Steve Jobs – Page 5 – Chairman's Blog

April 21, 2011

Yemen Theme Park – Update

Good morning.

Many of you have no doubt been reading in the press about the attempted overthrow of the Yemeni President and wonder how that will affect the construction of the Manka Fun Park – Yemen – which is scheduled to open later this year.

I think as long as the protesters don’t destroy any Manka Bros. property (especially the new $5 million Camel Hump Roller Terror in 3D), I’m OK with it.

Getting this theme park built has been a nightmare and over the past few months we’ve really hit a lot of brick walls with the current regime and had to pay out way too many cartons of cigarettes in order to keep construction going. Perhaps new leadership on the side of the people will help expedite theme park construction.

So… after much thought and despite the imploring of other studio moguls, I have made my decision: EVEN DURING THIS TIME OF REVOLUTION, THE THEME PARK CONSTRUCTION WILL CONTINUE.

The people of Yemen have lived under a dictatorship for too long and deserve roller coasters and the All-New Broadway Re-Zoo starring Joey Levitch!

And, this is the right decision for Manka Bros. and its shareholders – because Yemen is a completely untapped market for Western-style entertainment. Bob Iger at Disney has been too busy concentrating on China and Disney Junior to realize where the real money is. Loser. We will have the Yemen market to ourselves.

Now if we can only get a fucking movie that makes money we’ll really be on a roll.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

April 11, 2011April 11, 2011

Manka Bros. Bets The Farm On “Hey Diddle Diddle”

Adam Fogelson, Alan Spoon, Alexander von Furstenberg, Angela Bromstad, Ari Emanuel, Arthur Martinez, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Brad Grey, Brian Roberts, Bryan Lourd, Chase Carey, Craig Smith, David Geffen, David Rosenblatt, Donald R. Keough, Donna Langley, Edgard Bronfman, Electus, Ezra Kucharz, fairy tale movies, Graham Stanton, Greg Blatt, Greg Morrow, Greg Stevens, Gregg Winiarski, Hans Woolley, Harry Sloan, Hey Diddle Diddle, Jason Stewart, Jay Herratti, Jeff Sagansky, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Jill Kennedy, Joanne Hawkins, Joey Levin, John C. Malone, John Ferriter, John Foley, John Malone, Josh Abramson, Jr., Kara Swisher, Khan Manka, Louis Castle, Manka Bros., Mark Stein, Michael Eisner, Michael Schwerdtman, Michael Zeisser, Nikki Finke, Notional, On Medea, OnMedea, Paul Telegdy, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Richard F. Zannino, Rick Finkelstein, Ricky Van Veen, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Scott Garell, Scott Savitz, Shana Fisher, Sharon Waxman, Stacey Snider, Steve Burke, Steve Jobs, Steven Spielberg, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, Thomas J. McInerney, Tina Brown, Tony DiSanto, Victor Kaufman

Good morning.

Following an all night film strategy brainstorming session, I am pleased to announce Manka Bros. has committed to produce a $250 million reimagining of the classic children’s fairy tale “Hey Diddle Diddle”.

This is a mighty big bet for the studio and a decision I don’t make lightly.

And while it seems that every studio in town is doing a fairy tale remake right now (Red Riding Hood and Jack the Giant Killer at Warners, Hansel & Gretel at Paramount and there are THREE Snow White movies in various stages of development, etc.), I think we have hit on a concept that will definitely help “Hey Diddle Diddle” break through the clutter.

In the story’s current form, you have a Cat playing a Fiddle, a Cow jumping over the Moon, a Dog laughing and Dish running away with a Spoon… silly stuff that doesn’t translate to a long form feature film – much less the elements of a movie anyone over four would want to see.

Problem solved.

We’re going to take the same classic characters and set the story in a Soviet gulag work camp in the 1930s. This will allow us to dig deep into the psyches of these characters.

What makes the cow jump over the moon? Freedom.

Why does the dish run away with the spoon? Forbidden love.

Why is the cat playing the fiddle? Because Stalin likes music and if the cat doesn’t play, he dies.

Stuff like that. Very powerful.

And while we don’t have a screenwriter, director or cast set, we do have a release date: July 4, 2012.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

February 22, 2011April 27, 2011

Manka Bros. Triathlon Team Finishes Last… Again

Unbe-fucking-lievable!

If I didn’t know better, I would think that my employees only live to embarrass me.

I was just informed that the Manka Bros. Triathlon Team (led by the freakishly pathetic Jay McBee – nice swim trunks, Jay) finished last at this year’s Nautica Malibu Triathlon.

Last for the fifth straight year!

The Nautica Malibu Triathlon is an annual competition also known as the Entertainment Industry Challenge (EIC) and pits all the major studios (Manka Bros., Warner Bros., Disney, Sony, NBC Universal, Paramount, Fox, etc.) against one another.

Each year I think, well, if we can’t beat them at the box office or on television or in music sales or in theme park attendance or in publishing… we can beat them in a triathlon.

Boy, am I fucking stupid.

Manka Bros. has become a joke. We are the flabbiest and most out of shape of all the studios. Freaking embarrassing.

Maybe we need to start a morning calisthenics program much like they do every year at the Herb Allen Sun Valley Retreat.

I don’t know what it’s going to take, but as a person who owns a home in Malibu, I never want to see pictures of people like this on that beach ever again!

And that includes you, too, David Geffen!

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

January 6, 2011January 6, 2012

The Future Is Last Year – CES 2011 Keynote – Khan Manka, Jr.

Good morning.

First off, to all of my friends who are badly hungover this morning – I’m told the Circus Circus Buffet will clean out your system pretty well.

And to all my friends who are still drunk from last night [there are some claps and hoots from the audience] – well done – but pace yourselves, gentlemen and ladies, there are three more drunken days yet to go.

Especially you, Bob Iger! [Bob Iger, in the front row, howls like a wolf.]

Last night, we were at Caesar’s drinking on Cleopatra’s Barge and Bob said he was going to close the place down. I had to remind him it was a casino in Vegas and they don’t close!

Anyway, let’s get started.

How about a joke? What do you call someone who was a nerd in high school but went on to makes billions in technology and basically changed the way we live our lives? A nerd.

I’m not here today as an ally to the consumer electronics industry. Frankly, you can all F yourselves. I’m here to say to all you geeks and computer dorks who think you can tell Hollywood how to entertain the world that today HOLLYWOOD FIGHTS BACK!

I don’t give a shit about your new phone. I don’t give a shit about the “digital cloud” you built to hold all my media files – if you guys really want to be useful, develop a killer App that will clean and organize my garage. And I don’t give a shit about being able to perfectly simulate a Vietnam jungle battle in my family room.

Seriously, why do I need a new phone and new television every fucking year?

When I was a growing up in the 1960s we had one innovation – color television. That lasted us 20 years until we had a VCR that could play tapes of movies. That lasted us 20 years until we had DVD players that could play DVDs of movies.

If you freakin’ tech idiots would have left well and good alone, we Hollywood studios would still be raking in billions from DVD sales and my friend Sumner Redstone wouldn’t have to sell his blood and plasma just to pay the rent. That’s a joke, he actually has other people sell their blood and plasma to pay his rent.

So today, on behalf of Manka Bros. – The World’s Largest Media Company – and my studio mogul brethren, I ask the consumer electronics industry to STOP THE INNOVATION.

Stop making my toaster check the traffic before I leave home.

Stop telling the world which bars and prostitutes I have visited.

Stop having these pointless trade shows that only exist so that media executives can act like they’re working but are actually just partying in Vegas [many ‘boos’ from the crowd].

Imagine the turnout CES would have if it were held in Akron every year.

Stop everything you’re doing and let us premium content creators go back to doing what we do best – entertaining the world.

Don’t you morons understand we just want to make movies and television shows? It’s killing us to constantly spend our time reconfiguring formats to fit the new phone in our hand or the chip in the back of our brains.

We just want it to be 2003 again. So either join us or get the fuck out of our way because we are going backwards and will do everything it takes to do things the way we have always done them. Capisce?

Google, Microsoft and Facebook are not the studios of the future. Audiences can only watch so many movies about computer nerds who save the world and date robot women.

Questions?

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

December 3, 2010April 26, 2011

Manka Bros. Holiday Party Canceled

Due to the shitty year Manka Bros. has had at the box office, the crappy television shows that were produced for our horrible television networks, declining music sales and the frightening losses in our Publishing Group, I have decided to cancel the 2010 Manka Bros. Employee Holiday Party that was to be held at the Nokia Theater and the other surrounding L.A. Live venues and restaurants.

I have requested L.A. Live management to return our substantial deposit. I know many of you were looking forward to seeing Eminem, Lady Antebellum and Seamus (who also must return their deposits). Too bad. If you’re better at your jobs next year, maybe we’ll try something like this again.

But I don’t want you to get absolutely nothing from your employer for the Holidays – so for the next week, the Cafeteria is offering 10% off one slice of pizza.

Have a safe Holiday season and let’s make 2011 a year that doesn’t suck.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

November 10, 2010April 26, 2011

Manka Bros. Awards $1,001 Bonus and 10.1% Raise To Senior Management

Good morning.

In response to my friend Eric Schmidt’s announcement that every employee of Google will receive a $1,000 bonus and a 10% raise, I am announcing a $1,001 bonus and 10.1% raise to the Senior Management team at Manka Bros.

Unfortunately, because of the horrible year we are having at the box office and in our Television Group, we are forced to reduce the salaries of everyone below Senior Vice President in order to pay for this salary increase.

The salary reduction and bonus elimination (effective immediately) for VPs and below and support staff will range from 10.1% to 25%.

[Please note: Jay McBee (President of the Manka Bros. Television Group) and Robin Rafe (President of the Manka Bros. Theatrical Group) will not be receiving these bonuses because they really REALLY suck at their jobs.]

If you happen to see any senior management around the studio lot today, be sure and give them a nice congratulations wave (but try not to make eye contact).

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

November 5, 2010April 27, 2011

Yemen Theme Park – November Update

Good morning.

Because of the recent news that mail bombs were sent from Yemen in an attempt to blow up two Chicago-area synagogues, several people have inquired about Manka Bros.’ plans to build a billion dollar Manka Fun Park in Yemen.

After much thought and despite the imploring of other studio moguls, I have made my decision: THE THEME PARK CONSTRUCTION WILL CONTINUE.

Just because there are a few terrorists trying to blow up everything in the United States doesn’t mean that the rest of the people of Yemen don’t deserve roller coasters and the All-New Broadway Re-Zoo starring Joey Levitch!

While it has been a long slog through the bureaucratic muck and construction of the park has been slow due to increased terror threats, political turmoil and badly handled wire transfers, things are moving along.

Because of all those hurdles, I thought the opening would have to be pushed back a few months (or years), but I was reassured yesterday by the Yemeni leader Ali Abdullah Saleh that since labor costs in that country are non-existent and there are no overtime rules (are you listening America?), the scheduled opening will easily be met.

That’s the beauty of a dictatorship!

This is great news for Manka Bros. because Yemen is a completely untapped market for Western-style entertainment. Bob Iger at Disney has been too busy concentrating on China to realize where the real money is. Loser. We will have the Yemen market to ourselves.

Now if we can only get a fucking movie that makes money we’ll really be on a roll.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

September 24, 2010May 2, 2011

Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer Jeff Zucker A Job

Allen & Company retreat, Anne Mulcahy, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bill Bradley, Bob Iger, Bobby Kotick, Brian Grazer, Brian Roberts, Candice Bergen, Carol Bartz, Charlie Rose, Chase Carey, Chris Silbermann, Cory Booker, Diane Von Furstenberg, Don Graham, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Eisner, Eric Schmidt, Erin Burnett, George Bodenheimer, Gina Bianchini, Gordon Crawford, Haim Saban, Hank Vigil, Harvey Weinstein, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jean-Bernard Levy, Jeff Berg, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Bezos, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Jim Berkus, Jim Gianopulos, Jim Robinson, John Donahue, Jon Miller, Jonathan Dolgen, Ken Auletta, Ken Chenault, Khan Manka, Lachlan Murdoch, Lady Gaga, Larry Page, Leslie Moonves, Lionel Barber, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marc Andreessen, Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Martin Sorrell, Mathias Dopfner, Michael Ovitz, Mike Bloomberg, Niall FitzGerald, Owen Van Natta, Patt Morrison, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Rachael Ray, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Wiesenthal, Robbie Bach, Robert L. Johnson, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Burke, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, Tim Armstrong, Tom Freston, Tom Friedman, Tom Glocer, Tom Rothman, Ursula Burns, Vivi Nevo, Warren Buffett, World's Largest Media Company

I have sold my Comcast stock.

Frankly, I am stunned at today’s announcement that Jeff Zucker has been fired by Steve Burke at Comcast. Little Stevie Burke (who was a Manka Bros. intern years ago in our Publishing Group) has some balls on him. He’s not even Jeff Zucker’s boss yet and he pulled the trigger on the firing.

My great old friend Brian Roberts doesn’t know what a treasure he has lost today. It’s a crazy world when someone like Jeff Zucker doesn’t have a media empire to run. I would call Brian on Jeff’s behalf to urge him to overrule Steve Burke, but I’m just too busy.

Well, JZ, even though Comcast Universal (which will still be smaller than Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company) doesn’t have a place for you after the merger, Manka Bros. DOES have a place for you. I would like to offer you a job anywhere you want in the organization. Check our Senior Management roster and pick the job you would like.

Manka Bros. has so underperformed this year, nearly every job is up for grabs (with the exception of Lloyd Grohl). Just give me a 24 hour heads up and I’ll fire whomever you wish to replace.

Though based on your track record, personally, I would prefer you stayed away from our television group – but, really, beggars can’t be choosers, right?

I know you’re hurting right now and probably inconsolable and crying but just remember all the good times we’ve had from Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Retreat, to the lobster boil with Peter Chernin – lots of great times.

The party would continue and never stop if you joined our organization. The whole thing just breaks my heart and I only wish to God Manka Bros. would have acquired NBC Universal when we had the chance just so that you would still have a job.

I know everyone thinks you’re an asshole (welcome to the club!) but your accomplishments at NBC cannot be ignored – from the hiring of Ben Silverman to the way you handled the Jay Leno/Conan situation – NBC is in great shape and will only get stronger after you leave. You can hold your head up!

So, think about it. Take a couple of years, climb a mountain, backpack around Europe. Hopefully, at least, GE will cash out your vacation time. If not, and you need a low interest loan until you get back on your feet, just let me know.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

September 1, 2010May 3, 2011

Vanity Fair Can Suck It

Adrienne Gaffney, Alan Deutschman, Amy Wells, Andrew Stanton, Andrew Wylie, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bernard Arnault, Bil Gross, Bill Keller, Biz Stone, Bob Dodd, Bob Iger, Brad Bird, Brian Grazer, Brian Roberts, Chairman's Blog, Chris Meledandri, Christ Albrect, Christ Anderson, David Tepper, David Zaslav, Debi Chirichella, Drew Schutte, Duff McDonald, Elena DeGiuli, Eric Schmidt, Evan Williams, Frank Rich, George Bodenheimer, Graydon Carter, Gretchen Morgenson, Harvey Weinstein, Howard Stringer, J.J. Abrams, Janie Bryant, Jann Weiner, Jason Kilar, jason Wagenheim, Jeanne Milligan, Jeff Bezos, Jeff Skoll, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Jessica Flint, Jessica Jones, Jill Kennedy, John Lasseter, John Malone, Jonathan Ive, Judd Apatow, Kellie A. MacAloon, Khan Manka, Lady Gaga, Larry Fink, Larry Page, Leslie Moonves, Loren Malenchek, Lorne Michaels, Manka Bros., Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Matt Blank, Matthew Weiner, Michael Lombardo, Mike Fisher, Nikki Finke, OnMedea, Oprah Winfrey, Pam Dolby, Patrick Wachsberger, Peter Docter, Peter Newcomb, Peter Zuckerman, Philippe Dauman, Richard Plepler, Richard Siklos, Rob Friedman, Robert Thomson, Ronald Perelman, Rupert Murdoch, Ryan Kavanaugh, Ryan Murphy, S.I. Newhouse, Sarah Chubb, Sarah Herring, Sean Parker, Selim Mataracci, Sergey Brin, Seth MacFarlane, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Burke, Steve Jobs, Sue Naegle, Tom Freston, Vivi Nevo, Warren Buffett, World's Largest Media Company

Good evening from the Seychelles.

While I wasn’t planning on contacting anyone except the bartender during my final vacation of the summer, this morning I was forwarded the 2010 Vanity Fair 100 List. Most people consider this list to be an annual ranking of the world’s most powerful media moguls – I consider this list to be shit.

WHY THE FUCK AM I NOT ON THIS LIST?!

We live in a media world dominated by Manka Bros. From the multiplex to the television to the newstand to the internet to every freakin’ handheld device, the people of the world simply cannot avoid Manka Bros. and yet we have been ignored… again.

Frankly, I am shocked that the writers of this story and the publisher of this magazine had the balls to make this grave error in judgment. I think I know why it happened, I just can’t believe that the people who put this bullshit list together would sacrifice their professional integrity over a personal vendetta.

It is simply unconscionable that Lady Gaga, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Ryan Kavanaugh (!!!!), Bob Iger and Barry Diller are on this list – yet I have been left off. Don’t get me wrong, I could care less about this stupid little list. You can’t rank moguls!

Perhaps a little backstory is necessary on how we got to where we are today.

I have known Graydon Carter (Editor-in-Chief of Vanity Fair) for nearly 40 years. We were in a tap and jazz dance class in Hollywood in the late 1960s before I rebelled against my father (the great asshole studio mogul Harry Manka) and turned to rock and roll where I founded the awesome power rock trio known as King Khan.

Due to my severe drug intake during those years, I don’t remember much… but I do remember Graydon kept hounding me to pitch my dad some idiotic movie idea which combined tap dancing and space exploration. I refused and we didn’t talk for many years.

In the mid-1980s (after I had taken over as Chairman & CEO of Manka Bros.), I had a dream about tap dancing astronauts and immediately called Graydon and asked if his idea was still available. It wasn’t.

Turns out, he had recently sold “Black Hole Time Step” (or whatever the hell it was) to Golan-Globus for $3 million (all cash in a suitcase). That movie was later completely rewritten and became Death Wish 4: The Crackdown… but I digress.

To make a long story short, after the recession hit in 2008 and everyone eventually declared print media dead, I made a hostile bid for Conde Nast (parent company of Vanity Fair) from its parent company – Advance Publications – for $8 million. Even though the publishing industry was extremely challenged, I figured for the right price it would be a good fit nestled within the Manka Bros. Publishing Group.

Advance Publications Chairman & CEO S.I. Newhouse told me to ‘GO F MYSELF’.

I decided to take the high road from that remark and raised my bid to $8,000,100 and told S.I. to use that extra $100 to pay for the movers to clear out his office. I never heard back and here we are today.

Obviously, my old friend Graydon is afraid for his job and knew putting me on the Vanity Fair 100 list would not be looked on favorably by his ultimate corporate boss – Mr. Newhouse.

But things tend to even out over time. I have instructed our in-house media watchdog Jill Kennedy – Editor-in-Chief of OnMedea – to start putting together our own little list.

I’m thinking of calling it: THE MANKA 100 – Top 100 Failures In Media.

Hmmm… where should I start?

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

August 20, 2010May 3, 2011

Leaving For My House In The Seychelles

Allen & Company retreat, Anne Mulcahy, Anne Sweeney, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Bobby Kotick, Carol Bartz, Charlie Rose, Cory Booker, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Erin Burnett, Gina Bianchini, Harvey Weinstein, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jean-Bernard Levy, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, John Donahue, Ken Auletta, Khan Manka, Lachlan Murdoch, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lionel Barber, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marc Andreessen, Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Martin Sorrell, Mathias Dopfner, MIchelle Caruso-Cabrera, Mike Bloomberg, Niall FitzGerald, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Wiesenthal, Robert L. Johnson, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, Tom Freston, Tom Friedman, Ursula Burns, Vivi Nevo, Warren Buffett, World's Largest Media Company, Comic-Con, Leann Womack, Captain Stoppo, Lloyd Grohl

As I said last year (and every year), this town is dead until after Labor Day and it’s pointless for someone like me to still be here working.

So… I’m leaving this afternoon for my house in the Seychelles and will return on September 7th.

Please don’t contact me unless there is some type of explosion or fire at the studio… or if something crazier happens – like one of our movies DOESN’T fail!

My plane will be making a short stop at Teterboro in New Jersey to pick up Michelle Caruso-Cabrera. After that, my various cellphones and gadgets will be turned off until I return to Burbank.

Anyone who tries to reach me will be fired. Anyone who does (somehow) reach me will be killed.

Keep working. We’ve had another terrible year and everyone is to blame!

See you in September!

[REMEMBER: Labor Day is NOT holiday at Manka Bros. Just because I’m off doesn’t mean everyone is!]

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company