Kimmo on Kino – Page 5 – Behind the Proscenium

December 16, 2011December 16, 2011

Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows [REVIEW]

Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Okay, Hollywood, I give.

It is FUN to see great literary figure turned into 19^th century James Bond.

There must always be explosions.

CGI must be in every movie ever made.

See, Hollywood?

You win.

For the rest of the film career of reviewing I shall just suck on my bong and sit through whatever I’m being paid to sit through.

And LIKE it.

No… LOVE it.

So, for the second time staged a witty director Guy Ritchie crime adventure with invented by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s master detective Sherlock Holmes, a classic figure of English literature (that is not in this movie. Same name. Definitely not same guy.).

As in the first film from the year 2009 the script the action transferred to the Victorian era, which also comes from Doyle’s character. The men of the friendship of Robert Downey, Jr. played Holmes and his assistants presented by Dr. John Watson Jude Law delighted with lively war of words.

This time, the detective met his equal intellectually nemesis, Professor James Moriarty (also a name that appears in the Doyle stories, not so much the character), who is about to incite a world war and to seize the most important industries of Europeunder the nail.

The freaking nail!!!

To put the criminal played by Jared Harris, in the shaft, Holmes and Watson travel to Paris, Germany and Switzerland, as if they were secret agents of later generations of film (Bond, Bourne, whoever the closeted Cruise plays in MI: Whatever).

They fight often in the literal sense before picturesque scenery, in a gentleman’s club, a train, in the Paris Opera House, a posh hotel and a Swiss mountain chateau, a munitions factory and on the backs of horses.

Son of a bitch!

Doyle’s master detective was originally in the struggle with Moriarty in Switzerland – fall down the Reichenbach Falls, in death, before he then reanimated again for more adventures.

It takes the action back here and puts on an impressive waterfall, a CGI castle in ludicrous steep hillside (maybe the same town as “Immortals” 2,000 years later). There sits a peace conference, which Moriarty wants to make the starting point of World War II.

Or I – I was pretty high.

While Watson and the belligerent gypsy Sim, played by Naomi Rapace (Dragon Tattoo chick – For The Win!), inside Europe are trying to save to provide themselves Holmes and Moriarty at the balcony of a game of chess on the board and as spirited debate about the case.

Damn straight.

Enough already.

There was a plot, but that is unimportant.

Robert Downey, Jr. has mister fun good times.

The women were hot.

You saw SH#1 and liked it? This is also for your liking.

I suggest using a bong – with and Indica blend because that will make you like an idiot drool.

And being an idiot with drool is the only way to see this.

“Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows” has made me see the light. The light of my lighter as I take another major hit.

Hollywood is awesome.

Light up and pass the cheetos.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Ryan Murphy, thank you for a taste of Lindsay Pearce in “Glee.” I know now that you are listening! Two more Lindsay episodes – then we can be friends!

December 9, 2011December 9, 2011

New Year’s Eve [REVIEW]

New Year’s Eve

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

New Year’s Eve.

Really?

A painless romantic comedy with 20 big stars about 10 different stories twisted together with a background in New York (New York).

Beyond the site (New York, dumb ass), time is the most important parameter which moves the narrative academic standards (I’m so high), and we are in the New Year’s Eve and all shows on first sight cheerful and festive.

Bullshit.

So, is it better than “The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)”?

No. Hell no.

The characters through many emotional and less comical situations are easily predictable in a pleasant but dull (like an AM/PM hamburger, yummy, and yet gross) in the whole movie follows the same recipe last year’s “Valentine’s Day” by the same director (Garry Marshall – who has giant big teeth… creepy).

That “little bit of everything” – loves all types and ages.

Here of course the nature of the celebration that unites or reunites families (as opposed to“Valentine’s Day” where we saw first young love, but without guilt and boners) seeing traumatic relationships and people in crisis who are required to overcome the wounds of the past or to retrieve media a second chance (like you, Kyrle – your obsession with pecs was your undoing – I said it!).

Usually the New Year people make “self” for their mistakes and set goals for the new (or drunk, and then the regret, and then the pregnancy).

Experiential endoscopy – I think – makes the standing on the story of New YORK’S Eve – sorry, New YEAR’S Eve.

The story of an estranged, and severe ill father (Robert De Niro – he must pay the bills, poor bastard) of Hillary Swank (no character name that I remember but major boobs), responsible for the celebration in Times Square (she fails) is typical of the dramatic tone that introduces us to the plot of Big Tooth Man Director and the character of Michelle Pfeiffer (yes!) who give up everything for to live within a few hours, as did a whole life, shows that things do not always go as we dream, chasing unrealistic time.

(This is an homage to The Talking Heads, from me, Kimmo Mustonenen I’m pretty high.)

The melancholy touches, however, is temporary and as time is pressing everyone to catch up to complete the remaining issues created some grotesque comic situations such as the birth of babies(!) by Jessica Biel. I guess Timberlake finally got busy. Tap it, Justin!

It is gratifying to planning something carefully and setting goals which will then happen by hard effort, but some things make nature itself …as twins.

WTF?!?

Can arrange a time for a natural phenomenon? With the help of technology, perhaps!

(This is an homage to DEVO. Holy crap, I may never come down!)

This is not, damage to the “countdown to the ball” in the Times Square of New York causes a confusion in the already fragile nature of the Swankster (she said I could call her that), but the right decision to put the right person for the repair of the short time until midnight (an electrician who had been dismissed in the past) shows that, in some relationships inevitably “make cycle”.

(This is an homage to my bong. Son of a bitch. I’m wasted.)

Then there is the shit-ton avalanche of other stars: Ashton Kutcher (The Cougar Tamer), Lea Michelle (Playskool’s “My First Streisand”), Sarah Jessica Parker (My Little Pony), Abigail Breslin (Why Are You In This Shit?), Halle Barry (Another Razzie?) and Zac Efron (“It’s a trap!”).

This is a soup lesson.

How?

You want a soup to make. You have ingredients for the soup in the millions. You know in reality the best soup? Maybe five ingredients. Maybe ten.

Instead, all ingredients go into the soup.

All millions.

And the soup? Shit.

You have now spent time and treasure to create shit soup.

And the name of your shit soup?

New Year’s Eve.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Soon I will see Charlize Theron in “Young Adult”. Ginnifer Goodwin, you are so out of my mind (in the not good way).

P.P.S. I’m so fried. I have a total hard-on for the Flame Flavored Cheeto. Tell me the favorite of your high Cheeto in the comments! Damn, I’m hungry.

What?

November 18, 2011

The Descendants [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind the Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Reese Witherspoon, Election, About Schmidt, Sideways, The Descendants, Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon, Jim Rash, Kaui Hart Hemmings, George Clooney, Shailene Woodley, Amara Miller, Nick Krause, Patricia Hastie, Grace A. Cruz, Kim Gennaula, Karen Kuioka Hironaga, Carmen Kaichi, Beau Bridges, Matt Corboy, Matt Esecson, Michael Ontkean, Stanton Johnston, Jeff Bridges, Jon McManus, Hugh Foster, Tiare R. Finney, Tom McTigue, Milt Kogan, Mary Birdsong, Rob Huebel, Laird John Hamilton, Aileen 'Boo' Arnold, Esther Kang, Melissa Kim, Robert Forster, Barbara L. Southern, Celia Kenney, Matthew Reese, Zoel Tumbull, Matthew Lillard, Judy Greer, Linda Rose Herman, Scott Michael Morgan, Darryl K. Gonzales, Koko Kanealii, Romey 'Keola' Yokotake, Fileena Bahris, Tracy Boyd, Jim Burke, George Parra, Jim Taylor, Phedon Papamichael, Kevin Tent, John Jackson, Jane Ann Stewart, T.K. Kirkpatrick, Matt Callahan, Wendy Chuck, Julie Hewett, Debra Rego, Renee Confair, Mads Hansen, Scott August, Richard Fox, Brian Costa, Craig H. Davidson, Marcus Young, Troy Boggess, Don Chong, Wes Ford, Andy Henry, Brian Bautista, Christine Carr, Joe Finley, Coleen Aiello, Deidre Backs, Sean Burke, Tal Fiala, Jeff Dash, Nancy Honeycutt, Dagny Looper, Lisa Lee Mitchell, Troy Manandic, Larissa Martinez, Courtney McCrory, Anna Musso, Anthony Ocasio, Jason Skweres, Cameron Spencer, Susan Wyshynski

The Descendants

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I begged for a savior.

A savior from the sameness of the same that is bad.

A savior from having to drink “Twilight” out of my brain thoughts until I had beach ball liver and bloody stool.

Thank the Lord!

I got two!

One, Alexander Payne.

He made Reese Witherspoon not annoying (“Election”). He got Mr. Oscar nominations for saggy, naked, and old woman – plus for once cool crazy man (“About Schmidt”). He made wine and golf together for Mr. Oscar that they were cool, almost (“Sideways”).

Two, George Clooney – the being only in Hollywood with more hotter than “Puss In Boots”.

Will Payne get Clooney Mr. Oscar? Am I happy to get to make that question?

Story?

Yes!

Matt King is of Hawaii, drowned in its affairs, indifferent husband and father who suddenly is accountable when his woman falls into a coma after her head bounces off of a boat.

The Matt must find a way to sort out and come close to two daughters, 10 and 17 years, while to realize himself how careless he was (although the daughters heads and boats were never in danger).

The concept of the “The Descendants” seemed particularly interesting. Although certainly not original (but, yes, it is), the casting of Matt was the selection of George Clooney in the starring role.

The script, as always is excellent with the embarrassing, almost slapstick comedy, melodrama in heavy and vice versa (which is not heavy, like my brother). Playing with all sorts of issues relating to differences between generations, bequests and by-laws, but never falls into the trap of a sermon.

Sermon movies? Go see Tyler Perry (he is not a lady! No kidding!).

Although the known slowness of the director is here again, certainly in this case has raised a speed, because you will not see nor suffer art house shots or tedious sour face close-up to the protagonist.

But then there are no naked clowns, either. They are in the art house welcome.

Payne not only managed to find the perfect role for Clooney, whose never disputed that his awesomeness was acting skills (as opposed to directing), but plays shamelessly with him, putting a rival, as… wait for it, Matthew Lillard, making it even more sympathetic to the viewer and you get one of the best interpretations.

All movie rivals shall now be played by Shaggy. Ruh roh!

Thus, and “The Descendants” looks like the perfect transition. A small production with big Hollywood actor and is digestible, unlike a shrub.

A very good movie with great story and a terrible Clooney steals the show.

Terrible good!

I mean, terrible great!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Note to Twi-tards: If you don’t like my “Twilight” review, you can suck it. So and then e-mail and tweet the link to all of your friends (online, not IRL – that way you have more than one) so to have them leave nasty comments! I dare you.

P.P.S. Kyrle – send me on the hour a hit count. We are going to score!

November 16, 2011November 16, 2012

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 [REVIEW]

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

First – the coming of the clean.

Yes. I’m jealous.

Robert Pattinson has the hair of a god.

A messy hipster god, but god hair is god hair.

I want some.

Now for the real meat – once again, a crap-fest!

The film reviewer life can make one wish (and hope) the Mayans are right, the world ends in 2012, and thus my sitting through another Twilight is decreased to zero.

I pray for this to be so.

Review time.

Bella (Kristen Stewart) has made her choice: She is about to marry Edward (see “hair god” above). But the young man, he will honor his market share? He will accept to transform into a vampire, and see to give up his life?

None of this makes sense.

Like the last novel of the franchise of “Harry Potter”, this is halved for film. Twilight, the final episode, will split into two films. A necessity or a narrative stunt to garner twice the receipts?

Unfortunately, this second option is to be considered opportunistic.

Bad studio, ripping off the Twi-tards.

The conclusion is given the languid pace of the film.

If, initially, it is hasty (precipitated the wedding of Bella and Edward, and their honeymoon), the action then is dangerously fallen to the level zero. After blackness and dark twists the previous section, by far the best of the saga (“wow, that turd looks better than the other turd!”), now is the dominant impression of disappointment from the very beginning.

The narrative seems ever more stretched, not to tell again.

Early in the film, the “hesitation” Bella, already in the middle of the last film, persist.

Again and again.

And again.

Then, one more time.

The character played by Kristen Stewart wonders if she should marry, and then come some discussions with her suitor that I’m sure I heard in another episode. Then, once on the island of temptation, where the lovebirds spend their honeymoon (off of Rio, but there are no 3D animated toucans – bummer!), it was now the turn of Edward the vampire of be in dilemma.

Should he or not sleep with his wife at the risk of turning her into a monstrosity of nature bloodthirsty or kill on contact with his neck, his body, all members of a young fresh woman?

And the guy is still more than 100 years, so freshness level, there have been better!

In this chapter of inaction which is meant to be that of excitement, suspense is emerging little by little to explode in the second half of the film (finally, after one suck-tastic hour).

Bella was nubile and fertile, and therefore, following the single exchange of body fluids in the film (the temptation was right to Edward – he totally slammed Bella – awesome!), here it is a big creature unusual offspring of unprecedented , half-human, half vampire.

What to do?

Would it be first ever abortion where vampire baby instead eats the doctor’s face?

That would be cool.

We do not reveal the outcome of this confrontation with the unknown that will lead the “beautiful” Jacob (Taylor Lautner – trade some of that work-out time to get acting lessons, please) to big arms muscled man to betray his wolf pack to help his beloved, the one that has yet to abandon the damn cold meat of Edward Cullen.

No, I will tell you nothing, because if you are still reading this (at least this far), you will see this pile of shit anyway.

To conclude:

The Twi-tards will fork their money to Summit Entertainment and moisten and stick to the theater seats when Edward sparkles.

The world will continue to turn.

Some idiot will comment that Pattinson is a good actor.

Babies will die.

And later I’ll have to review a hunk of shit called “The Twilight Saga – Breaking Dawn, Part 2”.

The suck of all sucks.

Unless the Mayans are right. My fingers are crossed.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Ginner Goodwin – I am sorry. “Once Upon A Time” is no longer in my life. Please find a project that is less annoying so that I may lust to you properly.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 [REVIEW]

November 11, 2011November 11, 2011

Immortals [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind the Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo on Kino, Immortals, Tarsem Singh, Charley Parlapanides, Vlas Parlapanides, Henry Cavill, Mickey Rourke, Stephen Dorff, Freida Pinto, Luke Evans, John Hurt, Joseph MOrgan, Anne Day-Jones, Greg Bryk, Alan Van Sprang, Peter Stebbings, Daniel Sharman, Isabel Lucas, Kellan Lutz, Steve Byers, Stephen McHattie, Matthew G. Taylor, Romano Orzari, Corey Sevier, Conrad Pla, Neil Napier, Tyrone Beneskin, Abdul Ayoola, Dylan Smith, Robert Naylor, Mercedes Leggett, Kaniehtiio Horn, Ayisha Issa, Danny Blanco Hall, Robert Maillet, Alain Chanoine, Edward Yankie, Gage Munroe, Aron Tomori, Marcella Bezina, Roc La Fortune, Jade Larocque, Charlie Duret, Alisha Nagarsheth, Makayla Jade McManus-Legett, Madison McAleer, Zelia Mouana-Bankouezi, Andre Kasper Kolstad, Tyler Hynes, Carlo Mestroni, Chantal Simard, Brent Skagford, Jason Cavalier, Kevin Kelsall, Patrick Sabongui, Samuel Platel, Lise Sita, Francise LaFreniere, Shyrelle Yates, John Churchill, Austin Beauchamp, Jimmy Duperval, Randy Herman, Emilie Paquet, Robbie Brenner, Mark Canton, Jason Felts, Craig J. Flores, Ogden Gavanski, Tony Grazia, Ken Halsband, Ryan Kavanaugh, Jamie Marshall, Gianni Nunnari, Rene Rigal, Nico Soultanakis, Tucker Tooley, Tommy Turtle, Jeff Waxman, Trevor Morris, Brendan Galvin, Wyatt Jones, Stuart Lew, Andrew Kenyon, Tom Foden, Jille Azis, Eiko Ishioka, Ken Diaz, Daniel Auclair, Ken Halsband, Christopher Kulikowski, Dana Reaves Bolla, Michael R. Sloan, Alexandre Bernard, Angele Gagnon, Chanel Lavoie, Jamie Marshall, Julien Pratte, Evelyne Renaud, Michael Viglietta, Wade Barnett, Nicolas Becker, Ric Schnupp, Alain Berard, Artie Malesci, Garrett Warren, Max White, Geoffroy Beauchernin, Tom Gibbons, Markus Czyzewski, Danny Elhaj, Ian Broucek, Amber Asaro, Brent Beath, Hank Bedford, Maggy Belzile, Kim Berner, Taylor Black, Christina Buchli, Gerrard Coffey, Tana David, Nicolas Fafard-Trudel, Andree-Anne Faucher, Cristina Fuller, Sonia Garcha, Etienne Geoffrion, Brandon Gold, Silvy Kim, Michael Lippman, Josianne Mailloux, Marr Morgan, Caroline Morissette, Jean-Charles Myrand, Eva Quiroz, Marlaine Reiner, Ryan Ross, Marc Salouze, Esteban Sanchez, Mona Sishodia, Justine Winkler, Evagelia Zouliatis

“The Immortals”

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

“The Immortals” is crap.

Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap.

That is my review.

But the editor says I must write more words than “crap.”

O.K. – it is also turd sandwich in… 3D!

Story?

We have in a long time ago, the Greek gods defeated the Titans. They locked the creatures in a prison deep in a mountain.

In a later era wants King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke – creepy!) encounter the gods from their thrones – and to release the Titans.

Necessary to the Epirus-bow (huh?) he wants to help with the visions of the Oracle (see Freida Pinto. I saw her. A tent was pitched.).

On his expedition he also lays the village of slave Theseus (Henry Cavill) to rubble, killing his mother. We will find you do NOT kill the slave baby momma.

Obsessed with revenge wants, Theseus’s death to place on Hyperion. Help comes not only from the Oracle and some warriors (including Stephen Dorff – really), but by god Zeus (Luke Evans), who has for years stood by him in the guise of an old man (John Hurt).

Totally makes sense.

Now, however, Zeus has forbidden the other gods on Olympus to interfere in the war of the people. They should do it alone, led by Theseus. This is misleading in intent.

Never effin’ happened!

Why not now make the Nativity movie with the Amish and showgirls and talking goats? I would see that movie.

Instead of Amish, showgirls, and the goats we get “The Immortals”.

There is so much to love about the movie – the costumes by Eiko Ishioka, the excessive violence, the über-hot Freida Pinto.

And that is all. So not so much.

But it all comes together never close to completely correct, it remains as a spectator weird creep whereby lengths and accepts it all with a shrug.

To get to the point: If you liked the slightly less shit-storm (equally stylized) “300”, this was cooked for you.

You are so bold as to be cool. In your tiny mind.

It is self-explanatory, that this world never looks realistic.

It begins with these goddamn cliffs.

Almost every village, every temple seems built on a cliff. This looks even nice, but again and again – is monotone.

There is also the practical question: Is it really safe to go to the temple from the house, on a footpath, which is three feet wide, has no railings and where, at the slightest misstep, hundreds of yards into the ocean you splat?!?

Just think of children playing. Drunks. Old people. Drunk old children. Epileptics.

That question should be immediately banned from the head – there are no epileptics in “The Immortals”. Like so many others movies.

The shit continues – about how useful it is for the army of evil, to bear such huge helmets, they can’t wipe the ass-crack, let alone fight (and wiping is not as hard as fighting – unless there is much cheese ingestion).

Or why the Greeks the Oracle stupidly deflower (although deflowering Freida Pinto is never stupid, as long as we see her naked).

These and many other discrepancies plaguing the film.

They didn’t even release the Kraken (I yell this during bowel movements)!

I could write more of a response, but I’m too with depression.

Would it, in a better universe, then had “The Immortals”, the makings of a truly great film?

Only good (other than previously talked Freida Pinto – Ass of a Goddess! This would be better movie, too) Mickey Rourke enjoys evil-being, even if he was mumbling and muttering and one does hardly understands.

But ultimately crap – this one goes in the mouth, is chewed, relies on the 3D glasses, swallowed, admired the vision of director, digested, you buy ticket, and the film is shat onto the screen.

Did I mention it was crap?

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Ryan Murphy, I don’t need you! Lindsay Pearce is Snow White in “A Snow White Christmas” at the El Portal in North Hollywood,CA. Kyrle, get me a ticket! I will follow her home (NOT! Being serious! I want no crimes committed.). I will just beg for her love at the stage door. Keep open for updates!

P.P.S. Joe Paterno, if you hear little children are being diddled you go to the police when the diddling is told. Good job, JoePa! Fucking asshole.

November 4, 2011

Tower Heist [REVIEW]

Tower Heist

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I don’t understand.

My mind is flowing with the fire.

Kyrle, I want to see the revels inside the “Anonymous”.

Or, to make me give a dolphin smile, “Harold and Kumar’s 3D Christmas” with the pot and a rad review to make.

But no.

I see the hot in the 1990s film “Tower Heist”.

In 1991, this is a (the s)hit.

Today?

Snooooooooozeeeeee……….. suuuuuuuuuuuuckkkkkk.

With “Tower Heist” director Brett Ratner does try the balancing act between the amusing comedy genre and heist movie. For those who can spontaneously start to the second term (heist, mush brain) – A-OK!:

A heist movie romp usually a couple of cool guys who then work out another plan much more cool to either cash to steal or a lot of any valuable thing (like steak). Many heist movies are popular because they often come up with many twists and surprises to you as a viewer, feels fun-surprised and how the thieves because now want to get the loot.

Comedies are popular NOT when explain they must why you have to for the laugh, right?

Stop laughing. You never started.

Unfortunately fails (shocker!), “Tower Heist” almost sensational about it, the strong elements from both genres take up in plain-text – the planned robbery is not exciting to offer only minimal surprises and humor is far too short, or non existent (like, “How do you get a nun pregnant?” Answer in the comments below!).

The jokes are bad pointedly dropped listless (for that’s particularly true on several one-liners to already-worn by a number of other films – 20 years ago!).

Humor is indeed a matter of taste, and it only one time exists (to me, in my taste that matters), Eddie Murphy holds a little dreamy monologue about the relationship between lesbian women and firm breasts.

That was it.

It tries to be long 100 minutes of comedy. But only 4 minutes. Yet, but it seems much, much longer.

The disappointing part, of many in this “comedy”, is unfortunately hand in hand with the robbery of the money for a sympathetic force. The supposedly equipped with the world’s best security system tower can then still be won relatively easy – so easy that as would Ben Stiller would not have to bother the apartment of the victim with Lego recreate – a small addendum to the subject of humor – the Lego model should be FUNNY.

The coup ends in exaggerated scenes on the outside wall of the skyscraper, does not even in the inner logic of the film exposes the meaning and the lousy script.

“Tower Heist by Retards” would be truth, but not correct, politically. “Tower Heist by Retards” would have brought the fun.

Curiously, attempts Bratt Ratner plan and the absurd comedy of the soft-rinsed with the theme of “99 percent to stick into the 1% anal pore”. That is to provide a current political and social superstructure.

Of course it is cool in principle, that the film on the side of workers and says Wall Street is Las Vegas (without the hot legal hookers).

Too much plot explanation for so little of the plot.

My bad. I’ve switched to slivovitz and am woozy.

The motley troupe can wrest from viewers unfortunately no great sympathy. Ben Stiller exudes a desperate charm and can play alongside Casey Affleck, the most interesting character.

Eddie Murphy’s role could be funny, but is not being fully implemented.

Matthew Broderick and Gabourey Sidibe (now in “Tower Heist” based on the novel Suck by Hack Writer) sink into the irrelevance.

So? What happens when you make a genre mix, where you combine a burglary without exciting plan and a comedy without jokes? “Tower Heist”! Which rises from the toilet and tries to bite your wankie.

Don’t let it!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Go “Glee”, go! In Finland, we always make out with the teacher who is the momma now to our baby! BUT… no Lindsay to be seen. Just the mick. Ryan Murphy, I am watching you…

October 28, 2011

Puss In Boots [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind the Proscenium, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, Puss In Botts, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Chris Miller, Charles Perrault, Brian Lynch, David H. Steinberg, Tom Wheeler, Jon Zack, Antonio Banderas, Salma Hayek, Zach Galifianakis, Billy Bob Thornton, Amy Sedaris, Constance Marie, Guillermo del Toro, Rich Dietl, Ryan Crego, Conrad Vernon, Tom McGrath, Bob Joles, Latifa Ouaou, Robert Persichetti, Chris Miller, Jessica Schulte, Mike Mitchell, Nina Barry, Andrew Adamson, Joe M. Aguilar, Tom Jacomb, Michelle Raimo, Henry Jackman, Eric Dapkewicz, Philip M. Cohen, Kelly Cooney, David Farley, Andrew Hotz, Craig Rittenbaum, Christian Roedel, Jon Eric Schmidt, Guillaume Aretos, Jessie Carbonaro, Craig Elliott, Paul Fisher, Woon Jung, William Mata, Anthony Zierhut, Michael Babcock, Anna Behlmer, Courtney Bishop, James Bolt, Ryan Cole, Christopher Flick, Roy Latham, Jeff Sawyer, Rohit Jain, Lucas Janin, Geoffrey Jarrett, Ian Jenkins, Matt Johnson, Jeffrey Jose, Fabio Lissi, Ryan Crego, Mike Stern, Roger Vizard, Nate Wragg, Gregory Creaser, Jeff Olm, Alexander Wu, Alex Belcher, Susan Thampi, Daniel Pinder, Rain Angeles, Steve Baker, Will Bilton, Alyson Blume, Kelly Chow, Malik Coates, Emily Conlon, Brendan Duncan, Sean Ellis, Jessica Forer, Reid Gershbein, David Hail, Molly Jackson, Tripp Hudson, Jorge Heredia, Terence Kuederle, Ian J. McIntosh, Anna Newman, Drew Puchalski, Caroline Robinson, Kirk Shalosky, Cathy Sitzes, Casey Sword, Kara Ulseth, Xavier Vanegas, Mark Tukunaga, Dreamworks Animation

Puss In Boots

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

So “Shrek” is released on us, at one time.

Then more and more “Shreks” for the counting.

I was sickened… until the “Shrek” comes along and I became gay for a cat.

This cat I love so much?

Puss (which I just found out means “cat,” I was previously confused) in Boots!

Rico Suavẽ!

There was technology.

And technology is cool (except for my new iPhone – it weeps over Steve).

I digress.

This is called a new revolution in film. Oscar-winning technology Fluid Animation System (FLU) has allowed the subtleties of facial expressions to convey the magic characters. The motion of each hair molecule at the talking donkey obeyed the laws of high art and gravity.

The so-called “facial animation system” acted individually – in the computer were driven and character, and how this character is reflected in the muscles and skin – as if the entire face were playing for the same team.

Team Face.

“Smile!” each time gave new results. The result was so absolute and real that the animators decided to take a little back – to keep the feeling of a fairy tale and not so real.

Nothing worse than toddlers screaming “Crap! Real talking cat! Real talking donkey! Real ogre! I have shat myself!” And then they run screaming outside to the lobby and are abducted.

That is too real. Really.

Ten years passed, and now an army of actors, festooned with electronic sensors, depicts a different animation of animals, computer animation is among the leaders in the global box office.

That and those goddamn sparkly vampires (when will the Twi-tards sickness pass over and leave us alone?).

It is now so great that it threatens to blow up the film from the inside and wholly divert his children to make a video game and the main specialties of multiplexes. Which is cool – but not as cool like “Shark Night – 3D“ (I was wasted that day, yeehaw!).

Puss in Boots appeared in the second “Shrek” as an episodic character and two or three scenes pushed into the background and even a donkey and Shrek.

Antonio Banderas gave him his facial expressions and voice, cat dashing Spanish accent, and artists have come up with a brilliant cat.

There we see pleaded rounding the eye (swoon), they become bottomless (swooner), they reproached all our unjust world is so compelling that the frame broke on the world (swoonest), took place on the desks of the secretaries of the world, became the computer screen savers and symbol of the New Cinema.

I told you I was gay for a non-existing cat.

And it became clear that with this film about Puss, Shrek unexpectedly unearthed a gold mine.

The story? Who gives a paska? It is Puss in mother-effin’ Boots!!!

A quibble: While a truly witty film could be obtained if the authors had relied on the mysterious world of cats, and then combined it with a jaded world of a human tales – would open up the abyss of the paradoxes (did I blow your mind? I blew mine.). But it only once managed to touch the mystery cat – this is when the cat begged for mercy, that in a moment to make us their slaves (did I say already that I was gay for this cat?). They understand the price of his discovery, and now replicate the frame again and again. His wait, they admire, but neither higher nor deeper jump is no longer possible.

And that is that… cat!

So, two thumbs straight in to the air – like the butt end of a cat when the scratching happens near the tail.

Just don’t look at the brown-eye.

Cute effect is ruined.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Fringe”, wtf?!? Come on, J.J. Abrams! You already showed me your hate with the last season of “Lost” (yes, you hired showrunners with that eat paste) and now you do the same already again with the last season of “Fringe”?!? I hate you more than Ryan Murphy!

P.S.S. “Once Upon A Time”… thank you Father in Heaven! I can think more dirty Ginnifer Goodwin thoughts! I owe you, God.

October 20, 2011October 20, 2011

The Three Musketeers [REVIEW]

The Three Musketeers

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

No! NO!!!

Bad Hollywood!

Bad!

It is no longer summer.

You cannot, now in the fall, return like a dog to your own vomit.

This movie was made before – and once good! Oliver Reed, Michael York, and Faye Dunaway (before she got a case of uglies and olds) had the awesome.

Now?

Bad Hollywood!

Assholes.

So here we are, another old ham is warmed up again, this time there are “The Three Musketeers” by Alexander Dumas.

The last film, “The Musketeer”, it was almost 10 years ago, but the film flopped at the box office and flopped with lack of talent.

Now dares Paul W.S. Anderson (“Resident Evil”, “Alien vs. Predator”) to the project financed by and seen in Germany. Visually everything seems to be running quite well, but the catastrophic scale of production falls with the latest sighting of the film itself. And since you must see a film to experience it – well, now it sucks for sure.

The good first – visually, “The Three Musketeers” pretty well… pretty.

Filming took place in the most beautiful castles and towns in Bavaria, so that the settings are very successful, but old. The costumes, designed by the designer (!) Pierre-Yves Gayraud, adapt successfully to the visual style.

Technically, the effect was at natural environments now and then, just when you see villages from the air, which often looks very nice.

Up close, they are dirty and smell.

The action scenes, of which there are plenty, are also staged quite well overall, even if Paul W.S. Anderson, it is like to exaggerate (he doesn’t have to exaggerate his wife, Milla Jovovich – she is hot – zing!).

Whether you can get used to his style, everyone should decide for themselves (or I can decide for you – let me know in the comments), but you who have a problem with slow motion matrix effects will barf. In a historical film, will then probably it will interfere with that – the matrix effects, not the barfing.

People barfed in the past.

Although the film has to offer some nice visual display values and also a prominent cast, Anderson still fails, something coherent, functioning to construct as a whole.

Where should we start?

Anderson lacks any fine feeling for how to combine individual components and to create certain values, so that you can absolutely not take the film seriously.

As before, this is the fall! Films are now to be serious! Asshole.

This begins with the dialogues, which were written so stupidly that they deserve a prize (a Razzie?). Not infrequently one will hold to your hand to head and wonder and hope you have not gone past the refund point. Then when you realize that the characters are really just the idiocy have given of themselves, then even flies one of the next daft sayings from their mouths.

Some of it was meant to be but otherwise NOT funny.

Anyway, the shot backfired. !gnaB – Get it?

The names of the cast read although very promising, but only as long as you have not seen the movie, because then begins the shit-storm – the actor can not convince.

The only one who is still with blue eyes, really only Christoph Waltz, who here, but far below his potential and plays are vastly to puppet making, after all, but responsible for some good jokes, and brings just by his appearance a lot of presence.

Milla Jovovich‘s costume has changed (she doesn’t need a costume, trust me – yowza!), but otherwise plays the same role as in her “Resident Evil”, Alice, the ass-kicking űber-babe.

Ray Stevenson, Luke Evans and Matthew Macfadyen are in themselves a cool trio make their case quite well made. The same applies to Mads Mikkelsen, who indeed alone with grim view a cool guy, but there is no chemistry, not even biology.

Logan Lerman (“Percy Jackson”) as the fourth Musketeer serves as an identification figure for the viewer, but is nothing more than a greenhorn. Then doing more than one actually buys it. Acting-wise, he can not shine particularly, his repertoire of facial expressions is only two.

Happy, sad.

That is it.

Seriously.

Particularly bad is Orlando Bloom, whose appearance reminds me of transvestite and is totally miscast for the role. His performance is incredibly bad, since the good acting he just can not attempt, even in a movie like this, where no one can convince, yet still he fails. This is known as probably a brilliant performance in Opposite World.

Of course appears “The Three Musketeers” in 3D, just as is now common. With “Resident Evil 4” Anderson has proven that he knows how to use the 3D technology very well, but in the case of “The Three Musketeers” may safely be described using a rip-off. Not only that, the effect is hardly noticeable.

Don’t pay for this 3D crap! Or at least, keep the glasses.

That will learn them!

Assholes.

So, to conclude this suck-fest – Paul W.S. Anderson has done it – he has pulled a classic perfect and rubbed it in the mud. Although the film is visually very well managed, provides reputable actors, it is just embarrassing the rest of time.

Both thumbs droop to the floor, like the sword in my dreams while fighting Zorro.

I have issues.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Survivor” – wow! In Finland, we would just say that Brandon Hantz had become with Snow Fever and then just shoot him through the head. Better for humanity. Make it so, Jeff Probst!

October 14, 2011October 14, 2011

Footloose [REVIEW]

Footloose

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

There was many times ago an original idea in Hollywood.

D.W. Griffith was that guy who had it.

Since then, maybe Blake Edwards or Eli Roth.

Now we can go to a cinema knowing that we will see what already we have seen yesterday, last summer, five summers, childhood or (in this example) 1984.

How did Kevin Bacon not kill these people?

New game for this film’s greenlighters – Six Degrees From Grim Reaper (remember to enter my new Dead Pool – info appearing to the future!).

For those who live under rocks – the story: Ren MacCormack moves from Boston to the small town Bomont in the southern USA, where he has a real culture shock (every movie lately lives next to “The Help”).

Some years before, the congregation – by the tragic death of five teenagers – has been plagued by celebrations after that one night. Then spoke the local politicians and the popular Reverend Shaw, a ban on loud music and dancing.

Ren (not Stimpy) wants to accept it, however, being a teen, rebels against the ban.

He breathed life back in the village and falls in love with it?

No, just in Ariel (Julianne Hough – Ryan Seacrest‘s beard), the daughter of the pastor.

She is hot.

In the remake of the cult MTV dance film “Footloose (1984)” has not exactly changed much (the story is still playing in southern backwater Bomont).

Ren (Kenny Wormald) wants to abolish the local ban on dancing and his queen of hearts Ariel (Juliann Hough, still hot) is still situated on meaningless tests of courage and the patience of the audience to the test.

Why must hot chicks test us?

On Cinemax they just get naked.

New story, new characters?

Forget it!

Why is there this stencil-like remake anyway?

Are you stupider, already? MONEY!

I love it as much (more) than you (money).

Yet the suck that is making movies over and over the same makes my sitting butt crack wish that no longer the theater I must inhabit. I stand by this.

Where were we?

Attractive teens, rebelling, attract to each other. Teen conflicts are indicated and the skeptical view of the pastor Shaw (Dennis Quaid).

Then all dance enthusiasts are in the house. Successful entry, retro feel sprayed, may now be as wild dancing – you might think!

After director Craig Brewer has lulled us positively tap toeing, he is taking a wrong direction and to illuminate characters who are simply not worth that one is concerned more with their background.

Ariel’s problems with race car driver Chuck, her problems with her daddy, her problems with her friend and top it up with their innocence – Julianne Hough (she is very hot) has to bear all sorts of character with their parcels, which do not really care about anyway.

We care about her nakedness. Our cares end up meaning nothing.

Felt her character has the most screen time and leaves actor Kenny Wormald in reverse always appear sympathetic.

He plays the cool James Dean blend, cooked up here and there at times and ultimately mimics exactly the kind of singleness dance rebel, the one in a movie called… wait for it… “Footloose”!

The different characters, whether it makes sense, annoying or charming, all have a common weakness:

They do not do the forbidden dance! Which, in Bomont, is every dance.

Instead of focusing on the movement of talented performers (Julianne Hough, did I mention her?), the audience must always fight words by books and dialogues and are hoping for a extravagant finale.

But until it comes to this final move, agonizing over long dialogues, danceable tracks are burned in the background and just after half the movie is clear that this remake is completely unnecessary.

Conclusion: “Footloose” is a usefulness-free remake of the ’80s cult film starring Kevin Bacon (I tread on his foot in New York – ONE DEGREE!). Music and dance are unfortunately too short, since director Craig Brewer puts his focus instead on the background of his characters, interchangeable.

So, one thumb, rebelling and trying to dance for Julianne Hough (muy caliente!) – the other thumb ready to be rammed up idea-free Hollywood’s arse-hole.

Excuse me while I watch “Intolerance” (which will be re-made soon, I’m SO sure).

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Terra Nova” has one flaw – no persons with a working mind train would ever bring teenagers to the 85 million year past. They mess shit up.

September 9, 2011September 9, 2011

Warrior [REVIEW]

“Warrior”

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Things are getting heavy.

Summer is at an almost end.

If not for 3D Sharks, I would be singing the award movie song – like internet Karaoke.

Not just yet!

Ass kicking flies from the screen – and into your head.

And it has a name:

“Warrior”.

From time to time, by the merest chance, you come across a film carried by the combat sport that nevertheless manages to find the right balance between drama and action and more importantly (if you’re REALLY lucky), with more drama than action that it becomes a backdrop for everything else.

And then the action has it’s own drama, which makes the action dramatic-er. For it is only when the fighting is justified by a compelling scenario that they become emotionally more intense and rewarding.

Right? Right.

“Warrior” refers to a world of mixed martial arts where the gladiators of the modern clash in a hexagonal cage both feet on the ground, due to gravity.

The creation of an international tournament imagination, “Sparta”, will on the same trajectory Paddy (Nick Nolte), Brendan (Joel Edgerton) and Tom Conlon (Tom Hardy), which are all part of a family torn apart and removed in the past through an excess of favoritism and neglect.

I’m not afraid to say that.

Tom resurfaced in the company to get the help of his father, recovering alcoholic in passing (not recovering in real life), to the physical and mental training for participation in the tournament.

In parallel, Brendan returns sweat in the halls of fighting in the hope of winning the award of $5 million to restore interest in life to his family in need.

I could restore my own interest in life for much less that $5 million – settling for $1.5. Maybe just $1.

However, as would more or less expected, although these two mad dogs will face some of the toughest fighters that MMA has created, the real battle appears to be in them. At each other.

Paddy is fighting for the forgiveness of his son, Tom is fighting to prove to himself that he is strong physically and mentally, and Brendan is struggling to reconcile with his family.

I was fighting the popcorn (note to theater managers – melted butter flavored Crisco is not a substitute for real butter. My mouth is stuck together still with a bad 70’s bathhouse flavor.).

Each brother has his own reasons respectable to face combat, reasons that will divide the audience when it comes time to choose to support one or other of the brother’s finalists.

For its part, the scenario is almost epic, presented in a very committed. Almost epic. Remember this.

Gradually, through his dialogues, we see the past events of this family torn apart and motivations of characters to keep such hatred in them are revealed gradually. This drama is of course made possible and given credibility by the immense talent of these three headliners.

All three, each in their ways, infusing their characters an unwavering charisma. Wavering charisma just wouldn’t cut it and makes sit-coms intolerable.

Nick Nolte had not been touched since the long, very long years (literally – his last mug-shot has him stuck to the internet porn now, and luckily it is free), Tom Hardy, appearing more monstrous than ever physically (biceps!), proves once again that the method of the Method Acting has not finished dazzle us, and in between, Joel Edgerton has not to be ashamed of its performance even if he has to work extra hard not to give way completely opposite to its partners, and in doing so, not suck too much.

Only on the horizon, the role of Jennifer Morrison is under-exploited (Captain Kirk’s mom!) and Nick Nolte seems to have been somewhat forgotten in the last third.

The final could also have been treated differently but how to avoid clichés with a subject that is a cliché in itself (two brothers confronting end up in the same tournament). But a cliché used in the service of a cliché within a cliché? Genius.

Therefore it is appropriate to say that overall, the director is doing very well.

Although much entertained (still angry at the popcorn – screw you, Crisco!) my thumbs aren’t engaged to the level of my brain stem.

Still, the thumbs are fighting gravity to the sky.

“Warrior” is cool.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. My mind wanders around Patty Smyth. This would make a better movie:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dIDaBF8LILk

The dancers know Bob Fosse Kung Fu!!!!!!

P.P.S. (What is the rule?) Fall TV! Fringe in two weeks! Where is Peter? Or… where isn’t he?!? Guesses are appreciated!

September 8, 2011September 8, 2011

Contagion [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Contagion, Warner Bros., Steven Soderbergh, Scott Z. Burns, Gwyneth Paltrow, Tien You Chui, Josie Ho, Daria Strokous, Matt Damon, Monique Gabriela Cumen, Griffin Kane, Yoshiaki Kobayashi, Laurence Fishburne, John Hawkes, Jude Law, Teri McEvoy, Sue Redman, Teri Campbell, Stef Tovar, Mary Jo Faraci, Grace Rex, Marion Cotillard, Armin Rohde, Joseph Anthony Foronda, Phillip James Brannon, Rebecca Spence, David Lively, Andrew White, Kate Winslet, Larry Clarke, Anna Jacoby-Heron, Ira Blumen, Scott Strangland, Jimmy Chung, Rick Uecker, Tara Mallen, Jennifer Ehle, Demetri Martin, Elliott Gould, Enrico Colantoni, Bryan Cranston, John Hines, Joshua Weinstein, Sarah Charipar, Mark Czoske, Dan Aho, Chin Han, Hee-Wan Kwon, Phil Tang, Robert Chi, Blair Robertson, Randy Lowell, Pete Sack, Brian J. O'Donnell, Kwok-Wah Wong, Sau-Ming Tsang, Jim Ortlieb, Annabel Armour, Sanaa Lathan, Kara Zediker, Josh Pollack, Laura Fisher, Pete Kelly, Mary Beth Dolan, Jason Babinsky, Howie Johnson, Sanjay Gupta, Thomas Gebbia, Dan Flannery, Dan Sanders-Joyce, Joshua Seiden, Kam Tong Wong, Zakaria Alaoui, Chen On Chu, Contagion, Gregory Jacobs, Michael Polaire, Michael Shamberg, Stacey Sher, Cliff Martinez, Stephen Mirrione, Carmen Cuba, Howard Cummings, Abdellah Baadil, Cindy Carr, Louise Frogley, Julie Anderson, B. Ted Deiker, David Kirchner, Mark Scoon, Afnahn Khan, Brendon Breese, Yann Mari Faget, Eric Richard Lasko, Lemon Liu, Jody Spilkoman, Susan Alegria, Paul Allen, Colin Bach, Paul Crawford, Tim Halpin, David Mong, Corey Bayes, Saad Aledigue, Robert Beck, Genona Blue, Jonelle Castillo, Drew Durepos, Brad Garoon, Joseph Malloch, Elaine Mongeon, Juliet Lopez, Matt Ott, Andrew Parsons, Jackie Swanson, Chelsea Wehner

“Contagion” – Catch It!

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Boy, the future becomes to suck more and more.

Even sucking in the now time happens in “Contagion”. It is not a cinema suck – but a suck as to the matters at hand.

Or within the lungs.

Or bowel.

Or your brain!!!

The movie though? Pretty dang good.

I have “Contagion” fever! A-choo!!!

To what Steven Soderbergh, the old shit-kicker, wants to educate us, would be worth a closer look: “Contagion” stands out first of all with several top stars: Kate Winslet (Yes!), Marion Cotillard (Oui!), Gwyneth Paltrow (Meh.), Matt Damon, Jude Law and Laurence Fishburne.

This amount does Soderbergh, but also because “Contagion” is an apocalyptic thriller epidemics that so many must appear.

Body count = Box office. Fact.

It is a bird-flu-like epidemic that kills the people like flies. Or birds, since they named this flu.

Although the film shows nothing that can not already in other doomsday movies seen like “28 Days Later”, and “Outbreak” had, nevertheless impressed the perfect craftsmanship of the director.

He weaves a tapestry of images, a network of relationships knits from infection, health police and media reports covering the whole world – a symphony of the disease.

I would pay money to hear a disease symphony. They are rare.

Globalization and cinema par excellence, in the rapidly between Tokyo and New York and everywhere, and the way the disease is marked visually – simple peanuts, a innocent computer, a hand on a pole in the bus (a bus pole you dirty people – stop thinking like I think!).

The whole thing is very elegant and beautiful to see – maybe there is already a problem with a disease movie.

Above all, one must ask, what should it end? Other than for we must, at some point, get to go home from the cinema.

The first victim of the disease is Gwyneth Paltrow – no wonder!

She is a vegan and watches her few minutes of film correspondingly weakened and drained of blood from the laundry.

A very convenient place for a drainage (you can clean your bloody clothes while doing the dying).

The best scene of the movie then the one in which Paltrow lies dead on the autopsy table (type casting! I kid you Goop Queen).

Since her with a beautiful sawing noise of the skull is sawed and pulled the scalp (hers) to the front – suddenly her blond hair hanging under her chin.

Like poor Mr. Cobain after being the killed – shotgun to face style – by the shrewish Ms. Love (unproven, but I know. Yes… I know.).

As I watch her in the brain, of which obviously is not much left – I think “does vegan diet shrinks the brain – or the flu?” And it is then also equal the best dialogue of the film: “Oh my god! What’s that?” – “Should I call anyone?” – “Call everyone!”

Without concern for cellular calling plan. That is a bad-ass flu that puts the forget on that.

A new word we learned in the movie is called “disease clusters”.

Apparently, researchers analyze striking epidemics in clusters in clusters. Or a cluster-cluster.

The more clusters, the worse the hit when there is a fan shitting.

The most annoying moments are those in which Soderbergh with the disease still puritanical moralizing – disease trigger is a combination of cheating (pathogen sex!), gambling and the consumption of pork (Carnitas are too good to cause disease. Fact. Other pork products – watch out!).

And at the very end of Asia are still very poor hygiene and blame for everything!

What?

Well, if you have scapegoats. And who doesn’t like a goat?

So… no “Omega Man”, no “Andromeda Strain”. Yet I give two thumbs, fighting with sickness, flopping, sweat-covered, ever upward – in the liking!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. The Glee Project – Glee collision is fast approaching! Lindsay, you have not reached to me, yet I was your champion. I can still forgive. You can still call. I’m listed!

P.P.S. (or P.S.S. – English is hard) “Hunger Games” new trailer! Jennifer Lawrence, if you call first – Glee is dead to me.

September 2, 2011

Shark Night 3D [REVIEW]

“Shark Night 3D”

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

3D is the suck.

Roger Ebert knows.

You (the smart “you” people) know.

I know.

But, holy crap, it is “Shark Night 3D”!

Confession – I’ve been saving a fat green bud all summer for this movie experience. I now live in California and have the glaucoma.

Now go be jealous on me. It was whack.

I assure you that by now I do not care if David R. Ellis is not a good director.

If we talk about sharks and 3D, all that matters is how these thugs satiate their hunger floating.

Shark thugs that kick (bite?) ass – unlike pansy Sharks in “West Side Story”.

What for a motivations? To speed exhibitionism and gore, in pursuit of the teenager who was passing by clueless (all teenagers, really)? Or consciously, choosing his prey as he portrayed the great white Spielberg shark?

Right who will choose the first option.

In fact, without other parallels in your script, “Shark Night 3D” becomes the contemporary equivalent of “Jaws 3D”, which was also the suck, but I’m much too younger to remember.

I am also aware that “Jaws 3D”, even with all its faults, was Richard Matheson as a writer, which in “Shark Night 3D” does not even deserve to be taken into account (I’m sure “Shark Night 3D” had writers – I must check my notes.)

But despite all this, in both cases we speak of products designed to entertain young audiences with sharks, cute girls (va va voom!) and scares of a lifetime.

However, I do not think James Cameron is very happy with this use of film in three dimensions. For a son of a bitch rich guy, Cameron is often unhappy. Paradox (new English word!)!

In fact, Ellis uses the same formula with the sensationalism that is distilled in the last gasp in the series “Final Destination” or “Piranha 3D”.

Since we’re talking the director of “Snakes on a Plane”, we could not expect otherwise. I missed “who let these mother effin’ sharks in this mother effin’ 3D?!?”

Also, lest anyone forget that this is fiction realistic, responsible for managing the animatronic creatures is the great Walt Conti, responsible for this kind of trick in “Anaconda”, “Free Willy” (these titles back to back and I don’t make joke? Maturity FTW!) and “Deep Blue Sea” (crap pile).

Do you really want to know the plot of the movie? Judge for yourselves – seven young people from Tulane University summer in one of the most beautiful spots in Louisiana, Lake Pontchartrain.

Just when you begin to have fun, make their appearance sharks, and swimmers choose a dish on their (the sharks… in 3D!!!) menu.

What is not so clear is whether this is a chance zoological hiccup or a sinister plan, designed for other purposes (I see you “Jurassic Park”).

Ellis, already experimented with 3D in “The Final Destination” is an expert in underwater photography since he directed the second unit in the filming of “The Perfect Storm” and “Deep Blue Sea” (that crap pile again).

Mike Fleiss and Chris Briggs, producers, and worked together in “Hostel” (gag me once) and the remake of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” (gag me twice).

Both must have been in the head struck by a rock. Because “Shark Night 3D” made my summer a fun filled balloon of feel good shark-eating kids.

Was that me or the glaucoma medicine talking? Or both?

“Shark Night 3D” – Two thumbs pointing straight up like fin on a hungry shark after seeing that hot blonde stretching her bikini! She was fully formed!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Go Cougs! (My intern went to Washington State University and paid me $50 to for that in my review appear. Pay up, honey!)

August 26, 2011

Colombiana [REVIEW]

“Colombiana”

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

1992.

Colombia (cocaine, not District of).

The little nine-year Cataleya witnessed the murder of her parents. She manages to escape the slaughter with difficulty and takes refuge in the United States with Emilio, her mobster uncle.

(My mobster uncle was Jarkko – he drowned in a Norwegian fjord smuggling high proof liquor. No movies for Jarkko. Why Norway, Jarkko, why?)

Fifteen years later, she is working for him as a hit-person. Your business card, an orchid drawn on the chest of their victims is a message to the murderers of their parents, because Cataleya’s determination to take her revenge to its logical conclusion.

Even if it means sacrificing everything she loves.

Exactly like James Caan in “Thief”. But with a worse soundtrack (Tangerine Dream FTW!)

Written and produced by Luc Besson, “Colombiana” is one of those crappy ass movies that proves the French film a commercial for American coinage.

Or “The Birdcage” – but much less gay.

With an international cast, led by Zoe Saldana, Jordi Moll and Cliff Curtis, “Colombiana” has a technical bill as carefully as the rest of the production of Besson.

I stand by that statement.

The plot is predictable and tend to be known by all who read bestsellers or industrial enjoy thrillers which today are content to nurture the multiplex.

Zoe Saldana portrays Cataleya Restrepo, a girl so beautiful and smart (but no longer blue… I see you! “Avatar”, you lump heads… ), whose fortunes changed from a tragedy: her parents were murdered in Bogotá by order of a vicious drug dealer. Well mannered drug dealers are not so bad from what I hear.

Since then, Cataleya has learned to handle all types of weapons with two very different purposes.

On the one hand, shines the minions who work in the service of her uncle Emilio (Cliff Curtis).

For another, she spends her free time to settle criminals hoping to find the one that killed their parents, like we all would do, but less pretty.

In short, we have here yet another version of vigilante cool, capable of sacrificing one’s neighbor without entirely losing morality.

Otherwise, there is some relationship between this heroin and other Cataleya invented years ago by Besson: Nikita!

As usual in such films, the atmosphere is a key element. Since the filming took place between Paris, Chicago,Miami,New Orleans and Mexico City, is not surprising that the most characteristic of each of these urban environments come to light in the display.

Of the cities. For our eyeballs.

The director, Olivier Megaton, Olivier Fontana is really called, is part of the Team Besson since he directed “Transporter 3” (poop pile).

For more signs, was also the second unit director of “Hitman” (poop pile), which gives us the key to his specialty: persecutions, parkour (French people climbing walls like tweekers), shootings and, ultimately, all these more or less frenetic sequences that characterize the genre that we occupies.

Summary: Zoe Saldana is a fox.

“Columbiana”, though made by people who make poop piles, is not a poop pile. WHAT?!

One thumb has a stiffie, the other is neutral, like Switzerland without the snobbery.

Netflix for sure.

Save your money for Apollo 18. At the trailer, I made my own poop pile… a poop pile for good!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. September 20^th brings us new Glee. Lindsay, don’t let me down.

August 26, 2011August 26, 2011

The Help [REVIEW]

“The Help”

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

“The Help” is funny and touching (right in the heart chamber) adaptation of the novel of the same title published in 2009 by Kathryn Stockett.

How come it took so long to hang the book on the screen? I laugh at me.

Sockett’s book, a success in the Anglo market, makes a young American, “Skeeter” Phelan, whose relationship with two African-American women raised early sixties, a key cheerful and endearing, which was the movement Civil Rights in that country.

Was ever a more cheerful time?

With their impeccable debut film adaptation behind the camera to actor Tate Taylor, under whom works an excellent cast led by Emma Stone (“Easy A” – hubba!), Mike Vogel, Bryce Dallas Howard (she kicked my butt in “Terminator: Salvation”, even with red hair), Viola Davis, Octavia Spencer and Allison Janney (CJ in “The West Wing” and voice in those annoying Kaiser-Permanente commercials – I don’t want to thrive, alright?!?).

Broadly speaking, the script preserves the essential novel by Kathryn Stockett and gets carried away by the personality of three unforgettable characters: Aibileen Clark (Viola Davis), an African-American middle-aged white babysitter (white babies, Aibilieen is not white – this is important later), shattered by the loss of a son, Jackson Minny (Octavia Spencer), another black maid who dreams of a stable job (one that lasts awhile, not with horses), and Eugenia “Skeeter” Phelan (Emma Stone), the young graduate and aspiring writer who returns home and realizes that certain prejudices weigh like a millstone.

Except when you’re hot.

Set in Jackson, Mississippi, “The Help” portrays, through the comedy of manners and the intimate drama, the complicated emotional relationship plotted between white and black (no gray area here) communities throughout the sixties, just at that stage in which, happily, it all started to change.

Except for poor George Wallace. He wasn’t happy at all.

The success of this production will not surprise those who know the reputation that precedes the novel by Kathryn Stockett (if I write her name three times I get a free Kindle! Success!), a delightful book, which was rejected by sixty literary agents before they achieved the feat that is already on his lapel (contortionists – before you make letters, I know “feat” and “feet” are not the same. I’m from Finland, not Retardia.), selling five million copies and remain one hundred weeks on the bestseller list of The New York Times.

With Emma Stone and Viola Davis hired for the main roles, the rest of the casting was a relatively simple task. Throw a copy of the book down Sunset, hit an actor head-wise and “you’re in a movie!” Invented by Soderbergh. Genius.

And what about the atmosphere? This is another chapter in which the film succeeds completely (although it can’t really be seen – much like the air atmosphere we breath).

To preserve the spirit of the age and local color, the team moved to Greenwood, Mississippi.

Parts of the film also took place Jackson,Clarksdale and Greenville. Undoubtedly, all contribute to the feeling of breathing the whole truth. And being surrounded by hicks.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. The Glee Project?!? WTF?!?! Lindsay, if you need comfort, contact me at Manka Bros. You have made Ginnifer Goodwin no longer exist on me. Forever.

July 30, 2011

The Smurfs [REVIEW]

The Smurfs

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

What the Smurf?!?

Another Smurfing CGI poopfest of the summer of pooping Smurfed-up films?

The movie studios have Smurfed us again – right up the Smurfhole.

If animated characters take on real actors, then alarm bells should ring. Excluding again the extraordinary movie gem Beowulf (genius!), it is also already hard at all to call a movie of this kind that can convince.

Then, when a studio then tries the popular cartoon series The Smurfs and in this, is messed up, then red alert should be achieved!

Success!

Anyone who is curious nonetheless: Yes, The Smurfs is really a very weak movie that nobody has to look at – but if you do, blame only yourself (or your Smurfingly annoying mate who said it would be good – dump her now!).

Smurfs live concealed in a village, hidden from the outside world. And it also has a good reason: Among others, it has the evil wizard Gargamel (Hank Azaria) who dicks with Smurfs (not literally – it’s kids movie!). But eventually he succeeds and his cat, Azrael (who does not dick), still make the village identified and found.

During their flight, a little Smurf group, including Papa Smurf and Smurfette (whore), in a magic vortex that brings them into an alien world: New York City – in and of our time.

Then, even Smurfs can’t get a ticket to Book of Mormon (sad Smurfs). And since Gargamel was also to New York, they seek refuge with Grace (Jayma Mays – boring in Glee. Have sex with Mr. Schuester already!) and Patrick (Neil Patrick Harris – ladykiller!), who are trying to help the Smurfs on their way back.

The concept is simple: Take a well-known franchise (in this case, The Smurfs), invent a hair-raising story line and try with as simplistic gags at least a little pep in the boring construct bring.

Or not.

The Smurfs makes it quite simple and shipped the blue little people with the help of a rather cheap gimmick in our world to be found (this is confusing).

As a consequence of a classic culture clash show is taken off, but unfortunately it lacks the rear to the front of even a semi-good idea.

The highlight is when there already is a hopelessly misplaced Gargamel heedless of a braking car.

Hurp durp.

Yes, The Smurfs actually tried it with only the very stale gags that were boring 25 years ago (or more – think vaudeville… IF YOU DARE!) and have since been contradicted by constantly chewed just such ideas and soulless, embarrassing movies.

For any half-experienced viewers of the film ensures only for a large dollop of boredom and who is looking for something for children, should be no problems have a better alternative to find the pool of wonderful animated films.

Even Neil Patrick Harris fans can save the visit as the How I Met Your Mother star burned here is just merciless.

Something like The Smurfs comes out just when they (money grubbing studio tycoons like Khan Manka, Jr.) tries again every last cent out of an old franchise to push.

The story is bleh, the gags are all lukewarm damp squishy sandwich and otherwise it is primarily a high dumbness.

View may well be the only very young audience, but otherwise everyone else of the moviegoers already implemented have seen better.

If I had paid any Smurfing money to see this Smurf-fest… well, I would have yelled “Smurf off and die!” Smurfing Smurf Smurfers. So, one thumb – Smurfing… downward.

Kimmo Mustonenen (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. This learned from The Glee Project – Ryan Murphy is a tool.