Unattractive Women Have Zero Chance In Hollywood…

Ari Emanuel, Bob Iger, Diablo Cody, Disney, female screenwiters, Fox, Giada De Laurentiis, Jeff Robinov, Jeff Weiner, Jill Kennedy, Khan Manka, Lynn Shelton, Manka Bros., Paramount, script girl, Scriptgirl411, sexism in Hollywood, Tina Fey, top young screenwriters, unattractive women in hollywood, Universal, Warner Bros., Wendy Wasserstein… and New York, for that matter.  And I’m talking about WRITERS!

Of course, there are some small roles in film and television that are played by unattractive female actresses (the psychotic neighbor, the diner waitress, the homeless woman, the awkward teen friend, etc.) – and we sort of understand why ‘on-camera’ talent has to have a certain look.

But writers?  Why do they have to look a certain way?  They just have to be able to write.  Right?  Quasimodo should be able to make it in this town – that is, if Quasimodo was a really good writer.  Is that naive?

Being fairly new to L.A., I was shocked to learn that the new crop of budding female screenwriters (those under 30) are freakin’ hot.  And, of the females out there writing (and there are millions), the hot ones seem to be the only ones getting meetings.

There is a very high profile production company down the hall from my office which receives a good amount of foot traffic from writers pitching script ideas.  The males that come in are pretty much all unattractive, unkempt and fat (the standard male screenwriter uniform of baseball cap – [Cubs preferably], shorts and a giant t-shirt is a cliche… but in this case, a true cliche).  [Note:  If the male screenwriter becomes successful, then his body changes – he’s still unattractive but now he’s ‘kempt’ and very much in shape.  Success leads to getting laid, getting laid leads to getting in shape.]

The female writers that come in are all hot.  There’s not one Wendy Wasserstein in the bunch.  Some wear glasses to have that ‘smart’ look – but they all accentuate their boobs and have a nice tight ass.  Perhaps this current wave of new writers was influenced in some way by Scriptgirl411.  Even though ScriptGirl is mostly satire, there is a certain fantasy that male producers have (and have had since Hollywood began) and she hits it right on the head.

Ari Emanuel, Bob Iger, Diablo Cody, Disney, female screenwiters, Fox, Giada De Laurentiis, Jeff Robinov, Jeff Weiner, Jill Kennedy, Khan Manka, Lynn Shelton, Manka Bros., Paramount, script girl, Scriptgirl411, sexism in Hollywood, Tina Fey, top young screenwriters, unattractive women in hollywood, Universal, Warner Bros., Wendy WassersteinFemale screenwriters make up a extremely low percentage of screenplays written in this town (oh, let’s say 2%, though accurate data is very hard to come by) – so I suppose when male producers feel they need to hire a female to give the script a ‘certain voice’, being the shallow boys that they are, they would prefer to spend all that time with someone hot.  That’s pretty much the way this town works in every area of entertainment (even catering… thank you Giada De Laurentiis!).

I do believe this is just a fad and it will change once some of the beautiful but untalented writers start to get screen credits and the movies fail at the box office.  Talent will win the day – much as it did for older male screenwriters who were shut out in the 90s for younger guys right out of film school.

Today, it doesn’t seem to matter how old a male writer is, the quality of the script seems to win out.  This is mainly due to the low number of projects being greenlit and the low tolerance for bad writing.   Top male executives (and a couple of females) at production companies and studios can no longer take a chance on being the “cutting edge” type or “trend setting”.  In today’s economy, their jobs and bonuses are very much on the line – so they’d better get it right (write).

However, it’s funny, but when it’s a hot, young, female screenwriter, film executives have an amazing tolerance for bad writing.  This, too, will change.

Talent will win the day – though it’s much easier to get tits in the door than a foot.

Accel Partners, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Chris Hughes, David Kirkpatrick, Dustin Moskovitz, Eduardo Saverin, Gerald Levin, Greylock Partners, HBO, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Zucker, Jill Kennedy, Joanna Shields, Jon Miller, Khan Manka, Li Ka-shing, Manka Bros., Mark Cuban, Mark Zuckerberg, Matt Cohler, MySpace, Nicolas Carlson, OnMedea, Owen Van Natta, Paul Buchheit, Peter Thiel, Rupert Murdoch, Sheryl Sandberg, Sumner Redstone, Toy Story 3Jill Kennedy – OnMedea

Fanboys Would Like Fat Peter Jackson To Direct “The Hobbit”

Aidan Turner, Alan Horn, Andy Serkis, Barry Meyer, Ben Silverman, Brendan Heffeman, Brendan Heffernan, Callum Greene, Cate Blanchett, Doug Jones, fat Peter Jackson, Fran Walsh, Graham McTavish, Guillermo Navarro, Hugo Weaving, Ian McKellen, J.R.R. Tolkien, James Nesbitt, Jeff Robinov, Jeff Zucker, Jill Kennedy, John Callen, John Howe, John Key, Khan Manka, Leonard Nimoy, Linus Murphy, Lord of the Rings, Lovely Bones, Manka Bros., Mark Hadlow, Martin Freeman, Mary Parent, MGM, Michael Fassbender, New Zealand, Nour Dardari, OnMedea, Peter Hambleton, Peter Jackson, Richard Armitage, Robert Kazinsky, Stephen Hunter, Sylvester McCoy, The Hobbit, Toby Emmerich, Warner Bros., Wayne D. BarloweAidan Turner, Alan Horn, Andy Serkis, Barry Meyer, Ben Silverman, Brendan Heffeman, Brendan Heffernan, Callum Greene, Cate Blanchett, Doug Jones, fat Peter Jackson, Fran Walsh, Graham McTavish, Guillermo Navarro, Hugo Weaving, Ian McKellen, J.R.R. Tolkien, James Nesbitt, Jeff Robinov, Jeff Zucker, Jill Kennedy, John Callen, John Howe, John Key, Khan Manka, Leonard Nimoy, Linus Murphy, Lord of the Rings, Lovely Bones, Manka Bros., Mark Hadlow, Martin Freeman, Mary Parent, MGM, Michael Fassbender, New Zealand, Nour Dardari, OnMedea, Peter Hambleton, Peter Jackson, Richard Armitage, Robert Kazinsky, Stephen Hunter, Sylvester McCoy, The Hobbit, Toby Emmerich, Warner Bros., Wayne D. BarloweDear Peter Jackson,

Please eat.

I’ve been speaking to some fanboys (and girls) and they would prefer that a fat Peter Jackson directs “The Hobbit” rather than the less creative skinny Peter Jackson.

With the Holidays coming up, there is plenty of opportunity for you to pack on at least 50 pounds before film production begins next year.

Based on the great sacrifice your country has made to make sure ‘The Hobbit’ is made in New Zealand, there is a lot at stake.  The least you can do is have a few extra helpings of lasagna and eggnog to ensure that the finished product is more “Lord of the Rings” and less “Lovely Bones”.

Craft Services is your friend – less salad and more empty calories, please (Red Vines and donuts are good).  And alcohol.  Lots of alcohol.

Aidan Turner, Alan Horn, Andy Serkis, Barry Meyer, Ben Silverman, Brendan Heffeman, Brendan Heffernan, Callum Greene, Cate Blanchett, Doug Jones, fat Peter Jackson, Fran Walsh, Graham McTavish, Guillermo Navarro, Hugo Weaving, Ian McKellen, J.R.R. Tolkien, James Nesbitt, Jeff Robinov, Jeff Zucker, Jill Kennedy, John Callen, John Howe, John Key, Khan Manka, Leonard Nimoy, Linus Murphy, Lord of the Rings, Lovely Bones, Manka Bros., Mark Hadlow, Martin Freeman, Mary Parent, MGM, Michael Fassbender, New Zealand, Nour Dardari, OnMedea, Peter Hambleton, Peter Jackson, Richard Armitage, Robert Kazinsky, Stephen Hunter, Sylvester McCoy, The Hobbit, Toby Emmerich, Warner Bros., Wayne D. BarloweJill Kennedy – OnMedea

Leno The King

ABC, Angela Bromstad, Are You Stupid?, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Beverly Hills Hotel, Brian Roberts, CBS, Comcast, Conan O'Brien, CSI: NY, Dawn Ostroff, Deadline Hollywood, Dick Wolf, Eastwick, ER, GE shareholder, Gossip Girl, Jay Leno, Jay Leno has Failed, Jay Leno ratings, Jeff Gaspin, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jill Kennedy, Jimmy Fallon, John Ferriter, Julianna Margulies, Kate Gosselin, Khan Manka, Law & Order, Lindsey Vonn, Manka Bros., Marc Graboff, NBC Olympic Coverage, Nikki Finke, Octomom, OnMedea, Paul Telegdy, Peter Roth, Producers Caucus Panel, Sarah Palin, Sharon Waxman, Shaun White, Stop all the clocks..., Sven Kramer, TCA Winter Press Tour, Terry Semel, The CW, thewrap.com, USA vs. Canada, W.H. Auden, Warner Bros., William Morris EndeavorWell, that didn’t take long.  There will be lots of “I’m With Coco” and David Letterman supporters that will say “It was expected…”, “Everyone was just curious about the switch…”, “Jay has all those Olympians on the show…”

Whatever.

I write this not as a Jay Leno fan (far from it) – but as a practical person who looks at the numbers.  As I said when there was a debate over whether NBC should keep Conan or Jay… of all the late night hosts on all the networks, Jay Leno is simply the one that more people want to watch.  I’m not talking about “quality” or “educated” people here.  I’m talking about more PEOPLE.

In his first night back in the 11:35pm time slot, Jay Leno destroyed the competition. The Tonight Show with Jay Leno got a 5.7/14 share; David Letterman (3.0/8 share); Nightline/Jimmy Kimmell Live (1.8/6 share).  Tonight, Jay has Sarah Palin and Shaun White on the show.  Who do you think will win?

I think Conan may want to avoid the direct competition and forget about Fox.  I’m sure Fox executives are thinking the same thing today.

[Note to Jeff Zucker:  These results are not because of your brilliance, they are in spite of your ignorance.  The Olympics will lose over $200 million for your network and you won’t make that up with “The Marriage Ref” or “Parenthood” ratings.  You will be fired.]

Accel Partners, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Chris Hughes, David Kirkpatrick, Dustin Moskovitz, Eduardo Saverin, Gerald Levin, Greylock Partners, HBO, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Zucker, Jill Kennedy, Joanna Shields, Jon Miller, Khan Manka, Li Ka-shing, Manka Bros., Mark Cuban, Mark Zuckerberg, Matt Cohler, MySpace, Nicolas Carlson, OnMedea, Owen Van Natta, Paul Buchheit, Peter Thiel, Rupert Murdoch, Sheryl Sandberg, Sumner Redstone, Toy Story 3Jill Kennedy – OnMedea

Jay Leno and Sarah Palin

ABC, Angela Bromstad, Are You Stupid?, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Beverly Hills Hotel, Brian Roberts, CBS, Comcast, Conan O'Brien, CSI: NY, Dawn Ostroff, Deadline Hollywood, Dick Wolf, Eastwick, ER, GE shareholder, Gossip Girl, Jay Leno, Jay Leno has Failed, Jay Leno ratings, Jeff Gaspin, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jill Kennedy, Jimmy Fallon, John Ferriter, Julianna Margulies, Kate Gosselin, Khan Manka, Law & Order, Lindsey Vonn, Manka Bros., Marc Graboff, NBC Olympic Coverage, Nikki Finke, Octomom, OnMedea, Paul Telegdy, Peter Roth, Producers Caucus Panel, Sarah Palin, Sharon Waxman, Shaun White, Stop all the clocks..., Sven Kramer, TCA Winter Press Tour, Terry Semel, The CW, thewrap.com, USA vs. Canada, W.H. Auden, Warner Bros., William Morris EndeavorABC, Angela Bromstad, Are You Stupid?, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Beverly Hills Hotel, Brian Roberts, CBS, Comcast, Conan O'Brien, CSI: NY, Dawn Ostroff, Deadline Hollywood, Dick Wolf, Eastwick, ER, GE shareholder, Gossip Girl, Jay Leno, Jay Leno has Failed, Jay Leno ratings, Jeff Gaspin, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jill Kennedy, Jimmy Fallon, John Ferriter, Julianna Margulies, Kate Gosselin, Khan Manka, Law & Order, Lindsey Vonn, Manka Bros., Marc Graboff, NBC Olympic Coverage, Nikki Finke, Octomom, OnMedea, Paul Telegdy, Peter Roth, Producers Caucus Panel, Sarah Palin, Sharon Waxman, Shaun White, Stop all the clocks..., Sven Kramer, TCA Winter Press Tour, Terry Semel, The CW, thewrap.com, USA vs. Canada, W.H. Auden, Warner Bros., William Morris EndeavorLove him or hate him, there is a reason Jay Leno has been #1 and will soon be #1 again in the late night wars.

He will book anyone necessary to get ratings – as evidenced by the top guest on his second night back – Ms. Sarah Palin.

Add to the mix Shaun White, Lindsey Vonn, Apolo Ohno, Brad Paisley, the cast of Jersey Shore and I think it’s game over for Dave as soon as Jay returns.  The Letterman vs. Leno battle will last all but one week.

ABC, Angela Bromstad, Are You Stupid?, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Beverly Hills Hotel, Brian Roberts, CBS, Comcast, Conan O'Brien, CSI: NY, Dawn Ostroff, Deadline Hollywood, Dick Wolf, Eastwick, ER, GE shareholder, Gossip Girl, Jay Leno, Jay Leno has Failed, Jay Leno ratings, Jeff Gaspin, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jill Kennedy, Jimmy Fallon, John Ferriter, Julianna Margulies, Kate Gosselin, Khan Manka, Law & Order, Lindsey Vonn, Manka Bros., Marc Graboff, NBC Olympic Coverage, Nikki Finke, Octomom, OnMedea, Paul Telegdy, Peter Roth, Producers Caucus Panel, Sarah Palin, Sharon Waxman, Shaun White, Stop all the clocks..., Sven Kramer, TCA Winter Press Tour, Terry Semel, The CW, thewrap.com, USA vs. Canada, W.H. Auden, Warner Bros., William Morris EndeavorABC, Angela Bromstad, Are You Stupid?, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Beverly Hills Hotel, Brian Roberts, CBS, Comcast, Conan O'Brien, CSI: NY, Dawn Ostroff, Deadline Hollywood, Dick Wolf, Eastwick, ER, GE shareholder, Gossip Girl, Jay Leno, Jay Leno has Failed, Jay Leno ratings, Jeff Gaspin, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jill Kennedy, Jimmy Fallon, John Ferriter, Julianna Margulies, Kate Gosselin, Khan Manka, Law & Order, Lindsey Vonn, Manka Bros., Marc Graboff, NBC Olympic Coverage, Nikki Finke, Octomom, OnMedea, Paul Telegdy, Peter Roth, Producers Caucus Panel, Sarah Palin, Sharon Waxman, Shaun White, Stop all the clocks..., Sven Kramer, TCA Winter Press Tour, Terry Semel, The CW, thewrap.com, USA vs. Canada, W.H. Auden, Warner Bros., William Morris EndeavorIt’s even possible that by week two most people will have forgotten there ever was a ‘Tonight Show controversy’ which will mean less and less “I’m with Coco” fanatics inviting you to join Facebook clubs.

So what have we learned from this whole debacle?  As long as there are publicists and stars who need publicity, the past is meaningless.  Hollywood is a “what-have-you-done-for-me-lately” town.

And what will Jay do for these media hungry whores stars?  Deliver ratings that Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Kimmel or David Letterman can’t (unless Dave could book Sarah Palin again).

And ratings are all that matters.

Accel Partners, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Chris Hughes, David Kirkpatrick, Dustin Moskovitz, Eduardo Saverin, Gerald Levin, Greylock Partners, HBO, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Zucker, Jill Kennedy, Joanna Shields, Jon Miller, Khan Manka, Li Ka-shing, Manka Bros., Mark Cuban, Mark Zuckerberg, Matt Cohler, MySpace, Nicolas Carlson, OnMedea, Owen Van Natta, Paul Buchheit, Peter Thiel, Rupert Murdoch, Sheryl Sandberg, Sumner Redstone, Toy Story 3Jill Kennedy – OnMedea

UPDATE: Jeff Zucker Still Has A Job

ABC, Angela Bromstad, Are You Stupid?, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Beverly Hills Hotel, Brian Roberts, CBS, Comcast, Conan O'Brien, CSI: NY, Dawn Ostroff, Deadline Hollywood, Dick Wolf, Eastwick, ER, GE shareholder, Gossip Girl, Jay Leno, Jay Leno has Failed, Jay Leno ratings, Jeff Gaspin, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jill Kennedy, Jimmy Fallon, John Ferriter, Julianna Margulies, Kate Gosselin, Khan Manka, Law & Order, Manka Bros., Marc Graboff, NBC Olympic Coverage, Nikki Finke, Octomom, OnMedea, Paul Telegdy, Peter Roth, Producers Caucus Panel, Sharon Waxman, Stop all the clocks..., Sven Kramer, TCA Winter Press Tour, Terry Semel, The CW, thewrap.com, USA vs. Canada, W.H. Auden, Warner Bros., William Morris EndeavorThe Billion Dollar Question is – WHY?

If I were to talk directly to Jeff Zucker’s current boss (Jeffrey Immelt) and future boss (Brian Roberts), I would quote my new hero, Dutch speed skater Sven Kramer, and say “Are you stoopid?”

Even if we all could forget about the recent mistakes that have been made under Jeff Zucker’s watch

  • Lowest rated network
  • Jay/Conan debacle
  • Hiring Ben Silverman for… anything
  • The absolutely horrendous Olympic coverage which not only sucks but will LOSE millions of dollars.  (The latest horrible decision was to air the TAPE-DELAYED 2-man Bobsled coverage on NBC over one of the best LIVE Olympic hockey games in years – USA vs. Canada.  I’m sure JZ would say it was a brilliant move on his part to force people to find MSNBC on their televisions.)

… at this point, it’s a matter of credibility.  And he has none.

ABC, Angela Bromstad, Are You Stupid?, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Beverly Hills Hotel, Brian Roberts, CBS, Comcast, Conan O'Brien, CSI: NY, Dawn Ostroff, Deadline Hollywood, Dick Wolf, Eastwick, ER, GE shareholder, Gossip Girl, Jay Leno, Jay Leno has Failed, Jay Leno ratings, Jeff Gaspin, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jill Kennedy, Jimmy Fallon, John Ferriter, Julianna Margulies, Kate Gosselin, Khan Manka, Law & Order, Manka Bros., Marc Graboff, NBC Olympic Coverage, Nikki Finke, Octomom, OnMedea, Paul Telegdy, Peter Roth, Producers Caucus Panel, Sharon Waxman, Stop all the clocks..., Sven Kramer, TCA Winter Press Tour, Terry Semel, The CW, thewrap.com, USA vs. Canada, W.H. Auden, Warner Bros., William Morris EndeavorImagine Jeff Zucker standing in front of a group of Wall Street investor analysts with his PowerPoint slides and telling them “This is the future of television…”  “This is the direction Comcast/NBC needs to go…” “Here are my ideas on how to turn things around…” etc.

Seriously, who the hell would believe he has the answers?  And why does he even get the chance to give the answers.  NBC was once great.  All the missteps really started to snowball AFTER he become Chairman & CEO.  He is into his fourth year and has thus far proven nothing to nobody.

Basta.  Enough.

However, in an effort to make my entries a little more positive, I’m going to attempt to end them all on an upbeat note.  So… that said… I do like the bulky ski resort sweaters Jeff Zucker has been wearing as he talks up NBC’s suck ass Olympic coverage on CNBC.

Accel Partners, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Chris Hughes, David Kirkpatrick, Dustin Moskovitz, Eduardo Saverin, Gerald Levin, Greylock Partners, HBO, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Zucker, Jill Kennedy, Joanna Shields, Jon Miller, Khan Manka, Li Ka-shing, Manka Bros., Mark Cuban, Mark Zuckerberg, Matt Cohler, MySpace, Nicolas Carlson, OnMedea, Owen Van Natta, Paul Buchheit, Peter Thiel, Rupert Murdoch, Sheryl Sandberg, Sumner Redstone, Toy Story 3Jill Kennedy – OnMedea

Can Elin Woods Learn From Conan O’Brien?

ABC, Angela Bromstad, Ari Emanuel, Barbro Holmberg, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Beverly Hills Hotel, Brian Roberts, CBS, Charlie Rose, Comcast, Conan O'Brien, CSI: NY, David Letterman, Dawn Ostroff, Deadline Hollywood, Dick Wolf, Eastwick, Elin Nordegren, Elin Woods, ER, GE shareholder, George Lopez, Gossip Girl, Heidi Montag, Jay Leno, Jay Leno has Failed, Jay Leno ratings, Jeff Gaspin, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jill Kennedy, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, John Ferriter, Jon Stewart, Josefin Lonnborg, Julianna Margulies, Kate Gosselin, Khan Manka, Law & Order, Les Moonves, Manka Bros., Marc Graboff, Mark Steinberg, Nancy Tellum, Nikki Finke, Octomom, OnMedea, Paul Telegdy, Peter Roth, Producers Caucus Panel, Rory Sabbatini, Sharon Waxman, Spencer Pratt, Stephen Colbert, Stop all the clocks..., TCA Winter Press Tour, Terry Semel, The CW, The Hills, thewrap.com, Thomas Nordegren, Tiger Woods, Tony DiSanto, W.H. Auden, Warner Bros., William Morris EndeavorABC, Angela Bromstad, Ari Emanuel, Barbro Holmberg, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Beverly Hills Hotel, Brian Roberts, CBS, Charlie Rose, Comcast, Conan O'Brien, CSI: NY, David Letterman, Dawn Ostroff, Deadline Hollywood, Dick Wolf, Eastwick, Elin Nordegren, Elin Woods, ER, GE shareholder, George Lopez, Gossip Girl, Heidi Montag, Jay Leno, Jay Leno has Failed, Jay Leno ratings, Jeff Gaspin, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jill Kennedy, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, John Ferriter, Jon Stewart, Josefin Lonnborg, Julianna Margulies, Kate Gosselin, Khan Manka, Law & Order, Les Moonves, Manka Bros., Marc Graboff, Mark Steinberg, Nancy Tellum, Nikki Finke, Octomom, OnMedea, Paul Telegdy, Peter Roth, Producers Caucus Panel, Rory Sabbatini, Sharon Waxman, Spencer Pratt, Stephen Colbert, Stop all the clocks..., TCA Winter Press Tour, Terry Semel, The CW, The Hills, thewrap.com, Thomas Nordegren, Tiger Woods, Tony DiSanto, W.H. Auden, Warner Bros., William Morris EndeavorAs Tiger Woods slowly reemerges from hiding and Team-Tiger Damage Control goes full throttle, there is an interesting parallel to be made between the Tiger/Elin Woods drama and the NBC/Conan O’Brien drama (which cost all of us a few months out of our lives).

Imagine Conan and Elin on one side and Tiger, Jay Leno, Jeff Zucker and NBC and on the other.

The parallel begins with a couple of a wide-eyed youths – dreaming of the big time.

  • Elin: Is a nanny for a Swedish golf pro and hangs around a lot of single golfers on tour but really only imagines herself with one man… the crown jewel of golfers… Tiger Woods.

ABC, Angela Bromstad, Ari Emanuel, Barbro Holmberg, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Beverly Hills Hotel, Brian Roberts, CBS, Charlie Rose, Comcast, Conan O'Brien, CSI: NY, David Letterman, Dawn Ostroff, Deadline Hollywood, Dick Wolf, Eastwick, Elin Nordegren, Elin Woods, ER, GE shareholder, George Lopez, Gossip Girl, Heidi Montag, Jay Leno, Jay Leno has Failed, Jay Leno ratings, Jeff Gaspin, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jill Kennedy, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, John Ferriter, Jon Stewart, Josefin Lonnborg, Julianna Margulies, Kate Gosselin, Khan Manka, Law & Order, Les Moonves, Manka Bros., Marc Graboff, Mark Steinberg, Nancy Tellum, Nikki Finke, Octomom, OnMedea, Paul Telegdy, Peter Roth, Producers Caucus Panel, Rory Sabbatini, Sharon Waxman, Spencer Pratt, Stephen Colbert, Stop all the clocks..., TCA Winter Press Tour, Terry Semel, The CW, The Hills, thewrap.com, Thomas Nordegren, Tiger Woods, Tony DiSanto, W.H. Auden, Warner Bros., William Morris Endeavor———————————————————————–

  • Conan: Finally gets “The Tonight Show” in 2009 after slumming it for 16 years at 12:35am.
  • Elin: Finally gets a marriage proposal in 2004 from Tiger Woods after slumming it as a nanny for Jesper Parnevik’s kids.

———————————————————————–

  • Conan: Jay Leno retires from “The Tonight Show” and prepares to launch an ill-conceived prime time talk show – “The Jay Leno Show”Conan, believing NBC’s promise, happily takes over the reigns of “The Tonight Show” and looks forward to a long and prosperous run as host.
  • Elin:  Tiger Woods retires from his crazy single days and prepares for an ill-conceived life of domestic bliss.  Elin, believing Tiger, happily sets up a life of wealth and prosperity (and has two children to complete the ideal picture).

———————————————————————–

  • Elin:  Tiger Woods crashes a Cadillac Escalade into a tree after Elin Woods decides to move a few of his teeth from the front to the back of his mouth with a 7 iron.

ABC, Angela Bromstad, Ari Emanuel, Barbro Holmberg, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Beverly Hills Hotel, Brian Roberts, CBS, Charlie Rose, Comcast, Conan O'Brien, CSI: NY, David Letterman, Dawn Ostroff, Deadline Hollywood, Dick Wolf, Eastwick, Elin Nordegren, Elin Woods, ER, GE shareholder, George Lopez, Gossip Girl, Heidi Montag, Jay Leno, Jay Leno has Failed, Jay Leno ratings, Jeff Gaspin, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jill Kennedy, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, John Ferriter, Jon Stewart, Josefin Lonnborg, Julianna Margulies, Kate Gosselin, Khan Manka, Law & Order, Les Moonves, Manka Bros., Marc Graboff, Mark Steinberg, Nancy Tellum, Nikki Finke, Octomom, OnMedea, Paul Telegdy, Peter Roth, Producers Caucus Panel, Rory Sabbatini, Sharon Waxman, Spencer Pratt, Stephen Colbert, Stop all the clocks..., TCA Winter Press Tour, Terry Semel, The CW, The Hills, thewrap.com, Thomas Nordegren, Tiger Woods, Tony DiSanto, W.H. Auden, Warner Bros., William Morris Endeavor————————————————————————

  • Conan: Begins to feel humiliated by rumors of Jay Leno returning to late night.
  • Elin: Begins to feel humiliated by rumors of Tiger Woods having 11 mistresses (6 of them ‘serious’).

————————————————————————

  • Elin: Rather than take the suck ass deal offered, Elin decides to hold out for $800 million!  Take that suckers.

———————————————————-
As for the future?  Here’s my guess:

  • Conan: Having finalized the divorce from NBC, agrees to a deal with TBS.
  • Elin: After finalizing the divorce from Tiger, agrees to go on a disastrous first date with Rory Sabbatini (or some other less successful golfer that wishes he was Tiger Woods).  She breaks her promise not to talk about Tiger’s affairs and loses everything.  The book doesn’t sell and she moves in with John Daly.

————————————————————–

Dear Elin:

Conan couldn’t in good conscious stay at NBC (even though his dream life went up in flames) and you can’t stay with Tiger (even though your dream life has gone up in flames).  Take the money and run to that house in Sweden.  You will have a better future.

Accel Partners, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Chris Hughes, David Kirkpatrick, Dustin Moskovitz, Eduardo Saverin, Gerald Levin, Greylock Partners, HBO, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Zucker, Jill Kennedy, Joanna Shields, Jon Miller, Khan Manka, Li Ka-shing, Manka Bros., Mark Cuban, Mark Zuckerberg, Matt Cohler, MySpace, Nicolas Carlson, OnMedea, Owen Van Natta, Paul Buchheit, Peter Thiel, Rupert Murdoch, Sheryl Sandberg, Sumner Redstone, Toy Story 3Jill Kennedy – OnMedea

Letterman vs. Leno

ABC, Angela Bromstad, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Beverly Hills Hotel, Brian Roberts, CBS, Charlie Rose, Comcast, Conan O'Brien, CSI: NY, David Letterman, Dawn Ostroff, Deadline Hollywood, Dick Wolf, Eastwick, ER, GE shareholder, George Lopez, Gossip Girl, Jay Leno, Jay Leno has Failed, Jay Leno ratings, Jeff Gaspin, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jill Kennedy, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, John Ferriter, Jon Stewart, Julianna Margulies, Kate Gosselin, Khan Manka, Law & Order, Les Moonves, Manka Bros., Marc Graboff, Nancy Tellum, Nikki Finke, Octomom, OnMedea, Paul Telegdy, Peter Roth, Producers Caucus Panel, Sharon Waxman, Stephen Colbert, Stop all the clocks..., TCA Winter Press Tour, Terry Semel, The CW, thewrap.com, W.H. Auden, Warner Bros., William Morris EndeavorABC, Angela Bromstad, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Beverly Hills Hotel, Brian Roberts, CBS, Charlie Rose, Comcast, Conan O'Brien, CSI: NY, David Letterman, Dawn Ostroff, Deadline Hollywood, Dick Wolf, Eastwick, ER, GE shareholder, George Lopez, Gossip Girl, Jay Leno, Jay Leno has Failed, Jay Leno ratings, Jeff Gaspin, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jill Kennedy, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, John Ferriter, Jon Stewart, Julianna Margulies, Kate Gosselin, Khan Manka, Law & Order, Les Moonves, Manka Bros., Marc Graboff, Nancy Tellum, Nikki Finke, Octomom, OnMedea, Paul Telegdy, Peter Roth, Producers Caucus Panel, Sharon Waxman, Stephen Colbert, Stop all the clocks..., TCA Winter Press Tour, Terry Semel, The CW, thewrap.com, W.H. Auden, Warner Bros., William Morris EndeavorThe Conan exit deal is done – probably the largest payout in television history for someone averaging a 2.5 rating.

It is presumed he will go to Fox and get a 2.0 rating at 11:00 (my guess is reruns of The Simpsons on local affiliates do better than that).

So, with apologies to Jimmy Kimmel, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, George Lopez, Charlie Rose, etc., it comes down, once again, to Letterman vs. Leno.

Who will win the ratings battle (long-term) once they resume head-to-head competition March 1, 2010?

It’s very simple:
Jay Leno wins – without a doubt.

ABC, Angela Bromstad, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Beverly Hills Hotel, Brian Roberts, CBS, Charlie Rose, Comcast, Conan O'Brien, CSI: NY, David Letterman, Dawn Ostroff, Deadline Hollywood, Dick Wolf, Eastwick, ER, GE shareholder, George Lopez, Gossip Girl, Jay Leno, Jay Leno has Failed, Jay Leno ratings, Jeff Gaspin, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jill Kennedy, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, John Ferriter, Jon Stewart, Julianna Margulies, Kate Gosselin, Khan Manka, Law & Order, Les Moonves, Manka Bros., Marc Graboff, Nancy Tellum, Nikki Finke, Octomom, OnMedea, Paul Telegdy, Peter Roth, Producers Caucus Panel, Sharon Waxman, Stephen Colbert, Stop all the clocks..., TCA Winter Press Tour, Terry Semel, The CW, thewrap.com, W.H. Auden, Warner Bros., William Morris EndeavorHere’s why:

DEMOGRAPHICS: Late night talk show viewers are not the Taco-Bell-eating slacker college students that most of these hosts think they’re ‘in touch with’.  That demo is watching The Daily Show, Colbert, Adult Swim or they’re online or playing video games (maybe they’re not consuming any media and are out pounding drinks and, God willing, conversing with the opposite sex).  So, older viewers are watching Jay and Dave – and older viewers prefer Jay.  It’s warm and safe television with Headlines and JaywalkingDave is ‘too edgy’ for older America, even in his advanced years.

VACATION: Jay is notorious for working 46-48 weeks a year.  Dave works… less than that.  Even if Dave wins the first few weeks after Jay returns in March (as expected), Jay will pick up viewers once Dave goes on his first long vacation.

WORK ETHIC: While I am not doubting that Dave works very hard to put on his show four nights a week, Jay is indefatigable.  He always seems to be out with the public, doing stand-up, corporate events, car shows… almost anything the network asks him to do.  Jay has a high visibility factor that Dave… doesn’t have.  (Not that you need that to succeed – Johnny Carson was a painfully shy recluse and did just fine.)  However, when you’re trying to win back the hearts and minds of your viewers, being visible with “your public” can go a long way.

ABC, Angela Bromstad, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Beverly Hills Hotel, Brian Roberts, CBS, Charlie Rose, Comcast, Conan O'Brien, CSI: NY, David Letterman, Dawn Ostroff, Deadline Hollywood, Dick Wolf, Eastwick, ER, GE shareholder, George Lopez, Gossip Girl, Jay Leno, Jay Leno has Failed, Jay Leno ratings, Jeff Gaspin, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jill Kennedy, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, John Ferriter, Jon Stewart, Julianna Margulies, Kate Gosselin, Khan Manka, Law & Order, Les Moonves, Manka Bros., Marc Graboff, Nancy Tellum, Nikki Finke, Octomom, OnMedea, Paul Telegdy, Peter Roth, Producers Caucus Panel, Sharon Waxman, Stephen Colbert, Stop all the clocks..., TCA Winter Press Tour, Terry Semel, The CW, thewrap.com, W.H. Auden, Warner Bros., William Morris EndeavorHISTORY: Jay Leno has been a consistent ratings winner for 17 years.  Yes, bad press and public sentiment has damaged that but most of Jay’s fans could care less about ‘The Tonight Show’ debacle (though, I think everyone would love to see Jeff Zucker get fired).

Finally, Jay spent 20 years in comedy clubs across the country before getting ‘The Tonight Show’ and he cut his teeth in that ruthless, back-stabbing world.  If he survived the shit that went on in those clubs, he can survive almost anything.

Dave did quite a bit of stand-up in the 1970s, yes, but never really immersed himself into that world.  Being a great comic was not on his radar.  He has always been perceived (as he wished) as a TV guy.

Jay is a comic first and a TV guy next – which is why his fans keep watching – they simply want to hear jokes on ‘The Tonight Show’ told by a comic and not just a “funny person” doing bits.

Accel Partners, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Chris Hughes, David Kirkpatrick, Dustin Moskovitz, Eduardo Saverin, Gerald Levin, Greylock Partners, HBO, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Zucker, Jill Kennedy, Joanna Shields, Jon Miller, Khan Manka, Li Ka-shing, Manka Bros., Mark Cuban, Mark Zuckerberg, Matt Cohler, MySpace, Nicolas Carlson, OnMedea, Owen Van Natta, Paul Buchheit, Peter Thiel, Rupert Murdoch, Sheryl Sandberg, Sumner Redstone, Toy Story 3Jill Kennedy – OnMedea

P.S. – Where were all these new Conan fans when he really needed them – over the summer when he started hosting The Tonight Show?  If he had the ratings then that he has now – there is no controversy.  Jay would be out and Conan would be in.

Jay Leno and NBC: Damage Control Begins

OK.  So Conan is gone.  Jay is back at 11:35.  What’s next? Damage control.

Over the next few weeks, we can expect to see NBC Universal’s ‘A Team’ of publicists begin the seemingly impossible task of resuscitating the images of Jay Leno, The Tonight Show and NBC.

The Winter Olympics couldn’t have come at a better time to provide a necessary distraction – and it allows NBC Universal’s corporate publicists an extra two weeks to rebuild NBC’s shattered image.

ABC, Angela Bromstad, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Beverly Hills Hotel, Brian Roberts, CBS, Comcast, Conan O'Brien, CSI: NY, Dawn Ostroff, Deadline Hollywood, Dick Wolf, Eastwick, ER, GE shareholder, Gossip Girl, Haitian food delivery, Jay Leno, Jay Leno has Failed, Jay Leno ratings, Jeff Gaspin, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jill Kennedy, Jimmy Fallon, John Ferriter, Julia Roberts, Julianna Margulies, Kate Gosselin, Khan Manka, Law & Order, Manka Bros., Marc Graboff, Nikki Finke, Octomom, OnMedea, Paul Telegdy, Peter Roth, phoenix rising from the ashes, Producers Caucus Panel, Sharon Waxman, Stop all the clocks..., TCA Winter Press Tour, Terry Semel, The CW, thewrap.com, Tom Hanks, Tonight Show With Jay Leno, W.H. Auden, Warner Bros., William Morris EndeavorSo, here’s what needs to be done:

Step 1: Jeff Zucker must be fired.  Regardless of what really happened behind the scenes, his name is synonymous with the total failure of NBC and it is perceived by the public that he is the main reason the Conan/Jay issue became such a mess.  The fact that he actually believed the best way to handle the situation was to attack Conan O’Brien illustrates his complete inability to manage a crisis.

This is not someone that Comcast needs at the top of the new company to be formed and it’s, frankly, not someone that anyone needs (unless he wants to go join his buddy Ben Silverman in his soon-to-be failed company – Electus). That would be fine with me.

ABC, Angela Bromstad, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Beverly Hills Hotel, Brian Roberts, CBS, Comcast, Conan O'Brien, CSI: NY, Dawn Ostroff, Deadline Hollywood, Dick Wolf, Eastwick, ER, GE shareholder, Gossip Girl, Haitian food delivery, Jay Leno, Jay Leno has Failed, Jay Leno ratings, Jeff Gaspin, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jill Kennedy, Jimmy Fallon, John Ferriter, Julia Roberts, Julianna Margulies, Kate Gosselin, Khan Manka, Law & Order, Manka Bros., Marc Graboff, Nikki Finke, Octomom, OnMedea, Paul Telegdy, Peter Roth, phoenix rising from the ashes, Producers Caucus Panel, Sharon Waxman, Stop all the clocks..., TCA Winter Press Tour, Terry Semel, The CW, thewrap.com, Tom Hanks, Tonight Show With Jay Leno, W.H. Auden, Warner Bros., William Morris EndeavorStep 2: Provide tons of food aid to Haitian earthquake victims (with the optional The Tonight Show With Jay Leno branding on each bag).   It’s hard for late night comedians to make fun of someone who is providing real help to people in desperate need.

Step 3:
Develop really good / meaningful shows and stick with them even if the ratings aren’t there.  While this may result in lower profits in the short-term, NBC needs to convince viewers that they are capable of producing quality entertainment and don’t just make crappy shows about who can lose the most weight.

That’s it.  Jay will go back on at 11:35 and will most likely become #1 again in a month or so.  Major stars will not boycott Jay because the late night shows are vital to the promotion of their upcoming films and television series.

Sure, right now everyone is on Conan’s side but once Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts have films to promote, they’ll be right there back on Jay’s couch.  Without a doubt.

If these steps are taken, NBC should be in a pretty good position when they announce their fall 2010 shows at the May upfronts.

However, if Step 1 is ignored – all bets are off.

Accel Partners, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Chris Hughes, David Kirkpatrick, Dustin Moskovitz, Eduardo Saverin, Gerald Levin, Greylock Partners, HBO, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Zucker, Jill Kennedy, Joanna Shields, Jon Miller, Khan Manka, Li Ka-shing, Manka Bros., Mark Cuban, Mark Zuckerberg, Matt Cohler, MySpace, Nicolas Carlson, OnMedea, Owen Van Natta, Paul Buchheit, Peter Thiel, Rupert Murdoch, Sheryl Sandberg, Sumner Redstone, Toy Story 3Jill Kennedy – OnMedea

Jeff Immelt, Brian Roberts: Jeff Zucker Has Got To Go

ABC, Angela Bromstad, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Beverly Hills Hotel, Brian Roberts, CBS, Comcast, Conan O'Brien, CSI: NY, Dawn Ostroff, Deadline Hollywood, Dick Wolf, Eastwick, ER, GE shareholder, Gossip Girl, Jay Leno, Jay Leno has Failed, Jay Leno ratings, Jeff Gaspin, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jill Kennedy, Jimmy Fallon, John Ferriter, Julianna Margulies, Kate Gosselin, Khan Manka, Law & Order, Manka Bros., Marc Graboff, Nikki Finke, Octomom, OnMedea, Paul Telegdy, Peter Roth, Producers Caucus Panel, Sharon Waxman, Stop all the clocks..., TCA Winter Press Tour, Terry Semel, The CW, thewrap.com, W.H. Auden, Warner Bros., William Morris Endeavor
ABC, Angela Bromstad, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Beverly Hills Hotel, Brian Roberts, CBS, Comcast, Conan O'Brien, CSI: NY, Dawn Ostroff, Deadline Hollywood, Dick Wolf, Eastwick, ER, GE shareholder, Gossip Girl, Jay Leno, Jay Leno has Failed, Jay Leno ratings, Jeff Gaspin, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jill Kennedy, Jimmy Fallon, John Ferriter, Julianna Margulies, Kate Gosselin, Khan Manka, Law & Order, Manka Bros., Marc Graboff, Nikki Finke, Octomom, OnMedea, Paul Telegdy, Peter Roth, Producers Caucus Panel, Sharon Waxman, Stop all the clocks..., TCA Winter Press Tour, Terry Semel, The CW, thewrap.com, W.H. Auden, Warner Bros., William Morris EndeavorSo… the top brass at NBC Universal just waited and waited just to see how things would play out – and now the shareholders of GE and Comcast (of which I am one) have a major Zucker problem on their hands.  There is really only one solution at this point:  Zucker must be fired.

How did this man become a top executive in one of the largest media companies in the world without having a clue as to what is going on around him?

About a week ago, I said very specifically what Jeff Zucker needed to do to fix The Jay Leno Show debacle.  I even wrote out his opening remarks to the press.

ABC, Angela Bromstad, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Beverly Hills Hotel, Brian Roberts, CBS, Comcast, Conan O'Brien, CSI: NY, Dawn Ostroff, Deadline Hollywood, Dick Wolf, Eastwick, ER, GE shareholder, Gossip Girl, Jay Leno, Jay Leno has Failed, Jay Leno ratings, Jeff Gaspin, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jill Kennedy, Jimmy Fallon, John Ferriter, Julianna Margulies, Kate Gosselin, Khan Manka, Law & Order, Manka Bros., Marc Graboff, Nikki Finke, Octomom, OnMedea, Paul Telegdy, Peter Roth, Producers Caucus Panel, Sharon Waxman, Stop all the clocks..., TCA Winter Press Tour, Terry Semel, The CW, thewrap.com, W.H. Auden, Warner Bros., William Morris EndeavorBut this was ignored (granted, he may not even know OnMedea exists) and now it has become a PR disaster.  Does he not see the total public support for Conan now that he is “the victim”?  Not that Zucker gives a shit about public opinion – if he did, maybe NBC wouldn’t consistently be the #4 network.

Conan didn’t have to be “the victim”.  He could have been portrayed as a “Wall Street bank” like Goldman Sachs or JPMorgan – who just got a $65 million payout bonus for doing no work.

Here’s a statement that should have been read two weeks ago:  “We are canceling ‘The Jay Leno Show‘ and moving Jay back to ‘The Tonight Show‘ where he belongs – and where he was #1 for many years.  Conan O’Brien has been a valuable member of the NBC family, but the ratings at 11:30 were not what we had hoped.  However, we have made things right with Conan and paid out his contract – $65 million – and wish him luck wherever he may go next.”

Done.

ABC, Angela Bromstad, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Beverly Hills Hotel, Brian Roberts, CBS, Comcast, Conan O'Brien, CSI: NY, Dawn Ostroff, Deadline Hollywood, Dick Wolf, Eastwick, ER, GE shareholder, Gossip Girl, Jay Leno, Jay Leno has Failed, Jay Leno ratings, Jeff Gaspin, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jill Kennedy, Jimmy Fallon, John Ferriter, Julianna Margulies, Kate Gosselin, Khan Manka, Law & Order, Manka Bros., Marc Graboff, Nikki Finke, Octomom, OnMedea, Paul Telegdy, Peter Roth, Producers Caucus Panel, Sharon Waxman, Stop all the clocks..., TCA Winter Press Tour, Terry Semel, The CW, thewrap.com, W.H. Auden, Warner Bros., William Morris EndeavorBut no, team Zucker (which includes the newly-installed Jeff Gaspinthat press conference on Sunday was a textbook on how not to handle something) decided to insult Conan by giving the failed Jay Leno the coveted 11:35pm time slot (a decision I agree with from a ratings / business standpoint) and asking Conan to move back to 12:05amConan should have been let go (the ratings WERE bad) and he should have been given HIS FULL PAYOUT.  Simple.  No PR disaster.

Now that little Zucker has insulted Conan AGAIN by saying he will keep him off the air for 3 1/2 years because “he failed to live up to his promise to me.”  Are you fucking kidding me?   Basta!

So… Jeff Immelt and Brian Roberts – as a GE and Comcast shareholder – I would ask that you please end this ridiculous, horribly managed crisis by firing Jeff Zucker – not when the Comcast acquisition goes through – now.

Accel Partners, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Chris Hughes, David Kirkpatrick, Dustin Moskovitz, Eduardo Saverin, Gerald Levin, Greylock Partners, HBO, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Zucker, Jill Kennedy, Joanna Shields, Jon Miller, Khan Manka, Li Ka-shing, Manka Bros., Mark Cuban, Mark Zuckerberg, Matt Cohler, MySpace, Nicolas Carlson, OnMedea, Owen Van Natta, Paul Buchheit, Peter Thiel, Rupert Murdoch, Sheryl Sandberg, Sumner Redstone, Toy Story 3Jill Kennedy – OnMedea