Behind The Proscenium – Behind the Proscenium

April 29, 2024April 29, 2024

Challengers [REVEW]

CHALLENGERS – Reviewed by Kyrle Lendhoffer

In “Challengers,” Director Luca Guadagnino merges the luminous talents of Zendaya, Mike Faist, and Josh O’Connor to navigate the labyrinth of human relationships with the finesse of a master artisan. Guadagnino delves deep into the recesses of the human psyche, uncovering the raw, primal impulses that propel his characters through the tangled thickets of desire and ambition.

Zendaya’s portrayal embodies an enigmatic allure, reminiscent of D.H. Lawrence’s heroines, oscillating between vulnerability and ferocity. Her character, with a magnetic pull akin to nature’s forces, draws Faist and O’Connor into a whirlwind of passion and uncertainty.

Faist, in his role, channels a familiar archetypal male figure: brooding, conflicted, and driven by a primal urge for dominance. His chemistry with Zendaya crackles with intensity, laying bare the volatile dynamics of power and submission.

O’Connor, in contrast, embodies a delicate balance between strength and fragility, echoing English Victorian novelist Anthony Trollope’s exploration of masculinity in flux. His character serves as a counterpoint to Faist, caught in the gravitational pull of Zendaya’s character, navigating the treacherous currents of love and ambition.

Guadagnino’s direction infuses every frame with a palpable sense of longing and desperation. Through his lens, the stark beauty of the natural world becomes a mirror to the inner turmoil of his characters, reflecting the primal instincts that drive them inexorably towards their fates.

“Challengers” is a cinematic symphony, orchestrated with the precision and depth of a D.H. Lawrence novel. It is a testament to the enduring power of desire and the human spirit, rendered with haunting beauty and unflinching honesty.

Kyrle Lendhoffer – Behind The Proscenium

April 5, 2024

Road House (Prime Video) [REVIEW]

ROAD HOUSE (PRIME VIDEO) – [REVIEW]

Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal

Director: Doug Liman

Okay, so I watch this remake on Amazon Prime.

First, let me say, it is like hot sauna on a cold winter night. You know, makes you sweat, but in a good way, like you’re alive.

This movie, it’s like if you took a big truck, filled it with mud, and then put some fireworks on top.

Boom!

That’s ‘Roadhouse’ for you. It’s all about this guy, tough as nails, walks into this small town, and suddenly, everything is on fire. And I mean that literally and figuratively.

The action, oh boy, it’s like watching a pack of angry bears fighting in the woods. You don’t know who’s gonna come out alive, but you can’t look away. The fight scenes are like a beautiful dance of destruction, choreographed by the gods of chaos.

Now, the story, well, it’s not exactly Shakespeare, but who needs fancy words when you got fists flying and motorcycles roaring? It’s about honor, revenge, and kicking butt. And let me tell you, they do a lot of butt-kicking in this movie.

The characters, they’re like something out of a wild west saloon. You got your heroes, your villains, and everything in between. And let me tell you, Patrick Swayze, rest his soul, he’s the heart and soul of this movie. His charisma could light up a whole town. And Jake Gyllenhaal is OK Joe as well.

Overall, ‘Roadhouse’ is like a shot of whiskey on a rough day – it burns, but it’s oh so satisfying.

So, if you’re looking for a wild ride with plenty of action and a sprinkle of old-school charm, then grab your popcorn and buckle up, because ‘Roadhouse’ is one hell of a ride.

Kimmo Mustonenen – Behind The Proscenium

April 5, 2024April 5, 2024

Beyoncé – Cowboy Carter [ALBUM REVIEW]

Good day. Behind the Proscenium is more of a theater and movie review website – but when Beyoncé does anything, and especially, when she puts out such a massive world-changing album, I felt I had to weigh in. So here is my review… [Kyrle Lendhoffer]

In Beyoncé’s latest auditory canvas, ‘Cowboy Carter,’ we witness the collision of disparate worlds, each painted with strokes of defiance and discord. Through the fractured lens of German Expressionism, Beyoncé plunges the listener into a phantasmagoric realm where the boundaries between reality and illusion blur, and the human psyche is laid bare.

The album unfolds like a fever dream, a kaleidoscopic odyssey through the desolate landscapes of the American West, where figures clad in cowboy attire roam amidst the shadows of towering mesas and barren plains. Beyoncé’s voice, at once haunting and ethereal, echoes through the empty expanse, weaving a tapestry of melancholy and yearning.

Yet, beneath the surface veneer of cowboy mythology lies a seething undercurrent of existential dread and societal decay. In tracks such as “American Anthem” and “Desert Eagle,” Beyoncé confronts the specter of mortality with raw intensity, her vocals reverberating like the anguished cries of lost souls adrift in the wilderness of the human condition.

The sonic palette of ‘Cowboy Carter’ is equally evocative, characterized by discordant melodies and dissonant harmonies that evoke the fractured psyche of the modern era. Industrial beats collide with mournful strings, creating a cacophony of sound that mirrors the tumultuous landscape of the soul.

In its thematic exploration, ‘Cowboy Carter’ delves into the existential abyss, grappling with the fundamental questions of existence and identity. Beyoncé confronts the oppressive forces of patriarchy and colonialism with unflinching resolve, challenging the hegemonic narratives that have long defined the American frontier.

Ultimately, ‘Cowboy Carter’ stands as a testament to Beyoncé’s artistic vision and uncompromising spirit. It is a haunting meditation on the human condition, rendered with the visceral intensity of a fevered dream.

Through her bold experimentation and avant-garde sensibilities, Beyoncé pushes the boundaries of popular music, inviting listeners to confront their own inner demons and embrace the ineffable beauty of the unknown.

Just kidding.

Kyrle Lendhoffer – Behind The Proscenium

November 18, 2017November 19, 2017

Justice League [REVIEW]

Justice League

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

There are things for the talking.

All involve dick wagging, dick tugging, boob grabbing, pussy wrangling, and tongue rehearsals.

Ick.

Hollywood, what up?

D.C., what up?

Alabama – you am just being Alabama I guess – if creepy old guy for Senate was dry humping his sister. That is totally of the Alabama.

There are too many to name.

And it is the suck of all sucks.

I now have the sads.

Until… JUSTICE LEAGUE!!!

First was the smoke.

The sweet, sweet smoke.

My brain said, “if that Superman-ending damn poop monster comes back (from B vs. S – Justice At Dawn), I’ll have a poop monster of my own making in my Loom Fruits!”

So I calmed my mind with numbness. And three shots of Kossu.

At 110 minutes I didn’t fear the urinal siren call. So down goes shot #4. Now I was ready.

First, Batman (Ben Affleck – uninvited butt grabber) is still Will Arnett (best Batman) and angsty. Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot) walks in leather pants until the shit (being Steppenwolf – 60s band but now bad guy from shit video game [Ciarán Hinds]) hits the fan as if monkey flung from monkey butt at school field trip while zoo-ing). He wants boxes to make his Mother.

It made sense.

This must be believed.

I mean, he came from space!

The flying monkeys (Oz style) come flying around, but there are no flying houses… wait, yes, there are!

So Batman wants to put a band together.

He finds Aquadude (Khal Drogo) and a self-described Jew who is also The Flash (Ezra Miller).

Then there is (I think) a Transformer called Cyborg (Ray Fisher). He plugs in to more shit than R2-D2.

Yes, that is possible.

There is wit, flung like the fan hitting poop (thanks, Joss Whedon).

This is a “not so dark” DC movie.

And it was awesome-sauce!

Why is this a saying?

And, also, “amaze-balls.”

Why?

Both words are banned from my world.

You are welcome!

What I mean, when said correctly, is two thumbs –

SPOILER ALERT!

“Up, up, and away!”

END SPOILER ALERT!

33% from Rotten Tomatoes is shit flying – water cannon style – from an enraged bull. I will see it again. My love for Gal Gadot is now equal to the love I had for Ginnifer Goodwin in the ancient past and the love I had for Gemma Arterton combined in to a love pile. My only chance for love fulfilling is to see her in IMAX.

Again.

And again Damn.

It is wonderful.

Kimmo Mustonenen – Behind The Proscenium – Manka Bros. Studios

P.S. Louis CK, you are a sick fuck. The internet was created for the porn! Use it!

P.P.S. Al, you were good enough, smart enough, and you still were pooch screwing. Idiot.

P.P.P.S. Who will be next? I will start a “Career Now Dead Pool Because of Sick Predatory Behavior”! Give me the answers that are yours of who is next in the comments!

June 24, 2016June 24, 2016

Independence Day: Resurgence [REVIEW]

Independence Day: Resurgence

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

“Kimmo, you were gone again. W in TF, crazy Finn?” You asked this of me.

My fingers now answer.

I could not write from the jail house.

We were too busy a singin’ that rock.

Baby!

Let’s rock!

I lie.

There is no mouth music out of my face in the big house.

Or even the little house… L.A. County.

That is where my time was because I had a case of the stalking. Not my fault – she was the one that made me the one that was doing the doing.

So pretty.

So smart.

Mine.

Maika Monroe – I will stay 300 foot from you, with the order that is restraining my love.

You say that the “It” in “It Follows” was named Kimmo.

If so, I am charged guilty – guilty of Goddess worshipping.

But then… then… your ding damn movie!

W in TF?

Oh Odin!

I tried for the drunkening.

I smoked the sweet, sweet smoke.

I, with accidental dumb, froze my nut bag with ice cream Bon-Bons (again! I hope my swimmers are still active).

But I must have to say – my IQ was shed of a good 50 points much like dog hairs falling in the heat wave.

IQ all over the sofa.

IQ all over my jacket.

IQ stuck in my butt crack.

“Independence Day: Resurgence” is so dumb, that dumb is smart to it.

How dumb?

OK!

Dumb plot?

Sure!

Will Smith has asked for so much cheddar that he is now just a portrait.

His son (Jessie T. Usher) is a mannequin that is also a pilot.

Judd Hirsh is still Jewing – his boat is floated by continent-sized alien frisbee into Nevada. Believing is total, really – only 90% of audience went “bulls are shitting here” when seeing this.

David Levinson (Jeff Goldblum) is still on meth twitchy – but his ex-wife from 20 years ago is a goner. Or she is now French (Charlotte Gainsbourg). There is no explanation.

The there is Mr. Sass (Liam Hemsworth) who is also hot shot top gun pilot guy. He can fly anything (as well as not kill puppies when listening to Miley Cyrus talk – maybe the deafness has saved his brain).

Data (Brent Spiner) who died in ID4 has beaten dead, but unlike Christ took longer than 3 days to be the groundhog. He is funny, and with it has many more smarts than the movie film.

President Whitmore (Bill Pullman) has a cane, so we know he is the crazy. His daughter (Maika, I forgive you, and will for every time you have me arrested – so stop with that doing of arresting, OK?) is hot and is good at piloting, too. And she and Liam are in the Mile High Club.

Hopefully. If I was Liam.

Pac-Man comes to the moon, but we are all “suck it, Pac-Man” and shoot him in the face. But… he has come to say that… they are coming… Space Invaders!!!

Ugh.

Same shi-ite, different movie.

More coincidences that can possibly be coincidental.

Everybody ends up somewhere where the rest of everybody is. Then the other bodies end up where they are at.

Then some are in the giant alien frisbee bigger than Antarctica.

Then they are not.

There are speeches.

There are ethnic people on the radios listening to the speeches and maybe the World Cup (all of us ethnics listen to futball on the radio – so you can recognize us as not you).

Explosions.

Pac-Man is really Pac-Girl.

Whaaaaaaat?!?

Damn.

I wonder who wins.

So.

Two thumbs, like the ice-box carrots that became mine three weeks ago and are limper now than little Kimmo in the jail shower (fear makes soft – fact), pointing dirt-ward.

I will have this movie on my eyes maybe once more – this fall – while drunk and high and trying to sleep and ID:R slithers up on the HBO.

I will blow kisses to Maika, squirt water from my eyes in love-pain, and like a tiny little girl cry myself to my sleeping place.

But for you? Go see “Swiss Army Man” – Harry Potter farting > Jeff Goldblum twitching. Fact.

Kimmo Mustonenen – Kimmo On Kino – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. What in the F, Great Britain? Now you are like Norway, but without pickled herring. And Norway without pickled herring is just Great Britain. Put that in your pipe and chew on it.

P.P.S. Maika, I forgive you… and will wait for you until Gemma Arterton’s next film. Then Gemma is mine. You have been warned! But I still forgive you.

March 25, 2016April 11, 2016

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice [REVIEW]

Batman v. Superman: Dawn Of Justice

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

What a returning for me.

Back to the cinema.

Back to finger thoughts on computers.

Back to Kossu (thank you Odin).

Time to write.

“Where was the Kimmo?” you may all have asked – at least 3,575 emailed to find where my life was. I was with the writer’s block.

The worst of all writer’s block that ever blocked. That block was named “sobriety.” They said “go to rehab.” I said “no, no, no.” Then they said “to rehab you go or your job is toast.”

I said “OK.”

A year goes by.

“Write, Kimmo” says the Boss Man. “How?” said I. My brain thoughts are stuck with no Kosso or sweet, sweet smoke.

Then I met Magda.

She was a Swede, so I was all “run away, she will eat your soul.” But her boobies were too perky and I was stuck with her love.

One night, afraid that she would strangle my neck in her sleep – (Finns and Swedes are like cats and dogs who have more hate than cats and dogs) – I snuck to the kitchen. In the freezer was Kossu. “Eff sobriety in the A!” I said – then gurgled the fire water into my gaping mouth hole. Then I found old green in a coat pocket – still smokeable.

I was buzzed, and kinda high… I was complete again.

So now, I am for writing – block gone!

Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice.

Wow.

What more to say?

Plot?

Do superheroes wear their underwear outside their pants? Damn straight!

Superman (Henry Cavill) is an alien illegally. He blowed up Gotham real good while bitch slapping General Zod (Michael Shannon) in previous movie, Steely Man.

This makes Batman (Ben Affleck) all like “you are an alien – if there’s even 1% chance that you might steal my car, I must 100% put my foot in your butt!”

Then Lex Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg) starts with the twitching like Katherine Hepburn. But without the good acting. He, like a junior high mean girl, wants Sup and Bat to fight!

Sup is busy trying to get busy with Lois Lane (Amy Adams). She keeps looking for news, but only finds that women are only to be saved.

Until Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot –hubba hubba!) comes along. She don’t need no saving. And she has a lasso!

Shit gets weird.

There is a kryptonic alien beast that looks like my Xbox had to this life traveled and then pooped out a giant monster.

There is fighting.

Sup flies to space with the kryptonic poop monster, then, when nuked, falls back to earth like a Malaysian airliner.

There are winners and losers.

And Jeremy Irons as a smarter Alfred.

That’s all you get from me – spoilers are for assholes, and my assholishness is at a low level – that’s for sure.

So, one drunken thumb happily up, another thumb stoned, also happy, also up.

Go see this movie, theater-style.

It is big and dumb, like Duane Johnson. But a lot better.

Be surrounded by geeks. And nerds. You will be so filled with movie love that you, too, may become a geeky nerd. So be it.

Don’t forget the sweet, sweet smoke. Trust me!

Kimmo Mustonenen – Kimmo On Kino – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. There were no random shots fired in people today on a mass scale in this country. Step up, America!

P.P.S. After The Drunkening, try to say Saoirse Ronan three times fast. It is unpossible.

HEAR KIMMO’S REVIEW RIGHT HERE:

March 20, 2015July 21, 2015

It Follows [REVIEW]

It Follows

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I am still thinking diseases.

First Disney Measles.

And now, something more worse – Shtup Monsters.

One is infecting you in the Disneyland, the other jumps the weenie (or Fort Cootchie if a woman-type) in the back seat of a car (or in parent’s basement – prison sex FTW!).

Yes, Shtup (thanks Jew friends for the word!) Monster.

Crotch Beasts.

Lumbering Junk Ghoul.

Herpes Walker.

Whatever you call it – “It Follows.”

Scariest movie of all time.

Because there is truth in the horror depiction of sex death.

Sex death isn’t having a hockey mask on the face and a machete. Sex death isn’t drowned kid at Camp Bone and Die. Sex death walks everywhere (like a hippy – or a DUI guy) and is usually naked.

And he/she never stops walking. Well, the walking stops when killing starts.

Damn.

Plot?

Oh.

My.

God.

There is a plot.

Jay (Maika Monroe) is sweet good girl who looks great in a one piece. She has friends. Nerd girl (Olivia Luccardi) who would be Daphne in Scooby Doo, Nerd Boy (Keir Gilchrist) who is a probable mix-tape master in 80’s movies, and her not as hot sister Kelly (Lili Sepe).

Jay gets the sex itch and makes the two backed beast with proto-frat boy Hugh (Jake Weary).

All is pretty flowers until Hugh uses hand roofies AFTER sex on Jay’s face and then is to tell poor Jay “I put a monster in your Secret Garden. You must throw this monster on another man’s pork. If you do not a naked woman will walk slowly at you until death.”

Yep.

That happens.

Then Jay and The Gang try to solve the mystery.

This movie is so the awesome that my mind is still scared. The rest of me, too.

Yet, I have horror questions.

Hollywood, are not all horror movies to be found footage? After Blair Witch Projecting, all the Paranorman Activity, Rec, the Cloverfield, and all of that jazzing – a real movie now?

Hollywood, you mess with my Kimmo head more than 3 liters of finest Kossu. But that is digressing.

SPOILER ALERTING!!! Maybe.

Now plot questions. Can Jay pass on death in girl on girl scissor action, or must jizz always be involved?

If Hugh just whacked into trusty sock, would Shtup Monster kill sock before Hugh?

Why is Sex Beast standing naked on the roof, smiling, like a naked on the roof Sex Beast?

SPOILING OVER!!!

So, wow.

Two thumbs up in the sky, afraid of the sex, but wanting all the same. Maika Monroe makes me want to hug her into safety. But only hugging. I have no wants for Phallus Fiend to bend me pretzel-like.

Go to this movie.

Drink, smoke, then lose your bone.

It is worth it.

Show this movie to horny teenagers. They will stop horning.

Kimmo Mustonenen – Kimmo On Kino – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Iowa State, you are my bracket breaker! I never hear of you until Wednesday, now I hate you losers with the heat of a million suns. There is nothing quite with the stupid as basketball has. Damn.

P.P.S. “The Returned” was better in France. French are creepy people – that is fact.

SEE KIMMO’S REVIEW:

March 13, 2015March 13, 2015

Cinderella [REVIEW]

Cinderella

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I have for a while, been away.

Not for purpose, but because damn dumb bad.

I had measles.

Not any measles.

Disneyland Measles.

Some disease child left his funk on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride and then I was with the infection. Or maybe it was stupid Tea Cups (they are good for nothing).

Damn. I was with icky red spots covered – as if a jar of jam had exploded and vaporized over my body – but not delicious.

All that was delicious was the Kossu I drank by the liter, putting out my jam inspired skin fire.

For weeks I got to think, “why were my parents in my baby pooping times dirty hippies living in North Finland commune?”

As is known to all not dirty hippies, they don’t put dead or weak viruses in their children. They are too high to worry about science. Or bathing. Or shaving arm pits.

But mainly science.

When my parents became clean and with jobs again and now being good society people (but still high) they forgot that I never had the only needle that I wanted for germ killing.

So, at the Happiest Place on Earth (no way really, best happy place is Six Flags “Now We Puke With Our New Hispanic Friends” Magic Mountain – just not on “Gang Night” – too many casualties) I get crappy Disneyland Measles.

And neither Kossu or the sweet, sweet smoke could made it OK.

But something just did make things OK.

Or someone.

And that someone was hot piece of 99% woman – she gave me the tingles. In my man place. And in my man mind.

She is Cinderella (Lily James).

Plot? Hells yeah, and more.

Lust and politics.

CGI mice.

Did I mention Lily James?

Poor Cinderella. She lives in Make Believe with Cool Dad (British Guy) and Hot Mom (British Chick).

In Make Believe, the 99% live in McMansions and have servants. But they want to be the 2%, like Prince Kit (Rob Stark).

Prince Kit’s Dad (Derek Jacobi) wants Kit to marry into the 1%.

When Cool Dad and Hot Mom die, Cinderella is forced to live with Stepmother (MILF Cate Blanchett) and Step Sisters (bitch face women from “Fashion Police”, I think).

Her new family is the suck.

Cinderella is so effed up she is talking to mice, a stag, some lizards, a bird, and (gasp) even the help.

One day, while out on a horse (that she is not talking to), she runs into Mr. Stag. He’s all like “Rob Stark wants to gut me” and Cinderella is all like “No way, Jose. Light that rocket in your ass and jet on out.”

Mr. Stag is all like “Don’t have to say that twice girlfriend” and bounces.

Rob Stark shows up and is all like “Damn, girl, you are fine! And nice. You are mine.”

Cinderella is all like (in her mind thoughts) “Mmmm, mmm, mmm – we are gonna be getting’ busy… in our married future which may never come.”

What happens next? Smoke the smoke, drink the drink, request Uber, and GO TO THE MULTIPLEX.

PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE: Always smoke, always drink, and always Uber. Kimmo approves of this message.

There are disappointments in Cinderella.

Rob Stark wears tight pants but they strap down his “Hamm-aconda” (Jon Hamm’s conjoined twin – groin beast – in “Mad Men” – it is legendary).

Now, it could be that Rob Stark isn’t packing… but we all know that is a damned liar lie. It would have been nice for the ladies.

So, I have two thumbs (and other things, I am winking at you with innuendo) straining to the CGI sky.

Cinderella is good.

No shit.

You may even have eye water leaks (damn romance stuff – maybe there was dust in the air).

See it, if you have a heart.

Kimmo Mustonenen – Kimmo On Kimmo – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “The 100!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Damn, Clarke. You are one stone cold-assed assassin. Now learn to forgive and go make out with Lexa. It is your destiny. And it will be appointment TV. At least in the house of Kimmo.

P.P.S. Pete Carroll, you are owning me $500. Passing on the 1? With two time outs and Marshawn Lynch? Huh. Really. There is in Seattle Aquarium a hermit crab named Marshawn Pinch. This is the truth. Marshawn Pinch would have from the 1 scored. Damn.

July 25, 2014July 29, 2014

Lucy [REVIEW]

Lucy

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Things that I, Kimmo, only use 10% of:

1) Muscles. Hard to be massive Super-Finn when keyboard is stuck to finger ends and I must drink Kossu and smoke for you people for the movies to know of watching or not. Hard work, but not of the muscle kind. Damn.

2) Jar of Pickled Herring. Damn stuff. Now that I am a burger eater (U.S.A.! U.S.A.!) that jar of heaven has turned in to jar of vinegar fish. Into the garbage, fish. My brain is hanging upside down.

3) Emotions. Until new love of my life – Tatiana Maslany – is made to me availability, I can only feel sulking and sad. 5% of each : ( Which is 10% in adding).

Now for some dumb: we all use all of our brains all of the time.

10% usage bullshit is 100% bullshit.

Yet 90% are little fool brains that go “OK! 10% it is! Preach on, Brother Luc!”

So, he does.

And so, we have “Lucy”.

Best part of “Lucy” (not including Scarlett Johansson’s parts)? You will only need 6% of your brain for the “Lucy” liking.

Maybe 5.

Plot? Does late night acid trip have plotting?

Then, yes – let’s go to Plot City!

In Taiwan, poor Lucy (Scarlett Johansson) is much too hot for crap friend (Pilou Asbaek) so he handcuffs her to a briefcase (take that, “50 Shades of Grey”).

Then there is death by shooting, and in comes Oldboy (Choi Min-sik). He puts blue drugs (Heisenberg shout out!) into her stomach and says, in his mind thoughts, “you are my hot mule now, bitch!”

He is right.

She is one hot mule.

Bitch.

Lucy reacts like a literal kick to the stomach, which happens.

Boom!

Drugs loose in the streaming blood of her body blood river, Lucy now gets a brain, bigger and faster than Caesar in the first Apes movie.

Now there is a race and who will win – Mr. Death, or Lucy’s brain – getting bigger, awesome-er, and crazier by the second?

Best times are when her cells start to get brainy.

All of them.

They are like, “we’re cells, and we’re outta here, man.” They are for splitting, but Lucy’s big brain says “eff that, cells. Stick around and things will get AWESOME!”

So they do.

Too give away any is to give away all, except: She is on a questing, to Paris (why not?), to find super smart guy Professor Norman (Morgan Freeman).

Lucy want to know 1) Why is my mind moving crap? 2) Why are my cells talking and wanting to leave me? 3) Where did these tentacles come from?

Norman has some answers, but not for tentacles (my fingers wanted to type “testicles”! Crazy dirty fingers!)

So, two thumbs up for reasons I am now giving (even two tentacles, if I had them… heh testicles).

With the sweet, sweet smoke and four shots of Kossu, the movie was a happy fun time in my cranium.

Special effects? Check.

Cool violence? Check.

Scarlett Johansson walking in slow motion (boing, boing, boing)? Double check.

And the movie was one hour and twenty nine minutes long. Take that Hollywood. It can be done. Now do it more often.

See “Lucy.” Her mega-brain demands it.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “The Strain” is some icky shit. But I am all in on loving it. No sparkly vampires, but vampire worms! Robert Pattinson, finally a vampire you would be good at! I kid, Robert. You would suck (as in “bad”, not vacuum blood into mouth hole), even as worm. This is the truth.

SEE KIMMO’S REVIEW RIGHT HERE:

July 18, 2014July 22, 2014

The Purge: Anarchy [REVIEW]

The Purge: Anarchy

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

There was the time.

Russians.

Staring at border places.

“We are cool, with big meat,” was the Russian brain.

Then to war they went.

“Fuck you, Stalin Bitches” said Finland.

We were the winners.

1940? Finland awesomeness.

Russians? They thought “Was that our Purge?”

We Finns – we said just suck, Soviet pussies.

We made you dead.

We purge you! Assholes…

That was the first real Purge.

Now? Cinema says, even better than the first purge.

In first, there is wuss (Ethan Hawke) with sucky family (if in real my child life let in bad, the child would be dead in 5 minutes. Harsh, but fair – I would kill him myself).

Things were strange. And then now is now.

Time for new thoughts – as much as the kossu makes my brain great, as much as the sweet, sweet smoke make life, life-like. I have never talked to you Yanks of the Gin Long Drink. The best of Finland. Most times I am for the Drunkening. But when not, the Long Drink is for me.

And you.

Oh, the movie.

I was ready to quiver with hate. Then, son of a bitch, the cinema movie is good.

With politics.

Nice family (Carmen Ejogo and hot daughter Zoe Soul) don’t want for Purging.

Super cool guy (Frank Grillo) wants for saving everyone.

Maybe.

Shit, I want nothing to give away.

But, then comes thought things that makes this a movie of good:

Fuck the 1%.

The ones who want to purge are the rich. Because the rich, they want to purge the poor.

Purge = kill.

Shock of all shock – we will trickle down death!

Thanks, Alzheimer’s Ronnie!

Greatest President ever!

If by great I mean “rich get richer” and “fuck everyone else” you psychopath.

Who voted for this crazy fuck? You?

The rest of the world shakes its head stem.

But movie? Shocked is my head.

First, there was interest to be had. Then, we see what we thought from Movie 1.

Then… I want to give no more away (like a Republicans to the middle class!).

At least we finally have a Rand Paul world: Libertarian anarchy!

Don’t like somebody? Shoot him.

Don’t like a thought process? Shoot those who are thinking!

And never, ever, compromise. And Alito will make it law.

Go SCOTUS, go SCOTUS, GO!!!

Compromise, and the hope of governing, makes you a goddamn socialist.

Trying to get along? A goddamn socialist.

Trying to do the right thing? Well, you know… Effin socialist.

So, as a movie? Damn! My eyeballs were all “damn, what a great movie!” The later, my brain was like “damn, what a great movie!”

As good as the Ape Movie? Maybe.

A good movie? Yes.

So see this thing. Go in thinking that it is not the shit, but really shit.

This I did, and it is better than shit. Shit surprise is the best!

——–

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. I am right. Make on the comments. I am still right. Assholes.

Watch Kimmo’s review right here:

July 11, 2014July 17, 2014

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes [REVIEW]

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

With Wit, Reviewed by Kimmo Mustonenen

Times are things that make men weep.

Most men.

Not Finns.

We are not the weeping types for being told “no” to World Cupping.

They let the Swedes (bastards) World Cup.

More than once (but not this time – take that, Swedes).

But we need no World Cupping.

We Finns can Cup for ourselves.

Sunday I will not be World Cupping.

I’ll be drinking kossu, smoking the sweet, sweet smoke and going back to see the greatest movie ever made – “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.”

Yes.

It is.

See for yourself.

Plot? Do monkeys poop in their hands?

You bet!

Ten years have come and gone and come. Monkey flu is the worse than a plague, yet plague-like in the killing.

499 of every 500 people – dead.

Real estate is now affordable in San Francisco (plague, please come to Los Angeles, too – I cannot for now afford to live in the Malibu – my dream of dreams – it is filled with fully figured actresses).

San Fran is in the shitter – with no electricity.

Humans Malcolm (Jason Clarke) and his bulge making woman Ellie (Kerri Russell – Kerri, if you ask I’ll send you my digits for that we may date so that I can have a bulge, too, if you know what I mean – I say this to you while winking seductively) are tasked by crazy eyeballed Dreyfus (Gary Oldman) to rebuild super electric hydro damn (Super Electric Hydro Damn will be my 10cc cover band) to bring back property value to the Bay.

In the way are monkeys of many flavors. Chimp monkeys. Orangutan monkeys. Bonobo monkeys.

But not THE Monkees. That would have been the shit, but distracting, so only full body hair monkeys make the cut.

They are ape shit crazy (get it?) but can talk and ride on the horses.

They hunt elk, but are monkeys, so they fight a bear. The bear gets bitch-slapped to the dirt.

“Fuck you, bear” say the apes.

The cool monkey leader, Caesar (Andy Serkis – really in green body suit covered with ping pong balls running around a green screen world – which would be so the awesome when high) says, “OK humans, just mess with the dam, or we will poop in our hands and throw it at you.”

Caesar’s best monkey pal Koba (Toby Kebbell – also in green body suit, etc., etc.) says, “Eff that C, we’re gonna use poop guns to knock you human clowns off the planet, yo!”

The war is on.

How good is Ape vs. Human war?

I forgot to drink my kossu for an hour.

An hour!

Same with my weed.

How the hell is this a possible? But it was.

CGI is better than reality here (I said this – CGI is now not always the suck). Apes were more awesomer than people.

This shit is real, friend.

Believe it now. It will mess with the wet organ that is your brain.

So, two thumbs wishing that I was a poop throwing ape on the big screen.

See this movie today.

Then see it yesterday (but you cannot) and again tomorrow (this is possible).

It will be worth every penny (or $16 if in 3D).

“Dawn of the Planet of the Apes” – best picture of 2014. Book it!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Orphan Black” has blown my mind stem. Clone Tatiana Maslany and bring me four of her. Then I would not need Malibu. My Chatsworth apartment would be heaven, except in Chatsworth. Oh, yes – this I dream. You should dream it, too. Kimmo has spoken (with typing).

HEAR/WATCH KIMMO’S REVIEW HERE:

May 23, 2014June 6, 2014

X-Men: Days of Future Past [REVIEW]

X-Men: Days of Future Past

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Damn.

Sometimes, a guy, with a drunk mind wants to see a movie.

This is all right.

Why not?

Then comes a movie with before a course in the college of your choice you must have been all night using Adderall because this movie is the final of the second semester.

Damn.

Here we go.

——————————————–

Did you see X-Men (2000)?

Magneto (Ian McKellen) was boss. His strong was not so strong. He messed up Mrs. Liberty, but with effort that makes one short.

There is no worrying, because Jean Grey (Famke Janssen) is hot.

——————————————-

X2: X-Men United (2003). Now Magneto can lift tons of shit, with mind thoughts.

He must be having brain push-ups, for his brain moving can now win in the MMA.

This is okey dokey, because of Jean Grey.

She is hot.

————————————————–

X-Men: The Last Stand (2006). Magneto lifts really big stuff, from far, far away (bridges, submarines).

He is somehow badder, bigger, yet with mad wrinkle-age.

I’m all “eh”, because Phoenix (Famke Janssen) is still for hot.

Except for the dying.

——————————————–

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009).

Really?

—————————————

X-Men: First Class (2011). Back in time, Magneto (Michael Fassbender – not naked) has more powers than old-time Magneto in the future.

There is no sense in this to be made. Mystique (Rebecca Romijn) is now Raven (Jennifer Lawrence).

This a trade up.

My man parts approve. Boing!!!

————————————

The Wolverine (2013).

Stinky poop, with everything Japanese except no Godzilla.

Avoid, unless you cannot.

Then see it while retching.

—————————————————

X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014).

Finally!

We are at the time of the movie for me and the reviewing!

But, sadness, I am almost out of words.

Plot? Shit-tons of plot.

I will sum up in as less words than I can hope to type.

First is the future.

Asshole robots are killing all for just breathing air.

So bad is it all that mutants go to China for figuring out of the crap.

Here, the writers are all “Hey, Kitty Pryde (Ellen Page), we have no original ideas, so, in bad science fiction writer fashion, back in time you send Wolverine’s (Hugh Jackman) thought-essence to.”

It is like J.J. Abrams took a squat on this film from his butt.

The past has wide collars and wider pants legs. It is disturbing.

Mystique turns in to Foxy Brown – this makes my eyes wide, and brings the bottle to my mouth hole.

There is Vietnam, and Magneto (Fassbender again, and still no dangling parts dangling). He killed Kennedy and is now under the Pentagon being punished, very sad.

Now, things are more crazier.

Many things happen.

My brain goes, “slow down X-Men movie, for I have no clues as to what the hell!”

Then there is a Nixon.

Past Magneto can lift an entire stadium! In 1973 – yet in 2000 he cannot. So more brain “what the hell.”

Then I remember!

Ah, there is no sense in comic book movies.

This is not science fiction.

Comic books!

I now forgive.

If infant Magneto can lift planet Earth, do it son! Nothing must be of sense making.

Whew!

No more pressure to care who is who, and who is doing what with super powers.

So I do not harsh my high and enjoy all that is.

What is the meaning, to you, the viewing person, from me, of the writing?

This – two thumbs up.

A lot happens.

If you did not get an A in X-Men 206 (sophomore level, “who the hell are these characters” course) all is OK.

Drink your drink.

Smoke your smoke.

Stare at Jennifer Lawrence.

Then stare at her some more (I did).

It is worth the $12 ($47 if in 3D).

Take it to the bank.

In the past!

I say this in the present.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. I realize that a Transformer turd movie is sitting on the horizon, looking at my soul. Odin, kill me with fire before I have to look on it to write on it. Please.

Summer is coming…

HEAR/SEE KIMMO’S REVIEW RIGHT HERE!

May 16, 2014May 23, 2014

Godzilla [REVIEW]

Godzilla

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Godzilla.

GodZIRRA.

Big em-effin’ lizard.

I am so with the exciting.

As a baby Finn, in Finland, I saw him.

“T.V. Scary So That You Pee Pants and Poop Young Children” horror Night Theater was on the television thing.

Olli and I, eating fish that was dry, sucking a box that was juice (Pirkka Mixed berry juice – send me some if you have love for Kimmo).

Happy, happy – because the great of all great monsters that stomp and kill was to stomp and kill.

And he (GodZIRRA) stomped all of the shit. Even Ironside (Raymond Burr).

Then Tokyo took a lizard foot up the anus.

BOOM!!!

My eyes leak as I remember the best.

But now. Now is the exciting.

GodZIRRA is back.

When one time he was 50 meters tall – he has more calorie dumped in his mouth hole for he is 150 meters tall!

Suck it, Mr. Cloverfield.

I smoke the sweet, sweet smoke. I slurp the Kossu from my Godzilla mug. I refill the mug and the slurping occurs again.

High, drunk, and with expectations on my brain sitting like a midget jockey – with full control.

Then… well, damn.

Gosh darn damn.

The boring starts.

Plot? Too much!

We go to be in 1999. Joe Brody (Bryan Cranston) has a wig. Things are to the crapper from the first.

Death. Sadness.

This takes thirty minutes.

Why? Answers do not come.

Then is the now.

There is boring guy son of Walter White (Aaron Taylor-Johnson). He is the guy who is the life sucker from the film. His wife (Elizabeth Olson), is good.

Other actors, good.

Monsters? Fucking great.

Script? Scripts should be written as if making something exciting is a good thing.

Good monsters, mostly good actors, me snoring in my seat.

Fuck you, script.

Two moth beasts. So big that they could eat all of your clothes.

Instead, they must mate and eat nuclear stuff.

And interesting is the last stuff that happens.

Worst thing on a movie that the makers can do – make the thing so that my brain sleeps before

I know that I am asleep.

Suck. Suck, suck , suck.

Damn you GodZIRRA!

Monsters are A-1, awesome, yelling, scratching, flying, fire-vomiting, and everything.

One thumb jumps to the sky for this.

Then the script. As before I said through my fingers, GodZIRRA! must be the awesome.

No. This is not the awesome.

See on the big screen only for the monsters. Be the drunk and high. Take a trusted friend to wake you from happy nap land only when monsters occur.

Ugh. Summer has arrived.

This is not the total Summer suck. This is just boring.

The Total Summer Suck is coming.

I am afraid.

And the fact that I am more of a sober person than the Kimmo that started this review scares me.

And makes me cry. Like a tiny little suck-tit.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. The 100 is the greatest show ever on my television watcher. I am not ashamed. Octavia gives me a man-bone. The truth was just typed.

HEAR/SEE KIMMO’S REVIEWS EVERY WEEK RIGHT HERE:

April 11, 2014April 11, 2014

Draft Day [REVIEW]

Draft Day

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

It is almost the time when fretting must be done.

Worry.

Fret.

The time of “cinema suck.” Summer movie blitz.

Damn… but what is to happen must be happening – it is the way of the world.

But now is Draft Day.

The sport called by some in Europe as “hand egg” but in America is “Football” and done in the fall has a time (in the spring) that comes for American college graduates with giant muscle bodies to be drafted for the game – from crappiest of teams to the best.

Like in junior high, where my brother Olli was always picked last for “Pin The Fish on the Retard” (number one game in Finland!).

Plot? Yes!

Sonny Weaver, Jr. (Kevin Costner), the General Manager of the first picking Cleveland Browns. The National Footballer draft is coming and Sonny needs to fix his draft place and pick the best swollen muscle runner for the footballing.

It is not easy.

There is wheeling, then the dealing, then the pregnant girlfriend (Jennifer Garner). The main coach-man (Denis Leary) is an asshole. The owner (Frank Langella) is a bigger of asshole.

So, if this movie is for believing, they should call themselves the National Asshole League.

There is lots of time for the worrying with grumpy faces on everyone.

There are several thousand phones calling other phones.

And then there is the yelling.

And new things are learned – most important of all is that the game of footballing is much more for excitement than watching how the game of footballing gets made.

Moneyball for baseball is like this movie.

Someday will be the making of a good film about sports building because that movie will be about the greatest game of all – hockey.

Until that joyous of all days we must have Draft Day.

Verdict: One thumb sideways, the other also asleep. There no Transformers (thank Odin!) and no explosions (also good). And no car chases.

Wait until is it Netflix time to see this thing. Then send the money you saved to me. I deserve it.

Remember… summer is coming.

Damn.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Ice Hockey Play for Marbles (All of Them) and The Cup Time is now almost with us. My love for Teemu Selänne is growing even bigger if that is a possibility. I have no love for Ducks, yet Teemu makes my non-Duck love disappear. That is what a Finnish Superman does to us. And me.

P.P.S. Game of Thrones. Damn. Arya is in my night time nightmares now. Creepy kid. Watch it instead of Draft Day. You will thank me again.

February 28, 2014February 28, 2014

Son Of God [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Sony of God, The Bible, Christopher Spencer, Richard Bedser, Colin Swash, Nic Young, Sebastian Knapp, Paul Knops, Darcie, David Rintoul, Gary Oliver, William Houston, Stewart Scudamore, Nonso Anozie, Conan Stevens, Jassa Ahluwalia, Langley Kirkwood, Patrice Naiambana, Joe Coen, Leila Mimmack, Greg Hicks, Andrew Brooke, Louise Delamere, Diogo Morgado, Darwin Shaw, Amber Rose Revah, Matthew Gravelle, Joe Wredden, Paul Marc Davis, Rick Bacon, Fraser Ayres, Said Bey, Adrian Schiller, Paul Brightwell, Simon Kunz, Sanaa Mouziane, Anas Chenin, Roma Downey, Daniel Percival, Noureddine Aberdine, Idrissa Sisco, Hami Belal, Richard Bedser, Mark Burnett, Eduardo Verastegui, Lorne Balfe, Rob Goldie, Robert Hall, Carl Proctor, Alan Spalding, Said El Kounti, Hauke Richter, Claudia Parker, Ros LIttle, Talli Pachter, Christa Schoeman, Brian Edwards, Jess Stevens, Grantly Butters, Alex Gibb, Tony Mitchell, Crispin Reece, Tarik Amchemar, Abdella Baadil, Aziz Mhand, Amin Rharda, Polly Stevens, Garrett Honn, James Jordan, Faycal Attougui, Rodney Berlinlg, Kelly Johnson, Bridie Bischoff, Katie Boxer, Mona Houd, jack Levy

Son Of God

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

There are things beyond our seeing.

Understanding is the impossible.

But they are real.

Really.

Some are good (Casper The Friendly Ghost, Caspar in Finland).

Some are not (Magneto).

Some are old (Dracula).

Some are new (Dr. Manhattan).

But all real super-duper people have to come from somewhere with the origin story.

Even the “Son of God.”

For an origin story, it is not too original.

This was on my TV in before times, I am sure of it.

Yes, I drink. Yes, I smoke the sweet, sweet smoke. I am forgetting things.

But this was on my TV – but with more longer. On the History Channel.

And President Obama was, in it, as the Satan. He is not in “Son of God” that I have seen.

Am I crazy? Am I victimized by mind tricks?

No.

Thank God (not his son, but Odin) for press kit. I read and am relieved.

“Son of God” is last part of “The Bible“ – the same!

Yet very different.

Plot? Well… yes.

The earth starts.

Then a bunch of crap happens, very fast.

Then story. The Virgin Mary (Leila Mimmack) gets knocked up, and in panicking says “God did it! I am no slut but a virgin!” (not in movie was this said, but in real life – disclaimer: I was not there, but I know things).

Then Baby Jesus, Son of God! He grows to a manhood in a blinking eye.

And everyone in the Middle East is from Europe. Cool.

Super handsome Jesus model (Dioga Morgado) is awesome-er than any Son of God that came before (per the film).

He does magic.

He (maybe) does Mary Magdalene (Amber Rose Revah). Who wouldn’t?

He does big talk (“I will change the world!”)

He does bigger magic (raising the dead – suck it Penn and Teller!!!).

He pisses off the powerful (various old Jewish guys, but not in real life). They are so mad that they nail him to the wood. And spear him in the side.

Then it is nothing but death.

The Romans do the last three sentences. Not the Jews. Back off, Nazis.

But wait. More to be.

Jesus wakes up from dead!

Freaking out is the only option for Jerusalem, and so the freaking happens – with nice light and background orchestra.

Then The Jesus gets the heck out of Dodge, never to be seen again.

So. Two confused thumbs, afraid of the Walking Dead. Jesus story was longer on my television, and now you are to pay to see it shorter on bigger screen with expensive mouth treats.

Hmmm. Maybe worth it, maybe not.

There have been better super hero origin stories. And the villains are the suck.

Old Jews are not scaring anyone, and they have no super powers. Except in Hollywood. Those old Jews fill the fear in any living person.

Old Hollywood Jews, if I have offended you my sorry is bigger than any other sorrys. Sorry.

Watch “The Bible” on Netflix. Longer, but you get Obama Satan.

What more is ever wanted?

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Finland 5, U.S. 0. The bronze medal is pretty. Hey America hockey, would you like one? Really? Too bad, losers. Kossu shots for all (especially my good friends of Old Hollywood Jews)!!!