Publishing – Page 4 – Chairman's Blog

July 9, 2012July 18, 2012

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012

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Day 1 – Disappearing Mogul

Day 2 – The Acid Trip

Day 3 – The Future

———————–

Leaving (7/10/12):

OK – I suppose I’m going to this thing.

Herb called me acting like a kid before his 10th birthday party, all worried that no one was going to show up.

So OK, Herb, I’m on my way.

Based on the last couple of years, I can expect some really weird freaky ass shit to go on again this year.

[To read about that really weird freaky ass shit – go here for 2011 and here for 2010.]

To anyone trying to reach me – fuck off.

I’ll be at The Drankin’ Hole with Chase Carey and our best friend for the next several days – bartender Bin Tran (the best Goddamned dirty martini maker in the world).

The only instructions we have been given by Herb this year are to bring comfortable shoes and have an open mind.

This could mean any number of things when it comes to Herb.

The last time he said bring comfortable shoes we had to participate in that pathetic “Mogulympics” competition.

And the last time he said to have an open mind we got “Burning Mogul” – I still have nightmares from that horrible night.

I’ll do my best to report on how things are going here.

Remember, everything you read in this space for the next few days will be written by a very drunk man.

If I’m not back by Friday, send the other jet with my security team and some local police, for I may be locked in Herb’s dungeon underneath the Sun Valley Lodge.

Herb likes to punish those who do not fully participate and, this year, I do not plan on fully participating.

God speed and get back to work!

Manka Bros. is having another terrible year because YOU are all terrible.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

January 17, 2012January 17, 2012

Jerry Yang: Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer You A Job

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Good afternoon.

I was just made aware by one of my assistants that Jerry Yang (founder and Chief Yahoo! of Yahoo! – whatever the fuck that means) is leaving the company.

I guess the Board of Directors and the Shareholders finally got their way and successfully shoved him out.

As someone who is constantly being told to leave my own company due to poor performance, I can empathize with Jerry.

My only question is, why didn’t they shove him out after he stupidly refused Microsoft’s $32/share offer to buy Yahoo!?

But no matter – I’m not here to shit on his grave and piss on his legacy. I’m here to offer him a job.

Manka Bros. is the world’s largest media company and can offer a decent salary, dental, medical, life and dismemberment insurance package (God forbid you get dismembered sitting at a desk) that rivals all the other studios in Hollywood (except maybe Disney – you get free Disneyland admission when you work there – that’s a $10,000 value… per trip).

So – Jerry – I know you’re reeling right now and probably worried about where your next paycheck is coming from. But worry no more – your next paycheck is coming from Manka Bros.

You can basically pick which area you would like to work in (except in our online group – your track record is pretty spotty there).

I would be happy to replace any of the suck ass senior executives that are currently running the various divisions. They’re all terrible at their jobs (off the record – no, fuck it – ON the record).

Give me a call at my office at your earliest convenience so we can discuss a start date.

FYI, I will be leaving for the Davos World Economic Forum in a couple of days where I will be giving yet another keynote address – so get back to me before then.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO (& Chief Yahoo!) – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

October 12, 2011October 12, 2011

Gay Moroccan Poetry Is Not Going To Save Our Publishing Business

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Last night, I had dinner with Cyrus Weinstein – President of the Manka Bros. Publishing Group.

He informed me that his group is in ‘super-duper danger’ (as opposed to the ‘super danger’ he told me about last year) with books and magazine sales way down year-over-year (a ‘reverse hockey stick’, I believe he said).

“If you aren’t on a plane, train or toilet, you aren’t reading a book, ” he said. “And it’s not just because of the recession – the full scale shift in how people consume media is nearly complete. And because of lower pricing and customer confusion, things really suck right now.”

Apparently, the increase in digital downloads and advertising from online publishing sites (including our own Mankazines and Manka Books websites) are not making up the difference. The only apparent bright spot was our MC Comics division which we continue to mine for feature film franchises (most of which fail at the box office… but I digress).

As we proceeded to eat our $200 steaks at Cut in Beverly Hills (which I certainly hope Cyrus will not attempt to put through on his fucking expense report!), I asked him what he thought, if anything, could turn things around.

He told me one word… “niche.”

He has developed a ‘long tail’ niche publishing strategy that will focus completely on his target audience – PEOPLE WHO BUY BOOKS (i.e., old people, gay people, lonely widows, etc.).

He punctuated his thought by telling me that Manka Iambic (our Poetry Publishing imprint – who knew?) had just signed gay Moroccan poet Ahmet Ghary Cool to a two book deal worth over $1 million dollars.

His first book for us will be called Awake In My Dreams and will come in a month or so.

“How many poetry books by this guy do you expect to sell?”, I asked.

As Cyrus drank from his glass of 1982 Mouton-Rothchild, he said… “Two to three thousand in the first year and then a few hundred every year after that – mostly to gay Moroccan college students. It’s not about sales. It’s about prestige.”

After a long pause and a couple of shots of Slivovitz, I asked him what else was on the drawing board.

“We have a terrific new cook book coming out called Great Recipes By Unknown Chefs and a user-generated travel book called Best Of The Internet Travel Blogs.”

For some reason, I thought I was on some sort of Gotcha/Punk’d television show where the host would come out and Cyrus would say it was all a joke.

But it wasn’t a joke.

This is the future of our Publishing Group and it seriously scares the shit out of me.

Cyrus Weinstein has been a trailblazing executive in the publishing world for over 40 years but I think his dinosaur bones are starting to show and it may be time to bury him so that future generations can dig him up and say “Oh, so this is what a publishing executive looked like.”

But… he has earned my respect over the years and he deserves the shot to make his new strategy work.

God help us all.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 22, 2011July 5, 2022

Leaving For My House In The Seychelles

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Good morning.

This afternoon, I will be leaving for my house in the Seychelles and probably won’t return until after Labor Day.

(Quick reminder: Labor Day is not a Holiday at Manka Bros. – this was my father’s thing for some reason and I will uphold the tradition.)

Manka Bros. is having a terrible year and, like my friend Rupert Murdoch, I put the blame squarely on you, the mid-to-lower level employees.

I’m not sure what else you people expect Senior Management to do. We’ve done all we can. It’s now up to you to pull us out of the shitter!

It’s very simple. Make movies that will be successful and TV shows that people want to watch. That’s it. We’re not asking you to create a new life-form.

I would also like someone to solve the digital transition issue by the time I get back.

Lloyd Grohl will have complete control over the studio while I am gone. If anyone needs to reach me – you can’t. I’ll be in touch with you (but probably not).

The plane will be picking up Leann Womack (I know, it’s back on – don’t ask) in Nashville. After that, my phone will be turned off for six weeks. I may blog, I may not.

Also, as some of you may know, Manka Bros. did not have a presence at Comic-Con this year. I gave a keynote address there last year and realized it’s just a little too ridiculous for someone of my stature.

Along those lines, I have decided NOT to move forward with a Captain Stoppo movie. It appears that comic book movies are dead. FYI, this may affect headcount at MC Comics.

I’ll see you in September. Pray that I have good weather and the sand isn’t too hard on my feet.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 2, 2011July 3, 2019

Manka Bros. Acquires ‘Red Dot’ From Kodansha

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A. 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This morning, we made a very exciting announcement (Press Release) that will be a huge boost to our Manka Kids and MC Comics divisions.

We purchased ‘Red Dot’ – the wildly popular Manga character (now a “Manka” character – ha ha) from Kodansha, Ltd. – for $300 million.

I realize that is a shit load of money for a little red dot that doesn’t really do anything – but I have been assured that this is a very popular character with the kids (especially boys 9-14). So the acquisition price will seem like peanuts in the long run.

Many of you are probably wondering how this acquisition came about so quickly.

For one thing, I am very good friends with Kodansha President Sawako Noma. She would probably hate that I’m telling you all this, but we used to date in the early 1980s.

At the time, Japanese companies were buying up a lot of American companies (thank you Ronald Reagan) and she came over to the studio to ‘kick the tires’, if you will. I won’t go into details but to say that she ‘kicked the tires’ for two straight hot weeks (including an unforgettable weekend in Vegas). But then she was recalled to Japan by her family and that was that. They didn’t buy the studio. My heart was broken.

Life hasn’t been the same since.

So welcome Red Dot to the Manka Bros. Family of Characters!

I really don’t get why it’s popular. It’s just a stupid red dot that anyone can draw – but I’m not a 9 year old boy.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

December 7, 2010May 12, 2011

World’s Largest Media Companies – 2010

Abby Barba, Ada Guerin, Alex Ben Block, Andrew Wallenstein, Andy Forssell, Angela Bromstad, AOL Time Warner, Ari Emanuel, Arthur Block, Ava Seave, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Daly, Bob Iger, Borys Kit, Brian Roberts, Bruce C. Greenwald, Carl DiOrio, Chadwick Ho, Charley Daniels, Comcast, David Carr, David Cohen, David Morgan, Deborah Young, Disney, Dr. Judith Rodin, DreamWorks, Edward Breen, Elizabeth Guider, Emily Johnson, Eric Feng, Eric Mika, Erik Pedersen, Etan Vlessing, Fabio Periera, Fancast, Georg Szalai, Gerald Hassell, Gerry Levin, Gregg Kilday, Hulu, IAC, J. Michael Cook, Jace Hall, Jackie Vuong, James Hibberd, Jason Hall, Jason Kilar, Jay A. Fernandez, Jean-Marie Messier, Jean-Paul Colaco, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Katzenberg, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Honickman, Jeffrey Immelt, Jenna Bordelon, Jill Kennedy, Joe Collins, Johannes Larcher, Jonathan A. Knee, Julian Brodsky, Karen Nicoletti, Kenneth Bacon, Kevin Cassidy, Khan Manka, Kimberly Nordyke, Kirk Honeycutt, Lawrence Salva, Les Moonves, Lesley Goldberg, Manka Bros., Matthew Belloni, Michael Angelakis, Michael Eisner, Michael Sovern, Mike Barnes, Mimi Turner, NBC Universal, Nellie Andreeva, New York Times, News Corp., Noela Hueso, OnMedea, Patrick Frater, Paul Bond, Paul Telegdy, Peter Chernin, Ralf Ludemann, Ralph Roberts, Ray Bennett, Robert Iger, Roger Friedman, Rupert Murdoch, S. Decker Anstrom, Sheldon M. Bonovitz, Stephen Burke, Stephen Galloway, Steve Case, Steven Zeitchik, Stuart Kemp, Sumner Redstone, Ted Turner, Terry Semel, The Curse of the Mogul, The Hollywood Reporter, Time Warner, Todd Cunningham, Tom Fuelling, Viacom, World's Largest Media Company

Good morning.

The brain trust of The Hollywood Reporter has come out with what they say will be the World’s Largest Media Companies after the Comcast NBC Universal deal goes through. BULLSHIT, I SAY!

THR has had it in for me ever since I threatened to buy them and shut them down after a scathing and hurtful review of the Manka Bros. film “Freak Accident” appeared in their ‘paper’ a couple of years ago. So I’m not totally surprised they left Manka Bros. off their chart. But I am, frankly, shocked that they would throw truth out the window so carelessly over a personal vendetta. (Maybe that’s naive of me – especially in this town.)

I suppose this is the price I pay for not buying those bullshit, complete waste of money “For Your Consideration” ads.

Fine, Eric Mika (Publisher – The Hollywood Reporter). You live by your ethical standards and I’ll live by mine.

The chart shown on this page (and here), which my senior executive team at Manka Bros. put together over the weekend, clearly shows the correct ranking of World’s Largest Media Companies.

This chart was additionally reviewed by several leading independent external auditors in New York, Los Angeles, Hong Kong and Instanbul and is the most current and accurate World’s Largest Media Company chart available.

And… as you can see by the size of the dark blue bar in the chart, MANKA BROS. REMAINS THE WORLD’S LARGEST MEDIA COMPANY!

Please reflect this fact in any future reporting you do on this subject. Failure to report the truth may cost you dearly.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 21, 2010September 12, 2013

Khan Manka, Jr. – Comic-Con 2010 Keynote Address

Ann VanderMeer, Ben Fritz, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Bob Schreck, Charlaine Harris, Comic Con 2010, Comic-Con, Comic-Con is Dead, Dan Buckley, David Glanzer, Diane Nelson, Edgar Wright, Gary Berman, Geoff Boucher, Geoff Johns, Heidi McDonald, J. Michael Straczynski, Jack Kirby, Jeannie Schultz, Jeff Zucker, Jerry Beck, Jessica Alba, Jillian Tamaki, Jim Lee, Joe Quesada, Khan Manka, Manka Bros., Mark Evanier, MC Comics, Neal Adams, Paul Levitz, Richard Alf, Rupert Murdoch, Scott Shaw, Shel Dorf, Stan Freberg, Stan Lee, The World's Largest Media Company, Tim Kring, Wrath of Con Award, Wrath of Khan Award, Zach Enterlin, Zak Penn, Zorianna Kit

Before I get started, I just want say that I am not a geek.

I am not a freak.

I am not a dork.

So why am I here today?

I’m here because you geeks, freaks and dorks help keep me in private planes and make my Holmby Hills house very very affordable.

And even though I would rather cut off my own head than to sit and have a private conversation with any of you idiots, I am very happy that you exist and continue to support Manka Bros. and our MC Comics imprint.

But, let me be clear, I do not want to talk about what happened in Show X, Episode Blah Blah of Season Blah. One reason is I probably don’t know the answers. Another reason is that I seriously don’t give a shit.

And if I hear one more question about when we’re going to make a “Captain Stoppo” movie, I will spray you with bug repellent and have your all-inclusive convention passes ripped to shreds.

All that said… let’s get started. Roll the TelePrompTer.

WELCOME TO COMIC-CON 2010! That was quite an opening ceremony. I particularly love the annual Running Of The Freaks! So many costumes. So many potential heart attacks.

And how about that Parade of Batmans? Who knew there were so many Batmans over the years? Well done.

After my speech, I will illuminate the Ceremonial Lightsaber and Comic-Con will officially begin!

I am pleased to be joined on this stage by the Distinguished Legion of Magnificent Elders and the League of UltraTriumverants… (off-script) … whatever the fuck that means.

[Behind Mr. Manka, in folding chairs, are several people dressed as superheroes, sci-fi characters and elves.]

I am told the guy with the Chewbacca head over there has never missed a single day of the convention since Comic-Con started 40 years ago. I would imagine you’ve seen it all, huh, pal?

[Chewbacca nods his head several times.]

They are here to present me with the Wrath Of Con Award – though I’ve been told, in my honor, they have changed it to the Wrath of Khan Award!

[Silence – except for one high pitched laugh from the back of the crowd.]

Who the fuck said that joke would land? It’s pronounced the same fucking way. The joke is that the award is changed to Wrath of K-H-A-N – not C-O-N.

[There are some mild chuckles from the crowd and then a few sneezes and coughs.]

I don’t know if any of you can see the award – but it’s this stupid little Ricardo Montalban doll put on a trophy base. Pretty ridiculous. Maybe my dog would like to play with it.

[Stunned silence then a few ‘gasps’ and one very loud “FUCK YOU!”]

Moving on. Many in the press have said that Comic-Con is dead. That Hollywood has killed the goose that laid the golden egg. That’s ridiculous. First of all, the word “laid” should never be used in a room like this. Am I right? I mean, look at you.

[Several loud ‘boos’ and some wheezing.]

What the fuck, Ethan? Who’s the idiot that said that joke would work? Jesus Christ. I’m flying solo here! Get out of my sight!

[Ethan Rubidoux – President of Manka Bros. Consumer Products, Live Theater, Sports and Digital Distribution – ducks behind a stage pillar.]

OK, OK – calm down, you nudnicks!

Hey, loser with the PrompTer, get back to my speech. It’s rolling all over the fucking place. OK… good…

Seventy-five years ago, my father (the asshole Harry Manka) and uncles (Khan (Sr.) and Simeon) purchased the rights to a little known comic strip for thirty-five cents from a starving child artist on Hollywood Blvd. The kid wanted forty cents but my dad talked him down. That comic strip? “Captain Stoppo”…

[Wild applause and some shouts.]

Who would have thought that dumb little cartoon would become the foundation of MC Comics – the World’s Largest Comic Book company. With iconic characters such as The Planet 4, Dumb Kirk, Sniper Ken, Fig Men, Hydrogen Bob and the Flamer, MC Comics has no real rival. I weep for Marvel and DC Comics and their pathetic little characters.

Believe me, if my life were in danger, I would trust The Liberal Spear to save my neck before suck ass Batman or Spider-man. Am I right?

[Some applause. Some ‘boos’.]

So, I know I was supposed to speak for an hour – but I don’t really have any more prepared remarks.

But before I open it up for questions, I have a question for you: What can YOU do for ME? Well, if I may answer for you, you can watch my networks.

We have a bunch of geeky ass shit on our MBS network this fall. I suppose the new “Forensics” season is worth watching.

We also have a weird, egghead-type sci-fi show “The Real Truth” slated for mid-season. I’m not sure what it will replace since most of our fall shows are horrible and will most likely be canceled.

From our Theatrical Group, The Planet 4 (Earth Shield 4X) is opening October 15. We have a presentation tomorrow at Qualcomm Stadium. The entire cast will be on hand and, I’m told… hang on, I have to read this… they will be arriving from Planet 4 via Flidrox c41?

Does that mean anything to you wastoids?

[Applause and shouts of approval from the crowd.]

Is that some kind of space ship? Goddamn, what do you think that cost?

So that’s it, I suppose.

Thanks for the Wrath of Con (Khan) Award. I will do my best to uphold the high standards of last year’s winner – Rupert Murdoch. I’m not sure if he actually won it, I really have no idea.

What time are cocktails? I believe Manka Bros. is having our party on some hotel rooftop. I’m happy to say none of you freaks are invited.

I’ll now open it up for questions…

OK, yeah, Batman there in the third row. Question?

Batman: Any plans for a “Captain Stoppo” movie?

Khan Manka, Jr.: I’m out of here! Fuck you all!

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company