Les Moonves – Page 2 – Chairman's Blog

May 5, 2011May 5, 2011

Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer Judy McGrath A Job

Adam Townsend, Alan Greenberg, Angeline Straka, Anthea Disney, Anthony G. Ambrosio, Ari Emanuel, Arnold Kopelson, Beryl Cook, Blythe McGarvie, Brad Grey, Bruce Gordon, Carl Folta, Charles Gifford, Charles Phillips, Chase Carey, David Devoe, David Poltrack, David R. Angelman, Debra Lee, DeDe Lea, Denise White, Doug Morris, Fred Salerno, Gary Countryman, Gary Ginsberg, Genie Gavenchak, George Abrams, Gil Schwartz, Jack Horner, James Barge, James Bombassei, James Murdoch, Jeff Weiner, Jill Kennedy, John Nallen, Joseph Califano, Joseph Ianniello, Jr., Jr. Frederic Salerno, Judy McGrath, Julie Henderson, Kara Swisher, Khan Manka, Lawrence Jacobs, Leonard Goldberg, Les Moonves, Linda Griego, Louis Briskman, Manka Bros., Martin Franks, Michael Fricklas, Michael Regan, Nikki Finke, OnMedea, Philippe Dauman, Reed Nolte, Richard M. Jones, Robert Kraft, Roger Ailes, Rupert Murdoch, Shari Redstone, Sharon Waxman, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, thewrap.com, Thomas Dooley, Tom Mockridge, Tony Santabarbara, Wade Davis, William Cohen, William Schwartz

So my old (understatement) friend Sumner Redstone has decided to let Judy McGrath “resign”.

What a dumb ass idiot mistake. His mind is really starting to fail him now.

Sumner used to let me know in advance when his senior executives were going to be leaving so that I could be first in line to poach them if I felt they would fit in at Manka Bros. But he’s been so focused on JWoww lately, he rarely even picks up the phone for me anymore (and this after I let him stay at my house after his divorce and came to his pathetic Christmas party!).

But I digress…

I have known Judy McGrath for well over 30 years. Before I was Chairman & CEO of Manka Bros. in the early 1970s (my asshole father Harry Manka was in charge then) she used to come hear my band King Khan play our regular gigs at the Starlite Lounge in North Hollywood. She was known to the band as Sweet Judy Blue Eyes (though I really don’t know what color her eyes are).

If I wasn’t forced to take over Manka Bros. after my father’s death who knows how great my band would have been. And with Judy McGrath going to MTV, we definitely would have had a video in high rotation! Goddamnit!

But I digress…

Anyway, so Judy, Manka Bros. would like to offer you a job. You can pretty much pick which division you would like to lead.

We currently have a President of our Television Group, Jay McBee, but he really sucks at his job and only has it because he won a random draw nationwide competition based on a code found underneath a Pepsi cap. Before winning, he worked at Radio Shack in Sioux City, IA. In the TV business that’s normally enough of a qualification, but Jay keeps finding new and more exciting ways to suck. It’s stunning really. So his job is definitely available if you’d like to stay in TV.

Or just peruse our Senior Management list and take your pick. Lloyd Grohl is the only one that is safe as far as I’m concerned.

Please call my assistant, Vicky Adler-Modry, to set up an appointment. Regardless of what you may have heard about Manka Bros.’ recent track record, there is still no better place to work than at the World’s Largest Media Company.

And we have free yogurt Fridays during the summer!

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

December 7, 2010May 12, 2011

World’s Largest Media Companies – 2010

Abby Barba, Ada Guerin, Alex Ben Block, Andrew Wallenstein, Andy Forssell, Angela Bromstad, AOL Time Warner, Ari Emanuel, Arthur Block, Ava Seave, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Daly, Bob Iger, Borys Kit, Brian Roberts, Bruce C. Greenwald, Carl DiOrio, Chadwick Ho, Charley Daniels, Comcast, David Carr, David Cohen, David Morgan, Deborah Young, Disney, Dr. Judith Rodin, DreamWorks, Edward Breen, Elizabeth Guider, Emily Johnson, Eric Feng, Eric Mika, Erik Pedersen, Etan Vlessing, Fabio Periera, Fancast, Georg Szalai, Gerald Hassell, Gerry Levin, Gregg Kilday, Hulu, IAC, J. Michael Cook, Jace Hall, Jackie Vuong, James Hibberd, Jason Hall, Jason Kilar, Jay A. Fernandez, Jean-Marie Messier, Jean-Paul Colaco, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Katzenberg, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Honickman, Jeffrey Immelt, Jenna Bordelon, Jill Kennedy, Joe Collins, Johannes Larcher, Jonathan A. Knee, Julian Brodsky, Karen Nicoletti, Kenneth Bacon, Kevin Cassidy, Khan Manka, Kimberly Nordyke, Kirk Honeycutt, Lawrence Salva, Les Moonves, Lesley Goldberg, Manka Bros., Matthew Belloni, Michael Angelakis, Michael Eisner, Michael Sovern, Mike Barnes, Mimi Turner, NBC Universal, Nellie Andreeva, New York Times, News Corp., Noela Hueso, OnMedea, Patrick Frater, Paul Bond, Paul Telegdy, Peter Chernin, Ralf Ludemann, Ralph Roberts, Ray Bennett, Robert Iger, Roger Friedman, Rupert Murdoch, S. Decker Anstrom, Sheldon M. Bonovitz, Stephen Burke, Stephen Galloway, Steve Case, Steven Zeitchik, Stuart Kemp, Sumner Redstone, Ted Turner, Terry Semel, The Curse of the Mogul, The Hollywood Reporter, Time Warner, Todd Cunningham, Tom Fuelling, Viacom, World's Largest Media Company

Good morning.

The brain trust of The Hollywood Reporter has come out with what they say will be the World’s Largest Media Companies after the Comcast NBC Universal deal goes through. BULLSHIT, I SAY!

THR has had it in for me ever since I threatened to buy them and shut them down after a scathing and hurtful review of the Manka Bros. film “Freak Accident” appeared in their ‘paper’ a couple of years ago. So I’m not totally surprised they left Manka Bros. off their chart. But I am, frankly, shocked that they would throw truth out the window so carelessly over a personal vendetta. (Maybe that’s naive of me – especially in this town.)

I suppose this is the price I pay for not buying those bullshit, complete waste of money “For Your Consideration” ads.

Fine, Eric Mika (Publisher – The Hollywood Reporter). You live by your ethical standards and I’ll live by mine.

The chart shown on this page (and here), which my senior executive team at Manka Bros. put together over the weekend, clearly shows the correct ranking of World’s Largest Media Companies.

This chart was additionally reviewed by several leading independent external auditors in New York, Los Angeles, Hong Kong and Instanbul and is the most current and accurate World’s Largest Media Company chart available.

And… as you can see by the size of the dark blue bar in the chart, MANKA BROS. REMAINS THE WORLD’S LARGEST MEDIA COMPANY!

Please reflect this fact in any future reporting you do on this subject. Failure to report the truth may cost you dearly.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

June 9, 2010May 5, 2011

Rupert Murdoch and Sumner Redstone

“I’m a firm believer that everyone is a freakin’ idiot and don’t know shit about nothing…” – Harry Manka (my father)

Good afternoon. It’s been a while.

I’ve been away for the past few weeks working on a secret deal. I can’t tell you the details but I can say that I rode back on Manka Jet 1 (The Joey) with Rupert Murdoch and Sumner Redstone.

If you want to believe that the deal somehow involves them then go ahead and make that assumption. Make an asshole out of yourself.

As we all know, the world is going digital. And as goes the world – so goes Manka Bros. Studios (or is it the reverse?). With the world’s largest library of film and television content, Manka Bros. is in the best position to take advantage of this digital (r)evolution.

Rupert Murdoch and Sumner Redstone’s pathetic attempt to purchase Manka Bros. over the weekend for several billion dollars just proves how bullish we should all be at our company.

Keep up the work (I can’t say “good” work because, frankly, you’ve all sucked at your jobs the past few months. How about a hit movie [WTF is “Flaccid Trip”?] or TV show [“My Wife Left Me For Bucky Dent”?]… for once?!).

More to come in the remaining days before I disappear for the summer.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

February 26, 2010May 6, 2011

Lunch With Sumner Redstone and David Geffen

American Abstract Artists, Ari Emanuel, Art Collector, Art Historian, Ben Silverman, Bob's Big Boy Burbank, Bonzai trees, Buying Art, Carly Simon, CBS, Chairman's Blog, Damien Hirst, David Geffen, DreamWorks, Electus, Fred Willard, Hamburger Hamlet, He's Not Comin' Home, Jackson Pollock, Japanese trees, Jeff Koons, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jill Kennedy, kara swisher, Khan Manka, Les Moonves, Manka Bros., Manka Bros. Records, massive layoffs, Melinda the first lady of magic, nikki finke, Nokia Theater, OnMedea, Paramount, Philippe Dauman, Picasso, Robert Altman, Rupert Murdoch, Seamus, sharon waxman, Sherry Lansing, Starry Night, Sumner Redstone, Taylor Swift, Terry Semel, The black Eyed Peas, thewrap.com, Titanic, Van Gogh, Viacom, Viacom's Holiday party, Vincent & Theo, Yellow Balloon Dog, You're So Vain

Good morning. Yesterday, as I was having my monthly lunch with Sumner Redstone at the Hamburger Hamlet in Hollywood, David Geffen stopped by to say hello and asked if he could join us. We’ve all known each other for years but it was the first time the three of us ever sat down to a meal. Geffen ordered another Turning Leaf Chardonnay and a shot of Gordon’s vodka and had a seat.

We exchanged a few words about the news that he was Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain” inspiration. He said he thought that song was about him. I asked him if he wanted to get back into the music business and, if so, would he be interested in taking over Manka Bros. Records – which really needs a shot in the ass (Seamus is coming in far below expectations).

He declined and said the only thing that interests him now are those little Japanese trees.

Sumner asked Geffen about his art collection and if he’d be willing to sell a few of his more valuable pieces (in reality, Sumner couldn’t afford a wall covering from Pier 1 right now).

As they kept talking, a light bulb went off in my head. I would like to buy some art. I’m sitting on an enormous pile of cash and need to do something with it. Banks and stocks are certainly no place to put money these days. And after the massive layoffs and cutbacks at Manka Bros. last year, it might just be the thing that would cheer me up. I’m sure the remaining employees at the studio would really get a kick out of knowing their boss has just bought some really great art for his house and office. And, from what I understand, there are some real bargains out there because of the recession.

So I started to pick David Geffen’s brain. He said his main focus is post-World War 2 Abstract American Art. Well, that’s the most boring fucking thing I could ever imagine. What I want are Picassos and Van Goghs – art that people have heard of.

He said he had a few original Picasso sketchbooks that he may be willing to part with… for the right price. And he had some personal items of Van Gogh – a couple of shoes and an unused toothbrush.

That kind of shit doesn’t interest me at all. I want that Starry Night painting or the Chick Playing the Lute. He said he didn’t own those.

He mentioned Jackson Pollock and I reminded him of the horrible box office grosses of the movie Pollock. He reminded me of the horrible box office grosses of Vincent & Theo (which I blame more on Robert Altman than anything else).

I could go on about our insane conversation, but I won’t (Geffen went on and on about the brilliance of Damien Hirst and Jeff Koons – I looked them up and they are freaks).

Here’s the deal – I want to buy some art.

Anyone at the studio who knows something about it – let me know. There must be a couple of Art History majors floating around the Script Development Department (God knows we have enough Folklore Mythology majors).

Perhaps I’ll even invite you to lunch in my executive dining room.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

December 2, 2009May 16, 2011

Comcast CEO Brian Roberts Called Me Last Night

Andy Forssell, Angela Bromstad, AOL Time Warner, Ari Emanuel, Arthur Block, Ava Seave, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Daly, Bob Iger, Brian Roberts, Bruce C. Greenwald, Chadwick Ho, Comcast, David Carr, David Cohen, Disney, Dr. Judith Rodin, DreamWorks, Edward Breen, Eric Feng, Fancast, Gerald Hassell, Gerry Levin, Hulu, IAC, J. Michael Cook, Jace Hall, Jason Hall, Jason Kilar, Jean-Marie Messier, Jean-Paul Colaco, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Katzenberg, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Honickman, Jeffrey Immelt, Jill Kennedy, Joe Collins, Johannes Larcher, Jonathan A. Knee, Julian Brodsky, Kenneth Bacon, Khan Manka, Lawrence Salva, Les Moonves, Manka Bros., Michael Angelakis, Michael Eisner, Michael Sovern, NBC Universal, New York Times, News Corp., OnMedea, Paul Telegdy, Peter Chernin, Ralph Roberts, Robert Iger, Rupert Murdoch, S. Decker Anstrom, Sheldon M. Bonovitz, Stephen Burke, Steve Case, Sumner Redstone, Ted Turner, Terry Semel, The Curse of the Mogul, Time Warner, Tom Fuelling, Viacom, World's Largest Media Company

Good morning. I just want to say to all the thousands of Manka Bros. employees who think they’ve got a shitty job… you have no idea how lucky you are. You could work at Comcast.

My old friend Brian Roberts called me in a panic last night.

[A little back story: Brian and I go way back to my days in King Khan (my 1970s rock band). Brian filled in one night on bass and was absolutely horrible. For some reason, he thought he would be able to rock and get chicks without even knowing how to hold the damn instrument. I fired him after one song. Audience member Dexter Clangfree jumped on stage and finished the show (and became our full time bass player). Brian still hung around the band like a groupie and we eventually let him into our inner circle. We called him “Bogart Brian” because once you passed him a joint, you never got it back.]

Anyway… Brian called me last night in an absolute drunken panic about this upcoming disastrous acquisition of NBC Universal. The first words out of his mouth were: “Khan, what the fuck am I doing? This is madness. Why would anyone in their right mind overpay for a failed broadcast network and failed movie studio! Didn’t you read ‘The Curse of the Mogul’?”

I told him he wasn’t in his right mind but added that ‘The Curse of the Mogul’ is complete bullshit and he shouldn’t pay any attention to what the jealous, wannabe mogul hacks who wrote that book had to say.

I continued: “Manka Bros. is the world’s largest media company. There is no disputing that – and there wasn’t one mention of Manka Bros. it that goddamned book! All credibility is lost right there. And these fuckers are going to tell me that being the biggest isn’t a competitive advantage? Put Mike Tyson in a boxing ring with Wally Cox and tell me that size isn’t a competitive advantage!”

There was a pause. I could hear ice clinking through the other end of the phone. I knew Brian was drinking heavily.

I finished my thought: “That said… this Comcast / NBC deal is fucking stupid. You should do what Tiger Woods didn’t do… pull out.”

Brian whimpered like he always does when in a tight corner: “I can’t do that, Khan. There is something… bigger at hand here. I can’t talk. They’re watching my every move. ZUCKER CROWS AT DAWN!… I’m sorry, Khan, I’ve put your life in danger. Pray for me!”

He let out an anguished grunt which was followed by a muffled click… and he was gone.

Zucker Crows At Dawn? Poor Brian. Another successful brainwashing by Jeff Zucker – who continues to amaze me in his ability to fail upward. Somebody should just fire that guy before more people lose their minds.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – To all Comcast shareholders… SELL SELL SELL!

October 22, 2009May 27, 2011

The World’s Largest Media Company

Angela Telegdy, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, CBS, Disney, Gay Moroccan Poetry, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Kara Swisher, Khan Manka, Les Moonves, Manka Bros., media company layoffs, NBC Universal, News Corporation, Nikki Finke, OnMedea, Paul Bricault, Rupert Murdoch, Seamus, Sharon Waxman, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, The Chairman's Blog, thewrap.com, Time Warner, Viacom, World's Largest Media Company

Good morning.

I just received word from our media research department that, based on size, Manka Bros. Studios remains the World’s Largest Media Company for the 23rd straight year even after last quarter’s very disappointing earnings report (and party) in which our Theatrical Group didn’t have one movie that worked; our Television Group hasn’t had one break-out show on MBS; our Music Group only had one release that received any attention (Seamus’ He’s Not Comin’ Home); and our Publishing Group believes Gay Moroccan Poetry is the answer to our problems!

The “world’s largest” status is obviously not a result of our employees’ performance at their jobs – because you don’t become number one by sucking. No… it is only a result of my superb leadership during this extremely difficult time. And I’m tired of carrying you people. It’s time to step it up!