The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1
With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen
First – the coming of the clean.
Yes. I’m jealous.
Robert Pattinson has the hair of a god.
A messy hipster god, but god hair is god hair.
I want some.
Now for the real meat – once again, a crap-fest!
The film reviewer life can make one wish (and hope) the Mayans are right, the world ends in 2012, and thus my sitting through another Twilight is decreased to zero.
I pray for this to be so.
Review time.
Bella (Kristen Stewart) has made her choice: She is about to marry Edward (see “hair god” above). But the young man, he will honor his market share? He will accept to transform into a vampire, and see to give up his life?
None of this makes sense.
Like the last novel of the franchise of “Harry Potter”, this is halved for film. Twilight, the final episode, will split into two films. A necessity or a narrative stunt to garner twice the receipts?
Unfortunately, this second option is to be considered opportunistic.
Bad studio, ripping off the Twi-tards.
The conclusion is given the languid pace of the film.
If, initially, it is hasty (precipitated the wedding of Bella and Edward, and their honeymoon), the action then is dangerously fallen to the level zero. After blackness and dark twists the previous section, by far the best of the saga (“wow, that turd looks better than the other turd!”), now is the dominant impression of disappointment from the very beginning.
The narrative seems ever more stretched, not to tell again.
Early in the film, the “hesitation” Bella, already in the middle of the last film, persist.
Again and again.
And again.
Then, one more time.
The character played by Kristen Stewart wonders if she should marry, and then come some discussions with her suitor that I’m sure I heard in another episode. Then, once on the island of temptation, where the lovebirds spend their honeymoon (off of Rio, but there are no 3D animated toucans – bummer!), it was now the turn of Edward the vampire of be in dilemma.
Should he or not sleep with his wife at the risk of turning her into a monstrosity of nature bloodthirsty or kill on contact with his neck, his body, all members of a young fresh woman?
And the guy is still more than 100 years, so freshness level, there have been better!
In this chapter of inaction which is meant to be that of excitement, suspense is emerging little by little to explode in the second half of the film (finally, after one suck-tastic hour).
Bella was nubile and fertile, and therefore, following the single exchange of body fluids in the film (the temptation was right to Edward – he totally slammed Bella – awesome!), here it is a big creature unusual offspring of unprecedented , half-human, half vampire.
What to do?
Would it be first ever abortion where vampire baby instead eats the doctor’s face?
That would be cool.
We do not reveal the outcome of this confrontation with the unknown that will lead the “beautiful” Jacob (Taylor Lautner – trade some of that work-out time to get acting lessons, please) to big arms muscled man to betray his wolf pack to help his beloved, the one that has yet to abandon the damn cold meat of Edward Cullen.
No, I will tell you nothing, because if you are still reading this (at least this far), you will see this pile of shit anyway.
To conclude:
The Twi-tards will fork their money to Summit Entertainment and moisten and stick to the theater seats when Edward sparkles.
The world will continue to turn.
Some idiot will comment that Pattinson is a good actor.
Babies will die.
And later I’ll have to review a hunk of shit called “The Twilight Saga – Breaking Dawn, Part 2”.
The suck of all sucks.
Unless the Mayans are right. My fingers are crossed.
Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium
P.S. Ginner Goodwin – I am sorry. “Once Upon A Time” is no longer in my life. Please find a project that is less annoying so that I may lust to you properly.
Read the books, didn’t like them enough to see any of the movies. Only a mediocre series. Bella’s way too needy, whiny, and just irritating for me to even care about the series past the last page of the last book.
Yes! I couldn’t take the book sbecause she was so weak. I watch the movies to get a good laugh.
I think that mayeb this guy should pass off the Part II review to someone who may actually sneak in a flask of somethign good and appreciate the absurdness of these movies enough to have a decent time.
inb4 Twi-tard shit storm. They’re rabid.
I will not wait in line but I will see this movie. Bad reviews and crazy annoying fans cannot stop me. I love these books and I love this movies. Sorry Kimmo.
This is your funeral. I warned you about such shit. Have a good time – if that is possible with such a horrible horrible horrible horrible movie.
Very funny review, and possibly correct.
However, those of us with pre-teen children will still have to go to the local multiplex and stump up wads of our hard-earned cash to watch this dross no matter bad it is!
God I hate Twilight so much.
Kimmo,
I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you that the Mayans are right. I get the impression you haven’t read the books. I have and while they’re not great literature, I’ll admit they do have some merit. Stephanie Meyer does have a talent for relating to and writing about teen angst. Having said that, I know you felt nothing really happened in Breaking Dawn – Part 1. Believe or not, even less happens in Part 2. The vampire and werewolf worlds gather for an epic showdown, but everyone decides they are afraid of Bella, opt not to fight, and all leave the battlefield without ever actually going to battle. That is literally how the book ends. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that doesn’t translate well to screen so the decision to break this movie into two parts only emphasizes the plots weaknesses.
These films and books are aimed at me. However, since I have more intelligence and self-worth than a gnat I can safely say that they’re awful. They’re worse than awful, actually- they are downright dangerous. Teaching teenage girls that they should sacrifice their lives for an emotionally abusive partner is not exactly a healthy message. Getting a man and having a child (parasite or no) is not the be-all and end-all to life. At what point do we see Bella think about who she is and what she wants to be? Nope, her life revolves around which man will give her the attention she needs.
This is a well-written and humorous review – the only way to deal with such tripe as the Twilight franchise.
You are a dick
If you think that is a compliment, you are completely wrong.
No, I think you are a dick
This is incorrect. I am not.
You are a vampire loving dick bitch
This is also not correct. I do not love vampires (see my above review of suck fest “Twilight”) and ‘dick bitch’ makes no sense.
Very funny review.
terrible movies but all them turds that equal a pile of shit and people pay for it.:]
I will wait till they come out on showtime, then keep them on in the background while I vaccuum. I like the music.:P
Interesting review…but anyone who regresses to using the words suck and shit as a means for expressing their opinion on a movie isn’t a creditable source.
How about “blow”?
I am so tired of the harshness I’ve already seen today… I am Twihard and I love all the films, the books, everything. Can’t all you hating critics just shut up? Let the films rake in the money as they always have, admire the beauty of the actors and actresses, (who are fantastic I might add) and keep your opinions to yourself.
I am so tired of the butthurt I’ve already seen today… I am thankfully not a Twi-tard and I hate all the films, the books, everything. Can’t all you pre-teen no-lifers just shut up? Let the “films” rake in the money as they always have, admire the weak efforts of the actors and actresses, (who are rubbish at best, I might add) and keep your opinions to yourself.
I am so tired of the idiocy I’ve already seen for the last four years… I am a reasonably intelligent person and I hate all the twilame films, the books, everything. Can’t all you morons just shut up? Don’t let the films rake in the lameness as they always have, cringe before the ugliness of the actors and actresses, (who are horrible I might add) and just laugh your ass off at the pity that is your lives.
Honestly, I am a fan of something too (Harry Potter) and a huge one, I might add. But I see absolutely NO REASON to like this crap. I mean, critics are good at what they do. It’s their job! And EVERY. SINGLE. REVIEW. Has a million bad things to say, with one or two compliments at best. The actors don’t even care about the franchise! Rob once said in an interview that if he wasn’t in Twilight, he would just sub-conciously hate it.
It’s just HORRIBLE. It’s perverted (He’s 108, she’s 18), boring, bland, and BARELY falls under the title of “Fiction”. Honestly, the ONLY reason it’s famous is because it was the start of the Vampire Romance Novel craze with 12-year-old-girly-girls-who-dont-have-a-life. If it was later on down the list, almost no one would like it. It would just be another one of those books. I could go on forever, but I’m going to stop now. Have a good day and contact me when Twiturds get a life.
Hysterical review! I have to admit I am a 30 something and I loved all the Twilight books and cannot stop myself from the seeing the movies (over and over) even though they have all been very badly scripted and questionably acted and directed. I don’t know why everyone gets so upset at the bad reviews , i say all these things while I am in the theater watching them (and at home watching the DVDs). I guess that means there is no hope for me no matter what anyone says! hahaha!
Stephen King said it best:
“Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend.”
Great review!
No Twilight is about the impossible becoming the possible and that’s why they are loved so much!!
guess whos standing in a line of for a midnight showing in hollywood with his girlfriend? Me. I’m an idiot.
I know who’s not – me! Don’t worry – only an hour and a half to go (plus the 2 sucky hours actually WATCHING the movie).
You’re not an idiot. You went to Twilight with her. She will put out. Book it.
Let us know if you got any.
I hope you got a good reward for that, let us know.
I pre-booked my ticket for Sat 19th having thought the last book to be the one containing the most action and worth seeing… Obviously this does not ring true if this above side splitting review is anything to go on. However one comment questions why Meyer’s books see Bella focus solely on whether to pick the werewolf or the vampire and how to keep her baby safe..? Has anyone else considered that Stephenie Meyer is Mormon and that is basically what she was brought up to believe was important. Also readers take note, Edward is a self-proclaimed boy with old fashioned manners. i.e no pre-marital sex. Read: the author belongs to a cult of christianity and does not want to preach on too much about the whole no sex before marriage thing… Just think about it.
BEST review ever jajaj this movie sucks, i read the books and i thought the books were decent, but this movie is so funny if you want to laugh go and watch this movie, if you think is going to be great dont even waste your time watching this.
P.S The best thing is that doesn’t take a minute for jacob to take out his shirt jajajaja
Also, for those interesting and who are reading this review, please check out my review for “The Descendants” – I liked it quite a lot more. Maybe infinity-more.
http://mankabros.com/blogs/btp/2011/11/18/the-descendants-review/
Well Twihard fans. I just returned from the Breaking Dawn movie. I have to say I am very disappointed in this movie. I have watched the last three, I own the DVD’s and the books. This movie lacks emotion, drama, and jumps to quickly from scene to scene. It seemed very rushed. The cast were as attractive as the other 3 Twilight movies but the the storyline was very much lacking. I hope they reshoot Part 2….
Blah. The whole thing is freaking mormon abstinence before marriage propaganda. Apparently sex is bad but sucking the blood out of bunnies in the forest is OK.
This is the funniest film review I’ve ever read. You rock. Movie sucks.
What I would like to know is how does it end. Do we get to see the baby? DO we see Bella transformed into a vampire. Or the way they showed in the trailer (Bella pushing/grunting, while the Cullen family surrounds her) is this how it ends? BTW I read the book and you are right. It drags and drags and drags, and kept dragging. And yep there is no ending just a pretend showdown and everybody is happy. The End. Literally.
dear reviewer,
bad news for you, part 2 will be over by the time you realized that the mayans were right
Good Lord. Vampires are dead bodies reanimated by demonic spirits, whose only motivation is to kill or enslave the living. They are not twinkly teenage hunks. I know it’s all fiction, but it makes as much sense as if you wrote a zombie movie where the zombies have an incredible urge to tap dance.
Tap dancing zombies? This is genius.
Tap dancing zombie? I seem to remember a tap dancing zombie scene done to “puttin on the ritz”…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZ-aRwEbp5I
I tried to watch the first movie in the series at a friend’s house during a party where most of the people were fans. I hated it. I could find nothing in the movie that was worth watching, the acting, direction and dialogue were all boring. Normally I can find at l;east something in a movie I like but not that one and I have no interest in inflicting the rest of them on myself. Now when I know one of our get togethers is going to be a Twilight-fest I stay home.
Great review as usual Kimmo. I was not inclined to see this to begin with, but was getting nudged into it by my wife. After reading this review to her, she was no longer interested. So I would like to thank you for helping me to avoid this train wreck.
Keep up the good work… haters gonna hate.
Hilarious review.
But I am the ‘idiot’ who thinks Stewart, the rest and Pattinson can still rise the pile and do well. Very well in fact.
Here’s why:
To critics who would have us rhapodizing over RADA graduates or anyone who pontificates endlessly about methods/pedigree/ Hoxton cool etc — take your pick — here’s a newsflash.
Movie-making isn’t just big business, it’s epic monster-making business. Funded by financiers who make the Koch brothers look like Greenpeace activists, Pattinson’s team made a canny business decision to position their ‘talent’ in a film which — if it worked — would advance him considerably in the player stakes.
That no-one could have dreamed the ensuing success would become as exponential as it did — is now the stuff of myth, countless talking-heads, and avid note-taking by other agents. So why did Stewart and Pattinson emerge as the THE talking points of the entertainment/media complex as we close out 2011?
Easy. The presence Pattinson and Stewart brought to their roles elevated the content above an exhausted genre. Add to that an outstanding supporting cast, innovative soundtracks and scores, plus what can only be described as hardcore promotion on multiple levels, and a great solid base to start with (due to Meyer’s previous book success) to the mix — and one arrives at the TS phenomenon.
So to write Pattinson off as a ‘teen-meat’ is to make a very serious mistake. The guy is talented, unstuffy, genuine, funny, idiosyncratic, cultured and creative. Anyone remember the same guff being floated about De Caprio? Look how he turned out.
It was Pattinson’s astonishing funniness, openness and originality on the horrifically gruelling press junkets he undertook, in addition to his iconic turn in Twilight, that enabled him to capitalize on the expert way his agent and manager have handled his rise. Take a look at these interviews with Variety:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v…
and Dose.ca:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v…
— and tell me Britain — and the rest of the world — doesn’t have every reason to be proud of Pattinson. And the wonderful thing is; the best is yet to come.
I think many people working in arts and film currently trying to cultivate good relations for UK actors and producers in the US, would appreciate critics putting the tall poppy scythes down for once and pausing long enough to realize this:
You have to suspend belief to transcend it. The TS saga does not define Pattinson, but it did make billions (or will do by the time the merchs tail off), while transporting audiences to a world of realized imagination. It also gave us a genuinely fresh, possibly profound new talent in the shape of Pattinson to look forward to in what will hopefully be a sustained and notable career.
Yours,
Team sense.