I am not a freak.
I am not a dork.
So why am I here today?
I’m here because you geeks, freaks and dorks help keep me in private planes and make my Holmby Hills house very very affordable.
And even though I would rather cut off my own head than to sit and have a private conversation with any of you idiots, I am very happy that you exist and continue to support Manka Bros. and our MC Comics imprint.
But, let me be clear, I do not want to talk about what happened in Show X, Episode Blah Blah of Season Blah. One reason is I probably don’t know the answers. Another reason is that I seriously don’t give a shit.
And if I hear one more question about when we’re going to make a “Captain Stoppo” movie, I will spray you with bug repellent and have your all-inclusive convention passes ripped to shreds.
All that said… let’s get started. Roll the TelePrompTer.
WELCOME TO COMIC-CON 2010! That was quite an opening ceremony. I particularly love the annual Running Of The Freaks! So many costumes. So many potential heart attacks.
And how about that Parade of Batmans? Who knew there were so many Batmans over the years? Well done.
After my speech, I will illuminate the Ceremonial Lightsaber and Comic-Con will officially begin!
I am pleased to be joined on this stage by the Distinguished Legion of Magnificent Elders and the League of UltraTriumverants… (off-script) … whatever the fuck that means.
[Behind Mr. Manka, in folding chairs, are several people dressed as superheroes, sci-fi characters and elves.]
I am told the guy with the Chewbacca head over there has never missed a single day of the convention since Comic-Con started 40 years ago. I would imagine you’ve seen it all, huh, pal?
[Chewbacca nods his head several times.]
[Silence – except for one high pitched laugh from the back of the crowd.]
Who the fuck said that joke would land? It’s pronounced the same fucking way. The joke is that the award is changed to Wrath of K-H-A-N – not C-O-N.
[There are some mild chuckles from the crowd and then a few sneezes and coughs.]
I don’t know if any of you can see the award – but it’s this stupid little Ricardo Montalban doll put on a trophy base. Pretty ridiculous. Maybe my dog would like to play with it.
[Stunned silence then a few ‘gasps’ and one very loud “FUCK YOU!”]
Moving on. Many in the press have said that Comic-Con is dead. That Hollywood has killed the goose that laid the golden egg. That’s ridiculous. First of all, the word “laid” should never be used in a room like this. Am I right? I mean, look at you.
[Several loud ‘boos’ and some wheezing.]
What the fuck, Ethan? Who’s the idiot that said that joke would work? Jesus Christ. I’m flying solo here! Get out of my sight!
[Ethan Rubidoux – President of Manka Bros. Consumer Products, Live Theater, Sports and Digital Distribution – ducks behind a stage pillar.]
OK, OK – calm down, you nudnicks!
Hey, loser with the PrompTer, get back to my speech. It’s rolling all over the fucking place. OK… good…
Seventy-five years ago, my father (the asshole Harry Manka) and uncles (Khan (Sr.) and Simeon) purchased the rights to a little known comic strip for thirty-five cents from a starving child artist on Hollywood Blvd. The kid wanted forty cents but my dad talked him down. That comic strip? “Captain Stoppo”…
Who would have thought that dumb little cartoon would become the foundation of MC Comics – the World’s Largest Comic Book company. With iconic characters such as The Planet 4, Dumb Kirk, Sniper Ken, Fig Men, Hydrogen Bob and the Flamer, MC Comics has no real rival. I weep for Marvel and DC Comics and their pathetic little characters.
Believe me, if my life were in danger, I would trust The Liberal Spear to save my neck before suck ass Batman or Spider-man. Am I right?
[Some applause. Some ‘boos’.]
But before I open it up for questions, I have a question for you: What can YOU do for ME? Well, if I may answer for you, you can watch my networks.
We also have a weird, egghead-type sci-fi show “The Real Truth” slated for mid-season. I’m not sure what it will replace since most of our fall shows are horrible and will most likely be canceled.
From our Theatrical Group, The Planet 4 (Earth Shield 4X) is opening October 15. We have a presentation tomorrow at Qualcomm Stadium. The entire cast will be on hand and, I’m told… hang on, I have to read this… they will be arriving from Planet 4 via Flidrox c41?
Does that mean anything to you wastoids?
[Applause and shouts of approval from the crowd.]
Is that some kind of space ship? Goddamn, what do you think that cost?
Thanks for the Wrath of Con (Khan) Award. I will do my best to uphold the high standards of last year’s winner – Rupert Murdoch. I’m not sure if he actually won it, I really have no idea.
What time are cocktails? I believe Manka Bros. is having our party on some hotel rooftop. I’m happy to say none of you freaks are invited.
I’ll now open it up for questions…
OK, yeah, Batman there in the third row. Question?
Batman: Any plans for a “Captain Stoppo” movie?
Khan Manka, Jr.: I’m out of here! Fuck you all!