Dylan Hopkins – Behind the Proscenium

November 16, 2012November 16, 2012

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind the Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo on Kino, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2, Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Bill Condon, Stephenie Meyer, Melissa Rosenberg, Taylor Lautner, Gil Birmingham, Billy Burke, Sarah Clarke, Ty Olsson, Kristen Stewart, Ashley Greene, Jackson Rathbone, Peter Facinelli, Elizabeth Reaser, Kellan Lutz, Nikki Reed, Robert Pattinson, Christian Sloan, James Pizzinato, Ian Harmon, Gabriel Carter, Anna Kendrick, Christian Serratos, Justin Chron, Michael Welch, Michael Sheen, Christopher Heyerdahl, Jamie Campbell Bower, Christian Camargo, Mia Maestro, Maggie Grace, MyAnna Buring, Casey LaBow, Angelo Renai, Booboo Stewart, Alex Rice, Paul Becker, Stephanie Moseley, Kiowa Gordon, Tyson Houseman, Chaske Spencer, Bronson Pelletier, Alex Meraz, Julia Jones, Tinsel Korey, Tanaya Beatty, Sienna Joseph, Carolina Virguez, Sebastiao Lemos, Kimani Ray Smith, Tora Hylands, Mackenzie Foy, Ali Faulkner, Charlie Bewley, Daniel Cudmore, Bill Bannerman, Wyck Godfrey, Mark Morgan, Irina Neyes, Karen Rosenfelt, Isabelle Tanugi, Carter Burwell, Guillermo Navarro, Virginia Katz, Debra Zane, Richard Sherman, Michael Wilkinson, Patricia McAlhany Glasser, Valeria Costa Amorim, Shawn Boyachek, Mary Guilfoyle, Barbara Kelly, Andrew G. La Marca, Colleen Mitchell, David Price, Angela Quiles, Andrea Wertheim, Bryan Yaconelli, Karin Behrenz, Josy Capkun, E.J. Foerster, Dylan Hopkins, Justin Muller, Jay Amor, Stanton Barrett, Krista Bell, Brett Chan, Paul Darnell, Holland Diaz, Christopher Gordon, Adam Hart, Kiralee Hayashi, Atlin Mitchell, Matthew Rugetti, Karin Silvestri, Patty Majorczak-Connolly, Mark Sussman, Joey Amron, Jason Dale, Shae Salmon, Diana Ascher, Paul Becker, Mauro Blanco, Daniel Booko, Barbara Branch, Erik Feig, Lea Enslin, Laura Fuller, Danielle Halagarda, Joe M. Hagg, Louise Hradsky, Anne Jacobsen, Katia Kieling, Brynn Kinnee, Julie Lopinto, Caroline MacVicar, Jill McQueen, Benjamin Jeran McGinn, Emily Morrow, Danielle Poret, Ashlynn Ross, Davida Smith, A. J. Timmcke, Chanda Venable, Alex John Wiseman

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Son of a bitch.

Damn you, Mayans.

I, and the Earth, have lived to see what we wish the seeing of would not have happened.

Why not the end?

Sometimes the end is better than the being. But no.

My eyeballs have made my brain see “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2“. Electric Boogaloo.

That would have been the cool.

Odin. I have always been in service.

Oh, God of Cargo, I follow.

Since you were on the tree Yggdrasil attached to find the truth, to now.

But the pain.

Oh, Odin, the pain.

My eyes have been rubbed in shit. And that shit is “ The Twilight Saga: Breaking blah blah blah blah blah blah“.

Story? Really?

If this is for your interest for the reading there are many things:

1) I love this shit. Like the film Kimmo, like me, or you will the for the stalking like my 75 cats do to the poor back yard birds (this is for middle-age Twi-Fraus).

2) I love this shit. Like the film Kimmo, like me, because this was the first time that my parts that make of me a girl gave me a squirm – whatever team. Best movie since “Citizen Kane” or “The Notebook” (teenage Twi-tards – sorry for making the Citizen Kane reference – your tiny brains explode like insignificant lady fingers).

3) I love this shit. Like the film Kimmo. If I disagree my girlfriend handjobs may cease immediately (the horror – poor boyfriends of crazy chicks liking this thing movie crap).

4) This is stupid. Damn bad CGI movie mess that makes the smart dumb, and the rest shake the head and reach for the Kossu (normal people).

Here is some plot.

After the birth of her daughter, Renesmee, Bella slowly adapts to his new life with the help of vampire Edward.

Feeling threatened by the birth of a new genre, the Volturi declare war on the family Cullen.

To prepare their defense, Cullen will travel the world to bring together families and allied vampires try to push the Volturi in a final confrontation.

Wow! Wait, what?

Have there been worse films to let in my mind?

Of course, the first 500 movies of this franchise of suck.

“Freddie Got Fingered.”

Maybe that is the total. My brain reels. I wish for the end.

Odin, I hate for the being of the negative. But I knew.

The sweet smoke didn’t make things better.

The Kossu only brought sadness.

So, now, here we are. What more to say?

Two thumbs waiting for the end. For Ragnarok, if the Mayans cannot get their poop in order. Drooping down, waiting for the end.

At least this stream of shit is at an end (thoughts after visiting Acapulco – four days of hell – though Twilight was longer and hurt more).

You will see it if you want. If not, then not to see. Your minds are already in place for a decision. I cannot change that.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Fringe” makes no sense. Yet I do not care in my mind. The Observers are well dressed. The future should be so cool.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 [REVIEW]

June 29, 2012

Ted [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Kimmo Mustonenen, Behind the Proscenium, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Ted, Seth MacFarlane, Alec Sulkin, Wellesley Wild, Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, Joel McHale, Giovanni Ribisi, Patrick Warburton, Matt Walsh, Jessica Barth, Aedin Mincks, Bill Smitrovich, Patrick Stewart, Norah Jones, Sam J. Jones, Tom Skerritt, Bretton Manley, Ralph Garman, Alex Borstein, John Viener, Laura Vandervport, Robert Wu, Ginger Gonzaga, Jessica Stroup, Melissa Ordway, Max Harris, Zane Cowans, T.J. Hourigan, Owen Clarke, Kristina Ellery, Katelyn Lorren, Chanty Sok, Sarah Fischer, Cassie Dierf, Joe Sirani, Pat Shea, Paul Campbell, Josh Duvendeck, Chris Cox, Henry Penzi, Talia Cabrera, Colton Shires, Viera Andrea Moya, Haejee Kim, Lydia Hannibal, Shawn Thornton, Eric Weinstein, Danny Smith, Mike Nikitas, Robin Hamilton, Mike Henry, Johnny Lee Davenport, Christina Everett, Kilo Alexander, Emmalyn Anderson, Alecia Batson, Ellen Becker-Gray, Marshall Berenson, Ronald Boone, Paul Bronk, Jeff T. Buco, Ryan Butcher, Jeffrey Corazzini, Richard DeAgazio, Aaron Dorsey, Alexandra East, Jquelyn Fabian, Shawn Fogarty, Evan Fonseca, John Franchi, Sophia Gilberto, Enku Gubaie, Rosemary Howard, Frankie Imbergamo, Mike Jablon, Olivia Jordan, Kahdiak, J. Parker Kent, Seamus Knight, Ren Knopf, Mark Kubr, Kathy Lashay Berenson, James L. Leite, Daniel Lowney, Phyllis Lynn, Tom Mariano, Rob Marin, Jeff Martineau, Sara Murphy, Ken Murray, Allan Oliveira, Ted Oyama, Richard Pacheco, Chris Palermo, Joseph Paolo, Laura Pizzuti, David Pulson, Stacey Queripel, Donna Glee Reim, Kayla Ruhl, Megan Sacco, Nicole Signore, Matthew Spinale, Sean Daniel Stentiford, Stream, Shannon Elaine Sweeney, John Talalas, Ally Tully, Jamie Christopher White, Luke Young, Jason Clark, John Jacobs, Mark Kamine, Joseph J. Micucci, Scott Stuber, Wellesley Wild, Walter Murphy, Michael Barrett, Jeff Freeman, Sheila Jaffe, Stephen J. Lineweaver, Kyra Friedman, Carla Antonino, Liz Berstrom, Carol Dantuono, Mark Kamine, Holly Rymon, Eric Heffron, Dylan Hopkins, Elizabeth MacSwan, Mike McGuirk, Richard Oswald, Brad Robinson, Scott Rogers, Christopher Sadler, Alison Troy, Jason Allard, Beth Anderson, Bobby Anderson, Shadya H. Balluq, Alix Belleville, Justin Bliss, Doug Cluff, Bryan Felty, Tom Williams, Mark Norby, Dana Reed, Kirk Bloom, Mark Vargo, David Adkins, Alyssa Barnes, John Burke, Amiee Clark, Ryan Cook, Jeff Crandell, Kelly Cronin, Sean Patrick Doherty, Kathryn Farino, Ethan Fox, Donna Glasser-Hancock, Timothy J. Gorman, Anna Gossman, Tim Haber, Chase Hall, Michael Harker, Jacob Head, Matthew Herman, Henry Humphreys, Elliot Kahan, Shea Kammer, Kate Kelly, Brady Kephart, Katie Kramer, Ashley Kravitz, Tim LaDue, Scott Levine, Jeff Maclean, Ruben Malaret, Jeffery Mannarini, Matthew Mayer, Joseph J. Micucci, Bryson Mooso, Cameron Morton, Julia Nemerow, Nick Noyes, Michael Oxton, Maria Palazon, Kevin Pasdon, Michael Peavey, Sean Perry, Michelle Poole, Brendan Potter, Jaydi Samuels, Cory Scott, Claire Severance, Shannon Shea, Missy Simms, James Slater, Cyndal Todd, Neil Tuli, Stephen Turro, Michael Twombly, Lorenzo Vigil, Alex Wayne, Peter Wentzel, Kit Wiltanen, Steve York, Dawn Bardan, Ryan Spenser

Ted

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

This week is a suck week.

There is the movie that I wanted to write all over, and the other I see in my smoke heightened brain daily.

Why should I see something that I all the time see?

Things make talking on me all the time.

That is life.

I wanted the writing for “Magic Mike.”

Stripper movie!

Maybe a “Showgirls 2” thing. Hot, slutty, and dumb chicks – the best.

With boobs. Better.

But no. There are no tears cried, just the disappointment lump in my stomach place.

So.

“Ted.”

Talking bears are all the time in Finland.

For two days, after a rage week of drinking, everything talks, talks too much.

Trees.

Fish.

Bears.

In America, they are called hallucinations.

In Finland, a hangover.

“Ted” is about a kid who am had a 35-year hangover?

O.K.,Hollywood – I’m ready.

Plot? Crazy, crazy plot!

Young John has and only friend – a cuddly teddy bear, a Christmas present – through an accidental magic, the bear arises to life, talk, and have feelings such as its new owner.

Since he’s a kid and not on the sweet, sweet smoke, shock happens – then goes away.

Ted of a media sensation will appear even with Johnny Carson as guest on the Tonight Show – Ed McMahon (probably drunk on the whiskey) thought Ted was ALF.

Funny! 80’s joke, for the win!

As the years go on, John (Mark Wahlberg, almost as funny as in “The Happening”) and Ted (Seth MacFarlane – as Peter Griffin as a Teddy Bear, with better taste in the woman-whores) to remain roommates, that’s it.

However, the troubles arise when Ted is in the way of the present, with John of the romance with his girlfriend Lori (Mila Kunis – she made a stiffening in my area) interfere on the search for something more serious and bear-free.

As for Ted, he writes letters to the Hasbro over his tiny little pecker thingy.

I have just accepted mine.

Although Extenze may be in the future used. Kimmo’s women must be happy! They are always happy.

Really.

Much man on bear comedy follows.

Funny.

Vulgar.

Funny again.

More of the vulgar.

The just the damn funny.

So, two thumbs as straight in the air as my man-ness when Mila Kunis appears on the film.

That’s pretty damn straight!

See this movie.

Although my “Magic Mike” disappointment still leaves a discomfort, I am happy.

Now for kossu shots and weed. “Ted” was a success!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. I have just learned that “Magic Mike” was about the man strippers. Avoided! WTF!?! Maybe the lucky Kimmo is returning…

P.P.S. “The Glee Project.” Charlie kid is defining assholishness. First, he blabs about himself like he is another of him (Editors note: We believe he means Charlie was talking about himself in the third person). Only one word for Charlie, in any language blabbed: douche-bag. Nina was cute. Blind guy and fat chick were not so much for irritation. But Charlie must be slapped. In the face. Hard.

November 16, 2011November 16, 2012

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 [REVIEW]

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

First – the coming of the clean.

Yes. I’m jealous.

Robert Pattinson has the hair of a god.

A messy hipster god, but god hair is god hair.

I want some.

Now for the real meat – once again, a crap-fest!

The film reviewer life can make one wish (and hope) the Mayans are right, the world ends in 2012, and thus my sitting through another Twilight is decreased to zero.

I pray for this to be so.

Review time.

Bella (Kristen Stewart) has made her choice: She is about to marry Edward (see “hair god” above). But the young man, he will honor his market share? He will accept to transform into a vampire, and see to give up his life?

None of this makes sense.

Like the last novel of the franchise of “Harry Potter”, this is halved for film. Twilight, the final episode, will split into two films. A necessity or a narrative stunt to garner twice the receipts?

Unfortunately, this second option is to be considered opportunistic.

Bad studio, ripping off the Twi-tards.

The conclusion is given the languid pace of the film.

If, initially, it is hasty (precipitated the wedding of Bella and Edward, and their honeymoon), the action then is dangerously fallen to the level zero. After blackness and dark twists the previous section, by far the best of the saga (“wow, that turd looks better than the other turd!”), now is the dominant impression of disappointment from the very beginning.

The narrative seems ever more stretched, not to tell again.

Early in the film, the “hesitation” Bella, already in the middle of the last film, persist.

Again and again.

And again.

Then, one more time.

The character played by Kristen Stewart wonders if she should marry, and then come some discussions with her suitor that I’m sure I heard in another episode. Then, once on the island of temptation, where the lovebirds spend their honeymoon (off of Rio, but there are no 3D animated toucans – bummer!), it was now the turn of Edward the vampire of be in dilemma.

Should he or not sleep with his wife at the risk of turning her into a monstrosity of nature bloodthirsty or kill on contact with his neck, his body, all members of a young fresh woman?

And the guy is still more than 100 years, so freshness level, there have been better!

In this chapter of inaction which is meant to be that of excitement, suspense is emerging little by little to explode in the second half of the film (finally, after one suck-tastic hour).

Bella was nubile and fertile, and therefore, following the single exchange of body fluids in the film (the temptation was right to Edward – he totally slammed Bella – awesome!), here it is a big creature unusual offspring of unprecedented , half-human, half vampire.

What to do?

Would it be first ever abortion where vampire baby instead eats the doctor’s face?

That would be cool.

We do not reveal the outcome of this confrontation with the unknown that will lead the “beautiful” Jacob (Taylor Lautner – trade some of that work-out time to get acting lessons, please) to big arms muscled man to betray his wolf pack to help his beloved, the one that has yet to abandon the damn cold meat of Edward Cullen.

No, I will tell you nothing, because if you are still reading this (at least this far), you will see this pile of shit anyway.

To conclude:

The Twi-tards will fork their money to Summit Entertainment and moisten and stick to the theater seats when Edward sparkles.

The world will continue to turn.

Some idiot will comment that Pattinson is a good actor.

Babies will die.

And later I’ll have to review a hunk of shit called “The Twilight Saga – Breaking Dawn, Part 2”.

The suck of all sucks.

Unless the Mayans are right. My fingers are crossed.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Ginner Goodwin – I am sorry. “Once Upon A Time” is no longer in my life. Please find a project that is less annoying so that I may lust to you properly.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 [REVIEW]