Sergey Brin – Page 7 – Chairman's Blog

July 7, 2011July 7, 2011

Khan Manka, Jr. Speech – Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference 2011 – Day 3

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Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2011

[The following is a transcript of the speech Khan Manka, Jr. gave at Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference today. It has been transcribed from an audio recording made by Mr. Manka. Herb Allen is heard first introducing Mr. Manka – followed by applause and a few audible ‘boos’. This transcription has not been edited or reviewed by Mr. Manka.]

Herb Allen: OK – OK. Can I have the mic up, please? It is? Can I have it louder, please? There we go. There we go. Can I get your attention please, everyone? Terry Semel? Come on, I’m trying to… OK… thank you. Thanks to all of you for moving over here to the Opera House on such short notice. I can’t believe our room was double-booked. I just hope the Morgan Family Reunion finishes earlier than planned so we can move back.

[… incoherent rumblings and chatter – finally it gets quiet…]

Herb Allen: I’ve got a real treat here this afternoon. Over the past couple of years, he’s been quite the Sun Valley Squire – thanks for all the revealing blogs you put out there, Khan. Privacy obviously isn’t one of your concerns! But thanks for the tip on the “Saban” spray tan – I”ll try to get one of those before I leave here.

[Laughs throughout the room.]

Herb Allen: You don’t need me to tell you about Khan Manka, Jr. You hear all you would ever want to hear about it him every night at the bar – except that Singapore midget thing – thanks not right – just horrible, Khan. But anyway, here he is… one of the great moguls right here in our midst – Khan Manka, Jr.

[Applause – some ‘boos’.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Thanks, Donner. That’s a ‘Mogulympics’ reference from yesterday’s blog. ‘Blog’ makes me sound like I’m a hip new media guy–

Mark Zuckerberg’s voice: No, it doesn’t. Maybe in 1996!

[Laughs…]

Khan Manka, Jr.: What? Is that Zuckerberg? You just got here and it’s already with the cheap shots, huh? You’re just worried about Manka’s new Facebook killer we have coming out – Caligula.

Mark Zuckerberg: No… I’m not… at all. I’ve seen it. It sucks. Non-awesome.

[Big laugh from the room.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: OK, OK – you know what? I’m just gonna punt on my prepared remarks because every time I do one of these speeches it ends in fucking chaos. People ‘booing’, fighting… it’s just crazy. If you want to read my speech to CES titled “The Future Is Last Year”, go to the website. I’m gonna wing it, Herb, just finish your wine. I have a few things to say. Look… all I do is speak the truth. And the truth is this: The Hollywood mogul is dead, killed by the geeks.

[Chuckles from a few… one loud “BULLSHIT!”]

Khan Manka, Jr.: No, I’m sorry, Bob – Bob Iger everybody – it’s true. I look around this room – half are not even looking at me, buried in their phones, the other half are looking me but are thinking an afternoon nap sounds really good. Us old media guys don’t stand a chance.

[Silence. A sniffle. A cough.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: This is not just a generational thing. This is a real problem. Technological innovations have been coming at us so fast and furious (right, Ron Meyer?) that the older moguls can’t keep up with the changes AND play golf at the same time. And most of us don’t even want to try. Seriously, I don’t need a goddamned phone every fucking month! And I certainly don’t want to keep digitizing my film library into a new format every couple of months for your stupid new phones!

[A few claps… someone is babbling something incoherently.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: The old moguls, and I suppose you can count me that group, just want to produce really great content, put it in a movie theater or on a television, get reports on the ratings or the box office – and it do all again next week. That’s it. We don’t want that to end. You ‘new media’ types have no respect for that culture. No respect for the work we’ve done. You think it’s easy what we do. ‘Comedy is easy – creating an App, that’s hard.’ I say ‘Go F yourselves.’

[A few claps… more ‘boos’, a few shouts and one “Fuck you, too.”]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Why the hell would Reid Hoffman be considered a mogul? He runs a little chat room for people trying to get work.

[… lots of ‘boos’, shouts and ‘fuck yous’…]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Come on, seriously? A mogul produces movies and TV shows, owns networks and has long lunches at really nice restaurants with other moguls. You new people eat at your desks or the company cafeteria. You don’t produce anything. You have data servers in the Mojave Desert. How the hell that does make you a mogul? How is the Groupon guy a mogul? Freakin’ coupons for laser hair removal? HE’S a mogul?

[… the room is in chaos with shouts, ‘boos’, audible punching sounds…]

Herb Allen is heard on another mic. Mr. Manka continues in the background.

Khan Manka, Jr.: WHO THE HELL THREW THAT?!!

Herb Allen: Hold it! Please do NOT throw your cellphones at Mr. Manka! Thank you.

[Total chaos.]

Herb Allen: Khan, listen… LISTEN!!! When I started this conference twenty some years ago, I never intended it to be a “mogul fest” – I was just trying to gather successful, interesting people who run successful, interesting companies. The entertainment people tend to get the most press and so it became known – by the press, which most of the people in this room own and run – as a ‘Mogul Fest’. It wasn’t my intention.

Khan Manka, Jr.: Well… as long as we’re clear that Mark Zuckerberg is not a mogul.

Mark Zuckerberg: Hey, we distribute your shitty movies on Facebook. Nobody buys them, but they are available.

Khan Manka, Jr.: Fine. Fair enough. You’re a mogul. Any questions? If you new media people want to get hammered tonight, I’m buying at the bar.

[Applause… shouts of approval… audio ends.]

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 7, 2011July 7, 2011

Sun Valley Shore – Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference 2011 – Day 2.5

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference 2011

Day 1 — Day 2 — Day 2.5 – Day 3

————————————–

It’s no secret that most moguls love to be tanned and almost all have new, whiter, straighter teeth put in over their old, yellow, crooked teeth.

Who wouldn’t want that, right?

It’s also no secret that the only reason moguls do all that is to look good to 25-year-old girls.

What we moguls don’t seem to understand is, we’re all incredibly wealthy and powerful and many 25-year-old girls (and boys) will find us attractive even if we didn’t have a spray tan or new teeth. (Duh!)

I would wager $1,000,000 that the combined age of all of the moguls teeth at this conference doesn’t even equal the age of one Sumner Redstone.

For the record, most moguls get the “Saban” tan – which is a really dark, unrealistic orange kind of hue.

I prefer the “Strauss Zelnick” which really brings out the whiteness of the teeth. The “Avi Nevo” isn’t bad either but the fragrance is way too strong.

But no matter how much we whiten our teeth and darken our skin and de-gray our hair, it’s still hard for most of us to get out of bed. And it’s really hard to run a 100-meter dash or jump over a high bar (suck-ass Mogulympics).

Just because my face is as tight and smooth as a teenager’s face doesn’t mean I have the energy of a teenager.

And why the fuck would I want the energy of a teenager? I’m a goddamned billionaire in Sun Valley living the dream.

It makes me feel good when I see a mogul (oh, let’s say, Barry Diller) who really could care less how he looks. He’s got power and doesn’t need all those tricks. He’ll take that giant T-shirt and shorts look to the grave! That’s why I admire Barry so much.

The new slobby tech moguls are less comforting to me – they’re just creepy and disturbing.

I was asked to present an updated version of the keynote speech I gave earlier this year to the CES convention in Las Vegas – so I don’t have time to get into too many details about last night’s very elaborate dinner (or the unbelievable concert by Tony Orlando & Dawn… not the old ‘Dawn’, a much younger and hotter ‘Dawn’).

Most of the conversation last night consisted of anything BUT the Rupert Murdoch hacking scandal.

I was at Rupert’s table and all he talked about was how many tomatoes he’s going to get from his garden this year.

Later this afternoon, before cocktails (or during – we’ll see), I will give my assistant a more detailed account of what is going on and she will have the online geeks write it up and add pictures, etc.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 6, 2011July 5, 2012

Mogulympics – Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – Day 2

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference

Day 1 — Day 2 – Day 2.5 – Day 3

——————————-

The sight of Harvey Weinstein in tight gym shorts is an image that I won’t soon forget.

But let me back up.

I am dictating this in a secret business center somewhere beneath the Sun Valley Lodge after experiencing one of the most horrific and demoralizing mornings of my life.

At 4:30 am, I was blasted awake by “The Call of the Moguls” fanfare (written by Michael Eisner years ago when he still had power). As I had only gone to bed a couple of hours before (because I was pounding drinks well into the wee hours with my new drinking buddy Chase Carey), this was a most unwelcome sound.

In the room next to me, I could hear Eric Schmidt screaming out the window “Shut the fuck up!”

An envelope slid under my door. I opened it and recognized Herb’s handwriting:

“Please report to Herb Allen Field immediately! Wear your gym clothes and sneakers. – Herb A.”

So I did as I was told and dragged myself down to a converted grassy area that has been rebranded “Herb Allen Field” for the length of the conference.

I immediately saw Jeffrey Katzenberg and LinkedIn’s Jeff Weiner hopping up and down, stretching. A few others were mingling about but I couldn’t make out their faces in the dark.

That’s when I saw Harvey Weinstein in his too small gym shorts and too small t-shirt smoking a cigarette. Don’t get me wrong, I like Harvey quite a bit, but man…

For the next few moments, I just sort of stood there in the pre-dawn staring at the ground. This was an epic hangover. What I needed was sleep and a large a quantity of bacon. In that order. Not this bullshit.

After another anthem – “The Dawn of the Mogul” – finished playing, a loud coaches whistle pierced all of our brains. There were various grunts and swears from the assembled moguls.

Herb Allen appeared, fresh and full of energy. He reminded me, with his baseball cap and coaches whistle, of Donner – the reindeer coach from “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer”… Sorry, that’s the most current reference I can think of. If you saw him, you would say the same thing.

Herb Allen: OK, gentlemen, you made it through the night–

Rupert Murdoch: Where are the women?

Herb Allen: I don’t know, Rupert, why don’t you hack into their emails to find out?

Rupert Murdoch: You shall be murdered, you son of a fucking–

Herb Allen: Calm down. I’m joking, Rupert. The women are having spa treatments. I gave them an option – because they aren’t flabby and undisciplined. You assholes don’t get an option.

Khan Manka, Jr.: Fuck that shit.

Herb Allen approached me like a crazy drill sergeant.

Herb Allen: What was that, Manka?

Khan Manka: I said, ‘Fuck that shit, Herb.’ I speak for my fellow moguls when I say we are all too hungover for this crap. I choose spa treatments, too!

At that moment, Sheryl Sandberg ran up and fell into the line of moguls.

Sheryl Sandberg: Sorry, I’m late. I had a 5:00 a.m. conference call with China. I’m ready.

Les Moonves: Oooh… We do business with China, too, Facebook lady. Big deal.

Tim Armstrong: (to Sheryl, pointing to his ear) – I’m on a call right now but I was on time.

Sheryl Sandberg: Hi, Tim, I wanted to ask you about Patch. How’s that going?

Tim Armstrong: Oh, no, you didn’t!

Herb Allen blows his whistle and screamed for everyone to calm down. He then explained why we were all there. He has started a ridiculous new annual tradition called “Mogulympics”…

Herb Allen: (he continued) … this competition is designed to encourage physical fitness among our most elite moguls. Because a flabby mogul is less likely to adapt to change. Flabby moguls tend to be more lazy and set in their ways. Flabby moguls are not the future leaders of media.

Harvey Weinstein: (smoking) – Suck it, Herb.

Herb Allen: How the hell did you wrangle an invite this year, Weinstein? You’re not even a mogul anymore.

Harvey Weinstein: “King’s Speech” – Academy Award. Scoreboard, bitch.

Things sort of degenerated from there. More fighting, more snippy little remarks about old media from the new media and tech people…

Finally, Herb got everyone onto the field and the first Mogulympics began.

I won’t do a blow-by-blow account of all the competitions as I am due to serve on a panel with Bob Iger and Steve Burke on how best to preserve our core businesses while growing new businesses.

(Here’s what I say: “MAKE GOOD CONTENT THAT PEOPLE WANT TO BUY!” – end of panel discussion. Let’s go drink.)

——————————————————————————

HERE ARE THE HIGHLIGHTS (there were only four events – more to be added each year):

High Jump: Winner – Jeffrey Katzenberg – final height – 4′ 3″. Jon Miller should have won but he kept trying to extend into the Chinese splits while going over the bar.

Long Jump: Winner – Jason Kilar – final distance – 8′ 2″ (but it’s possible his medal will be acquired by another mogul – ha!). This event was Rupert’s best chance to get a medal but he kept fouling. He seemed distracted.

400 Meters: Winner – Sheryl Sandberg (untimed). Bob Iger was in position to win it until someone in the pack made a crack to Sheryl about ‘the glass ceiling’ and she took off like a gazelle, crushing the field. I walked the final 350 meters with Harvey. He tried to convince me that he wasn’t overweight no matter how much he smokes, drinks and eats every day .

100 Meters: Winner – Sheryl Sandberg (untimed). You know, moguls just can’t run – and probably shouldn’t try. And by this point in the competition most of us had stopped participating and were on our phones. Sheryl beat Mark Pincus (though he forgot his tennis shoes and was only wearing flip-flops), Jeff Weiner and Andrew Mason of Groupon.

Sheryl Sandberg was named Herb Allen’s Top Mogul Athlete of the Conference and received a trophy similar to the picture above. For her victory she will receive an automatic invite to next year’s conference to defend her title.

When it was all over and we had thoroughly embarrassed ourselves in front of each other, I quickly retreated to the Great Hall of the Moguls dining room and ate a pound of bacon.

The women who chose the spa treatment option (Oprah, Diane Von Furstenberg, etc.) were lounging in bath robes, drinking coffee, having a leisurely breakfast. The sort of thing moguls should be doing.

That was my morning. I can’t wait to see what the rest of the day will bring.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 5, 2011July 8, 2011

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – Day 1

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference 2011

Day 1 — Day 2 – Day 2.5 – Day 3

DAY 1 – TUESDAY AFTERNOON UPDATE:

My plane landed safely at Friedman Airport. I was picked up on the tarmac by a self-driving Google car. This scared the shit out of me, especially when I sat in the back and was greeted with a video of Sergey Brin asking me “Where do you want to go today, Khan?” I told the Sergey screen to take me immediately to The Drankin’ Hole at the Sun Valley Lodge. The Google car performed pretty well in mid-day traffic (Idaho traffic) – though the small talk conversation with the Sergey video screen was a little forced.

I am now safely at The Drankin Hole and have ordered two dirty martinis from my favorite bartender in the world – Bin Tran. Philippe Dauman is at the other end of the bar talking to himself. I don’t want to interrupt.

———————————————————————————————

DAY 1 – TUESDAY MORNING

Good morning.

OK, so I decided (after a couple of long, late night conversations with Sumner Redstone) that I would attend Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference again this year.

After last year’s conference (an absolute drunken freak fest), I vowed never to attend again. On top of that, I’m still recovering from my horrifying keynote address to the Bilderberg Conference last month in Switzerland.

But then I received Herb’s child-like invitation a few weeks ago (see left) – and it was so charming, like a 3-year-old’s birthday party invitation – that I started to change my mind.

Believe me, a child-like mentality is what is necessary for a conference like this. It’s all bullshit, you know, and if you don’t come in with an absolute open mind, what’s the point of any of it, right?

Sumner will not be attending and that makes me a little sad but, deep down, that’s fine because I’m fairly young (in mogul years) and don’t want to be linked with that dinosaur forever. I mean, Rupert is bad enough – put Rupert and Sumner together and it’s time to break out the knitting shawls and crank up the heat.

The other night Sumner was talking about how great Cinemascope was and I just had to get off the phone. Dig up Carl Laemmle or my dad if you want to talk about that shit, old man. Leave me out of it. I’m into digital now, loser.

But I digress…

So, yes, I am heading up to Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference and will be posting updates as much as I possibly can – depending on my state of inebriation.

I feel it is my duty as Chairman & CEO of the World’s Largest Media Company to attend this very important conference (at least in Herb’s mind) for the sake of my stockholders and board of directors.

I’ve been told to bring comfortable clothes, really good workout shoes and as many Dramamine as I can fit in my bag. I’m not sure what that last order meant – but I’ll abide it all the same – Herb is God up there and you don’t want to fuck with God.

So, another Sun Valley fest is upon us. May Herb have mercy on us all.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

May 24, 2011June 11, 2015

Rupert Murdoch’s Special Charity

Allen & Company retreat, Anne Mulcahy, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Bobby Kotick, Carol Bartz, Charlie Rose, Cory Booker, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Erin Burnett, Gina Bianchini, Harvey Weinstein, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jean-Bernard Levy, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, John Donahue, Ken Auletta, Khan Manka, Lachlan Murdoch, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lionel Barber, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marc Andreessen, Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Martin Sorrell, Mathias Dopfner, Mike Bloomberg, Niall FitzGerald, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Wiesenthal, Robert L. Johnson, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, Tom Freston, Tom Friedman, Ursula Burns, Vivi Nevo, Warren Buffett, World's Largest Media Company

Rupert Murdoch hosted a charity benefit over the weekend in his North Hollywood apartment.

I was expecting a man of his wealth and power to have a nicer place in Los Angeles. He said keeping his living expenses down is the only reason he has stayed in business during the worst economy since the Dutch Tulip Bubble Burst in 1637.

We all agreed the Dutch Tulip Bubble Burst in 1637 was indeed a bleak time.

Rupert almost came to blows with Sumner Redstone after making a crack that Sumner had witnessed it first hand.

It’s fine to live in a crappy one bedroom apartment in the middle of one of the most crime-ridden, seedy neighborhoods in L.A. – but the cement block and plywood bookshelves were just too much to believe.

But we weren’t there for furniture, we were there for charity – and that was the important thing.

For many years, Rupert has been involved in the charity Moguls Find Lost Kittens (or M.I.L.K.). He started it after his son, Lachlan, lost his kitten, Joey, when he was 17 years old and wouldn’t stop crying, screaming and sucking his thumb.

Rupert vowed to find Joey and launched a charity in the process called Murdoch Finds Lost Kittens (also M.I.L.K.). (It was changed to “Moguls” after Jeffrey Immelt and Sumner Redstone heard about it and also wanted to get involved. Legend has it they both had traumatic childhoods that involved lost kittens.)

The party was okay. The food not bad. I didn’t realize it was BYOB so I had to bum a couple of beers from Sheryl Crow, who was the evening’s entertainment. There wasn’t room in the apartment for her band – so she just did a few songs on acoustic guitar.

After we all had some Doritos and cubes of cheddar cheese, Rupert stood in front of the crammed gathering in his living room. Most were sitting on the floor or the window sill. I got the couch because I had to put my foot up due to a flare up of my injured ankle.

Rupert waited for silence. Bob Iger was getting pretty drunk on the two bottles of 1997 Opus One that he brought [he didn’t share] and wouldn’t stop yakking about the Pirates of the Caribbean international box office. Okay, okay – it was good – shut the F up! You don’t hear me bragging about Manka Bros.’ successes.

When it was quiet, Sheryl Crow started to play softly on the guitar and Rupert held up a picture of a kitten: “This is Joey. In 1988, my son, Lachlan, lost this kitten and nearly committed suicide. I vowed on that day to find all the lost kittens of the world. It is a monumental task. A far bigger task than building a media empire. Everyone in this room knows how to do that. But we don’t know how to find all the lost kittens. Will you join me in this effort?”

Terry Semel and LinkedIn CEO Jeff Weiner were completely overcome with emotion and inconsolable.

In fact, we were all visibly moved. And we all got out our checkbooks.

Rupert Murdoch is a great friend. And a great man.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

May 19, 2011January 10, 2012

Social Networks Are Dead

Jeff Weiner, Nick Besbeas, Steve Cadigan, Mike Gamson, David Henke, Robby Kwok, Deep Nishar, Erika Rottenberg, Steve Sordello, Reid Hoffman, Allen Blue, Konstantin Guericke, Eric Ly, jean-Luc Vaillant, A George "Skip" Battle, Leslie Kilgore, Stanley Meresman, Michael J. Moritz, David Sze, Mark Zuckerberg, Sheryl Sandberg, Accel Partners, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Chris Hughes, David Kirkpatrick, Dustin Moskovitz, Eduardo Saverin, Gerald Levin, Greylock Partners, HBO, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Zucker, Jill Kennedy, Joanna Shields, Jon Miller, Khan Manka, Li Ka-shing, Manka Bros., Mark Cuban, Mark Zuckerberg, Matt Cohler, MySpace, Nicolas Carlson, OnMedea, Owen Van Natta, Paul Buchheit, Peter Thiel, Rupert Murdoch, Sheryl Sandberg, Sumner Redstone, Toy Story 3

You social media punks make me sick!

It’s time for those of us in old media to fight back so we can return to making films and TV shows like the old days.

You people need to realize that fragmentation blows and loss of creative control for the studios sucks.

Manka Bros. has been entertaining the world for over 90 years and you don’t see people screaming and crying to buy our stock! It’s a fucked up system!

New media and all this social networking bull shit is really screwing with what we do best and I’ve had it!

So – LinkedIn had a splashy IPO and is now valued at around $10 billion. (UPDATE: Thank God Groupon and Zynga flopped!)

Considering the insignificance of this crappy little social network (“Next year we may have zero earnings! Whoo-hoo!”), I would peg Manka Bros.’ current valuation (regardless of our current stock price, goddamn it!) at around $1 trillion dollars!

Sounds crazy, right? But at least Manka Bros. makes stuff that people actually want.

Seriously, what the hell do you do on LinkedIn? Meet other people on LinkedIn? Send messages to strangers in the hope they will put you in their “network”?

In Hollywood, this is called stalking.

I have every message that is sent to me filtered by three people. Even someone like Bob Iger hardly ever gets through. I just can’t be bothered – I’M RUNNING THE WORLD’S LARGEST MEDIA COMPANY FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!

And if I need to hire someone (which I believe is a key function of LinkedIn), I will just bring in someone from my family or one my friends’ families. You think I’m going to hire someone from a website?

And if you Silicon Valley freaks keep trying to tell us in Hollywood how to run our businesses, me, Bob Iger, Rupert Murdoch and Sumner Redstone will shut the internet down and ship you nerds off to our MIS departments in Poland.

Or, even better, Manka Bros.’ ‘Facebook Killer’ (Caligula) will launch and make you all insignificant overnight! (We just have a few bugs to work out.)

So… to the newly-minted millionaires at LinkedIn, all I can say is ‘Congratulations and … SELL SELL SELL!’

To the future millionaires (and billionaires) at Facebook, Twitter, Groupon and all those other ridiculous websites, I say ‘good luck’ – I hope LinkedIn didn’t ruin it for the rest of you by manipulating the valuation so much that it scares off future investors.

And, finally, to all the strangers out there who would like to be my Friend on Facebook, please send me a request, I can’t wait to see pictures of the new baby.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

March 26, 2011September 29, 2014

Manka Bros. To Launch Facebook Killer

UPDATE: Due to the moron dorks at my company who can’t seem to code worth a shit – Caligula has been pushed back to late 2018 (though the following announcement reflecting the excitement surrounding the release remains the same).

Good morning.

This is a very exciting day.

Today, with the full power of the World’s Largest Media Company behind me, I announce Facebook’s reign over the world’s hearts and minds is coming to a horrible, bloody end!

No longer will creepy 50 year olds spend hours every day buying little pigs for their digital farms.
No longer will last night’s drunken photos greet you first thing in the morning (posted by the one asshole in your group who didn’t drink).
No longer will we all have to stare at the same goddamned sunrise on the mastheads of everyone’s Timeline.
Oh, yeah, and no longer will your personal information be sold to major media corporations like my own just so we can push our next stupid movie into your news feed. [Manka Bros. Corporate Disclaimer: This last point is TBD.]

No, World, Manka Bros. is your only Friend now – because CALIGULA IS COMING TO SAVE YOU FROM THE SOUL SUCKAGE THAT IS FACEBOOK!

Unfortunately, this morning I can only share with you the proposed logo (see image) and the promise that, yes, indeed, Caligula will kill Facebook.

How?

Through superior engineering, an unmatched global marketing infrastructure and a deep pocketed parent company that isn’t afraid to lose a few Billion to win this fight!

While I can’t give out any details of this exciting new platform, I can assure you that Caligula is already six times better than Facebook. When it launches, it will be over ten times better.

Mankaneers from 175 countries have been working around the clock for several years preparing for this war.

The ultimate battle for your free time will be joined in 2011 (make that 2012).

Won’t you join us?

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

January 6, 2011January 6, 2012

The Future Is Last Year – CES 2011 Keynote – Khan Manka, Jr.

Good morning.

First off, to all of my friends who are badly hungover this morning – I’m told the Circus Circus Buffet will clean out your system pretty well.

And to all my friends who are still drunk from last night [there are some claps and hoots from the audience] – well done – but pace yourselves, gentlemen and ladies, there are three more drunken days yet to go.

Especially you, Bob Iger! [Bob Iger, in the front row, howls like a wolf.]

Last night, we were at Caesar’s drinking on Cleopatra’s Barge and Bob said he was going to close the place down. I had to remind him it was a casino in Vegas and they don’t close!

Anyway, let’s get started.

How about a joke? What do you call someone who was a nerd in high school but went on to makes billions in technology and basically changed the way we live our lives? A nerd.

I’m not here today as an ally to the consumer electronics industry. Frankly, you can all F yourselves. I’m here to say to all you geeks and computer dorks who think you can tell Hollywood how to entertain the world that today HOLLYWOOD FIGHTS BACK!

I don’t give a shit about your new phone. I don’t give a shit about the “digital cloud” you built to hold all my media files – if you guys really want to be useful, develop a killer App that will clean and organize my garage. And I don’t give a shit about being able to perfectly simulate a Vietnam jungle battle in my family room.

Seriously, why do I need a new phone and new television every fucking year?

When I was a growing up in the 1960s we had one innovation – color television. That lasted us 20 years until we had a VCR that could play tapes of movies. That lasted us 20 years until we had DVD players that could play DVDs of movies.

If you freakin’ tech idiots would have left well and good alone, we Hollywood studios would still be raking in billions from DVD sales and my friend Sumner Redstone wouldn’t have to sell his blood and plasma just to pay the rent. That’s a joke, he actually has other people sell their blood and plasma to pay his rent.

So today, on behalf of Manka Bros. – The World’s Largest Media Company – and my studio mogul brethren, I ask the consumer electronics industry to STOP THE INNOVATION.

Stop making my toaster check the traffic before I leave home.

Stop telling the world which bars and prostitutes I have visited.

Stop having these pointless trade shows that only exist so that media executives can act like they’re working but are actually just partying in Vegas [many ‘boos’ from the crowd].

Imagine the turnout CES would have if it were held in Akron every year.

Stop everything you’re doing and let us premium content creators go back to doing what we do best – entertaining the world.

Don’t you morons understand we just want to make movies and television shows? It’s killing us to constantly spend our time reconfiguring formats to fit the new phone in our hand or the chip in the back of our brains.

We just want it to be 2003 again. So either join us or get the fuck out of our way because we are going backwards and will do everything it takes to do things the way we have always done them. Capisce?

Google, Microsoft and Facebook are not the studios of the future. Audiences can only watch so many movies about computer nerds who save the world and date robot women.

Questions?

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

September 24, 2010May 2, 2011

Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer Jeff Zucker A Job

Allen & Company retreat, Anne Mulcahy, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bill Bradley, Bob Iger, Bobby Kotick, Brian Grazer, Brian Roberts, Candice Bergen, Carol Bartz, Charlie Rose, Chase Carey, Chris Silbermann, Cory Booker, Diane Von Furstenberg, Don Graham, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Eisner, Eric Schmidt, Erin Burnett, George Bodenheimer, Gina Bianchini, Gordon Crawford, Haim Saban, Hank Vigil, Harvey Weinstein, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jean-Bernard Levy, Jeff Berg, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Bezos, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Jim Berkus, Jim Gianopulos, Jim Robinson, John Donahue, Jon Miller, Jonathan Dolgen, Ken Auletta, Ken Chenault, Khan Manka, Lachlan Murdoch, Lady Gaga, Larry Page, Leslie Moonves, Lionel Barber, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marc Andreessen, Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Martin Sorrell, Mathias Dopfner, Michael Ovitz, Mike Bloomberg, Niall FitzGerald, Owen Van Natta, Patt Morrison, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Rachael Ray, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Wiesenthal, Robbie Bach, Robert L. Johnson, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Burke, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, Tim Armstrong, Tom Freston, Tom Friedman, Tom Glocer, Tom Rothman, Ursula Burns, Vivi Nevo, Warren Buffett, World's Largest Media Company

I have sold my Comcast stock.

Frankly, I am stunned at today’s announcement that Jeff Zucker has been fired by Steve Burke at Comcast. Little Stevie Burke (who was a Manka Bros. intern years ago in our Publishing Group) has some balls on him. He’s not even Jeff Zucker’s boss yet and he pulled the trigger on the firing.

My great old friend Brian Roberts doesn’t know what a treasure he has lost today. It’s a crazy world when someone like Jeff Zucker doesn’t have a media empire to run. I would call Brian on Jeff’s behalf to urge him to overrule Steve Burke, but I’m just too busy.

Well, JZ, even though Comcast Universal (which will still be smaller than Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company) doesn’t have a place for you after the merger, Manka Bros. DOES have a place for you. I would like to offer you a job anywhere you want in the organization. Check our Senior Management roster and pick the job you would like.

Manka Bros. has so underperformed this year, nearly every job is up for grabs (with the exception of Lloyd Grohl). Just give me a 24 hour heads up and I’ll fire whomever you wish to replace.

Though based on your track record, personally, I would prefer you stayed away from our television group – but, really, beggars can’t be choosers, right?

I know you’re hurting right now and probably inconsolable and crying but just remember all the good times we’ve had from Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Retreat, to the lobster boil with Peter Chernin – lots of great times.

The party would continue and never stop if you joined our organization. The whole thing just breaks my heart and I only wish to God Manka Bros. would have acquired NBC Universal when we had the chance just so that you would still have a job.

I know everyone thinks you’re an asshole (welcome to the club!) but your accomplishments at NBC cannot be ignored – from the hiring of Ben Silverman to the way you handled the Jay Leno/Conan situation – NBC is in great shape and will only get stronger after you leave. You can hold your head up!

So, think about it. Take a couple of years, climb a mountain, backpack around Europe. Hopefully, at least, GE will cash out your vacation time. If not, and you need a low interest loan until you get back on your feet, just let me know.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

September 1, 2010May 3, 2011

Vanity Fair Can Suck It

Adrienne Gaffney, Alan Deutschman, Amy Wells, Andrew Stanton, Andrew Wylie, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bernard Arnault, Bil Gross, Bill Keller, Biz Stone, Bob Dodd, Bob Iger, Brad Bird, Brian Grazer, Brian Roberts, Chairman's Blog, Chris Meledandri, Christ Albrect, Christ Anderson, David Tepper, David Zaslav, Debi Chirichella, Drew Schutte, Duff McDonald, Elena DeGiuli, Eric Schmidt, Evan Williams, Frank Rich, George Bodenheimer, Graydon Carter, Gretchen Morgenson, Harvey Weinstein, Howard Stringer, J.J. Abrams, Janie Bryant, Jann Weiner, Jason Kilar, jason Wagenheim, Jeanne Milligan, Jeff Bezos, Jeff Skoll, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Jessica Flint, Jessica Jones, Jill Kennedy, John Lasseter, John Malone, Jonathan Ive, Judd Apatow, Kellie A. MacAloon, Khan Manka, Lady Gaga, Larry Fink, Larry Page, Leslie Moonves, Loren Malenchek, Lorne Michaels, Manka Bros., Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Matt Blank, Matthew Weiner, Michael Lombardo, Mike Fisher, Nikki Finke, OnMedea, Oprah Winfrey, Pam Dolby, Patrick Wachsberger, Peter Docter, Peter Newcomb, Peter Zuckerman, Philippe Dauman, Richard Plepler, Richard Siklos, Rob Friedman, Robert Thomson, Ronald Perelman, Rupert Murdoch, Ryan Kavanaugh, Ryan Murphy, S.I. Newhouse, Sarah Chubb, Sarah Herring, Sean Parker, Selim Mataracci, Sergey Brin, Seth MacFarlane, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Burke, Steve Jobs, Sue Naegle, Tom Freston, Vivi Nevo, Warren Buffett, World's Largest Media Company

Good evening from the Seychelles.

While I wasn’t planning on contacting anyone except the bartender during my final vacation of the summer, this morning I was forwarded the 2010 Vanity Fair 100 List. Most people consider this list to be an annual ranking of the world’s most powerful media moguls – I consider this list to be shit.

WHY THE FUCK AM I NOT ON THIS LIST?!

We live in a media world dominated by Manka Bros. From the multiplex to the television to the newstand to the internet to every freakin’ handheld device, the people of the world simply cannot avoid Manka Bros. and yet we have been ignored… again.

Frankly, I am shocked that the writers of this story and the publisher of this magazine had the balls to make this grave error in judgment. I think I know why it happened, I just can’t believe that the people who put this bullshit list together would sacrifice their professional integrity over a personal vendetta.

It is simply unconscionable that Lady Gaga, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Ryan Kavanaugh (!!!!), Bob Iger and Barry Diller are on this list – yet I have been left off. Don’t get me wrong, I could care less about this stupid little list. You can’t rank moguls!

Perhaps a little backstory is necessary on how we got to where we are today.

I have known Graydon Carter (Editor-in-Chief of Vanity Fair) for nearly 40 years. We were in a tap and jazz dance class in Hollywood in the late 1960s before I rebelled against my father (the great asshole studio mogul Harry Manka) and turned to rock and roll where I founded the awesome power rock trio known as King Khan.

Due to my severe drug intake during those years, I don’t remember much… but I do remember Graydon kept hounding me to pitch my dad some idiotic movie idea which combined tap dancing and space exploration. I refused and we didn’t talk for many years.

In the mid-1980s (after I had taken over as Chairman & CEO of Manka Bros.), I had a dream about tap dancing astronauts and immediately called Graydon and asked if his idea was still available. It wasn’t.

Turns out, he had recently sold “Black Hole Time Step” (or whatever the hell it was) to Golan-Globus for $3 million (all cash in a suitcase). That movie was later completely rewritten and became Death Wish 4: The Crackdown… but I digress.

To make a long story short, after the recession hit in 2008 and everyone eventually declared print media dead, I made a hostile bid for Conde Nast (parent company of Vanity Fair) from its parent company – Advance Publications – for $8 million. Even though the publishing industry was extremely challenged, I figured for the right price it would be a good fit nestled within the Manka Bros. Publishing Group.

Advance Publications Chairman & CEO S.I. Newhouse told me to ‘GO F MYSELF’.

I decided to take the high road from that remark and raised my bid to $8,000,100 and told S.I. to use that extra $100 to pay for the movers to clear out his office. I never heard back and here we are today.

Obviously, my old friend Graydon is afraid for his job and knew putting me on the Vanity Fair 100 list would not be looked on favorably by his ultimate corporate boss – Mr. Newhouse.

But things tend to even out over time. I have instructed our in-house media watchdog Jill Kennedy – Editor-in-Chief of OnMedea – to start putting together our own little list.

I’m thinking of calling it: THE MANKA 100 – Top 100 Failures In Media.

Hmmm… where should I start?

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company