Kimmo Mustonenen – Behind the Proscenium

April 5, 2024

Road House (Prime Video) [REVIEW]

ROAD HOUSE (PRIME VIDEO) – [REVIEW]

Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal

Director: Doug Liman

Okay, so I watch this remake on Amazon Prime.

First, let me say, it is like hot sauna on a cold winter night. You know, makes you sweat, but in a good way, like you’re alive.

This movie, it’s like if you took a big truck, filled it with mud, and then put some fireworks on top.

Boom!

That’s ‘Roadhouse’ for you. It’s all about this guy, tough as nails, walks into this small town, and suddenly, everything is on fire. And I mean that literally and figuratively.

The action, oh boy, it’s like watching a pack of angry bears fighting in the woods. You don’t know who’s gonna come out alive, but you can’t look away. The fight scenes are like a beautiful dance of destruction, choreographed by the gods of chaos.

Now, the story, well, it’s not exactly Shakespeare, but who needs fancy words when you got fists flying and motorcycles roaring? It’s about honor, revenge, and kicking butt. And let me tell you, they do a lot of butt-kicking in this movie.

The characters, they’re like something out of a wild west saloon. You got your heroes, your villains, and everything in between. And let me tell you, Patrick Swayze, rest his soul, he’s the heart and soul of this movie. His charisma could light up a whole town. And Jake Gyllenhaal is OK Joe as well.

Overall, ‘Roadhouse’ is like a shot of whiskey on a rough day – it burns, but it’s oh so satisfying.

So, if you’re looking for a wild ride with plenty of action and a sprinkle of old-school charm, then grab your popcorn and buckle up, because ‘Roadhouse’ is one hell of a ride.

Kimmo Mustonenen – Behind The Proscenium

April 4, 2024April 4, 2024

The First Omen [REVIEW]

THE FIRST OMEN [REVIEW]

Say, pals, gather ’round and lend an ear to the tale of “The First Omen.” A flick that’s got more twists and turns than a back alley in the Bronx.

Directed by none other than that cinematic maestro, Arkasha Stevenson, this picture takes you on a rollercoaster ride through the dark alleys of fate, where the lines between good and evil are as blurry as a speakeasy’s moonshine.

In the heart of the big city, where the neon lights flicker like stars in a cloudy sky, we find ourselves in the midst of a gripping narrative. The story centers around one Jimmy Malone, a regular joe with a heart as big as the Ritz and a shadow that stretches further than Broadway. Played to perfection by the incomparable Johnny “Two-Fingers” Callahan, Malone is a man haunted by his own past, grappling with the demons that lurk in the depths of his soul.

But fear not, dear reader, for Malone is not alone in his struggle against the forces of darkness. Enter Sister Mary Catherine, portrayed with equal parts grit and grace by the luminous Ruby “Red” O’Malley. A dame of the cloth with a penchant for punching above her weight class, Sister Mary Catherine is the yin to Malone’s yang, the light in his darkest hour.

Together, they embark on a journey that will take them to the very edge of sanity and back again. From the smoke-filled backrooms of the city’s underworld to the hallowed halls of the cathedral, they confront a series of trials and tribulations that would make even the most hardened gangster think twice.

But what sets “The First Omen” apart from your run-of-the-mill morality tale is its keen sense of style and panache. Stevenson’s direction is as sharp as a switchblade, weaving a tapestry of intrigue and suspense that keeps you on the edge of your seat from start to finish. And let’s not forget the impeccable costume design by the legendary Vinnie “The Needle” De Luca, which transports you straight to the heyday of the Roaring Twenties with its impeccable attention to detail.

In the end, “The First Omen” is more than just a movie; it’s an experience. A journey into the heart of darkness, where the only thing standing between salvation and damnation is the strength of one’s own convictions. So if you’re looking for a film that’ll leave you spellbound from the opening credits to the final fade-out, look no further than “The First Omen.”

Trust me, it’s the bee’s knees.

Kimmo Mustonenen – Behind The Proscenium

June 24, 2016June 24, 2016

Independence Day: Resurgence [REVIEW]

Independence Day: Resurgence

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

“Kimmo, you were gone again. W in TF, crazy Finn?” You asked this of me.

My fingers now answer.

I could not write from the jail house.

We were too busy a singin’ that rock.

Baby!

Let’s rock!

I lie.

There is no mouth music out of my face in the big house.

Or even the little house… L.A. County.

That is where my time was because I had a case of the stalking. Not my fault – she was the one that made me the one that was doing the doing.

So pretty.

So smart.

Mine.

Maika Monroe – I will stay 300 foot from you, with the order that is restraining my love.

You say that the “It” in “It Follows” was named Kimmo.

If so, I am charged guilty – guilty of Goddess worshipping.

But then… then… your ding damn movie!

W in TF?

Oh Odin!

I tried for the drunkening.

I smoked the sweet, sweet smoke.

I, with accidental dumb, froze my nut bag with ice cream Bon-Bons (again! I hope my swimmers are still active).

But I must have to say – my IQ was shed of a good 50 points much like dog hairs falling in the heat wave.

IQ all over the sofa.

IQ all over my jacket.

IQ stuck in my butt crack.

“Independence Day: Resurgence” is so dumb, that dumb is smart to it.

How dumb?

OK!

Dumb plot?

Sure!

Will Smith has asked for so much cheddar that he is now just a portrait.

His son (Jessie T. Usher) is a mannequin that is also a pilot.

Judd Hirsh is still Jewing – his boat is floated by continent-sized alien frisbee into Nevada. Believing is total, really – only 90% of audience went “bulls are shitting here” when seeing this.

David Levinson (Jeff Goldblum) is still on meth twitchy – but his ex-wife from 20 years ago is a goner. Or she is now French (Charlotte Gainsbourg). There is no explanation.

The there is Mr. Sass (Liam Hemsworth) who is also hot shot top gun pilot guy. He can fly anything (as well as not kill puppies when listening to Miley Cyrus talk – maybe the deafness has saved his brain).

Data (Brent Spiner) who died in ID4 has beaten dead, but unlike Christ took longer than 3 days to be the groundhog. He is funny, and with it has many more smarts than the movie film.

President Whitmore (Bill Pullman) has a cane, so we know he is the crazy. His daughter (Maika, I forgive you, and will for every time you have me arrested – so stop with that doing of arresting, OK?) is hot and is good at piloting, too. And she and Liam are in the Mile High Club.

Hopefully. If I was Liam.

Pac-Man comes to the moon, but we are all “suck it, Pac-Man” and shoot him in the face. But… he has come to say that… they are coming… Space Invaders!!!

Ugh.

Same shi-ite, different movie.

More coincidences that can possibly be coincidental.

Everybody ends up somewhere where the rest of everybody is. Then the other bodies end up where they are at.

Then some are in the giant alien frisbee bigger than Antarctica.

Then they are not.

There are speeches.

There are ethnic people on the radios listening to the speeches and maybe the World Cup (all of us ethnics listen to futball on the radio – so you can recognize us as not you).

Explosions.

Pac-Man is really Pac-Girl.

Whaaaaaaat?!?

Damn.

I wonder who wins.

So.

Two thumbs, like the ice-box carrots that became mine three weeks ago and are limper now than little Kimmo in the jail shower (fear makes soft – fact), pointing dirt-ward.

I will have this movie on my eyes maybe once more – this fall – while drunk and high and trying to sleep and ID:R slithers up on the HBO.

I will blow kisses to Maika, squirt water from my eyes in love-pain, and like a tiny little girl cry myself to my sleeping place.

But for you? Go see “Swiss Army Man” – Harry Potter farting > Jeff Goldblum twitching. Fact.

Kimmo Mustonenen – Kimmo On Kino – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. What in the F, Great Britain? Now you are like Norway, but without pickled herring. And Norway without pickled herring is just Great Britain. Put that in your pipe and chew on it.

P.P.S. Maika, I forgive you… and will wait for you until Gemma Arterton’s next film. Then Gemma is mine. You have been warned! But I still forgive you.

March 25, 2016April 11, 2016

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice [REVIEW]

Batman v. Superman: Dawn Of Justice

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

What a returning for me.

Back to the cinema.

Back to finger thoughts on computers.

Back to Kossu (thank you Odin).

Time to write.

“Where was the Kimmo?” you may all have asked – at least 3,575 emailed to find where my life was. I was with the writer’s block.

The worst of all writer’s block that ever blocked. That block was named “sobriety.” They said “go to rehab.” I said “no, no, no.” Then they said “to rehab you go or your job is toast.”

I said “OK.”

A year goes by.

“Write, Kimmo” says the Boss Man. “How?” said I. My brain thoughts are stuck with no Kosso or sweet, sweet smoke.

Then I met Magda.

She was a Swede, so I was all “run away, she will eat your soul.” But her boobies were too perky and I was stuck with her love.

One night, afraid that she would strangle my neck in her sleep – (Finns and Swedes are like cats and dogs who have more hate than cats and dogs) – I snuck to the kitchen. In the freezer was Kossu. “Eff sobriety in the A!” I said – then gurgled the fire water into my gaping mouth hole. Then I found old green in a coat pocket – still smokeable.

I was buzzed, and kinda high… I was complete again.

So now, I am for writing – block gone!

Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice.

Wow.

What more to say?

Plot?

Do superheroes wear their underwear outside their pants? Damn straight!

Superman (Henry Cavill) is an alien illegally. He blowed up Gotham real good while bitch slapping General Zod (Michael Shannon) in previous movie, Steely Man.

This makes Batman (Ben Affleck) all like “you are an alien – if there’s even 1% chance that you might steal my car, I must 100% put my foot in your butt!”

Then Lex Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg) starts with the twitching like Katherine Hepburn. But without the good acting. He, like a junior high mean girl, wants Sup and Bat to fight!

Sup is busy trying to get busy with Lois Lane (Amy Adams). She keeps looking for news, but only finds that women are only to be saved.

Until Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot –hubba hubba!) comes along. She don’t need no saving. And she has a lasso!

Shit gets weird.

There is a kryptonic alien beast that looks like my Xbox had to this life traveled and then pooped out a giant monster.

There is fighting.

Sup flies to space with the kryptonic poop monster, then, when nuked, falls back to earth like a Malaysian airliner.

There are winners and losers.

And Jeremy Irons as a smarter Alfred.

That’s all you get from me – spoilers are for assholes, and my assholishness is at a low level – that’s for sure.

So, one drunken thumb happily up, another thumb stoned, also happy, also up.

Go see this movie, theater-style.

It is big and dumb, like Duane Johnson. But a lot better.

Be surrounded by geeks. And nerds. You will be so filled with movie love that you, too, may become a geeky nerd. So be it.

Don’t forget the sweet, sweet smoke. Trust me!

Kimmo Mustonenen – Kimmo On Kino – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. There were no random shots fired in people today on a mass scale in this country. Step up, America!

P.P.S. After The Drunkening, try to say Saoirse Ronan three times fast. It is unpossible.

HEAR KIMMO’S REVIEW RIGHT HERE:

March 20, 2015July 21, 2015

It Follows [REVIEW]

It Follows

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I am still thinking diseases.

First Disney Measles.

And now, something more worse – Shtup Monsters.

One is infecting you in the Disneyland, the other jumps the weenie (or Fort Cootchie if a woman-type) in the back seat of a car (or in parent’s basement – prison sex FTW!).

Yes, Shtup (thanks Jew friends for the word!) Monster.

Crotch Beasts.

Lumbering Junk Ghoul.

Herpes Walker.

Whatever you call it – “It Follows.”

Scariest movie of all time.

Because there is truth in the horror depiction of sex death.

Sex death isn’t having a hockey mask on the face and a machete. Sex death isn’t drowned kid at Camp Bone and Die. Sex death walks everywhere (like a hippy – or a DUI guy) and is usually naked.

And he/she never stops walking. Well, the walking stops when killing starts.

Damn.

Plot?

Oh.

My.

God.

There is a plot.

Jay (Maika Monroe) is sweet good girl who looks great in a one piece. She has friends. Nerd girl (Olivia Luccardi) who would be Daphne in Scooby Doo, Nerd Boy (Keir Gilchrist) who is a probable mix-tape master in 80’s movies, and her not as hot sister Kelly (Lili Sepe).

Jay gets the sex itch and makes the two backed beast with proto-frat boy Hugh (Jake Weary).

All is pretty flowers until Hugh uses hand roofies AFTER sex on Jay’s face and then is to tell poor Jay “I put a monster in your Secret Garden. You must throw this monster on another man’s pork. If you do not a naked woman will walk slowly at you until death.”

Yep.

That happens.

Then Jay and The Gang try to solve the mystery.

This movie is so the awesome that my mind is still scared. The rest of me, too.

Yet, I have horror questions.

Hollywood, are not all horror movies to be found footage? After Blair Witch Projecting, all the Paranorman Activity, Rec, the Cloverfield, and all of that jazzing – a real movie now?

Hollywood, you mess with my Kimmo head more than 3 liters of finest Kossu. But that is digressing.

SPOILER ALERTING!!! Maybe.

Now plot questions. Can Jay pass on death in girl on girl scissor action, or must jizz always be involved?

If Hugh just whacked into trusty sock, would Shtup Monster kill sock before Hugh?

Why is Sex Beast standing naked on the roof, smiling, like a naked on the roof Sex Beast?

SPOILING OVER!!!

So, wow.

Two thumbs up in the sky, afraid of the sex, but wanting all the same. Maika Monroe makes me want to hug her into safety. But only hugging. I have no wants for Phallus Fiend to bend me pretzel-like.

Go to this movie.

Drink, smoke, then lose your bone.

It is worth it.

Show this movie to horny teenagers. They will stop horning.

Kimmo Mustonenen – Kimmo On Kino – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Iowa State, you are my bracket breaker! I never hear of you until Wednesday, now I hate you losers with the heat of a million suns. There is nothing quite with the stupid as basketball has. Damn.

P.P.S. “The Returned” was better in France. French are creepy people – that is fact.

SEE KIMMO’S REVIEW:

March 13, 2015March 13, 2015

Cinderella [REVIEW]

Cinderella

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I have for a while, been away.

Not for purpose, but because damn dumb bad.

I had measles.

Not any measles.

Disneyland Measles.

Some disease child left his funk on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride and then I was with the infection. Or maybe it was stupid Tea Cups (they are good for nothing).

Damn. I was with icky red spots covered – as if a jar of jam had exploded and vaporized over my body – but not delicious.

All that was delicious was the Kossu I drank by the liter, putting out my jam inspired skin fire.

For weeks I got to think, “why were my parents in my baby pooping times dirty hippies living in North Finland commune?”

As is known to all not dirty hippies, they don’t put dead or weak viruses in their children. They are too high to worry about science. Or bathing. Or shaving arm pits.

But mainly science.

When my parents became clean and with jobs again and now being good society people (but still high) they forgot that I never had the only needle that I wanted for germ killing.

So, at the Happiest Place on Earth (no way really, best happy place is Six Flags “Now We Puke With Our New Hispanic Friends” Magic Mountain – just not on “Gang Night” – too many casualties) I get crappy Disneyland Measles.

And neither Kossu or the sweet, sweet smoke could made it OK.

But something just did make things OK.

Or someone.

And that someone was hot piece of 99% woman – she gave me the tingles. In my man place. And in my man mind.

She is Cinderella (Lily James).

Plot? Hells yeah, and more.

Lust and politics.

CGI mice.

Did I mention Lily James?

Poor Cinderella. She lives in Make Believe with Cool Dad (British Guy) and Hot Mom (British Chick).

In Make Believe, the 99% live in McMansions and have servants. But they want to be the 2%, like Prince Kit (Rob Stark).

Prince Kit’s Dad (Derek Jacobi) wants Kit to marry into the 1%.

When Cool Dad and Hot Mom die, Cinderella is forced to live with Stepmother (MILF Cate Blanchett) and Step Sisters (bitch face women from “Fashion Police”, I think).

Her new family is the suck.

Cinderella is so effed up she is talking to mice, a stag, some lizards, a bird, and (gasp) even the help.

One day, while out on a horse (that she is not talking to), she runs into Mr. Stag. He’s all like “Rob Stark wants to gut me” and Cinderella is all like “No way, Jose. Light that rocket in your ass and jet on out.”

Mr. Stag is all like “Don’t have to say that twice girlfriend” and bounces.

Rob Stark shows up and is all like “Damn, girl, you are fine! And nice. You are mine.”

Cinderella is all like (in her mind thoughts) “Mmmm, mmm, mmm – we are gonna be getting’ busy… in our married future which may never come.”

What happens next? Smoke the smoke, drink the drink, request Uber, and GO TO THE MULTIPLEX.

PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE: Always smoke, always drink, and always Uber. Kimmo approves of this message.

There are disappointments in Cinderella.

Rob Stark wears tight pants but they strap down his “Hamm-aconda” (Jon Hamm’s conjoined twin – groin beast – in “Mad Men” – it is legendary).

Now, it could be that Rob Stark isn’t packing… but we all know that is a damned liar lie. It would have been nice for the ladies.

So, I have two thumbs (and other things, I am winking at you with innuendo) straining to the CGI sky.

Cinderella is good.

No shit.

You may even have eye water leaks (damn romance stuff – maybe there was dust in the air).

See it, if you have a heart.

Kimmo Mustonenen – Kimmo On Kimmo – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “The 100!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Damn, Clarke. You are one stone cold-assed assassin. Now learn to forgive and go make out with Lexa. It is your destiny. And it will be appointment TV. At least in the house of Kimmo.

P.P.S. Pete Carroll, you are owning me $500. Passing on the 1? With two time outs and Marshawn Lynch? Huh. Really. There is in Seattle Aquarium a hermit crab named Marshawn Pinch. This is the truth. Marshawn Pinch would have from the 1 scored. Damn.

July 25, 2014July 29, 2014

Lucy [REVIEW]

Lucy

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Things that I, Kimmo, only use 10% of:

1) Muscles. Hard to be massive Super-Finn when keyboard is stuck to finger ends and I must drink Kossu and smoke for you people for the movies to know of watching or not. Hard work, but not of the muscle kind. Damn.

2) Jar of Pickled Herring. Damn stuff. Now that I am a burger eater (U.S.A.! U.S.A.!) that jar of heaven has turned in to jar of vinegar fish. Into the garbage, fish. My brain is hanging upside down.

3) Emotions. Until new love of my life – Tatiana Maslany – is made to me availability, I can only feel sulking and sad. 5% of each : ( Which is 10% in adding).

Now for some dumb: we all use all of our brains all of the time.

10% usage bullshit is 100% bullshit.

Yet 90% are little fool brains that go “OK! 10% it is! Preach on, Brother Luc!”

So, he does.

And so, we have “Lucy”.

Best part of “Lucy” (not including Scarlett Johansson’s parts)? You will only need 6% of your brain for the “Lucy” liking.

Maybe 5.

Plot? Does late night acid trip have plotting?

Then, yes – let’s go to Plot City!

In Taiwan, poor Lucy (Scarlett Johansson) is much too hot for crap friend (Pilou Asbaek) so he handcuffs her to a briefcase (take that, “50 Shades of Grey”).

Then there is death by shooting, and in comes Oldboy (Choi Min-sik). He puts blue drugs (Heisenberg shout out!) into her stomach and says, in his mind thoughts, “you are my hot mule now, bitch!”

He is right.

She is one hot mule.

Bitch.

Lucy reacts like a literal kick to the stomach, which happens.

Boom!

Drugs loose in the streaming blood of her body blood river, Lucy now gets a brain, bigger and faster than Caesar in the first Apes movie.

Now there is a race and who will win – Mr. Death, or Lucy’s brain – getting bigger, awesome-er, and crazier by the second?

Best times are when her cells start to get brainy.

All of them.

They are like, “we’re cells, and we’re outta here, man.” They are for splitting, but Lucy’s big brain says “eff that, cells. Stick around and things will get AWESOME!”

So they do.

Too give away any is to give away all, except: She is on a questing, to Paris (why not?), to find super smart guy Professor Norman (Morgan Freeman).

Lucy want to know 1) Why is my mind moving crap? 2) Why are my cells talking and wanting to leave me? 3) Where did these tentacles come from?

Norman has some answers, but not for tentacles (my fingers wanted to type “testicles”! Crazy dirty fingers!)

So, two thumbs up for reasons I am now giving (even two tentacles, if I had them… heh testicles).

With the sweet, sweet smoke and four shots of Kossu, the movie was a happy fun time in my cranium.

Special effects? Check.

Cool violence? Check.

Scarlett Johansson walking in slow motion (boing, boing, boing)? Double check.

And the movie was one hour and twenty nine minutes long. Take that Hollywood. It can be done. Now do it more often.

See “Lucy.” Her mega-brain demands it.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “The Strain” is some icky shit. But I am all in on loving it. No sparkly vampires, but vampire worms! Robert Pattinson, finally a vampire you would be good at! I kid, Robert. You would suck (as in “bad”, not vacuum blood into mouth hole), even as worm. This is the truth.

SEE KIMMO’S REVIEW RIGHT HERE:

July 18, 2014July 22, 2014

The Purge: Anarchy [REVIEW]

The Purge: Anarchy

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

There was the time.

Russians.

Staring at border places.

“We are cool, with big meat,” was the Russian brain.

Then to war they went.

“Fuck you, Stalin Bitches” said Finland.

We were the winners.

1940? Finland awesomeness.

Russians? They thought “Was that our Purge?”

We Finns – we said just suck, Soviet pussies.

We made you dead.

We purge you! Assholes…

That was the first real Purge.

Now? Cinema says, even better than the first purge.

In first, there is wuss (Ethan Hawke) with sucky family (if in real my child life let in bad, the child would be dead in 5 minutes. Harsh, but fair – I would kill him myself).

Things were strange. And then now is now.

Time for new thoughts – as much as the kossu makes my brain great, as much as the sweet, sweet smoke make life, life-like. I have never talked to you Yanks of the Gin Long Drink. The best of Finland. Most times I am for the Drunkening. But when not, the Long Drink is for me.

And you.

Oh, the movie.

I was ready to quiver with hate. Then, son of a bitch, the cinema movie is good.

With politics.

Nice family (Carmen Ejogo and hot daughter Zoe Soul) don’t want for Purging.

Super cool guy (Frank Grillo) wants for saving everyone.

Maybe.

Shit, I want nothing to give away.

But, then comes thought things that makes this a movie of good:

Fuck the 1%.

The ones who want to purge are the rich. Because the rich, they want to purge the poor.

Purge = kill.

Shock of all shock – we will trickle down death!

Thanks, Alzheimer’s Ronnie!

Greatest President ever!

If by great I mean “rich get richer” and “fuck everyone else” you psychopath.

Who voted for this crazy fuck? You?

The rest of the world shakes its head stem.

But movie? Shocked is my head.

First, there was interest to be had. Then, we see what we thought from Movie 1.

Then… I want to give no more away (like a Republicans to the middle class!).

At least we finally have a Rand Paul world: Libertarian anarchy!

Don’t like somebody? Shoot him.

Don’t like a thought process? Shoot those who are thinking!

And never, ever, compromise. And Alito will make it law.

Go SCOTUS, go SCOTUS, GO!!!

Compromise, and the hope of governing, makes you a goddamn socialist.

Trying to get along? A goddamn socialist.

Trying to do the right thing? Well, you know… Effin socialist.

So, as a movie? Damn! My eyeballs were all “damn, what a great movie!” The later, my brain was like “damn, what a great movie!”

As good as the Ape Movie? Maybe.

A good movie? Yes.

So see this thing. Go in thinking that it is not the shit, but really shit.

This I did, and it is better than shit. Shit surprise is the best!

——–

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. I am right. Make on the comments. I am still right. Assholes.

Watch Kimmo’s review right here:

July 11, 2014July 17, 2014

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes [REVIEW]

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

With Wit, Reviewed by Kimmo Mustonenen

Times are things that make men weep.

Most men.

Not Finns.

We are not the weeping types for being told “no” to World Cupping.

They let the Swedes (bastards) World Cup.

More than once (but not this time – take that, Swedes).

But we need no World Cupping.

We Finns can Cup for ourselves.

Sunday I will not be World Cupping.

I’ll be drinking kossu, smoking the sweet, sweet smoke and going back to see the greatest movie ever made – “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.”

Yes.

It is.

See for yourself.

Plot? Do monkeys poop in their hands?

You bet!

Ten years have come and gone and come. Monkey flu is the worse than a plague, yet plague-like in the killing.

499 of every 500 people – dead.

Real estate is now affordable in San Francisco (plague, please come to Los Angeles, too – I cannot for now afford to live in the Malibu – my dream of dreams – it is filled with fully figured actresses).

San Fran is in the shitter – with no electricity.

Humans Malcolm (Jason Clarke) and his bulge making woman Ellie (Kerri Russell – Kerri, if you ask I’ll send you my digits for that we may date so that I can have a bulge, too, if you know what I mean – I say this to you while winking seductively) are tasked by crazy eyeballed Dreyfus (Gary Oldman) to rebuild super electric hydro damn (Super Electric Hydro Damn will be my 10cc cover band) to bring back property value to the Bay.

In the way are monkeys of many flavors. Chimp monkeys. Orangutan monkeys. Bonobo monkeys.

But not THE Monkees. That would have been the shit, but distracting, so only full body hair monkeys make the cut.

They are ape shit crazy (get it?) but can talk and ride on the horses.

They hunt elk, but are monkeys, so they fight a bear. The bear gets bitch-slapped to the dirt.

“Fuck you, bear” say the apes.

The cool monkey leader, Caesar (Andy Serkis – really in green body suit covered with ping pong balls running around a green screen world – which would be so the awesome when high) says, “OK humans, just mess with the dam, or we will poop in our hands and throw it at you.”

Caesar’s best monkey pal Koba (Toby Kebbell – also in green body suit, etc., etc.) says, “Eff that C, we’re gonna use poop guns to knock you human clowns off the planet, yo!”

The war is on.

How good is Ape vs. Human war?

I forgot to drink my kossu for an hour.

An hour!

Same with my weed.

How the hell is this a possible? But it was.

CGI is better than reality here (I said this – CGI is now not always the suck). Apes were more awesomer than people.

This shit is real, friend.

Believe it now. It will mess with the wet organ that is your brain.

So, two thumbs wishing that I was a poop throwing ape on the big screen.

See this movie today.

Then see it yesterday (but you cannot) and again tomorrow (this is possible).

It will be worth every penny (or $16 if in 3D).

“Dawn of the Planet of the Apes” – best picture of 2014. Book it!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Orphan Black” has blown my mind stem. Clone Tatiana Maslany and bring me four of her. Then I would not need Malibu. My Chatsworth apartment would be heaven, except in Chatsworth. Oh, yes – this I dream. You should dream it, too. Kimmo has spoken (with typing).

HEAR/WATCH KIMMO’S REVIEW HERE:

May 23, 2014June 6, 2014

X-Men: Days of Future Past [REVIEW]

X-Men: Days of Future Past

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Damn.

Sometimes, a guy, with a drunk mind wants to see a movie.

This is all right.

Why not?

Then comes a movie with before a course in the college of your choice you must have been all night using Adderall because this movie is the final of the second semester.

Damn.

Here we go.

——————————————–

Did you see X-Men (2000)?

Magneto (Ian McKellen) was boss. His strong was not so strong. He messed up Mrs. Liberty, but with effort that makes one short.

There is no worrying, because Jean Grey (Famke Janssen) is hot.

——————————————-

X2: X-Men United (2003). Now Magneto can lift tons of shit, with mind thoughts.

He must be having brain push-ups, for his brain moving can now win in the MMA.

This is okey dokey, because of Jean Grey.

She is hot.

————————————————–

X-Men: The Last Stand (2006). Magneto lifts really big stuff, from far, far away (bridges, submarines).

He is somehow badder, bigger, yet with mad wrinkle-age.

I’m all “eh”, because Phoenix (Famke Janssen) is still for hot.

Except for the dying.

——————————————–

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009).

Really?

—————————————

X-Men: First Class (2011). Back in time, Magneto (Michael Fassbender – not naked) has more powers than old-time Magneto in the future.

There is no sense in this to be made. Mystique (Rebecca Romijn) is now Raven (Jennifer Lawrence).

This a trade up.

My man parts approve. Boing!!!

————————————

The Wolverine (2013).

Stinky poop, with everything Japanese except no Godzilla.

Avoid, unless you cannot.

Then see it while retching.

—————————————————

X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014).

Finally!

We are at the time of the movie for me and the reviewing!

But, sadness, I am almost out of words.

Plot? Shit-tons of plot.

I will sum up in as less words than I can hope to type.

First is the future.

Asshole robots are killing all for just breathing air.

So bad is it all that mutants go to China for figuring out of the crap.

Here, the writers are all “Hey, Kitty Pryde (Ellen Page), we have no original ideas, so, in bad science fiction writer fashion, back in time you send Wolverine’s (Hugh Jackman) thought-essence to.”

It is like J.J. Abrams took a squat on this film from his butt.

The past has wide collars and wider pants legs. It is disturbing.

Mystique turns in to Foxy Brown – this makes my eyes wide, and brings the bottle to my mouth hole.

There is Vietnam, and Magneto (Fassbender again, and still no dangling parts dangling). He killed Kennedy and is now under the Pentagon being punished, very sad.

Now, things are more crazier.

Many things happen.

My brain goes, “slow down X-Men movie, for I have no clues as to what the hell!”

Then there is a Nixon.

Past Magneto can lift an entire stadium! In 1973 – yet in 2000 he cannot. So more brain “what the hell.”

Then I remember!

Ah, there is no sense in comic book movies.

This is not science fiction.

Comic books!

I now forgive.

If infant Magneto can lift planet Earth, do it son! Nothing must be of sense making.

Whew!

No more pressure to care who is who, and who is doing what with super powers.

So I do not harsh my high and enjoy all that is.

What is the meaning, to you, the viewing person, from me, of the writing?

This – two thumbs up.

A lot happens.

If you did not get an A in X-Men 206 (sophomore level, “who the hell are these characters” course) all is OK.

Drink your drink.

Smoke your smoke.

Stare at Jennifer Lawrence.

Then stare at her some more (I did).

It is worth the $12 ($47 if in 3D).

Take it to the bank.

In the past!

I say this in the present.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. I realize that a Transformer turd movie is sitting on the horizon, looking at my soul. Odin, kill me with fire before I have to look on it to write on it. Please.

Summer is coming…

HEAR/SEE KIMMO’S REVIEW RIGHT HERE!

May 16, 2014May 23, 2014

Godzilla [REVIEW]

Godzilla

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Godzilla.

GodZIRRA.

Big em-effin’ lizard.

I am so with the exciting.

As a baby Finn, in Finland, I saw him.

“T.V. Scary So That You Pee Pants and Poop Young Children” horror Night Theater was on the television thing.

Olli and I, eating fish that was dry, sucking a box that was juice (Pirkka Mixed berry juice – send me some if you have love for Kimmo).

Happy, happy – because the great of all great monsters that stomp and kill was to stomp and kill.

And he (GodZIRRA) stomped all of the shit. Even Ironside (Raymond Burr).

Then Tokyo took a lizard foot up the anus.

BOOM!!!

My eyes leak as I remember the best.

But now. Now is the exciting.

GodZIRRA is back.

When one time he was 50 meters tall – he has more calorie dumped in his mouth hole for he is 150 meters tall!

Suck it, Mr. Cloverfield.

I smoke the sweet, sweet smoke. I slurp the Kossu from my Godzilla mug. I refill the mug and the slurping occurs again.

High, drunk, and with expectations on my brain sitting like a midget jockey – with full control.

Then… well, damn.

Gosh darn damn.

The boring starts.

Plot? Too much!

We go to be in 1999. Joe Brody (Bryan Cranston) has a wig. Things are to the crapper from the first.

Death. Sadness.

This takes thirty minutes.

Why? Answers do not come.

Then is the now.

There is boring guy son of Walter White (Aaron Taylor-Johnson). He is the guy who is the life sucker from the film. His wife (Elizabeth Olson), is good.

Other actors, good.

Monsters? Fucking great.

Script? Scripts should be written as if making something exciting is a good thing.

Good monsters, mostly good actors, me snoring in my seat.

Fuck you, script.

Two moth beasts. So big that they could eat all of your clothes.

Instead, they must mate and eat nuclear stuff.

And interesting is the last stuff that happens.

Worst thing on a movie that the makers can do – make the thing so that my brain sleeps before

I know that I am asleep.

Suck. Suck, suck , suck.

Damn you GodZIRRA!

Monsters are A-1, awesome, yelling, scratching, flying, fire-vomiting, and everything.

One thumb jumps to the sky for this.

Then the script. As before I said through my fingers, GodZIRRA! must be the awesome.

No. This is not the awesome.

See on the big screen only for the monsters. Be the drunk and high. Take a trusted friend to wake you from happy nap land only when monsters occur.

Ugh. Summer has arrived.

This is not the total Summer suck. This is just boring.

The Total Summer Suck is coming.

I am afraid.

And the fact that I am more of a sober person than the Kimmo that started this review scares me.

And makes me cry. Like a tiny little suck-tit.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. The 100 is the greatest show ever on my television watcher. I am not ashamed. Octavia gives me a man-bone. The truth was just typed.

HEAR/SEE KIMMO’S REVIEWS EVERY WEEK RIGHT HERE:

April 11, 2014April 11, 2014

Draft Day [REVIEW]

Draft Day

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

It is almost the time when fretting must be done.

Worry.

Fret.

The time of “cinema suck.” Summer movie blitz.

Damn… but what is to happen must be happening – it is the way of the world.

But now is Draft Day.

The sport called by some in Europe as “hand egg” but in America is “Football” and done in the fall has a time (in the spring) that comes for American college graduates with giant muscle bodies to be drafted for the game – from crappiest of teams to the best.

Like in junior high, where my brother Olli was always picked last for “Pin The Fish on the Retard” (number one game in Finland!).

Plot? Yes!

Sonny Weaver, Jr. (Kevin Costner), the General Manager of the first picking Cleveland Browns. The National Footballer draft is coming and Sonny needs to fix his draft place and pick the best swollen muscle runner for the footballing.

It is not easy.

There is wheeling, then the dealing, then the pregnant girlfriend (Jennifer Garner). The main coach-man (Denis Leary) is an asshole. The owner (Frank Langella) is a bigger of asshole.

So, if this movie is for believing, they should call themselves the National Asshole League.

There is lots of time for the worrying with grumpy faces on everyone.

There are several thousand phones calling other phones.

And then there is the yelling.

And new things are learned – most important of all is that the game of footballing is much more for excitement than watching how the game of footballing gets made.

Moneyball for baseball is like this movie.

Someday will be the making of a good film about sports building because that movie will be about the greatest game of all – hockey.

Until that joyous of all days we must have Draft Day.

Verdict: One thumb sideways, the other also asleep. There no Transformers (thank Odin!) and no explosions (also good). And no car chases.

Wait until is it Netflix time to see this thing. Then send the money you saved to me. I deserve it.

Remember… summer is coming.

Damn.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Ice Hockey Play for Marbles (All of Them) and The Cup Time is now almost with us. My love for Teemu Selänne is growing even bigger if that is a possibility. I have no love for Ducks, yet Teemu makes my non-Duck love disappear. That is what a Finnish Superman does to us. And me.

P.P.S. Game of Thrones. Damn. Arya is in my night time nightmares now. Creepy kid. Watch it instead of Draft Day. You will thank me again.

February 28, 2014February 28, 2014

Son Of God [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Sony of God, The Bible, Christopher Spencer, Richard Bedser, Colin Swash, Nic Young, Sebastian Knapp, Paul Knops, Darcie, David Rintoul, Gary Oliver, William Houston, Stewart Scudamore, Nonso Anozie, Conan Stevens, Jassa Ahluwalia, Langley Kirkwood, Patrice Naiambana, Joe Coen, Leila Mimmack, Greg Hicks, Andrew Brooke, Louise Delamere, Diogo Morgado, Darwin Shaw, Amber Rose Revah, Matthew Gravelle, Joe Wredden, Paul Marc Davis, Rick Bacon, Fraser Ayres, Said Bey, Adrian Schiller, Paul Brightwell, Simon Kunz, Sanaa Mouziane, Anas Chenin, Roma Downey, Daniel Percival, Noureddine Aberdine, Idrissa Sisco, Hami Belal, Richard Bedser, Mark Burnett, Eduardo Verastegui, Lorne Balfe, Rob Goldie, Robert Hall, Carl Proctor, Alan Spalding, Said El Kounti, Hauke Richter, Claudia Parker, Ros LIttle, Talli Pachter, Christa Schoeman, Brian Edwards, Jess Stevens, Grantly Butters, Alex Gibb, Tony Mitchell, Crispin Reece, Tarik Amchemar, Abdella Baadil, Aziz Mhand, Amin Rharda, Polly Stevens, Garrett Honn, James Jordan, Faycal Attougui, Rodney Berlinlg, Kelly Johnson, Bridie Bischoff, Katie Boxer, Mona Houd, jack Levy

Son Of God

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

There are things beyond our seeing.

Understanding is the impossible.

But they are real.

Really.

Some are good (Casper The Friendly Ghost, Caspar in Finland).

Some are not (Magneto).

Some are old (Dracula).

Some are new (Dr. Manhattan).

But all real super-duper people have to come from somewhere with the origin story.

Even the “Son of God.”

For an origin story, it is not too original.

This was on my TV in before times, I am sure of it.

Yes, I drink. Yes, I smoke the sweet, sweet smoke. I am forgetting things.

But this was on my TV – but with more longer. On the History Channel.

And President Obama was, in it, as the Satan. He is not in “Son of God” that I have seen.

Am I crazy? Am I victimized by mind tricks?

No.

Thank God (not his son, but Odin) for press kit. I read and am relieved.

“Son of God” is last part of “The Bible“ – the same!

Yet very different.

Plot? Well… yes.

The earth starts.

Then a bunch of crap happens, very fast.

Then story. The Virgin Mary (Leila Mimmack) gets knocked up, and in panicking says “God did it! I am no slut but a virgin!” (not in movie was this said, but in real life – disclaimer: I was not there, but I know things).

Then Baby Jesus, Son of God! He grows to a manhood in a blinking eye.

And everyone in the Middle East is from Europe. Cool.

Super handsome Jesus model (Dioga Morgado) is awesome-er than any Son of God that came before (per the film).

He does magic.

He (maybe) does Mary Magdalene (Amber Rose Revah). Who wouldn’t?

He does big talk (“I will change the world!”)

He does bigger magic (raising the dead – suck it Penn and Teller!!!).

He pisses off the powerful (various old Jewish guys, but not in real life). They are so mad that they nail him to the wood. And spear him in the side.

Then it is nothing but death.

The Romans do the last three sentences. Not the Jews. Back off, Nazis.

But wait. More to be.

Jesus wakes up from dead!

Freaking out is the only option for Jerusalem, and so the freaking happens – with nice light and background orchestra.

Then The Jesus gets the heck out of Dodge, never to be seen again.

So. Two confused thumbs, afraid of the Walking Dead. Jesus story was longer on my television, and now you are to pay to see it shorter on bigger screen with expensive mouth treats.

Hmmm. Maybe worth it, maybe not.

There have been better super hero origin stories. And the villains are the suck.

Old Jews are not scaring anyone, and they have no super powers. Except in Hollywood. Those old Jews fill the fear in any living person.

Old Hollywood Jews, if I have offended you my sorry is bigger than any other sorrys. Sorry.

Watch “The Bible” on Netflix. Longer, but you get Obama Satan.

What more is ever wanted?

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Finland 5, U.S. 0. The bronze medal is pretty. Hey America hockey, would you like one? Really? Too bad, losers. Kossu shots for all (especially my good friends of Old Hollywood Jews)!!!

February 21, 2014February 21, 2014

Pompeii [REVIEW]

Pompeii

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

This did not happen – yet the reality would make a fool of he who ignored what did not happen, yet happened… in reality.

In the cinema.

With the greatest comedy ever being made – the soon to be funny classic “Pompeii 3D.”

There was no expecting of this happening.

I know the story.

Rome spring break party place (Pompeii) is built next to Kaboom Mountain.

Kaboom Mountain goes “kaboom.”

Pyroclastic flow zips down from above (at 450 miles an hour – take that “Not So Fast, And Not As Furious as Kaboom Mountain” movies), and all the spring breakers turn into sad statues under the ash.

We learn from this that we will live further from volcanoes. This makes sense.

The sad statues say to Hollywood – “We were once happy and hot (in looks, not from volcano). We had love, horses, and greasy gladiator fighters. And togas. What a movie we will be!”

Hollywood says to the sad statues “Well, OK!!! All will be used! Laugh riot is coming to the multiplex!”

It was not funny in the begin times.

Plot? Yes.

The Celt (soon to be, in the future past, Kit Harington) watches Corvus (Kiefer Sutherland) overact his family into death.

The Celt becomes slave, and soon grows amazing abs that leak their own oil. He becomes a gladiator and moves from rain drippy London to super awesome Pompeii.

On a road, he sees Cassia (Emily Browning). She is so hotly beautiful and rich that The Celt must break a horse’s neck.

The horse is OK with this.

Romance is in the air, the horse is on the ground.

Many things happen.

Badass Atticus (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje) is gladiator version of poor retiring cop on last day of cop job. He is toast and also a friend.

There are other actors and not much fun for first hour.

We learn The Celt is really The Milo. He not only has oily abs, but is a horse whisperer.

He longs to use Cassia’s pouty mouth lips as flesh pillows.

Don’t we all.

Kaboom Mountain says “This is my film, now, son.”

And next is the seeing of flying volcano bombs from “2012” and earth rattle buildings to dust. In 3D, the sweet, sweet smoke in my head makes my arm throw popcorn from fear!

Corvus is angered and chews scenery.

Milo and Cassia are concerned for they may never bone.

Then it happens.

This is truth.

The giggles start in the screening theater. They infect everybody, but for an infection it is fine with me.

The dumb on the screen is actually comedy.

Paul W.S. Anderson, you are genius! We have been fooled on by you.

This is disaster laugh time! And laughter is everywhere. No one can stop.

I laughed with hardness at the last 15 minutes so hard that my abs almost leaked oil, too. My eyes leaked tears. My face felt the pain of joy. Pants may have also been pee’d.

We all (audience) walk to the lobby as credits roll.

All audience (we all) keep laughing. And laugh some more. We are now friends in laughter.

Unreal, but real.

“Pompeii 3D” is the funniest movie in my life that has danced on my eye balls. No shit.

Advice: Take a nap for first hour – nothing to be seen (damn PG-13, no Emily Browning boobies so rent “Sleeping Beauty” instead – you will thank me later). But as soon as Kaboom Mountain kabooms, all is well.

I am happy. I will see it again!

So go. You must. Kit Harington’s oily abs demand it.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Sweden, you are cheaters! Ice hockey is for men, not Swedes. Why did you poison Tuukka Rask?!? With his god-like wall powers in net you would be lucky if bronze was on you. Now you play for gold? To you Sweden I say “may all your children die before you and your old age be cold and alone.” I have cursed you. Choke on your silver medal. Cheating cheaters. Damn.

February 13, 2014May 23, 2014

RoboCop [REVIEW]

RoboCop

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I don’t want to sound like a bitch bitching.

Yet things are forever the same.

Scene: Interior: Hollywood. Oldsters with the graying heads talk.

Oldster One: I have no idea of anything.

Oldster Two: I have to poop.

Oldster Three: Back in the day…

Then, into the room walks a younger oldster – a goddamn MBA.

Goddamn MBA: We don’t for having ideas. I just saw “RoboCop” from year’s long gone last night on IFC. Let’s make it three more times! If I had one original idea it would be my FIRST!!!

End Scene.

So I see the new “RoboCop.”

I fall back in to old ways.

I smoke the sweet, sweet smoke. I drink the Kossu. Ice cream bon-bons pressed against my taint. And I wonder – can this not be a suck-fest?

Can this be a mind changing of my mind event? Then there is the movie start.

MGM lion makes “Thrrrrrbbb, thrrrbbb” sound with the lion lips instead of “roar, I will eat your ass” sound.

So I turn to hot Finnish date Aino (her boobs are like rockets). Her look says “you are not too high – the lion just “thrrrrrbbbb”-ed.”

Man, this is movie done right!!!

And, do lions have lips?

Plot? OK.

Then the movie really starts. We have seen this in the before. Cop Murphy (Joel Kinnaman), soon to be Cop – Robo, has hot marriage ruining wife (Reese Witherspoon thanks you, Abbie Cornish).

He is good cop. He must fight cops for who to them good is just bad.

And more profitable.

Then the kaboom.

Enter Dr. Norton (Gary Oldmam) who works for the worst Batman (Michael Keaton) to make a robot cop a human/robot cop that will make liberals squeal and let drones fly our skies and walk our streets.

And he does.

Black Bill O’Reilly (Samuel L. Jackson) lets from his mouth place propaganda squirt. We must have robot cops. Drones are for the making of the friendly sky.

OK. I get it. Today has so many more troubles than 1987 things must be redone.

Or maybe not.

Damn, thinking is harder than not for thinking.

But the remake must be the remade. We have no choice.

For one more time this year I feel that I am watching Brad on the X-Box. (Brad is asshole roommate, but he did replace his eaten PB with the crunchy. Nice first step, Brad. Dick.)

Brad’s RoboCop rides a motorcycle. Well done!

Brad’s RoboCop hunts down bad guys with face mask giving him cheats. Done even better!

When is my turn? I would like to have the game for the playing.

But no. I must watch.

God dammit.

The last half of “RoboCop” is watching the roommate bogart the controller.

Don’t bogart the controller, my friend – pass it over to me!

So, thumbs are confused. Stuff is cool. Stuff is remade, but not better.

Where is Red (“come on, dumbass!”)?

Will there ever be new ideas?

Will the new “300” movie be more guys covered with oil?

This job is hard and then harder.

And with summer movies coming, my face makes a sad.

Summer is coming.

Crap storm.

Who will survive?

See “RoboCop” if you must.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Austria, Finland will crush you. In hockey. In other things, maybe not. Aino (of the buxom wonderness), you can watch the game in my apartment. I promise I will not go psychotic. I cannot promise this for my brother, Olli. He may psychotic and die. Such is being a Finn in Olympics time.

HEAR/SEE KIMMO’S REVIEWS EVERY WEEK RIGHT HERE: