Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
With Wit, Reviewed by Kimmo Mustonenen
Times are things that make men weep.
Most men.
Not Finns.
We are not the weeping types for being told “no” to World Cupping.
They let the Swedes (bastards) World Cup.
More than once (but not this time – take that, Swedes).
But we need no World Cupping.
We Finns can Cup for ourselves.
Sunday I will not be World Cupping.
I’ll be drinking kossu, smoking the sweet, sweet smoke and going back to see the greatest movie ever made – “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.”
Yes.
It is.
See for yourself.
Plot? Do monkeys poop in their hands?
You bet!
Ten years have come and gone and come. Monkey flu is the worse than a plague, yet plague-like in the killing.
499 of every 500 people – dead.
Real estate is now affordable in San Francisco (plague, please come to Los Angeles, too – I cannot for now afford to live in the Malibu – my dream of dreams – it is filled with fully figured actresses).
San Fran is in the shitter – with no electricity.
Humans Malcolm (Jason Clarke) and his bulge making woman Ellie (Kerri Russell – Kerri, if you ask I’ll send you my digits for that we may date so that I can have a bulge, too, if you know what I mean – I say this to you while winking seductively) are tasked by crazy eyeballed Dreyfus (Gary Oldman) to rebuild super electric hydro damn (Super Electric Hydro Damn will be my 10cc cover band) to bring back property value to the Bay.
In the way are monkeys of many flavors. Chimp monkeys. Orangutan monkeys. Bonobo monkeys.
But not THE Monkees. That would have been the shit, but distracting, so only full body hair monkeys make the cut.
They are ape shit crazy (get it?) but can talk and ride on the horses.
They hunt elk, but are monkeys, so they fight a bear. The bear gets bitch-slapped to the dirt.
“Fuck you, bear” say the apes.
The cool monkey leader, Caesar (Andy Serkis – really in green body suit covered with ping pong balls running around a green screen world – which would be so the awesome when high) says, “OK humans, just mess with the dam, or we will poop in our hands and throw it at you.”
Caesar’s best monkey pal Koba (Toby Kebbell – also in green body suit, etc., etc.) says, “Eff that C, we’re gonna use poop guns to knock you human clowns off the planet, yo!”
The war is on.
How good is Ape vs. Human war?
I forgot to drink my kossu for an hour.
An hour!
Same with my weed.
How the hell is this a possible? But it was.
CGI is better than reality here (I said this – CGI is now not always the suck). Apes were more awesomer than people.
This shit is real, friend.
Believe it now. It will mess with the wet organ that is your brain.
So, two thumbs wishing that I was a poop throwing ape on the big screen.
See this movie today.
Then see it yesterday (but you cannot) and again tomorrow (this is possible).
It will be worth every penny (or $16 if in 3D).
“Dawn of the Planet of the Apes” – best picture of 2014. Book it!
Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium
P.S. “Orphan Black” has blown my mind stem. Clone Tatiana Maslany and bring me four of her. Then I would not need Malibu. My Chatsworth apartment would be heaven, except in Chatsworth. Oh, yes – this I dream. You should dream it, too. Kimmo has spoken (with typing).
HEAR/WATCH KIMMO’S REVIEW HERE:
Well, that’s it. I’m in. Anything that can keep me from smoking weed for an hour must be pretty amazing.
I can’t wait to see this movie. Peter Tork is amazing. I hope Ceasar kills Auntie Grazelda. She’s a human this world can do without.
P.S. Kimmo, your English is improving. I can almost understand everything you’re saying. On with the Kassu and your sweet, sweet smoke. I, on the other hand, prefer the eats. And whiskey. Lots of it. And fuck the world cup.
Best review ever. I can’t be kept away from this movie.