Simon Cowell – OnMedea

I actually watched last night’s “American Idol” Season 11 premiere.

Yes, I’m the one.

Just kidding. There were actually quite a few people who watched last night. But 23% fewer than watched last year.

This show is dead.

It may limp along and have an occasional really good ratings night – but it’s all over. We all know it.

A couple of years ago, I said the show was dead as soon as Simon Cowell announced he was leaving.

I suppose I was wrong only because the show did continue – and actually had some nice moments last year – but creatively it was dead.

Last night, it was painful to watch Randy Jackson try to be the “tough” Simon-type judge. He just doesn’t have the verbal chops to pull it off.

“It was awful.” “That was really bad, dude.” “Just terrible.”

And you could see him trying to be the one with authority because Jennifer Lopez is too nice (but seems to be the only one trying to be constructive) and Steven Tyler too clueless to take on that role (though I actually like Steven Tyler and think he would have been a great addition instead of Kara DioGuardi in the year they thought they needed four judges).

Simon is desperately needed for this show to work. And, what’s really crazy is he DOESN’T work on his own show. I think “The X Factor” is terrible – just awful, dude (to quote Randy).

So Simon leaving “American Idol” basically made two shows suck.

Another problem, last night I realized the talent in this country is all the same (either that or the “AI” producers want the same talent).

We had Tent Girl (Amy Brumfield) – who was basically Crystal Bowersox – (hopefully she can stay out of jail)
We had Phillip Phillips – who is David Cook (among many others)
We had a teenage Michael Jackson (who annoyingly fancies himself a lady’s man)
We had some awkward Lee DeWyzes (more awkward than Lee DeWyze)
We had a few Daughtrys
We had some hot chicks who could barely carry a tune but made it through to Hollywood (because it’s a singing competition – you HAVE to have good looking people on the show)
We had numerous Jennifer Hudsons
We had a lot of country music types (can country music absorb another failed pop star?)

It’s just enough with these singing talent shows. The ratings drop-off year-over-year should be proving that America is getting tired of it and Hollywood is refusing to offer us something new.

But I understand how hard it is for Fox to give it up. It’s produced at a minimum cost (relative) and still gets double the ratings of any new scripted show they launch – so why not keep it going no matter how lame?

But that doesn’t mean I have to like it… or watch it.

Jill Kennedy – OnMedea

First of all, I am not a television critic. I am a critic of the television industry – but not really on the content itself.

That said, last week, while at a Manka Bros. corporate retreat, I actually sat and watched a full episode of “The X Factor” – and it was terrible.

Seriously, this is a really bad, over-produced mess.

A massive train wreck.

I can see now why the ratings have been just “okay” (considering the enormous pre-season expectations).

I thought this was going to be a huge show and even killed “American Idol” last year after it was announced that Simon Cowell was leaving (to ultimately start “The X Factor”).

I will admit now, my killing of “American Idol” was wrong. That show is alive and surprisingly well after more than a decade.

That’s more than I can say for “The X Factor”.

From what I saw (to be fair – on my one viewing), this show is complete disaster and won’t be alive two years from now (much less a decade). I know it was renewed for next year but I have a feeling that was part of the original deal (though they made a press announcement like it was a big surprise). Maybe there’s a chance this show could improve and grow into something – but I doubt it. There are too many problems.

The main advice I have for this show: Calm the fuck down.

Here are the key problems as I see it:

1) SIMON COWELL. The man who single-handedly turned “American Idol” into a must see phenomenon, is the biggest hindrance of his own show.

Why?

Because he has to DO stuff on this one. Not just sit in the chair, look disinterested, and throw out barbs that make America scream at the television. That was the biggest strength of “American Idol” – his laziness.

Now, he’s pitching products, reading off cue cards – it’s a disaster. He is so far out of his comfort zone that he has destroyed the one thing “The X Factor” has going for it – himself.

He needs to fire himself – simple as that.

2) THE OTHER JUDGES. No chemistry and embarrassing to watch – especially when they try to stir up some sort of controversy or generate angry banter.

The carefully choreographed verbal jabs between the judges is as convincing as a 6th Grade production of “Who’s Afraid Of Virginia Woolf?”.

Why is that?

Because we all know Simon hired all the judges (in almost a reality show of its own) and we know that Paula was sort desperate for this gig – so any little “fights” she has with Simon ring false.

On “American Idol” it worked a little better because they were all hired guns that negotiated separate deals. Simon negotiated all of “The X Factor” judges deals. He owns them which is why it doesn’t work.

3) THE TALENT. Is it just me, or does nearly every act in the Final 12 suck?

As I was watching them all perform, there were so many moments that took me out of the music – bad notes, awkward stage presence – so many moments that I yelled at the television: “These people are singing for $5 million bucks?!”

Maybe because there are so many singing competitions on TV these days the talent pool is getting shallow – but, to me, this is a pretty pathetic crop of finalists. Especially the children!

4) THE PRODUCT PLACEMENT. Good God, the product placement is completely out of control. Seriously. The Verizon X Factor App (or whatever)? And Simon introduces the Verizon App while drinking a Pepsi. It’s comical.

They are probably looking for ways to sponsor the sponsorships: “The Verizon App brought to you by Pepsi and Depends disposable adult diapers (so you don’t have to miss one second of “The X Factor” – just go in your pants!).”

5) THE PRODUCTION VALUES. What in the Hell is up with that set design? These crappy singers are singing in a pinball machine from 1986. The lights and the moving panels and the smoke and mirrors and lasers.

What the fuck?

We all know whoever wins is going to be singing at County Fairs with Kellie Pickler this summer. The sets there will be bales of hay and deep-fried bacon machines. Just calm the fuck down.

Plus, there are those power “X Factor” dancers that gyrate around these poor contestants as they try to make it through “Moon River” without their voice cracking.

On “American Idol”, Simon always used to emphasize that it was a “singing competition”.

He could obviously care less about that now.

Other than that, it’s a pretty awesome show. Fox has done it again!

Jill Kennedy – OnMedea