The Three Musketeers [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, The Three Musketeers, Paul W. S. Anderson, Alex Litvak, Andrew Davies, Alexandre Dumas, Matthew Macfadyen, Milla Jovovich, Luke Evans, Helen George, Christian Oliver, Ray Stevenson, Til Schweiger, Markus Brandl, Orlando Bloom, Logan Lerman, Dexter Fletcher, Jane Perry, Mads Mikkelsen, Andy Gathergood, Ben Moor, Susanne Wolff, Christoph Waltz, Freddie Fox, Carsten Norgaard, Issiah Michalski, Gabriella Wilde, James Corden, Juno Temple, Nina Eichinger, Max Cane, Gode Benedix, Hannes Wegener, Iain McKee, Horst Kiss, Gudrun Meinke, Victoria Koestler, Yvonne Pajonowski, Florian Bruckner, Jeremy Bolt, Christoph Fisser, Rory Gilmartin, Robert Kulzer, Martin Moszkowicz, Christine Rothe, Silvia Tollmann, Charlie Woebcken, Paul Haslinger, Glen MacPherson, Alexander Berner, Suzanne Smith, Paul D. Austerberry, Nigel Churcher, Hucky Homberger, Pierre-Yves Gayraud, Christpoher Berg, Miki Emmrich, Jens Enderling, Jamie Christopher, Simon Downes, Nick Powell, Zoltan Toth, Jurgen Thiel, Michael Miller, David Fix, Ken McCuen, Brian Danner, Don Lee, Nick Powell, Clarissa Cody, Jan Luo, Josef Brandmaier, Manfred Burger, Sara Crompton, Brian Danner, Jurgen Jerschi, Irene Kainz, Ellie Kemps, Peter Rutkat, Lena Schmigalla, Silke Werner, Bernd EichingerThe Three Musketeers

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

No!  NO!!!

Bad Hollywood!

Bad!

It is no longer summer.

You cannot, now in the fall, return like a dog to your own vomit.

This movie was made before – and once good!  Oliver Reed, Michael York, and Faye Dunaway (before she got a case of uglies and olds) had the awesome.

Now?

Bad Hollywood!

Assholes.

So here we are, another old ham is warmed up again, this time there are “The Three Musketeers” by Alexander Dumas.

The last film, “The Musketeer”, it was almost 10 years ago, but the film flopped at the box office and flopped with lack of talent.

Now dares Paul W.S. Anderson (“Resident Evil”, “Alien vs. Predator”) to the project financed by and seen in Germany.  Visually everything seems to be running quite well, but the catastrophic scale of production falls with the latest sighting of the film itself.  And since you must see a film to experience it – well, now it sucks for sure.

The good first – visually, “The Three Musketeers” pretty well… pretty.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, The Three Musketeers, Paul W. S. Anderson, Alex Litvak, Andrew Davies, Alexandre Dumas, Matthew Macfadyen, Milla Jovovich, Luke Evans, Helen George, Christian Oliver, Ray Stevenson, Til Schweiger, Markus Brandl, Orlando Bloom, Logan Lerman, Dexter Fletcher, Jane Perry, Mads Mikkelsen, Andy Gathergood, Ben Moor, Susanne Wolff, Christoph Waltz, Freddie Fox, Carsten Norgaard, Issiah Michalski, Gabriella Wilde, James Corden, Juno Temple, Nina Eichinger, Max Cane, Gode Benedix, Hannes Wegener, Iain McKee, Horst Kiss, Gudrun Meinke, Victoria Koestler, Yvonne Pajonowski, Florian Bruckner, Jeremy Bolt, Christoph Fisser, Rory Gilmartin, Robert Kulzer, Martin Moszkowicz, Christine Rothe, Silvia Tollmann, Charlie Woebcken, Paul Haslinger, Glen MacPherson, Alexander Berner, Suzanne Smith, Paul D. Austerberry, Nigel Churcher, Hucky Homberger, Pierre-Yves Gayraud, Christpoher Berg, Miki Emmrich, Jens Enderling, Jamie Christopher, Simon Downes, Nick Powell, Zoltan Toth, Jurgen Thiel, Michael Miller, David Fix, Ken McCuen, Brian Danner, Don Lee, Nick Powell, Clarissa Cody, Jan Luo, Josef Brandmaier, Manfred Burger, Sara Crompton, Brian Danner, Jurgen Jerschi, Irene Kainz, Ellie Kemps, Peter Rutkat, Lena Schmigalla, Silke Werner, Bernd EichingerFilming took place in the most beautiful castles and towns in Bavaria, so that the settings are very successful, but old.  The costumes, designed by the designer (!) Pierre-Yves Gayraud, adapt successfully to the visual style.

Technically, the effect was at natural environments now and then, just when you see villages from the air, which often looks very nice.

Up close, they are dirty and smell.

The action scenes, of which there are plenty, are also staged quite well overall, even if Paul W.S. Anderson, it is like to exaggerate (he doesn’t have to exaggerate his wife, Milla Jovovich – she is hot – zing!).

Whether you can get used to his style, everyone should decide for themselves (or I can decide for you – let me know in the comments), but you who have a problem with slow motion matrix effects will barf.  In a historical film, will then probably it will interfere with that – the matrix effects, not the barfing.

People barfed in the past.

Although the film has to offer some nice visual display values and also a prominent cast, Anderson still fails, something coherent, functioning to construct as a whole.

Where should we start?

Anderson lacks any fine feeling for how to combine individual components and to create certain values, so that you can absolutely not take the film seriously.

As before, this is the fall!  Films are now to be serious!  Asshole.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, The Three Musketeers, Paul W. S. Anderson, Alex Litvak, Andrew Davies, Alexandre Dumas, Matthew Macfadyen, Milla Jovovich, Luke Evans, Helen George, Christian Oliver, Ray Stevenson, Til Schweiger, Markus Brandl, Orlando Bloom, Logan Lerman, Dexter Fletcher, Jane Perry, Mads Mikkelsen, Andy Gathergood, Ben Moor, Susanne Wolff, Christoph Waltz, Freddie Fox, Carsten Norgaard, Issiah Michalski, Gabriella Wilde, James Corden, Juno Temple, Nina Eichinger, Max Cane, Gode Benedix, Hannes Wegener, Iain McKee, Horst Kiss, Gudrun Meinke, Victoria Koestler, Yvonne Pajonowski, Florian Bruckner, Jeremy Bolt, Christoph Fisser, Rory Gilmartin, Robert Kulzer, Martin Moszkowicz, Christine Rothe, Silvia Tollmann, Charlie Woebcken, Paul Haslinger, Glen MacPherson, Alexander Berner, Suzanne Smith, Paul D. Austerberry, Nigel Churcher, Hucky Homberger, Pierre-Yves Gayraud, Christpoher Berg, Miki Emmrich, Jens Enderling, Jamie Christopher, Simon Downes, Nick Powell, Zoltan Toth, Jurgen Thiel, Michael Miller, David Fix, Ken McCuen, Brian Danner, Don Lee, Nick Powell, Clarissa Cody, Jan Luo, Josef Brandmaier, Manfred Burger, Sara Crompton, Brian Danner, Jurgen Jerschi, Irene Kainz, Ellie Kemps, Peter Rutkat, Lena Schmigalla, Silke Werner, Bernd EichingerThis begins with the dialogues, which were written so stupidly that they deserve a prize (a Razzie?).  Not infrequently one will hold to your hand to head and wonder and hope you have not gone past the refund point.  Then when you realize that the characters are really just the idiocy have given of themselves, then even flies one of the next daft sayings from their mouths.

Some of it was meant to be but otherwise NOT funny.

Anyway, the shot backfired. !gnaB – Get it?

The names of the cast read although very promising, but only as long as you have not seen the movie, because then begins the shit-storm – the actor can not convince.

The only one who is still with blue eyes, really only Christoph Waltz, who here, but far below his potential and plays are vastly to puppet making, after all, but responsible for some good jokes, and brings just by his appearance a lot of presence. 

Milla Jovovich‘s costume has changed (she doesn’t need a costume, trust me – yowza!), but otherwise plays the same role as in her “Resident Evil”, Alice, the ass-kicking űber-babe. 

Ray Stevenson, Luke Evans and Matthew Macfadyen are in themselves a cool trio make their case quite well made.  The same applies to Mads Mikkelsen, who indeed alone with grim view a cool guy, but there is no chemistry, not even biology. 

Logan Lerman (“Percy Jackson”) as the fourth Musketeer serves as an identification figure for the viewer, but is nothing more than a greenhorn.  Then doing more than one actually buys it.  Acting-wise, he can not shine particularly, his repertoire of facial expressions is only two.

Happy, sad.

That is it.

Seriously.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, The Three Musketeers, Paul W. S. Anderson, Alex Litvak, Andrew Davies, Alexandre Dumas, Matthew Macfadyen, Milla Jovovich, Luke Evans, Helen George, Christian Oliver, Ray Stevenson, Til Schweiger, Markus Brandl, Orlando Bloom, Logan Lerman, Dexter Fletcher, Jane Perry, Mads Mikkelsen, Andy Gathergood, Ben Moor, Susanne Wolff, Christoph Waltz, Freddie Fox, Carsten Norgaard, Issiah Michalski, Gabriella Wilde, James Corden, Juno Temple, Nina Eichinger, Max Cane, Gode Benedix, Hannes Wegener, Iain McKee, Horst Kiss, Gudrun Meinke, Victoria Koestler, Yvonne Pajonowski, Florian Bruckner, Jeremy Bolt, Christoph Fisser, Rory Gilmartin, Robert Kulzer, Martin Moszkowicz, Christine Rothe, Silvia Tollmann, Charlie Woebcken, Paul Haslinger, Glen MacPherson, Alexander Berner, Suzanne Smith, Paul D. Austerberry, Nigel Churcher, Hucky Homberger, Pierre-Yves Gayraud, Christpoher Berg, Miki Emmrich, Jens Enderling, Jamie Christopher, Simon Downes, Nick Powell, Zoltan Toth, Jurgen Thiel, Michael Miller, David Fix, Ken McCuen, Brian Danner, Don Lee, Nick Powell, Clarissa Cody, Jan Luo, Josef Brandmaier, Manfred Burger, Sara Crompton, Brian Danner, Jurgen Jerschi, Irene Kainz, Ellie Kemps, Peter Rutkat, Lena Schmigalla, Silke Werner, Bernd EichingerParticularly bad is Orlando Bloom, whose appearance reminds me of transvestite and is totally miscast for the role.  His performance is incredibly bad, since the good acting he just can not attempt, even in a movie like this, where no one can convince, yet still he fails.  This is known as probably a brilliant performance in Opposite World.

Of course appears “The Three Musketeers” in 3D, just as is now common.  With “Resident Evil 4″ Anderson has proven that he knows how to use the 3D technology very well, but in the case of “The Three Musketeers” may safely be described using a rip-off.  Not only that, the effect is hardly noticeable.

Don’t pay for this 3D crap!  Or at least, keep the glasses.

That will learn them!

Assholes.

So, to conclude this suck-fest – Paul W.S. Anderson has done it – he has pulled a classic perfect and rubbed it in the mud.  Although the film is visually very well managed, provides reputable actors, it is just embarrassing the rest of time.

Both thumbs droop to the floor, like the sword in my dreams while fighting Zorro.

I have issues.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Reese Witherspoon, Water For Elephants, Robert Pattinson, Christoph Waltz, Paul Schneider, Jim Norton, Hal Holbrook, Mark Povinelli, Richard Brake, Stephen Monroe Taylor, Ken Foree, Scott MacDonald, James Frain, Sam Anderson, John Aylward, Brad Greenquist, Tim Guinee, Donna W. Scott, E.E. Bell, Kyle Jordan, Aleksandra Kaniak, Ilia Volok, Bruce Gray, Jim Jansen, James Keane, Ivo Nandi, Karynn Moore, Andrew Connolly, Doug McDougal, Tracy Phillips Rowan O'Hara, Water for Elephants, Tai, Uggie, Ice, Sita Acevedo, Danny Castle, Michael Coronas, Aloysia Gavre, Francis Lawrence, Andrew R. Tennenbaum, Erwin Stoff, Gil Netter, Kevin Halloran, Alan Edward Bell, Ana Maria Quintana, Chad Holmes, David Crank, Denise Chamian, Molly Allen, Sasha Veneziano, Kimmo MustonenenKimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S.  “Survivor” – wow!  In Finland, we would just say that Brandon Hantz had become with Snow Fever and then just shoot him through the head.  Better for humanity.  Make it so, Jeff Probst!

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Comments

  1. You have offended me, sir. You have offended my honor. I am going to shove your Finnish head right up your Finnish ass.

  2. Heavy G on October 21, 2011 at 12:07 am said:

    I doubt Aramis can Finnish. Get it?

  3. Ew. Trollish and incompetent at the same time. The people like this “author” shouldn’t be allowed to come near the comp keyboard. They think that everyone wants to see how despicable and pathetic they are. But I agree: you do have issues. A lot. And the main issue: you lack the sense of humor. Lester’s version was good? ROTFL. Thanks for the laugh at least on this point. Why the hell have I clicked on the link at all? Ah! I wanted to read about the movie that was actually good. I saw it and paid for it twice. You got your attention. Bye now.

  4. The Three Musketeers reviewed by Kimmo should be titled, “Dumb and Dumber.”

  5. Katttt on October 25, 2011 at 3:18 pm said:

    Kimmo,

    I loved your review! I can tell English is not your first language, but the fact that you keep your Finnish language idiosyncracies just makes the review better.

    You are hilarious and your review was perfect.

    One thing I personally would like to see is slow-motion special-effect barfing. Come on, they run, jump, and fight in slo-mo — why not slow-motion upchucking too?

    Bring it!

  6. Jesus what the fuck am I reading?

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