Kyrle Lendhoffer – Page 4 – Behind the Proscenium

July 3, 2012July 3, 2012

The Amazing Spider-Man [REVIEW]

The Amazing Spider-Man

With Wit, Reviewed by Kimmo Mustonenen

Reboot.

I have the confusion.

What have there the meaning for this?

Example: Take something that was cool. And made money by the crap load. Say “this is too old for the liking – who will understand the oldness?” Say, “how can more crap loads of money can be milked if already the thing is owned by the kids?”

Reboot!

So, ten years after the Spider-Man now is new Spider-Man (amazing!) is all up in the cinemas!

Money must be made, the good must be good again, what is old is now new (and is for the cash to be had – thanks for the consistency,Hollywood!).

REBOOT!!!

Spider-Man is now The Amazing Spider-Man.

Already better.

AMAZING!!!

Some is different, some the same.

Most the same, really.

How?

Spider-Man. Tobey Maguire. Real nerd. Only cool with the spider juice flowing in the veins.

Andrew Garfield. Tormented. Could be cool without spider juice, but gets the juice bitten just the same.

Torment! Angst! It is the suck to have superpowers.

Bad guy. Still green. But different. English dude (Rhys Ifans) is not as a creeper as the Willem Defoe. But, other than the John Malkovich, no one is the creeper as Defoe.

No Malkovich in “The Amazing Spider-Man.”

Damn. Maybe the next reboot (mark the calendar 10 years in the future).

Girlfriend. Emma Stone is the hotness for the Spider-Guy at this time. It was, in before the reboot, Kirsten Dunst.

Stone has a lisp.

Dunst gave us her boobies in “Melancholia.”

We can – only for the hoping – wish that now in the future Emma Stone boobs will be for the seeing, drooling, and then the wanting. To touch. In reality.

Soon. Please.

Oh. And they’re tied.

Newspaper. No contest.

Denis Leary is angry. Every character laid on by Leary is angry. Some less. Some more. All angry. Angry, angry, angry. J.K. Simmons? Loveable. Gruff. Sometimes angry.

Wow, he has a range for something other than his one note! He wins this one.

Plot? Really?

Nerd gets bit by the spider juice. Gets powers that are so cool.

Crazy scientist somehow with the family entangles and death and sad and Peter needs an ass to kick.

And a cute chick.

Sub-plot. Big fight! Spider-Man wins again – and learns a lesson.

Some kind of lesson. I forget (damn you, kossu!).

One thumb is up for “The Amazing Spider-Man.” The other thumb can’t figure why I’m seeing what I just saw in the past.

But I get it.

Money.

Do you have the brain knowledge the Harry Potter movies are now 11 years old? Get on it Hollywood!

The shit-pile of money made by those make the embarrassment on Spider-Man.

Reboot now!

Reboot Harry Potter!

Or not. Assholes.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. New “Glee Project” tonight! Predictions: Crying, “this is so important to me”, “no one understands what I’m going through”, “this is my life!”, crying, yelling, singing, “this is my only shot”, flirting, then gay Ryan Murphy saying a cliché, then more crying, and song. I cannot wait! My bong is full…

June 29, 2012

Ted [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Kimmo Mustonenen, Behind the Proscenium, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Ted, Seth MacFarlane, Alec Sulkin, Wellesley Wild, Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, Joel McHale, Giovanni Ribisi, Patrick Warburton, Matt Walsh, Jessica Barth, Aedin Mincks, Bill Smitrovich, Patrick Stewart, Norah Jones, Sam J. Jones, Tom Skerritt, Bretton Manley, Ralph Garman, Alex Borstein, John Viener, Laura Vandervport, Robert Wu, Ginger Gonzaga, Jessica Stroup, Melissa Ordway, Max Harris, Zane Cowans, T.J. Hourigan, Owen Clarke, Kristina Ellery, Katelyn Lorren, Chanty Sok, Sarah Fischer, Cassie Dierf, Joe Sirani, Pat Shea, Paul Campbell, Josh Duvendeck, Chris Cox, Henry Penzi, Talia Cabrera, Colton Shires, Viera Andrea Moya, Haejee Kim, Lydia Hannibal, Shawn Thornton, Eric Weinstein, Danny Smith, Mike Nikitas, Robin Hamilton, Mike Henry, Johnny Lee Davenport, Christina Everett, Kilo Alexander, Emmalyn Anderson, Alecia Batson, Ellen Becker-Gray, Marshall Berenson, Ronald Boone, Paul Bronk, Jeff T. Buco, Ryan Butcher, Jeffrey Corazzini, Richard DeAgazio, Aaron Dorsey, Alexandra East, Jquelyn Fabian, Shawn Fogarty, Evan Fonseca, John Franchi, Sophia Gilberto, Enku Gubaie, Rosemary Howard, Frankie Imbergamo, Mike Jablon, Olivia Jordan, Kahdiak, J. Parker Kent, Seamus Knight, Ren Knopf, Mark Kubr, Kathy Lashay Berenson, James L. Leite, Daniel Lowney, Phyllis Lynn, Tom Mariano, Rob Marin, Jeff Martineau, Sara Murphy, Ken Murray, Allan Oliveira, Ted Oyama, Richard Pacheco, Chris Palermo, Joseph Paolo, Laura Pizzuti, David Pulson, Stacey Queripel, Donna Glee Reim, Kayla Ruhl, Megan Sacco, Nicole Signore, Matthew Spinale, Sean Daniel Stentiford, Stream, Shannon Elaine Sweeney, John Talalas, Ally Tully, Jamie Christopher White, Luke Young, Jason Clark, John Jacobs, Mark Kamine, Joseph J. Micucci, Scott Stuber, Wellesley Wild, Walter Murphy, Michael Barrett, Jeff Freeman, Sheila Jaffe, Stephen J. Lineweaver, Kyra Friedman, Carla Antonino, Liz Berstrom, Carol Dantuono, Mark Kamine, Holly Rymon, Eric Heffron, Dylan Hopkins, Elizabeth MacSwan, Mike McGuirk, Richard Oswald, Brad Robinson, Scott Rogers, Christopher Sadler, Alison Troy, Jason Allard, Beth Anderson, Bobby Anderson, Shadya H. Balluq, Alix Belleville, Justin Bliss, Doug Cluff, Bryan Felty, Tom Williams, Mark Norby, Dana Reed, Kirk Bloom, Mark Vargo, David Adkins, Alyssa Barnes, John Burke, Amiee Clark, Ryan Cook, Jeff Crandell, Kelly Cronin, Sean Patrick Doherty, Kathryn Farino, Ethan Fox, Donna Glasser-Hancock, Timothy J. Gorman, Anna Gossman, Tim Haber, Chase Hall, Michael Harker, Jacob Head, Matthew Herman, Henry Humphreys, Elliot Kahan, Shea Kammer, Kate Kelly, Brady Kephart, Katie Kramer, Ashley Kravitz, Tim LaDue, Scott Levine, Jeff Maclean, Ruben Malaret, Jeffery Mannarini, Matthew Mayer, Joseph J. Micucci, Bryson Mooso, Cameron Morton, Julia Nemerow, Nick Noyes, Michael Oxton, Maria Palazon, Kevin Pasdon, Michael Peavey, Sean Perry, Michelle Poole, Brendan Potter, Jaydi Samuels, Cory Scott, Claire Severance, Shannon Shea, Missy Simms, James Slater, Cyndal Todd, Neil Tuli, Stephen Turro, Michael Twombly, Lorenzo Vigil, Alex Wayne, Peter Wentzel, Kit Wiltanen, Steve York, Dawn Bardan, Ryan Spenser

Ted

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

This week is a suck week.

There is the movie that I wanted to write all over, and the other I see in my smoke heightened brain daily.

Why should I see something that I all the time see?

Things make talking on me all the time.

That is life.

I wanted the writing for “Magic Mike.”

Stripper movie!

Maybe a “Showgirls 2” thing. Hot, slutty, and dumb chicks – the best.

With boobs. Better.

But no. There are no tears cried, just the disappointment lump in my stomach place.

So.

“Ted.”

Talking bears are all the time in Finland.

For two days, after a rage week of drinking, everything talks, talks too much.

Trees.

Fish.

Bears.

In America, they are called hallucinations.

In Finland, a hangover.

“Ted” is about a kid who am had a 35-year hangover?

O.K.,Hollywood – I’m ready.

Plot? Crazy, crazy plot!

Young John has and only friend – a cuddly teddy bear, a Christmas present – through an accidental magic, the bear arises to life, talk, and have feelings such as its new owner.

Since he’s a kid and not on the sweet, sweet smoke, shock happens – then goes away.

Ted of a media sensation will appear even with Johnny Carson as guest on the Tonight Show – Ed McMahon (probably drunk on the whiskey) thought Ted was ALF.

Funny! 80’s joke, for the win!

As the years go on, John (Mark Wahlberg, almost as funny as in “The Happening”) and Ted (Seth MacFarlane – as Peter Griffin as a Teddy Bear, with better taste in the woman-whores) to remain roommates, that’s it.

However, the troubles arise when Ted is in the way of the present, with John of the romance with his girlfriend Lori (Mila Kunis – she made a stiffening in my area) interfere on the search for something more serious and bear-free.

As for Ted, he writes letters to the Hasbro over his tiny little pecker thingy.

I have just accepted mine.

Although Extenze may be in the future used. Kimmo’s women must be happy! They are always happy.

Really.

Much man on bear comedy follows.

Funny.

Vulgar.

Funny again.

More of the vulgar.

The just the damn funny.

So, two thumbs as straight in the air as my man-ness when Mila Kunis appears on the film.

That’s pretty damn straight!

See this movie.

Although my “Magic Mike” disappointment still leaves a discomfort, I am happy.

Now for kossu shots and weed. “Ted” was a success!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. I have just learned that “Magic Mike” was about the man strippers. Avoided! WTF!?! Maybe the lucky Kimmo is returning…

P.P.S. “The Glee Project.” Charlie kid is defining assholishness. First, he blabs about himself like he is another of him (Editors note: We believe he means Charlie was talking about himself in the third person). Only one word for Charlie, in any language blabbed: douche-bag. Nina was cute. Blind guy and fat chick were not so much for irritation. But Charlie must be slapped. In the face. Hard.

June 22, 2012June 22, 2012

Brave [REVIEW]

Brave

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Readers – I live.

My man liver is alive.

Kossu can be again for the drunkening.

Kimmo cannot be tamed.

Like the beast of the wood – drinking, smoking, eating, drinking, watching movies, drinking, smoking, writing reviews, and then some drinking and smoking – I am back.

And in front.

The fear is out of me.

No longer can the movies of summer make me puke.

I am a man.

And this man is in heart love with “Brave”.

Sucker for red-heads? Guilty.

Sucker for the Pixar? Even more!

Can they be better now than in the past? Hells yes.

And they have shitty, Kimmo-like accents. Only more the better than mine.

Plot? Are you kidding the Kimmo?

Amidst the wilds of the 10th Scottish Century the growing small and skilled archer Merida (Kelly Macdonald) to, daughter of King Fergus (Billy Connolly) and Queen Elinor (Emma Thompson).

While the rebellious girl was marked with the red hair, frolicking in the first place by their father – who lost the fight with a bear leg (a bear leg! Hollywood, hear this!) – is planning her mother Elinor, with her very different things.

To Merida finally tame it is one of the sons of the leading clan lords are married and so asks the Lord MacGuffin (Kevin McKidd), Lord Dingwall (Robbie Coltrane) and Lord Macintosh (Craig Ferguson) and her sons into the castle in order to offer them at an archery competition the winner was the hand of her daughter.

Of course, Merida very different things in my head and said this team wins competition not only themselves, but evokes an old witch with a sinister curse…

What the fuck?!? Wow.

Genius.

No more spoilers.

This movie is a bomb. (Editors note: In Kimmo’s world, this means great).

My man-crush on the computer generated Merida makes me not of this world wanting to be.

Send me to Pixar land.

Let me frolic with the hot red-head pixels.

She is now my life.

Maybe with enough of the sweet, sweet smoke I can someday be there.

For now, Kossu.

For now, I want.

And now, two thumbs striding skyward.

There is not enough in my heart love for this.

It is the greatness.

See it twice. Then take your kids.

Then buy the Blu-ray when available for red-head self-love.

Tell no one I said that. Just between you (my readers) and my bong (my best friend).

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. The Glee Project is back! That blind kid has all asshole about him. Dick. Same with boob-bouncing fat chick. Ho. All are unlikeable. Ryan Murphy, I think, may be a gay guy. I can’t take my eyes off of the thing. Smoke, cheetos, Glee Project = Heaven. Watch it, and then comment.

June 1, 2012June 1, 2012

Snow White and the Huntsman [REVIEW]

Snow White and the Huntsman

With Wit, Reviewed by Kimmo Mustonenen

Strange things are strange.

The expected is not reality.

The world is inside out.

Kristen Stewart can act.

I am not drunk.

I am not high.

Kristen Stewart is not only the non-suck, but damn fantastic!

The largeness of my eyeballs was for the surprise of the seeing what could not be the truth.

I saw the “Twilight” turds.

My brain is the dumber for with the seeing of them.

Now this.

Can nothing be counted on?

Plot? Eh.

“Snow White and the Huntsman” is a quite remarkable result of his ham. What can be silly or melodramatic dialogues spoil everything in the fantasy genre.

Not the case here, I say.

At least the original version here applies mostly to the right, concise tone.

How many times have you seen that the effects are working against history and starting to block everything?

Maybe I am (a little) drunk.

But as brilliant as the dwarf throng of normal height, shrunken actors is tricky, as little is the film with it.

And how often fantasy movies take on the love story to the girls something to offer – here is waived boldly on the topic of love, and in general to any psychology that goes beyond simple motivations.

But this movies motivations? Not silly.

It is Snow White and a frickin Huntsman! This is not “Citizen Kane.”

Or even the subject of my current cinematic hard-on, “Prometheus.”

And Thor was in it. Cool.

Charlize Theron? Hot. And icy.

Like a sore muscle balm, but one that is ready for the sex. No Icy-Hot on my Johnson!

Dwarves? Seven!

Had I smoked the sweet smoke I would have freaked the fuck out.

The dwarf from “Deadwood” was my the favorite. The “Roger Rabbit” dwarf was cool, too.

Back to Kristen Stewart.

What the hell?

WHAT THE HELL?

I would like to write my reviews in advance. She has put the fool on my brain.

My pre-write: “As wooden as the Pinocchio, with fish charisma, Stewart brought sleep to my face in minutes. The sound of major suckage was her acting – suck, suck, suck went Kristen Stewart.”

I cannot now use this. I must now stay awake for entire movie times.

God dammit!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Next week I review, finally, “Prometheus.” It had better be the good – or even better. The review has been for months written. Best movie ever. I am now scared. With this new knowledge, I will have to see every movie that is by me reviewed. Shit.

P.P.S. The title of “America’s Got Talent” is a lie. Title more better would be “America Is Full Of Weird People That Want On The T.V. More Than They Have Any Sense Of Shame.” Summer television. Son of a bitch.

May 25, 2012

Men In Black 3 [REVIEW]

Men In Black 3

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Men In Black.

They took my great-grandparents’ out to a field.

Then in the head brain shot.

Dead.

Not funny.

Fucking Nazis.

Then movie times.

“Men In Black” sprays on Finland.

Funny?

Hells to the yeah!

Aliens!

Crashes!

Fresh Prince!

“Men In Black 2”? Nice. Not necessary.

Saw it three times while feeling up the boob of Anita Krakhousenen (her boobs were for to make the manhood mine – and then some! Until this day I will remember… more than a handful).

To say that “Men in Black 3″ is the best installment in the trilogy, there is only that we are moving briskly.

Plot? Maybe.

It all starts in a maximum security prison located on the Moon.

Boris Boglodite, fearsome creature played by Jermaine Clement, managed to escape and return to Earth with the goal of death of Constable K (Tommy Lee Jones), which put him in the nuts (THE NUTS!) in the late 60s, and the enslavement of our planet.

To achieve his goals, he uses a machine to explore time and changes the course of history.

Faced with the catastrophic consequences of acts of Boris, Agent J (Will Smith) has only one solution – to turn the plunge and find themselves pushed in 1969 to try to put things in order.

If Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones have with an infection joy their respective archetypes (the cool talkative and taciturn cranky), a third actor they blithely steals the show through an irresistible performance.

This is Josh Brolin, who was the George Bush and Oliver Stone plays here an Agent K the younger. Via a hilarious imitation of Tommy Lee Jones, a game of mimicry and an amazing little help cosmetic, the illusion is perfect.

So, in your face!

Now my stoner brain is in crisis.

Josh Brolin in this movie? Or greatest actor Tommy Lee Jones making me think that Josh Brolin is the Tommy Lee Jones?

Son of a bitch.

This movie is hard.

Who is who?

What the hell?

The good rises so high that right here there is only a high five given. To myself.

You are left to hang.

Favorite for me is the alien freak show. From their time of the 60s (and some 70s) we find a passion for laughing at the past.

Now is so cool. The past is for crap.

We have neck beards now and are the hip!

Everything before 2005 is a joke for on the farting!

I’m so fucking cool. I’m wearing a fedora!

Sorry. The Lemon Stank Weed throws me on a tangent.

“Men In Black 3” was cool.

Why do I let Hollywood rile me so?

I still wait for “Prometheus.”

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. HAAAAA!!!! American Idol!!!! I called it 10 weeks ago!!!!! WGWG#5!!!!!! Vidar, you can suck it!!!!! Phillip Phillips is the motherfucking man!!! If Dave Mathews dies…

May 18, 2012May 18, 2012

Battleship [REVIEW]

Battleship

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Once again, the youth is easy picking for the child predators.

Our youth be the memories.

The predator?

Hollywood.

Again.

B4 – Hit! But in an inappropriate way on my child thoughts.

J1 – Miss! But not for your lacking at the trying.

J10 – Oh, you sunk my Battleship memories of fun and now is just CGI shit-fest! (I slap my forehead and into the lake backwards off the dock I reel, “You sunk my childhood!”).

My excitement rises like a boil in my armpit.

What’s next? “Bingo – The Movie?”

So, it seems that sailors are the cool.

So cool that they must fight a Transformer-like army from a wet dream on the Michael Bay sheets.

Mom, his sheets need changing.

His camera moves even in the night. It never stops.

Would that he would go blind. Michael Bay.

And he had nothing to do with this – except inspire it – with his camera frantic wet penis dreams.

I hate him.

HATE HIM.

So, like a turd in a punchbowl, “Battleship” floats.

Like the turd, we wish for its existence to end.

Like the turd, its existence is demanded.

It’s in our damn punchbowl.

Fuck.

Plot? Really?

Are you kidding my brain?

Battleships. Other ships. Crazy alien shit.

Kaboom!!!!

Destroyers. Cruise missiles. Actors.

Kablooie!!!. Waves. More actors.

Fizzle.

I need a drink.

Burp.

Good things, though? Hells yeah!.

Rhianna (character irrelevant) in shrink-to-fit with a blow-dryer body suit carrying a gun as big as a redneck making up for his short penis… Hells yeah!

She is #1 in my Masturbation Memory Bank – with a bullet (take a seat Christina Aguilera).

Brooklyn Decker’s cleavage?

If heaven was of boobs, I’m in heaven.

Liam Neeson (character irrelevant, but higher rank – not in my MMB, but in Navy) growls like a bear.

Poor Liam. Wife dead from ski head rock, but will take any movie like a new generation Michael Caine.

I understand. Take the money.

But, son of a bitch buddy, not this!

You sunk my “give a shit!”

Could I write more? If, by the word paid, then yes.

But this is the summer movie shit-storm beginning. I will see the same thing. I will write the same thing. Greed will overtake my mind more than the Rhianna-lust.

Shit movie is shit movie.

This reviewer is drooling on the coming of “Prometheus.”

Wrong? I could be.

But the belief that summer BANG movies can be smarter than me? I hope. I believe.

As for “Battleship?” I am sad with the thought that for some retards, this turd will float.

No. Please.

And “no” again.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “American Idol.” Make me proud. White Guy With Guitar #5 FTW!!!!!! And then disappear quickly. That is the pattern.

May 11, 2012May 11, 2012

Dark Shadows [REVIEW]

Dark Shadows

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Readers, forgive me.

Last week, The Avengers.

Oops.

I was again the drunk and did not review that awesome piece of shit.

How so?

My FinnBro (Pekka) and I did the drink on Nashville!

So many the pukes out of my mouth.

Then Pekka puked on the ice.

Partied like a star, then the falling and the hospital.

My fault Phoenix is in the Western Conference Finals.

Never to drink again. Until tomorrow!

Pekka, I take the bad!

Damn!

Damn, again!

Thanks, Hollywood.

When, as a child, I would exist – the loving of Barnabas Collins every afternoon.

Then, for we of the werewolf love, had Quentin. I wanted to grow up to a werewolf.

Cool.

Show was AWESOME!

Now, WTF?!?

I don’t hate “Dark Shadows.” There is some love.

Michelle Pfeiffer… HOT!

Eva Green… HOT.

Chloe Mortetz… HOT, but not legal for 5 more years.

Then a movie. I don’t care.

Once again, seventies are funny. Come on!

Burton, I crap in your eye.

This is the best funny movie Tim Burton has done since “Big Fish.”

But again, what the fjord?.

Old jokes are old. New jokes are old.

I want to like, but with a lack of laughing, what the hell?

Time for the Burton – Depp break-up.

Though, the happening of this is never.

Man, the Kossu is running out.

Therefore, I have nothing left to say.

“Dark Shadow” will be on my big screen in August. My pipe is full of the sweet weed.

Now is the time for us who love cinema to rage!

Do not throw poop at us like a monkey!

We are human.

We want to see the cinema that is good!

Come on!

Come on.

I am now escorted to a place where I can relax. One day, movies will be fun again.

No, probably never. Damn.

For now, I leave you with this: Go and see “Dark Shadows”.

Why not? Get drunk. Smoke some green. Time goes by.

Who gives a shit?

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Summer again. Now time for summer brain cancer. Fuck.

April 27, 2012

The Five-Year Engagement [REVIEW]

The Five-Year Engagement

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

First, cliché joke (I will not be the single sayer of this) – “The Five-Year Engagement” is also what seems to be the running time of the film.

It goes on.

And on.

And then on some more.

The butt hurts.

The movie doesn’t care.

The movie laughs at my discomfort.

But I don’t laugh at the movie.

Which is a comedy. Or an Apatow-medy.

So there are jokes on the dick.

The word “fuck” is used more than in “Glengarry Glen Ross.”

That is a lot of fucks.

But when people get to the fucking, all the women-types leave their tops on. Not a boob to make me smile.

America is weird.

Plot? Sure!

The film tells the story of the couple Violet Barnes (Emily Blunt – like the blunt that was for the smoking before the film) and Tom Solomon (Jason Segel – he gets naked and is covered in moles – creepy), whose relationship becomes strained when they realize they have much longer engagement (like 5 years, duh).

For lack of time, the two delay marriage for next year and, moreover, Violet enrolls at the University of Michigan for the studying.

Then is promoted at work by her boss (asshole, with sick karate skillz), and this entails the need to move to another city.

I think.

Or the same one, but for more bad times.

When formalizing the relationship seems to move a background in the lives of two lovers, paradoxically, parents are beginning to put pressure on them to hasten the wedding.

In addition, some older relatives die and not get to see even more young people to the altar.

And die, and die, and die.

These deaths were funny.

More deaths would have been better.

Troubled situation, Violet and Tom must decide quickly what they want from life and to manage better time because, otherwise, things seem to spiral out of control.

No more spoilers.

Funny things happen. Stifler from “American Reunion” is cloned into another person named Alex (Chris Pratt) for this.

Cinema wants more of the Stiflers. An entire mouth-word exchange is done as Cookie Monster and Elmo.

Emily Blunt is too much damn cuteness. Things happen that are too easy.

And a taco truck. If only there was a taco truck outside of the screening place.

Man, munchies can give one the drool face…

So, two thumbs taking a nap on the sideways.

All movie inhabitants were the likable people, but the thing made two hours many more hours of feeling. In my butt. Until my butt went to sweet, sweet sleep. Only to wake up at the credits – angry and painful.

Wait for DVD when it is Netflixing time. The unrated cut will last four and a half hours – but seem like six.. Sweet Jesus!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “The Voice” is fun! Blake Shelton is drunk! Christina lost weight! Cee Lo is borderline homosexual! Adam Levine is a douch-nozzle! No more “American Idol” for me!

April 20, 2012

The Lucky One [REVIEW]

The Lucky One

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I am lucky.

I am cursed.

My job is to have the most wonderful at a time thing to do than anything.

Pay me? Don’t have to (just kidding, Kyrle – I love money!)!

Lucky.

Then I am assigned for the watching of “The Lucky One.”

What?

Really?

The vomiting I promised last week was happening. In the now!

What an insult!

Cursed.

You may in your thoughts think me a little person. Or another, that I am smart.

I am the average. My only study was for the film.

And so I write on the film. My job.

But I am sick at heart.

Does anybody care?!?

Hollywood has not smart thinking. Hit movies are made from luck. Crap movies can be good (to me, or you).

But “The Lucky One?” Are you high?

Who will see this shit-fest?

I am really high.

So instead of talking about “The Lucky One” I want to talk over the 4/20 day!

That’s right!

I really am high. And I’m so ready for the happening 20^th!

In my new Finland (California), the dispensaries are having sales!

I can got from place to place and get the weed that made Californiaa cool place. Like bar hopping, but if the taps leaked only sticky bud.

Heaven.

So all, tomorrow is for the bonging. Do not forget that.

So, “The Lucky One” I return – like a dog to his own vomit.

Plot? I guess.

A Marine travels to North Carolina after serving three tours in Iraq and searches for the unknown woman he believes was his good luck charm during the war.

Thanks, IMDB!

Kyrle, this may be the end on me.

There was a Disney movie that was for Chimpanzees!

And I have to see this crappening?!? Damn.

But know the this 4/20 Day will be my best first while in the SoCal!

And maybe the week next? I’ll see a film that give me a happy smile and want my death to wait.

“The Lucky One” fans? Kiss my brown eye.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

April 13, 2012

The Cabin In The Woods [REVIEW]

The Cabin In The Woods

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

“Previews.”

“Trailers” (as in the industry the name is whispered).

“Coming Attractions” to the elderly who are always cold and cry at the loudness of noise (and smell like liver sausage, if lucky).

No matter the calling of the things, they are evil.

Ruining movies is the job of them.

Show every damn good thing to see in 2 minutes 30 seconds.

Just like “The Cabin In The Woods”, right?

No!

The opposite of right!

A horror movie that was totally whack (get it?)! People over 30 – that means it was good, in Finland.

Plot?

Who cares!

In the woods go the nubile teenagers.

Creepy local dude.

Pot (not mine – kossu shots only this night, right Kyrle?). Oh, with guys at Mission Control…MISSION CONTROL?!?!?!? WTF?!?!?!?

Then nudity.

Crazy crap happens.

Death of people.

Boobs.

Funny jokes.

More pot.

Cellar that should below Rob Zombie’s house live.

And real zombies. This is the shit. Truly.

How can I blather without spoilers? Cannot happen.

So this. This acting rules the world of acting.

Any film of horror with Richard Jenkins (he was awesome in “Let Vampires In Your House”) must be eye balled.

Teamed him with Bradley Whitford? Best horror ever.

The boobs of Anna Hutchison? If there was Boob Acting award she just won two (or does the pair count as one? My mind reels.). Especially with her tonguing of the ex-wolf.

Lucky ex-wolf.

Thor (Chris Hemsworth) should be allowed to live (until stinking pile “The Avengers” is released – then the fatwa is back in force).

Then arrives the Kimmo alter-ego, played by Fran Kranz. He smokes the pot almost with as much puffing as me. Clouds were created. Warping of minds – and a bong that made me smile.

My respect is his. And my jealousy.

Finally, there is the hot, hot, hot Kristen Connolly (if by hot in English means “looks weird but I still got a boner”). She would be worthy of a date by a warrior-blood filled man… me.

I would ask, “Do you have any Finn in you?” “No” she says. Then I would say, “Would you like some?”

I laugh at my joke! Works every time (except for the times of failure).

Side note: Japanese couple who must buy entire snack bar to watch a movie – divide the fucking food up before you enter the theater. Then your gaping mouth holes don’t have to flap and flap and flap, pissing off all the people in the ten foot hearing area of your grating voices. If the Norse Gods would have had a say you would now be below Midgard and being in Hel tortured. Kind of like the movie you could not stay silent in and watch (jerk-offs!). I hate you (not all Japanese, just in theater talking Japanese assholes).

I feel better.

So… two thumbs sticking up as hard as my little Kimmo seeing the young doomed boobs.

M. Night Shamalyanyaynan (whatever) needs to see “The Cabin In The Woods” to know how to blow minds. The trailer tried to screw my fun place but there was more to be seen.

Ha, Hollywood! You have been defeated!

Until I have to sit though “The Lucky One” – my vomiting will be your victory.

Damn.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. I am in great love with “Game of Thrones.” Manly love. Question – if you could be as smart as The Imp and drink wine like a wine drinking fish and get to sex up large boob-ed prostitute women (without the falling off of your dick), would you still be okay with life as a dwarf? Kimmo would! Please answer in comments below!

April 6, 2012April 6, 2012

American Reunion [REVIEW]

American Reunion

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Kimmo was in trouble.

Big trouble.

Last week I had super cool “Wrath of the Titans” review that I made.

Then the dumbness strikes.

I e-mail copy of review to my Uncle Tukka who is in living outside of the Helsinki – not to Kyrle, who is the editor that manages these things.

I have screwed Straight Up (like Paula Abdul!). Kyrle has made a rule that is new: Kossu shots OR bong loads, not Kossu shots AND bong loads.

This is fair, in my heart and in my head thoughts. I know that booze is good. So is the sweet, sweet smoke.

Together? I begin to be a Greeter Man at WalMart.

Sorry to my 15 loyal readers. I feel shame.

Now – for a movie!

And what a goddamn good time for a movie to have! I was very worrisome.

Every time Hollywood touches my past it is “the wrong touch.”

But “American Reunion?” I am sporting a Stifler!

Really. I am not kidding.

Plot? Sure!

All of our “American Pie” friends come back – 13 year reunions are important in America.

So, like locusts on Egypt they return. Jim (Jason Biggs) and Michelle (Alyson Hannigan) are married with kid attached. Oz (Chris Klein) works at crap ESPN channel. Finch (Eddie Kaye Thomas) is worldly in many ways. Kevin (Thomas Ian Nicholas) is whipped by Gossip Girls. Stifler (Seann William Scott) is… you will see as moments come by.

All are older, some are bigger in the wise area, some are better now as people than as high school students.

We see a penis.

Craps are taken in places where craps have never been before (so I hope).

Chicks that were once to be sat on as babies are now so hot for drooling.

Lies are lied.

Love is kindled (from the past) then rekindled – like fire!

Life is tested… some pass, others think they are taking another test (true story – remember old joke about Norwegian who stayed up all night studying for his urine test? NEVER GETS OLD!!!).

Many happy faces from the past float on the screen. We (I) smile.

I missed my “American Franchise” friends.

But sometimes, expectations are face rubbed in gravel.

The surprise that surprised me was too surprising. This is a movie about a Stifler.

I will now, out of my mouth (computer mouth) say – “Seann William Scott is the most funny comic actor of the last 20 years.” His eyeballs tell stories.

He makes sounds that my heart go a kind of “chugga-chugga”, in that straight “chugga-chugga” way. He is the man (boy) that my aspirations were looking at when I was the young.

Now he is complete. I feel, now, to be complete, too.

Jim’s father (Eugene Levy) deserves some kind of outing. He, now widowed, is still the father we wanted (without the Pie fucking advice – that was a metaphor anyhow – Jim was kind of a dumbness).

Stifler’s Mom (Jennifer Coolidge) has many more lines (on face and on script).

She must still be done. And done again.

Vicky (Tara Reid) is now a zombie – but hotter than any zombie on “The Walking Dead”. It was good to see her. But not for too long.

And Heather (Mena Suvari) has learned to cover her forehead (or 8-head, if we’re going by the thing’s size) with bangs. She is now to be whacked to – in a pinch.

So, two thumbs straining to heaven – which is warm pie!

I am in love with “American Reunion.” Laughs were barked out of my mouth and Dr. Pepper flew through my nose and on the critic to my front place (sorry, Peter Travers).

But never in the life that I live would I thought that I would be in Stifler love.

And I am. Like an American!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “American Idol” is the suck. I will now only watch “The Voice”. Or anything. Please comment on things that I may watch without Kosso AND bong loads. In advance – thank you!!!

March 23, 2012March 23, 2012

The Hunger Games [REVIEW]

The Hunger Games

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I have waited for this longer than time may seem to you.

Or even longer.

So when the cinema doors opened I was fully ready for an eyeball party!

Yes, “The Hunger Games” is finally open.

Smoke was smoked.

Popcorn was popped.

Kossu was in the fun pocket for in the theater for drinking.

Yes!

Then my confusion – is this about Finland? Dirt. Trees. Poor people. District 12 is Finland!

Then my panic pulls out (too much weed) and I realize that I’m in the right film theater.

First things right now: Jennifer Lawrence is hot. So hot that I have a Winter’s Bone in the springtime.

Movie critic humor (for the win)!

So, what did we see? Plot is now!

The story of “The Hunger Games” is set in an indeterminate future. North America is destroyed. From the ashes rose the country Panem, which consisted of the Capital and original 13 districts.

After an uprising a district was destroyed. In order to remember the debt of the districts, Capitol held once a year the so-called Hunger Games, in which 24 young people compete in a battle to the death against each other – in each district a girl and a boy.

In the 74^th Hunger Games something unexpected happens: This part is that her younger sister Prim (Willow Shields) to the Hunger Games must be reported, the 16-year-old Katniss Everdeen (Jennifer Lawrence) volunteers as a tribute.

This is the greatest movie that has ever been told.

The cool, cool book was cool – but the cinema book is even more cooler. Because it is not read, but seen with my (your) own eyes!

Reading is the suck. Except for my reviews.

First (since she is the lead and smoking hot) Jennifer Lawrence is to win every award of acting. Only her “overly large for a starving girl” boobs were a distraction.

Sometimes it is good to be distracted.

Woody Harrelson as the drunken Haymitch reminds me of me when the Kossu flows and I become the state of drunk.

As the badass leader, Donald Sutherland is old and must like mothballs and kidney medication smell – because he is old. The boys gave me jealousy for their nearness to Katniss.

Gale (Liam Hemsworth – why is a 30 year old up for the 12-18 year old Reaping? He is older than Haymitch. Weird.) and Peeta (Josh Hutcherson) both have inner stiffies for Katniss, but only Peeta gets too close for my comfort. And yours. She is mine.

Other actors were also good to acting: Elizabeth Banks, Lenny Kravitz, Stanley Tucci, Wes Bentley (excellent face beard!), all greatness.

The directing Director – Gary Ross – was also the shit.

Battle scenes were with less blood flowing than the book, but more real blood than that “Twilight” crap that was smeared on my brain last year.

Hoping for the R rated directors cut on Blu-ray with many limbs cut to pieces.

Now, just wait on Hollywood with no originality or even an idea. Remake of “The Hunger.” Another movie of “Aqua Teen Hunger Force.” Movie from board game “Hungry Hungry Hippos.”

For now, just go see “The Hunger Games.”

Have I mentioned that Jennifer Lawrence is hot? She is fully formed (and not 16 – at least in this world)!

Any bad?

Only if you are so stuck up that reading is cool and you remember the book. SPOILERS! Mutations looked like “Twilight” wolves for retards (redundant). Where were the tongue-less freak Avox people (movie foul!)? Foxface needed lines (hot for fox (redundant), yet not Jennifer).

That’s it. Not bad.

Verdict?

Two thumbs up… no joke here. Although District 12 brings Finland into my head, I still have the love on.

May the odds be ever in your favor – except for “Twilight”… that shit can die in a fire.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “The Voice” may be the thing for T.V. to watch. Erin Martin? Advancing in singing competition with looks? I loveAmerica!!!

March 16, 2012March 19, 2012

21 Jump Street [REVIEW]

21 Jump Street

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

First, a truth.

In a second week – I was having the déjà vu, right in my face.

Something else from my happy child times is under attack.

From Hollywood.

The greatest showing in television that wasn’t “Baywatch” (which is the best if only for the great mammary swings in a slower motion – hot stuff!).

And even I, when high or even not, was not much for the original of “21 Jump Street.” Richard Grieco freaked me out – his skin was unnatural and unholy.

But still – why do the Hollywood persons have to bend over everything that was from our pasts and violate the brown eye?

Sometimes the past memory needs its hole revisited.

This past memory is this movie.

If you were to judge the success of a movie-play simply by how much or how little you made me laugh, “21 Jump Street“ would be one of the best I’ve seen in a while.

The effectiveness of the film is amazing, especially based on the same television series of the 80’s whose greatest legacy to cinema it was Johnny Depp (what in bloody hell have you done to Barnabas Collins, Johnny? – I will hurt you when I see you next).

The directors of “Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs”, Phil Lord and Chris Miller, transfer the same energy and humor that characterized that great this new animated comedy, thankfully, is rated “R”, for full of delicious dirtiness.

The dick jokes were particularly welcome from the mouths of the leads.

Among the best sequences are a feature film that revolves around a trip of hallucinogen (I sure love drugs!) and one in which our “heroes” are involved in a chase on the highway.

Absurd first in nature and the second with his parody of the clichés of the genre of action, show that neither the directors nor the screenwriter Michael Bacall are taken very seriously, which invites the audience to laugh at and with the film.

And then the invitation is make to fire up the bong.

Then the movie is near perfect and good – simultaneously.

Thank you, weed.

Plot? Come on, a plot is needed?!?

O.K. it exists.

Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum star as Schmidt and Jenko, two incompetent cops are reassigned to an old unit not activated from the 80’s that infiltrates as students in a college to stop the transfer of a deadly narcotic.

Ice Cube scowls as the new superior, Captain Dickson, and then he scowls again. And scowls one more time.

I wanted to smoke him out and bring on the smiling. Next time, Mr. Cube.

Things happen. Roles from High School (heh, high school) are reversed.

A big dick in olden days is no longer respected. Fat kids who were openly slapped for smelling like bacon are now the cool.

Up is down.

Sideways is straight.

And comedy is had by all.

Note to self – when stoned at funny movie DO NOT hold ice cream bon bons in the lap – without knowledge you can freeze your nuttles.

Pain!

So, two thumbs higher than I was when seeing this screening!

Funny, clever and no Richard Grieco leather face to give me nightmares.

Better than the stupid show it was “based” on (really only the title is shared correctly).

And my testicles have thawed sufficiently so that the panic is gone from my voice.

Success!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo on Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

Next week – “The Hunger Games.” My Katniss inspired wood is filling with sap.

P.S. To the “sports expert” who helped me with my first NCAA March Insanity pool… you are an asshole. Thank you for saying “Kimmo, take Montana all the way.” No money for me now. I hope your eyeballs fall out and are eaten by your cat. This I mean! Dick.

March 9, 2012March 20, 2012

John Carter [REVIEW]

John Carter

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

This week starts with a happiness explosion from my head mind (but not in the pants, dirty people).

“Kimmo, you are the man with a bag of lucky!” say I, Kimmo, to the self inside.

You see, I am to review my first love.

Not a human person. But a reading experience of youth.

Yes, the books series that made many endless Finnish nights come to an end.

An end that of happiness. That in Finland we call “morning.”

From “A Princess of Mars” through the crappy yet wonderful “John Carter of Mars: Skeleton Men of Jupiter” all asses were kicked.

Green and caucasian. Those from Helium to far off Ptarth

Then my first meat whacking to thoughts of Dejah Thoris (so hot in my mind! Best whack ever!).

How could Mr. Hollywood put the screw in the butt of “John Carter?”

Apparently with the ease of an experienced person who screws the butt of most great books for reading.

Disappointment is a pain that crawls in my stomach like a worm.

Or, here, like green four-armed Tars Tarkas (read the damn books!).

Crappy 3-D? Check!

CGI that is less than real than fake! Check!

$250 million spent on the crapping? Check!

Plot? Too much.

John Carter to Barsoom is somehow to there from here (Barsoom is Mars to Martians and others that have been to visit… Mars).

John falls in with Tharns who are green, four-armed, and totally whack.

I didn’t know that the William Dafoe had four arms – he is a good actor.

Carter (the hero) is played as a piece of white bread (Taylor Kitsch) with muscles.

And the whack queen of my first teens, Dejah Thoris, is the un-whack worth Lynn Collins.

Hollywood, you had almost 100 years to make a piece that is of a master and this is the warm pile that comes out?

What happened Mr. Director (Andrew Stanton)? With “Wall-E” I cried at mechanical homeless person who was lost among obese Americans lost in space.

Now even green, multi-limbed, bad-ass Tharns are like mouth pudding flavor free.

The loss of the hours wasn’t so much a hurt – watching my childhood friends of imagining being ass-raped (see “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo”) was a pain that I will remember as long as I can – you see, even with the smoking of many loads of the wonderful Super O.G. Kush I could not find the liking… only the hating.

And the stomach-crawling disappoint.

So I have no more to say.

One thumb droops in mourning – the death of my childhood fantasies and hopes are now the truth of the screen.

The other thumb is to be right in the Mr. Disney butt – so now Mr. Disney, you know how “John Carter” feels.

I am sad.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “American Idol” – cannot next year (if there is one to be) have just one woman (who doesn’t make the eyes pain) over the age of 18? The “Season of Fugly” will no longer be watched. I watch “The Voice” now, waiting for Christina Aguilara’s imminent boob explosion. I quiver with the waiting.

March 2, 2012

Project X [REVIEW]

Project X

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Thanks to Odin. Much thanks.

Why?

Tuesday, with the fact that Tuesday must happen, happens.

Tuesday?

Reviewing assignments for Friday.

My mind is sweating mind thoughts: “Please Odin, if I am to review that damn “Lorax” movie, drop me first with a face stretching stroke. Explode my eyeballs. Make me never to see the whoring out of a great man by his money grubbing widow (because I already am still in the stink of “Cat In The Hat”. Mike Meyers, you make Canada sad with this.).

Then the God of Cargo came through – assignment “Project X.”

The “YES” I screamed was like that of Ron Jeremy in the day of hay.

“Project X.”

Teenagers in heat.

Crazy crap of the happening.

The party is bigger than big – or than the big it should have been (“Risky Business”, but funny).

First, I, Kimmo place a major hit in the bong. I say you, the viewer, must do the same.

Then another.

Then one more.

“Project X” is now the adolescent party gone out of bounds “Citizen Kane.” Without stupid sleds. Or story.

Movies with plot are over the rated. Serious.

Plot? Really?

You are to the reading of a critic think write of “Project X” and you are really thinking the plot is a thing of mattering? Plot is replaced by:

1) Boobs

2) Butt

3) Tight female bellies (which must be under the age – High School, right? HOT!!!)

4) Booze

5) Midgets

6) Boobs

7) Drugs (not just me)

8) Car in pool

9) Fat kids to fun out on

10) Boobs

11) Hand held camera!

Is this “Cloverfield”? Better.

“The Blair Witch Project” (more boobs than the witch here)? Better.

“Paranormal Activity 1-15”? Better.

The “why” is answered by boobs. And crazy teen hi-jinks. Virgins deflowered. Window broken. Then another broken. And hymens (see the deflowering before, but also with the broken part. YES!).

Do you feel that I am in love with this film? I am.

It pretends to be nothing more than it is. Party out of bounds (thanks, B-52’s). I laughed. I coughed (after another pull on the dugout I recently purchased off of internet sales).

Conclusion: If when the seeing of the trailer for this film makes you say “Hells yeah, if I miss this, my life is lesser than that it was” you will love it.

If when you see the trailer you feel the stick crawl up your butt telling you that “fun is only for the young?” Stay home and watch “Matlock.”

This is no “Shark Night 3-D.”

And, thanks to Odin, this isn’t the crap licking “Lorax.” I can thank more than one God for that.

So, one thumb asleep. The other thumb erect, because that thumb likes on the boobs. Who doesn’t?

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Glee?” WTF?!? Ryan Murphy, although before I never let the suspect for my boner on Dianna Agron, you have gone too much far. Our feud is to for the public. I call you out. Why is my mind your mess? There will be blood.