Online celebrity gossip blogs need you to keep evading authorities and issuing bizarre statements on your website.  It’s the only way many of them will be able to survive the current advertising slowdown.

For a while, the crazy death of Michael Jackson and the pending divorce of Jon & Kate sustained TMZ, Defamer, Radar, etc., but now, they really needed something to jack up the Holiday season – and your insane Thanksgiving was the perfect (the absolute perfect) present under the tree.

What you need to do now, Tiger, is barricade yourself inside your home or come out naked and drunk like something on “Cops” (throw in a scream at the helicopters for that extra zing).  Maybe you and Kobe could get together and go on some sort of cross-country crime spree ala “Bonnie and Clyde”.

I don’t really care what you decide to do next – but PLEASE DO NOT TELL THE TRUTH.  That would kill this story faster than David Letterman confessing his illicit affair on national television.

So, Tiger…

DON’T come to California and host your golf tournament (keep everyone wondering where you are);

DON’T give a press conference to clear everything up (unless you decide to make it a crazy one with someone like Drew Rosenhaus as your spokesperson);

DO go on Oprah and Jay Leno once your wounds have healed for a nice, safe interview that you have full control over (and stick to your story of Elin freeing you with a golf club from your wrecked Escalade);

DO give Elin a flawless 20-carat diamond during “The View” and “thank her for saving your life”…

Etc. etc. etc.

Just don’t tell the truth.  That would ruin everything.

Jill Kennedy – OnMedea