Chaz Smith – Behind the Proscenium

[Editor’s Note: Mr. Mustonenen has taken an unorthodox approach to this week’s review of “Lee Daniels’ The Butler.” We at Behind The Proscenium support his decision completely. If you have any talent and/or interest in film review and criticism, please e-mail us at intern@mankabros.com or let us know why you would be great for the job in the comments below Thank you for your continued support!]

Lee Daniels’ The Butler

With Wit, NOT Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

This is not reviewing a movie.

I did not see the movie and feel that to review what did not walk on my eyes would be like a lie, but with less evil.

More of leading you into a non-existence that would be now existing, but impossible.

Like Silver Lake, but with less neck-beard, skinny jean, fake eyeglass wearing hipster douching bags.

Or just as many. I don’t know. I didn’t see it.

Crazy.

So. I sit in my car, maximum bonging taking up my last minutes before to work I must go.

My lung sacks burned by the sweet, sweet smoke. My mind now has the “artist time” thoughts.

Also the “I’m for the chewing of popcorn” thoughts and “time for a shot of Kossu” thoughts and “that American girl has twin pendulous personalities” thoughts (nerds, I am referring to epic boob-dom – touch one/both sometime, it is awesome).

My ass crack is ready for theater seating.

Then my eyeballs are swung to the marquee. My mind now has not thoughts.

My mind is “WTF?”

Because my mind sees (with the eyeball help) “Lee Daniels’ The Butler.”

I am confusion.

I am to see “The Butler.” Who in Justin Bieber hell is Lee Daniels? And how does his name grow in front of a movie?

Tyler Perry may do this. He is the Queen of Drag and may command it.

I have no remembering of any other asshole with a name before a movie.

Oh. Cheech and Chong. But they share a genius brain and I think I am related.

Mr. Daniels man has an ego inflated like my stomach balloon after six Taco Bell Nacho Cheese Loco Tacos. Only with the taco orgy, I can later lift a butt cheek and deflate myself hideously.

Nothing could deflate Mr. Daniels. Proof?

His last asshole movie name was “Precious (Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire).”

WTF? This man is an asshole. Or as we cry in Finland, “sir, you are an asshole.”

Lee Daniels, sir, you are an asshole.

By the time these thoughts choke for air in my car and mind, thinking and thinking (and hating), I am seeing that movie time for watching is in the past 30 minutes. Do I stay? Do I go?

Then I think, “if this dick-face made “Shark Night in 3D 2” I would not let my eyes watch.”

I speak the truth. What an ass-hat.

So, now, I must talk on the good. And the good was even gooder. Not cinema. No.

“Breaking Bad, Season 5B, Episode One.”

I will never be Mr. Meth-Head tweeker, spitting teeth into the breakfast and hair balls like the cat. Bad news. But why couldn’t Walter White (Bryan Cranston) had the botany hard on?

Good thing that is a no – because his ganj would be in my bowl, and I would be forever in the parking lot, pupils pointed at the marquee, thinking “Who the hell does this jerking off Lee Daniels think he is?”

There would still be much waiting for an answer… but MUCH less of the caring.

For concluding: Lee Daniels, my whirling butt-cherry is for the kissing. Now.

Next week – “The World’s End.” Nerds, start your engine motors!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

The Green Lantern

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Ryan Reynolds is the man. But no longer today.

This Northman famous film star – once with Scarlett Johansson (followed drunkenly by leathery Sean Penn, yowza!) – is now expected to hold a straight face above with propping a spirit-sucking expensive superhero film.

The great collapse of Green Lantern will cause most to jump on Reynolds to be blamed… but the wrong-headed doing has its origin in a lamest of the television set-trained scriptwriters and mega stone cold producer honchos.

Yes, that is what I said.

A consequence is that the new Warner Brothers flick with the load of explaining (who the Green Lantern is, for instance) is out there for all to see at megaplexes until the next super hero comes to call and kicks Green Lantern to piracy bin.

What?

In one overcalculated effort to cover all surfaces into a whole film tonally – which doesn’t work and is all over the place. Confusion is not for summer cinema!

Greatly and with greatly bombast, he seizes points of Star Wars, Top Gun and from the Superman, in a kind of superhero stew (only less meat – we need meat!).

Four authors convert the film script (each working from separate story) which spreads nerd-speak like written for baby, followed from the cosmic heavenly drilling carriage credited (you know, not understandable).

Hal Jordan (Ryan Reynolds) is a ass-kicker pilot, who sets egos over brothers.

One day, after an expensive combat aircraft during a war game is inadvertently destroyed, this creates an improbable discovery for Hal: a dying magenta-red foreigner (Temeura Morrison) gives Hal a green lantern fulfilled with cosmic energies and his connected ring.

He puts on the ring and promising allegiance to the lantern, Hal transports to another world (not ours!), in which he experiences stuff that makes him now a member of the Green Lantern Corps: a volume of green intergalactic warriors, who use the energy of the power to fight against the forces of the evil and of fear.

Additionally, to receiving a fast course up to learning, and dress down receiving from Sinestro (Mark Strong), experiences the leader of the Green Lanterns, Hal is educated that an old enemy was freed – the Parallax – from his prison and by the galaxy and goes wild (naturally) to earth with all get out.

Carrying a unruffled new costume, Hal drives back to his main planet, around the Parallax’s minion to confront Dr. Hector Hammond (Peter Sarsgaard).

He must also examine his own worth to ex-girlfriend, Carol Ferris (Blake Lively – who isn’t Ginnifer Goodwin – summer movies are suckage) and defeat that ne’er-do-well.

Warner Brothers would like that we enjoy all the big tent pole things with our wallets – Green Lantern for sure.

Sadly, but this is more like which one expects from a independent superhero film (of which is nothing, right?). Non-geeks will not enjoy the production because of non-exciting production. It’s passable, but not much more than an two-hour digression.

Green Lantern is generic – it has an imitative approach that arranges this motion picture film to fall into whichever hell circle Dante envisioned for.

No fear to say it here!

As a man, I only can dream the upcoming Captain Stoppo movie from MC Comics is less a waste of my and yours time.

Kimmo Mustonenen (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

Tag: Chaz Smith

Lee Daniels’ The Butler

Green Lantern [REVIEW]