Kyrle Lendhoffer – Page 5 – Behind the Proscenium

February 24, 2012

Wanderlust [REVIEW]

Wanderlust

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Sad writing times still sad.

To you, one less ferret.

To me, one less heart string by rodent warmed (Ed. Note – see last week. Sad.).

Movies? Films? Cinema?

Do now I even care?

Well. Yes.

I am a professional.

Roger Ebert never had the losing of constructive three weeks ruined. He is just jawless. Which is BADASS!!!

I am high.

“Wanderlust.”

WTF?

Good for the hoping?!? “Hells yes!”, in my mind I thought.

Why not? David Wain? Pretty funny for sure.

Some Appatow producing? Why THE HELL not?!?

The world needs more penis jokes.

Full disclosure: I am almost the gay for Paul Rudd as for the “Puss In Boots.” Malin Akerman makes my man parts yearn to the moon (and beyond). Ken Marino? Funny, bitches!

Movie? Film? Cinema?

Meh.

Plot? Not really, but try I must (Do, Kimmo, do! I hear you, Yoda!).

Linda (Jennifer Aniston) and George (Paul Rudd) have losing of work and only hitting hard the road can anything worthy of thought matter.

Then (being caught of the disease “movie dumb”), into Georgia they wander really.

Not good Georgia (former Soviets, science, industry) – but retard Georgia (peanuts, Creationism, crackers). Yet by not making Georgia they find communal living.

And Malin Akerman. More to come.

Jokes? Yes! And bad. Pubic hair.

Saying “dick” (funny when high, so funny at this time to me). Stereotypes that were original in the period of Never.

Oh! And closing credit out-takes!

Odin, this is the bestest! Never done in my life before my eye holes!

This movie is defeating me. Ennui hurts more than any other tired.

Now we leave the review for momentarily…

Why in February?

Is Universal much about the write off loss (so many questions – damn Kossu shots!). I have never tasted the accounting and still for the numbers I strain.

Are the Universal hoping for cinema death, to write off against anything that bathes in money?

Oh, to bath in money.

The entire movie taste is placed on the liking of the leads.

In your mind Rudd sucks? Then this sucks.

In your mind Aniston sucks? Same.

In your mind Akerman sucks? I will kill you. In your goddamn face. And don’t even touch her. Your death would be epic (for me) and of agony (for you). With fucking fire. Bitch.

So… really. See this crap if you are for the $15 to pump back into Uncle Sam. One thumb sideways. Malin Akerman is a goddess.

Else? Whatever. Do what you have to do. I cannot stop you.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. As “Fringe” comes to an end I want to J.J. Abrams say “nice job”. We will never again mention “Lost”. You asshole.

P.P.S. Fluffy. I said it. Crying begins once more. Damn.

February 17, 2012

Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Kimmo Mustonenen, Behind The Proscenium, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo On Kino, Jill Kennedy, OnMedea, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor, Scott M. Gimple, Seth Hoffman, David S. Goyer, Nicolas Cage, Violante Placido, Ciaran Hinds, Idris Elba, Johnny Whitworth, Fergus Riordan, Spencer Wilding, Sorin Tofan, Jacek Koman, Anthony Head, Christian Iacob, Christopher Lambert, Jai Stefan, Vincent Regan, Ionut Cristian Lefter, Will Ashcroft, Sabina Branduse, Tobias Ojerfalk, Adina Galupa, Alin Panc, Ashok Amritraj, Ari Arad, Avi Arad, Stefan Brunner, Michael De Luca, Gary Foster, Manu Gargi, Mark Steven Johnson, Steven Paul, E. Bennett Walsh, David Sardy, Brandon Trost, Brian Berdan, Colin Jones, Gail Stevens, Kevin Phipps, Adrian Curelea, Serban Porupca, Justin Warburton-Brown, Dominic Capon, Bojana Nikitovic, Lisa Buscher, Daniela Busoiu, Adelina Popa, Adrian Conerth, Bogdan Moncea, Simona Dinu, Sean Guest, Mircea Hategan, james Andrew Haven, Deb Adair, Jamy Kim, Peter Jurca, Drew King, Jarrett Lee, Steve Mele, Pat Sarrel, Lee Adamson, Rick English, Daniel Visan, Nick Baxter, Clint Bennett, Kier Lehman, Patrick Aiello, Vasile Anghel, Razvan Badea, Andra Barbuica, Susan Bliss, Alexandru Bogdan, Madalina Bugeanu, Ana Ramona Damiean, Alina David, Ecaterina Dinu, Mike Doughtery, Monica Duta, Marius Florescu, Miruna Gheorghiu, Melis Gobekcioglu, Toygar Ilik, Kahraman Kavas, Fiona Landreth, Melanie Lawrence, Scott Levine, Peter Moses, Neda Pavlovic, Paul Pawlowski, Irina Raducanu, Irina Scurt, Daniela Soare, Eve Swannell, Sarah Zyke, Monica Urziceanu

Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Many apologies for the writing lack for two weeks.

Fluffy the Wonder Ferret, greatest animal in history, crossed the Rainbow Bridgeand now feasts on ferret food with Jesus – and other ferrets who also have caught the death.

I took time away from the critic things.

I cried, baby style. Then I cried again.

Why?

Because on the returning to work I found I get to review “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance.”

Who is the Ghost Rider?

Did you see even the first one?

He is Marvel’s darkest hero. A hell of a biker (joke!), a sort of hybrid man-demon who fights with the forces of Lucifer as the good guy. This is with a burning skull head and no face – which is cool after many sweet, sweet bong loads.

Without the bonging, not so much.

Remember?

Or, like me, did you erase your mind of the first one? I’ll refresh you.

Once Johnny Blaze sold his soul to the devil, and won only sufferer until he managed to outwit Satan similarly and to keep the forces of the Riders for themselves to use them for good.

This confuses.

Remember?

Ends approximately in the way “Ghost Rider” to unleash the first attempt in the year 2007, the demonic biker on the big screen. Managed to cartoonish staging it but not really convincing.

Too much slapstick, romance and – if one disregards the Lucifer-esque performance by Peter Fonda – an opponent who seemed so threatening, like a teen boy-band member

Whether it should then be a sequel, especially under the contribute by Nicolas Cage, was long doubtful until the end – but were still 75 million reasons to shoot a sequel, and let heat with Cage-head inflamed again over the marble pavement (on a motorcycle. No shit!).

Plot? Here we go!

This time is somewhere in Eastern Europe, a sect of devil worshipers after a boy (Fergus Riordan) go, which brings extraordinary occult powers in itself.

To defend this guy, a secret society of warrior monks (bad-assery!) swore. The Satanists, led by its top guru (Ciaran Hinds) have taken hold of the boy. Now, only the Ghost Rider can help.

Johnny Blaze (I was blazed, let me tell you) lives in seclusion, however, and would again be a demon in any way. Moreau (Idris Elba), one of the warrior monks, succeeds him then but still convincing – after all, it’s again about beating the devil’s trick – and off you go.

Wheee!

Even if one wants to be on the first part, it had at least still something of a plot and a few original ideas.

Peter Fonda was also off a fabulously smug Lucifer, the lovely Eva Mendes (schwing!) is already a well-bred eye-catching and Sam Elliott’s (“the Dude abides”!) performances were always kind of cult.

All this gave the previous charm, something that “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance” completely lacks.

The figures, like Idris Elba, Ciaran Hinds and even Christopher Lambert in a brief guest appearance, get far too little opportunity which would be able to see to it. Right? Right.

So, this Ghost Rider gets one limp thumb – limp as Fluffy the Wonder Ferret before the rigor mortis gave him a stiff.

At least it wasn’t in 3-D (the movie – ferrets are always in 3-D). I’m off to smoke for Fluffy and for more the crying…

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “American Idol” needs more hot chicks – and less passing out during “Hollywood Week.” Or more passing out. I’m undecided. But definitely more hot chicks.

January 27, 2012January 27, 2012

Man On A Ledge [REVIEW]

Man On A Ledge

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Action and adventure in January?

What is this film “Man on a Ledge”?

Is Hollywood sucking more smoky bong openings than film reviewers (ME!)?

Oh, my mind anticipates with wet quivering smart action fun.

Also smart. But no.

July movie in January – but July/January movie has no boobs or explosions. At least not like July movie.

This confusion haunts my brain-stem and makes thinking hurt.

Plot? I think so.

Nick Cassidy (Sam Worthington) was once a successful and highly respected cop until one day he was arrested for a robbery he never committed (really? This defense works as often as “Glee” makes sense).

As a cop, he also sits years later under difficult conditions in the prison where he has to defend his fellow prisoners in the first place. Especially the soap dropping prisoners. They need defending. From rape. In the butt.

Completely desperate, he uses the first available opportunity to escape and increases with an elaborate plan on the window ledge of a New York hotel (original!), where he soon gets the attention of passers-by and the police.

The police recognize him – because they’re smart.

During his conversation with the psychologist Lydia Anderson (Elizabeth Banks) time trying to give, this is still for a second plan.

At the same time break his brother Joey (Jamie Bell) and his girlfriend Nina (Pooja Kumar) in the adjacent high-rise of the industrial David Englander (Ed Harris) to the allegedly stolen diamonds now really stealing.

While Nick is running (shuffling) out on the windowsill, the time begins not only the special police unit to be restless, but also those corrupt colleagues who were involved in the diamond robbery at the time.

Corrupt colleagues are the suck.

How far would a man go when he is accused wrongly and arrested for something he has never committed?

Well, out on a ledge – that’s for sure.

And then stand, and talk… and stand… and talk… action in other places, stand… then talk.

Then run! On a ledge!

Son of a bitch – a man is on a ledge!

The marquee did not lie on me!

There is really a MAN ON A LEDGE!

The he gets off of it.

Other shit happens, too.

“Man on a Ledge” brings to fans of this genre, unfortunately, not much new with it.

While the cast – led by Elizabeth Banks and Sam Worthington – truly deliver a solid performance and blend together perfectly, the story still runs off to familiar patterns.

Maybe it should be then “Man In A Phone Booth”. Because that has never been done.

Conclusion: Wait until the lateness of March and rent. It will please your eye orbs more on your cool HDTV and cheaper than cinema. And you can make to fire up your pipe without old people (like mothballs and urine smell) telling you against lighting up.

Chill, old people. Take a hit. Your jello will never cover your tongue with more joy after the sweet, sweet smoke.

This I know. Trust Kimmo.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Stop NOW the reading of this! Go see “The Artist”. Go see “The Descendants”. Maybe even “The Iron Giant’s Lady”.

Beware! The summer film shit storm is on the horizon… and then the suck really starts.

Please Mayans – be right!

January 24, 2012January 24, 2012

The Artist [REVIEW]

The Artist

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Confusion.

In the cinema.

Topped off with Kossu shots.

Warm.

Now for the reviewing the movie I see.

Then sick joke!

4:3 picture. Black and white. No talking.

WTF?!?

Elaborate joke on Kimmo?

Alcohol time travelling?

Heaven?

“The Artist” was not a joke on my head. A gift. From Hollywood. Or France.

Thank you, Hollywood. Or France.

I don’t care. Just “THANK YOU!”

Plot? Sure!

George Valentin (Jean Dujardin) is the big screen star of the late silent era. In 1927 a photo gets on the front pages of the Hollywood press (pre-TMZ… yes, that time was in existence – Hi, Harvey!), on the charmer kisses an unidentified woman after a performance on the red carpet (I guess red – it was gray – like everything in the past).

Peppy Miller (Bérénice Bejo) is named the starlet who wants to make her fortune in Hollywood and soon afterwards met (with Valentin) as a dancer among many on the set. Caught by her charm, the star for newcomer helps to a small role, oh yes he did.

Two years later, the demise of silent films was sealed. Valentine stubbornly refuses to accept this, and produced his next silent film itself, he has the same day as the new sound film premiere, in which Miller plays Peppy (confusion – must start reading press kit), go and miserably at the box office.

Valentine withdraws depressed, drinks (my man!) and is exhibited by his wife before and through the door. He must leave all his belongings auctioned off, and soon no one knows him (Uggie knows him – cleanly, you perverts!).

Only Peppy who has become the diva of the sound film entertains, continued feelings for him and tried to help him. But his pride gets in the way of their love.

U2 saw this. In the past. Or in this case, the future.

Enough plot. Spoilers are not in this. Yet.

Writer-director Michel Hazanavicius has dared to experiment, to swim against the stream (salmon!) and see if you still can make a silent film, which arrives at the audience.

With the elegant play of black and white film with light and shadow bathes the story in the Roaring Twenties, when the men still like tails (coats, not booty) and the women wore curly short hair and short dresses.

In 1927 George Valentine’s latest film, accompanied by a live orchestra, shown in a cinema that resembles an opera house.

Then the star interacts with its ubiquitous little dog Jack (Uggie – SAG award for the dog! Now!!!) on stage to be feted by audiences Jean Dujardin plays George Valentin, first as a light-footed charmer, a man who basks in the affection of his audience before he then almost at the abrupt end of his career break (see George Clooney and “Up In The Air Flying”).

Lots of music and the faithful little dog who is looking out for his master support, with Dujardin here to describe this inner drama effectively.

With the start of the new sound film era actor came out great on camera, here it is shown by Bérénice Bejo as Peppy Miller. Her bigger than Jupiter (Jupiter? The Sun!) eyes gives the whole story a fresh, even contemporary twist – and yank my heart chain.

She gave my area an expansion (totally). Her film character has a sincere thing and does not rise to the success of her head, which was as successful as her body (my area, again).

At the same time but she suffers because she can not find a way to get closer to the deep hurt in his pride Valentine. In spite of the cardiac pain, which he describes, the film also maintains a comedic, upbeat tone.

There are places where one sees clearly amazing what people say at the moment, although we hear nothing of it – silent! If only the “blue hairs” in row sitting behind me could stop their mouth flaps.

Talking in cinema should equal death. Painful death.

Enough!

My thumbs strain to the heaven place, having seen, of the year, the best film! I can review again!

Until the next “Transformers” or “Twilight” shit storm. I promise to like movies until then, of course.

Bérénice Bejo? Not just my thumbs strain sky-ward (dirty!). Ginnifer Goodwin, you exist no longer.

I am ready for Bérénice to do the Humpty Dance. On my thing. But not silently, nor in black and white. Loud, and with color. Perfection.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. From “Shark Night 3D” to my television – Katharine McPhee!!! Have I died? Or finally Kossu madness? Good feelings need no question answered. Time for another shot. And time to DVR “Smash.”

January 20, 2012

Coriolanus [REVIEW]

Coriolanus

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

What?

Not 100% CGI?

No robot alien things?

Am I high (yes, I am)?

Then soldiers. My brain screams – You are within the stuck times of “Battle: Los Angeles!”

The worst of fates that mine could be… to have.

But no.

Winter’s cold has made me for to shrivel (in my man place).

Summer is for the confrontation of the ear (and mind – or mindlessness).

Now is for brain flexing cinema.

Thanks, Odin.

Plot? Sure!

An angry crowd in a clean-rehearsed choreography calls for bread of the armed military men guarding a bread factory (which makes bread).

A squad of soldiers with heavy artillery and camouflage uniforms (sharp!) stormed a housing estate and speaks in blank verse.

Shakespeare meets Balkan war – Ralph Fiennes directorial debut “Coriolanus” (heh, anus) transports the Elizabethan drama in the time and now it is dead right.

Massive, violent and bloody, this film – and psychologically subtle and finely worked, not least thanks to the wonderful language of William Shakespeare (he speaks of English from his mouth-place worse than I – lucky for the press kit or in the wilderness my thoughts were straying).

Fiennes, who plays Coriolanus, the excellent and very nuanced itself, and especially Vanessa Redgrave as the mother of the hero know the language to use (English, but still not right – I still confuse my own thoughts) – but even the minor characters are occupied very solid.

How alive do these lines, the power and magic in the age-old phrases is, if only the right people interpret it (I pretend that it made sense to me – clever)!

In the past, some directors have transported Shakespeare to the present day (or yesterday – confusion remains) – and usually the result was at least interesting.

Fiennes has landed “Coriolanus” a really big throw. Yes – THROW!

The story is told quickly: the Romans wage war against the Volscians (but not the same Volscians from “Star Trek”) – Coriolanus (heh), the Roman commander gains a bloody victory and to be in gratitude for consul.

Unfortunately, this little man of war, civil fine sense (? – what the hell, I will stop drinking), the common people is repugnant to him (they should bathe more often). Thus arises as soon opposed his appointment and must Coriolanus into exile.

Here he teams up with former arch-enemy, the leader of the Volscians (Gerald Butler, not Leonard Nimoy – disappoint), and moves with him to Rome.

The insanity of war and the inability of a soldier to survive in peace, are the pillars of this tragic drama. But the dialectic of hatred and admiration to homoerotic (no judgment) undertones between the two antagonists provides an additional voltage level (electric!).

Conclusion: Two thumbs yelling “Yippee! I’m not in the childish shit wallowing!”

Warning – this will involve your thinking brain. And your hearing ears. It is not shit. This is for brain-flexing. Sweet, sweet relief!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Speaking of Star Trek Volscians, I must a joke:

How is the U.S.S. Enterprise like a wad of toilet paper?

They both wipe out Klingons around Uranus.

Or your Coriol-anus.

I laugh at this still.

January 13, 2012January 13, 2012

The Iron Lady [REVIEW]

The Iron Lady

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

WTF?!?

My mind is a stream of mud.

Confusion. Weed. Not reading the press kit.

“The Iron Lady” is not a sequel to “The Iron Giant”.

The excitement made my area hurt.

Meryl Streep vs. Vin Diesel was my dream. Movie heaven.

My confusion was a basket on my thinking brain.

Or perhaps they would love one another.

Sadly, no.

Then, my brain makes smart.

“The Iron Lady” is the love interest for “Iron Man” (who was not worthy of a “The” before his name). Like the booty call for “The Six Million Dollar Man”, Jaime Sommers.

Before I could proclaim this out of my mouth hole I realize that I’m the wrong guy – again.

She had no damn super powers – unless ugly qualifies, Margaret Thatcher. Fug.

The movie is about a bitch.

Plot? There isn’t one.

Apparently, there was a man-woman from England. She was ugly. People noticed the non-prettiness of her face (and body – come on people!).

She decided to be a better man than a man.

And she succeeded. As a man. Or “better-man.”

This is messing with my mind stem. But she succeeded.

You can tell a lot about the person Thatcher, but she was polarizing anyway.

Conservatives worldwide feasted her dislike of compromise and the welfare state, privatization and its war against Argentina and union leaders, people on the left of the political spectrum abhorred her breakdown of social services and the apparently uncritical embrace of neo-liberalism.

WTF?!?

So – people must die for stupid islands (Falklands… history!!!). Anyone who is not of the wealth is shit.

Reagan has a big dick.

All of this is said through time traveling flashbacks. Thank Odin for these, or some shit storytellers could not a story make.

Seriously. Think J.J. Abrams. Fucker.

Meryl Streep is damn good. I felt the Queen Mary had re-opened in Studio City. There can never be too much of a drag queen. And although Streep is a dude, I totally believed.

Awards for cross-dressing?!? 19 for Mr. Streep for “The Iron Giant’s Lady” alone.

Where am I?

So, for political, what does this rate?

I have no idea. “The Ides Of March” was bleh.

“J. Edgar” was a sausage fest.

Why didn’t I get to review “My Week With Marilyn”? Kenneth Branagh was twice the man in there (and I mean “in there”) than Meryl Streep will ever be.

Fight the power! Get the shit you have together people! Fight “The Iron Lady”!

http://www.iww.org/

Margaret Thatcher? Fuck that bitch:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JChuUgio_8g

Khan Manka! Pay me my money! An injury to one is an injury to all!!!!!

Damn… I’m drunk.

And I’m probably fired. Khan, I can’t wait to review “Contraband”! Really!!!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Is anybody there? Does anybody care? Does anybody see what I see?

December 20, 2011

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo [REVIEW]

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Sweden.

Bastards.

While us, the Finns, fought Soviet Russia the Swedes ate butter, fish, and those damn crap meatballs.

In same war (World War II, retards) we fight and fight.

Sweden?

Neutral (sissy Nazi lovers – take that, Swedes!).

Finns are awesomeness.

Swedes?

They had not one ball between them.

Then I see those Swede bastards again.

Swedish Bikini Team (hot). SAAB (cool). Malin Akerman (schwing!). Swedes aren’t so bad as people as my mind said.

They also gave us “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.” And it was greater than good.

For a film

Then, excited tail wagging puppy-like excitement sprouts from David Fincher. “Give me this movie!” he may have said out loud. And since excitement of so throbbing Swedish version is from Stone Age 2009 – of course Hollywood said “fuck yeah! 2009 is so 2009!”

Now we have “The Same Girl With A Dragon Tattoo Who Now Speaks English.” With accent that has previously been unheard by humans.

Plot? Sure!

Mikael Blomkvist (Daniel Craig) is a business investigative journalist who is determined to restore his honor.

Once he has been convicted of libel, joins the rich industrial Henrik Vanger (Christopher Plummer) in order to use his services as a journalist and a detective in the claim.

Henrik’s niece Harriet was murdered in 1966 as a 16 year old girl, what could have been but never proven (since Sherlock Holmes services are being used in shit cinema elsewhere).

Since then, the only message is that Henrik’s once a year receives a dried flower of the alleged murderer (in a frame, as in “framed”… a clue?).

Center of this conspiracy is Henrik’s extended family, from the loud disputes among themselves hardly changed a word. Like Thanksgiving at Kyrle’s place.

Americans are gluttons.

And very opinionated.

And cannot hold their liquor.

At least Swedes can hold their liquor.

And I can hold Malin Akerman (please Malin, we could make all of Scandinavia come together… get it?)

Around the same time is Lisbeth Salander (Rooney Mara) – an unusual but equally brilliant detective and hacker security company Milton Security – tasked in Blomkvist life to sniff around (“sniff around!” House of Pain, people!), which ultimately leads but to the fact that they Blomkvist with the murder of Harriet Vanger help you.

They entered a 40-year-old chess game of intrigue, murder and incest. I said it. Intrigue.

What is good?

Rooney Mara, that is what is good. Man, she pierced every possible skin flap that was available. And then more flaps, which is professional.

More?

Christopher Plummer. I almost had the belief that he was old. Good acting!

Danny Craig (my buddy). He has been doing sit-ups.

Soundtrack – Trent Reznor made my booty shake. “Hammer of the Gods” is right! And then…

SPOILER ALERT!!!

And then it happened. I was made to cry.

I can, with squirming, handle anal rape.

Bloody nine iron to face is nothing (even with broken teeth clattering on the tile).

Torture-murder-dismembering of young women is easy.

But do not fuck with the cat.

NEVER fuck with the cat.

My eyes leaked. I sniffled. I took another bong hit and one more shot of Kossu. My eyes leaked some more.

Finally, I became less a Swede and more a man (kidding, Malin – Swedes are now cool to me).

SPOILER ALERT OVER!

For a summation, three thumbs up! One thumb just for Rooney Mara. One thumb for David Fincher. And another thumb for the year 2009 version from the Swedes – at least if shit is for the messing they don’t make it a greater (or lesser) mess, right?

And one head lowered, mourning for little furry cats everywhere.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. How could Ozzy not win “Survivor”? Odin, have you forsaken us all?

December 16, 2011December 16, 2011

Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows [REVIEW]

Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Okay, Hollywood, I give.

It is FUN to see great literary figure turned into 19^th century James Bond.

There must always be explosions.

CGI must be in every movie ever made.

See, Hollywood?

You win.

For the rest of the film career of reviewing I shall just suck on my bong and sit through whatever I’m being paid to sit through.

And LIKE it.

No… LOVE it.

So, for the second time staged a witty director Guy Ritchie crime adventure with invented by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s master detective Sherlock Holmes, a classic figure of English literature (that is not in this movie. Same name. Definitely not same guy.).

As in the first film from the year 2009 the script the action transferred to the Victorian era, which also comes from Doyle’s character. The men of the friendship of Robert Downey, Jr. played Holmes and his assistants presented by Dr. John Watson Jude Law delighted with lively war of words.

This time, the detective met his equal intellectually nemesis, Professor James Moriarty (also a name that appears in the Doyle stories, not so much the character), who is about to incite a world war and to seize the most important industries of Europeunder the nail.

The freaking nail!!!

To put the criminal played by Jared Harris, in the shaft, Holmes and Watson travel to Paris, Germany and Switzerland, as if they were secret agents of later generations of film (Bond, Bourne, whoever the closeted Cruise plays in MI: Whatever).

They fight often in the literal sense before picturesque scenery, in a gentleman’s club, a train, in the Paris Opera House, a posh hotel and a Swiss mountain chateau, a munitions factory and on the backs of horses.

Son of a bitch!

Doyle’s master detective was originally in the struggle with Moriarty in Switzerland – fall down the Reichenbach Falls, in death, before he then reanimated again for more adventures.

It takes the action back here and puts on an impressive waterfall, a CGI castle in ludicrous steep hillside (maybe the same town as “Immortals” 2,000 years later). There sits a peace conference, which Moriarty wants to make the starting point of World War II.

Or I – I was pretty high.

While Watson and the belligerent gypsy Sim, played by Naomi Rapace (Dragon Tattoo chick – For The Win!), inside Europe are trying to save to provide themselves Holmes and Moriarty at the balcony of a game of chess on the board and as spirited debate about the case.

Damn straight.

Enough already.

There was a plot, but that is unimportant.

Robert Downey, Jr. has mister fun good times.

The women were hot.

You saw SH#1 and liked it? This is also for your liking.

I suggest using a bong – with and Indica blend because that will make you like an idiot drool.

And being an idiot with drool is the only way to see this.

“Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows” has made me see the light. The light of my lighter as I take another major hit.

Hollywood is awesome.

Light up and pass the cheetos.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Ryan Murphy, thank you for a taste of Lindsay Pearce in “Glee.” I know now that you are listening! Two more Lindsay episodes – then we can be friends!

December 9, 2011December 9, 2011

New Year’s Eve [REVIEW]

New Year’s Eve

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

New Year’s Eve.

Really?

A painless romantic comedy with 20 big stars about 10 different stories twisted together with a background in New York (New York).

Beyond the site (New York, dumb ass), time is the most important parameter which moves the narrative academic standards (I’m so high), and we are in the New Year’s Eve and all shows on first sight cheerful and festive.

Bullshit.

So, is it better than “The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)”?

No. Hell no.

The characters through many emotional and less comical situations are easily predictable in a pleasant but dull (like an AM/PM hamburger, yummy, and yet gross) in the whole movie follows the same recipe last year’s “Valentine’s Day” by the same director (Garry Marshall – who has giant big teeth… creepy).

That “little bit of everything” – loves all types and ages.

Here of course the nature of the celebration that unites or reunites families (as opposed to“Valentine’s Day” where we saw first young love, but without guilt and boners) seeing traumatic relationships and people in crisis who are required to overcome the wounds of the past or to retrieve media a second chance (like you, Kyrle – your obsession with pecs was your undoing – I said it!).

Usually the New Year people make “self” for their mistakes and set goals for the new (or drunk, and then the regret, and then the pregnancy).

Experiential endoscopy – I think – makes the standing on the story of New YORK’S Eve – sorry, New YEAR’S Eve.

The story of an estranged, and severe ill father (Robert De Niro – he must pay the bills, poor bastard) of Hillary Swank (no character name that I remember but major boobs), responsible for the celebration in Times Square (she fails) is typical of the dramatic tone that introduces us to the plot of Big Tooth Man Director and the character of Michelle Pfeiffer (yes!) who give up everything for to live within a few hours, as did a whole life, shows that things do not always go as we dream, chasing unrealistic time.

(This is an homage to The Talking Heads, from me, Kimmo Mustonenen I’m pretty high.)

The melancholy touches, however, is temporary and as time is pressing everyone to catch up to complete the remaining issues created some grotesque comic situations such as the birth of babies(!) by Jessica Biel. I guess Timberlake finally got busy. Tap it, Justin!

It is gratifying to planning something carefully and setting goals which will then happen by hard effort, but some things make nature itself …as twins.

WTF?!?

Can arrange a time for a natural phenomenon? With the help of technology, perhaps!

(This is an homage to DEVO. Holy crap, I may never come down!)

This is not, damage to the “countdown to the ball” in the Times Square of New York causes a confusion in the already fragile nature of the Swankster (she said I could call her that), but the right decision to put the right person for the repair of the short time until midnight (an electrician who had been dismissed in the past) shows that, in some relationships inevitably “make cycle”.

(This is an homage to my bong. Son of a bitch. I’m wasted.)

Then there is the shit-ton avalanche of other stars: Ashton Kutcher (The Cougar Tamer), Lea Michelle (Playskool’s “My First Streisand”), Sarah Jessica Parker (My Little Pony), Abigail Breslin (Why Are You In This Shit?), Halle Barry (Another Razzie?) and Zac Efron (“It’s a trap!”).

This is a soup lesson.

How?

You want a soup to make. You have ingredients for the soup in the millions. You know in reality the best soup? Maybe five ingredients. Maybe ten.

Instead, all ingredients go into the soup.

All millions.

And the soup? Shit.

You have now spent time and treasure to create shit soup.

And the name of your shit soup?

New Year’s Eve.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Soon I will see Charlize Theron in “Young Adult”. Ginnifer Goodwin, you are so out of my mind (in the not good way).

P.P.S. I’m so fried. I have a total hard-on for the Flame Flavored Cheeto. Tell me the favorite of your high Cheeto in the comments! Damn, I’m hungry.

What?

November 18, 2011

The Descendants [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind the Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Reese Witherspoon, Election, About Schmidt, Sideways, The Descendants, Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon, Jim Rash, Kaui Hart Hemmings, George Clooney, Shailene Woodley, Amara Miller, Nick Krause, Patricia Hastie, Grace A. Cruz, Kim Gennaula, Karen Kuioka Hironaga, Carmen Kaichi, Beau Bridges, Matt Corboy, Matt Esecson, Michael Ontkean, Stanton Johnston, Jeff Bridges, Jon McManus, Hugh Foster, Tiare R. Finney, Tom McTigue, Milt Kogan, Mary Birdsong, Rob Huebel, Laird John Hamilton, Aileen 'Boo' Arnold, Esther Kang, Melissa Kim, Robert Forster, Barbara L. Southern, Celia Kenney, Matthew Reese, Zoel Tumbull, Matthew Lillard, Judy Greer, Linda Rose Herman, Scott Michael Morgan, Darryl K. Gonzales, Koko Kanealii, Romey 'Keola' Yokotake, Fileena Bahris, Tracy Boyd, Jim Burke, George Parra, Jim Taylor, Phedon Papamichael, Kevin Tent, John Jackson, Jane Ann Stewart, T.K. Kirkpatrick, Matt Callahan, Wendy Chuck, Julie Hewett, Debra Rego, Renee Confair, Mads Hansen, Scott August, Richard Fox, Brian Costa, Craig H. Davidson, Marcus Young, Troy Boggess, Don Chong, Wes Ford, Andy Henry, Brian Bautista, Christine Carr, Joe Finley, Coleen Aiello, Deidre Backs, Sean Burke, Tal Fiala, Jeff Dash, Nancy Honeycutt, Dagny Looper, Lisa Lee Mitchell, Troy Manandic, Larissa Martinez, Courtney McCrory, Anna Musso, Anthony Ocasio, Jason Skweres, Cameron Spencer, Susan Wyshynski

The Descendants

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I begged for a savior.

A savior from the sameness of the same that is bad.

A savior from having to drink “Twilight” out of my brain thoughts until I had beach ball liver and bloody stool.

Thank the Lord!

I got two!

One, Alexander Payne.

He made Reese Witherspoon not annoying (“Election”). He got Mr. Oscar nominations for saggy, naked, and old woman – plus for once cool crazy man (“About Schmidt”). He made wine and golf together for Mr. Oscar that they were cool, almost (“Sideways”).

Two, George Clooney – the being only in Hollywood with more hotter than “Puss In Boots”.

Will Payne get Clooney Mr. Oscar? Am I happy to get to make that question?

Story?

Yes!

Matt King is of Hawaii, drowned in its affairs, indifferent husband and father who suddenly is accountable when his woman falls into a coma after her head bounces off of a boat.

The Matt must find a way to sort out and come close to two daughters, 10 and 17 years, while to realize himself how careless he was (although the daughters heads and boats were never in danger).

The concept of the “The Descendants” seemed particularly interesting. Although certainly not original (but, yes, it is), the casting of Matt was the selection of George Clooney in the starring role.

The script, as always is excellent with the embarrassing, almost slapstick comedy, melodrama in heavy and vice versa (which is not heavy, like my brother). Playing with all sorts of issues relating to differences between generations, bequests and by-laws, but never falls into the trap of a sermon.

Sermon movies? Go see Tyler Perry (he is not a lady! No kidding!).

Although the known slowness of the director is here again, certainly in this case has raised a speed, because you will not see nor suffer art house shots or tedious sour face close-up to the protagonist.

But then there are no naked clowns, either. They are in the art house welcome.

Payne not only managed to find the perfect role for Clooney, whose never disputed that his awesomeness was acting skills (as opposed to directing), but plays shamelessly with him, putting a rival, as… wait for it, Matthew Lillard, making it even more sympathetic to the viewer and you get one of the best interpretations.

All movie rivals shall now be played by Shaggy. Ruh roh!

Thus, and “The Descendants” looks like the perfect transition. A small production with big Hollywood actor and is digestible, unlike a shrub.

A very good movie with great story and a terrible Clooney steals the show.

Terrible good!

I mean, terrible great!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Note to Twi-tards: If you don’t like my “Twilight” review, you can suck it. So and then e-mail and tweet the link to all of your friends (online, not IRL – that way you have more than one) so to have them leave nasty comments! I dare you.

P.P.S. Kyrle – send me on the hour a hit count. We are going to score!

November 16, 2011November 16, 2012

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 [REVIEW]

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

First – the coming of the clean.

Yes. I’m jealous.

Robert Pattinson has the hair of a god.

A messy hipster god, but god hair is god hair.

I want some.

Now for the real meat – once again, a crap-fest!

The film reviewer life can make one wish (and hope) the Mayans are right, the world ends in 2012, and thus my sitting through another Twilight is decreased to zero.

I pray for this to be so.

Review time.

Bella (Kristen Stewart) has made her choice: She is about to marry Edward (see “hair god” above). But the young man, he will honor his market share? He will accept to transform into a vampire, and see to give up his life?

None of this makes sense.

Like the last novel of the franchise of “Harry Potter”, this is halved for film. Twilight, the final episode, will split into two films. A necessity or a narrative stunt to garner twice the receipts?

Unfortunately, this second option is to be considered opportunistic.

Bad studio, ripping off the Twi-tards.

The conclusion is given the languid pace of the film.

If, initially, it is hasty (precipitated the wedding of Bella and Edward, and their honeymoon), the action then is dangerously fallen to the level zero. After blackness and dark twists the previous section, by far the best of the saga (“wow, that turd looks better than the other turd!”), now is the dominant impression of disappointment from the very beginning.

The narrative seems ever more stretched, not to tell again.

Early in the film, the “hesitation” Bella, already in the middle of the last film, persist.

Again and again.

And again.

Then, one more time.

The character played by Kristen Stewart wonders if she should marry, and then come some discussions with her suitor that I’m sure I heard in another episode. Then, once on the island of temptation, where the lovebirds spend their honeymoon (off of Rio, but there are no 3D animated toucans – bummer!), it was now the turn of Edward the vampire of be in dilemma.

Should he or not sleep with his wife at the risk of turning her into a monstrosity of nature bloodthirsty or kill on contact with his neck, his body, all members of a young fresh woman?

And the guy is still more than 100 years, so freshness level, there have been better!

In this chapter of inaction which is meant to be that of excitement, suspense is emerging little by little to explode in the second half of the film (finally, after one suck-tastic hour).

Bella was nubile and fertile, and therefore, following the single exchange of body fluids in the film (the temptation was right to Edward – he totally slammed Bella – awesome!), here it is a big creature unusual offspring of unprecedented , half-human, half vampire.

What to do?

Would it be first ever abortion where vampire baby instead eats the doctor’s face?

That would be cool.

We do not reveal the outcome of this confrontation with the unknown that will lead the “beautiful” Jacob (Taylor Lautner – trade some of that work-out time to get acting lessons, please) to big arms muscled man to betray his wolf pack to help his beloved, the one that has yet to abandon the damn cold meat of Edward Cullen.

No, I will tell you nothing, because if you are still reading this (at least this far), you will see this pile of shit anyway.

To conclude:

The Twi-tards will fork their money to Summit Entertainment and moisten and stick to the theater seats when Edward sparkles.

The world will continue to turn.

Some idiot will comment that Pattinson is a good actor.

Babies will die.

And later I’ll have to review a hunk of shit called “The Twilight Saga – Breaking Dawn, Part 2”.

The suck of all sucks.

Unless the Mayans are right. My fingers are crossed.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Ginner Goodwin – I am sorry. “Once Upon A Time” is no longer in my life. Please find a project that is less annoying so that I may lust to you properly.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 [REVIEW]

November 11, 2011November 11, 2011

Immortals [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind the Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo on Kino, Immortals, Tarsem Singh, Charley Parlapanides, Vlas Parlapanides, Henry Cavill, Mickey Rourke, Stephen Dorff, Freida Pinto, Luke Evans, John Hurt, Joseph MOrgan, Anne Day-Jones, Greg Bryk, Alan Van Sprang, Peter Stebbings, Daniel Sharman, Isabel Lucas, Kellan Lutz, Steve Byers, Stephen McHattie, Matthew G. Taylor, Romano Orzari, Corey Sevier, Conrad Pla, Neil Napier, Tyrone Beneskin, Abdul Ayoola, Dylan Smith, Robert Naylor, Mercedes Leggett, Kaniehtiio Horn, Ayisha Issa, Danny Blanco Hall, Robert Maillet, Alain Chanoine, Edward Yankie, Gage Munroe, Aron Tomori, Marcella Bezina, Roc La Fortune, Jade Larocque, Charlie Duret, Alisha Nagarsheth, Makayla Jade McManus-Legett, Madison McAleer, Zelia Mouana-Bankouezi, Andre Kasper Kolstad, Tyler Hynes, Carlo Mestroni, Chantal Simard, Brent Skagford, Jason Cavalier, Kevin Kelsall, Patrick Sabongui, Samuel Platel, Lise Sita, Francise LaFreniere, Shyrelle Yates, John Churchill, Austin Beauchamp, Jimmy Duperval, Randy Herman, Emilie Paquet, Robbie Brenner, Mark Canton, Jason Felts, Craig J. Flores, Ogden Gavanski, Tony Grazia, Ken Halsband, Ryan Kavanaugh, Jamie Marshall, Gianni Nunnari, Rene Rigal, Nico Soultanakis, Tucker Tooley, Tommy Turtle, Jeff Waxman, Trevor Morris, Brendan Galvin, Wyatt Jones, Stuart Lew, Andrew Kenyon, Tom Foden, Jille Azis, Eiko Ishioka, Ken Diaz, Daniel Auclair, Ken Halsband, Christopher Kulikowski, Dana Reaves Bolla, Michael R. Sloan, Alexandre Bernard, Angele Gagnon, Chanel Lavoie, Jamie Marshall, Julien Pratte, Evelyne Renaud, Michael Viglietta, Wade Barnett, Nicolas Becker, Ric Schnupp, Alain Berard, Artie Malesci, Garrett Warren, Max White, Geoffroy Beauchernin, Tom Gibbons, Markus Czyzewski, Danny Elhaj, Ian Broucek, Amber Asaro, Brent Beath, Hank Bedford, Maggy Belzile, Kim Berner, Taylor Black, Christina Buchli, Gerrard Coffey, Tana David, Nicolas Fafard-Trudel, Andree-Anne Faucher, Cristina Fuller, Sonia Garcha, Etienne Geoffrion, Brandon Gold, Silvy Kim, Michael Lippman, Josianne Mailloux, Marr Morgan, Caroline Morissette, Jean-Charles Myrand, Eva Quiroz, Marlaine Reiner, Ryan Ross, Marc Salouze, Esteban Sanchez, Mona Sishodia, Justine Winkler, Evagelia Zouliatis

“The Immortals”

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

“The Immortals” is crap.

Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap.

That is my review.

But the editor says I must write more words than “crap.”

O.K. – it is also turd sandwich in… 3D!

Story?

We have in a long time ago, the Greek gods defeated the Titans. They locked the creatures in a prison deep in a mountain.

In a later era wants King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke – creepy!) encounter the gods from their thrones – and to release the Titans.

Necessary to the Epirus-bow (huh?) he wants to help with the visions of the Oracle (see Freida Pinto. I saw her. A tent was pitched.).

On his expedition he also lays the village of slave Theseus (Henry Cavill) to rubble, killing his mother. We will find you do NOT kill the slave baby momma.

Obsessed with revenge wants, Theseus’s death to place on Hyperion. Help comes not only from the Oracle and some warriors (including Stephen Dorff – really), but by god Zeus (Luke Evans), who has for years stood by him in the guise of an old man (John Hurt).

Totally makes sense.

Now, however, Zeus has forbidden the other gods on Olympus to interfere in the war of the people. They should do it alone, led by Theseus. This is misleading in intent.

Never effin’ happened!

Why not now make the Nativity movie with the Amish and showgirls and talking goats? I would see that movie.

Instead of Amish, showgirls, and the goats we get “The Immortals”.

There is so much to love about the movie – the costumes by Eiko Ishioka, the excessive violence, the über-hot Freida Pinto.

And that is all. So not so much.

But it all comes together never close to completely correct, it remains as a spectator weird creep whereby lengths and accepts it all with a shrug.

To get to the point: If you liked the slightly less shit-storm (equally stylized) “300”, this was cooked for you.

You are so bold as to be cool. In your tiny mind.

It is self-explanatory, that this world never looks realistic.

It begins with these goddamn cliffs.

Almost every village, every temple seems built on a cliff. This looks even nice, but again and again – is monotone.

There is also the practical question: Is it really safe to go to the temple from the house, on a footpath, which is three feet wide, has no railings and where, at the slightest misstep, hundreds of yards into the ocean you splat?!?

Just think of children playing. Drunks. Old people. Drunk old children. Epileptics.

That question should be immediately banned from the head – there are no epileptics in “The Immortals”. Like so many others movies.

The shit continues – about how useful it is for the army of evil, to bear such huge helmets, they can’t wipe the ass-crack, let alone fight (and wiping is not as hard as fighting – unless there is much cheese ingestion).

Or why the Greeks the Oracle stupidly deflower (although deflowering Freida Pinto is never stupid, as long as we see her naked).

These and many other discrepancies plaguing the film.

They didn’t even release the Kraken (I yell this during bowel movements)!

I could write more of a response, but I’m too with depression.

Would it, in a better universe, then had “The Immortals”, the makings of a truly great film?

Only good (other than previously talked Freida Pinto – Ass of a Goddess! This would be better movie, too) Mickey Rourke enjoys evil-being, even if he was mumbling and muttering and one does hardly understands.

But ultimately crap – this one goes in the mouth, is chewed, relies on the 3D glasses, swallowed, admired the vision of director, digested, you buy ticket, and the film is shat onto the screen.

Did I mention it was crap?

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Ryan Murphy, I don’t need you! Lindsay Pearce is Snow White in “A Snow White Christmas” at the El Portal in North Hollywood,CA. Kyrle, get me a ticket! I will follow her home (NOT! Being serious! I want no crimes committed.). I will just beg for her love at the stage door. Keep open for updates!

P.P.S. Joe Paterno, if you hear little children are being diddled you go to the police when the diddling is told. Good job, JoePa! Fucking asshole.

November 4, 2011

Tower Heist [REVIEW]

Tower Heist

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I don’t understand.

My mind is flowing with the fire.

Kyrle, I want to see the revels inside the “Anonymous”.

Or, to make me give a dolphin smile, “Harold and Kumar’s 3D Christmas” with the pot and a rad review to make.

But no.

I see the hot in the 1990s film “Tower Heist”.

In 1991, this is a (the s)hit.

Today?

Snooooooooozeeeeee……….. suuuuuuuuuuuuckkkkkk.

With “Tower Heist” director Brett Ratner does try the balancing act between the amusing comedy genre and heist movie. For those who can spontaneously start to the second term (heist, mush brain) – A-OK!:

A heist movie romp usually a couple of cool guys who then work out another plan much more cool to either cash to steal or a lot of any valuable thing (like steak). Many heist movies are popular because they often come up with many twists and surprises to you as a viewer, feels fun-surprised and how the thieves because now want to get the loot.

Comedies are popular NOT when explain they must why you have to for the laugh, right?

Stop laughing. You never started.

Unfortunately fails (shocker!), “Tower Heist” almost sensational about it, the strong elements from both genres take up in plain-text – the planned robbery is not exciting to offer only minimal surprises and humor is far too short, or non existent (like, “How do you get a nun pregnant?” Answer in the comments below!).

The jokes are bad pointedly dropped listless (for that’s particularly true on several one-liners to already-worn by a number of other films – 20 years ago!).

Humor is indeed a matter of taste, and it only one time exists (to me, in my taste that matters), Eddie Murphy holds a little dreamy monologue about the relationship between lesbian women and firm breasts.

That was it.

It tries to be long 100 minutes of comedy. But only 4 minutes. Yet, but it seems much, much longer.

The disappointing part, of many in this “comedy”, is unfortunately hand in hand with the robbery of the money for a sympathetic force. The supposedly equipped with the world’s best security system tower can then still be won relatively easy – so easy that as would Ben Stiller would not have to bother the apartment of the victim with Lego recreate – a small addendum to the subject of humor – the Lego model should be FUNNY.

The coup ends in exaggerated scenes on the outside wall of the skyscraper, does not even in the inner logic of the film exposes the meaning and the lousy script.

“Tower Heist by Retards” would be truth, but not correct, politically. “Tower Heist by Retards” would have brought the fun.

Curiously, attempts Bratt Ratner plan and the absurd comedy of the soft-rinsed with the theme of “99 percent to stick into the 1% anal pore”. That is to provide a current political and social superstructure.

Of course it is cool in principle, that the film on the side of workers and says Wall Street is Las Vegas (without the hot legal hookers).

Too much plot explanation for so little of the plot.

My bad. I’ve switched to slivovitz and am woozy.

The motley troupe can wrest from viewers unfortunately no great sympathy. Ben Stiller exudes a desperate charm and can play alongside Casey Affleck, the most interesting character.

Eddie Murphy’s role could be funny, but is not being fully implemented.

Matthew Broderick and Gabourey Sidibe (now in “Tower Heist” based on the novel Suck by Hack Writer) sink into the irrelevance.

So? What happens when you make a genre mix, where you combine a burglary without exciting plan and a comedy without jokes? “Tower Heist”! Which rises from the toilet and tries to bite your wankie.

Don’t let it!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Go “Glee”, go! In Finland, we always make out with the teacher who is the momma now to our baby! BUT… no Lindsay to be seen. Just the mick. Ryan Murphy, I am watching you…

October 28, 2011

Puss In Boots [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind the Proscenium, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, Puss In Botts, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Chris Miller, Charles Perrault, Brian Lynch, David H. Steinberg, Tom Wheeler, Jon Zack, Antonio Banderas, Salma Hayek, Zach Galifianakis, Billy Bob Thornton, Amy Sedaris, Constance Marie, Guillermo del Toro, Rich Dietl, Ryan Crego, Conrad Vernon, Tom McGrath, Bob Joles, Latifa Ouaou, Robert Persichetti, Chris Miller, Jessica Schulte, Mike Mitchell, Nina Barry, Andrew Adamson, Joe M. Aguilar, Tom Jacomb, Michelle Raimo, Henry Jackman, Eric Dapkewicz, Philip M. Cohen, Kelly Cooney, David Farley, Andrew Hotz, Craig Rittenbaum, Christian Roedel, Jon Eric Schmidt, Guillaume Aretos, Jessie Carbonaro, Craig Elliott, Paul Fisher, Woon Jung, William Mata, Anthony Zierhut, Michael Babcock, Anna Behlmer, Courtney Bishop, James Bolt, Ryan Cole, Christopher Flick, Roy Latham, Jeff Sawyer, Rohit Jain, Lucas Janin, Geoffrey Jarrett, Ian Jenkins, Matt Johnson, Jeffrey Jose, Fabio Lissi, Ryan Crego, Mike Stern, Roger Vizard, Nate Wragg, Gregory Creaser, Jeff Olm, Alexander Wu, Alex Belcher, Susan Thampi, Daniel Pinder, Rain Angeles, Steve Baker, Will Bilton, Alyson Blume, Kelly Chow, Malik Coates, Emily Conlon, Brendan Duncan, Sean Ellis, Jessica Forer, Reid Gershbein, David Hail, Molly Jackson, Tripp Hudson, Jorge Heredia, Terence Kuederle, Ian J. McIntosh, Anna Newman, Drew Puchalski, Caroline Robinson, Kirk Shalosky, Cathy Sitzes, Casey Sword, Kara Ulseth, Xavier Vanegas, Mark Tukunaga, Dreamworks Animation

Puss In Boots

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

So “Shrek” is released on us, at one time.

Then more and more “Shreks” for the counting.

I was sickened… until the “Shrek” comes along and I became gay for a cat.

This cat I love so much?

Puss (which I just found out means “cat,” I was previously confused) in Boots!

Rico Suavẽ!

There was technology.

And technology is cool (except for my new iPhone – it weeps over Steve).

I digress.

This is called a new revolution in film. Oscar-winning technology Fluid Animation System (FLU) has allowed the subtleties of facial expressions to convey the magic characters. The motion of each hair molecule at the talking donkey obeyed the laws of high art and gravity.

The so-called “facial animation system” acted individually – in the computer were driven and character, and how this character is reflected in the muscles and skin – as if the entire face were playing for the same team.

Team Face.

“Smile!” each time gave new results. The result was so absolute and real that the animators decided to take a little back – to keep the feeling of a fairy tale and not so real.

Nothing worse than toddlers screaming “Crap! Real talking cat! Real talking donkey! Real ogre! I have shat myself!” And then they run screaming outside to the lobby and are abducted.

That is too real. Really.

Ten years passed, and now an army of actors, festooned with electronic sensors, depicts a different animation of animals, computer animation is among the leaders in the global box office.

That and those goddamn sparkly vampires (when will the Twi-tards sickness pass over and leave us alone?).

It is now so great that it threatens to blow up the film from the inside and wholly divert his children to make a video game and the main specialties of multiplexes. Which is cool – but not as cool like “Shark Night – 3D“ (I was wasted that day, yeehaw!).

Puss in Boots appeared in the second “Shrek” as an episodic character and two or three scenes pushed into the background and even a donkey and Shrek.

Antonio Banderas gave him his facial expressions and voice, cat dashing Spanish accent, and artists have come up with a brilliant cat.

There we see pleaded rounding the eye (swoon), they become bottomless (swooner), they reproached all our unjust world is so compelling that the frame broke on the world (swoonest), took place on the desks of the secretaries of the world, became the computer screen savers and symbol of the New Cinema.

I told you I was gay for a non-existing cat.

And it became clear that with this film about Puss, Shrek unexpectedly unearthed a gold mine.

The story? Who gives a paska? It is Puss in mother-effin’ Boots!!!

A quibble: While a truly witty film could be obtained if the authors had relied on the mysterious world of cats, and then combined it with a jaded world of a human tales – would open up the abyss of the paradoxes (did I blow your mind? I blew mine.). But it only once managed to touch the mystery cat – this is when the cat begged for mercy, that in a moment to make us their slaves (did I say already that I was gay for this cat?). They understand the price of his discovery, and now replicate the frame again and again. His wait, they admire, but neither higher nor deeper jump is no longer possible.

And that is that… cat!

So, two thumbs straight in to the air – like the butt end of a cat when the scratching happens near the tail.

Just don’t look at the brown-eye.

Cute effect is ruined.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Fringe”, wtf?!? Come on, J.J. Abrams! You already showed me your hate with the last season of “Lost” (yes, you hired showrunners with that eat paste) and now you do the same already again with the last season of “Fringe”?!? I hate you more than Ryan Murphy!

P.S.S. “Once Upon A Time”… thank you Father in Heaven! I can think more dirty Ginnifer Goodwin thoughts! I owe you, God.

October 20, 2011October 20, 2011

The Three Musketeers [REVIEW]

The Three Musketeers

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

No! NO!!!

Bad Hollywood!

Bad!

It is no longer summer.

You cannot, now in the fall, return like a dog to your own vomit.

This movie was made before – and once good! Oliver Reed, Michael York, and Faye Dunaway (before she got a case of uglies and olds) had the awesome.

Now?

Bad Hollywood!

Assholes.

So here we are, another old ham is warmed up again, this time there are “The Three Musketeers” by Alexander Dumas.

The last film, “The Musketeer”, it was almost 10 years ago, but the film flopped at the box office and flopped with lack of talent.

Now dares Paul W.S. Anderson (“Resident Evil”, “Alien vs. Predator”) to the project financed by and seen in Germany. Visually everything seems to be running quite well, but the catastrophic scale of production falls with the latest sighting of the film itself. And since you must see a film to experience it – well, now it sucks for sure.

The good first – visually, “The Three Musketeers” pretty well… pretty.

Filming took place in the most beautiful castles and towns in Bavaria, so that the settings are very successful, but old. The costumes, designed by the designer (!) Pierre-Yves Gayraud, adapt successfully to the visual style.

Technically, the effect was at natural environments now and then, just when you see villages from the air, which often looks very nice.

Up close, they are dirty and smell.

The action scenes, of which there are plenty, are also staged quite well overall, even if Paul W.S. Anderson, it is like to exaggerate (he doesn’t have to exaggerate his wife, Milla Jovovich – she is hot – zing!).

Whether you can get used to his style, everyone should decide for themselves (or I can decide for you – let me know in the comments), but you who have a problem with slow motion matrix effects will barf. In a historical film, will then probably it will interfere with that – the matrix effects, not the barfing.

People barfed in the past.

Although the film has to offer some nice visual display values and also a prominent cast, Anderson still fails, something coherent, functioning to construct as a whole.

Where should we start?

Anderson lacks any fine feeling for how to combine individual components and to create certain values, so that you can absolutely not take the film seriously.

As before, this is the fall! Films are now to be serious! Asshole.

This begins with the dialogues, which were written so stupidly that they deserve a prize (a Razzie?). Not infrequently one will hold to your hand to head and wonder and hope you have not gone past the refund point. Then when you realize that the characters are really just the idiocy have given of themselves, then even flies one of the next daft sayings from their mouths.

Some of it was meant to be but otherwise NOT funny.

Anyway, the shot backfired. !gnaB – Get it?

The names of the cast read although very promising, but only as long as you have not seen the movie, because then begins the shit-storm – the actor can not convince.

The only one who is still with blue eyes, really only Christoph Waltz, who here, but far below his potential and plays are vastly to puppet making, after all, but responsible for some good jokes, and brings just by his appearance a lot of presence.

Milla Jovovich‘s costume has changed (she doesn’t need a costume, trust me – yowza!), but otherwise plays the same role as in her “Resident Evil”, Alice, the ass-kicking űber-babe.

Ray Stevenson, Luke Evans and Matthew Macfadyen are in themselves a cool trio make their case quite well made. The same applies to Mads Mikkelsen, who indeed alone with grim view a cool guy, but there is no chemistry, not even biology.

Logan Lerman (“Percy Jackson”) as the fourth Musketeer serves as an identification figure for the viewer, but is nothing more than a greenhorn. Then doing more than one actually buys it. Acting-wise, he can not shine particularly, his repertoire of facial expressions is only two.

Happy, sad.

That is it.

Seriously.

Particularly bad is Orlando Bloom, whose appearance reminds me of transvestite and is totally miscast for the role. His performance is incredibly bad, since the good acting he just can not attempt, even in a movie like this, where no one can convince, yet still he fails. This is known as probably a brilliant performance in Opposite World.

Of course appears “The Three Musketeers” in 3D, just as is now common. With “Resident Evil 4” Anderson has proven that he knows how to use the 3D technology very well, but in the case of “The Three Musketeers” may safely be described using a rip-off. Not only that, the effect is hardly noticeable.

Don’t pay for this 3D crap! Or at least, keep the glasses.

That will learn them!

Assholes.

So, to conclude this suck-fest – Paul W.S. Anderson has done it – he has pulled a classic perfect and rubbed it in the mud. Although the film is visually very well managed, provides reputable actors, it is just embarrassing the rest of time.

Both thumbs droop to the floor, like the sword in my dreams while fighting Zorro.

I have issues.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Survivor” – wow! In Finland, we would just say that Brandon Hantz had become with Snow Fever and then just shoot him through the head. Better for humanity. Make it so, Jeff Probst!