The Cabin In The Woods

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

“Previews.”

“Trailers” (as in the industry the name is whispered).

“Coming Attractions” to the elderly who are always cold and cry at the loudness of noise (and smell like liver sausage, if lucky).

No matter the calling of the things, they are evil.

Ruining movies is the job of them.

Show every damn good thing to see in 2 minutes 30 seconds.

Just like “The Cabin In The Woods”, right?

No!

The opposite of right!

A horror movie that was totally whack (get it?)!  People over 30 – that means it was good, in Finland.

Plot?

Who cares!

In the woods go the nubile teenagers.

Creepy local dude.

Pot (not mine – kossu shots only this night, right Kyrle?).  Oh, with guys at Mission Control…MISSION CONTROL?!?!?!?  WTF?!?!?!?

Then nudity.

Crazy crap happens.

Death of people.

Boobs.

Funny jokes.

More pot.

Cellar that should below Rob Zombie’s house live.

And real zombies.  This is the shit.  Truly.

How can I blather without spoilers?  Cannot happen.

So this.  This acting rules the world of acting.

Any film of horror with Richard Jenkins (he was awesome in “Let Vampires In Your House”) must be eye balled.

Teamed him with Bradley Whitford?  Best horror ever.

The boobs of Anna Hutchison?  If there was Boob Acting award she just won two (or does the pair count as one?  My mind reels.).  Especially with her tonguing of the ex-wolf.

Lucky ex-wolf.

Thor (Chris Hemsworth) should be allowed to live (until stinking pile “The Avengers” is released – then the fatwa is back in force).

Then arrives the Kimmo alter-ego, played by Fran Kranz.  He smokes the pot almost with as much puffing as me.  Clouds were created.  Warping of minds – and a bong that made me smile.

My respect is his.  And my jealousy.

Finally, there is the hot, hot, hot Kristen Connolly (if by hot in English means “looks weird but I still got a boner”).  She would be worthy of a date by a warrior-blood filled man… me.

I would ask, “Do you have any Finn in you?”  “No” she says.  Then I would say, “Would you like some?”

I laugh at my joke!  Works every time (except for the times of failure).

Side note:  Japanese couple who must buy entire snack bar to watch a movie – divide the fucking food up before you enter the theater.  Then your gaping mouth holes don’t have to flap and flap and flap, pissing off all the people in the ten foot hearing area of your grating voices.  If the Norse Gods would have had a say you would now be below Midgard and being in Hel tortured.  Kind of like the movie you could not stay silent in and watch (jerk-offs!).  I hate you (not all Japanese, just in theater talking Japanese assholes).

I feel better.

So… two thumbs sticking up as hard as my little Kimmo seeing the young doomed boobs.

M. Night Shamalyanyaynan (whatever) needs to see “The Cabin In The Woods” to know how to blow minds.  The trailer tried to screw my fun place but there was more to be seen.

Ha, Hollywood!  You have been defeated!

Until I have to sit though “The Lucky One” – my vomiting will be your victory.

Damn.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S.  I am in great love with “Game of Thrones.”  Manly love.  Question – if you could be as smart as The Imp and drink wine like a wine drinking fish and get to sex up large boob-ed prostitute women (without the falling off of your dick), would you still be okay with life as a dwarf?  Kimmo would!  Please answer in comments below!