Category: Manka Bros.

November 28, 2017December 19, 2018

The Manka Bros. Holiday Party Has Been Cancelled… Again

2017 has been an historic year for Manka Bros.

Historically shitty.

This year, we upped the ante for high profile tentpole theatrical releases… and all of them sucked.

Our TV slate has never been worse and our prospects for a bright future seem, at the moment, to be fucked.

We announced to great fanfare MankaGoNow – an over-the-top experience like no other in the industry – and it has FAILED SPECTACULARLY!

So… because of these and other reasons, I am cancelling the Holiday party for employees which was going to be at L.A. Live and was going to be amazing. I would have happily paid the enormous cost for this event if any of you would have deserved it.

We would have had the run of the place: the skating rink, the restaurants, the Microsoft Theater (including a private concert by Katy Perry) and we were all going to stay at the Ritz Carlton or some other high-end hotel with rooms available.

It was going to be a magical night for the thousands of Manka Bros. employees and their families.

Oh, well, maybe next year you won’t be so bad at your jobs. (Be thankful you still have jobs.)

However, as I am not Scrooge, you still get Christmas day off.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – I am keeping a block of suites at the Ritz-Carlton for the senior management team so we can attempt to figure out how to save 2018 (I’ll see if Katy Perry will give a scaled down performance.)

October 3, 2017October 3, 2017

Manka Bros. Seeks $3 Billion To Crush Jeffrey Katzenberg’s $2 Billion ‘Start-Up’

Good afternoon from Maui!

This morning, I read in the New York Times that my good friend Jeffrey Katzenberg is trying to raise $2 billion from Hollywood and Silicon Valley to form a digital media company that focuses only on short-form video.

REALLY expensive short-form video. And it’s name… NEW TV. That’s like developing an alternative to water and calling it NEW WATER.

Genius, Jeff, when did that thunderbolt of creativity strike you? Always innovating. Never resting. (Here’s us talking at Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference about the future of entertainment.)

With $2 billion dollars you can make that “start-up garage” in your back yard really nice. It’s not a broken door placed on a couple of saw horses for you. Nothing but the best Malayan Banyan wood for your desk!

Reading about your completely fresh and original idea gave me an entirely new completely fresh and original idea.

[Cue THUNDERCLAP.]

MANKA BROS. IS GOING TO RAISE $3 BILLION SO WE CAN PUT YOUR MEASLY $2 BILLION START-UP OUT OF BUSINESS!

Who’s the innovator now?

If you pay George Clooney $1 million for a ten-minute short, we’ll pay George Clooney $2 million for a ten-minute short.

If you pay David Fincher $500K for a highly-stylized 15-second Instagram post, we’ll pay David Fincher $600K for an even more highly-stylized Instagram post.

Don’t think we won’t do it, sonny boy.

We’re crazy over here at Manka Bros.

When you’ve got brain damage like us, you’re willing to spend $10 million on a 5-second Snapchat post directed by Steven Spielberg that disappears forever after 24 hours.

When you’ve got brain damage like us, you’re willing to spend $3 billion of someone else’s money on a concept that has proven to be nothing more than a vast money pit.

THAT’S brain damage, my friend, and if you don’t have it, you will fail in an all-mobile content world!

Until we get an official name for the $3 billion start-up, I’ll have to go with the name and artwork that the idiots in my Theatrical marketing department came up with:

So listen up Silicon Valley, Manka Bros. is headed your way, get your Venmo apps ready. We also accept Apple Pay, PayPal, Bitcoin, personal check and even cash in paper bag.

And remember, this $3 billion first-round is not only helping to fund the world’s best content at Manka Bros., it’s helping to stop Jeffrey Katzenberg – and that should be reward enough.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 14, 2017July 14, 2017

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 3 – World’s Fastest Man

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 1: Old Media? That’s Cute.

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 2: Rocky Horror

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 3: World’s Fastest Man

Last night was a lot of fun.

After Wednesday night’s cringe-worthy and disastrous production of “Rocky Horror Picture Show,” we all were looking forward to a something tonight that would give our lives some fucking meaning. Something that would motivate us to do great things once we leave Herb’s sacred valley.

We probably didn’t get that but I had a good time.

Last night (after a dinner of spaghetti and meatballs – with bottomless garlic bread – prepared by Mario Batali), we got the WORLD’S FASTEST MAN – USAIN BOLT. And he was unexpectedly hilarious. It was more of a stand-up routine than a motivational keynote. I would even call it DE-motivational after all the shots he took some of the bigwigs in the audience.

Here’s a transcript of an audio recording I made on my iPhone (which will never be released because Herb Allen and his thugs will put explosives under my car if I did).

[Thanks to my assistant Vicky Adler-Modry for transcribing the audio.]

Herb Allen: We’ve got a real treat for you tonight. This room is packed full of high-performing individuals. We’ve all become masters in the industry in which we are working but as great as our accomplishments have been, none of us can claim to be the “World’s Fastest Man” other than our keynote speaker tonight, Usain Bolt!

[Applause… “It’s Getting Hot In Here” plays as Usain Bolt goes to the podium.]

Usain Bolt: Thank you. Thank you so much. Great. Thanks to Herb Allen. Dinner was excellent. Really love the chocolate fountain. Very happy that I run fast because after that dinner, I may have to run the toilet. You know what I’m saying? Jeff Bezos knows – look at that painful smile – that’s from the marble cake, my friend! I saw you walking around earlier, Jeff, you’re supposed to check your guns at the gate. Bro, nice arms. You’ve been working out. Probably from lifting all those boxes and putting them in trucks.

[A few chuckles in the crowd.]

Usain Bolt: Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference. Whew, a lot rich people in here. Every person in this room could call the point one percent their bitches.

[More laughs.]

Usain Bolt: Sorry for my language. That’s not a nice thing to say. To the lady in the room here, I apologize.

[A couple of ‘boos’…]

Usain Bolt: You hear a lot about diversity. We’ve been trying to get more diverse in track and field. We’re starting to allow those who aren’t as fast or strong into competition just to give everybody a fair chance.

[Laughs.]

Usain Bolt: I see Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner are in the house.

[Some applause.]

Usain Bolt: Jared, I bet right now you wish you could run as fast as me.

[Laughs.]

Usain Bolt: Unfortunately, you can’t run from controversy, my friend. Colluding with the Russians, huh?

Herb Allen (off mic): We’re not talking about politics tonight, Usain.

Usain Bolt: OK, Herb. I’ll lay off the traitor. Funny, you never hear about governments colluding with the Jamaicans. We probably had a lot of the same information on Hillary but we’re always so baked it’s hard to keep it straight. Right? But I kid the people of my homeland…

[Laughs.]

Usain Bolt: Who else is here tonight? OK Google – where’s Sergey and Larry? There they are hiding in the back. Don’t worry don’t worry I have nothing but love for you guys. Somebody had to steal the world’s data and get wildly rich from it. I’m glad it was you guys and not that Zuckerberg fellow – oh, I suppose he did that, too. Damn… a lot of identity thieves in this room. Good for you. Data mining is the future. Much more valuable than gold. Without data – we have no data. And then where are we? Dataless. A world without data is like a world without sunshine. If we were in a world without sunshine, at least we have the data on the sunshine. But I’m a little out of my element here – I’m just the fastest man in the world. What do I know?

[Sighs and shuffling is heard. The crowd appears to be getting uncomfortable.]

Usain Bolt: A lot of Hollywood moguls here tonight. Are you guys gonna be OK? I worry about you guys. Are you behind on your rent? You need a loan – Warren Buffett is right over there – he writes checks to everybody in need. Every day people say movies are dead. TV is dead. I think that’s bullshit. You’ll be fine. I don’t have a joke – it’s just what I believe. Except Manka Brothers – where’s Khan Manka? Dude, you guys suck. I’m kidding my brother from another brother… except for that last thing I said, you guys really do suck.

[Laughs.]

Usain Bolt: I love the look on Herb Allen’s face. Not what you were expecting, huh, Herb?

Herb Allen (off mic): Not even close to what I was expecting.

Usain Bolt: OK, I’m not really a speech giver. I told you that. But you still wanted me to come for a hundred thousand dollars. So – I’ll finish up quickly so we can hit the vomitorium. Here’s some real advice this room can use going forward to make the world a better place. I’ve always said that if you have a dream, it can be achieved no matter how ridiculous. Going to the moon. Going to Mars. Self-driving cars. If it’s dreamed, it can be achieved. Anyone in this room could be the world’s fastest man if you tried hard enough and wanted it hard enough. No matter your age or how many legs you have. Even Rupert Murdoch could become the world’s fastest man. All you have to do it beat me! Good night everyone – see you in the hot tub!

[Light applause.]

Like I said, not very motivating. But when is anything at this conference ever motivating.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 1 – Old Media? That’s Cute.

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 2 – Rocky Horror

July 13, 2017July 14, 2017

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 2 – Rocky Horror

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 1: Old Media? That’s Cute.

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 2: Rocky Horror

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 3: World’s Fastest Man

There are times when a media blackout for a meaningless conference like this is completely unnecessary.

But after what I saw last night (and can now never un-see), the media blackout was fortuitous and absolutely necessary.

No one outside of the (mostly) horrified people in that room can EVER see what happened last night. I just pray the GoPro dude didn’t have his helmet cam going (and why must he always wear that goddamned helmet – even during dinner?).

A little backstory before I get to the narrative… Herbie Allen likes to shake it up a bit during these conferences. There is always one night that is completely fucked up, nonsensical and, frankly, bat shit crazy.

We’ve had the Mogulympics, Burning Mogul, The Acid Trip, Build-A-Bike, Improv Night… things that can be embarrassing at times but also gets us out of our comfort zone.

This year’s special night put us so far out of our comfort zone that, I’m sure, many contemplated suicide, murder (or both) or, at the very least, to gouge out their eyes with a fork.

On Barry Diller’s suggestion (which no one ever ignores), Herb decided to stage a concert version of “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” starring, duh, Barry Diller as Dr. Frank N. Furter. Supposedly, Barry knew the part by heart after seeing hundreds of midnight screenings over the years.

We Hollywood moguls (and Silicon Valley punks) have seen a lot of fucked up shit over the years. But this promised to be the fucked-up-est shit we would probably see in our lifetimes.

Sheryl Sandberg was slotted in to play Janet (after Marissa Mayer was un-coupled unceremoniously from the conference by Herb Allen). Sheryl (spoiler alert) actually had an amazing Broadway-quality voice and a fearless stage presence. It was, yes, cringe inducing to see her in basically the exact costumes that Susan Sarandon wore in the movie – but she pulled it off.

Snapchat’s Evan Siegal, you would think, would be the perfect choice for the uptight, white bread jerk Brad but failed miserably due to his complete lack of any creative ability. Which is fine. He’s not an actor. But the look on his face as though he thought he was awesome was annoying.

Riff Raff, the creepy sidekick of Frank N. Furter was played by movie producer Brian Grazer (due to his ability to learn choreography fast) and his woman friend Magenta was played by a Silicon Valley guy in drag that I will not name for fear of being murdered. (Remember, not many women get invited to this conference unless they are a wife getting spa treatments – so there is a very small talent pool for key female roles.)

And, needless to say, the part that Meatloaf played in the movie – was attempted pathetically by Harvey Weinstein.

I could give a very long detailed review of this… event… but I will not. Key highlights as follows:

As soon as the lights black out to indicate the beginning of the show, the room full of drunken moguls make dumb jokes about renewable energy in Sun Valley. The power is fine it’s just the start of the show.

Herb Allen, wearing a mask with just red lips that seem to float in the air, starts the opening number. To get a better visual idea of what we saw – though less polished – I am embedding clips from “Rocky Horror” that are relevant. Remember while watching this that Herb Allen’s voice is fingers-on-a-chalkboard horrible:

The opening song was the longest four minutes of my life. Much longer than the four minutes I was locked in a steamer trunk without air in Singapore (off the record).

Well, that is, until Barry Diller came out as Frank N. Furter in, what I was told, was the actual costume – bought at auction by Barry – that Tim Curry wore in the original movie.

It didn’t quite fit Barry’s current frame which really made his first song “Sweet Transvestite” hard to watch. The song was staged by Herb almost exactly as the movie – so you can picture what was attempted here:

I just can’t go on with too many details.

I should have just let last night’s insanity die the death it deserved.

If it was all in fun, that’s one thing, but Herb was serious – and that makes him psychotic. He thought there was good work being done.

Just imagine Harvey Weinstein doing this scene – which he… did?

All this said, as horrific of a night as it was – and even the incredible Bin Tran could not serve enough alcohol to make it all go away – there was one moment that was sublime.

Once you had accepted that Barry Diller was wearing a ten size too small costume for Frank N. Furter and was badly stumbling through the songs and choreography, when he got to “I’m Going Home” – knowing the context of his real life – his impatience with idiots, stupid people and morons – his brilliance in media and his laser focus on the future – there was not a dry eye in the house when he was finished.

Tim Curry was a no talent hack compared to Barry last night:

It was a triumphal moment of “fuck you” to anyone that says attempting things that are unconventional and uncomfortable is foolish.

When I saw Rupert Murdoch tearing up when Barry Diller sang (sort of) “I’m Going Home,” I knew a break through of humanity had happen.

It was a crazy night of Herb Allen being Herb – well done, sir.

Evan Spiegal at Snapchat was the only punk bitch of the night only because Barry Diller got all the accolades and Spiegal got nothing but bad reviews and downgraded stock outlook by Morgan Stanley. At least you had a BMW in college, B.

Tomorrow should be fun – I think Usain Bolt is giving a speech on how we can all the fastest person in the world!

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 1 – Old Media? That’s Cute.

July 11, 2017July 14, 2017

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 1 – Old Media? That’s Cute

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 1: Old Media? That’s Cute.

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 2: Rocky Horror

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 3: World’s Fastest Man

Another Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, another week attempting suicide by alcohol consumption.

The plane approach at the Sun Valley airport was reminiscent to a “Top Gun” dogfight. Rupert Murdoch’s pilot is a fucking maniac. They nearly crushed my plane trying to beat us to the landing.

My self-driving hover car or whatever it was (courtesy of Elon Musk) was no better. They have now incorporated an AI “driver” that chats in taxi cab driver-type small talk on the way to your destination. I know that fucking robot did not care how my flight was.

While the Silicon Valley guys (remember – no girls) roll into the Sun Valley Lodge like rock stars, we in old media get the reception of a singing waiter at a pasta joint… “yeah, yeah, I know you can fucking sing – but where’s my lasagna?”

I don’t know. This may be my last year in Sun Valley. Who needs this shit?

We moguls used to rule this school and now the new titans talk at us like we’re in a retirement home unable to control our bladders. (To be fair, there are a few here in which that is true… Rupert?)

My self-driving car made it without issue except for the weird little racist screaming that the AI driver yelled at an Asian man crossing the street illegally. Strange to program it like that – like a real taxi driver.

I walked past the media veal in their little caged square barely able to move and walked into the third best hotel in Sun Valley!

After check in, I did what any out-of-touch, cast-off-by-society, irrelevant person would do – I headed straight for the bar to reminisce about the “good old days.”

I entered The Duchin Lounge (aka “The Drankin’ Hole”) and wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles, my old buddy, the best goddamned bartender in the world, Vin Tran, was right where he was supposed to be – behind the bar, ready to serve.

Vin: Mr. Khan Manka, Jr. – so great to see you. A friendly face.

Me: Not friendly till you get me goddamned drink.

Vin: Dirty martini?

Me: Two of ’em. I want them filthy.

Vin: Coming up.

I looked around the bar. Pretty slow start. Philippe Dauman playing Frogger in the corner, mumbling to himself (just like last year) and Jony Ive of Apple clicking furiously on his Blackberry.

Me: How have you been, Vin?

Vin: Terrible, boss. My wife is divorcing me. Say she going to take everything. She even said she was going to take my job.

Me: At least she didn’t get that.

Vin: She did! I’m training her. She starts in two weeks!

Me: Ugh, that’s awful. Divorce is terrible. I’ve stopped doing it. If you need a job and a new start, come to Burbank, I’ll set you up in the kitchen there.

Vin: Thanks, boss. You are a great man. Here are your dirty martinis – the dirtiest I ever made. Excuse me.

I sucked down the first one and immediately began to think straight. Why did I come here again? We, in Hollywood, used to dictate what people would see and how they would see it.

Now giant movie studios are simply looked at as a cozy acquisition target to be tucked away in the “Entertainment” division of a “much more important company.” A company that “small frys” like us could only one day dream to understand its complexity and importance.

Speaking on cozy acquisitions, Jeffrey Katzenberg entered the bar, looking tan, relaxed, a fidget spinner twirling in each hand.

Katzenberg: Khan! Wassup!

Me: Hello Jeff, you’re looking fit.

Katzenberg: $3.8 billion will do that to a person! Ha! Bin Tran, triple rosy!

Bin Tran starts making some sort of fruity drink with a splash of alcohol. Wearing his new media uniform of bald head and black turtleneck, Katzenberg glides into the seat next to me.

Katzenberg: How tricks, Khan? Same old grind? Same old media? Bloated movies and TV shows. Wishing it was 1975?

Me: Yes, to all of it.

Katzenberg: And what’s going on with your theatrical business? First you abandon your tentpole strategy, then you start it up again? What’s going on? Manka Bros. is a mess!

Me: The movie industry’s a shit storm right now. Just a crappy business. We just bought the rights to Lincoln Logs to make, you know, LEGO-type movies and video games. It’s all just crap.

Katzenberg: You’re in an unsustainable business, my friend. You’ve got $60 an hour Teamsters just sitting in trucks all day waiting to move a set from one three hundred foot sound stage to another. I’ve got an unpaid filmmaker who gets my coffee, shoots the video on her camera and edits it in fifteen seconds. Multiply that by thousands of times a day. Zero in production costs – fifty dollars in ad revenue over the life of the project. Do that a million times and you’ve got… fifty times a million. Fifty million dollars without having to do shit. I’m the future, Khanie. New media. My company is WndrCo – no “o” – no “e”–

Me: What?

Katzenberg: $600 million dollars has been given to me to create the future. Want a piece?

Me: That’s the future?

Katzenberg: Yes. Little videos, made by influencers… capisce?

Me: Like PewDiePie?–

Katzenberg: Fuck that guy! Nazi German prick.

The few moguls who had made to the bar look at Katzenberg.

Katzenberg: (lowering his voice) – Yes, like him… without the racism.

Katzenberg takes a drink of his fruit punch, resuming one of the fidget spinners.

Katzenberg: Oh, and VR. LOTS of VR! Shit’s gonna blow your mind.

He does the “mind blow” pantomime with his hand against his head.

Katzenberg: WndrCo – no “o” – no “e”…

The Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference has begun…

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 1 – Old Media? That’s Cute.

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 2 – Rocky Horror