I’m fucking sick every time there is a monthly update by Dumb Jack Fuck, SVP of the Manka Bros. Television Group, when he tells me we are losing cable subscribers at an alarming rate.
With friends like the cable MSOs, who needs enemies?
So, sorry, Comcast.
Sorry Charter/TWC – or whatever bullshit name you have now.
You won’t have Manka Bros. to negotiate with anymore. You can give our measly 65 cent per subscriber fee for Manka Classic Movies to Ovation or some other dinosaur TV channel because MANKA BROS. IS GOING OVER-THE-TOP!
Introducing MankaGoNow – the ultimate over-the-top experience for those who would rather spend their $200/month buying little tools and furniture in Minecraft.
Thanks to amazing new technology, we no longer have to get our television channels to you via a satellite orbiting the Earth. We can now deliver the same quality programming to the consumer via a cable that is buried in the ground or stretched across the ocean. That’s progress, my friends.
The time for change is now. I see the trends – LOOK AT THIS FREAKIN’ CHART!
Only old media companies with the balls to reinvent themselves (i.e., MANKA BROS.) will survive. The rest of you will continue suck down shitty martinis at The Smoke House and reflect on the great old days when no one questioned your business models and Donny & Marie ruled primetime TV.
By going direct-to-consumer, customers now get the same amazing programming that we have on our cable channels but now everything will be available at anytime on-demand ALL FOR AN AMAZING PRICE OF $34.99/MONTH!
That’s a sick deal, you cord-cutting idiots who are trying to bury old media alive in a shallow grave.
The eggheads in Manka finance say all we need are 20 million subscribers and we’re in the money (which is only a fifth of what we get now from Comcast).
If I can drink a fifth of vodka a day, I can definitely get a fifth of our current subscribers to suck-ass Comcast to plunk over $35 a month for the best content in the world.
Would you buy a Picasso for $34.99 a month?
Would you see “Hamilton” on Broadway for $34.99?
Hell, yes, you would!
“Tennessee Williams’ Haunted Alligators,” “Forensics,” “My Wife Left Me For Bucky Dent,” “OMDB,” – and the hits go on and on – totally on demand – watch when you want, how you want, where you want – all for $34.99 a month.
Compare MankaGoNow to other crappy services out there and, you will see, there is no comparison:
And it gets better! Because we haven’t quite figured out the payment system, we are offering this service to you for a couple of months free of charge!
Simply go HERE and poke around. If you find a show or classic film, just hit play and it will play – on-demand, for free!
You’re Welcome, World!
Remember this day – the day Manka Bros. destroyed Disney.
P.S. – The martinis at The Smoke House aren’t shitty – I was just making a point.