I must admit that I was appalled.  Appalled, and then fascinated.  I was thumbing through Backstage West while sipping a Green Tea Frappuccino at Starbucks (oh, this is a horrid vice, but the Green Tea is so good – except I find that I’m getting a little belly, cute on the young and hairless but not so much on the middle aged) and in the back I saw an ad.

It was an ad for the “Straight Male Theater Group”.  “Oh my God!” I thought, “the most entitled group in the history of theater needs a group?”  I couldn’t believe my eyes.

Then I thought it must be a comedy group.  Then I thought I should just call their number and arrange an interview with their “leader.”  I called, and two days later had set up an interview with Robert Blanton.

We met at a local coffee shop (not Starbucks – no Green Tea Frappuccino, sob) and we discussed Mr. Blanton’s little group.

Kyrle Lendhoffer:  Mr. Blanton, why a “Straight Male Theater Group”?

Robert Blanton: Well, Mr. Lendhoffer, like any other minority group we felt that we needed a support group.  A place we could go to and share our feelings of isolation.

KL: You’ve got to be kidding me.

RB: It’s exactly that kind of attitude that makes the SMTG necessary.

KL: SMTG?

RB: The “Straight Male-

KL: Yes, of course, I’ve got it.

RB: You have no idea what it’s like.  Say you’re doing summer stock.  You show up for the first read-through of Annie Get Your Gun and your gay-dar is screaming like a fire alarm.  You realize that out of twenty-five men in the company that only five of you are straight.

KL: But Mr. Blanton, that sounds like heaven.

RB: How is that?

KL: Five straight men and at least twenty straight chorus girls, not including the leads.  I would think that you would be happy as a little clam.

RB: Oh, yeah, that part is fantastic.  Not at first… the women always think they can straighten out the gay ones.  Then after a week or so they realize that they’re banging their heads against a pink wall.  That’s when things get awesome.

KL: I still don’t get it.  What is there for you to complain about?

RB: Well, there is the social aspect.  Yes, we’re part of the company, but no one ever asks us what we think about their clothes or where there’s a great place to dance or if we’re having a good day.

KL: Maybe they could ask you about NASCAR.

RB: There you go again.  Just because I’m straight doesn’t mean I like NASCAR.

KL: Yes, it does.

RB: No, it doesn’t.

KL: But you like football.

RB: Well, yes, I do.  But I know lots of gay men who like football.

KL: But for different reasons.

RB: What?

KL: I digress.  So you think you’re being discriminated against?

RB: Absolutely.  But it’s very subtle.  Let me give you an example.  Just last year I was in a production of Urinetown.  One night I overhear a conversation and my fellow cast members are talking about an American Idol viewing party that they’re all going to.  Have I heard about this viewing party?  No.  Were any of the straight guys invited to the viewing party?  No.

KL: It’s common knowledge that straight men only mock American Idol.  You wouldn’t have been any fun at a party.

RB: That’s exactly what I’m talking about!  That’s bullsh!t!  I love American Idol!  I just happen to like sex with women!  What’s wrong with that?

KL: Some people find that icky.  And I don’t believe you.

RB: Oh yeah?  Season one winner, Kelly Clarkson.  Season two, Rueben Studdard.  Season three, Fantasia…

KL: Wow, you memorized a list.

RB: Season four, Carrie Underwood…  What?

KL: You memorized a list.  Nothing more, nothing less.

RB: You’re an asshole, Mr. Lendhoffer.

KL: And you’re a whiney little suck-tit, Mr. Blanton.

The interview devolved from there.  I couldn’t possibly feel sorry for Mr. Blanton and felt nothing but contempt for the “Straight Male Theater Group”.  Oh, please.

All I can say to Mr. Blanton is you have no place in MY theater.  The theater that I love.  Go watch your NASCAR “buddies” drive around in circles and then beat their wives.  Take that, sir!

I will now retire to Starbucks for a well deserved Green Tea Frappuccino.

Kyrle Lendhoffer – Behind The Proscenium