Good morning from the Seychelles…
I’m in the last few days of my May-July vacation, slamming hard drinks for people who want to get drunk fast.
This is a revolutionary and amazing day at Manka Bros. and, I would imagine, a pretty crappy day for the growing Chang family. By the way, congrats, Dave, on the twins you have on the way!
Next week, I return to the States to attend Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Retreat… again. And, because the old days are gone, I will have to deal with a millennial crowd who prefers mango seltzers and planking over pounding shots and dog racing.
But we’ll get to that next week.
Today, I am announcing INDUSTRY-SHATTERING NEWS that will have Hollywood shaking and Silicon Valley screaming with envy.
(Get ready techno nerd bloggers, I know you love this bullshit techno stuff!)
David Chang, Manka Bros.’ CFO for the past few years, has been replaced effective immediately by an A.I. unit that will be called BARB GONZALEZ.
I chose the name ‘Barb’ because I was insistent on a FEMALE-VOICED A.I. unit (and Barb sounds like a friendly Canadian librarian on the surface – but don’t get me wrong, she’ll cut you a new one if you cross her) and I also wanted an Hispanic last name because #DIVERSITY.
However, as great and historic as this announcement is – this was not an easy decision.
After weeks of exhaustive research at the Manka Innovation Center Encino (or M.I.C.E. – in fairness, the building is in Van Nuys but Encino made a better acronym), it has been proven within a thirty percent range, A.I. can improve the performance of a human CFO by sixteen percent after the first five years of installation (plus, no health benefits or retirement plans necessary!) #FUCKING-A
At Manka Bros. this percentage goes up WAY more when you plug in “David Chang” and his unfortunate performance over the past few years. (Apologies, again, to David Chang and his family at this difficult time in his life and career.)
So, how did we get here?
After an offsite a couple of months ago at the Montage Resort & Spa in Laguna Beach, CA, where I was working with Senior Management on ways to cut costs, I was shown several Keynote presentations which all came to the same conclusion… (except for Jay McBee’s awful TV presentation. I don’t know what the fuck that guy was talking about!)… IT’S EITHER KILL OR BE KILLED.
I’ve decided to kill.
There were brainstorms – breakout groups – morning meditations… we met and met and met… and met some more – looking, searching for the knockout blow that would drop the other studios to their knees.
Until, finally, the idea of replacing quality workers with higher-quality A.I. was floated in a recent meeting by some person – I don’t even know the name (though someone who will eventually be replaced with A.I. – HA!). That’s when I quickly realized this is a no-brainer for the studio. And a no-brainer for me.
That said, I realize the human cost this sort of massive technology disruption can cause – especially for David Chang who probably won’t find another job after this humiliation.
But the future is… the future. The past… blows.
If anyone is concerned about the security of Manka Bros.’ highly-confidential financial records, don’t worry – we have contracted with Google to ensure all of Barb Gonzalez’s most sensitive work is completely safe and hack free!
If you have any questions about this decision or want to comment or just need emotional support, please contact Barb Gonzalez or follow her on Twitter.
Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros.Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company
P.S. – Barb is the FIRST female-voiced A.I. CFO in the entertainment industry and we hope Hollywood and Silicon Valley will take our lead in achieving equality in male / female A.I. voices. (And, Hollywood, fyi… it’s so much cheaper to use a female A.I. voice!)