Kevin Tsujihara – Chairman's Blog

Good morning.

As of today, Manka Bros. will no longer hire anyone who is 30 or over.

Over the past year or so, I have come to realize it would be a strategic blunder for myself and the Manka Bros. shareholders to produce any new content or develop any new distribution platforms for anyone other than those between the ages of 0 and 29.

I’m not going to lose millions just so some old person can keep their job!

Manka Bros. is producing 157 comic book movies over the next 35 years. I don’t want that shit to look cool to 50-year-olds but completely bore 15-year-olds.

Based on everything we need to do going forward, there is no point to having anyone work on the creative or business side that is over 30.

Business schools call this the “Logan’s Run” HR strategy and it’s secretly being used effectively by many high-profile Silicon Valley companies.

I like to think of it more as the MTV VJ strategy of firing the VJ women (only) once they hit 25. (Look at me, “MTV VJs” – really showing my age there. Thank God I own the studio or I would right out on my ass 🙂 )

But seriously, 31-year-olds don’t know what 25-year-olds watch or how they interact with content. And no one gives a shit what a 31-year-old watches.

I mean, who is going to watch the new Mad Max movie (which was made by a 70-year-old director!)? I mean, just look at this piece of shit:

The buzz is much better for our upcoming summer release “Flaccid Trip” – which was directed by an 18-year-old high school kid using only his iPhone as a camera.

Watch this clip and you be the judge:

See what I mean? THAT’S what the young people want.

Being the oldest (and largest) studio in Hollywood has its advantages (deep pockets, deep library, classic characters) but also its disadvantages (old thinking, stuck in our ways, etc.).

So, what’s to become of all the current employees who are over 30?

Most will be let go with the exception of anyone that is an SVP or above.

While it is true that most of the SVPs and above are rich, fat and haven’t thought of anything new or exciting in years, most of their exit packages would be too great and I don’t want to part with that cash. (And I also don’t want to disrupt my weekly squash game that I have with some of those guys.)

Everyone below SVP – who is 30 or older – should be receiving some sort of call in the next, I don’t know, month or so.

I’m sure this new policy will have its detractors and I’m sure you all have many questions – but it is nearing lunch time and I am typing this myself (my assistant is 42 and I don’t want to upset her before lunch).

Thanks for all your hard work over the years (though I know many of you didn’t work hard at all – just saying) and I hope all of you who are leaving Manka Bros. will wish us all the best as we become a younger, incredibly innovative and much more fun place to work.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – If you are 29, you may want to start looking for a job (or go on unemployment, I don’t really care).

P.P.S – Follow us on SOCIAL MEDIA! That’s right, suckers, we’re on Vine, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, YouTube, Tumblr, Snapchat (maybe not) – because THAT’S what my daughter Connie says the kids are doing.

P.P.P.S. – And for any old people and losers out there – we also have a web page, a broadcast network and cable channels – HA HA – pathetic.

Good afternoon.

The title pretty much says it all.

THIS SHIT IS REAL!

So come on, Comic Con geeks – let your heads commence to explode.

THIS IS A HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT and a financial commitment unparalleled in the history of Hollywood (and way more impressive than DC Comics or Marvel’s puny little movie announcements).

We’ve talked about getting these world-class characters out of the comic book pages and onto the big screen for months – especially when you see some of those box office grosses – Jesus Christ – people will watch anything!

And MC Comics has arguably the best characters in the universe – it is Manka Bros.’ crown jewel.

I think the entire planet is ready for a “Captain Stoppo” movie (which, unfortunately, isn’t part of our current plan).

And what is the plan? Here you go, movie dorks – and, by the way, YOU’RE WELCOME!

Starting 2015, Manka Bros. will release 3-5 MC Comics SUPERMOVIES™ a year. (I don’t call them event films or tentpoles – I call them SUPERMOVIES™ – meaning big, awesome and insanely profitable).

By 2050, the story arcs we have mapped out over the past few days will be completed and we’ll be ready to go in a new direction.

Maybe we’ll start doing epic romantic comedies or something. No matter what, we’ll be able to do whatever the fuck we want because we’re going to make so much bank on these comic book movies it’s not even funny.

Enough of my chatter -let’s get to the release schedule – it’s going to be a long scroll:

2015:

The Javelin: End Of Innocence (March 4)
Uncle Knuckles: Unnecessary Evil (July 2)
The Brown Haze: Code of H.O.N.O.R.(November 18)

2016:

Doctor Proctor: Aliens Unite (June 9)
The Jacobeans: Copernican Revolution (August 12)
Skullboy: Birth of T.O.R.N.A.T.O. (featuring The Javelin, Uncle Knuckles, The Brown Haze, Microwife and Sheetah) (TBD)
Johnny Crasp & The Lost Trood (Christmas)

2017:

Sheetah: Harvest of Sorrow (February 14)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O.: Midnight Storm (May 6)
The Javelin 2: Heroes Unwelcome (July 18)
Pebble Boy: Who Is Pebble Boy? (October 20)

2018:

Uncle Knuckles 2: Evil Is Not Necessary (April 3)
Gray Goose & Orange Crush: Earth’s Last Stand (June 27)
The Father: Obey (November 8)
The Jacobeans 2: The Smell of Death (Christmas)

2019:

Buddha vs. Moses: Curse of the Millennium (March 17)
Doctor Proctor 2: Always Say Never (July 6)
The Son: Adore & Glorify (November 7)
The Brown Haze 2: Planet on Fire (Thanksgiving)

2020:

T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 2: Bluetooth Ascends(April 6)
The Black Wasp: Deadly Flight (July 7)
The Holy Ghost: You Must Fear (November 9)
Skullboy 2: Sailors Delight (December 18)

2021:

Pebble Boy 2: Clayhead’s Revenge (March 14)
Johnny Crasp & The Lost Trood 2: Seasons In The Sun (August 25)
The Father vs. The Son vs. The Holy Ghost: Heaven’s On Fire (Christmas)

2022:

Sheetah 2: Inside The Dark (February 10)
Uncle Knuckles 3: Evil Stand Down (May 5)
Buddha vs. Moses vs. The Black Wasp: End Of Days (Thanksgiving)
The Jacobeans 3: Birth Of A Nation (Christmas)

2023:

Vertebraek: The Mayan Dutchman (March 8)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 3: Everything Dies (May 20)
The Human Jaguar vs. The Animal Jaguar: Gorilla Warfare (Part 1 of 5) (July 23)
The Holy Ghost 2: Down To Earth (December 22)

2024:

The Javelin 3: The New Javelin (April 18)
The Black Wasp 2: Dead Dead Dead (Never To Return) (July 4)
Buddha, Jesus, Moses & Young (A Comedy) (November 4)

2025:

Pebble Boy 3: Pebble Man (January 16)
Doctor Proctor 3: Fatal Examination (June 28)
The Human Jaguar vs. The Animal Jaguar: Skinned Alive (Part 2 of 5) (November 14)

2026:

Vertebraek 2: Deathert Storm (February 12)
The Brown Haze 3: Clear Skies (May 15)
The Human Jaguar vs. The Animal Jaguar: Shot In The Back (Part 3 of 5) (November 12)
Joe Jitsu: The Death of Chuck Spalding (Christmas)

2027:

T.O.R.N.A.T.O 4: Fresh Dawn (featuring new characters including The New Javelin, Joe Jitsu, Moses, Mysteria, Groan and The Kentuckian) (May 5)
The Jacobeans 4: Pandemic (July 3)
The Black Wasp 3: Never Stay Dead (October 4)
The Human Jaguar vs. The Animal Jaguar: Filthy Beast (Part 4 of 5) (November 15)

2028:

The New Javelin: The Indian Train Porter (March 20)
Phillip Jagstone: The Human Box (June 16)
Smack-O-Lantern: World On Fire (October 24)
The Human Jaguar vs. The Animal Jaguar: Somebody Wins (Part 5 of 5 – Part 1) (November 18)

2029:

Pebble Man: The Birth Of Pebble Boy (March 17)
Johnny Crasp & The Lost Trood 3: Bleeding City Of Gold (June 16)
Uncle Knuckles: No Surrender (brand refresh) (October 17)
The Human Jaguar vs. The Animal Jaguar: Somebody Wins (Part 5 of 5 – Part 2) (November 19)

2030:

The Indian Train Porter: Mumbai Monsoon (April 17)
Joe Jitsu 2: The Masked Apparition (August 2)
The Human Jaguar vs. The Animal Jaguar: Somebody Wins (Part 5 of 5 – Part 3) November 20
The Duchess of Malfi vs. The Human Box (Christmas)

2031:

The New Javelin 2: Killosopher’s Last Stand (March 18)
Colonel Albania: Czechmate (July 17)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 1 of 6) (November 12)
The Forgotten 8: Pointillist Rising (featuring The Lifter, Pinch Hitter, 2 Of Clubs, Da Boss, Everlass, Slacks, The Ghost of Hamlet’s Father and Soknotta) (Christmas)

2032:

Pebble Boy vs. The Brown Haze: Sundown (May 5)
The Black Wasp 4: Gravity Ends (July 17)
The Human Box: The Phillip Jagstone Chronicles (Part 1 of 3) (October 14)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 2 of 6) (November 13)

2033:

Vertebraek 3: Seeds Of Destruction (April 3)
The Indian Train Porter 2: Controlled Substance (August 15)
Smack-O-Lantern 2: Sending My Love (October 22)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 3 of 6) (November 12)
Joe Jitsu 3: Groan & Gasp (November 26)
The Duchess Of Malfi: Prelude To A Storm (Christmas)

2034:

Colonel Albania 2: Lethalania (February 3)
Sheetah 3: There’s A New Sheetah In Town (April 7)
The Human Box: The Phillip Jagstone Chronicles (Part 2 of 3) (July 23)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 4 of 6) (November 13)
Buddha vs. Moses vs. The Black Wasp 2: Exodus (Christmas)

2035:

The New Javelin 3: The Rebirth Of T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 1 (featuring all the original T.O.R.N.A.T.O. members but younger (The Javelin, Uncle Knuckles, The Brown Haze, Microwife and Sheetah) – not to be confused with the T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile series characters (The New Javelin, Joe Jitsu, Moses, Mysteria, Groan and The Kentuckian) (May 13)
Johnny Crasp & The Lost Trood 4: Skullinary Art (August 10)
Pebble Boy vs. Crocodoll: Island On Fire (October 10)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 5 of 6) (November 15)

2036:

The Amazing Echo: Deceptikon 436 (February 2)
The Forgotten 8 2: Hope Laughs (April 18)
The Human Box: The Phillip Jagstone Chronicles (Part 3 of 3 – Part 1) (July 16)
Smack-O-Lantern 3: Death Knocks (October 20)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 6 of 6 – Part 1) (November 18)

2037:

Groan & Gasp: The Fall Of Smugly (February 6)
New Sheetah: Sunrise At Dawn (March 29)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O 1: Universal Upheaval (July 16)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 6 of 6 – Part 2) (November 15)
The Indian Train Porter 3: Cry Of The Creed Whacker (December 18)

2038:

Madgician: Death To The Forgotten 8 (March 7)
The Human Box: The Phillip Jagstone Chronicles (Part 3 of 3 – Part 2) (July 7)
General Albania: Promotion Granted (August 17)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 6 of 6 – Part 3) (November 7)
The Jacobeans vs. Mandito: God Will Decide (Christmas)

2039:

Uncle Knuckles / Pebble Boy Crossover Event (Title TBD) (March 12)
Doctor Proctor: Lou Tonium’s Final War (July 4)
The Amazing Echo 2: The Inertian (October 10)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 6 of 6 – Part 4) (November 20)

2040:

Johnny Crasp & the Lost Trood 5: Found Trood (February 14)
Sheetah & The Human Jaguar vs. Joe Jitsu & Uncle Knuckles: Hell Unbound (May 25)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 2: Universe Unhinged (July 6)
The Holy Ghost 3: Fear The Reaper (August 17)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 6 of 6 – Part 5) (November 22)
The Fissureman: Earth Walker (December 14)

2041:

Groan & Gasp 2: The Story Of Gunshine (March 6)
Pebble Boy vs. Crocodoll 2: The Death Of Crocodoll, The Birth Of Brawlcano (May 14)
Vertebraek 4: Welcome To Hades (July 16)
Smack-O-Lantern 4: A Musical Horromedy (October 20)
New Sheetah 2: Old Sheetah’s Shadow (December 3)

2042:

Clayhead 2: High School Sucks (April 24)
The New Brown Haze: Big Bang (brand refresh) (Jun 15)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O: God Help Us All (July 17)
Insurance Squad No. 1: Galaxy Implosion (November 15)

2043:

The Forgotten 8 3: Burn In Hell (March 25)
Brawlcano: Mind The Gap (July 15)
Lou Tonium: The World Is Flattened (October 20)
Uncle Knuckles / Pebble Boy Crossover Event 2 (Title TBD) (November 16)
The Ghost Of Hamlet’s Father: Murder Most Foul (Christmas)

2044:

The Jacobeans vs. Mandito 2: Splat (February 22)
The Kentuckian: Galactic Hoedown (June 25)
Sheetah & The Human Jaguar vs. Joe Jitsu & Uncle Knuckles 2: Hell Unscrewed (November 3)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 2: Hell’s Apocalypse (November 27)
The Fissureman 2: Earth Runner (Christmas)

2045:

Groan & Gasp 2: Dr. Flamenco’s Return (January 23)
Clayhead 3: High School Still Sucks (April 19)
The Indian Train Porter 4: One More Job (July 20)
Smack-O-Lantern: Back To Terror (October 17)
General Albania 2: White Sea Cannibal (Christmas)

2046:

Madgician 2: Revenge Of Madgician’s Rabbit (March 4)
Glassh vs. Smugly: No One Survives (May 26)
Lou Tonium 2: Quarantined (July 6)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 3: Serious Business (November 15)
Crocodoll’s Christmas In Virginia (December 12)

2047:

Dr. Flamenco: The Last Dance (February 14)
The Forgotten 8 4: Habeas Corpus (June 17)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O 4: All Is Lost (November 12)
The Kentuckian 2: Galactic Barbecue (December 3)

2048:

Sheetah & The Human Jaguar vs. Joe Jitsu & Uncle Knuckles 3: Hell’s Last Stand (March 7)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 5: Gotterdammerung (Part 1) (June 3)
Insurance Squad No. 2: Solar Eclipse (August 15)
The Indian Train Porter Dies (October 23)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 5: Gotterdammerung (Part 2) (November 17)
Crocodoll’s Christmas In Virginia 2: Valentine’s Day (December 20)

2049:

General Albania vs. Pebble Boy: Soviet Beatdown (February 14)
Clayhead 4: College Sucks (April 15)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 5: Gotterdammerung (Part 3) (July 4)
Lou Tonium 3: Damn It! (August 24)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 5: Gotterdammerung (Part 4) (November 12)

2050:

Insurance Squad No. 3: Flame Throwers (March 14)
The Fissureman 3: Into The Jungle (May 7)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 5: Gotterdammerung (Part 5) (July 2)
Doctor Proctor & Sheetah Get Married (working title) (August 12)
Smack-O-Lantern: Swallow This (October 18)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 5: Gotterdammerung (Part 6) (November 6)
Crocodoll’s Christmas In Virginia 3: Columbus Day (Christmas)

Whew, that’s a lot of content! I certainly hope WALL STREET (pricks) gets as excited about this list of titles as I am.

So now we’re just going to go out and make these 157 movies. We’ll start hiring writers and directors and actors and come up with costumes and all that stuff.

Manka Bros. has, once again, proven that we are – by a long shot- the world’s largest media company!

Take that Jack Ma!

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – I’d like to thank my assistant Vicky Adler-Modry for typing up this gigantic list. I’ve given her the rest of the evening off.

Tag: Kevin Tsujihara

Manka Bros. Will No Longer Hire Anyone Over 30