Jack the Giant Slayer
With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen
Times have hard.
We know this.
Hollywood then shows us.
We watch The Mr. Oscar Show and strange face “Look At Me, I Am Also Smug Guy Who Wants To Sing In Your Face” person is on hourly, for what is to me, also forever.
Pretty people also are staging to the T.V., some with awards, more with sadness in their brain thoughts.
On the carpet, all women admit to wearing the clothes of someone else – yet none of the carpet questioning people feel the creeps.
This is Hollywood.
This is the Academy Awards.
This review is “Jack The Giant Slayer.”
It needs not to worry about the Academy Awards.
Ever.
But, even though winning is not to be foreseen – this is good for the film worker people. If for to win, they would have to talk to “Smug Guy Who Was Upstaged By Captain Kirk” which would be the suck.
But all is not bad. Really.
First, I, Kimmo, will not use Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum in the film review.
All critics who do – or use any variable of the 4-F’s – is of the review school hack class.
No Fee, Fi, Fo, Fun for good review.
No Fe, Fi, Fo, Dumb for bad review.
No Fee, Fi, Foo, Meh for a review tweener.
This reviewer (though many times with drunks and stoned) is not of laziness.
So review I must.
Plot? Fe, Fi, Fo, YES! Damn, it was too much to not do.
Plot – Jack is a kid with stories talked to his ear hole by Dad (look out Dad! Here comes the plague!).
Isabella is a kid who has the same stories (look out Mom! Etc). and grows up to be hot.
In real life, Jack (Nicholas Hoult) got to diddle Jennifer Lawrence and motor-boat her rack (for this, Hoult deserves Lifetime Achievement Award). Then, she, Jennifer, was too good for a bean kid.
To continue, hot Isabella (Eleanor Tomlinson) is now fap fantasy for Roderick (Stanley Tucci – with creepy sameness inside from “The Lovely Boner”) who is shopping for the Magic Crown that lets the owner control Giants – people who are taller than Abraham Lincoln (see review).
Jack does stuff, like slaying Giants, but damn spoiler title told you that already.
The move is in the land of Not Bad.
CGI Giants are CGI from the days of Tecmo Bowl Nintendo. Fun after bong sucking, fun after the beer chug, cheesy in my real reality.
The 3D was realistic as to make me barf. Yes, the 3D, not the too much overdrunk beer and stale Raisonettes.
I stand by this statement.
For you readers with bigger brains, see the ripped off for this movie – “Trollhunter.” This move is more better than “Jack blah blah blah” in the way that all of Scandinavia (minus Sweden) is superior to Los Angeles (except for the weather – so I really hate Scandinavia, I guess – my mind is confusion).
The Trolls are better computer beasts than the Giants – although the Giants have more lines.
So one and a half thumbs in the atmosphere. There is enjoyment.
I expected a major suck (like that damn Twilight turd-fest) and the suck did not appear.
The secret to liking a film (I’m now thinking) is to expect it to be full of the horrible.
This did not work for the Twilight films, but seem to work for all else.
I will continue this film experiment – since summer is coming, with its crap-storm of film stink. Here is hoping my expecting is not my reality.
Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium
P.S. It is almost again the time for baseballs! I don’t have understanding for the game so much, but love Dodger Dogs – and cold beer that is more money worth than gold in its cost. This game is not hockey (the greatest of all since it was played by God Himself), but not bad for steroid boys with bats. Not to mention hot baseball groupies. Play balls!