Simon Downes – Behind the Proscenium

August 23, 2013

The World’s End [REVIEW]

The World’s End

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

There are times in which life is art.

And then the art is also life, in reality.

The brain sees, with his eyeball friends, things that are not real reality – but film reality which is sometimes MORE real, although not at all.

This is that time, or was.

When I was in “The World’s End.”

Or so I had the thought that it was true.

I’ll explain.

“The World’s End” is my life story without me and my life.

“How am this be possible, Kimmo?” shouts your thoughts.

So did my own thinking thoughts, with the shouting. I was confusion.

See if this helps:

Plot? Hell right!

In the distant past, before internet porn, Gary (Simon Pegg) was too cool for most school. He had too cool friends – Peter (Eddie Marsan), Oliver (Martin Freeman), Steven (Paddy Considine) and funny fat guy Andrew (Nick Frost).

They are different actors when younger. Even with the sweet, sweet smoke there was no brain confusion from this.

They went on the most ever of all epic pub crawls (in Finland we call this “pretty much every day of the week”) – “The Golden Mile” only to become whimpy nerds after six.

This failing causes them all to be boring older persons, except for Gary, who is still good at drinking.

In the today times, Gary wants to recreate the moment and defeat “The Golden Mile” and make it to the last pub (The World’s End) where there will be much vomiting if done correctly.

He gathers his older, more hairless gang, and head to town.

Then weird shit hits the fan.

I will give no spoiling, only to say that the trailer had robots and the movie has robots. On a pub crawl.

This is where it is my life.

In Finland, there are many crawling to pubs AND there are robots. Son of a bitch.

Why is my living life on the movie screen? I am in freak out mode.

Simon Pegg is playing me. WTF?

When I had a calmer time, I began to see the genius of it all. Make a movie about Kimmo, without Kimmo, and Kimmo will love the damn thing!

So, what have my feelings on this to say?

First, great, great movie!

Friends, beer, hot chicks, beer, shots, beer, robots, beer, and then more beer.

Acting – great! Andy drinks water and Gary is all “you are for the drinking of rain!”. So, writing is good, too.

If you are of the drinking person type, you will drool into your popcorn.

I did.

The beer is luxuriously photo’d. Damn, the beer was pretty.

Then there are three girls known in the past as “The Marmalade Sandwich.”

They deserve it, and prove it in the best sequence that had no nudity but was still “ooo la la” to my nether regions. My loins quivered.

My only fault finding with this film was that the three were not butt naked. The movie would have then been an instant classical movie.

So, two thumbs straining to the sky! I am all happiness, for now I know that Hollywood (English Hollywood – they talk more better and party hearty!) knows how my mind thinks and that makes me happy.

For I miss Finland.

I miss crawling to pubs.

And I miss crawling to pubs with robots.

Go to Finland and one day you will miss these things, too.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. American football is almost here. I have now eaten a hot wing, a nacho, and those quesadilla things. American football will make me a fatty fatterson! And I am in love with it!

March 1, 2013

Jack the Giant Slayer [REVIEW]

Jack the Giant Slayer

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Times have hard.

We know this.

Hollywood then shows us.

We watch The Mr. Oscar Show and strange face “Look At Me, I Am Also Smug Guy Who Wants To Sing In Your Face” person is on hourly, for what is to me, also forever.

Pretty people also are staging to the T.V., some with awards, more with sadness in their brain thoughts.

On the carpet, all women admit to wearing the clothes of someone else – yet none of the carpet questioning people feel the creeps.

This is Hollywood.

This is the Academy Awards.

This review is “Jack The Giant Slayer.”

It needs not to worry about the Academy Awards.

Ever.

But, even though winning is not to be foreseen – this is good for the film worker people. If for to win, they would have to talk to “Smug Guy Who Was Upstaged By Captain Kirk” which would be the suck.

But all is not bad. Really.

First, I, Kimmo, will not use Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum in the film review.

All critics who do – or use any variable of the 4-F’s – is of the review school hack class.

No Fee, Fi, Fo, Fun for good review.

No Fe, Fi, Fo, Dumb for bad review.

No Fee, Fi, Foo, Meh for a review tweener.

This reviewer (though many times with drunks and stoned) is not of laziness.

So review I must.

Plot? Fe, Fi, Fo, YES! Damn, it was too much to not do.

Plot – Jack is a kid with stories talked to his ear hole by Dad (look out Dad! Here comes the plague!).

Isabella is a kid who has the same stories (look out Mom! Etc). and grows up to be hot.

In real life, Jack (Nicholas Hoult) got to diddle Jennifer Lawrence and motor-boat her rack (for this, Hoult deserves Lifetime Achievement Award). Then, she, Jennifer, was too good for a bean kid.

To continue, hot Isabella (Eleanor Tomlinson) is now fap fantasy for Roderick (Stanley Tucci – with creepy sameness inside from “The Lovely Boner”) who is shopping for the Magic Crown that lets the owner control Giants – people who are taller than Abraham Lincoln (see review).

Jack does stuff, like slaying Giants, but damn spoiler title told you that already.

The move is in the land of Not Bad.

CGI Giants are CGI from the days of Tecmo Bowl Nintendo. Fun after bong sucking, fun after the beer chug, cheesy in my real reality.

The 3D was realistic as to make me barf. Yes, the 3D, not the too much overdrunk beer and stale Raisonettes.

I stand by this statement.

For you readers with bigger brains, see the ripped off for this movie – “Trollhunter.” This move is more better than “Jack blah blah blah” in the way that all of Scandinavia (minus Sweden) is superior to Los Angeles (except for the weather – so I really hate Scandinavia, I guess – my mind is confusion).

The Trolls are better computer beasts than the Giants – although the Giants have more lines.

So one and a half thumbs in the atmosphere. There is enjoyment.

I expected a major suck (like that damn Twilight turd-fest) and the suck did not appear.

The secret to liking a film (I’m now thinking) is to expect it to be full of the horrible.

This did not work for the Twilight films, but seem to work for all else.

I will continue this film experiment – since summer is coming, with its crap-storm of film stink. Here is hoping my expecting is not my reality.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. It is almost again the time for baseballs! I don’t have understanding for the game so much, but love Dodger Dogs – and cold beer that is more money worth than gold in its cost. This game is not hockey (the greatest of all since it was played by God Himself), but not bad for steroid boys with bats. Not to mention hot baseball groupies. Play balls!

January 20, 2012

Coriolanus [REVIEW]

Coriolanus

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

What?

Not 100% CGI?

No robot alien things?

Am I high (yes, I am)?

Then soldiers. My brain screams – You are within the stuck times of “Battle: Los Angeles!”

The worst of fates that mine could be… to have.

But no.

Winter’s cold has made me for to shrivel (in my man place).

Summer is for the confrontation of the ear (and mind – or mindlessness).

Now is for brain flexing cinema.

Thanks, Odin.

Plot? Sure!

An angry crowd in a clean-rehearsed choreography calls for bread of the armed military men guarding a bread factory (which makes bread).

A squad of soldiers with heavy artillery and camouflage uniforms (sharp!) stormed a housing estate and speaks in blank verse.

Shakespeare meets Balkan war – Ralph Fiennes directorial debut “Coriolanus” (heh, anus) transports the Elizabethan drama in the time and now it is dead right.

Massive, violent and bloody, this film – and psychologically subtle and finely worked, not least thanks to the wonderful language of William Shakespeare (he speaks of English from his mouth-place worse than I – lucky for the press kit or in the wilderness my thoughts were straying).

Fiennes, who plays Coriolanus, the excellent and very nuanced itself, and especially Vanessa Redgrave as the mother of the hero know the language to use (English, but still not right – I still confuse my own thoughts) – but even the minor characters are occupied very solid.

How alive do these lines, the power and magic in the age-old phrases is, if only the right people interpret it (I pretend that it made sense to me – clever)!

In the past, some directors have transported Shakespeare to the present day (or yesterday – confusion remains) – and usually the result was at least interesting.

Fiennes has landed “Coriolanus” a really big throw. Yes – THROW!

The story is told quickly: the Romans wage war against the Volscians (but not the same Volscians from “Star Trek”) – Coriolanus (heh), the Roman commander gains a bloody victory and to be in gratitude for consul.

Unfortunately, this little man of war, civil fine sense (? – what the hell, I will stop drinking), the common people is repugnant to him (they should bathe more often). Thus arises as soon opposed his appointment and must Coriolanus into exile.

Here he teams up with former arch-enemy, the leader of the Volscians (Gerald Butler, not Leonard Nimoy – disappoint), and moves with him to Rome.

The insanity of war and the inability of a soldier to survive in peace, are the pillars of this tragic drama. But the dialectic of hatred and admiration to homoerotic (no judgment) undertones between the two antagonists provides an additional voltage level (electric!).

Conclusion: Two thumbs yelling “Yippee! I’m not in the childish shit wallowing!”

Warning – this will involve your thinking brain. And your hearing ears. It is not shit. This is for brain-flexing. Sweet, sweet relief!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Speaking of Star Trek Volscians, I must a joke:

How is the U.S.S. Enterprise like a wad of toilet paper?

They both wipe out Klingons around Uranus.

Or your Coriol-anus.

I laugh at this still.

October 20, 2011October 20, 2011

The Three Musketeers [REVIEW]

The Three Musketeers

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

No! NO!!!

Bad Hollywood!

Bad!

It is no longer summer.

You cannot, now in the fall, return like a dog to your own vomit.

This movie was made before – and once good! Oliver Reed, Michael York, and Faye Dunaway (before she got a case of uglies and olds) had the awesome.

Now?

Bad Hollywood!

Assholes.

So here we are, another old ham is warmed up again, this time there are “The Three Musketeers” by Alexander Dumas.

The last film, “The Musketeer”, it was almost 10 years ago, but the film flopped at the box office and flopped with lack of talent.

Now dares Paul W.S. Anderson (“Resident Evil”, “Alien vs. Predator”) to the project financed by and seen in Germany. Visually everything seems to be running quite well, but the catastrophic scale of production falls with the latest sighting of the film itself. And since you must see a film to experience it – well, now it sucks for sure.

The good first – visually, “The Three Musketeers” pretty well… pretty.

Filming took place in the most beautiful castles and towns in Bavaria, so that the settings are very successful, but old. The costumes, designed by the designer (!) Pierre-Yves Gayraud, adapt successfully to the visual style.

Technically, the effect was at natural environments now and then, just when you see villages from the air, which often looks very nice.

Up close, they are dirty and smell.

The action scenes, of which there are plenty, are also staged quite well overall, even if Paul W.S. Anderson, it is like to exaggerate (he doesn’t have to exaggerate his wife, Milla Jovovich – she is hot – zing!).

Whether you can get used to his style, everyone should decide for themselves (or I can decide for you – let me know in the comments), but you who have a problem with slow motion matrix effects will barf. In a historical film, will then probably it will interfere with that – the matrix effects, not the barfing.

People barfed in the past.

Although the film has to offer some nice visual display values and also a prominent cast, Anderson still fails, something coherent, functioning to construct as a whole.

Where should we start?

Anderson lacks any fine feeling for how to combine individual components and to create certain values, so that you can absolutely not take the film seriously.

As before, this is the fall! Films are now to be serious! Asshole.

This begins with the dialogues, which were written so stupidly that they deserve a prize (a Razzie?). Not infrequently one will hold to your hand to head and wonder and hope you have not gone past the refund point. Then when you realize that the characters are really just the idiocy have given of themselves, then even flies one of the next daft sayings from their mouths.

Some of it was meant to be but otherwise NOT funny.

Anyway, the shot backfired. !gnaB – Get it?

The names of the cast read although very promising, but only as long as you have not seen the movie, because then begins the shit-storm – the actor can not convince.

The only one who is still with blue eyes, really only Christoph Waltz, who here, but far below his potential and plays are vastly to puppet making, after all, but responsible for some good jokes, and brings just by his appearance a lot of presence.

Milla Jovovich‘s costume has changed (she doesn’t need a costume, trust me – yowza!), but otherwise plays the same role as in her “Resident Evil”, Alice, the ass-kicking űber-babe.

Ray Stevenson, Luke Evans and Matthew Macfadyen are in themselves a cool trio make their case quite well made. The same applies to Mads Mikkelsen, who indeed alone with grim view a cool guy, but there is no chemistry, not even biology.

Logan Lerman (“Percy Jackson”) as the fourth Musketeer serves as an identification figure for the viewer, but is nothing more than a greenhorn. Then doing more than one actually buys it. Acting-wise, he can not shine particularly, his repertoire of facial expressions is only two.

Happy, sad.

That is it.

Seriously.

Particularly bad is Orlando Bloom, whose appearance reminds me of transvestite and is totally miscast for the role. His performance is incredibly bad, since the good acting he just can not attempt, even in a movie like this, where no one can convince, yet still he fails. This is known as probably a brilliant performance in Opposite World.

Of course appears “The Three Musketeers” in 3D, just as is now common. With “Resident Evil 4” Anderson has proven that he knows how to use the 3D technology very well, but in the case of “The Three Musketeers” may safely be described using a rip-off. Not only that, the effect is hardly noticeable.

Don’t pay for this 3D crap! Or at least, keep the glasses.

That will learn them!

Assholes.

So, to conclude this suck-fest – Paul W.S. Anderson has done it – he has pulled a classic perfect and rubbed it in the mud. Although the film is visually very well managed, provides reputable actors, it is just embarrassing the rest of time.

Both thumbs droop to the floor, like the sword in my dreams while fighting Zorro.

I have issues.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Survivor” – wow! In Finland, we would just say that Brandon Hantz had become with Snow Fever and then just shoot him through the head. Better for humanity. Make it so, Jeff Probst!