Cinderella

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I have for a while, been away.

Not for purpose, but because damn dumb bad.

I had measles.

Not any measles.

Disneyland Measles.

Some disease child left his funk on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride and then I was with the infection.  Or maybe it was stupid Tea Cups (they are good for nothing).

Damn. I was with icky red spots covered – as if a jar of jam had exploded and vaporized over my body – but not delicious.

All that was delicious was the Kossu I drank by the liter, putting out my jam inspired skin fire.

For weeks I got to think, “why were my parents in my baby pooping times dirty hippies living in North Finland commune?”

As is known to all not dirty hippies, they don’t put dead or weak viruses in their children. They are too high to worry about science. Or bathing. Or shaving arm pits.

But mainly science.

When my parents became clean and with jobs again and now being good society people (but still high) they forgot that I never had the only needle that I wanted for germ killing.

So, at the Happiest Place on Earth (no way really, best happy place is Six Flags “Now We Puke With Our New Hispanic Friends” Magic Mountain – just not on “Gang Night” – too many casualties) I get crappy Disneyland Measles.

And neither Kossu or the sweet, sweet smoke could made it OK.

But something just did make things OK.

Or someone.

And that someone was hot piece of 99% woman – she gave me the tingles. In my man place. And in my man mind.

She is Cinderella (Lily James).

Plot? Hells yeah, and more.

Lust and politics.

CGI mice.

Did I mention Lily James?

Poor Cinderella. She lives in Make Believe with Cool Dad (British Guy) and Hot Mom (British Chick).

In Make Believe, the 99% live in McMansions and have servants. But they want to be the 2%, like Prince Kit (Rob Stark).

Prince Kit’s Dad (Derek Jacobi) wants Kit to marry into the 1%.

When Cool Dad and Hot Mom die, Cinderella is forced to live with Stepmother (MILF Cate Blanchett) and Step Sisters (bitch face women from “Fashion Police”, I think).

Her new family is the suck.

Cinderella is so effed up she is talking to mice, a stag, some lizards, a bird, and (gasp) even the help.

One day, while out on a horse (that she is not talking to), she runs into Mr. Stag. He’s all like “Rob Stark wants to gut me” and Cinderella is all like “No way, Jose. Light that rocket in your ass and jet on out.”

Mr. Stag is all like “Don’t have to say that twice girlfriend” and bounces.

Rob Stark shows up and is all like “Damn, girl, you are fine! And nice. You are mine.”

Cinderella is all like (in her mind thoughts) “Mmmm, mmm, mmm – we are gonna be getting’ busy… in our married future which may never come.”

What happens next? Smoke the smoke, drink the drink, request Uber, and GO TO THE MULTIPLEX.

PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE: Always smoke, always drink, and always Uber.  Kimmo approves of this message.

There are disappointments in Cinderella.

Rob Stark wears tight pants but they strap down his “Hamm-aconda” (Jon Hamm’s conjoined twin – groin beast – in “Mad Men” – it is legendary).

Now, it could be that Rob Stark isn’t packing… but we all know that is a damned liar lie. It would have been nice for the ladies.

So, I have two thumbs (and other things, I am winking at you with innuendo) straining to the CGI sky.

Cinderella is good.

No shit.

You may even have eye water leaks (damn romance stuff – maybe there was dust in the air).

See it, if you have a heart.

Kimmo Mustonenen – Kimmo On Kimmo – Behind The Proscenium

P.S.  “The 100!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Damn, Clarke. You are one stone cold-assed assassin. Now learn to forgive and go make out with Lexa. It is your destiny. And it will be appointment TV. At least in the house of Kimmo.

P.P.S.  Pete Carroll, you are owning me $500. Passing on the 1? With two time outs and Marshawn Lynch? Huh. Really. There is in Seattle Aquarium a hermit crab named Marshawn Pinch. This is the truth. Marshawn Pinch would have from the 1 scored. Damn.