Kimmo on Kino – Page 3 – Behind the Proscenium

November 16, 2012November 16, 2012

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2

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The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Son of a bitch.

Damn you, Mayans.

I, and the Earth, have lived to see what we wish the seeing of would not have happened.

Why not the end?

Sometimes the end is better than the being. But no.

My eyeballs have made my brain see “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2“. Electric Boogaloo.

That would have been the cool.

Odin. I have always been in service.

Oh, God of Cargo, I follow.

Since you were on the tree Yggdrasil attached to find the truth, to now.

But the pain.

Oh, Odin, the pain.

My eyes have been rubbed in shit. And that shit is “ The Twilight Saga: Breaking blah blah blah blah blah blah“.

Story? Really?

If this is for your interest for the reading there are many things:

1) I love this shit. Like the film Kimmo, like me, or you will the for the stalking like my 75 cats do to the poor back yard birds (this is for middle-age Twi-Fraus).

2) I love this shit. Like the film Kimmo, like me, because this was the first time that my parts that make of me a girl gave me a squirm – whatever team. Best movie since “Citizen Kane” or “The Notebook” (teenage Twi-tards – sorry for making the Citizen Kane reference – your tiny brains explode like insignificant lady fingers).

3) I love this shit. Like the film Kimmo. If I disagree my girlfriend handjobs may cease immediately (the horror – poor boyfriends of crazy chicks liking this thing movie crap).

4) This is stupid. Damn bad CGI movie mess that makes the smart dumb, and the rest shake the head and reach for the Kossu (normal people).

Here is some plot.

After the birth of her daughter, Renesmee, Bella slowly adapts to his new life with the help of vampire Edward.

Feeling threatened by the birth of a new genre, the Volturi declare war on the family Cullen.

To prepare their defense, Cullen will travel the world to bring together families and allied vampires try to push the Volturi in a final confrontation.

Wow! Wait, what?

Have there been worse films to let in my mind?

Of course, the first 500 movies of this franchise of suck.

“Freddie Got Fingered.”

Maybe that is the total. My brain reels. I wish for the end.

Odin, I hate for the being of the negative. But I knew.

The sweet smoke didn’t make things better.

The Kossu only brought sadness.

So, now, here we are. What more to say?

Two thumbs waiting for the end. For Ragnarok, if the Mayans cannot get their poop in order. Drooping down, waiting for the end.

At least this stream of shit is at an end (thoughts after visiting Acapulco – four days of hell – though Twilight was longer and hurt more).

You will see it if you want. If not, then not to see. Your minds are already in place for a decision. I cannot change that.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Fringe” makes no sense. Yet I do not care in my mind. The Observers are well dressed. The future should be so cool.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 [REVIEW]

October 26, 2012

Cloud Atlas [REVIEW]

Cloud Atlas

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

There are times when the sweet, sweet smoke must be smoked before the mind can accept strange.

You think “I understand anything and have the munchies.”

Other times Kossu is demanded for drink – sense must be made but you are more “I pretend to get it” and then “more Kossu, please” until the drunkening is achieved.

Now there is the “Cloud Atlas.”

Crazy novel.

Crazier film.

I must be for the admitting that my brain was blown.

Not by gunshot (not yet, thank Odin).

Not by crack whore (thanks again).

But by cinema.

Not since “Zardoz” has there been so much “huh?” in my thinking parts.

Let me explanation for you.

Tom Hanks plays many character people, some with latex (on his face, perverts!).

Halle Barry has also the many latex people to be – but not like Tom, she has bigger boobs.

Tom IS getting moobs, however, because he is getting the olds.

It is all of mankind’s future. Moobs. For men.

That is not discussed in the film.

Plot? You let me in the know – I was idea-less. I’ll try.

There are many stories, in many orders, none for the explaining (my mind is whacked).

First, the way back in the South Pacific and Hanks is a sailor man.

Then forward to the near past – we’re in England and guys argue about PBS music.

Then the really near past in San Francisco with Berry and her love puppies bouncing and in the investigation mode.

Then today with an old drooler stuck in the pre-morgue unhappily (stay off his lawn!).

Then the way future where ‘droids are less cool than “Star Wars” and are Korean-ese but played by white people (I think – CGI would make it possible).

Then, the way way future, where Hanks and Berry are post-apocalyptic – yet her headlamps still are ample.

Which is good.

Then back and forth and back and forth in time and space and then I doubt my own brain thoughts.

This is directed by Tom Tykwer (“You Better Run, Lola”) and the Brothers Wachowski (“Matrix” cool – other stuff is the suck) and one brother is a girl.

No wonder my thoughts cannot hug what my eyeballs tell them is real. For it is unreal.

So, plot? So you tell me.

But great? Pretty damn so.

My mind flies like a 9 year old boy seeing his first of the female nakedness – I am not understanding yet am standing in awe (but without the pants bone).

Both are terrific and at the time of seeing not understandable.

Yet again I must see. And again. Until I am busted (embarrassing when father finds your Playboy stash – but this film makes you cool, not shamed).

Two thumbs are in the air! What the hell did they see? A “wow, cool, what?” movie that is cool.

Hells yeah. I will see this many times, with the Cheetos and weed to make the understanding believable. It is the only way.

Go to your dispensary. Grab your pipe. Go see “Cloud Atlas.”

Really.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “American Horror Story – Asylum” is coooool. Adam Levine gets what he (for his Marooning 5 crimes) deserves. I smiled big!

October 19, 2012

Paranormal Activity 4 [REVIEW]

Paranormal Activity 4

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

*****SPOILER ALERT*****

Where could this possibly go?

#1 was near past.

#2 was near past and nearer past.

#3 was way back past.

#4 is the now (powered by iPhone and laptop).

More found footage.

More of the crazy that would put my body in a hotel but doesn’t affect dumb people.

My ears say a demon is walking around the house I run like a girl.

A fast girl!

If you are not having the viewing experience of “Paranormal Activity 1, 2, 3” read this no further. And why would you read about 4 if you haven’t seen the first three?

Are you drunk?

Are you high?

If “no” is answered get drunk or high and see 1 and 3 – read about 2 online (crap-fest I am wishing not to talk about, so I won’t – 2 sucked so hard it slurped and messed with the dog – no kidding).

Plot? Same as always.

As my fingers typed “Paranormal Activity 4” is the now time – if November 2011 is kind of the now time. No more California, but Nevada is where is Demon-town now. Henderson.

Mom and Dad (generic actors), cute adopted (holy sheet!) youngest Wyatt (Aiden Lovekamp), and hot (but of illegal young age, crap) Alex (Kathryn Newton). She is into the video of everything which is annoying.

All is happy… then creepiest of all kids, Robbie (Brady Allen) moves into the next door. He likes to shake hands, the freaky weirdo!

And he has a fork.

Alex computer talks with her sort of boyfriend Ben (Matt Shively). He sees creepy shit in the background places.

The coolest character is Kinect. You will see the meaning of this in the movie. Disco front room, with demon!

So, Paranormal checklist:

Creepy shadows doing the creeper in the background – check.

Something normal jumps into screen view, making you do a Cola spill on reviewer in front of you (and wow, was he pissed)– check.

Characters not running away screaming but walking TOWARDS demon sounds – check.

Characters getting a lethal smack down like from the Shaq in his prime – check (poor Mom).

Loud footsteps like from the fat kid in the apartment of my upstairs – check.

Katie – check.

Someone’s neck broken, Chuck Norris style – check.

People being dragged around by unseen Demon strongman – check.

Sleeping person sheet removal with not waking- check.

Did I on the checklist miss anything? Add them to the comments below.

So, two really disappointed thumbs hanging down.

The want for good was there, just not the good. Even the Spanish crap crazy stuff after credit time was “meh.”

I was thinking series full circle coolness, but no. Just set up for sequel after sequel after sequel after sequel. A damn shame.

Save your money for the buying of smoke and Cheetos – let this be a mind film all of your own making in your head. It will be better than “Paranormal Activity 4”. Truth.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Revolution” makes no sense. And it is the suckage for acting. And writing. Off the DVR forever! Suck it, “Revolution”!

October 12, 2012

Sinister [REVIEW]

Sinister

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Horror in my belly pulls my testes into itself.

That is the point.

Horror must make one as uncomfortableness than one can feel.

It is awesome.

It sucks.

It hurts so good that in the pants the shitting is welcomed.

Yes, that happens.

Unless the movie is the suck. Then the horror is not so horrible. Then the horror is the shit.

Shit, because not horrible. But still in the eyes. The eyes hold onto the pain.

But still…

“Sinister.”

There are grisly murders at the property of the Ellison guy (Ethan Hawke) but the deaths and the disappearance of another daughter (his family?) are with a murder series linked.

Found footage (fuck you, Paranormal Activitiy!)

Then there are slayings and abductions, but only for the children. Parents are for the dying.

But then the writer’s nightmares are worse than the writing.

WTF?!?

Horror is the suck. Nothing is new. Best movie to scare a turd out of me is “The Exorcist“. The like will never again be seen. First half hour, getting to know the family. THEN the shit hits the fan.

We now care!

All of the new shit – horror porn. People ripped apart. Crazy Saw guy making people die as assholes. “Final Destination” bringing back Rube Goldberg to America (if Rube Goldberg is over your head kill yourself now, retard).

And then the found footage shit. Thanks “Blair Witch Project.” Style over good any day.

Crap.

Yet I still liked “Cloverfield“. Found footage doesn’t always swallow the suck.

Anyway, the fact that I thought Ethan Hawke was really Kevin Dillon made me think the dumb is now part of my forever mind. Son of a bitch.

So, one thumb totally confused, wishing it had to see “Argo.” The other thumb wondering where fucking hockey is.

I don’t get it. Play the games. The owners won last time, but now they must fight again? I wish I had a gun. One round for the Bettman. Then the rest for the owners. I kill you all.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Nashville” is the shit. That Hayden Dwarf chick is the hot. I would do her twice.

September 21, 2012September 21, 2012

Trouble With The Curve [REVIEW]

Trouble With The Curve

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Movies follow my life now.

Not as much as the “Millionaire Slum Dog,” but close.

Just the last week of my happening comes “The Master” and what the crazy Cruise/Travolta types tried to do when they attempted my mind screwing.

Now this.

Clint Eastwood is older than he should be.

He has the olds that bring the crazy.

My eye orbs were scorched with the sadness of the chair talking.

Why?

I remember my Uncle Jaarko in the final Kossu madness frenzy.

There were no chairs, only a fishing boat. Jaarko stared at the boat, and with his mouth foaming the mouth juice yelled, “Boat, if you stare at me for another minute I will rip you back to wood!” In his crazy mind place, the boat answered.

What it, the staring boat said, only pickle-minded Jaarko could ever answer.

But he is dead.

This was my life.

And now, for weeks counted to number two in a row, my past is my now.

Son of a bitch.

This week the thing that puts the “I know that old and death are like taxes” in my mind front is “Trouble With The Curve.”

I look at the man who was the badass mo-fo in “Unforgivable.” Asses, both cheeks, had the kicking.

“Outlaw Josey Wales.” “Dirty Harry.” “The Good, the Bad, and Eli Wallach.”

Now babbling like three-year-old ice cream screamer, still looking like the icon-man, almost reduced to joking old guy who drives his car into people now dead in Santa Monica (Google it if your mind is unable to recall).

“I was trying for my brakes!”

No, you had nothing right in your head. You can’t tell your brakes from your ass. Yet you remember January 7^th, 1958 in detail that is perfect.

Time has taken its toll.

Youth is over. It is fleeting. It is rarely appreciated.

So, our hero people, we wish them to forever to be ass-kickingly beautiful. With muscles that pop out like a squeezy toy.

Because if they never crap the pants, get covered with spots, drool like the monkey – how can it happen to us?

So when the crazy comes, it is that our hero is finally losing the fight. This is not possible. This is not us

But it is. God dammit.

So, while the fun is made (and I was at the T.V. party watching things Conventionally and howling like the next guy at Eastwood being the orangutan – minus the turd flinging, at least literally) we see the mortality that turns us all into smelly meat boiling in the dirt.

Where goes the soul? What did I do to make the remembrance of me? Who will give a fuck about Kimmo if he laughs at our past icon?

Omega Man (and Soylent Green and Will Penny, his name escapes my thought parts – see these films) also had his mind become cheese.

Did that lessen his earlier stuff of importance (marching with Martin Luther in the Reformation, yelling at the damn dirty apes)?

God, the hope is NO.

If our Kossu late life madness is our definition, let me die tonight – or let me disappear into a sweet smoke haze somewhere inHelsinki where I cannot be judged and die in peace.

Shit. I did not do a movie analysis. Life is bigger than the cinema. But much shorter.

But… I liked it (the cinema film). I had a pain near my heart that I was in my eyes seeing the last of a hero of a generation.

Amy Adams, great. Justin Timberlake (I am jealous of his way), great.

Clint Eastwood. Great actor. Great director. Now old guy. As we all will be. Old guy, anyway, me.

Again, son of a bitch.

So, two thumbs filled with melancholy yet straining to the sky while my face rain from my eyes fell and made my pants look like the pee stain I will make at 85. I will see “Trouble With The Curve” at least more than once.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Kyrle tells me that meandering will be the firing. So next week, a review that will “Ain’t It Cool” be talked to.

P.S. “The Voice” is back! I think Blake Shelton likes more booze than Kimmo! Is that possible? Go Blake!

September 14, 2012September 14, 2012

The Master [REVIEW]

The Master

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I was audited.

Not by the sucking of blood monsters – the IRS assholes.

That is numbers.

Easy are the numbers. No.

They tried to audit my brain stem.

Walking down Hollywood Boulevard see the hotness. She stands, nearly perfect, handing out a tiny paper for the handing out.

“Free auditing” it says.

“Go further into the Hollywood heart” or something like that. I cannot resist her boobishness (they were magnificent).

So I go. Free audit is cool!

They give me a “Test of Your Personality” instead.

I hold “the cans.”

My mind cries “what the fuck?” but it is too late.

I can be a better man, if only I have the money.

I will never get near perfect handing out of paper girl. She was the meat to attract this Finnish bear-man (not gay bear, you may understand my mouth from brain thoughts, or not).

I become aware of the thought that I’m surrounded by Scientologists.

Son of a bitch.

To them I lived 75 million years ago (thank you, internet research! You saved me millions of dollars!).

Xenu – the asshole of the story brings me to Earth flying on a 1950s Earth plane.

OK.

Then into a volcano, like a virgin whose meat curtains are intact, I am flung.

Then the bombing of the nuclear stuff. Boom!

We are all dead and floaty in space. Ghosts of space. Until onto bodies we cling, like ticks, or whores in Vegas with the money to make.

If I give up Kossu and the sweet weed my life will expand into others and money, greatness, and the ability to live in a closet (with Top Gun) will be mine.

Why this sharing of intimate and things that are close to my mind?

I just saw “The Master” and it is almost documentary in its truth.

The Cause is a front – cult to those who know what is a cult. No cans to hold on with hands, but Amy Adams… that is a rocker!

Plot? Totally in the face it comes!

First, Paul Thomas Anderson leads us in charming expressive fragments of the history of his protagonist Freddie Quell (Joaquin Phoenix) in mind.

Bird’s-eye view we see him on a warship with the noise and tries last night sleep high above the deck on a platform, from below him a bunch of sailors who party like sailors keep his awake.

The Second World War is over, Freddie is an alcoholic. Who isn’t?

A psychiatric admission and several jobs later, he is to have a drunk Lancaster Dodd (Philip Seymour Hoffman) encounter, again on a boat.

Freddie follows, Lancaster is the leader.

Freddie has problems with Lancaster.

Lancaster has problems with Freddie.

There are motorcycles and a cool big boat on the floating of water.

And again, Amy Adams (yee haw!).

Much is happening.

Then it all arrives at basically “what the hell did my eyeballs just let enter my head?” And yet, awesome.

It has the look of well lit candy. Beautiful.

I need no sense to enter my mind parts. It is just good and cool.

So, two thumbs up, though slightly confused… the thumbs. Like the rest of my body parts.

Except for another part that is always up for Amy Adams. Heh.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Americahas gone to the dogs (this will be every headline, but I am always first)! At least on “America’s Got Talent.” Go, go you Olate Dogs! They know more tricks than a Kardashian whore with Ray J pretending that the camera was less than on. Again – go, go you dogs. Kardashians? Kiss my ass.

September 7, 2012September 7, 2012

The Words [REVIEW]

The Words

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

For the critic of the film there is always the hope, “please Odin, let this be the one.

The great film of the year!”

Then the thoughts crawl into the reality space and think “at least be the one that entertains my brain and makes me think of the movie and not running with the screams out of the theater.”

Then the thoughts go to “please don’t let this movie be a fart in my mouth hole – I hope I put another bottle of Kossu in the freezer, just in case.”

Finally the thoughts are “Odin, if you end my life now at least the pain won’t last like that of “Transformers 3” – do I need sweet smoke from the dispensary to dull the horror ache and so I can also soothe my hurt with Cheetos?”

Crappy honest truth: 1^st thoughts happen 2% of time, 2^nd thoughts 10%, 3^rd thoughts 65%, and 4^th thoughts 23% (Intern – add up the numbers. I’m so high). The ratio is never to be betted on, yet I still take this paycheck.

I am a reviewer.

Today’s film? “The Words.”

“The Word” would have been better because it is shorter. But know, we are to suffer on “The Words.”

Plot? Too much. But like a Ukrainian nesting doll in the backwards. And not interesting, but not so bad for a fart in the mouth hole (my new ratings system!).

Spoiler Alerts!

We make start with the inside doll. An American soldier (Ben Barnes) who falls in love with a French barmaid (Nora Arnezeder) after one of the World Wars.

But this story is contained in doll #2 (number two – this is related to the fart) which is about Rory Jansen (Bradley Cooper – douche, but not like Shia) who writes a book that an award is put on, “The Window Tears.” Then another doll! The outside-est of the dolls.

This story is in the story of Clay Hammond (Dennis Quaid) and his book “The Words” (so clever!).

Olivia Wilde is involved, and doesn’t get naked. This made me sad.

BUT, in the #2 fart doll, Rory didn’t the writing of the book! Holy shit! Here comes Jeremy Irons!

Rory is in the big trouble.

End spoilers!

Go ahead and follow through on the spoiler reading. Then when the girlfriend makes you with eyes open watch this you can still sleep with your brain off.

Or think of the nakedness of Olivia Wilde that is not seen.

Whatever is for the floating of your boat.

For me, two thumbs just sitting like thumbs… thumbs staring at each other thinking “what the hell, thumb?”

Luckily for Kimmo, I found a Kossu flask in my jacket while this inside doll took up the screen. It was mostly full for 45 seconds, then mostly empty.

“The Words” was better for about 20 minutes.

Better yet? 3 hits of the sweet, sweet “Blue Dream” smoke.

And popcorn.

With that, one more brain attack by “Transformers 3′ can be handled.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Finally, that little mariachi elf from “America’s Got Talent” is gone. My hatred for him burned like white hot steel inside the Finnish sun on fire. It defined my existence. Without the elf and the hate my life is nothing. Until “The Voice.” Christina has the big ones. Two of them. Kimmo like.

August 31, 2012

Lawless [REVIEW]

Lawless

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Warning: This review was fueled by Kossu.

The shots were flowing into my stomach place, the sweet burn up into my brain stem, and then my brain thoughts shot out of the finger ends on the keyboard.

As it should be.

I went to the cinema with a fellow reviewer, Yves.

He is as much a foreign as I, but since he is French he is funny in America.

He would tell me over and again that in France Shia LaBeouf is really Shia “The Beef.”

I would say no, it is really Shia “The Douche.”

Yves laughed, then I laughed like a horse and the lovely Kossu shot straight from my mouth to out of my nostril area.

Pain. Delicious pain.

And I would tongue bathe the now salty Kossu (not good, do not try to shoot it out of the nasal) off of my upper lip and drink again.

Then one more shot. And again. I was wasted!

Plot? Yeah. Attention, be forewarned, “Lawless” is based on real events!

To contextualize the plot, narrator, protagonist of the story, informs you of immediately the rules – or rather the lack of rules – that takes place in Franklin County, Virginia in the early 1930s (wow, in “Lawless” the 30s sucked a giant wiener!).

Bondurant brothers are notorious bootleggers. The stakes are simple in a world without rules where the police are corrupt and justice sold, the three brothers “hold sway.”

Characterized without subtlety – the youngest is puny (“The Beef” is type-cast here – damn, another shot out of my nose) – the players will evolve gradually, as develops an adventure without surprise, to tend to be completely expected (and unsurprising).

Shia LaBeouf is absolutely not convincing in the role of the coward who becomes manly.

Tom Hardy (Bane! With a face to be seen!) and Jason Clarke embody their characters beyond the artificiality induced staging to be almost human.

Then they presents the majestic Jessica Chastain but is allowed to play nothing but a bore.

Why do women in movies like this only appear so that we want them to be naked? That would be great.

Note – Mia Wasikowska is the hotness. There should be more of the naked with her, too. In every movie that I ever have to see again.

God, make it so.

Not surprisingly, the female characters are hopelessly secondary and generate a dynamic of self-pity.

Why, why, why?

In short, John Hillcoat (director of the laugh riot fun fest “The Road”) book a gangster film with a pathetically inadequate story to the point of becoming ridiculous and women are for decoration.

Except for Mia Wasikowska. Decoration maybe, but I love her.

Lots of bang! Blood! Death!

People die for no reason. Characters never change.

Jessica Chastain takes her clothes off.

More bang (not guns)! More blood! More death!

This I learned of American History – in U.S.A.depression everything was brownish and dirty.

Everybody was on his body with a gun. And it was legal to shoot people.

Until Guy Pearce comes around and acts all weird.

Then there is MORE shooting. That is a lot of learning from one movie.

So, my smart thumb droops floor-ward.

My horny thumb thinks, “damn, this was good – put that Mia goddess in everything!” So that thumb strains for the ceiling (hubba hubba).

Should this be allowed to be seen by your eyes?

Do you have $10 to waste? Then go.

If there is anything else you can do with your limited time on Earth, do that instead.

Life is too fucking short.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. College football has returned. I now feel like an American from toe to top with my new love of the game! This “tailgating” is my new love thing. Fried meats, booze, dip, chips, booze, etc. If this in Finland was to exist we would all have frozen happily to death outside in the first blizzards of September! Hooray for warm America! And hooray for college football! Except for Alabama – you can suck it.

August 3, 2012August 3, 2012

Total Recall [REVIEW]

Total Recall

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Son of a bitch.

My working life is now my life of my life.

Sometimes the pain is so much, that there is howling where none is wanted.

Was I kicked in the right ball?

Stabbed in the lower right gut, pain flashing like a flashing pain light?

Made like the Lohan, when she moans the “Coke has run out” moan?

No.

Life life = kidney stone.

Pee that looks like oil of the motor, pain that is for the yelling until the sweet, sweet Dilauded in my new vein hole makes me the smiling man.

Pain is for the drug-free. I like drugs.

Work life = “Total Recall.”

Really?

Has the farting monkey classic “Ed” already been re-animated?

Hollywood, if there was a God with a shit to give you would all have the ball pain that made me Mr. Vicodin.

I think watching Colin Ferrell, take on the Arnold head a major crap, would have been O.K. if I was still Mr. Vicodin.

Or Mr. Kossu. Or Mr. Lemon Skunk Sativa.

Just being Mr. Kimmo made me cry.

Plot? There was one, in 1990. And it was good.

Now, white bread crap fest.

“Total Recall” and no Mars. I see.

Now is the time to re-do, yet take out all that made the first to be made.

Smart!

Sony, way to be!

Replace Arnold with boring Colin – check.

Replace Sharon Stone with a boring (but hot) vampire chick – check.

Interesting stuff replaced with same old crap – check.

Three-breasted woman – check.

I have seen the trailer – I have seen the movie.

Sony, my butt is for the kissing… get back there, pucker up, I like tongue!

That is all to say about this nothing pile. No reason to exist, no reason to write about it.

Rent it – smoke the sweet Sativa – eat Cheetos – maybe nap. Check out the Beckin-butt (Kate Beckinsale).

But… that is all.

Please Odin, give me another stone for the passing before my eyeballs must hurt my brain with another crappy re-do. Please.

Now, that is all.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. You, the children, who want to watch movies for the money all day and night like Kimmo? This is the shit that is your 90%. Study dentistry. Less pain all around.

P.P.S. Olympics. Why do the flippy pre-pubescent girls get the ratings? Why not the beach ladies with the ass crack assaulting shorts? That is entertainment! And Ryan Seacrest must be stopped. Before he multiplies! Hey Sony, there’s an idea that’s not a remake. Assholes.

July 26, 2012

The Watch [REVIEW]

The Watch

With Wit, Reviewed by Kimmo Mustonenen

The times that movies are not good are the long times.

We sit and wait.

Something must be better.

If not a plot or a funny, will the smoke make the bad the good?

Will an end come that is better than the beginning?

We hope.

We wait.

Mostly in vain.

Such it is with this dog poo stuck in the waffle tread of my cool Wolverines. It smells, it adheres and refuses to go away.

With a stick I dig, little flecks of “The Watch” leave my brain thoughts and flop to my carpet.

Then more for the digging of movie crap off of my sole.

And yet the smell of “The Watch” lives on up my nose-hole.

Can I not rid myself of the stink cloud? Perhaps shots of Kossu will clean my brain with sweet, sweet “I forget.”

But no.

What is seen cannot be unseen. What is smelled is forever in my nose front face.

Dammit.

I will put Kossu in my neti-pot and flush my mucus creators forever.

Who needs smell when smell is now always crap? Not Kimmo, that is sure!

Plot? I guess.

Ben Stiller is anal control freak at Costco. Murder! Skinned corpse!

Then Vince Vaughn (bloated like a drunken Swede) who is more for the party (shock!), less for the funny (how many years since “Swingers”? Too many).

Jonah Hill has returned to the fat and is now again funny (well, for this movie anyway) and angry because he is not a cop.

Then there is an English black guy (Richard Ayoade) who deserved to be in better cinema, but must have done something to be punished here.

Free Richard Ayoade!

These wacky misfits are the neighborhood watch!

Zany!

They have an adventure! Aliens!

Dick jokes! Alien dick jokes!

So much bad. So much.

What have I done wrong to deserve this?

So, name irony. “The Watch.”

Really? More likely “The Look At Bloody Car Wreck.”

Eyeballs don’t go to the screen for the funny – they can’t possibly look away. And then there is the hope from the above that I spoke.

And hope is the cruelest thing…

So, two thumbs just kind of doing thumb things. Not happy thumbs. Not suicidal thumbs. Just thumbs that are needing the entertainment to happen.

Thumbs that didn’t get squat from “The Watch.”

I am so excited for next week! Another re-make! That is so novel!

Never done in Hollywood! They are so original!

“Total Recall” will be all time the great one that needed a re-boot.

Sony Pictures can kiss my whirling butt-cherry.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Become my friend on Facebook. That is the only way that the truth of our friendship can be true. Do it!

P.P.S. Summer T.V. is turning from suck to Summer Olympics. What is the difference?

July 20, 2012July 23, 2012

No “Dark Knight Rises” Review

Kyrle Lendhoffer for Kimmo Mustonenen

Dear Readers,

As you can see, there is no film review today.

I’m sure that, by now, everyone has heard the news of the “Dark Knight Rises” shooting in Colorado that has (so far) left 12 dead and scores wounded.

Kimmo’s review for today was less a review and more a musing on comic fans, and their obsession with what they love.

It poked fun at the extremes that these fans go to, to show their appreciation for what they love – whether it be camping out for days to be the first to see a movie or hitchhiking across the country to be at Comic-Con.

It was snarky in tone and its intention was to hold these folks up for some good natured mocking.

Sadly, today is not a day for snark or for making fun of people who we are sure were represented in great numbers in the casualty list from the shooting.

Today is a day for everyone to ruminate about this tragedy, to give a loved one an extra hug, and to remember just how short life really is.

We at Behind the Proscenium wish to express our greatest sympathies and condolences to the victims and to their families.

Our thoughts are with you.

Good fortune and good health to you all.

Kimmo on Kino will return next week.

Kyrle Lendhoffer – Behind The Proscenium

July 3, 2012July 3, 2012

The Amazing Spider-Man [REVIEW]

The Amazing Spider-Man

With Wit, Reviewed by Kimmo Mustonenen

Reboot.

I have the confusion.

What have there the meaning for this?

Example: Take something that was cool. And made money by the crap load. Say “this is too old for the liking – who will understand the oldness?” Say, “how can more crap loads of money can be milked if already the thing is owned by the kids?”

Reboot!

So, ten years after the Spider-Man now is new Spider-Man (amazing!) is all up in the cinemas!

Money must be made, the good must be good again, what is old is now new (and is for the cash to be had – thanks for the consistency,Hollywood!).

REBOOT!!!

Spider-Man is now The Amazing Spider-Man.

Already better.

AMAZING!!!

Some is different, some the same.

Most the same, really.

How?

Spider-Man. Tobey Maguire. Real nerd. Only cool with the spider juice flowing in the veins.

Andrew Garfield. Tormented. Could be cool without spider juice, but gets the juice bitten just the same.

Torment! Angst! It is the suck to have superpowers.

Bad guy. Still green. But different. English dude (Rhys Ifans) is not as a creeper as the Willem Defoe. But, other than the John Malkovich, no one is the creeper as Defoe.

No Malkovich in “The Amazing Spider-Man.”

Damn. Maybe the next reboot (mark the calendar 10 years in the future).

Girlfriend. Emma Stone is the hotness for the Spider-Guy at this time. It was, in before the reboot, Kirsten Dunst.

Stone has a lisp.

Dunst gave us her boobies in “Melancholia.”

We can – only for the hoping – wish that now in the future Emma Stone boobs will be for the seeing, drooling, and then the wanting. To touch. In reality.

Soon. Please.

Oh. And they’re tied.

Newspaper. No contest.

Denis Leary is angry. Every character laid on by Leary is angry. Some less. Some more. All angry. Angry, angry, angry. J.K. Simmons? Loveable. Gruff. Sometimes angry.

Wow, he has a range for something other than his one note! He wins this one.

Plot? Really?

Nerd gets bit by the spider juice. Gets powers that are so cool.

Crazy scientist somehow with the family entangles and death and sad and Peter needs an ass to kick.

And a cute chick.

Sub-plot. Big fight! Spider-Man wins again – and learns a lesson.

Some kind of lesson. I forget (damn you, kossu!).

One thumb is up for “The Amazing Spider-Man.” The other thumb can’t figure why I’m seeing what I just saw in the past.

But I get it.

Money.

Do you have the brain knowledge the Harry Potter movies are now 11 years old? Get on it Hollywood!

The shit-pile of money made by those make the embarrassment on Spider-Man.

Reboot now!

Reboot Harry Potter!

Or not. Assholes.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. New “Glee Project” tonight! Predictions: Crying, “this is so important to me”, “no one understands what I’m going through”, “this is my life!”, crying, yelling, singing, “this is my only shot”, flirting, then gay Ryan Murphy saying a cliché, then more crying, and song. I cannot wait! My bong is full…

June 22, 2012June 22, 2012

Brave [REVIEW]

Brave

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Readers – I live.

My man liver is alive.

Kossu can be again for the drunkening.

Kimmo cannot be tamed.

Like the beast of the wood – drinking, smoking, eating, drinking, watching movies, drinking, smoking, writing reviews, and then some drinking and smoking – I am back.

And in front.

The fear is out of me.

No longer can the movies of summer make me puke.

I am a man.

And this man is in heart love with “Brave”.

Sucker for red-heads? Guilty.

Sucker for the Pixar? Even more!

Can they be better now than in the past? Hells yes.

And they have shitty, Kimmo-like accents. Only more the better than mine.

Plot? Are you kidding the Kimmo?

Amidst the wilds of the 10th Scottish Century the growing small and skilled archer Merida (Kelly Macdonald) to, daughter of King Fergus (Billy Connolly) and Queen Elinor (Emma Thompson).

While the rebellious girl was marked with the red hair, frolicking in the first place by their father – who lost the fight with a bear leg (a bear leg! Hollywood, hear this!) – is planning her mother Elinor, with her very different things.

To Merida finally tame it is one of the sons of the leading clan lords are married and so asks the Lord MacGuffin (Kevin McKidd), Lord Dingwall (Robbie Coltrane) and Lord Macintosh (Craig Ferguson) and her sons into the castle in order to offer them at an archery competition the winner was the hand of her daughter.

Of course, Merida very different things in my head and said this team wins competition not only themselves, but evokes an old witch with a sinister curse…

What the fuck?!? Wow.

Genius.

No more spoilers.

This movie is a bomb. (Editors note: In Kimmo’s world, this means great).

My man-crush on the computer generated Merida makes me not of this world wanting to be.

Send me to Pixar land.

Let me frolic with the hot red-head pixels.

She is now my life.

Maybe with enough of the sweet, sweet smoke I can someday be there.

For now, Kossu.

For now, I want.

And now, two thumbs striding skyward.

There is not enough in my heart love for this.

It is the greatness.

See it twice. Then take your kids.

Then buy the Blu-ray when available for red-head self-love.

Tell no one I said that. Just between you (my readers) and my bong (my best friend).

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. The Glee Project is back! That blind kid has all asshole about him. Dick. Same with boob-bouncing fat chick. Ho. All are unlikeable. Ryan Murphy, I think, may be a gay guy. I can’t take my eyes off of the thing. Smoke, cheetos, Glee Project = Heaven. Watch it, and then comment.

June 8, 2012June 8, 2012

Prometheus [REVIEW]

Prometheus

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

“Prometheus!”

Finally!

I gathered my supplies – for movie ogling and note taking, sweet sticky bud smoked in my car.

The a large coke.

No popcorn.

The greasy corn turns my note sheets into transparent unreading mush.

Now for reviewing I drink the kossu.

But trouble is in a dangling Damocles sword over my head.

So much kossu has been in my mouth hole that I must get a liver ultrasound tomorrow!

How is this can possible?

Is this the end for Kimmo?

Is this the end for kossu?

I am the bummer… but wow – “Prometheus!”

Considered one of the great directors in 30 years, has in some of the best films in the field of science fiction (and others) and with each new film attracts audiences from simple village idiots to up hardcore cinephiles.

His name is Ridley Scott and has nothing to prove anything anymore.

Except for “Gladiator.”

That movie was more the funny than “Monty Python And The Holy Grail” but still a shit log.

The legendary “Alien” is undoubtedly the expected movies of the year and shortly before he had released the movie trailer was enough to cause a frenzy of fans.

And geeks are frenzied bunch!

Virgins can get nasty.

Plot? Hells yeah!

The mythical Prometheus created the first humans from clay and fire (made sense while stoned – now suspect).

The spacecraft “Prometheus”, Scott starts from the realm of uncertainty to come to the eternal mystery of the origin of the first man.

The theories on the creation of man from the aliens are not new, their roots hold thousands of years since man began to think consciously and carved on the walls.

Conscious men never got their deposits back.

Do not carve on the walls.

Or let your cat pee on the carpet.

From the first minutes of the film and the spectacular opening of the thirsty viewer (a large coke is quickly drunken when the sweet bud is in my head) is confronted with all these unanswered questions in a 3D world (damn, 3D that worked!) abundant charm and a spectacle that nourishes the eye and excites the imagination.

The work done in special effects and generally in all the scenery is truly worthy of attention and the most rigorous and demanding audience.

Also the cast of Scott in the film include Michael Fassbender and Charlize Theron as “robot” and “ruthless woman” respectively and are highly successful.

Charlize has given me two cinematic boners in my pants this year.

This is a good year for Kimmo!

Noomi Rapace is the good. No shit.

She is the girl in a shrink-to-fit-with-blow-dryer space suit that showed her a good ass actor.

So confusion comes. Is this cinematic boner for Noomi or Charlize?

Do I really care?

So, two thumbs throbbing like my love of the Charl-oomi.

I want. And then I want more.

The view is the almost obligatory to all lovers of science fiction and general lovers of the dark room.

Go see this thing.

Twice.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Game of Thrones” season 2 in the books. We have White Walkers in Finland. We call them “drunk relatives in the snow.” They are less scary in Finland but smell worse. Now, back to my bong and the worry thoughts that will bring me to tomorrow. If I must not drink of the kossu, is live worth living? These thoughts must be thought.

June 1, 2012June 1, 2012

Snow White and the Huntsman [REVIEW]

Snow White and the Huntsman

With Wit, Reviewed by Kimmo Mustonenen

Strange things are strange.

The expected is not reality.

The world is inside out.

Kristen Stewart can act.

I am not drunk.

I am not high.

Kristen Stewart is not only the non-suck, but damn fantastic!

The largeness of my eyeballs was for the surprise of the seeing what could not be the truth.

I saw the “Twilight” turds.

My brain is the dumber for with the seeing of them.

Now this.

Can nothing be counted on?

Plot? Eh.

“Snow White and the Huntsman” is a quite remarkable result of his ham. What can be silly or melodramatic dialogues spoil everything in the fantasy genre.

Not the case here, I say.

At least the original version here applies mostly to the right, concise tone.

How many times have you seen that the effects are working against history and starting to block everything?

Maybe I am (a little) drunk.

But as brilliant as the dwarf throng of normal height, shrunken actors is tricky, as little is the film with it.

And how often fantasy movies take on the love story to the girls something to offer – here is waived boldly on the topic of love, and in general to any psychology that goes beyond simple motivations.

But this movies motivations? Not silly.

It is Snow White and a frickin Huntsman! This is not “Citizen Kane.”

Or even the subject of my current cinematic hard-on, “Prometheus.”

And Thor was in it. Cool.

Charlize Theron? Hot. And icy.

Like a sore muscle balm, but one that is ready for the sex. No Icy-Hot on my Johnson!

Dwarves? Seven!

Had I smoked the sweet smoke I would have freaked the fuck out.

The dwarf from “Deadwood” was my the favorite. The “Roger Rabbit” dwarf was cool, too.

Back to Kristen Stewart.

What the hell?

WHAT THE HELL?

I would like to write my reviews in advance. She has put the fool on my brain.

My pre-write: “As wooden as the Pinocchio, with fish charisma, Stewart brought sleep to my face in minutes. The sound of major suckage was her acting – suck, suck, suck went Kristen Stewart.”

I cannot now use this. I must now stay awake for entire movie times.

God dammit!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Next week I review, finally, “Prometheus.” It had better be the good – or even better. The review has been for months written. Best movie ever. I am now scared. With this new knowledge, I will have to see every movie that is by me reviewed. Shit.

P.P.S. The title of “America’s Got Talent” is a lie. Title more better would be “America Is Full Of Weird People That Want On The T.V. More Than They Have Any Sense Of Shame.” Summer television. Son of a bitch.