Khan Manka Family – Page 4

July 22, 2011July 5, 2022

Leaving For My House In The Seychelles

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Good morning.

This afternoon, I will be leaving for my house in the Seychelles and probably won’t return until after Labor Day.

(Quick reminder: Labor Day is not a Holiday at Manka Bros. – this was my father’s thing for some reason and I will uphold the tradition.)

Manka Bros. is having a terrible year and, like my friend Rupert Murdoch, I put the blame squarely on you, the mid-to-lower level employees.

I’m not sure what else you people expect Senior Management to do. We’ve done all we can. It’s now up to you to pull us out of the shitter!

It’s very simple. Make movies that will be successful and TV shows that people want to watch. That’s it. We’re not asking you to create a new life-form.

I would also like someone to solve the digital transition issue by the time I get back.

Lloyd Grohl will have complete control over the studio while I am gone. If anyone needs to reach me – you can’t. I’ll be in touch with you (but probably not).

The plane will be picking up Leann Womack (I know, it’s back on – don’t ask) in Nashville. After that, my phone will be turned off for six weeks. I may blog, I may not.

Also, as some of you may know, Manka Bros. did not have a presence at Comic-Con this year. I gave a keynote address there last year and realized it’s just a little too ridiculous for someone of my stature.

Along those lines, I have decided NOT to move forward with a Captain Stoppo movie. It appears that comic book movies are dead. FYI, this may affect headcount at MC Comics.

I’ll see you in September. Pray that I have good weather and the sand isn’t too hard on my feet.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 18, 2011July 18, 2011

In Defense of Rupert Murdoch

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Rupert Murdoch doesn’t have a lot of friends these days.

It seems the only defenders he has are the people he pays to write puff pieces in the newspapers he owns.

As a fellow media mogul, I feel I must defend my good friend Rupert.

It is not easy to build an empire. And it’s certainly not easy to hold one together – just ask Caesar or one of those other Roman guys.

Crushing the opposition can be tiresome. It’s much easier to be passive.

Rupert’s empire is unraveling – an empire that started with him taking over a failed junior high school newspaper in some God forsaken bush town in the Australian Outback (or something) and building it into one of the largest media companies in the world (though Manka Bros. remains #1).

How did he do it? He worked hard, he was fearless, and, yes, he hacked into voice mails. [Manka Bros. legal disclaimer: This last statement should read ‘allegedly’ – we don’t know if he was ‘fearless’.]

I last spoke to Rupert a couple of weeks ago at Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference. We participated in the ‘Mogulympics’ together. He was quite impressive in the long jump – though he kept hitting the foul line which kept him out of the medals.

This, I suppose, could be a metaphor for the way he conducts business. Or, he’s just 80 years old and doesn’t really know what the fuck he is doing anymore.

I was lucky. I inherited my media empire from my father and my uncles. I didn’t have to build it from scratch like Rupert or Sumner or my uncles (who sold a donkey to buy a movie camera).

In fact, I haven’t really had to do shit for the past 30 years (though there have been lots of lunches and galas which can get exhausting). The bullying, intimidation, spying and threats on other people’s lives was done by those before me. Because of my large security staff, people know not to fuck with Manka Bros.… so they don’t.

Now I must speak directly to Rupert for a moment:

If you choose to roll over, Rupert, it will be an insult to all of us moguls.

Even if you are guilty and did, in fact, ruin people’s lives, etc. you must continue to deny it and blame others. That’s the mogul way. Honesty is for losers.

And if, God forbid, you find yourself becoming remorseful over what you’ve done (ugh) and have an uncontrollable urge to “do the right thing”, remember the Mogul Credo: “I am a mogul, I am better than all others.” (Copyright 2003 – Bob Iger)

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Rupert Murdoch is my friend (though he did try to run me out of business in the 1990s and still owes me $100 from a Super Bowl pool he didn’t win… but I digress).

Rupert runs a charity (M.I.L.K) to find lost kittens.

Rupert is an active participant in my monthly book club for moguls.

The embroidered pillow cases Rupert personally made for my daughter’s Bat Mitzvah were incredibly beautiful.

It just kills me that he is going through all this ‘hacking’ unpleasantness.

Don’t people realize that every time you log onto Facebook, or buy a movie ticket, milk, gas, etc., those companies get all of your personal information going back to the sonogram when you were in the womb?

Anyone who reads this blog might as well hand over the deed to their house. We know the movies you went to this weekend, the TV shows you watched… the food you ate. Hey Jenny B. in Tuscon, how did you enjoy “Harry Potter”? And did you like Papa John’s new stuffed crust pizza? We noticed you had three pieces – it must have been good!

So, people of the world, don’t get all schadenfreude-ish with Rupert and hope that his empire comes crashing down. All moguls do what he’s doing and will continue to long after he’s gone (either death or jail).

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 5, 2011July 8, 2011

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – Day 1

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Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference 2011

Day 1 — Day 2 – Day 2.5 – Day 3

DAY 1 – TUESDAY AFTERNOON UPDATE:

My plane landed safely at Friedman Airport. I was picked up on the tarmac by a self-driving Google car. This scared the shit out of me, especially when I sat in the back and was greeted with a video of Sergey Brin asking me “Where do you want to go today, Khan?” I told the Sergey screen to take me immediately to The Drankin’ Hole at the Sun Valley Lodge. The Google car performed pretty well in mid-day traffic (Idaho traffic) – though the small talk conversation with the Sergey video screen was a little forced.

I am now safely at The Drankin Hole and have ordered two dirty martinis from my favorite bartender in the world – Bin Tran. Philippe Dauman is at the other end of the bar talking to himself. I don’t want to interrupt.

———————————————————————————————

DAY 1 – TUESDAY MORNING

Good morning.

OK, so I decided (after a couple of long, late night conversations with Sumner Redstone) that I would attend Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference again this year.

After last year’s conference (an absolute drunken freak fest), I vowed never to attend again. On top of that, I’m still recovering from my horrifying keynote address to the Bilderberg Conference last month in Switzerland.

But then I received Herb’s child-like invitation a few weeks ago (see left) – and it was so charming, like a 3-year-old’s birthday party invitation – that I started to change my mind.

Believe me, a child-like mentality is what is necessary for a conference like this. It’s all bullshit, you know, and if you don’t come in with an absolute open mind, what’s the point of any of it, right?

Sumner will not be attending and that makes me a little sad but, deep down, that’s fine because I’m fairly young (in mogul years) and don’t want to be linked with that dinosaur forever. I mean, Rupert is bad enough – put Rupert and Sumner together and it’s time to break out the knitting shawls and crank up the heat.

The other night Sumner was talking about how great Cinemascope was and I just had to get off the phone. Dig up Carl Laemmle or my dad if you want to talk about that shit, old man. Leave me out of it. I’m into digital now, loser.

But I digress…

So, yes, I am heading up to Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference and will be posting updates as much as I possibly can – depending on my state of inebriation.

I feel it is my duty as Chairman & CEO of the World’s Largest Media Company to attend this very important conference (at least in Herb’s mind) for the sake of my stockholders and board of directors.

I’ve been told to bring comfortable clothes, really good workout shoes and as many Dramamine as I can fit in my bag. I’m not sure what that last order meant – but I’ll abide it all the same – Herb is God up there and you don’t want to fuck with God.

So, another Sun Valley fest is upon us. May Herb have mercy on us all.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

August 5, 2010August 6, 2018

Hollywood’s Dark Lord – Harry Manka: 1886-1976

Normally, I’m too busy to talk about my father’s death (which happened on this date in 1976) but since I am at my Montauk beach house looking out at the Atlantic Ocean with a very nice bottle of Slivovitz, I have a little bit of time (and am drunk enough) to write about my dad.

Harry Manka was a real prick. Not just to me but to all of my mothers (he had ten wives – I’ve never really been sure which one was my real mother).

But people outside the family loved Harry Manka. He was called Hollywood’s Dark Lord for his habit of holding certain actors and writers hostage in the attic of Building 23 on the studio lot (dubbed “The Tower”) until they gave in to his demands.

Harry Manka had an amazing ability to stay alive. Most people thought he would die from his sixth heart attack in 1958 (the year of my birth) – but he would go on to have two more and two strokes over the next 18 years.

He drank a bottle of Crown Royal every day, smoked three packs of unfiltered Camel Turkish Gold cigarettes every day and smoked a box of cigars every day.

Dad must have loved horrible movies and television shows because he was constantly making them. During the early 1970s, he nearly bankrupt our family and the studio with such gems as Escape From Satan’s Planet and Black Illiad.

But this is not a day to piss on my father’s grave.

This is a day to remember a man who co-founded the World’s Largest Media Company (though it wasn’t the largest when I took over in 1976) with my two Uncles – the great Khan Manka (Sr.) who died tragically in 1937; and crazy Simeon Manka (1882 – 1958) who died on Hollywood Blvd. wearing only a sandwich board that read “Benny’s World of Beef.”

I vaguely remember the day of Harry Manka’s death. I received a call from C.J. Siegal, my dad’s personal assistant, who told me he was killed on the golf course after being hit with an errant tee shot.

We knew nothing could kill my dad and suddenly he dies after being hit with a golf ball? It was crazy.

To this day, no one has confirmed who hit the ball that killed my dad. But we know. He was playing with Bob Hope, Joey Levitch and President of the U.S. – GERALD FORD. Who do you think killed Harry Manka?

C.J. was horrified when I told him I wouldn’t be able to come to the house later to be with the family because my band – King Khan – was getting ready for a very important gig at the Starlite Room in North Hollywood. Plus, later that night I had tickets for Jefferson Starship at the Forum. Being the son of a movie mogul, I always got backstage passes and nothing was going to stop me from using them.

On the day of his death, I was named Chairman & CEO of Manka Bros. Studios.

I did not want this job.

I wanted to take and smoke a lot of drugs with my Hollywood friends.

I didn’t want to wear shoes and go to an office. I could feel that my band was really starting to take off.

But C.J. Siegal reasoned with me and said I could immediately sign my own band to the Manka Bros. Records label and record a real album. This convinced me to take the job.

But after two weeks in that giant office with movie stars and directors begging you to make their movies, I quickly dropped the band and never recorded that album.

I realized being a media mogul is so much more impressive than being in a garage band. No matter how good our version of “Smoke On The Water” was.

So, here we are, 34 years later, and Manka Bros. is the World’s Largest Media Company.

I’ll leave you with one final thought – one of the last things my father ever said to me: “If you’re going to waste your life – go ahead and kill yourself. I’ll even give you the pills or the gun to do it!” – Harry Manka (1886-1976).

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios

August 4, 2010May 3, 2011

Manka Bros.’ Gay Marriage Policy

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Yes, even though I am still at my Montauk house on vacation (recovering from Chelsea Clinton’s wedding) people still think it’s okay to bother me.

So last night, I received an urgent call from Natalie Kim – the head of Manka Bros. Human Resources. She says she has received hundreds of emails from employees who wanted a clarification of Manka Bros.’ Gay Marriage Policy.

Even though I am heading out the door to play squash with Mort Zuckerman, I will take a couple of moments to address this issue.

Yes, Manka Bros. supports gay marriage.

Married employees (gay or straight) all receive the same benefits and perks (i.e., health coverage, 401K, 10% off Studio Store merchandise, free yogurt Fridays, etc.).

In fact, Manka Bros. has supported gay marriage for over 50 years – ever since my father, the asshole Harry Manka, signed a talent contract with Danny Kaye. Part of the deal was that he would be allowed to be gay inside the studio and actually have a husband and a house on the lot.

[Manka Bros. Corporate Legal Disclaimer: There is no proof that Danny Kaye was gay – he was just “allowed to be gay”.]

Because that experiment worked so well and kept Mr. Kaye so happy, it soon became Manka Bros.’ company policy – anyone who wanted to be gay and be married while at work was allowed to be. There were some strict guidelines though:

No sex on Midwest Street (only in certain alleyways of the Greenwich Village backlot set would sex be tolerated);

No gold lame bikini briefs (that was my father’s issue and has since been repealed for anyone working in Manka Bros. Theatrical or Television development);

And no showtunes or cabaret music of any kind to played during company events (this remains in effect and will never be repealed as long as I draw a breath). Headphones are okay, I just don’t want to hear about it.

So, while many of you may be rejoicing in the overturning of Prop. 8, take comfort in the fact that it was always okay to be gay (and married) at Manka Bros.

In fact, I think this is a great opportunity for some of you in a loveless sham of a heterosexual marriage (i.e., Jay McBee) to come out and try to find the same-sex man or woman of your dreams.

Frankly, why anyone would want to be married is beyond me. (My three ex-wives wanted to be married to me so they could all get rich in the divorce… gold digging bitches.) But at Manka Bros., everyone is at least given that right.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 21, 2010September 12, 2013

Khan Manka, Jr. – Comic-Con 2010 Keynote Address

Ann VanderMeer, Ben Fritz, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Bob Schreck, Charlaine Harris, Comic Con 2010, Comic-Con, Comic-Con is Dead, Dan Buckley, David Glanzer, Diane Nelson, Edgar Wright, Gary Berman, Geoff Boucher, Geoff Johns, Heidi McDonald, J. Michael Straczynski, Jack Kirby, Jeannie Schultz, Jeff Zucker, Jerry Beck, Jessica Alba, Jillian Tamaki, Jim Lee, Joe Quesada, Khan Manka, Manka Bros., Mark Evanier, MC Comics, Neal Adams, Paul Levitz, Richard Alf, Rupert Murdoch, Scott Shaw, Shel Dorf, Stan Freberg, Stan Lee, The World's Largest Media Company, Tim Kring, Wrath of Con Award, Wrath of Khan Award, Zach Enterlin, Zak Penn, Zorianna Kit

Before I get started, I just want say that I am not a geek.

I am not a freak.

I am not a dork.

So why am I here today?

I’m here because you geeks, freaks and dorks help keep me in private planes and make my Holmby Hills house very very affordable.

And even though I would rather cut off my own head than to sit and have a private conversation with any of you idiots, I am very happy that you exist and continue to support Manka Bros. and our MC Comics imprint.

But, let me be clear, I do not want to talk about what happened in Show X, Episode Blah Blah of Season Blah. One reason is I probably don’t know the answers. Another reason is that I seriously don’t give a shit.

And if I hear one more question about when we’re going to make a “Captain Stoppo” movie, I will spray you with bug repellent and have your all-inclusive convention passes ripped to shreds.

All that said… let’s get started. Roll the TelePrompTer.

WELCOME TO COMIC-CON 2010! That was quite an opening ceremony. I particularly love the annual Running Of The Freaks! So many costumes. So many potential heart attacks.

And how about that Parade of Batmans? Who knew there were so many Batmans over the years? Well done.

After my speech, I will illuminate the Ceremonial Lightsaber and Comic-Con will officially begin!

I am pleased to be joined on this stage by the Distinguished Legion of Magnificent Elders and the League of UltraTriumverants… (off-script) … whatever the fuck that means.

[Behind Mr. Manka, in folding chairs, are several people dressed as superheroes, sci-fi characters and elves.]

I am told the guy with the Chewbacca head over there has never missed a single day of the convention since Comic-Con started 40 years ago. I would imagine you’ve seen it all, huh, pal?

[Chewbacca nods his head several times.]

They are here to present me with the Wrath Of Con Award – though I’ve been told, in my honor, they have changed it to the Wrath of Khan Award!

[Silence – except for one high pitched laugh from the back of the crowd.]

Who the fuck said that joke would land? It’s pronounced the same fucking way. The joke is that the award is changed to Wrath of K-H-A-N – not C-O-N.

[There are some mild chuckles from the crowd and then a few sneezes and coughs.]

I don’t know if any of you can see the award – but it’s this stupid little Ricardo Montalban doll put on a trophy base. Pretty ridiculous. Maybe my dog would like to play with it.

[Stunned silence then a few ‘gasps’ and one very loud “FUCK YOU!”]

Moving on. Many in the press have said that Comic-Con is dead. That Hollywood has killed the goose that laid the golden egg. That’s ridiculous. First of all, the word “laid” should never be used in a room like this. Am I right? I mean, look at you.

[Several loud ‘boos’ and some wheezing.]

What the fuck, Ethan? Who’s the idiot that said that joke would work? Jesus Christ. I’m flying solo here! Get out of my sight!

[Ethan Rubidoux – President of Manka Bros. Consumer Products, Live Theater, Sports and Digital Distribution – ducks behind a stage pillar.]

OK, OK – calm down, you nudnicks!

Hey, loser with the PrompTer, get back to my speech. It’s rolling all over the fucking place. OK… good…

Seventy-five years ago, my father (the asshole Harry Manka) and uncles (Khan (Sr.) and Simeon) purchased the rights to a little known comic strip for thirty-five cents from a starving child artist on Hollywood Blvd. The kid wanted forty cents but my dad talked him down. That comic strip? “Captain Stoppo”…

[Wild applause and some shouts.]

Who would have thought that dumb little cartoon would become the foundation of MC Comics – the World’s Largest Comic Book company. With iconic characters such as The Planet 4, Dumb Kirk, Sniper Ken, Fig Men, Hydrogen Bob and the Flamer, MC Comics has no real rival. I weep for Marvel and DC Comics and their pathetic little characters.

Believe me, if my life were in danger, I would trust The Liberal Spear to save my neck before suck ass Batman or Spider-man. Am I right?

[Some applause. Some ‘boos’.]

So, I know I was supposed to speak for an hour – but I don’t really have any more prepared remarks.

But before I open it up for questions, I have a question for you: What can YOU do for ME? Well, if I may answer for you, you can watch my networks.

We have a bunch of geeky ass shit on our MBS network this fall. I suppose the new “Forensics” season is worth watching.

We also have a weird, egghead-type sci-fi show “The Real Truth” slated for mid-season. I’m not sure what it will replace since most of our fall shows are horrible and will most likely be canceled.

From our Theatrical Group, The Planet 4 (Earth Shield 4X) is opening October 15. We have a presentation tomorrow at Qualcomm Stadium. The entire cast will be on hand and, I’m told… hang on, I have to read this… they will be arriving from Planet 4 via Flidrox c41?

Does that mean anything to you wastoids?

[Applause and shouts of approval from the crowd.]

Is that some kind of space ship? Goddamn, what do you think that cost?

So that’s it, I suppose.

Thanks for the Wrath of Con (Khan) Award. I will do my best to uphold the high standards of last year’s winner – Rupert Murdoch. I’m not sure if he actually won it, I really have no idea.

What time are cocktails? I believe Manka Bros. is having our party on some hotel rooftop. I’m happy to say none of you freaks are invited.

I’ll now open it up for questions…

OK, yeah, Batman there in the third row. Question?

Batman: Any plans for a “Captain Stoppo” movie?

Khan Manka, Jr.: I’m out of here! Fuck you all!

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

June 30, 2010May 5, 2011

Beverly Hills High School Commencement Address

Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, Beverly Hills High School, Bill Bradbury, Bob Iger, Chairman's Blog, Commencement Address, Harry Manka, Harvey Levin, Herb Hall, Jay Guidetti, Jeff Weiner, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Jeffrey Zucker, Joel Pressman, Josh Butchart, Keith Rust, Khan Manka, Manka Bros., Peter Chernin, Romeo Carey, Rupert Murdoch, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, The World's Largest Media Company, TMZ, World's Largest Media Company

About a week ago, I gave the Commencement Address at my old high school – Beverly Hills High. I wasn’t going to mention this because it didn’t really go as I had planned – but since the assholes at TMZ posted excerpts without my permission, I thought I would put it up without editorial comment or HEAVY EDITING (which TMZ did in an attempt to make me look ridiculous). Sorry shitbags, you lose. I’m too powerful in this town to to ever be considered ridiculous. So here is my speech in its entirety.

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Beverly Hills High School Graduation Ceremony – June 18, 2010

Good afternoon.

I got drunk this morning before coming here because when you are the Chairman & CEO of the World’s Largest Media Company, you can do shit like that.

[A huge cheer goes up from the crowd.]

You’ve all managed to do something that I didn’t even come close to doing – graduate high school. And yet, I’m the only one here running a giant media company. What the fuck is up with that?!

[Another huge cheer.]

I dropped out of this school because I wanted to spend more time smoking pot and working to make King Khan the best goddamned rock band in the world. If my father, the horrible Harry Manka, wouldn’t have died (forcing me to take over as head of Manka Bros. Studios when I was 18 years old), we fucking would have been the best goddamned rock band in the world!

[There is a commotion as the Principal attempts to interrupt Mr. Manka. The students boo the Principal and scream “Let him speak!”]

What the fuck…! Don’t handle me, asshole! I’ll shut this dream crusher of a school down!

Now where was I? Fuck it. I’ll just wing it. Uh, there’s only a handful of us powerful media moguls out there – even more if you count Bob Iger and Jeffrey Katzenberg! I don’t count them – ha! Just kidding – Bob Iger and I like to do jigsaw puzzles together.

The decisions us moguls make affect how the world spends its leisure time. If I tell you to go see Super Draculas next month in 3D at an IMAX theater, you’ll go because we can control your fucking minds. We control what makes you laugh and cry and scream and kill. If you try to cross us, we will destroy your lives.

Most of you kids are rich punks much like I was back in the 1970s. Once your parents die, you’ll be set. But that won’t stop you because you all think you’re so fucking great. You all think you’re entitled to everything without working for it. Most of you will start companies that will fail but somehow, through your little cliques of rich buddies and bitches, you’ll keep getting money to fail and fail again. And you won’t care if you fail because it’s all just a fucking game to you!

[The crowd has turned on Mr. Manka and many things are being thrown at the stage. The Principal manages to grab Mr. Manka around the waist.]

Is that it? Am I done?! Fine! I’ll see you all in Hell!

[Mr. Manka is escorted from the stage, flipping off the graduates and crowd with both hands.]
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You know what? Upon re-reading this transcript, I stand by my speech and think it’s totally brilliant.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

June 9, 2010May 5, 2011

Rupert Murdoch and Sumner Redstone

Adam Townsend, Alan Greenberg, Angeline Straka, Anthea Disney, Anthony G. Ambrosio, Ari Emanuel, Arnold Kopelson, Beryl Cook, Blythe McGarvie, Brad Grey, Bruce Gordon, Carl Folta, Charles Gifford, Charles Phillips, Chase Carey, David Devoe, David Poltrack, David R. Angelman, Debra Lee, DeDe Lea, Denise White, Doug Morris, Fred Salerno, Gary Countryman, Gary Ginsberg, Genie Gavenchak, George Abrams, Gil Schwartz, Jack Horner, James Barge, James Bombassei, James Murdoch, Jeff Weiner, Jill Kennedy, John Nallen, Joseph Califano, Joseph Ianniello, Jr., Jr. Frederic Salerno, Judy McGrath, Julie Henderson, Kara Swisher, Khan Manka, Lawrence Jacobs, Leonard Goldberg, Les Moonves, Linda Griego, Louis Briskman, Manka Bros., Martin Franks, Michael Fricklas, Michael Regan, Nikki Finke, OnMedea, Philippe Dauman, Reed Nolte, Richard M. Jones, Robert Kraft, Roger Ailes, Rupert Murdoch, Shari Redstone, Sharon Waxman, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, thewrap.com, Thomas Dooley, Tom Mockridge, Tony Santabarbara, Wade Davis, William Cohen, William Schwartz, World's Largest Media Company

“I’m a firm believer that everyone is a freakin’ idiot and don’t know shit about nothing…” – Harry Manka (my father)

Good afternoon. It’s been a while.

I’ve been away for the past few weeks working on a secret deal. I can’t tell you the details but I can say that I rode back on Manka Jet 1 (The Joey) with Rupert Murdoch and Sumner Redstone.

If you want to believe that the deal somehow involves them then go ahead and make that assumption. Make an asshole out of yourself.

As we all know, the world is going digital. And as goes the world – so goes Manka Bros. Studios (or is it the reverse?). With the world’s largest library of film and television content, Manka Bros. is in the best position to take advantage of this digital (r)evolution.

Rupert Murdoch and Sumner Redstone’s pathetic attempt to purchase Manka Bros. over the weekend for several billion dollars just proves how bullish we should all be at our company.

Keep up the work (I can’t say “good” work because, frankly, you’ve all sucked at your jobs the past few months. How about a hit movie [WTF is “Flaccid Trip”?] or TV show [“My Wife Left Me For Bucky Dent”?]… for once?!).

More to come in the remaining days before I disappear for the summer.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

January 28, 2010May 6, 2011

Davos World Economic Forum – Khan Manka, Jr. Keynote Address

Adrian Monck, Al Berkeley, Alan Marcus, Alex Wong, Andre Schneider, Angela Bromstad, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, Carine Benetti, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, Carlos Ghosn, Carsten Sudhoff, Christine Lagarde, Christophe Weber, Cristiana Falcone, David Aikman, Davos World Economic Forum, Denise Burnet, Dominic Waughray, Electus, Emilio Lozoya Austin, Ernesto Zedillo Ponce de Leon, Fon Mathuros, Giancarlo Bruno, Gilbert Probst, Guy Goodwin, Guy-Serge Baer, H.M. Queen Rania, Harry Manka, Heizo Takenaka, Helena Leurent, Indra Nooyi, Irene Mia, Ivan Pictet, Jean-Loup Denereaz, Jean-Pierre Rosso, Jeff Immelt, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jennifer Blanke, Jeremy Jurgens, John Moavenzadeh, Josef Ackermann, Joseph Schoendorf, Julianne Jammers, Katerine Tweedie, Kevin Steinberg, Khan Manka, Klaus Schwab, Kofi Annan, Kristel Van der Elst, Kurt Alig, Laurent Desnoux, Lee Howell, Lisa Dreier, Logan Stanton, Malte Godbersen, Manka Bros., Margareta Drzeniek Hanouz, Martina Gmur, Massimo Marino, Maurice Levy, Max von Bismarck, Melanie Rogers, Michael Dell, Mirjam Schoning, Nazi gold, Niall FitzGerald, Nicolas Sarkozy, Olivier Raynaud, OnMedea, Orit Gadiesh, Paul Smyke, Peter Brabeck-Letmathe, Peter Sutherland, Piers Cumberlege, Pratik Bhatnagar, Rajat Gupta, Regula Waltenspuel, Richard Samans, Ricky Van Veen, Robert Greenhill, Rupert Murdoch, Saadia Zahidi, Sarita Nayyar, Sheana Tambourgi, Sherif El Diwany, Stephanie Janet, Stephen Kinnock, Sumner Redstone, Susan Hockfield, Sushant Palakurthi Rao, Terry Semel, Tony Blair, Victor L.L. Chu, William George, world's largest media company

[Manka Bros. Studios Chairman & CEO Khan Manka, Jr. gave a keynote address today at the Davos World Economic Forum in Switzerland. He wanted me to post a transcript of his speech for everyone at the studio to read. It is posted, unedited, below. — Vicky Adler-Modry – Senior Executive Assistant to Khan Manka, Jr.]

KHAN MANKA, JR. ADDRESSES THE 2010 DAVOS, SWITZERLAND WORLD ECONOMIC FORUM – JANUARY 28, 2010

Khan Manka, Jr.: Thank you very much President Sarkozy for that incredible introduction. I had no idea of the impact I and my company have had on you throughout your life. I was genuinely moved by your words. Give my love to your smoking hot wife.

[French President Nicolas Sarkozy embraces Khan Manka, Jr. and exits the stage.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Thanks to the World Economic Forum Committee – or as I like to call them “The Drunken Dozen” – for choosing me to address this conference. It’s not often that an ex-hippie song plugger from the Laurel Canyon neighborhood of Los Angeles gets this kind of an opportunity. But it’s not often that a hippie song plugger from Laurel Canyon becomes the head of the World’s Largest Media Company. I can thank my bastard dad (legendary Hollywood mogul and Manka Bros. founding brother Harry Manka) for dying 35 years ago and sticking me with this suck ass job.

[Khan Manka, Jr. has to hold while the audience laughs uproariously.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Let me get right to it. You bankers with your ski resort conferences and presentations looking for answers on what went wrong is such a joke to me.

[A few audible hisses and one very loud “bull shit” is heard from the crowd.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Fuck you guys. The global economy is not a difficult thing to figure out. Make shit that people want to buy and sell it for a price that people can pay. There is a reason Manka Bros. is the World’s Largest Media Company. It’s simple. It’s because we are the biggest and we are not stupid. When Jimmy Cameron came to me and said he wanted to make a $400 million dollar movie about blue people set on a distant planet, I passed. No fucking way am I shooting a movie on another planet. It’s expensive enough in California!

[Silence.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: I then asked him if he had any teenage Frankenstein movies. Actually, he did. I’m happy to say Manka Bros. has started production on James Cameron’s “Frankie Stein” – for a budget that is almost half of what it cost to make “Avatar“. THAT’S good business. That’s why we’re still IN business.

[Silence.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: The media world is especially easy to figure out. Everybody is trying to come up with new business models, new gadgets, new ways for people to experience the crappy shit we all produce. Translation: We’ve got to exploit this horrible movie or TV series on multiple platforms so we can get our money back. MAKE GOOD CONTENT AND PEOPLE WILL BUY IT. If you want to stick it on an iPad or a Lieberscanner 3000, go right ahead. But first, find writers who can write, directors who can direct, actors who can act, and producers who can produce. Everything else will take care of itself.

[Applause and a few shouts of approval.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: You international bankers are a real freaky bunch. You love to find ways not to give me money for my movies. It’s not like you’re strapped for cash. You recovered and kept all that gold the Nazi’s stole, for Christ’s sake!

[There is gasp from the audience.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: But you’ll all be sorry. We’ve got a great film slate. I thought you idiots liked Will Ferrell. We’ve got three movies with him ready to go: “Gregory Lopez: Excellent Plumber”, “Ray Edwards: African Explorer”, and, my favorite, “Mud Jenkins: County Assessor”. We’re going to make billions with or without your precious money… that you stole!

[A red light flashes in Khan Manka, Jr.’s face.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: I’m being told to wrap it up. So I will end with these words from my Uncle – the great Khan Manka, Sr. – “Hollywood is a town where everybody is desperate for success and nearly everyone fails. But if you are a mogul and you make movies, you will get laid… a lot.” Thank you. I’ll be drinking tonight with the Money Honey at the Hotel Eden bar if anyone would like to come over and get drunk with me.

[Khan Manka, Jr. exits the stage.]

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

January 13, 2010May 6, 2011

Oren Aviv – Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer You A Job

Alan Bergman, Alan Braverman, Andrew Mooney, Andy Bird, Anne Sweeney, Anthony Marcoly, Ari Emanual, Bob Cavallo, Bob Chapek, Bob Iger, Bob Zemeckis, Brent Woodford, Bruce Hendricks, Christine McCarthy, Chuck Viane, Claudia Eller, Daniel Battsek, Dawn Chmielewski, Dick Cook, Disney, Dr. Ed. Catmull, George Bodenheimer, Greg Brandeau, Jay Rasulo, Jayne Parker, Jeff Miller, Jeff Weiner, Jeremy Zimmer, Jerry Bruckheimer, Joe Roth, John Lasseter, John Travolta, Johnny Depp, Kara Swisher, Kevin Mayer, Khan Manka, Manka Bros., McG, Nikki Finke, Oren Aviv, Pixar, Preston Padden, Rich Ross, Richard Ross, Robin Williams, Ronald Iden, Rupert Murdoch, Sam Gores, Sandra Bullock, Sharon Waxman, Stacey Snider, Steve Wadsworth, Steven Spielberg, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, thewrap.com, Thomas Schumacher, Thomas Staggs, Tim Burton, Walt Disney Studios, Walter Liss, Zenia Mucha

Yesterday, I was shocked to learn that Oren Aviv was fired as President of Disney Motion Picture Productions. While I have never met Mr. Aviv personally, I have heard that he is an excellent cribbage player (and you all know how much I admire good cribbage).

I’m not really sure what Rich Ross has in mind for his executive team at Disney but it seems to me he’s really fucking things up and creating a Colonel Kurtz-like environment of ultimate power. Ultimate power over teenage girl media content… but still ultimate power.

Well, I say, good luck to him. All I can hope is that my good friend Bob Iger has Mr. Ross on a short leash. I get a creepy feeling whenever I drive past the Disney Studios as though those freakin’ Dwarfs are watching my every move. I wouldn’t be surprised if the severed heads of middle managers start to appear on the Disney perimeter fence – stuck on top of the iron Micky Mouse ears – as a warning to those who don’t fall in line.

(And please don’t email me about the above comment. I realize the severed head thing happened many years ago at Manka Bros. when my father, Harry Manka, ran the studio – but it was only that one time – and I heard the guy deserved it.)

But I digress. Back back to Oren Aviv.

Manka Bros., the world’s largest media company, would like to offer Mr. Aviv a very high-level position at the studio. Perhaps even President of the Manka Bros. Theatrical Group (especially considering how shitty a job Robin Rafe has been doing these last couple of years). Even Disney’s worse year is far better than our best year lately.

Whatever job you think you might like, Oren, just let me know. I’m happy to push out anyone (with the exception of Lloyd Grohl) to give you a place here. Things are looking up for Manka Bros. and we’d love to have you on our team.

And don’t even think about going to Fox (Rupert Murdoch will make you clean the urinals) or Paramount (Sumner Redstone will make you wipe his ass).

Let me know, Oren, ASAP – I have a feeling a lot more are about to be fired.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company