Simon Kinberg – Behind the Proscenium

March 13, 2015March 13, 2015

Cinderella [REVIEW]

Cinderella

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I have for a while, been away.

Not for purpose, but because damn dumb bad.

I had measles.

Not any measles.

Disneyland Measles.

Some disease child left his funk on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride and then I was with the infection. Or maybe it was stupid Tea Cups (they are good for nothing).

Damn. I was with icky red spots covered – as if a jar of jam had exploded and vaporized over my body – but not delicious.

All that was delicious was the Kossu I drank by the liter, putting out my jam inspired skin fire.

For weeks I got to think, “why were my parents in my baby pooping times dirty hippies living in North Finland commune?”

As is known to all not dirty hippies, they don’t put dead or weak viruses in their children. They are too high to worry about science. Or bathing. Or shaving arm pits.

But mainly science.

When my parents became clean and with jobs again and now being good society people (but still high) they forgot that I never had the only needle that I wanted for germ killing.

So, at the Happiest Place on Earth (no way really, best happy place is Six Flags “Now We Puke With Our New Hispanic Friends” Magic Mountain – just not on “Gang Night” – too many casualties) I get crappy Disneyland Measles.

And neither Kossu or the sweet, sweet smoke could made it OK.

But something just did make things OK.

Or someone.

And that someone was hot piece of 99% woman – she gave me the tingles. In my man place. And in my man mind.

She is Cinderella (Lily James).

Plot? Hells yeah, and more.

Lust and politics.

CGI mice.

Did I mention Lily James?

Poor Cinderella. She lives in Make Believe with Cool Dad (British Guy) and Hot Mom (British Chick).

In Make Believe, the 99% live in McMansions and have servants. But they want to be the 2%, like Prince Kit (Rob Stark).

Prince Kit’s Dad (Derek Jacobi) wants Kit to marry into the 1%.

When Cool Dad and Hot Mom die, Cinderella is forced to live with Stepmother (MILF Cate Blanchett) and Step Sisters (bitch face women from “Fashion Police”, I think).

Her new family is the suck.

Cinderella is so effed up she is talking to mice, a stag, some lizards, a bird, and (gasp) even the help.

One day, while out on a horse (that she is not talking to), she runs into Mr. Stag. He’s all like “Rob Stark wants to gut me” and Cinderella is all like “No way, Jose. Light that rocket in your ass and jet on out.”

Mr. Stag is all like “Don’t have to say that twice girlfriend” and bounces.

Rob Stark shows up and is all like “Damn, girl, you are fine! And nice. You are mine.”

Cinderella is all like (in her mind thoughts) “Mmmm, mmm, mmm – we are gonna be getting’ busy… in our married future which may never come.”

What happens next? Smoke the smoke, drink the drink, request Uber, and GO TO THE MULTIPLEX.

PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE: Always smoke, always drink, and always Uber. Kimmo approves of this message.

There are disappointments in Cinderella.

Rob Stark wears tight pants but they strap down his “Hamm-aconda” (Jon Hamm’s conjoined twin – groin beast – in “Mad Men” – it is legendary).

Now, it could be that Rob Stark isn’t packing… but we all know that is a damned liar lie. It would have been nice for the ladies.

So, I have two thumbs (and other things, I am winking at you with innuendo) straining to the CGI sky.

Cinderella is good.

No shit.

You may even have eye water leaks (damn romance stuff – maybe there was dust in the air).

See it, if you have a heart.

Kimmo Mustonenen – Kimmo On Kimmo – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “The 100!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Damn, Clarke. You are one stone cold-assed assassin. Now learn to forgive and go make out with Lexa. It is your destiny. And it will be appointment TV. At least in the house of Kimmo.

P.P.S. Pete Carroll, you are owning me $500. Passing on the 1? With two time outs and Marshawn Lynch? Huh. Really. There is in Seattle Aquarium a hermit crab named Marshawn Pinch. This is the truth. Marshawn Pinch would have from the 1 scored. Damn.

May 23, 2014June 6, 2014

X-Men: Days of Future Past [REVIEW]

X-Men: Days of Future Past

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Damn.

Sometimes, a guy, with a drunk mind wants to see a movie.

This is all right.

Why not?

Then comes a movie with before a course in the college of your choice you must have been all night using Adderall because this movie is the final of the second semester.

Damn.

Here we go.

——————————————–

Did you see X-Men (2000)?

Magneto (Ian McKellen) was boss. His strong was not so strong. He messed up Mrs. Liberty, but with effort that makes one short.

There is no worrying, because Jean Grey (Famke Janssen) is hot.

——————————————-

X2: X-Men United (2003). Now Magneto can lift tons of shit, with mind thoughts.

He must be having brain push-ups, for his brain moving can now win in the MMA.

This is okey dokey, because of Jean Grey.

She is hot.

————————————————–

X-Men: The Last Stand (2006). Magneto lifts really big stuff, from far, far away (bridges, submarines).

He is somehow badder, bigger, yet with mad wrinkle-age.

I’m all “eh”, because Phoenix (Famke Janssen) is still for hot.

Except for the dying.

——————————————–

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009).

Really?

—————————————

X-Men: First Class (2011). Back in time, Magneto (Michael Fassbender – not naked) has more powers than old-time Magneto in the future.

There is no sense in this to be made. Mystique (Rebecca Romijn) is now Raven (Jennifer Lawrence).

This a trade up.

My man parts approve. Boing!!!

————————————

The Wolverine (2013).

Stinky poop, with everything Japanese except no Godzilla.

Avoid, unless you cannot.

Then see it while retching.

—————————————————

X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014).

Finally!

We are at the time of the movie for me and the reviewing!

But, sadness, I am almost out of words.

Plot? Shit-tons of plot.

I will sum up in as less words than I can hope to type.

First is the future.

Asshole robots are killing all for just breathing air.

So bad is it all that mutants go to China for figuring out of the crap.

Here, the writers are all “Hey, Kitty Pryde (Ellen Page), we have no original ideas, so, in bad science fiction writer fashion, back in time you send Wolverine’s (Hugh Jackman) thought-essence to.”

It is like J.J. Abrams took a squat on this film from his butt.

The past has wide collars and wider pants legs. It is disturbing.

Mystique turns in to Foxy Brown – this makes my eyes wide, and brings the bottle to my mouth hole.

There is Vietnam, and Magneto (Fassbender again, and still no dangling parts dangling). He killed Kennedy and is now under the Pentagon being punished, very sad.

Now, things are more crazier.

Many things happen.

My brain goes, “slow down X-Men movie, for I have no clues as to what the hell!”

Then there is a Nixon.

Past Magneto can lift an entire stadium! In 1973 – yet in 2000 he cannot. So more brain “what the hell.”

Then I remember!

Ah, there is no sense in comic book movies.

This is not science fiction.

Comic books!

I now forgive.

If infant Magneto can lift planet Earth, do it son! Nothing must be of sense making.

Whew!

No more pressure to care who is who, and who is doing what with super powers.

So I do not harsh my high and enjoy all that is.

What is the meaning, to you, the viewing person, from me, of the writing?

This – two thumbs up.

A lot happens.

If you did not get an A in X-Men 206 (sophomore level, “who the hell are these characters” course) all is OK.

Drink your drink.

Smoke your smoke.

Stare at Jennifer Lawrence.

Then stare at her some more (I did).

It is worth the $12 ($47 if in 3D).

Take it to the bank.

In the past!

I say this in the present.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. I realize that a Transformer turd movie is sitting on the horizon, looking at my soul. Odin, kill me with fire before I have to look on it to write on it. Please.

Summer is coming…

HEAR/SEE KIMMO’S REVIEW RIGHT HERE!

August 9, 2013

Elysium [REVIEW]

Elysium

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

The days of a dog summer are arrived.

The testicle kick torture that is summer movie season nears its end.

How much more can my two amigos take?

“The Great Gatsby” – pow, right in the pills.

“Fast and the Furious 6” – a hard punch to the giggleberries.

“White House Downer” – bitch slap to my plucked turkeys.

My junk can take no more. My area is a mess.

There is hope… It is called “Elysium.”

Neill Blomkamp made my head kaboom with “District 9.” The story of giant shrimp oppressed and the man (Sharlto Copley) who through a shrimp STD becomes another shrimp. He has their pain. He isn’t a shrimp Nelson Mandela – but that may never be, sadly. “District 9” had effects, good. Plot, surprise! Acting, cool.

What did my brain want with “Elysium”?

Good effects, surprise plot, cool acting. One out of three ain’t good (sorry Meatloaf).

Plot? Yes.

Used many times in the past times – used again.

In the further future, after “Blade Runner,” the rain has stopped in Los Angeles. The Japanese people have gone back to their homes and the Hispanics have returned from Japan.

It is daylight. Neon is not longer in fashion. Robots look like robots, not “I wanna make a little replicant with you” replicants like Sean Young (in the last century, she had for the hot – no shit).

Max (Matt Damon) was a child with Frey (Alice Braga). They are cute orphans. We cannot smell their orphan smell, so we still like them.

When older, Max having starred in “Fast and The Furious 73,” now just wants to build robots and be harassed by cop robots who are really cops from today in robot suits.

All are dusty and tattooed. All want to go up to Elysium.

Especially when Max gets a case of special die in exactly five days radiation.

Why Elysium?

Elysium is Las Vegas, but with healing, without cigarette smoke.

Delacourt (Jodie Foster) wants to keep it Las Vegas and is a bitch.

She hates Hispanics, giant shrimp, possibly the Japanese, and Max.

They are not allowed the Las Vegas.

Not even State Line.

There are mind thought transfers. Max becomes low-budget Transformer. Frey is pretty. Charles Manson Kruger (Sharlto Copley again –please speak English when speaking English – I will never know how you said what you said until I get the Blu-ray and use the CC) will soon attend Overactor’s Anonymous.

This night was a Kossu only for Kimmo night.

Big mistake.

I could see the future of the film before that future was the now.

Poor people, sad.

Rich people, mean.

Movie goer, still waiting for giant shrimp.

Would a better place be film “Elysium” with the sweet, sweet smoke? This can never be known.

So, two thumbs needing exo-skeleton to stand tall – waiting for five day radiation death, but only having to survive the hour and forty-nine minute movie film which seemed like five day radiation death.

But no 3D! Praise Odin!!!

Bad? No.

Good? No.

Matt Damon? He did many sit-ups and push-ups for preparing to act. I now feel fat.

So… see “Elysium” and feel fat. High praise!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Fall is coming. Which says Winter is coming. Which says “Game of Thrones” will return. Soon Westeros will be Finland, with more nudity (and dragons – no dragons in Finland). Who is point with thumbs at his face like a spastic and grinning and saying “who cannot wait for nude Finn Westeros Game of Thrones? This guy!”

Boom!

June 2, 2011June 4, 2011

X-Men: First Class [REVIEW]

X-Men: First Class

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I can declare X-Men: First Class the best since the mutant melee X2! Is this saying much? What?

As direct by Matthew Vaughn (Layer Cake and The Stepping Donkey – as well as the stupid Kick Ass), this prequel is chaotic and baggy and too long, but watchable often funny strange, and occasionally a flash of cold steel.

It’s the Swinging 60s’ and telepathic brainbox Charles Xavier (James McAvoy) and his shape-shifting pal Raven (a blue colored sexpot Jennifer Lawrence – seen recently but much less hot in “Winter’s Bone”) are coming to terms with their mutant powers.

Contacted by CIA operatives Moira MacTaggert (Rose Byrne), who is tracking maleable mutant mastermind Sebastian Shaw (Kevin Bacon from “Footloose”), Xavier agrees to share his expertise on Mutation.

Meanwhile, Holocaust survivor Erik Lehnsherr (Michael Fassbender) is using his mutant powers to cut bloody swathes through Europe and South America in the search for Shaw, who transjected him to unspeakable Horrors in a Nazi concentration camp.

As Lehnsherr’s activities put him on Xavier’s radar, the boffin manages to convince the magnetic avenger to join the team of mutants he’s assembling to take Shaw down.

Yes!

Using technology devised by the genius mutant Hank McCoy (Nicolas Hoult), the duo begin to recruit and train a gifted crop of youngsters and as Shaw unleashes a devilish scheme to wipe out mankind, it’s up to these ‘X-Men’ to save the day.

What?

There’s much about First Class that’s X-ceptional (ha ha, I did it!) not least of all the casting of the equally admirable McAvoy and Fassbender as the two men whose warring ideologies give X-Men stories so much more abyss than the average comic book yarn.

As X-Men creator Stan Lee has always maintained, Xavier and Lehnsherr are based on Martin Luther King and Malcolm X, setting the tale at the height of the American civil rights movement is something of a master-stroke.

It also allow the director Vaughn to indulge in some far out 60s’ referencing, from depicting Lehnsherr as a smooth 007-style assassin to setting the action-packed finish against the backdrop of the Cuban Missile Crisis.

Scripted on high by Vaughn’s Kick-Ass collaborator Jane Goldman, it’s ironic that’s the most youth-orientated X-Men adventure is as well the most adult. What?

Along with startlingly effective moments of violence and a slinky sexiness that’s likely to leave comic book nerds needing a lie down, there’s even the dropping of a well-timed F-bomb in a priceless cameo.

X-Men films have always been about the strength of the ensemble cast, and Vaughn has put together a fine group of young actors who work together with an easy charm and restless unease; Hoult and Lawrence’s (wow, that girl!) tentative romance being particularly effective.

Bacon is also in fantastic acting shape as the sneering villain. January Jones, regardless of various scenes with bra and panties pushed up, is fairly forgettable as his sidekick Emma Frost – even with her bustiness on display.

Jason Flemyng’s teleporting terror Azazel is scary enough to ensure the bad guys are satisfyingly formidable.

Capturing the spirit of the previous films without desperately struggling to achieve continuity with the theme, Vaughn portrays these familiar characters with honesty and gives them a strong origin story.

That rings true, nodding to past installments, without being overly reverent.

Unfortunately, it’s some wobbly CGI reminiscent of the disappointing X-Men Origins: Wolverine, and a rushed speed that prevents First Class from being the superhero equivalent of JJ Abrams’s Star Trek reboot fantastic.

With an extra six months in post-production and a less ramshackle edit, this easily must have been the best X-Men movie ever.

It is very close regardless, and its forms of Professor X downing a yard of ale for chatting up the girls down the pub has classic scene for the ages written all over it.

Kimmo Mustonenen – Behind The Proscenium (Kimmo On Kino)