Tim Armstrong – Page 6 – Chairman's Blog

July 7, 2011July 7, 2011

Sun Valley Shore – Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference 2011 – Day 2.5

Allen & Company retreat, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Carol Bartz, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Gina Bianchini, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Khan Manka, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, World's Largest Media Company, Chase Carey, James Murdoch, Elisabeth Murdoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Jim Gianopulos, Joel Klein, Jon Miller, Steve Burke, Michael Angelakis, Leslie Moonves, Philippe Dauman, Jeff Bewkes, John Martin, Howard Stringer, Rob Wiesenthal, Michael Lynton, John Malone, Greg Maffei, Haim Saban, David Zaslav, John Hendricks, Mike White, Edgar Bronfman, Len Blavatnik, Tim Armstrong, Peter Chernin, Tom Freston, Carol Bartz, Jerry Yang, Mark Pincus, Owen Van Natta, Brian Roberts, Jason Kilar, Wayne Willich, Reid Hoffman, Harvey Weinstein, Diane Von Furstenberg, Andrew Mason, Jason Kilar, Ben Horowitz, Gina Bianchini, Mark Pincus, Ali Pincus, Robert Wiesenthal, Tom Freston, Bing Gordon, Bill Gates, Chris Christie, Martin Sorrell, Eric Lefkofsky, Oprah Winfrey, Avi Nevo

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference 2011

————————————–

It’s no secret that most moguls love to be tanned and almost all have new, whiter, straighter teeth put in over their old, yellow, crooked teeth.

Who wouldn’t want that, right?

It’s also no secret that the only reason moguls do all that is to look good to 25-year-old girls.

What we moguls don’t seem to understand is, we’re all incredibly wealthy and powerful and many 25-year-old girls (and boys) will find us attractive even if we didn’t have a spray tan or new teeth. (Duh!)

I would wager $1,000,000 that the combined age of all of the moguls teeth at this conference doesn’t even equal the age of one Sumner Redstone.

For the record, most moguls get the “Saban” tan – which is a really dark, unrealistic orange kind of hue.

I prefer the “Strauss Zelnick” which really brings out the whiteness of the teeth. The “Avi Nevo” isn’t bad either but the fragrance is way too strong.

But no matter how much we whiten our teeth and darken our skin and de-gray our hair, it’s still hard for most of us to get out of bed. And it’s really hard to run a 100-meter dash or jump over a high bar (suck-ass Mogulympics).

Just because my face is as tight and smooth as a teenager’s face doesn’t mean I have the energy of a teenager.

And why the fuck would I want the energy of a teenager? I’m a goddamned billionaire in Sun Valley living the dream.

It makes me feel good when I see a mogul (oh, let’s say, Barry Diller) who really could care less how he looks. He’s got power and doesn’t need all those tricks. He’ll take that giant T-shirt and shorts look to the grave! That’s why I admire Barry so much.

The new slobby tech moguls are less comforting to me – they’re just creepy and disturbing.

I was asked to present an updated version of the keynote speech I gave earlier this year to the CES convention in Las Vegas – so I don’t have time to get into too many details about last night’s very elaborate dinner (or the unbelievable concert by Tony Orlando & Dawn… not the old ‘Dawn’, a much younger and hotter ‘Dawn’).

Most of the conversation last night consisted of anything BUT the Rupert Murdoch hacking scandal.

I was at Rupert’s table and all he talked about was how many tomatoes he’s going to get from his garden this year.

Later this afternoon, before cocktails (or during – we’ll see), I will give my assistant a more detailed account of what is going on and she will have the online geeks write it up and add pictures, etc.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 6, 2011July 5, 2012

Mogulympics – Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – Day 2

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference

Day 1 — Day 2 – Day 2.5 – Day 3

——————————-

The sight of Harvey Weinstein in tight gym shorts is an image that I won’t soon forget.

But let me back up.

I am dictating this in a secret business center somewhere beneath the Sun Valley Lodge after experiencing one of the most horrific and demoralizing mornings of my life.

At 4:30 am, I was blasted awake by “The Call of the Moguls” fanfare (written by Michael Eisner years ago when he still had power). As I had only gone to bed a couple of hours before (because I was pounding drinks well into the wee hours with my new drinking buddy Chase Carey), this was a most unwelcome sound.

In the room next to me, I could hear Eric Schmidt screaming out the window “Shut the fuck up!”

An envelope slid under my door. I opened it and recognized Herb’s handwriting:

“Please report to Herb Allen Field immediately! Wear your gym clothes and sneakers. – Herb A.”

So I did as I was told and dragged myself down to a converted grassy area that has been rebranded “Herb Allen Field” for the length of the conference.

I immediately saw Jeffrey Katzenberg and LinkedIn’s Jeff Weiner hopping up and down, stretching. A few others were mingling about but I couldn’t make out their faces in the dark.

That’s when I saw Harvey Weinstein in his too small gym shorts and too small t-shirt smoking a cigarette. Don’t get me wrong, I like Harvey quite a bit, but man…

For the next few moments, I just sort of stood there in the pre-dawn staring at the ground. This was an epic hangover. What I needed was sleep and a large a quantity of bacon. In that order. Not this bullshit.

After another anthem – “The Dawn of the Mogul” – finished playing, a loud coaches whistle pierced all of our brains. There were various grunts and swears from the assembled moguls.

Herb Allen appeared, fresh and full of energy. He reminded me, with his baseball cap and coaches whistle, of Donner – the reindeer coach from “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer”… Sorry, that’s the most current reference I can think of. If you saw him, you would say the same thing.

Herb Allen: OK, gentlemen, you made it through the night–

Rupert Murdoch: Where are the women?

Herb Allen: I don’t know, Rupert, why don’t you hack into their emails to find out?

Rupert Murdoch: You shall be murdered, you son of a fucking–

Herb Allen: Calm down. I’m joking, Rupert. The women are having spa treatments. I gave them an option – because they aren’t flabby and undisciplined. You assholes don’t get an option.

Khan Manka, Jr.: Fuck that shit.

Herb Allen approached me like a crazy drill sergeant.

Herb Allen: What was that, Manka?

Khan Manka: I said, ‘Fuck that shit, Herb.’ I speak for my fellow moguls when I say we are all too hungover for this crap. I choose spa treatments, too!

At that moment, Sheryl Sandberg ran up and fell into the line of moguls.

Sheryl Sandberg: Sorry, I’m late. I had a 5:00 a.m. conference call with China. I’m ready.

Les Moonves: Oooh… We do business with China, too, Facebook lady. Big deal.

Tim Armstrong: (to Sheryl, pointing to his ear) – I’m on a call right now but I was on time.

Sheryl Sandberg: Hi, Tim, I wanted to ask you about Patch. How’s that going?

Tim Armstrong: Oh, no, you didn’t!

Herb Allen blows his whistle and screamed for everyone to calm down. He then explained why we were all there. He has started a ridiculous new annual tradition called “Mogulympics”…

Herb Allen: (he continued) … this competition is designed to encourage physical fitness among our most elite moguls. Because a flabby mogul is less likely to adapt to change. Flabby moguls tend to be more lazy and set in their ways. Flabby moguls are not the future leaders of media.

Harvey Weinstein: (smoking) – Suck it, Herb.

Herb Allen: How the hell did you wrangle an invite this year, Weinstein? You’re not even a mogul anymore.

Harvey Weinstein: “King’s Speech” – Academy Award. Scoreboard, bitch.

Things sort of degenerated from there. More fighting, more snippy little remarks about old media from the new media and tech people…

Finally, Herb got everyone onto the field and the first Mogulympics began.

I won’t do a blow-by-blow account of all the competitions as I am due to serve on a panel with Bob Iger and Steve Burke on how best to preserve our core businesses while growing new businesses.

(Here’s what I say: “MAKE GOOD CONTENT THAT PEOPLE WANT TO BUY!” – end of panel discussion. Let’s go drink.)

——————————————————————————

HERE ARE THE HIGHLIGHTS (there were only four events – more to be added each year):

High Jump: Winner – Jeffrey Katzenberg – final height – 4′ 3″. Jon Miller should have won but he kept trying to extend into the Chinese splits while going over the bar.

Long Jump: Winner – Jason Kilar – final distance – 8′ 2″ (but it’s possible his medal will be acquired by another mogul – ha!). This event was Rupert’s best chance to get a medal but he kept fouling. He seemed distracted.

400 Meters: Winner – Sheryl Sandberg (untimed). Bob Iger was in position to win it until someone in the pack made a crack to Sheryl about ‘the glass ceiling’ and she took off like a gazelle, crushing the field. I walked the final 350 meters with Harvey. He tried to convince me that he wasn’t overweight no matter how much he smokes, drinks and eats every day .

100 Meters: Winner – Sheryl Sandberg (untimed). You know, moguls just can’t run – and probably shouldn’t try. And by this point in the competition most of us had stopped participating and were on our phones. Sheryl beat Mark Pincus (though he forgot his tennis shoes and was only wearing flip-flops), Jeff Weiner and Andrew Mason of Groupon.

Sheryl Sandberg was named Herb Allen’s Top Mogul Athlete of the Conference and received a trophy similar to the picture above. For her victory she will receive an automatic invite to next year’s conference to defend her title.

When it was all over and we had thoroughly embarrassed ourselves in front of each other, I quickly retreated to the Great Hall of the Moguls dining room and ate a pound of bacon.

The women who chose the spa treatment option (Oprah, Diane Von Furstenberg, etc.) were lounging in bath robes, drinking coffee, having a leisurely breakfast. The sort of thing moguls should be doing.

That was my morning. I can’t wait to see what the rest of the day will bring.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 5, 2011July 8, 2011

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – Day 1

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference 2011

Day 1 — Day 2 – Day 2.5 – Day 3

DAY 1 – TUESDAY AFTERNOON UPDATE:

My plane landed safely at Friedman Airport. I was picked up on the tarmac by a self-driving Google car. This scared the shit out of me, especially when I sat in the back and was greeted with a video of Sergey Brin asking me “Where do you want to go today, Khan?” I told the Sergey screen to take me immediately to The Drankin’ Hole at the Sun Valley Lodge. The Google car performed pretty well in mid-day traffic (Idaho traffic) – though the small talk conversation with the Sergey video screen was a little forced.

I am now safely at The Drankin Hole and have ordered two dirty martinis from my favorite bartender in the world – Bin Tran. Philippe Dauman is at the other end of the bar talking to himself. I don’t want to interrupt.

———————————————————————————————

DAY 1 – TUESDAY MORNING

Good morning.

OK, so I decided (after a couple of long, late night conversations with Sumner Redstone) that I would attend Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference again this year.

After last year’s conference (an absolute drunken freak fest), I vowed never to attend again. On top of that, I’m still recovering from my horrifying keynote address to the Bilderberg Conference last month in Switzerland.

But then I received Herb’s child-like invitation a few weeks ago (see left) – and it was so charming, like a 3-year-old’s birthday party invitation – that I started to change my mind.

Believe me, a child-like mentality is what is necessary for a conference like this. It’s all bullshit, you know, and if you don’t come in with an absolute open mind, what’s the point of any of it, right?

Sumner will not be attending and that makes me a little sad but, deep down, that’s fine because I’m fairly young (in mogul years) and don’t want to be linked with that dinosaur forever. I mean, Rupert is bad enough – put Rupert and Sumner together and it’s time to break out the knitting shawls and crank up the heat.

The other night Sumner was talking about how great Cinemascope was and I just had to get off the phone. Dig up Carl Laemmle or my dad if you want to talk about that shit, old man. Leave me out of it. I’m into digital now, loser.

But I digress…

So, yes, I am heading up to Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference and will be posting updates as much as I possibly can – depending on my state of inebriation.

I feel it is my duty as Chairman & CEO of the World’s Largest Media Company to attend this very important conference (at least in Herb’s mind) for the sake of my stockholders and board of directors.

I’ve been told to bring comfortable clothes, really good workout shoes and as many Dramamine as I can fit in my bag. I’m not sure what that last order meant – but I’ll abide it all the same – Herb is God up there and you don’t want to fuck with God.

So, another Sun Valley fest is upon us. May Herb have mercy on us all.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

September 24, 2010May 2, 2011

Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer Jeff Zucker A Job

Allen & Company retreat, Anne Mulcahy, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bill Bradley, Bob Iger, Bobby Kotick, Brian Grazer, Brian Roberts, Candice Bergen, Carol Bartz, Charlie Rose, Chase Carey, Chris Silbermann, Cory Booker, Diane Von Furstenberg, Don Graham, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Eisner, Eric Schmidt, Erin Burnett, George Bodenheimer, Gina Bianchini, Gordon Crawford, Haim Saban, Hank Vigil, Harvey Weinstein, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jean-Bernard Levy, Jeff Berg, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Bezos, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Jim Berkus, Jim Gianopulos, Jim Robinson, John Donahue, Jon Miller, Jonathan Dolgen, Ken Auletta, Ken Chenault, Khan Manka, Lachlan Murdoch, Lady Gaga, Larry Page, Leslie Moonves, Lionel Barber, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marc Andreessen, Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Martin Sorrell, Mathias Dopfner, Michael Ovitz, Mike Bloomberg, Niall FitzGerald, Owen Van Natta, Patt Morrison, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Rachael Ray, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Wiesenthal, Robbie Bach, Robert L. Johnson, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Burke, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, Tim Armstrong, Tom Freston, Tom Friedman, Tom Glocer, Tom Rothman, Ursula Burns, Vivi Nevo, Warren Buffett, World's Largest Media Company

I have sold my Comcast stock.

Frankly, I am stunned at today’s announcement that Jeff Zucker has been fired by Steve Burke at Comcast. Little Stevie Burke (who was a Manka Bros. intern years ago in our Publishing Group) has some balls on him. He’s not even Jeff Zucker’s boss yet and he pulled the trigger on the firing.

My great old friend Brian Roberts doesn’t know what a treasure he has lost today. It’s a crazy world when someone like Jeff Zucker doesn’t have a media empire to run. I would call Brian on Jeff’s behalf to urge him to overrule Steve Burke, but I’m just too busy.

Well, JZ, even though Comcast Universal (which will still be smaller than Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company) doesn’t have a place for you after the merger, Manka Bros. DOES have a place for you. I would like to offer you a job anywhere you want in the organization. Check our Senior Management roster and pick the job you would like.

Manka Bros. has so underperformed this year, nearly every job is up for grabs (with the exception of Lloyd Grohl). Just give me a 24 hour heads up and I’ll fire whomever you wish to replace.

Though based on your track record, personally, I would prefer you stayed away from our television group – but, really, beggars can’t be choosers, right?

I know you’re hurting right now and probably inconsolable and crying but just remember all the good times we’ve had from Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Retreat, to the lobster boil with Peter Chernin – lots of great times.

The party would continue and never stop if you joined our organization. The whole thing just breaks my heart and I only wish to God Manka Bros. would have acquired NBC Universal when we had the chance just so that you would still have a job.

I know everyone thinks you’re an asshole (welcome to the club!) but your accomplishments at NBC cannot be ignored – from the hiring of Ben Silverman to the way you handled the Jay Leno/Conan situation – NBC is in great shape and will only get stronger after you leave. You can hold your head up!

So, think about it. Take a couple of years, climb a mountain, backpack around Europe. Hopefully, at least, GE will cash out your vacation time. If not, and you need a low interest loan until you get back on your feet, just let me know.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

August 2, 2010October 27, 2011

Chelsea Clinton’s Wedding

Allen & Company retreat, Anne Mulcahy, Ari Emanuel, Astor Courts, Barbra Streisand, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bill Bradley, Bill Clinton, Bob Iger, Bobby Kotick, Bowzer, Brian Grazer, Brian Roberts, Candice Bergen, Carol Bartz, Charlie Rose, Chase Carey, Chelsea Clinton, Chris Silbermann, Cory Booker, David Blaine, Denise Rich, Diane Von Furstenberg, Don Graham, DumbDumb, Edward Mezvinsky, Electus, Eric Eisner, Eric Schmidt, Erin Burnett, George Bodenheimer, Gina Bianchini, Gordon Crawford, Haim Saban, Hank Vigil, Harvey Weinstein, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, HIllary Clinton, James Ponet, Jane Fonda, Jean-Bernard Levy, Jeff Berg, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Bezos, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Jim Berkus, Jim Gianopulos, Jim Robinson, John Donahue, Jon Miller, Jonathan Dolgen, Ken Auletta, Ken Chenault, Khan Manka, Lachlan Murdoch, Lady Gaga, Larry Page, Lee Ann Womack, Leslie Moonves, Lionel Barber, Lloyd Grohl, Madeleine Albright, Manka Bros., Marc Andreessen, Marc Mezvinsky, Margorie Margolies-Mezvinsky, Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Martin Sorrell, Mathias Dopfner, Michael Ovitz, Mike Bloomberg, Niall FitzGerald, Owen Van Natta, Patt Morrison, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Queen of Norway, Rachael Ray, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Wiesenthal, Robbie Bach, Robert L. Johnson, Robert Reich, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Sally Quinn, Sergey Brin, Sha Na Na, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Bing, Steve Burke, Steve Jobs, steven spielberg, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Ted Turner, Terry McAuliffe, Terry Semel, Tim Armstrong, Tom Freston, Tom Friedman, Tom Glocer, Tom Rothman, Ursula Burns, Vera Wang, Vernon Jordan, Vivi Nevo, Warren Buffett, William Shillady, World's Largest Media Company

Now I know what it would be like to live in the Iraqi Green Zone. It would suck.

I am now safely on the deck of my Montauk house after a successful air lifting out of Rhinebeck yesterday afternoon.

Before I was allowed on the chopper, a few of us were given one final harsh debriefing by the General in charge of wedding security about never repeating what we witnessed this past weekend.

Ted Danson was sitting next to me and said it reminded him of the St. Crispin’s Day speech from Shakespeare’s Henry V. I asked him ‘What the fuck does Becker know about Shakespeare?’ Ted told me he was Ted Danson and not ‘Becker’. ‘Becker’ was just a role he played. I then called him ‘Becker’ again just to end the conversation. I don’t even know why he was invited to the wedding.

[As a side note, I’m very surprised not to see more studio moguls at the wedding. Other than Ted Turner, Steven Spielberg and me, it was a pretty lame turnout. I don’t know why I was expecting it to be more like Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference. Oh well, I suppose I’m honored just to have made the cut.]

I had my assistant, Vicky, send me a copy of the St. Crispin’s Day speech and it really was a rewritten version of that speech. ‘Becker’s’ not such an idiot after all. It went something like this:

‘We few, we happy few…
We band of brothers (and sisters) who were
Witness to Chelsea and Marc’s great day
Must never (NEVER) repeat that which so many in the media
Would give their lives to know the truth… etc. etc.’)’

Because of the stupidity of that speech and the over the top security measures, I am forced to break from my band of elite brothers and sisters and will reveal a few details about the (for the most part) very pleasant wedding I attended this weekend.

First of all, somebody could have told me Bowzer is no longer in Sha Na Na! As I mentioned last week, once I heard Sha Na Na was the wedding band, I was very excited. I’m a huge Bowzer fan. Dude does not get the credit he deserves as a pioneer of rock and roll.

In his place was something called the “Bowzer Experience” – it was three different guys dressed as Bowzer in different stages of his life (Kid, Young Adult and Old Bowzer).

Former President Bill Clinton was also very upset that he was having to pay for a ‘sub-par Sha Na Na’. He leaned over to me at one point and said: “I think there’s only one guy from the original Sha Na Na. This is bullshit. These guys look like they just came from a State Fair!”

That said, once they ripped into Chuck Berry’s ‘My Ding-a-ling’ there wasn’t a spot to be had on the dance floor. Everybody (from Madeleine Albright to former Labor Secretary Robert Reich) was hopping and shaking to the music.

Other highlights included:

Bill Clinton’s heartfelt toast to Chelsea and Marc. While it was a beautiful, well-spoken toast, I was surprise that Korbel was the ‘champagne’ of choice. Supposedly, it has been Chelsea’s favorite since college.

I also felt having White Castle hamburgers as an appetizer was a little too low rent – more Arkansas than Hudson Valley (though that was the only appetizer they ran out of).

The Whoopee Cushions placed in the chairs at the wedding party’s table was also a bizarre choice (though they did get all the intended laughs and really loosened up the room). It just seemed inappropriate for such a refined event. But maybe that’s why most people in this country still love the Clintons. No one laughed louder than Bill when they all sat down.

Most of the drunkenness was kept to a minimum. I think the guests were well aware that any falls into the wedding cake or slips on the dance floor or throwing up on the Queen of Norway was going to haunt them forever. So it was, on a whole, a very boring night.

There was, however, one very cool thing which happened toward the end of the evening. The illusionist David Blaine was hired to go from table to table to do close-up magic, levitate the guests, etc. (he was certainly making a lot of Bourbon disappear).

As one final trick, he asked everyone to take off their right shoe. “Now look on the bottom.”

Taped to the bottom of everyone’s right shoe was a $100 gift card from Best Buy with a note: “Thanks so much for making our dream day a reality. XXOO Chelsea and Marc.”

As corny as it was, you can now get a Blu-ray player for around $100. So I know what I’m getting with my gift card.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 30, 2010May 3, 2011

Going To Chelsea Clinton’s Wedding

Allen & Company retreat, Anne Mulcahy, Ari Emanuel, Barbra Streisand, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bill Bradley, Bill Clinton, Bob Iger, Bobby Kotick, Bowzer, Brian Grazer, Brian Roberts, Candice Bergen, Carol Bartz, Charlie Rose, Chase Carey, Chelsea Clinton, Chris Silbermann, Cory Booker, Denise Rich, Diane Von Furstenberg, Don Graham, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Eisner, Eric Schmidt, Erin Burnett, George Bodenheimer, Gina Bianchini, Gordon Crawford, Haim Saban, Hank Vigil, Harvey Weinstein, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, HIllary Clinton, Jane Fonda, Jean-Bernard Levy, Jeff Berg, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Bezos, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Jim Berkus, Jim Gianopulos, Jim Robinson, John Donahue, Jon Miller, Jonathan Dolgen, Ken Auletta, Ken Chenault, Khan Manka, Lachlan Murdoch, Lady Gaga, Larry Page, Lee Ann Womack, Leslie Moonves, Lionel Barber, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marc Andreessen, Marc Mezvinsky, Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Martin Sorrell, Mathias Dopfner, Michael Ovitz, Mike Bloomberg, Niall FitzGerald, Owen Van Natta, Patt Morrison, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Rachael Ray, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Wiesenthal, Robbie Bach, Robert L. Johnson, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Sally Quinn, Sergey Brin, Sha Na Na, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Burke, Steve Jobs, steven spielberg, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Ted Turner, Terry Semel, Tim Armstrong, Tom Freston, Tom Friedman, Tom Glocer, Tom Rothman, Ursula Burns, Vivi Nevo, Warren Buffett, World's Largest Media Company

UPDATE: Chelsea Clinton’s Wedding

I’m leaving the office for the weekend.

I’m going to Chelsea Clinton’s wedding in some God forsaken town called Rhinebeck, New York.

I don’t know where it is and I don’t know the address.

I was told I would be blindfolded once I touched down at Teterboro. I am then to be driven by Towncar to the site of the wedding. They say the blindfold can not be removed until I am safely inside the wedding house.

I’m really getting sick of going to these Presidential daughter weddings. Two years ago it was Jenna Bush, now it’s Chelsea. It just doesn’t stop. I have better things to do with my time.

Don’t get me wrong, Chelsea is a lovely girl and a very very warm person. I met her a few years ago when she interviewed for a summer intern position in the Manka Bros. Television Group. I don’t really remember why we turned her down. Some people just aren’t cut out for TV.

Anyway, because Lee Ann Womack has decided not to return my calls lately, I will be going stag to the wedding.

This will give me a chance to spend some quality time with my old friend (and drinking buddy) Ted Turner. He likes to drink Whiskey Sours and talk about Jane Fonda and I love to drink White Russians and hear about Jane Fonda. She was an early crush of mine ever since I saw Barbarella.

If anyone needs to reach me, they can’t. I’ll be inside a no cell phone, no internet, Level 8 security zone (whatever that means). If you want to get me a note, you’ll have to get through 4,000 Marines.

It’s literally more security than Herb Allen had at his Sun Valley Retreat – and we were a much more important that this crowd.

On the positive side, I’m excited to see Sha Na Na. I hear that’s the wedding band. That Bowzer really cracks me up.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 15, 2010May 5, 2011

I Have Restarted My Monthly Book Club

Good morning.

I’m back in office after a few days at an Indian [editor’s change: Native American] Teepee sweat camp to get all the Sun Valley alcohol out of my system. That Herb Allen really knows how to over serve his guests.

About the only good thing to come out of that suck ass Sun Valley Retreat last week was the commitment from a few of my fellow moguls to restart our Monthly Book Club.

The last book club meeting we had was a couple of years ago and it was a disaster.

As I recall, Carl Icahn crashed the meeting and threatened to wage a proxy war to take over all our companies but I promptly had him removed by security. [Editor’s note: Mr. Manka, according to his own blog, actually invited Mr. Icahn to that meeting. But it is true that he had him removed by security.]

Poor, pathetic Carl is such a joke he’s not even able to take over Lionsgate – the puniest of all the studios. So, sorry, Carl, you won’t be getting an invite to my Mogul Book Club. RULE #1: YOU MUST BE A MOGUL. Harvey Weinstein will also not be getting an invite. Ben Silverman will be taking his place.

As I told my mogul friends (Bob Iger, Rupert Murdoch, Phillipe Dauman, et al) at The Drankin’ Hole last week, our book selection is “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo”. Everyone seems to be talking about this Stieg Larsson guy (maybe Manka Bros. should hire him to write something) – so I think it will be a better selection than our last book – “Water For Elephants”.

The meeting will be at Haim Saban’s house one week from Sunday – so get your assistants to pick up the book and get reading!

To my Senior Management Team at Manka Bros., I suppose we should have some sort of meeting to see what the fuck is going on around here and why haven’t had a hit movie this summer!

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 9, 2010July 5, 2011

Song Of The Mogul – Sun Valley 2010 – Day 4

Sun Valley Conference 2010

Day 1 — Day 2 — Day 3 — Day 4

—————————————–

Day 4:

I’m told Harvey Weinstein was the first to arrive at The Drankin’ Hole – an Idaho-friendly way of saying ‘bar’.

During the conference, the bar has been dubbed the Herb Allen Memorial Drankin’ Hole. I’m not sure why “Memorial” is in there since Herb is very much alive – but, that’s Idaho for ya.

After the past two horrible nights and after Manka Bros. received ZERO Emmy Nominations earlier in the day, I was in no mood to stay sober. So I was relieved that we would finally be devoting an evening to the fine art of getting drunk. And drunk we did get.

But my depression was Harvey Weinstein’s depression’s bitch. He lost an entire studio earlier that day. At least Manka Bros.’ standing as the World’s Largest Media Company is intact. Harvey ain’t got shit.

The Drankin’ Hole is nestled deep within the Sun Valley Lodge and there would be no access to anyone lower than mogul status with the exception of bartender Bin Tran (best dirty martinis in the world!) whose job it was to keep the drinks flowing and the bar fully stocked.

The March of the Moguls into the bar began immediately after LeBron James announced he was going to Miami. I don’t really care where LeBron goes – but it seems to me we can’t slam a guy who would prefer to spend his winters in Miami over Cleveland. Call me crazy. Most entering the room were talking about it and kept calling him a “moron” except George Bodenheimer – who called him a genius. “Wait till you see the overnights!”

So… I won’t bore anyone with the bullshit chitchat that went on while waiting for the effects of alcohol to take over our brains. (One side note: Bob Iger did ask if I wanted to buy ABC. I had to ‘gently’ remind him that I already owned a major broadcast network – MBS. I must apologize to Bob. I didn’t mean to dress him down so cruelly in front of the other moguls. But I worry about Bob. I think he’s starting to lose his memory).

I think it was Terry Semel who figured out how to turn on the Karaoke machine. He was fiddling around with something on the little stage in the bar and suddenly there was BLAAHT from one of the speakers.

“Is this on? Is this on?”, Terry said. “I’d like to propose a toast… to Herb Allen for continuing to boost our egos by designating us the most important people of the world every year. To my fellow Moguls… for being the most important people in the world. And to Bin Tran – for making the best dirty martinis in the world!” This last one got the biggest applause. “Now let’s sing!”

Terry Semel started things off with Barry Manilow’s “Ready To Take A Chance Again”. It was sung about an octave too low and was more spoken then sung. But it had heart. If you know Terry’s voice, you get the idea.

I would say the most embarrassing moment came when Harvey Weinstein sang a sloppy drunk version of “I Will Survive”. We all seemed to feel this was a bit too on the nose. It got truly pathetic when he sang the chorus “I Will Survive” and we all sang back “No, You Won’t!” Sad sad sad.

For myself, I always start off with “Me and Bobby McGee” and then later I do “Jeremy” by Pearl Jam. Always a crowd favorite – but I used to be in a band.

Other highlights included Jeff Zucker (“Desperado”), Brian Roberts (“Everybody Dance Now”), Haim Saban (“Summer Wind” and “My Way”), Diane Von Furstenberg surprised us all with the entire “Bohemian Rhapsody”, Chase Carey did an unbelievably killer version of “Keep On Rocking In The Free World”, Larry Page, Sergey Brin and Eric Schmidt really embarrassed themselves with “Livin’ On A Prayer” and Mark Zuckerberg sang some song by Kelly Clarkson that no one really knew or paid attention to.

We kept waiting for Barry Diller to sing that song he does every year from “Les Miserables” – but he decided not to sing this year. I can imagine he’s exhausted from last night’s “event”.

The evening was concluded perfectly by Warren Buffett and Herb Allen who got together on stage and thanked everyone and then did a heartfelt version of “Last Dance”. By the time it got the “fast skate” portion (a throwback term to my roller disco years in the 1970s), we were hopping around in a joyous drunken way, singing along and enjoying our power.

Last night was a truly great night.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 8, 2010July 10, 2019

Burning Mogul – Sun Valley 2010 – Day 3

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Herb Allen's Sun Valley Conference 2016, Sun Valley Lodge, Bin Tran, Vin Tran, Lee S Ainslie III, Yousef Al Otaiba, Hans-Holger Albrecht, Paul G Allen, James Anderson, Marc Andreessen, Michael Angelakis, Tim Armstrong, Nikesh Arora, Neil M Ashe, Emilio Azcarraga, Manvinder S Banga, Lionel Barber, Craig R Barrett, Willow Bay, Andreas Bechtolsheim, Marc Benioff, Jeffrey Berg, James Berkus, Michael S Berman, Mark Bertolini, Gary Bettman, Jeff Bewkes, Jeffrey P Bezos, Aneel Bhusri, The Right Honorable Tony Blair, Gregory R Blatt, Anthony H Bloom, Michael R Bloomberg, Steven R Boal, Scott A Bommer, Cory A Booker, Jeffrey H Boyd, Sergey Brin, Glenn Britt, Tom Brokaw, Michael J Brown, Howard G Buffett, Susie Buffett, Warren Buffett, John Burbank, Stephen Burke, Erin Burnett, Ursula Burns, John E Bush, Jeanie Buss, John A Canning Jr., Chase Carey, Wences Casares, Mark Casey, Kenneth Chenault, Peter Chernin, Brian Chesky, Richard Chilton, Chris Christie, Lewis Cime, Adriana Cisneros, Gustavo Cisneros, Vittorio Colao, Timothy Collins, Patrick Collison, Timothy Cook, Anderson Cooper, David Corkins, Delos Cosgrove, Dick Costolo, Cristian Croitoru, Henry Crumpton, Jose Luis Cutrale, Will Danoff, Philippe Dauman, Christopher Davis, Alfonso de Angoitia, John DeGioia, Diego Della Valle, Brian Demain, Andre Desmarais, David DeVoe, Feroz Dewan, William DeWitt, Barry Diller, Daniel Doctoroff, Jonathan Dolgen, John Donahoe, Jack Dorsey, Michael Duke, Mathias Dopfner, David Ebersman, Wesley Edens, Marvin Edwards, Eric Eisner, Michael Eisner, John Elkann, Thomas Evans, Randel Falco, Jose Antonio Fernandez, Michael Ferror, Niall W. A. FitzGerald, Thomas Friedman, Michael Fries, Tommy Frist, Daniel Fulton, Michael Fux, Mala Gaonkar, Whitfield Gardner, William Gates, Melinda Gates, Julius Genachowski, Daniel Gilbert, Thomas Giovine, David Goldberg, Roger Goodell, Bing Gordon, Donald Graham, Brian Grazer, Brad Grey, John Griffin, Andreas Halvorsen, Reed Hastings, General Michael Hayden USAF, James Heavener, John Hendricks, John Henry, John Heyman, Kazuo Hirai, John Hock, Reid Hoffman, Won Pyo Hong, Lisa Hook, Ben Horowitz, Drew Houston, Robert Iger, David Ignatius, Martin Indyk, Phillip Jackson, Eli Jacobs, Paul Jacobs, Robert Johnson, Salar Kamanger, Peter Karmanos, Alexander Karp, Michael Karsch, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Michael Keating, Brian Kelly, Muhtar Kent, Joseph Robert Kerrey, Dara Khosrowshahi, Seth Klaman, Joel Klein, Peter Klein, Philip H Knight, Victor Koo, Robert Kotick, Robert Kraft, Henry Kravis, Ynon Kreiz, Blake Krikorian, Ananda Krishnan, Stan Kroenke, Daniel Lamarre, Michael Larson, Martin Lau, Michael Leavitt, Jay Lee, Eric Lefkofsky, Theordore Leonsis, Max Levchin, David Levin, Phil Libin, Martin Lipton, Bryan Lourd, Kenneth W Lowe, Michael Lowenstein, Dan Lufkin, Dennis P LYnch, Michael Lynton, Maurice Levy, John Malone, Robert Marcus, Morris Mark, Donald Mattrick, Kathleen A McCarragher, General Stanley A McChrystal, Andrew McKenna, General Montgomery C Meigs, Lorenzo Mendoza, Ron Meyer, Roberto Mignone, Hiroshi Mikitani, Bill Miller, Kenneth Miranda, Thomas Monahan, Leslie Moonves, Luis Alberto Moreno, Dan Moskovitz, Craig Mundle, James Murdoch, Rupert Mudoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Nathan Myhrvold, Michael Neidorff, Jonathan M Nelson, Vivi Nevo, Sam Nunn, Michael E O'Hanlon, Daniel J O'Keefe, Don O'Neal, Ronald L Olson, Evan Osnos, CL Butch Otter, Michael Ovitz, Larry Page, Stephen G Pagliuca, Saul Pannell, Mark Papa, William Pappendick, MIchael Pausic, Minxin Pei, Francois-Henry Pinault, Mark Pincus, Laurene Powell, Lawrence F Probst, Rebecca Quick, Thomas Rabe, Jay Rasulo, Jerry Reinsdorf, Danny Rimer, Richard Riordan, Ambassador Charles H Rivkin, Brian Roberts, James Robinson IIi, James Robinson IV, Fernando Rodes Vila, Brian Rogers, Congressman Mike Rogers, Charlie Rose, Daniel Rose, Wilbur L Ross, Haim Saban, Karim Sadjadpour, Sheryl Sandberg, Ricky Sandler, Ted Sarandos, Fayez Sarofim, Nassef Sawiris, Eric Schmidt, John Schneider, Christopher Schroeder, John Scully, Allan Selig, Nicole Seligman, Eric Semler, William Siegel, Herbert Siegel, Ben Silbermann, Christopher Silbermann, Louis Simpson, Eduardo Sirotsky Melzer, Andrew Sorkin, Sir Martin Sorrell, Thomas Staggs, Cristina Stenbeck, David Stern, Michael Stone, Sir Howard Stringer, Robert Swan, Peter Thiel, Mark Thompson, Sebastian Thrun, Thomas Tull, Peter Ueberroth, Joseph Vacanti, Jeffrey Van Harte, Owen Van Natta, Martin Varsavsky, Leftie Vaughn, Michelangelo Volpi, Alexandre Von Furstenberg, Dian von Furstenberg, Casey Wasserman, David Weinberg, Judd Weinberg, Jeff Weiner, Harvey Weinstein, Wallace R Weitz, Robert Werbel, Michael White, Meg Whitman, Jim Wiatt, James Williams, Fred Wilpon, Jeffrey Wilpon, Fred Wilson, David J Winters, Nicholas Woodman, Major General Amos Yadlin, Jerry Yang, Jed York, David Zaslav, Dirk E Ziff, Gianfranco Zoppas, Mark Zuckerberg, Jack Ma, Jeff Bezos, Tony Wible, Marissa Mayer, General Stanley McChrystal, John Kerry, Michael Bloomberg, Justin Trudeau, Iggy Azalea, 2017 Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference 2017, Usain Bolt, Burning Mogul

Sun Valley Conference 2010

Day 1 — Day 2 — Day 3 — Day 4

——————————————

Day 3:

There is an unspoken and unwritten code among us moguls that I am about to break.

I have seen many things over my crazy life – from drugged out son of movie mogul Harry Manka in the 1960s and 70s to my current life as head of Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company – but nothing prepared me for the fucked up shit that Herb Allen (& Co.) put us through last night. This is a sick and pathetic world (even for us rich and powerful) and you either join the sick and pathetic to survive or die trying.

While the media that is gathered behind the barbed wire and gun toting secret police outside the walls of the Sun Valley Lodge will hear one story about last night’s “charity gala hosted by Diane Von Furstenberg” – the real story is what happened on the other side of the Lodge.

At 7:46 PM, the lights went out in my room. This wasn’t a problem since it was still light outside. I could see fine. A slow, ominous drum beat could be heard in the distance. Then, the distinct voice of Charlie Rose came over the loudspeakers in what I thought was Latin but just turned out to be bad pronunciation. I started to make out the words:

“Seekers and Outliers…
Don’t Blink…
It’s An Inflection Point…
The Tipping Point…”

There was a pounding on the door of my suite. I looked over and saw smoke coming from underneath the door. I put on a robe and opened the door.

Standing there was Sergey Brin and Larry Page dressed in chain mail – almost like Oakland Raider fans. Sergey was holding a smoke machine. Larry, speaking in as low a pitch as possible (but still pretty high), said: “You have been chosen. The Master demands your presence.”

Behind them, down the hall, I could see Jeff Zucker and Brian Roberts (badly disguised in homemade Spider-man costumes) drag a screaming Jeffrey Katzenberg out of his room and down the hall. Katzenberg was screaming: “I just need to finish this fucking call, you assholes!”

I went peacefully in my bathrobe to wherever the Google guys were taking me. Why the fuck not? This conference was already a dud as far as I’m concerned. This could actually be something interesting.

It was odd to see the Hotel Staff continue to say things to me like “Good evening, Mr. Manka” and “How are you tonight, sir?” – while being led to some secret location by Sergey Brin and Larry Page in chain mail. I believe they were supposed to put a hood on my head because once we got outside they stopped and argued a bit and then put a hood on my head. I could hear a few kids jumping into the nearby pool and having a good time.

As I walked toward something in complete darkness, the drum beat got louder and more intense and I could feel the heat of fire. My hood was suddenly pulled from my head and I had to laugh at what I saw–

–Barry Diller – in tight, small burlap sack shorts, a pair of metallic wings on his bare arms that were on fire at the tips and nothing else – standing in front of me in all his glory. I believe he had taken advantage of the free spray tan offered by the hotel.

Behind him, on the ground doing Chinese splits in front of a large Burning Figure was Jon Miller. He was staring right at me as though he was about to kick my ass.

Barry was having some trouble holding up the metal wings, so Haim Saban and Les Moonves each held up a wing.

Barry Diller spoke to me in that slow, effeminate but oh-so-frightening voice: “Khan Manka, are you new media or old media?”

I told him I didn’t believe in the concept of old and new media. It’s just media to me.

Barry Diller: Wrong answer!

What followed (and I can’t keep writing because there are more pointless presentations and panels to go to today) was an insane night of dancing around fires; simulating the drinking of blood (which were actually Cape Cods with red food dye squeezed out of bota bags); rubbing canola oil and dirt onto each others bodies; something called the “golden shower test”; and, lastly, Barry demanded a human sacrifice which we all quickly decided should be Marc Andreesson. I’ll never get his screams out of my head.

It was just the worst freakin’ night of my life.

Afterwards, the lights came up and we were all given a goody bag by Herb Allen of various new handheld devices including the iPhone 4, the Droid and the latest iPad.

This morning, 5:00 a.m. came really early. The last thing I wanted to hear was the “Dawn of the Mogul”.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

March 9, 2010May 5, 2011

Abu Dhabi Media Summit

Good afternoon from Yas Island – Abu Dhabi U.A.E.

I am dictating this blog from a mud bath in the giant purple Yas Hotel Spa Resort. Thanks to Stefania Bianchi and Nour Malas from the Wall Street Journal for taking this down and getting it to my office. I apologize for the smell.

When the U.A.E. ruler and prime minister Sheik Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum called me over the weekend to see if I could come to speak at the Abu Dhabi Media Summit, I told him absolutely not. I was preparing for another disastrous night at the Oscars (in which Manka Bros. was shut out yet again!) and did not want to travel 10,000 miles (or whatever) to speak about Manka Bros.’ future in the Middle East.

As far as I’m concerned, there isn’t a future for Manka Bros. in the Middle East. Construction of our Manka Fun Park in Yemen has gotten off to a horrible start due to various terrorist acts in and around the park site, so optimism about the future is not something I’m feeling right now.

But, in a stunning coincidence, as I was speaking to the Sheik, Rupert Murdoch called from his airport and asked if I wanted to hitch a ride to Abu Dhabi on his jet (The Roger Ailes 1).

It’s hard to turn down Rupert – so here I am.

(Note: To Ethan Rubidoux, we’re stopping through Yemen on the way back to check on Manka Fun Park Yemen’s progress. Please triple my personal security and make sure Johnny Walker Blue is stocked in the mini-bar).

I will be speaking at the Abu Dhabi Media Conference tomorrow morning. It will most likely be a variation on my recent speech to the Davos World Economic Forum.

Rupert spoke tonight. He rambled on and on about freedom of the press in the Middle East (or some such bullshit).

Hey Rupert, from one freedom crusher to another – “Nice try.” Think the Sheik buy will that crap from the owner of Fox News?

Rupert was supposed to meet me here at the spa after his speech but I haven’t seen him yet. He has two hours blocked out for a chemical peel.

Later tonight, I’m meeting Eric Schmidt at the Noodle Box here at the hotel. He wanted to meet at the Wandering Camel Discoteque (something like that) but I had to take a pass. My knee has been f-ed up ever since I took a tumble down Whistler while at the Vancouver Olympics. Dancing until dawn is something I can’t really handle right now.

Eric wants Manka Bros. to go exclusive to the Google Android with our mobile content. I’m going to tell him the only way we would agree to that would be if he changed his name to Steve Jobs and changed his company name to Apple.

He won’t respond well to that. But I don’t respond well to others trying to push around The World’s Largest Media Company!

Here’s Rupert now (with Steve Ballmer – and three other guys carrying Steve’s stuff).

Wish me luck tomorrow. I just pray they let me leave the country after I destroy their delusions of creating a “New Media Paradise” in the middle of this miserable desert.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company