Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 3: World’s Fastest Man
Last night was a lot of fun.
After Wednesday night’s cringe-worthy and disastrous production of “Rocky Horror Picture Show,” we all were looking forward to a something tonight that would give our lives some fucking meaning. Something that would motivate us to do great things once we leave Herb’s sacred valley.
We probably didn’t get that but I had a good time.
Last night (after a dinner of spaghetti and meatballs – with bottomless garlic bread – prepared by Mario Batali), we got the WORLD’S FASTEST MAN – USAIN BOLT. And he was unexpectedly hilarious. It was more of a stand-up routine than a motivational keynote. I would even call it DE-motivational after all the shots he took some of the bigwigs in the audience.
Here’s a transcript of an audio recording I made on my iPhone (which will never be released because Herb Allen and his thugs will put explosives under my car if I did).
[Thanks to my assistant Vicky Adler-Modry for transcribing the audio.]
Herb Allen: We’ve got a real treat for you tonight. This room is packed full of high-performing individuals. We’ve all become masters in the industry in which we are working but as great as our accomplishments have been, none of us can claim to be the “World’s Fastest Man” other than our keynote speaker tonight, Usain Bolt!
[Applause… “It’s Getting Hot In Here” plays as Usain Bolt goes to the podium.]
Usain Bolt: Thank you. Thank you so much. Great. Thanks to Herb Allen. Dinner was excellent. Really love the chocolate fountain. Very happy that I run fast because after that dinner, I may have to run the toilet. You know what I’m saying? Jeff Bezos knows – look at that painful smile – that’s from the marble cake, my friend! I saw you walking around earlier, Jeff, you’re supposed to check your guns at the gate. Bro, nice arms. You’ve been working out. Probably from lifting all those boxes and putting them in trucks.
[A few chuckles in the crowd.]
Usain Bolt: Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference. Whew, a lot rich people in here. Every person in this room could call the point one percent their bitches.
Usain Bolt: Sorry for my language. That’s not a nice thing to say. To the lady in the room here, I apologize.
[A couple of ‘boos’…]
Usain Bolt: You hear a lot about diversity. We’ve been trying to get more diverse in track and field. We’re starting to allow those who aren’t as fast or strong into competition just to give everybody a fair chance.
Usain Bolt: I see Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner are in the house.
Usain Bolt: Jared, I bet right now you wish you could run as fast as me.
Usain Bolt: Unfortunately, you can’t run from controversy, my friend. Colluding with the Russians, huh?
Herb Allen (off mic): We’re not talking about politics tonight, Usain.
Usain Bolt: OK, Herb. I’ll lay off the traitor. Funny, you never hear about governments colluding with the Jamaicans. We probably had a lot of the same information on Hillary but we’re always so baked it’s hard to keep it straight. Right? But I kid the people of my homeland…
Usain Bolt: Who else is here tonight? OK Google – where’s Sergey and Larry? There they are hiding in the back. Don’t worry don’t worry I have nothing but love for you guys. Somebody had to steal the world’s data and get wildly rich from it. I’m glad it was you guys and not that Zuckerberg fellow – oh, I suppose he did that, too. Damn… a lot of identity thieves in this room. Good for you. Data mining is the future. Much more valuable than gold. Without data – we have no data. And then where are we? Dataless. A world without data is like a world without sunshine. If we were in a world without sunshine, at least we have the data on the sunshine. But I’m a little out of my element here – I’m just the fastest man in the world. What do I know?
[Sighs and shuffling is heard. The crowd appears to be getting uncomfortable.]
Usain Bolt: A lot of Hollywood moguls here tonight. Are you guys gonna be OK? I worry about you guys. Are you behind on your rent? You need a loan – Warren Buffett is right over there – he writes checks to everybody in need. Every day people say movies are dead. TV is dead. I think that’s bullshit. You’ll be fine. I don’t have a joke – it’s just what I believe. Except Manka Brothers – where’s Khan Manka? Dude, you guys suck. I’m kidding my brother from another brother… except for that last thing I said, you guys really do suck.
Usain Bolt: I love the look on Herb Allen’s face. Not what you were expecting, huh, Herb?
Herb Allen (off mic): Not even close to what I was expecting.
Usain Bolt: OK, I’m not really a speech giver. I told you that. But you still wanted me to come for a hundred thousand dollars. So – I’ll finish up quickly so we can hit the vomitorium. Here’s some real advice this room can use going forward to make the world a better place. I’ve always said that if you have a dream, it can be achieved no matter how ridiculous. Going to the moon. Going to Mars. Self-driving cars. If it’s dreamed, it can be achieved. Anyone in this room could be the world’s fastest man if you tried hard enough and wanted it hard enough. No matter your age or how many legs you have. Even Rupert Murdoch could become the world’s fastest man. All you have to do it beat me! Good night everyone – see you in the hot tub!
Like I said, not very motivating. But when is anything at this conference ever motivating.