Jeff Bewkes – Page 8 – Chairman's Blog

September 24, 2010May 2, 2011

Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer Jeff Zucker A Job

Allen & Company retreat, Anne Mulcahy, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bill Bradley, Bob Iger, Bobby Kotick, Brian Grazer, Brian Roberts, Candice Bergen, Carol Bartz, Charlie Rose, Chase Carey, Chris Silbermann, Cory Booker, Diane Von Furstenberg, Don Graham, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Eisner, Eric Schmidt, Erin Burnett, George Bodenheimer, Gina Bianchini, Gordon Crawford, Haim Saban, Hank Vigil, Harvey Weinstein, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jean-Bernard Levy, Jeff Berg, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Bezos, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Jim Berkus, Jim Gianopulos, Jim Robinson, John Donahue, Jon Miller, Jonathan Dolgen, Ken Auletta, Ken Chenault, Khan Manka, Lachlan Murdoch, Lady Gaga, Larry Page, Leslie Moonves, Lionel Barber, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marc Andreessen, Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Martin Sorrell, Mathias Dopfner, Michael Ovitz, Mike Bloomberg, Niall FitzGerald, Owen Van Natta, Patt Morrison, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Rachael Ray, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Wiesenthal, Robbie Bach, Robert L. Johnson, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Burke, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, Tim Armstrong, Tom Freston, Tom Friedman, Tom Glocer, Tom Rothman, Ursula Burns, Vivi Nevo, Warren Buffett, World's Largest Media Company

I have sold my Comcast stock.

Frankly, I am stunned at today’s announcement that Jeff Zucker has been fired by Steve Burke at Comcast. Little Stevie Burke (who was a Manka Bros. intern years ago in our Publishing Group) has some balls on him. He’s not even Jeff Zucker’s boss yet and he pulled the trigger on the firing.

My great old friend Brian Roberts doesn’t know what a treasure he has lost today. It’s a crazy world when someone like Jeff Zucker doesn’t have a media empire to run. I would call Brian on Jeff’s behalf to urge him to overrule Steve Burke, but I’m just too busy.

Well, JZ, even though Comcast Universal (which will still be smaller than Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company) doesn’t have a place for you after the merger, Manka Bros. DOES have a place for you. I would like to offer you a job anywhere you want in the organization. Check our Senior Management roster and pick the job you would like.

Manka Bros. has so underperformed this year, nearly every job is up for grabs (with the exception of Lloyd Grohl). Just give me a 24 hour heads up and I’ll fire whomever you wish to replace.

Though based on your track record, personally, I would prefer you stayed away from our television group – but, really, beggars can’t be choosers, right?

I know you’re hurting right now and probably inconsolable and crying but just remember all the good times we’ve had from Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Retreat, to the lobster boil with Peter Chernin – lots of great times.

The party would continue and never stop if you joined our organization. The whole thing just breaks my heart and I only wish to God Manka Bros. would have acquired NBC Universal when we had the chance just so that you would still have a job.

I know everyone thinks you’re an asshole (welcome to the club!) but your accomplishments at NBC cannot be ignored – from the hiring of Ben Silverman to the way you handled the Jay Leno/Conan situation – NBC is in great shape and will only get stronger after you leave. You can hold your head up!

So, think about it. Take a couple of years, climb a mountain, backpack around Europe. Hopefully, at least, GE will cash out your vacation time. If not, and you need a low interest loan until you get back on your feet, just let me know.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

August 20, 2010May 3, 2011

Leaving For My House In The Seychelles

Allen & Company retreat, Anne Mulcahy, Anne Sweeney, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Bobby Kotick, Carol Bartz, Charlie Rose, Cory Booker, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Erin Burnett, Gina Bianchini, Harvey Weinstein, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jean-Bernard Levy, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, John Donahue, Ken Auletta, Khan Manka, Lachlan Murdoch, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lionel Barber, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marc Andreessen, Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Martin Sorrell, Mathias Dopfner, MIchelle Caruso-Cabrera, Mike Bloomberg, Niall FitzGerald, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Wiesenthal, Robert L. Johnson, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, Tom Freston, Tom Friedman, Ursula Burns, Vivi Nevo, Warren Buffett, World's Largest Media Company, Comic-Con, Leann Womack, Captain Stoppo, Lloyd Grohl

As I said last year (and every year), this town is dead until after Labor Day and it’s pointless for someone like me to still be here working.

So… I’m leaving this afternoon for my house in the Seychelles and will return on September 7th.

Please don’t contact me unless there is some type of explosion or fire at the studio… or if something crazier happens – like one of our movies DOESN’T fail!

My plane will be making a short stop at Teterboro in New Jersey to pick up Michelle Caruso-Cabrera. After that, my various cellphones and gadgets will be turned off until I return to Burbank.

Anyone who tries to reach me will be fired. Anyone who does (somehow) reach me will be killed.

Keep working. We’ve had another terrible year and everyone is to blame!

See you in September!

[REMEMBER: Labor Day is NOT holiday at Manka Bros. Just because I’m off doesn’t mean everyone is!]

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

August 10, 2010June 11, 2015

Book Club Meeting On Rupert Murdoch’s Boat

Allen & Company retreat, Anne Mulcahy, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Bobby Kotick, Carol Bartz, Charlie Rose, Cory Booker, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Erin Burnett, Gina Bianchini, Harvey Weinstein, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jean-Bernard Levy, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, John Donahue, Ken Auletta, Khan Manka, Lachlan Murdoch, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lionel Barber, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marc Andreessen, Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Martin Sorrell, Mathias Dopfner, Mike Bloomberg, Niall FitzGerald, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Wiesenthal, Robert L. Johnson, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, Tom Freston, Tom Friedman, Ursula Burns, Vivi Nevo, Warren Buffett, World's Largest Media Company

Good morning from the Canary Islands!

I’m on the Manka Bros. Employee Yacht (The King Khan) which was paid for by all your hard work!

As a reminder, because it is the “Employee Yacht” (paid for by a slight deduction from your weekly paychecks), one of you will be eligible to host your very own party for your friends or colleagues on this very yacht. The date set for this party is, I believe, a Tuesday in February – so be sure and sign up for the drawing.

Because we’re deep in the dog days of August, I am out of Hollywood and off the coast of Africa.

I was finally able to arrange for my Monthly Mogul Book Club Meeting which took place yesterday. Unfortunately, it was Rupert Murdoch’s time to host the meeting which meant it was either going to be in Rupert’s crappy North Hollywood apartment or his ridiculous excuse for a yacht.

Since we’re all out of town, we decided to meet on his “yacht” – actually a shitty old rickety sea trawler in desperate need of a paint job. He has named it “The Chase Carey.” It was once called “The Peter Chernin” but those letters appear to have been violently scratched out.

But Rupert didn’t get to be Rupert by buying fancy mansions and yachts. He got where he is today by eating mac & cheese and drinking water from the tap in his $750 / month North Hollywood apartment.

Rupert’s boat was anchored near the run-down port city of Naples, Italy. Since he didn’t have a helipad on his boat, we all had to deal with the inconvenience of getting there by either jetski or motorboat.

In attendance was Rupert Murdoch, Barry Diller, Jeff Zucker, Ben Silverman (replacing Harvey Weinstein – who officially lost his mogul status), Bob Iger, Sumner Redstone (by phone), Les Moonves and myself. (We really wanted to try and get some female moguls involved in the group but those are really hard to come by these days. The only person close to mogul status is what’s her name from Facebook – that chick from the Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference.)

Anyway, because I had such a hard time remembering what happened at the last book club meeting once we started doing Slivovitz shots, this time I brought a little recorder to document the event. My assistant, Vicky, was kind enough to transcribe it and post it here:

———————–

Mogul Book Club Meeting – August 9, 2010 – Rupert Murdoch’s Boat “The Chase Carey”

Rupert: Murdoch: Thanks for coming. Thanks Khan for pulling this all together. I don’t have anything other than Keystone Beer on the boat, so hopefully you all got my note about bringing your own drinks. I do have a cheese plate and few leftover crackers from our TV Upfront Presentation in May.

Our book this month is “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.” I would like to thank Sumner Redstone for providing us all with a new iPad with the book preloaded onto it.

Sumner Redstone (over speaker phone): I didn’t provide any such thing! What the fuck? Who sent you all iPads? I’m not in the iPad giving business! Who sent it? I’m not gonna kill that person – I just want to talk to him.

Bob Iger: I got it from Philippe Dauman. He signed both your names and said “Sorry he couldn’t make it.”

Sumner Redstone (over speaker phone): Dauman? I’ll kill him.

Jeff Zucker: Can we fucking talk about the stupid book? I’ve got a meeting on Brian Roberts’ yacht off Capri in two hours.

Les Moonves: Do you still work for him or has he fired you? Nikki Finke hasn’t been clear about this.

Jeff Zucker: Look, Leslie… I fire – I don’t get fired. Capisce?

Barry Diller: I thought you said you had a cheese plate?

Rupert Murdoch: Maybe Lachlan didn’t set it out. There’s a cooler there on floor with ice in it. It may be there.

Sumner Redstone (over speaker phone): Are we going to talk about the book? This “Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” is a fiery bitch. I think I could do a show with her of some kind.

Bob Iger: Stop trying to make me throw up, Sumner.

Sumner Redstone (over speaker phone): I’ll ‘throw up’ you – right up your ass.

Barry Diller: There’s no cheese in this cooler, Rupert. The ice is all frosted together. Did you have fish in here?

Khan Manka, Jr.: The guy who wrote the book is from Finland or something, I think. He’s pretty hot right now. We may go after his next book.

Jeff Zucker: He’s dead, you moron.

Khan Manka, Jr.: Weren’t you fired yet, Fucker?

[Lots of laughs in the room.]

Barry Diller: Rupert! Did you have fish in this cooler? Fuck it. Ben go back to Naples and pick up some cheese. This is bullshit.

Jeff Zucker: This IS bullshit. I have to go.

Bob Iger: So we’re not talking about the book?

Les Moonves: Fine with me. I didn’t read it.

Ben Silverman: I had the coverage faxed to Diddy’s yacht last night but I haven’t perused it.

Sumner Redstone (over speaker phone): I’ll ‘peruse’ you – right up your ass!

Rupert Murdoch: There’s a movie coming out. I’ll just watch that. What studio’s got that?

Les Moonves: Sony.

Rupert Murdoch: Fuckers ain’t got “Avatar” though, do they? Maybe we should invite Michael Lynton to the next meeting.

Jeff Zucker: Is he really a mogul? You never hear about him in the press.

Rupert Murdoch: Still not fired yet, huh? I give it another five minutes. Gentlemen, please leave your booze behind, I’m having people over tonight.

[Everyone leaves the boat.]

Sumner Redstone (over speaker phone): Hello? Are we talking about the book? Hello? What the fuck is this? I can wait longer than you. I’m gonna live forever…

———————————

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

August 5, 2010August 6, 2018

Hollywood’s Dark Lord – Harry Manka: 1886-1976

Allen & Company retreat, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Carol Bartz, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Gina Bianchini, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Khan Manka, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, World's Largest Media Company, Chase Carey, James Murdoch, Elisabeth Murdoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Jim Gianopulos, Joel Klein, Jon Miller, Steve Burke, Michael Angelakis, Leslie Moonves, Philippe Dauman, Jeff Bewkes, John Martin, Howard Stringer, Rob Wiesenthal, Michael Lynton, John Malone, Greg Maffei, Haim Saban, David Zaslav, John Hendricks, Mike White, Edgar Bronfman, Len Blavatnik, Tim Armstrong, Peter Chernin, Tom Freston, Carol Bartz, Jerry Yang, Mark Pincus, Owen Van Natta, Brian Roberts, Jason Kilar, Wayne Willich, Reid Hoffman, Harvey Weinstein, Diane Von Furstenberg, Andrew Mason, Jason Kilar, Ben Horowitz, Gina Bianchini, Mark Pincus, Ali Pincus, Robert Wiesenthal, Tom Freston, Bing Gordon, Bill Gates, Chris Christie, Martin Sorrell, Eric Lefkofsky, Oprah Winfrey, Jeff Bezos, Tim Cook, Cory Booker, Michael Bloomberg, Joel Klein, Lachlan Murdoch, James Murdoch, Bobby Kotick, Marc Andreessen, Peter Thiel, Dick Costolo, Ross Levinsoh, Paul Sagan, Leslie Moonves, Tim Armstrong, Glenn Britt, Donald Graham, Kazuo Hirai, Howard Stringer, Jae-Yong Lee, Bryan Lourd, Ron Meyer, Brad Grey, Edmund Lee, Anthony Palazzo, John Malone, Chris Silbermann, Jim Berkus, Roger Goodell, David Stern, Chris Christie, Julius Genachowski, Erin Burnett, Charlie Rose, Becky Quick, Todd Davidson, Reed Hastings, Terry Semel, Jerry Yang, Ken Allen, Laurene Powell Jobs, Jean-Bernard Levy, Lucian Grainge, Jonathan Boyar, Mark Pincus, Michael Lynton, Mandy Tavakol, Mario Monti, Dave DeVoe, John Martin, Brian Roberts, David Zaslav, Mel Karmazin, Carol Bartz, Scott Thompson, Jason Kilar, King Abdullah II, Queen Rania, Queen Noor, #sv12, #Sunvalley2012, #allenco, Robert Johnson, Anne Sweeney, Brian Grazer, Michael Ovitz, Hiroshi Mikitani, Owen Van Natta, Don Mattrick, Jack Welch

Normally, I’m too busy to talk about my father’s death (which happened on this date in 1976) but since I am at my Montauk beach house looking out at the Atlantic Ocean with a very nice bottle of Slivovitz, I have a little bit of time (and am drunk enough) to write about my dad.

Harry Manka was a real prick. Not just to me but to all of my mothers (he had ten wives – I’ve never really been sure which one was my real mother).

But people outside the family loved Harry Manka. He was called Hollywood’s Dark Lord for his habit of holding certain actors and writers hostage in the attic of Building 23 on the studio lot (dubbed “The Tower”) until they gave in to his demands.

Harry Manka had an amazing ability to stay alive. Most people thought he would die from his sixth heart attack in 1958 (the year of my birth) – but he would go on to have two more and two strokes over the next 18 years.

He drank a bottle of Crown Royal every day, smoked three packs of unfiltered Camel Turkish Gold cigarettes every day and smoked a box of cigars every day.

Dad must have loved horrible movies and television shows because he was constantly making them. During the early 1970s, he nearly bankrupt our family and the studio with such gems as Escape From Satan’s Planet and Black Illiad.

But this is not a day to piss on my father’s grave.

This is a day to remember a man who co-founded the World’s Largest Media Company (though it wasn’t the largest when I took over in 1976) with my two Uncles – the great Khan Manka (Sr.) who died tragically in 1937; and crazy Simeon Manka (1882 – 1958) who died on Hollywood Blvd. wearing only a sandwich board that read “Benny’s World of Beef.”

I vaguely remember the day of Harry Manka’s death. I received a call from C.J. Siegal, my dad’s personal assistant, who told me he was killed on the golf course after being hit with an errant tee shot.

We knew nothing could kill my dad and suddenly he dies after being hit with a golf ball? It was crazy.

To this day, no one has confirmed who hit the ball that killed my dad. But we know. He was playing with Bob Hope, Joey Levitch and President of the U.S. – GERALD FORD. Who do you think killed Harry Manka?

C.J. was horrified when I told him I wouldn’t be able to come to the house later to be with the family because my band – King Khan – was getting ready for a very important gig at the Starlite Room in North Hollywood. Plus, later that night I had tickets for Jefferson Starship at the Forum. Being the son of a movie mogul, I always got backstage passes and nothing was going to stop me from using them.

On the day of his death, I was named Chairman & CEO of Manka Bros. Studios.

I did not want this job.

I wanted to take and smoke a lot of drugs with my Hollywood friends.

I didn’t want to wear shoes and go to an office. I could feel that my band was really starting to take off.

But C.J. Siegal reasoned with me and said I could immediately sign my own band to the Manka Bros. Records label and record a real album. This convinced me to take the job.

But after two weeks in that giant office with movie stars and directors begging you to make their movies, I quickly dropped the band and never recorded that album.

I realized being a media mogul is so much more impressive than being in a garage band. No matter how good our version of “Smoke On The Water” was.

So, here we are, 34 years later, and Manka Bros. is the World’s Largest Media Company.

I’ll leave you with one final thought – one of the last things my father ever said to me: “If you’re going to waste your life – go ahead and kill yourself. I’ll even give you the pills or the gun to do it!” – Harry Manka (1886-1976).

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios

August 4, 2010May 3, 2011

Manka Bros.’ Gay Marriage Policy

Allen & Company retreat, Anne Mulcahy, Ari Emanuel, Arnold Schwarzeneggar, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bill Clinton, Bob Iger, Bobby Kotick, Carol Bartz, Charlie Rose, Chelsea Clinton, Cory Booker, Danny kaye, DumbDumb, Electus, Ellen Degeneres, Eric Schmidt, Erin Burnett, Gina Bianchini, Harry Manka, Harvey Weinstein, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jay McBee, Jean-Bernard Levy, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, John Donahue, Ken Auletta, Khan Manka, Lachlan Murdoch, Lady Gaga, Lance Bass, Leslie Moonves, Lionel Barber, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marc Andreessen, Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Martin Sorrell, Mathias Dopfner, Mike Bloomberg, Mort Zuckerman, Niall FitzGerald, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Portia De rossi, Proposition 8, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Wiesenthal, Robert L. Johnson, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Ted Danson, Terry Semel, Tom Freston, Tom Friedman, Ursula Burns, Vaughn Walker, Vivi Nevo, Warren Buffett, World's Largest Media Company

Yes, even though I am still at my Montauk house on vacation (recovering from Chelsea Clinton’s wedding) people still think it’s okay to bother me.

So last night, I received an urgent call from Natalie Kim – the head of Manka Bros. Human Resources. She says she has received hundreds of emails from employees who wanted a clarification of Manka Bros.’ Gay Marriage Policy.

Even though I am heading out the door to play squash with Mort Zuckerman, I will take a couple of moments to address this issue.

Yes, Manka Bros. supports gay marriage.

Married employees (gay or straight) all receive the same benefits and perks (i.e., health coverage, 401K, 10% off Studio Store merchandise, free yogurt Fridays, etc.).

In fact, Manka Bros. has supported gay marriage for over 50 years – ever since my father, the asshole Harry Manka, signed a talent contract with Danny Kaye. Part of the deal was that he would be allowed to be gay inside the studio and actually have a husband and a house on the lot.

[Manka Bros. Corporate Legal Disclaimer: There is no proof that Danny Kaye was gay – he was just “allowed to be gay”.]

Because that experiment worked so well and kept Mr. Kaye so happy, it soon became Manka Bros.’ company policy – anyone who wanted to be gay and be married while at work was allowed to be. There were some strict guidelines though:

No sex on Midwest Street (only in certain alleyways of the Greenwich Village backlot set would sex be tolerated);

No gold lame bikini briefs (that was my father’s issue and has since been repealed for anyone working in Manka Bros. Theatrical or Television development);

And no showtunes or cabaret music of any kind to played during company events (this remains in effect and will never be repealed as long as I draw a breath). Headphones are okay, I just don’t want to hear about it.

So, while many of you may be rejoicing in the overturning of Prop. 8, take comfort in the fact that it was always okay to be gay (and married) at Manka Bros.

In fact, I think this is a great opportunity for some of you in a loveless sham of a heterosexual marriage (i.e., Jay McBee) to come out and try to find the same-sex man or woman of your dreams.

Frankly, why anyone would want to be married is beyond me. (My three ex-wives wanted to be married to me so they could all get rich in the divorce… gold digging bitches.) But at Manka Bros., everyone is at least given that right.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

August 2, 2010October 27, 2011

Chelsea Clinton’s Wedding

Allen & Company retreat, Anne Mulcahy, Ari Emanuel, Astor Courts, Barbra Streisand, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bill Bradley, Bill Clinton, Bob Iger, Bobby Kotick, Bowzer, Brian Grazer, Brian Roberts, Candice Bergen, Carol Bartz, Charlie Rose, Chase Carey, Chelsea Clinton, Chris Silbermann, Cory Booker, David Blaine, Denise Rich, Diane Von Furstenberg, Don Graham, DumbDumb, Edward Mezvinsky, Electus, Eric Eisner, Eric Schmidt, Erin Burnett, George Bodenheimer, Gina Bianchini, Gordon Crawford, Haim Saban, Hank Vigil, Harvey Weinstein, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, HIllary Clinton, James Ponet, Jane Fonda, Jean-Bernard Levy, Jeff Berg, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Bezos, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Jim Berkus, Jim Gianopulos, Jim Robinson, John Donahue, Jon Miller, Jonathan Dolgen, Ken Auletta, Ken Chenault, Khan Manka, Lachlan Murdoch, Lady Gaga, Larry Page, Lee Ann Womack, Leslie Moonves, Lionel Barber, Lloyd Grohl, Madeleine Albright, Manka Bros., Marc Andreessen, Marc Mezvinsky, Margorie Margolies-Mezvinsky, Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Martin Sorrell, Mathias Dopfner, Michael Ovitz, Mike Bloomberg, Niall FitzGerald, Owen Van Natta, Patt Morrison, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Queen of Norway, Rachael Ray, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Wiesenthal, Robbie Bach, Robert L. Johnson, Robert Reich, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Sally Quinn, Sergey Brin, Sha Na Na, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Bing, Steve Burke, Steve Jobs, steven spielberg, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Ted Turner, Terry McAuliffe, Terry Semel, Tim Armstrong, Tom Freston, Tom Friedman, Tom Glocer, Tom Rothman, Ursula Burns, Vera Wang, Vernon Jordan, Vivi Nevo, Warren Buffett, William Shillady, World's Largest Media Company

Now I know what it would be like to live in the Iraqi Green Zone. It would suck.

I am now safely on the deck of my Montauk house after a successful air lifting out of Rhinebeck yesterday afternoon.

Before I was allowed on the chopper, a few of us were given one final harsh debriefing by the General in charge of wedding security about never repeating what we witnessed this past weekend.

Ted Danson was sitting next to me and said it reminded him of the St. Crispin’s Day speech from Shakespeare’s Henry V. I asked him ‘What the fuck does Becker know about Shakespeare?’ Ted told me he was Ted Danson and not ‘Becker’. ‘Becker’ was just a role he played. I then called him ‘Becker’ again just to end the conversation. I don’t even know why he was invited to the wedding.

[As a side note, I’m very surprised not to see more studio moguls at the wedding. Other than Ted Turner, Steven Spielberg and me, it was a pretty lame turnout. I don’t know why I was expecting it to be more like Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference. Oh well, I suppose I’m honored just to have made the cut.]

I had my assistant, Vicky, send me a copy of the St. Crispin’s Day speech and it really was a rewritten version of that speech. ‘Becker’s’ not such an idiot after all. It went something like this:

‘We few, we happy few…
We band of brothers (and sisters) who were
Witness to Chelsea and Marc’s great day
Must never (NEVER) repeat that which so many in the media
Would give their lives to know the truth… etc. etc.’)’

Because of the stupidity of that speech and the over the top security measures, I am forced to break from my band of elite brothers and sisters and will reveal a few details about the (for the most part) very pleasant wedding I attended this weekend.

First of all, somebody could have told me Bowzer is no longer in Sha Na Na! As I mentioned last week, once I heard Sha Na Na was the wedding band, I was very excited. I’m a huge Bowzer fan. Dude does not get the credit he deserves as a pioneer of rock and roll.

In his place was something called the “Bowzer Experience” – it was three different guys dressed as Bowzer in different stages of his life (Kid, Young Adult and Old Bowzer).

Former President Bill Clinton was also very upset that he was having to pay for a ‘sub-par Sha Na Na’. He leaned over to me at one point and said: “I think there’s only one guy from the original Sha Na Na. This is bullshit. These guys look like they just came from a State Fair!”

That said, once they ripped into Chuck Berry’s ‘My Ding-a-ling’ there wasn’t a spot to be had on the dance floor. Everybody (from Madeleine Albright to former Labor Secretary Robert Reich) was hopping and shaking to the music.

Other highlights included:

Bill Clinton’s heartfelt toast to Chelsea and Marc. While it was a beautiful, well-spoken toast, I was surprise that Korbel was the ‘champagne’ of choice. Supposedly, it has been Chelsea’s favorite since college.

I also felt having White Castle hamburgers as an appetizer was a little too low rent – more Arkansas than Hudson Valley (though that was the only appetizer they ran out of).

The Whoopee Cushions placed in the chairs at the wedding party’s table was also a bizarre choice (though they did get all the intended laughs and really loosened up the room). It just seemed inappropriate for such a refined event. But maybe that’s why most people in this country still love the Clintons. No one laughed louder than Bill when they all sat down.

Most of the drunkenness was kept to a minimum. I think the guests were well aware that any falls into the wedding cake or slips on the dance floor or throwing up on the Queen of Norway was going to haunt them forever. So it was, on a whole, a very boring night.

There was, however, one very cool thing which happened toward the end of the evening. The illusionist David Blaine was hired to go from table to table to do close-up magic, levitate the guests, etc. (he was certainly making a lot of Bourbon disappear).

As one final trick, he asked everyone to take off their right shoe. “Now look on the bottom.”

Taped to the bottom of everyone’s right shoe was a $100 gift card from Best Buy with a note: “Thanks so much for making our dream day a reality. XXOO Chelsea and Marc.”

As corny as it was, you can now get a Blu-ray player for around $100. So I know what I’m getting with my gift card.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 30, 2010May 3, 2011

Going To Chelsea Clinton’s Wedding

Allen & Company retreat, Anne Mulcahy, Ari Emanuel, Barbra Streisand, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bill Bradley, Bill Clinton, Bob Iger, Bobby Kotick, Bowzer, Brian Grazer, Brian Roberts, Candice Bergen, Carol Bartz, Charlie Rose, Chase Carey, Chelsea Clinton, Chris Silbermann, Cory Booker, Denise Rich, Diane Von Furstenberg, Don Graham, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Eisner, Eric Schmidt, Erin Burnett, George Bodenheimer, Gina Bianchini, Gordon Crawford, Haim Saban, Hank Vigil, Harvey Weinstein, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, HIllary Clinton, Jane Fonda, Jean-Bernard Levy, Jeff Berg, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Bezos, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Jim Berkus, Jim Gianopulos, Jim Robinson, John Donahue, Jon Miller, Jonathan Dolgen, Ken Auletta, Ken Chenault, Khan Manka, Lachlan Murdoch, Lady Gaga, Larry Page, Lee Ann Womack, Leslie Moonves, Lionel Barber, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marc Andreessen, Marc Mezvinsky, Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Martin Sorrell, Mathias Dopfner, Michael Ovitz, Mike Bloomberg, Niall FitzGerald, Owen Van Natta, Patt Morrison, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Rachael Ray, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Wiesenthal, Robbie Bach, Robert L. Johnson, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Sally Quinn, Sergey Brin, Sha Na Na, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Burke, Steve Jobs, steven spielberg, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Ted Turner, Terry Semel, Tim Armstrong, Tom Freston, Tom Friedman, Tom Glocer, Tom Rothman, Ursula Burns, Vivi Nevo, Warren Buffett, World's Largest Media Company

UPDATE: Chelsea Clinton’s Wedding

I’m leaving the office for the weekend.

I’m going to Chelsea Clinton’s wedding in some God forsaken town called Rhinebeck, New York.

I don’t know where it is and I don’t know the address.

I was told I would be blindfolded once I touched down at Teterboro. I am then to be driven by Towncar to the site of the wedding. They say the blindfold can not be removed until I am safely inside the wedding house.

I’m really getting sick of going to these Presidential daughter weddings. Two years ago it was Jenna Bush, now it’s Chelsea. It just doesn’t stop. I have better things to do with my time.

Don’t get me wrong, Chelsea is a lovely girl and a very very warm person. I met her a few years ago when she interviewed for a summer intern position in the Manka Bros. Television Group. I don’t really remember why we turned her down. Some people just aren’t cut out for TV.

Anyway, because Lee Ann Womack has decided not to return my calls lately, I will be going stag to the wedding.

This will give me a chance to spend some quality time with my old friend (and drinking buddy) Ted Turner. He likes to drink Whiskey Sours and talk about Jane Fonda and I love to drink White Russians and hear about Jane Fonda. She was an early crush of mine ever since I saw Barbarella.

If anyone needs to reach me, they can’t. I’ll be inside a no cell phone, no internet, Level 8 security zone (whatever that means). If you want to get me a note, you’ll have to get through 4,000 Marines.

It’s literally more security than Herb Allen had at his Sun Valley Retreat – and we were a much more important that this crowd.

On the positive side, I’m excited to see Sha Na Na. I hear that’s the wedding band. That Bowzer really cracks me up.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 15, 2010May 5, 2011

I Have Restarted My Monthly Book Club

Good morning.

I’m back in office after a few days at an Indian [editor’s change: Native American] Teepee sweat camp to get all the Sun Valley alcohol out of my system. That Herb Allen really knows how to over serve his guests.

About the only good thing to come out of that suck ass Sun Valley Retreat last week was the commitment from a few of my fellow moguls to restart our Monthly Book Club.

The last book club meeting we had was a couple of years ago and it was a disaster.

As I recall, Carl Icahn crashed the meeting and threatened to wage a proxy war to take over all our companies but I promptly had him removed by security. [Editor’s note: Mr. Manka, according to his own blog, actually invited Mr. Icahn to that meeting. But it is true that he had him removed by security.]

Poor, pathetic Carl is such a joke he’s not even able to take over Lionsgate – the puniest of all the studios. So, sorry, Carl, you won’t be getting an invite to my Mogul Book Club. RULE #1: YOU MUST BE A MOGUL. Harvey Weinstein will also not be getting an invite. Ben Silverman will be taking his place.

As I told my mogul friends (Bob Iger, Rupert Murdoch, Phillipe Dauman, et al) at The Drankin’ Hole last week, our book selection is “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo”. Everyone seems to be talking about this Stieg Larsson guy (maybe Manka Bros. should hire him to write something) – so I think it will be a better selection than our last book – “Water For Elephants”.

The meeting will be at Haim Saban’s house one week from Sunday – so get your assistants to pick up the book and get reading!

To my Senior Management Team at Manka Bros., I suppose we should have some sort of meeting to see what the fuck is going on around here and why haven’t had a hit movie this summer!

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 9, 2010July 5, 2011

Song Of The Mogul – Sun Valley 2010 – Day 4

Sun Valley Conference 2010

Day 1 — Day 2 — Day 3 — Day 4

—————————————–

Day 4:

I’m told Harvey Weinstein was the first to arrive at The Drankin’ Hole – an Idaho-friendly way of saying ‘bar’.

During the conference, the bar has been dubbed the Herb Allen Memorial Drankin’ Hole. I’m not sure why “Memorial” is in there since Herb is very much alive – but, that’s Idaho for ya.

After the past two horrible nights and after Manka Bros. received ZERO Emmy Nominations earlier in the day, I was in no mood to stay sober. So I was relieved that we would finally be devoting an evening to the fine art of getting drunk. And drunk we did get.

But my depression was Harvey Weinstein’s depression’s bitch. He lost an entire studio earlier that day. At least Manka Bros.’ standing as the World’s Largest Media Company is intact. Harvey ain’t got shit.

The Drankin’ Hole is nestled deep within the Sun Valley Lodge and there would be no access to anyone lower than mogul status with the exception of bartender Bin Tran (best dirty martinis in the world!) whose job it was to keep the drinks flowing and the bar fully stocked.

The March of the Moguls into the bar began immediately after LeBron James announced he was going to Miami. I don’t really care where LeBron goes – but it seems to me we can’t slam a guy who would prefer to spend his winters in Miami over Cleveland. Call me crazy. Most entering the room were talking about it and kept calling him a “moron” except George Bodenheimer – who called him a genius. “Wait till you see the overnights!”

So… I won’t bore anyone with the bullshit chitchat that went on while waiting for the effects of alcohol to take over our brains. (One side note: Bob Iger did ask if I wanted to buy ABC. I had to ‘gently’ remind him that I already owned a major broadcast network – MBS. I must apologize to Bob. I didn’t mean to dress him down so cruelly in front of the other moguls. But I worry about Bob. I think he’s starting to lose his memory).

I think it was Terry Semel who figured out how to turn on the Karaoke machine. He was fiddling around with something on the little stage in the bar and suddenly there was BLAAHT from one of the speakers.

“Is this on? Is this on?”, Terry said. “I’d like to propose a toast… to Herb Allen for continuing to boost our egos by designating us the most important people of the world every year. To my fellow Moguls… for being the most important people in the world. And to Bin Tran – for making the best dirty martinis in the world!” This last one got the biggest applause. “Now let’s sing!”

Terry Semel started things off with Barry Manilow’s “Ready To Take A Chance Again”. It was sung about an octave too low and was more spoken then sung. But it had heart. If you know Terry’s voice, you get the idea.

I would say the most embarrassing moment came when Harvey Weinstein sang a sloppy drunk version of “I Will Survive”. We all seemed to feel this was a bit too on the nose. It got truly pathetic when he sang the chorus “I Will Survive” and we all sang back “No, You Won’t!” Sad sad sad.

For myself, I always start off with “Me and Bobby McGee” and then later I do “Jeremy” by Pearl Jam. Always a crowd favorite – but I used to be in a band.

Other highlights included Jeff Zucker (“Desperado”), Brian Roberts (“Everybody Dance Now”), Haim Saban (“Summer Wind” and “My Way”), Diane Von Furstenberg surprised us all with the entire “Bohemian Rhapsody”, Chase Carey did an unbelievably killer version of “Keep On Rocking In The Free World”, Larry Page, Sergey Brin and Eric Schmidt really embarrassed themselves with “Livin’ On A Prayer” and Mark Zuckerberg sang some song by Kelly Clarkson that no one really knew or paid attention to.

We kept waiting for Barry Diller to sing that song he does every year from “Les Miserables” – but he decided not to sing this year. I can imagine he’s exhausted from last night’s “event”.

The evening was concluded perfectly by Warren Buffett and Herb Allen who got together on stage and thanked everyone and then did a heartfelt version of “Last Dance”. By the time it got the “fast skate” portion (a throwback term to my roller disco years in the 1970s), we were hopping around in a joyous drunken way, singing along and enjoying our power.

Last night was a truly great night.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 8, 2010July 10, 2019

Burning Mogul – Sun Valley 2010 – Day 3

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Herb Allen's Sun Valley Conference 2016, Sun Valley Lodge, Bin Tran, Vin Tran, Lee S Ainslie III, Yousef Al Otaiba, Hans-Holger Albrecht, Paul G Allen, James Anderson, Marc Andreessen, Michael Angelakis, Tim Armstrong, Nikesh Arora, Neil M Ashe, Emilio Azcarraga, Manvinder S Banga, Lionel Barber, Craig R Barrett, Willow Bay, Andreas Bechtolsheim, Marc Benioff, Jeffrey Berg, James Berkus, Michael S Berman, Mark Bertolini, Gary Bettman, Jeff Bewkes, Jeffrey P Bezos, Aneel Bhusri, The Right Honorable Tony Blair, Gregory R Blatt, Anthony H Bloom, Michael R Bloomberg, Steven R Boal, Scott A Bommer, Cory A Booker, Jeffrey H Boyd, Sergey Brin, Glenn Britt, Tom Brokaw, Michael J Brown, Howard G Buffett, Susie Buffett, Warren Buffett, John Burbank, Stephen Burke, Erin Burnett, Ursula Burns, John E Bush, Jeanie Buss, John A Canning Jr., Chase Carey, Wences Casares, Mark Casey, Kenneth Chenault, Peter Chernin, Brian Chesky, Richard Chilton, Chris Christie, Lewis Cime, Adriana Cisneros, Gustavo Cisneros, Vittorio Colao, Timothy Collins, Patrick Collison, Timothy Cook, Anderson Cooper, David Corkins, Delos Cosgrove, Dick Costolo, Cristian Croitoru, Henry Crumpton, Jose Luis Cutrale, Will Danoff, Philippe Dauman, Christopher Davis, Alfonso de Angoitia, John DeGioia, Diego Della Valle, Brian Demain, Andre Desmarais, David DeVoe, Feroz Dewan, William DeWitt, Barry Diller, Daniel Doctoroff, Jonathan Dolgen, John Donahoe, Jack Dorsey, Michael Duke, Mathias Dopfner, David Ebersman, Wesley Edens, Marvin Edwards, Eric Eisner, Michael Eisner, John Elkann, Thomas Evans, Randel Falco, Jose Antonio Fernandez, Michael Ferror, Niall W. A. FitzGerald, Thomas Friedman, Michael Fries, Tommy Frist, Daniel Fulton, Michael Fux, Mala Gaonkar, Whitfield Gardner, William Gates, Melinda Gates, Julius Genachowski, Daniel Gilbert, Thomas Giovine, David Goldberg, Roger Goodell, Bing Gordon, Donald Graham, Brian Grazer, Brad Grey, John Griffin, Andreas Halvorsen, Reed Hastings, General Michael Hayden USAF, James Heavener, John Hendricks, John Henry, John Heyman, Kazuo Hirai, John Hock, Reid Hoffman, Won Pyo Hong, Lisa Hook, Ben Horowitz, Drew Houston, Robert Iger, David Ignatius, Martin Indyk, Phillip Jackson, Eli Jacobs, Paul Jacobs, Robert Johnson, Salar Kamanger, Peter Karmanos, Alexander Karp, Michael Karsch, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Michael Keating, Brian Kelly, Muhtar Kent, Joseph Robert Kerrey, Dara Khosrowshahi, Seth Klaman, Joel Klein, Peter Klein, Philip H Knight, Victor Koo, Robert Kotick, Robert Kraft, Henry Kravis, Ynon Kreiz, Blake Krikorian, Ananda Krishnan, Stan Kroenke, Daniel Lamarre, Michael Larson, Martin Lau, Michael Leavitt, Jay Lee, Eric Lefkofsky, Theordore Leonsis, Max Levchin, David Levin, Phil Libin, Martin Lipton, Bryan Lourd, Kenneth W Lowe, Michael Lowenstein, Dan Lufkin, Dennis P LYnch, Michael Lynton, Maurice Levy, John Malone, Robert Marcus, Morris Mark, Donald Mattrick, Kathleen A McCarragher, General Stanley A McChrystal, Andrew McKenna, General Montgomery C Meigs, Lorenzo Mendoza, Ron Meyer, Roberto Mignone, Hiroshi Mikitani, Bill Miller, Kenneth Miranda, Thomas Monahan, Leslie Moonves, Luis Alberto Moreno, Dan Moskovitz, Craig Mundle, James Murdoch, Rupert Mudoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Nathan Myhrvold, Michael Neidorff, Jonathan M Nelson, Vivi Nevo, Sam Nunn, Michael E O'Hanlon, Daniel J O'Keefe, Don O'Neal, Ronald L Olson, Evan Osnos, CL Butch Otter, Michael Ovitz, Larry Page, Stephen G Pagliuca, Saul Pannell, Mark Papa, William Pappendick, MIchael Pausic, Minxin Pei, Francois-Henry Pinault, Mark Pincus, Laurene Powell, Lawrence F Probst, Rebecca Quick, Thomas Rabe, Jay Rasulo, Jerry Reinsdorf, Danny Rimer, Richard Riordan, Ambassador Charles H Rivkin, Brian Roberts, James Robinson IIi, James Robinson IV, Fernando Rodes Vila, Brian Rogers, Congressman Mike Rogers, Charlie Rose, Daniel Rose, Wilbur L Ross, Haim Saban, Karim Sadjadpour, Sheryl Sandberg, Ricky Sandler, Ted Sarandos, Fayez Sarofim, Nassef Sawiris, Eric Schmidt, John Schneider, Christopher Schroeder, John Scully, Allan Selig, Nicole Seligman, Eric Semler, William Siegel, Herbert Siegel, Ben Silbermann, Christopher Silbermann, Louis Simpson, Eduardo Sirotsky Melzer, Andrew Sorkin, Sir Martin Sorrell, Thomas Staggs, Cristina Stenbeck, David Stern, Michael Stone, Sir Howard Stringer, Robert Swan, Peter Thiel, Mark Thompson, Sebastian Thrun, Thomas Tull, Peter Ueberroth, Joseph Vacanti, Jeffrey Van Harte, Owen Van Natta, Martin Varsavsky, Leftie Vaughn, Michelangelo Volpi, Alexandre Von Furstenberg, Dian von Furstenberg, Casey Wasserman, David Weinberg, Judd Weinberg, Jeff Weiner, Harvey Weinstein, Wallace R Weitz, Robert Werbel, Michael White, Meg Whitman, Jim Wiatt, James Williams, Fred Wilpon, Jeffrey Wilpon, Fred Wilson, David J Winters, Nicholas Woodman, Major General Amos Yadlin, Jerry Yang, Jed York, David Zaslav, Dirk E Ziff, Gianfranco Zoppas, Mark Zuckerberg, Jack Ma, Jeff Bezos, Tony Wible, Marissa Mayer, General Stanley McChrystal, John Kerry, Michael Bloomberg, Justin Trudeau, Iggy Azalea, 2017 Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference 2017, Usain Bolt, Burning Mogul

Sun Valley Conference 2010

Day 1 — Day 2 — Day 3 — Day 4

——————————————

Day 3:

There is an unspoken and unwritten code among us moguls that I am about to break.

I have seen many things over my crazy life – from drugged out son of movie mogul Harry Manka in the 1960s and 70s to my current life as head of Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company – but nothing prepared me for the fucked up shit that Herb Allen (& Co.) put us through last night. This is a sick and pathetic world (even for us rich and powerful) and you either join the sick and pathetic to survive or die trying.

While the media that is gathered behind the barbed wire and gun toting secret police outside the walls of the Sun Valley Lodge will hear one story about last night’s “charity gala hosted by Diane Von Furstenberg” – the real story is what happened on the other side of the Lodge.

At 7:46 PM, the lights went out in my room. This wasn’t a problem since it was still light outside. I could see fine. A slow, ominous drum beat could be heard in the distance. Then, the distinct voice of Charlie Rose came over the loudspeakers in what I thought was Latin but just turned out to be bad pronunciation. I started to make out the words:

“Seekers and Outliers…
Don’t Blink…
It’s An Inflection Point…
The Tipping Point…”

There was a pounding on the door of my suite. I looked over and saw smoke coming from underneath the door. I put on a robe and opened the door.

Standing there was Sergey Brin and Larry Page dressed in chain mail – almost like Oakland Raider fans. Sergey was holding a smoke machine. Larry, speaking in as low a pitch as possible (but still pretty high), said: “You have been chosen. The Master demands your presence.”

Behind them, down the hall, I could see Jeff Zucker and Brian Roberts (badly disguised in homemade Spider-man costumes) drag a screaming Jeffrey Katzenberg out of his room and down the hall. Katzenberg was screaming: “I just need to finish this fucking call, you assholes!”

I went peacefully in my bathrobe to wherever the Google guys were taking me. Why the fuck not? This conference was already a dud as far as I’m concerned. This could actually be something interesting.

It was odd to see the Hotel Staff continue to say things to me like “Good evening, Mr. Manka” and “How are you tonight, sir?” – while being led to some secret location by Sergey Brin and Larry Page in chain mail. I believe they were supposed to put a hood on my head because once we got outside they stopped and argued a bit and then put a hood on my head. I could hear a few kids jumping into the nearby pool and having a good time.

As I walked toward something in complete darkness, the drum beat got louder and more intense and I could feel the heat of fire. My hood was suddenly pulled from my head and I had to laugh at what I saw–

–Barry Diller – in tight, small burlap sack shorts, a pair of metallic wings on his bare arms that were on fire at the tips and nothing else – standing in front of me in all his glory. I believe he had taken advantage of the free spray tan offered by the hotel.

Behind him, on the ground doing Chinese splits in front of a large Burning Figure was Jon Miller. He was staring right at me as though he was about to kick my ass.

Barry was having some trouble holding up the metal wings, so Haim Saban and Les Moonves each held up a wing.

Barry Diller spoke to me in that slow, effeminate but oh-so-frightening voice: “Khan Manka, are you new media or old media?”

I told him I didn’t believe in the concept of old and new media. It’s just media to me.

Barry Diller: Wrong answer!

What followed (and I can’t keep writing because there are more pointless presentations and panels to go to today) was an insane night of dancing around fires; simulating the drinking of blood (which were actually Cape Cods with red food dye squeezed out of bota bags); rubbing canola oil and dirt onto each others bodies; something called the “golden shower test”; and, lastly, Barry demanded a human sacrifice which we all quickly decided should be Marc Andreesson. I’ll never get his screams out of my head.

It was just the worst freakin’ night of my life.

Afterwards, the lights came up and we were all given a goody bag by Herb Allen of various new handheld devices including the iPhone 4, the Droid and the latest iPad.

This morning, 5:00 a.m. came really early. The last thing I wanted to hear was the “Dawn of the Mogul”.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company