Manka Bros. – Page 2 – Chairman's Blog

November 28, 2017December 19, 2018

The Manka Bros. Holiday Party Has Been Cancelled… Again

2017 has been an historic year for Manka Bros.

Historically shitty.

This year, we upped the ante for high profile tentpole theatrical releases… and all of them sucked.

Our TV slate has never been worse and our prospects for a bright future seem, at the moment, to be fucked.

We announced to great fanfare MankaGoNow – an over-the-top experience like no other in the industry – and it has FAILED SPECTACULARLY!

So… because of these and other reasons, I am cancelling the Holiday party for employees which was going to be at L.A. Live and was going to be amazing. I would have happily paid the enormous cost for this event if any of you would have deserved it.

We would have had the run of the place: the skating rink, the restaurants, the Microsoft Theater (including a private concert by Katy Perry) and we were all going to stay at the Ritz Carlton or some other high-end hotel with rooms available.

It was going to be a magical night for the thousands of Manka Bros. employees and their families.

Oh, well, maybe next year you won’t be so bad at your jobs. (Be thankful you still have jobs.)

However, as I am not Scrooge, you still get Christmas day off.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – I am keeping a block of suites at the Ritz-Carlton for the senior management team so we can attempt to figure out how to save 2018 (I’ll see if Katy Perry will give a scaled down performance.)

October 3, 2017October 3, 2017

Manka Bros. Seeks $3 Billion To Crush Jeffrey Katzenberg’s $2 Billion ‘Start-Up’

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Herb Allen's Sun Valley Conference 2016, Sun Valley Lodge, Bin Tran, Vin Tran, Lee S Ainslie III, Yousef Al Otaiba, Hans-Holger Albrecht, Paul G Allen, James Anderson, Marc Andreessen, Michael Angelakis, Tim Armstrong, Nikesh Arora, Neil M Ashe, Emilio Azcarraga, Manvinder S Banga, Lionel Barber, Craig R Barrett, Willow Bay, Andreas Bechtolsheim, Marc Benioff, Jeffrey Berg, James Berkus, Michael S Berman, Mark Bertolini, Gary Bettman, Jeff Bewkes, Jeffrey P Bezos, Aneel Bhusri, The Right Honorable Tony Blair, Gregory R Blatt, Anthony H Bloom, Michael R Bloomberg, Steven R Boal, Scott A Bommer, Cory A Booker, Jeffrey H Boyd, Sergey Brin, Glenn Britt, Tom Brokaw, Michael J Brown, Howard G Buffett, Susie Buffett, Warren Buffett, John Burbank, Stephen Burke, Erin Burnett, Ursula Burns, John E Bush, Jeanie Buss, John A Canning Jr., Chase Carey, Wences Casares, Mark Casey, Kenneth Chenault, Peter Chernin, Brian Chesky, Richard Chilton, Chris Christie, Lewis Cime, Adriana Cisneros, Gustavo Cisneros, Vittorio Colao, Timothy Collins, Patrick Collison, Timothy Cook, Anderson Cooper, David Corkins, Delos Cosgrove, Dick Costolo, Cristian Croitoru, Henry Crumpton, Jose Luis Cutrale, Will Danoff, Philippe Dauman, Christopher Davis, Alfonso de Angoitia, John DeGioia, Diego Della Valle, Brian Demain, Andre Desmarais, David DeVoe, Feroz Dewan, William DeWitt, Barry Diller, Daniel Doctoroff, Jonathan Dolgen, John Donahoe, Jack Dorsey, Michael Duke, Mathias Dopfner, David Ebersman, Wesley Edens, Marvin Edwards, Eric Eisner, Michael Eisner, John Elkann, Thomas Evans, Randel Falco, Jose Antonio Fernandez, Michael Ferror, Niall W. A. FitzGerald, Thomas Friedman, Michael Fries, Tommy Frist, Daniel Fulton, Michael Fux, Mala Gaonkar, Whitfield Gardner, William Gates, Melinda Gates, Julius Genachowski, Daniel Gilbert, Thomas Giovine, David Goldberg, Roger Goodell, Bing Gordon, Donald Graham, Brian Grazer, Brad Grey, John Griffin, Andreas Halvorsen, Reed Hastings, General Michael Hayden USAF, James Heavener, John Hendricks, John Henry, John Heyman, Kazuo Hirai, John Hock, Reid Hoffman, Won Pyo Hong, Lisa Hook, Ben Horowitz, Drew Houston, Robert Iger, David Ignatius, Martin Indyk, Phillip Jackson, Eli Jacobs, Paul Jacobs, Robert Johnson, Salar Kamanger, Peter Karmanos, Alexander Karp, Michael Karsch, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Michael Keating, Brian Kelly, Muhtar Kent, Joseph Robert Kerrey, Dara Khosrowshahi, Seth Klaman, Joel Klein, Peter Klein, Philip H Knight, Victor Koo, Robert Kotick, Robert Kraft, Henry Kravis, Ynon Kreiz, Blake Krikorian, Ananda Krishnan, Stan Kroenke, Daniel Lamarre, Michael Larson, Martin Lau, Michael Leavitt, Jay Lee, Eric Lefkofsky, Theordore Leonsis, Max Levchin, David Levin, Phil Libin, Martin Lipton, Bryan Lourd, Kenneth W Lowe, Michael Lowenstein, Dan Lufkin, Dennis P LYnch, Michael Lynton, Maurice Levy, John Malone, Robert Marcus, Morris Mark, Donald Mattrick, Kathleen A McCarragher, General Stanley A McChrystal, Andrew McKenna, General Montgomery C Meigs, Lorenzo Mendoza, Ron Meyer, Roberto Mignone, Hiroshi Mikitani, Bill Miller, Kenneth Miranda, Thomas Monahan, Leslie Moonves, Luis Alberto Moreno, Dan Moskovitz, Craig Mundle, James Murdoch, Rupert Mudoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Nathan Myhrvold, Michael Neidorff, Jonathan M Nelson, Vivi Nevo, Sam Nunn, Michael E O'Hanlon, Daniel J O'Keefe, Don O'Neal, Ronald L Olson, Evan Osnos, CL Butch Otter, Michael Ovitz, Larry Page, Stephen G Pagliuca, Saul Pannell, Mark Papa, William Pappendick, MIchael Pausic, Minxin Pei, Francois-Henry Pinault, Mark Pincus, Laurene Powell, Lawrence F Probst, Rebecca Quick, Thomas Rabe, Jay Rasulo, Jerry Reinsdorf, Danny Rimer, Richard Riordan, Ambassador Charles H Rivkin, Brian Roberts, James Robinson IIi, James Robinson IV, Fernando Rodes Vila, Brian Rogers, Congressman Mike Rogers, Charlie Rose, Daniel Rose, Wilbur L Ross, Haim Saban, Karim Sadjadpour, Sheryl Sandberg, Ricky Sandler, Ted Sarandos, Fayez Sarofim, Nassef Sawiris, Eric Schmidt, John Schneider, Christopher Schroeder, John Scully, Allan Selig, Nicole Seligman, Eric Semler, William Siegel, Herbert Siegel, Ben Silbermann, Christopher Silbermann, Louis Simpson, Eduardo Sirotsky Melzer, Andrew Sorkin, Sir Martin Sorrell, Thomas Staggs, Cristina Stenbeck, David Stern, Michael Stone, Sir Howard Stringer, Robert Swan, Peter Thiel, Mark Thompson, Sebastian Thrun, Thomas Tull, Peter Ueberroth, Joseph Vacanti, Jeffrey Van Harte, Owen Van Natta, Martin Varsavsky, Leftie Vaughn, Michelangelo Volpi, Alexandre Von Furstenberg, Dian von Furstenberg, Casey Wasserman, David Weinberg, Judd Weinberg, Jeff Weiner, Harvey Weinstein, Wallace R Weitz, Robert Werbel, Michael White, Meg Whitman, Jim Wiatt, James Williams, Fred Wilpon, Jeffrey Wilpon, Fred Wilson, David J Winters, Nicholas Woodman, Major General Amos Yadlin, Jerry Yang, Jed York, David Zaslav, Dirk E Ziff, Gianfranco Zoppas, Mark Zuckerberg, Jack Ma, Jeff Bezos, Tony Wible, Marissa Mayer, General Stanley McChrystal, John Kerry, Michael Bloomberg, Justin Trudeau, Iggy Azalea

Good afternoon from Maui!

This morning, I read in the New York Times that my good friend Jeffrey Katzenberg is trying to raise $2 billion from Hollywood and Silicon Valley to form a digital media company that focuses only on short-form video.

REALLY expensive short-form video. And it’s name… NEW TV. That’s like developing an alternative to water and calling it NEW WATER.

Genius, Jeff, when did that thunderbolt of creativity strike you? Always innovating. Never resting. (Here’s us talking at Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference about the future of entertainment.)

With $2 billion dollars you can make that “start-up garage” in your back yard really nice. It’s not a broken door placed on a couple of saw horses for you. Nothing but the best Malayan Banyan wood for your desk!

Reading about your completely fresh and original idea gave me an entirely new completely fresh and original idea.

[Cue THUNDERCLAP.]

MANKA BROS. IS GOING TO RAISE $3 BILLION SO WE CAN PUT YOUR MEASLY $2 BILLION START-UP OUT OF BUSINESS!

Who’s the innovator now?

If you pay George Clooney $1 million for a ten-minute short, we’ll pay George Clooney $2 million for a ten-minute short.

If you pay David Fincher $500K for a highly-stylized 15-second Instagram post, we’ll pay David Fincher $600K for an even more highly-stylized Instagram post.

Don’t think we won’t do it, sonny boy.

We’re crazy over here at Manka Bros.

When you’ve got brain damage like us, you’re willing to spend $10 million on a 5-second Snapchat post directed by Steven Spielberg that disappears forever after 24 hours.

When you’ve got brain damage like us, you’re willing to spend $3 billion of someone else’s money on a concept that has proven to be nothing more than a vast money pit.

THAT’S brain damage, my friend, and if you don’t have it, you will fail in an all-mobile content world!

Until we get an official name for the $3 billion start-up, I’ll have to go with the name and artwork that the idiots in my Theatrical marketing department came up with:

So listen up Silicon Valley, Manka Bros. is headed your way, get your Venmo apps ready. We also accept Apple Pay, PayPal, Bitcoin, personal check and even cash in paper bag.

And remember, this $3 billion first-round is not only helping to fund the world’s best content at Manka Bros., it’s helping to stop Jeffrey Katzenberg – and that should be reward enough.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 14, 2017July 14, 2017

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 3 – World’s Fastest Man

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 1: Old Media? That’s Cute.

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 2: Rocky Horror

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 3: World’s Fastest Man

Last night was a lot of fun.

After Wednesday night’s cringe-worthy and disastrous production of “Rocky Horror Picture Show,” we all were looking forward to a something tonight that would give our lives some fucking meaning. Something that would motivate us to do great things once we leave Herb’s sacred valley.

We probably didn’t get that but I had a good time.

Last night (after a dinner of spaghetti and meatballs – with bottomless garlic bread – prepared by Mario Batali), we got the WORLD’S FASTEST MAN – USAIN BOLT. And he was unexpectedly hilarious. It was more of a stand-up routine than a motivational keynote. I would even call it DE-motivational after all the shots he took some of the bigwigs in the audience.

Here’s a transcript of an audio recording I made on my iPhone (which will never be released because Herb Allen and his thugs will put explosives under my car if I did).

[Thanks to my assistant Vicky Adler-Modry for transcribing the audio.]

Herb Allen: We’ve got a real treat for you tonight. This room is packed full of high-performing individuals. We’ve all become masters in the industry in which we are working but as great as our accomplishments have been, none of us can claim to be the “World’s Fastest Man” other than our keynote speaker tonight, Usain Bolt!

[Applause… “It’s Getting Hot In Here” plays as Usain Bolt goes to the podium.]

Usain Bolt: Thank you. Thank you so much. Great. Thanks to Herb Allen. Dinner was excellent. Really love the chocolate fountain. Very happy that I run fast because after that dinner, I may have to run the toilet. You know what I’m saying? Jeff Bezos knows – look at that painful smile – that’s from the marble cake, my friend! I saw you walking around earlier, Jeff, you’re supposed to check your guns at the gate. Bro, nice arms. You’ve been working out. Probably from lifting all those boxes and putting them in trucks.

[A few chuckles in the crowd.]

Usain Bolt: Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference. Whew, a lot rich people in here. Every person in this room could call the point one percent their bitches.

[More laughs.]

Usain Bolt: Sorry for my language. That’s not a nice thing to say. To the lady in the room here, I apologize.

[A couple of ‘boos’…]

Usain Bolt: You hear a lot about diversity. We’ve been trying to get more diverse in track and field. We’re starting to allow those who aren’t as fast or strong into competition just to give everybody a fair chance.

[Laughs.]

Usain Bolt: I see Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner are in the house.

[Some applause.]

Usain Bolt: Jared, I bet right now you wish you could run as fast as me.

[Laughs.]

Usain Bolt: Unfortunately, you can’t run from controversy, my friend. Colluding with the Russians, huh?

Herb Allen (off mic): We’re not talking about politics tonight, Usain.

Usain Bolt: OK, Herb. I’ll lay off the traitor. Funny, you never hear about governments colluding with the Jamaicans. We probably had a lot of the same information on Hillary but we’re always so baked it’s hard to keep it straight. Right? But I kid the people of my homeland…

[Laughs.]

Usain Bolt: Who else is here tonight? OK Google – where’s Sergey and Larry? There they are hiding in the back. Don’t worry don’t worry I have nothing but love for you guys. Somebody had to steal the world’s data and get wildly rich from it. I’m glad it was you guys and not that Zuckerberg fellow – oh, I suppose he did that, too. Damn… a lot of identity thieves in this room. Good for you. Data mining is the future. Much more valuable than gold. Without data – we have no data. And then where are we? Dataless. A world without data is like a world without sunshine. If we were in a world without sunshine, at least we have the data on the sunshine. But I’m a little out of my element here – I’m just the fastest man in the world. What do I know?

[Sighs and shuffling is heard. The crowd appears to be getting uncomfortable.]

Usain Bolt: A lot of Hollywood moguls here tonight. Are you guys gonna be OK? I worry about you guys. Are you behind on your rent? You need a loan – Warren Buffett is right over there – he writes checks to everybody in need. Every day people say movies are dead. TV is dead. I think that’s bullshit. You’ll be fine. I don’t have a joke – it’s just what I believe. Except Manka Brothers – where’s Khan Manka? Dude, you guys suck. I’m kidding my brother from another brother… except for that last thing I said, you guys really do suck.

[Laughs.]

Usain Bolt: I love the look on Herb Allen’s face. Not what you were expecting, huh, Herb?

Herb Allen (off mic): Not even close to what I was expecting.

Usain Bolt: OK, I’m not really a speech giver. I told you that. But you still wanted me to come for a hundred thousand dollars. So – I’ll finish up quickly so we can hit the vomitorium. Here’s some real advice this room can use going forward to make the world a better place. I’ve always said that if you have a dream, it can be achieved no matter how ridiculous. Going to the moon. Going to Mars. Self-driving cars. If it’s dreamed, it can be achieved. Anyone in this room could be the world’s fastest man if you tried hard enough and wanted it hard enough. No matter your age or how many legs you have. Even Rupert Murdoch could become the world’s fastest man. All you have to do it beat me! Good night everyone – see you in the hot tub!

[Light applause.]

Like I said, not very motivating. But when is anything at this conference ever motivating.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 1 – Old Media? That’s Cute.

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 2 – Rocky Horror

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2015

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2014

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2013

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2011

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2010

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2009

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2008

July 13, 2017July 14, 2017

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 2 – Rocky Horror

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 1: Old Media? That’s Cute.

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 2: Rocky Horror

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 3: World’s Fastest Man

There are times when a media blackout for a meaningless conference like this is completely unnecessary.

But after what I saw last night (and can now never un-see), the media blackout was fortuitous and absolutely necessary.

No one outside of the (mostly) horrified people in that room can EVER see what happened last night. I just pray the GoPro dude didn’t have his helmet cam going (and why must he always wear that goddamned helmet – even during dinner?).

A little backstory before I get to the narrative… Herbie Allen likes to shake it up a bit during these conferences. There is always one night that is completely fucked up, nonsensical and, frankly, bat shit crazy.

We’ve had the Mogulympics, Burning Mogul, The Acid Trip, Build-A-Bike, Improv Night… things that can be embarrassing at times but also gets us out of our comfort zone.

This year’s special night put us so far out of our comfort zone that, I’m sure, many contemplated suicide, murder (or both) or, at the very least, to gouge out their eyes with a fork.

On Barry Diller’s suggestion (which no one ever ignores), Herb decided to stage a concert version of “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” starring, duh, Barry Diller as Dr. Frank N. Furter. Supposedly, Barry knew the part by heart after seeing hundreds of midnight screenings over the years.

We Hollywood moguls (and Silicon Valley punks) have seen a lot of fucked up shit over the years. But this promised to be the fucked-up-est shit we would probably see in our lifetimes.

Sheryl Sandberg was slotted in to play Janet (after Marissa Mayer was un-coupled unceremoniously from the conference by Herb Allen). Sheryl (spoiler alert) actually had an amazing Broadway-quality voice and a fearless stage presence. It was, yes, cringe inducing to see her in basically the exact costumes that Susan Sarandon wore in the movie – but she pulled it off.

Snapchat’s Evan Siegal, you would think, would be the perfect choice for the uptight, white bread jerk Brad but failed miserably due to his complete lack of any creative ability. Which is fine. He’s not an actor. But the look on his face as though he thought he was awesome was annoying.

Riff Raff, the creepy sidekick of Frank N. Furter was played by movie producer Brian Grazer (due to his ability to learn choreography fast) and his woman friend Magenta was played by a Silicon Valley guy in drag that I will not name for fear of being murdered. (Remember, not many women get invited to this conference unless they are a wife getting spa treatments – so there is a very small talent pool for key female roles.)

And, needless to say, the part that Meatloaf played in the movie – was attempted pathetically by Harvey Weinstein.

I could give a very long detailed review of this… event… but I will not. Key highlights as follows:

As soon as the lights black out to indicate the beginning of the show, the room full of drunken moguls make dumb jokes about renewable energy in Sun Valley. The power is fine it’s just the start of the show.

Herb Allen, wearing a mask with just red lips that seem to float in the air, starts the opening number. To get a better visual idea of what we saw – though less polished – I am embedding clips from “Rocky Horror” that are relevant. Remember while watching this that Herb Allen’s voice is fingers-on-a-chalkboard horrible:

The opening song was the longest four minutes of my life. Much longer than the four minutes I was locked in a steamer trunk without air in Singapore (off the record).

Well, that is, until Barry Diller came out as Frank N. Furter in, what I was told, was the actual costume – bought at auction by Barry – that Tim Curry wore in the original movie.

It didn’t quite fit Barry’s current frame which really made his first song “Sweet Transvestite” hard to watch. The song was staged by Herb almost exactly as the movie – so you can picture what was attempted here:

I just can’t go on with too many details.

I should have just let last night’s insanity die the death it deserved.

If it was all in fun, that’s one thing, but Herb was serious – and that makes him psychotic. He thought there was good work being done.

Just imagine Harvey Weinstein doing this scene – which he… did?

All this said, as horrific of a night as it was – and even the incredible Bin Tran could not serve enough alcohol to make it all go away – there was one moment that was sublime.

Once you had accepted that Barry Diller was wearing a ten size too small costume for Frank N. Furter and was badly stumbling through the songs and choreography, when he got to “I’m Going Home” – knowing the context of his real life – his impatience with idiots, stupid people and morons – his brilliance in media and his laser focus on the future – there was not a dry eye in the house when he was finished.

Tim Curry was a no talent hack compared to Barry last night:

It was a triumphal moment of “fuck you” to anyone that says attempting things that are unconventional and uncomfortable is foolish.

When I saw Rupert Murdoch tearing up when Barry Diller sang (sort of) “I’m Going Home,” I knew a break through of humanity had happen.

It was a crazy night of Herb Allen being Herb – well done, sir.

Evan Spiegal at Snapchat was the only punk bitch of the night only because Barry Diller got all the accolades and Spiegal got nothing but bad reviews and downgraded stock outlook by Morgan Stanley. At least you had a BMW in college, B.

Tomorrow should be fun – I think Usain Bolt is giving a speech on how we can all the fastest person in the world!

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 1 – Old Media? That’s Cute.

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2015

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2014

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2013

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2011

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2010

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2009

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2008

July 11, 2017July 14, 2017

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 1 – Old Media? That’s Cute

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 1: Old Media? That’s Cute.

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 2: Rocky Horror

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 3: World’s Fastest Man

Another Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, another week attempting suicide by alcohol consumption.

The plane approach at the Sun Valley airport was reminiscent to a “Top Gun” dogfight. Rupert Murdoch’s pilot is a fucking maniac. They nearly crushed my plane trying to beat us to the landing.

My self-driving hover car or whatever it was (courtesy of Elon Musk) was no better. They have now incorporated an AI “driver” that chats in taxi cab driver-type small talk on the way to your destination. I know that fucking robot did not care how my flight was.

While the Silicon Valley guys (remember – no girls) roll into the Sun Valley Lodge like rock stars, we in old media get the reception of a singing waiter at a pasta joint… “yeah, yeah, I know you can fucking sing – but where’s my lasagna?”

I don’t know. This may be my last year in Sun Valley. Who needs this shit?

We moguls used to rule this school and now the new titans talk at us like we’re in a retirement home unable to control our bladders. (To be fair, there are a few here in which that is true… Rupert?)

My self-driving car made it without issue except for the weird little racist screaming that the AI driver yelled at an Asian man crossing the street illegally. Strange to program it like that – like a real taxi driver.

I walked past the media veal in their little caged square barely able to move and walked into the third best hotel in Sun Valley!

After check in, I did what any out-of-touch, cast-off-by-society, irrelevant person would do – I headed straight for the bar to reminisce about the “good old days.”

I entered The Duchin Lounge (aka “The Drankin’ Hole”) and wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles, my old buddy, the best goddamned bartender in the world, Vin Tran, was right where he was supposed to be – behind the bar, ready to serve.

Vin: Mr. Khan Manka, Jr. – so great to see you. A friendly face.

Me: Not friendly till you get me goddamned drink.

Vin: Dirty martini?

Me: Two of ’em. I want them filthy.

Vin: Coming up.

I looked around the bar. Pretty slow start. Philippe Dauman playing Frogger in the corner, mumbling to himself (just like last year) and Jony Ive of Apple clicking furiously on his Blackberry.

Me: How have you been, Vin?

Vin: Terrible, boss. My wife is divorcing me. Say she going to take everything. She even said she was going to take my job.

Me: At least she didn’t get that.

Vin: She did! I’m training her. She starts in two weeks!

Me: Ugh, that’s awful. Divorce is terrible. I’ve stopped doing it. If you need a job and a new start, come to Burbank, I’ll set you up in the kitchen there.

Vin: Thanks, boss. You are a great man. Here are your dirty martinis – the dirtiest I ever made. Excuse me.

I sucked down the first one and immediately began to think straight. Why did I come here again? We, in Hollywood, used to dictate what people would see and how they would see it.

Now giant movie studios are simply looked at as a cozy acquisition target to be tucked away in the “Entertainment” division of a “much more important company.” A company that “small frys” like us could only one day dream to understand its complexity and importance.

Speaking on cozy acquisitions, Jeffrey Katzenberg entered the bar, looking tan, relaxed, a fidget spinner twirling in each hand.

Katzenberg: Khan! Wassup!

Me: Hello Jeff, you’re looking fit.

Katzenberg: $3.8 billion will do that to a person! Ha! Bin Tran, triple rosy!

Bin Tran starts making some sort of fruity drink with a splash of alcohol. Wearing his new media uniform of bald head and black turtleneck, Katzenberg glides into the seat next to me.

Katzenberg: How tricks, Khan? Same old grind? Same old media? Bloated movies and TV shows. Wishing it was 1975?

Me: Yes, to all of it.

Katzenberg: And what’s going on with your theatrical business? First you abandon your tentpole strategy, then you start it up again? What’s going on? Manka Bros. is a mess!

Me: The movie industry’s a shit storm right now. Just a crappy business. We just bought the rights to Lincoln Logs to make, you know, LEGO-type movies and video games. It’s all just crap.

Katzenberg: You’re in an unsustainable business, my friend. You’ve got $60 an hour Teamsters just sitting in trucks all day waiting to move a set from one three hundred foot sound stage to another. I’ve got an unpaid filmmaker who gets my coffee, shoots the video on her camera and edits it in fifteen seconds. Multiply that by thousands of times a day. Zero in production costs – fifty dollars in ad revenue over the life of the project. Do that a million times and you’ve got… fifty times a million. Fifty million dollars without having to do shit. I’m the future, Khanie. New media. My company is WndrCo – no “o” – no “e”–

Me: What?

Katzenberg: $600 million dollars has been given to me to create the future. Want a piece?

Me: That’s the future?

Katzenberg: Yes. Little videos, made by influencers… capisce?

Me: Like PewDiePie?–

Katzenberg: Fuck that guy! Nazi German prick.

The few moguls who had made to the bar look at Katzenberg.

Katzenberg: (lowering his voice) – Yes, like him… without the racism.

Katzenberg takes a drink of his fruit punch, resuming one of the fidget spinners.

Katzenberg: Oh, and VR. LOTS of VR! Shit’s gonna blow your mind.

He does the “mind blow” pantomime with his hand against his head.

Katzenberg: WndrCo – no “o” – no “e”…

The Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference has begun…

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 1 – Old Media? That’s Cute.

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2017 – Day 2 – Rocky Horror

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2015

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2014

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2013

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2011

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2010

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2009

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2008

June 5, 2017

Manka Bros. To Resume Theatrical Tentpole Strategy

Good afternoon.

After announcing last week that Manka Bros. would be abandoning its tentpole strategy to focus on lower budget, more interesting films, I have decided based the insane opening of “Wonder Woman” – that we will resume our tentpole strategy at Manka Bros. Films.

I don’t know what I (and, the real people to blame, the corporate stooges who backed me up on this idea) was thinking.

Actually, I do. I was thinking “Damn, Scotch is so delicious!”

But on the long flight home from the Seychelles, I came to the conclusion that it’s impossible to craft a solid theatrical production and distribution strategy after drinking a bottle of Scotch 10,000 miles away from the office.

So… here’s the drill…

The folks at Manka Highbrow, Manka Dogme, Manka Docs, Manka Mumblecore and Manka Ultra should continue to produce the crap that you a-holes pump out every year.

The tentpole movies from Manka Bros. Films (mostly MC Comics and the Magpie franchise) that were deep in development should be picked up again (I hope you didn’t delete all the files!), and those movies that were pushed out of production should resume shooting immediately.

Those expecting to have free time this weekend, should cancel any plans and work work work instead.

If anyone brings up my previous blog in front of me, you will be fired.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

May 24, 2017June 1, 2017

Manka Bros. To Abandon Theatrical Tentpole Strategy

Good morning.

As many of you know, the entertainment industry is in total disarray. Netflix is producing films that get praised at Cannes. Amazon is winning Emmys.

It’s a drop-kick to the groin to all of us in “traditional media.”

In Hollywood, we all thought – we’ll just outspend the competition because bigger means quality. High production values means you get the biggest audience because that’s what those mindless fuckers want.

The mindless fuckers have called “BS” on us.

So… Manka Bros. is going to “pivot.” That’s right, I Silicon Valley buzzworded that shit.

We are abandoning our tentpole strategy – the foundation being the 157 movies based on MC Comics characters we were going to produce through the year 2050.

And this has nothing to do with all the production problems you have no doubt been reading about in the fake media. This is a full blown industry-changing strategy shift.

So, what does it mean for the average moviegoer?

Well, it means this year you’re not going to enjoy $200 million money pits such as “Sheetah: Harvest of Sorrow,” “T.O.R.N.A.T.O.: Midnight Storm,” “The Javelin 2: Heroes Unwelcome,” “Pebble Boy: Who Is Pebble Boy?”

(You can see all the future movies you will miss right here: Scheduled MC Comics movies through 2050.)

It was a solid strategy when I came up with it – but then everyone in town had to do it also. It has gotten so bad that f-ing Arbor Day weekend is now a battleground for a release date.

So what now? Going forward, what can audiences expect from the Manka Bros. Theatrical Group?

Instead of one $200 million dollar movie – we are going to make fifty $4 million dollar ORIGINAL movies. That gives us fifty more chances to have a hit.

Hell, maybe we’ll produce 400 movies a year. The sky’s the limit when you don’t bet everything on one horse.

And, worse case scenario, if these stupid little movies suck as much as last year’s “Doctor Proctor: Aliens Unite” or “The Jacobeans: Copernican Revolution,” we won’t lose $400 million (including P&A), we’ll only loose $4 million (and we may not even have P&A), we might just stream this shit on our MankaGoNow platform and forget movie theaters altogether.

I mean, the hell with it, right? That’s where the industry is headed – might as well get a head start on my old media competition.

While my friends at the rival studios continue to struggle with how the hell a freak in a tiny costume with a bow and arrow can bring down Norse Gods and space ships, I’ve decided to go all Jane Austen on this bullshit.

So… MANKA BROS. IS GOING BIGGER BY GOING SMALLER.

You may be thinking – didn’t you famously say Original Films Fail?

Yes, I did. [the expletive “fuck you” has been deleted.] But times are changing. Audiences are bored.

Manka Bros. is going to unbore the audiences with a revolutionary approach to film production.

We’re going to produce a series of films based on Anthony Trollope books (dude wrote about 5,000 books – all public domain – and you can use the same costumes over and over).

We’ll do Nicolas Sparks-type movies where all you need are a couple of crying teenagers and old people walking on the beach one last time.

We’ll do horror movies featuring serial killer clowns and serial killers who kill clowns.

We’ll video tape high school productions of “Death of a Salesman.” Let the kids in the show tweet out the link to all their friends. That’s free marketing! Throw a couple of ads against that shit – make a few bucks.

The point is, everything is on the table.

I have seen the future. And the future is throwing shit onto a wall to see what sticks.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. In the coming days / weeks, we will be releasing our revised slates from our various Theatrical Production Labels. In the coming months, you will see the other studios do the same thing.

November 4, 2016

Dear AT&T / Time Warner… Good Luck

Over the past couple of weeks I have been at the shitty Four Seasons Punta Mita on a bender and because of the crappy wi-fi (which is not included), I have been a little bit out of loop. But now that I am back in Burbank and have my wits about me, all I can say is… WOW.

While I foolishly lay in the Mexican sun pounding Lava Flows by the dozens and contemplating how many comic book characters lives could cross into each other’s universes – my world suddenly changed.

(A little background. Many people have asked me if AT&T approached Manka Bros. before Time Warner as an acquisition target. And while I am currently bound by a non-disclosure agreement, I can say – off the record – of course AT&T was interested in Manka Bros. We are the world’s largest and, thus, the most desired media company… but that is all off the record.)

Hollywood is no longer a city of dreams, of great beautiful ideas never thought of before realized on the big screen in the grandest of presentations and executions.

Hollywood is now a city where a person can create a 15-second phone video that is making fun of the fact that he is pissing blood all the while generating more profit than that big beautifully realized dream.

This got me thinking – what the fuck am I doing and do I want to keep doing it?

The answer is a BIG YES!

Because if the people want blood pissing videos, nobody can produce them better than Hollywood. We’ll spend billions to put that amateur blood pisser out of business.

AT&T / Time Warner will be a huge company. We’ve crunched the numbers and they will be very close in size to Manka Bros. – but based on the size of the bars in the chart below, we are still on top.

But we know world is change and we have to change with it. We just choose to it differently.

Everything we do is organic. From the development and near successful launch of our own patented camera and film stock replacement made out of rice in 1910; to the revolutionary TriMankaTate film coloring process of the 1920s; to the development of digital cinema (in the 1930s!); to the the invention of television in the 1930s (the claim of which is famously controversial)… all the way to today where our long-gestating Facebook killer – Caligula – is preparing for launch in the near future.

No platitudes here, Caligula is the best thing ever done.

So mergers and acquisitions are fine, if you don’t know what you’re doing.

We know what we’re doing.

So, with that, I announce that rather than be acquired by a large telecom, Manka Bros. is, once again, going it alone and will soon launch our very own global wireless network – M-Telligence – the wireless network for people who don’t fuck around with bullshit.

Forget 5G – this is the ONLY G you’ll ever need.

As you all know, Manka Bros. recently announced we have gone over-the-top with MankaGoNow and while it is currently available on other platforms, we may just decide to have it only on the M-Telligence network.

No decisions have been made and we still need to have a few meetings on that – but I’m leaving early today for a long weekend so it will have to be put off until next week (probably Thursday or Friday)… but then you start to get crushed for the holidays and you have some people out…

We’ll make it work somehow.

The point is, this is all VERY EXCITING!

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – Still The World’s Largest Media Company

August 19, 2016August 22, 2016

Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer Ryan Lochte A Job

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Rio Olympics, Ryan Lochte

Good afternoon from the Seychelles!

Summer vacation is winding down and my booze cabinet is getting low. The Seychelles needs more places you can buy alcohol – or, hell, just a Costco or a BevMo or some such shit. I’ve having to dig into my airplane stash.

The beauty of being a global media company is that we are able to make deals from wherever we are, all over the world, any time of day.

I’ve been following the Olympics via my Slingbox (NBC – enough with the 800 meter and hurdle semi-finals – how many can there be?!!!). [Side note: Germany please destroy Brazil in the men’s soccer finals. Brazilian fans are jerks – thank you.]

It would be really great to see more of the events – but all I’ve been seeing lately is Ryan “Freakin'” Lochte. Granted, calling someone “freakin'” in the same blog that you’re offering that person a job probably isn’t the best negotiating tactic – but, let’s be serious, that dude is going to have no other offers other than from porn companies.

So here goes: Ryan Lochte, your (heavily damaged) ship has come in! Manka Bros., the world’s largest media company, would like to offer you a job (and I’m sure we won’t have to hold a gun to your head to get you to accept… JOKE!).

I’m not sure yet what you would do for us. We are a world-class entertainment company that produces the world’s best movies, television shows and games. What can an aging swimmer do for us?

I’m thinking for starters you could be our “Apologist In Chief.” Sometimes we produce movies and shows where the end product isn’t exactly what we imagined when we first greenlit the project.

When / if that happens, we could produce a video with you [Ryan Lochte] in which you would say: “Hi, I’m Ryan Lochte and I apologize for ‘Flaccid Trip’… it’s really terrible and I take full responsibility.”

Stuff like that.

Or… we could make you the head of our television group. The guy that’s there now, Jay McBee, really sucks. (That’s right, Jay, you are on alert, my friend!)

Think about it, Ryan. Think about it. It will be a much better gig than a local commercial in Fresno for Just Tires.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 8, 2016July 8, 2016

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016 – Day 4 – It Was A Good Day

OTHER SUN VALLEY 2016 POSTS:

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016 – Day 1 – Welcome To The Terrordome

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016 – Day 2 – Burn, Hollywood, Burn – Part 1

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016 – Day 2 Keynote – Burn, Hollywood, Burn (Or How The Plurals Generation Is Coming To Destroy Your Business)

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016 – Day 3 – Fight The Power

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2016 – Day 4 – It Was A Good Day

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This morning was, by far, the most calm and pleasant mornings I’ve ever had at Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference.

Despite yesterday’s humiliation and complete slaughter, I woke up feeling happy – for whatever reason.

First, we were allowed to sleep in to 6:15 a.m. and were awakened by the classic Michael Eisner version of “The Dawn Of The Mogul” (as Herb Allen’s Iggy Azalea experiment backfired even with the Snapchat dude).

There were no calisthenics and the bagels were much fresher than normal (not from the 2-day old Wonder Bread shop around the corner that they normally buy from).

[One observation about seeing all these business titans in casual clothes: There are those who wear the jeans and t-shirts and look like they work out. And there are those who wear the jeans and t-shirts and look like they are dying of something.]

Herb Allen appeared fresh – which is amazing considering how many Harvey Wallbangers he had the night before (I have been told not to write about our drinking at the bar – I think because the Canadian government didn’t appreciate the Justin Trudeau shrimp catching episode – so that’s all I will say about last night).

Herb Allen: Good morning, Seekers, Outliers and Dreamers…

Barry Diller: Get on with it, Herb.

Herb Allen: This morning, as we approach the end of our conference, we’re going to try something new. Something I’ve been passionate about for over 50 years. Pin trading.

If the incredulous looks on all faces could speak, they would say in unison – “What the fuck?!”

Herb Allen: I know, sounds like amazing, right? I’ve been trading pins since I discovered it at the Rome Olympics in 1960. I have missed one Olympic games since. I don’t watch the sports – I trade pins! At Disneyland, too, Bob!

Bob Iger gave a faint smile and looked to ground – feeling a bit sorry for Herb.

He went on and on about his love of pin trading which I won’t relate – but the gist was this: He had pins made up of all our companies’ corporate logos and gave us each a bag of them and, as a way to get to know each other better, we would go around and trade pins and put them on a Allen & Co. customized pin board.

Herb Allen: Phillippe Dauman has not been seen since the first night, so Shari Redstone – I ask you to take the Viacom pins and trade them as if you were the CEO.

Les Moonves and Shari Redstone exchanged high-fives for some reason (duh).

And the trading began.

Everyone started exchange their logo pins for other logo pins. It was exactly as boring as it sounds. I got a Disney, a Time Warner (which was sharp on the edges like a knife – very dangerous), a Facebook and a Canada pin (from Justin Trudeau) in the shape of Canada. I would tell all about all the others but I’m falling asleep as I dictate this.

Reid Hoffman and Jeff Weiner just stood there (a bit sad?), not trading, as Microsoft’s Satya Nadella traded the Microsoft pin which appeared to show the Microsoft logo eating the LinkedIn logo – which was a nice touch – I thought.

After a couple of moments, it became obvious to Herb Allen that this was not going as he planned. He looked on – near tears – as he could tell there was absolutely no interest by any of the other guests. It was as though no one else cared about his one true passion in life.

Herb Allen: When you’re all finished – or I don’t care – just want to stop – and are thinking about heading out to your planes to go home, don’t forget to pick up the box lunch which has been prepared for you. Thanks for coming.

Herb walked off, shoulders hunched, not looking back. He kept talking though his voice faded as he continued away…

Herb Allen: You’re free to go kayaking or play golf at the…

Is it possible this would be the last year of Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference?

Are we all just getting too old for summer camp?

Is it time for the GoPro dude to take over and only invite CEO who are millennials and plurals who can still ride bikes and climb mountains (oh, and also come up with NEW ideas)?

And while the conference this year ended with a whimper and not a bang like in years previous, it wasn’t so bad.

This week, I learned about self-driving cars and artificial intelligence, Canada and how truly fucked up the Argentinian economy is – I learned that my daughter is no longer allowed in Sun Valley (and she could not care less) – and I learned that Warren Buffett can hold a spoon on his nose longer than any one else I’ve ever seen.

But I one thing I had already learned years ago – Bin Tran makes best goddamned dirty martini on the planet! And I’m about to go get me five more – and that’s why I gotta say IT WAS A GOOD DAY.

Take it, ‘Cube…