Brian Roberts – Page 5 – Chairman's Blog

July 9, 2013July 11, 2013

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2013 – Day 1 – It Begins

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2013

Day 1 – It Begins

Day 2 – Build-A-Bike

Day 3 – The Drunkening

I have arrived.

The combined age of everyone at this conference is something like 2 million.

Herb Allen told me he has crafted an agenda that will make last year’s conference seem like a bad acid trip. Which is funny because last year’s conference WAS a bad acid trip.

They put me in the Batman room this year. This room is not easy to get. I think it was scheduled to be Thomas Tull’s room – but well, you know, shit happens. So now it’s mine! (I’m sure the Time Warner guys aren’t too happy about that – but Jeff Bewkes actually requested the Nicolas Sparks’ “The Notebook” room – so it’s all good.)

You see, all of the rooms at the Sun Valley Lodge have a different theme.

There’s a Disney Princess room (probably for Bob Iger and his wife Thunder Bay – I think that’s her name); a Star Wars room (there is always a fight over which tech dork gets that one); a Harry Potter room (which is under the main staircase – another favorite among Time Warner people and Brits); a Haunted Alligators swamp room (a poor effort to throw a bone to a Manka Bros. IP); a Prison room (sometimes used to help a banker CEO get ready for real prison – ha!), etc. etc.

They should add a few Facebook rooms for those who don’t want any privacy at all – ha ha!

Themed rooms are great for families and sexually adventurous couples but really awful for a media mogul trying to get stuff done. Every time I call the concierge all I get back is “Yes, Batman” – “Of course, Batman” – “Right away, Batman.” Enough already!

And it doesn’t really matter what kind of agenda Herb “crafts” – it always comes down to the same shit: How the fuck is old media going to survive after traditional TV and film die an ugly death?

The answer is simple – we either roll over and wait for Google to acquire us all and then wait for our instructions… or we band together and acquire Google and Facebook and Apple and everyone else that is threatening our very existence and shut them down without mercy.

I like the second option.

In the meantime, I have avoided the press and retreated to The Drankin’ Hole to record my thoughts for this blog and to have a few dirty martinis and the Sun Valley Lodge’s world famous chili cheese fries.

To my horror, the greatest bartender in the world – Bin Tran – is not here this week! He has a daughter that is giving birth to his twelfth grandchild (or some such shit) and he is at the hospital. His brother – Vin Tran – is taking his place for the week.

His brother sucks at making dirty martinis. He even had trouble with Brian Roberts’ club soda!

Day 1 is always slow and always makes me wonder why the hell I came up here – though the goodie bag is nice.

Inside this year’s bag is:

An iWatch (though we were told not to show anyone outside of the conference or even acknowledge that it exists. Off the record, it’s really amazing and everyone will buy one);

The key fob to a new Tesla (courtesy of Elon Musk). Only 10 will unlock the doors of new Teslas at the end of the Conference. To my chagrin, EVERYONE does not get a new car!

A small, specially made, hand-crafted balloon dog sculpture by Jeff Koons;

A box of See’s Candies;

And, what I thought was really unique, a bar of gold.

OK – this place is starting to fill up.

Michael Eisner and former UK Prime Minister Tony Blair just walked in (not together – thank God) so I’m going to cut it off here and get busy drinking. I have to warn Tony Blair to not order anything from Vin Tran more difficult than a Jack & Coke.

Check back here tomorrow for an update on the always exciting Day 2.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. “Like” me on Facebook – (inside joke – but you still can if you want to).

June 3, 2013

Manka Bros Would Like To Offer Nikki Finke A Job

Allen & Company retreat, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Carol Bartz, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Gina Bianchini, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Khan Manka, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, World's Largest Media Company, Chase Carey, James Murdoch, Elisabeth Murdoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Jim Gianopulos, Joel Klein, Jon Miller, Steve Burke, Michael Angelakis, Leslie Moonves, Philippe Dauman, Jeff Bewkes, John Martin, Howard Stringer, Rob Wiesenthal, Michael Lynton, John Malone, Greg Maffei, Haim Saban, David Zaslav, John Hendricks, Mike White, Edgar Bronfman, Len Blavatnik, Tim Armstrong, Peter Chernin, Tom Freston, Carol Bartz, Jerry Yang, Mark Pincus, Owen Van Natta, Brian Roberts, Jason Kilar, Wayne Willich, Reid Hoffman, Harvey Weinstein, Diane Von Furstenberg, Andrew Mason, Jason Kilar, Ben Horowitz, Gina Bianchini, Mark Pincus, Ali Pincus, Robert Wiesenthal, Tom Freston, Bing Gordon, Bill Gates, Chris Christie, Martin Sorrell, Eric Lefkofsky, Oprah Winfrey, Jeff Bezos, Tim Cook, Cory Booker, Michael Bloomberg, Joel Klein, Lachlan Murdoch, James Murdoch, Bobby Kotick, Marc Andreessen, Peter Thiel, Dick Costolo, Ross Levinsoh, Paul Sagan, Leslie Moonves, Tim Armstrong, Glenn Britt, Donald Graham, Kazuo Hirai, Howard Stringer, Jae-Yong Lee, Bryan Lourd, Ron Meyer, Brad Grey, Edmund Lee, Anthony Palazzo, John Malone, Chris Silbermann, Jim Berkus, Roger Goodell, David Stern, Chris Christie, Julius Genachowski, Erin Burnett, Charlie Rose, Becky Quick, Todd Davidson, Reed Hastings, Terry Semel, Jerry Yang, Ken Allen, Laurene Powell Jobs, Jean-Bernard Levy, Lucian Grainge, Jonathan Boyar, Mark Pincus, Michael Lynton, Mandy Tavakol, Mario Monti, Dave DeVoe, John Martin, Brian Roberts, David Zaslav, Mel Karmazin, Carol Bartz, Scott Thompson, Jason Kilar, King Abdullah II, Queen Rania, Queen Noor, #sv12, #Sunvalley2012, #allenco, Robert Johnson, Anne Sweeney, Brian Grazer, Michael Ovitz, Hiroshi Mikitani, Owen Van Natta, Don Mattrick, Nikki Finke, Sharon Waxman, Jay Penske, Deadline Hollywood

Good morning from my house in the Seychelles.

A few of us are having a great night drinking schnapps and eating crab. I won’t name names for security reasons but their initials are DM, RM, BD, JB, CC – you figure it out.

I just received my daily fax of important Hollywood internet stories from my assistant, Vicky Adler-Modry, and noticed that apparently Nikki Finke was fired from Deadline Hollywood.

I didn’t even realize that was possible – basically the equivalent of me getting fired from Manka Bros. We all know this is an impossible thing. It would take gunfire and a hostage situation to remove me from my post and that wouldn’t be legal – so I guess nothing could get me out.

[Goddamnit, Barry Diller just fucking spilled watermelon schnapps on my white carpet! But I digress…]

Let me get right to the point and I’ll speak directly to Nikki as I write:

Manka Bros. would like to offer you, Nikki Finke, a job – doing pretty much whatever you would like. If you’ve seen our numbers lately, we need help in most areas of the business.

If you would like to start a cut-throat-destroy-someone’s-life-type blog like you are currently running – that would be fine.

If you would like to work as a partner with our own in-house cut-throat-destroy-someone’s-life-type-blog – OnMedea – that would be fine as well. She would love the help.

If you would like to run our Theatrical Group – that would be fine, too. Robin Rafe has really been sucking lately and needs to be replaced at some point (off the record).

Or just pick something off our Jobs board – we’ve got a few great openings right now.

So, think about it, Nikki – Manka Bros. is one place you will never be fired from (unless you write about me or my family). Call my assistant at the studio, Vicky Adler-Modry (or just Friend her on Facebook).

I have to get back to karaoake – Rupert’s about to sing “MacArthur Park” – (never to be missed).

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

April 22, 2013

The Last Hollywood Mogul Is… Me

With the upcoming death of Sumner Redstone (any day now based on how he looked in recent photos) and the increasing dementia of Rupert Murdoch, it’s clear there is soon to be only one true Hollywood mogul remaining.

And that is me.

As with the “Last of the Mohicans,” moguls in Hollywood used to be a large tribe.

Brothers from Poland and Bulgaria and Kansas City and New York, etc. etc. – all coming to Hollywood with a dream and the sociopathic guts to do whatever it took to succeed (and a whole lot of luck).

Jill Kennedy – a writer for the Manka Bros.’ business blog OnMedea – wrote that 2013 is Endgame for Moguls. She’s absolutely right.

It’s the end of a great and powerful era.

When Sumner Redstone dies (I’m gonna say by mid-summer) and hundreds of people are forced to go to that funeral (who would will willingly want to go unless they’re trying to pitch some new idea to Brad Grey) it will be down to me and Rupert.

And we all know Rupert is certifiably insane – so he doesn’t count anymore.

I don’t even want to hear arguments about Spielberg and Katzenberg and Geffen being moguls. They tried. They failed. Next.

Harvey Weinstein? [spit take]

Many may say I don’t deserve to be called a mogul because I wasn’t a founder of the company and didn’t build it from scratch. In fact, I was given the job of Chairman and CEO right out of high school after my father died. I didn’t even want the job. I was very happy in my band, King Khan. We were awesome and on our way.

But I took the job and built Manka Bros. into the global media powerhouse it is today.

In 1976, when I took over – the company didn’t even have its own plane or free food and car allowances for senior management. I took care of that immediately.

Without that shit, we would have had no chance to land a super executive like Lloyd Grohl to run operations.

I only hope that I live another 40-50 years so that those who are young now at least have a small idea of how great things used to be when, like mafia families, studio heads would be willing to kill in order come out on top.

The FBI has a file cabinet full of all the things my father and uncles did in order to survive in early Hollywood. (The FBI needed an entire warehouse to store the files on Louis B. Mayer!)

Those days are gone and things are very passive-aggressive and “nice” in Hollywood. On the outside, everyone appears to be happy for everyone else’s success while they all kill themselves on the inside.

And that’s bullshit, man.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

March 12, 2013March 5, 2014

A Waste Of Time – SXSW Keynote Address – Khan Manka, Jr.

[The following is an unedited transcript of the keynote address to the SXSW Festival by Manka Bros. Chairman & CEO Khan Manka, Jr.]

March 12, 2013 – Austin Convention Center – Ballroom G

[Khan Manka, Jr. approaches a podium…]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Uh… Dave Grohl was supposed to introduce me – calm down, you idiots… Dave Grohl was supposed to introduce me but apparently he couldn’t pull himself away from the HTML5 panel “Making Your Band Much Cooler By Not Using Flash!”

[There are a few “HTML5 rocks” – and “Yeah!”]

Khan Manka, Jr.: That was a joke, jerk-offs. Whatever. I don’t really have much to say. I’ve been told to calm down on my speeches. The last few times I’ve given a keynote to one of these ridiculous events they ended in chaos. MIPCOM, Davos, Sun Valley, Bilderberg, CES, Comic-Con – even a commencement address at Beverly Hills High School went horribly wrong. So, on the order of my doctors, I’m going to keep things pretty calm. Can we just go to the first slide, please?

[FIRST SLIDE: Image – Manka Bros. Studios lot circa 1918.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: I normally don’t like to do slides but I was asked to stay on message – so this is the best way. Manka Bros. is celebrating its 101st anniversary this year. Based on size, it is the world’s largest media company. It is also the world’s oldest movie studio. Don’t let last year’s Universal and Paramount 100th Anniversary logos fool you – they are lying. They weren’t really incorporated in 1912 – only Manka Bros. was. Universal and Paramount were nothing but cross-breeding dairy farms in 1912. You can Wikipedia that shit if you want.

[Silence.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: I can see you’re already glazing over. It’s tough when you go from what used to be a pretty fun movies/music/interactive festival where everyone was drunk and eating barbecue – to today where you stare at a comic on a Samsung crap-ass phone in the Verizon Celebrity Douche Lounge while you collect a bunch of crap in a biodegradable bag that will sit in a closet in your house untouched until you eventually throw it away.

[The audiences is more audible. More fidgeting noises.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Don’t get me wrong. It’s a great life you have – you’re all self-proclaimed hipsters, you go from festival to festival like modern day Deadheads. Why live life when you can go to arts festivals and talk about the life you will lead once you get home from the festival? But, of course, you never get home – or if you do, it’s just to recover until the next festival. It’s a great fucking life.

[A guy in a suit approaches Khan and whispers something in his ear.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: OK OK OK. I’ve been told by my handlers to get back on message. Jump past the historical slides and get to the meat.

[Another slide reads: The Digital Transition]

Khan Manka, Jr.: The single most important issue in Hollywood these days is the digital transition. Basically, we need you assholes to buy digital movies. Stop buying DVDs – stop using Redbox! Re-purchase your entire movie collection from the cloud. Get it? If you don’t, we’re in deep shit. Do you want the movie studios to go out of business, you fuckers?! It’s really the only thing you aspire to – a real movie deal from a real movie studio. You’re lying if you say you just want to make “important” little digital movies on a iPad that the studios don’t have the balls to make. So buy digital movies to keep your pathetic dreams alive. Capische?

[Dave Grohl arrives. The crowd goes crazy.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Well well well – look who decided to show up? Hey, Dave, could you go back to 2003 and introduce me when you were interesting?

[Dave Grohl lunges at Khan Manka, Jr. A Security Guard smacks Grohl easily to the ground. He starts to cry like a toddler. That blonde, skinny drummer guy runs up to assist Grohl. He attacks Khan Manka, Jr. as well – but the Security Guard backhands him to the floor. The crowd turns on Khan Manka, Jr. – throwing officially licensed tchotchkes at the stage.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Those were the only hits the Foo Fighters have had in a while, right? Am I fucking right, you morons?

[With that, Khan Manka, Jr. is ushered off the stage.]

[END OF TRANSCRIPT]

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

October 9, 2012October 10, 2012

Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer Jack Welch A Job

[The following is a transcribed phone conversation that Khan Manka, Jr. wanted posted on his Chairman’s Blog. Per his request, this is unedited – so I apologize for any unseemly language.]

Hello from Cannes!

Earlier today, I gave the keynote address at MIPCOM and now I am sitting here at the Hotel Carlton bar with my good friends Ben Silverman and Harvey Weinstein (though Harvey is not really sitting but sort of bent over on the floor). He is not passed out – so fuck you paparazzi – nothing to see here!

There are also myriad of hangers-on and wannabees – I’m talking to you Jeff Zucker!

It was just brought to my attention that the dumb asses at Fortune forced Jack Welch to quit his little blogger job over some Tweets or some shit? (I’ve been traveling and am a little vague on any details other than what it costs for a Cape Cod in Cannes – 20 fucking Euros!)

Well, whatever the truth (and I’m just dictating this over the phone to my assistant Vicky, the lawyers still have to do the official shit), Manka Bros. would like to offer, you, Jack Welch, a job.

I, frankly, don’t care what area you work in, I just know we would love to be in the Jack Welch business.

We don’t make jet engines or 3D printers (or whatever it was you used to do), but we do make the best damn creative content on the freakin’ planet.

Hang on, Jack. Fuck you, Silverman, you suck!

Sorry, Jack, Ben’s talking to the Mob Wives or something.

Hang on – yes, and put some goddamned alcohol in it this time!

Sorry, Jack.

Anyway, I’m thinking you could do a financial blog for us or even run the TV division – Jay McBee has really been sucking lately (off the record). My philosophy there has always been “Anyone But Silverman” in that job. We have a very prestigious Business Channel and we really need a cranky old nut case like you as one of the morning screamers – it would be a real boon to the ratings.

Just let me know as soon as you can – there are a lot of ex-moguls that would love this opportunity and I’m leaving them hanging until I hear back from you.

Ben’s trying to grab my phone so he can tell you off – did you both work at NBC?! – I’m hanging up!

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

October 9, 2012October 10, 2012

MIPCOM 2012 – Khan Manka, Jr. Keynote Address

[The following is a transcript of Khan Manka, Jr.’s keynote address at MIPCOM 2012. A disclaimer: Mr. Manka arrived late and was unable to have his speech entered into the TelePrompTer so his prepared remarks were not given.]

MIPCOM 2012 – KHAN MANKA, JR. KEYNOTE ADDRESS

“Rock You Like A Hurricane” plays as Khan Manka, Jr. walks to the MIPCOM podium.

Khan Manka, Jr. (KMJ): Look, we’re all a little fucked up today. I left my speech at the Carlton Bar this morning – technically last night – right, Ben?

Ben Silverman, in the front row, wearing sunglasses and a fedora, gives a thumbs up.

KMJ: Damn, dude, you know a lot of crazy chicks! But I don’t need my speech. I know what I want to say – and it’s much better than what Harvey Weinstein said earlier, right? Come on, I’ll fight all of you! Is it just me or is Harvey Weinstein starting to look more and more every day like Charles Laughton in Hunchback of Notre Dame. Huh?!

The lights flash on and off.

KMJ: OK OK – I get it. No fat Harvey jokes – allright! Jesus freakin’ Christ. Apparently, the head of MIPCOM – I don’t know his name – I’ll call him DICK COM – doesn’t like jokes. But, of course, Steve Levitan comes out here and does some lame ass shit and you’re falling all over the floor. I’ll bet you wouldn’t have laughed at that crap before he was famous.

Another flash of the lights.

KMJ: FUCK YOU – I UNDERSTAND! Television. Let’s talk television. I disagree with anyone who says this is a new Golden Age of television. They called the 50s the Golden Age. But what was the 70s? Goddamned Norman Lear? How could not call that a Golden Age? There was a lot of golden crap produced in the 1950s and every decade after that. For every “Modern Family” produced there is a “Mob Doctor” or, Jesus, “Mob Wives” – sorry, Ben, but it’s total shit and should be against the law – or at least against the laws of God.

Ben Silverman is talking to the waitress who brought over his drink order and is not paying attention.

KMJ: Look, at Manka Bros. we don’t believe in platitudes – we simply produce the world’s best television. There is no question about that. It’s not subjective. It is a fact. But that doesn’t mean we’re profitable. Our fucking international buying agents clearly have had their heads up their asses for several years now. I recommend you all go to our website and check the fall schedule for MBS. Not a flop in the bunch. Suck on that, Fox! LOOK OUT BELOW!

Khan Manka, Jr. wavers a bit and then falls to the floor. He quickly pops back up, takes a cocktail from Ben Silverman and continues.

KMJ: We’ve developed a new content model at Manka Bros. We call it the Circus-Circus-All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet model. Because it doesn’t matter what you produce – be it a feature film, scripted drama, comedy, reality series, web series – Shields & Yarnell crappy ass mime show – whatever – it’s all about how much and where you consume it. And, like, the Circus Circus Buffet, whether you’re eating those frightening powdered eggs or Cap’n Crunch, it’s all going to come out the same color in the end. And that color is green. Like money color.

Khan Manka, Jr. takes a long drink and closes his eyes for about 10 seconds, regaining his bearings.

KMJ: From this day forward, everything we produce will be available on a worldwide day-and-date basis. If we make a movie, you can watch it on TV, in a theater, at home, on your iPad, in the airplane, at the hotel… in the… in the… toilet. Anywhere you want for as long as you want for one price… $129.95. Any questions?

Nearly every hand raises in the audience. Khan Manka, Jr. stumbles off the stage. Ben Silverman stands and applauds. “Rock You Like A Hurricane” starts to play.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 18, 2012July 18, 2012

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012 – Day 3 – The Future

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012

Day 1 – Day 2 – Day 3

Over the past few days, I have received several emails saying “Come on, Khan, you goddamned prick – where is your fucking write-up of Day 3 of the Herb Allen suckfest?

Well, Michael Eisner, here it is, asshole. Read it and weep. Your business is fucked.

And stop driving by my house – you’re creeping out my daughter.

Day 3 – The Future

I was initially thinking of having a nice sunrise picture to symbolize the optimism I have for the future of the big media companies. Instead, I chose the picture of a tornado with lightning. I think that is more accurate.

This is my last full day in Sun Valley and instead of participating in endless, pointless panels on how the future will include selling our library content to galactic markets outside of Earth, I decided to go The Drankin Hole (aka The Duchin Lounge) and hang with my only true friend at the conference – bartender Bin Tran.

Tomorrow, I have to go to another pointless conference – Comic-Con. I gave a keynote speech there a couple years ago and now I’m returning to premiere footage from a Holocaust movie we have coming out and to sit on a Future of Publishing panel with, most likely, people dressed as Wookiees.

I grabbed a handful of bacon at Herbie’s House of Slop (the affectionate name given to the morning hangover breakfast that is served) and headed to the bar.

Bin Tran was either just getting to work or just finishing up his nightly shift (since Marc Andreessen and John Malone were still there in their clothes from last night, I’m betting on the latter).

Brian Grazer was the only other person in the bar – just sitting in a corner and crying into his phone.

I sat at the far end of the bar, away from everyone.

Bin Tran set me up with a dirty martini and a shot of Tabasco to shake out the cobwebs from yesterday’s Acid Trip.

We had a conversation.

Khan Manka, Jr. (KM): Bin, what do you do for entertainment?

Bin Tran (BT): Me, Mr. Khan? I watch a Vietnamese channel out of Boise. Mostly game shows and singing shows with comedy. I also like ‘Modern Family.’

KM: You know all of us here at the conference? We control how most of the world spends their leisure time. Either through movies, television, games, books, magazines, newspapers, sports… it’s all managed by the people at this hotel. And none of us knows what the fuck to do about the future.

BT: My kids like the ‘Batman’ movies. Did you make the ‘Batman’ movies?

KM: No. We have ‘Captain Stoppo’ coming next year if fucking Cormac McCarthy can finish a fucking script in this lifetime.

BT: Oh… you should make ‘Batman’ movies.

KM: Yeah.

I gulped down my drink and pushed the glass out for more.

The next morning, I was carried by the Sun Valley Guard (in their shocking orange pants) to a limo and then to my plane.

I didn’t really learn much this week about the future or how my company will navigate what is coming other than… we need to make ‘Batman’ movies.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 12, 2012July 3, 2013

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012 – Day 2 – The Acid Trip

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012

Day 1 – Day 2 – Day 3

————————-

“One pill makes you larger

And one pill makes you small

And the ones that mother gives you

Don’t do anything at all

Go ask Alice, when she’s ten feet tall.”

Yeah… so that was the song that woke us all up this morning – ‘White Rabbit’ by Jefferson Airplane.

I definitely prefer to wake up to a song like that than the horrible ‘Dawn of the Mogul’ written by Michael Eisner.

I don’t remember getting back to my room last night. Michael Ovitz and I were pounding Slivovitz shots (at one low point he said he was going to change his name to Sliv Ovitz) and arguing about modern art. I believe I won the argument – it IS a bunch of crap. I also told him I had no interest in buying any art from his collection so that he could pay his utility bills.

Getting angrier and angrier, Ovitz disagreed with my blog yesterday. He said I was throwing old media under the bus. I told him I would throw him under the bus. He stood up (I think) and made a few awkward Kung Fu poses and facial contortions and threatened to kick my ass.

Bob Iger leaned over from the next stool and placed a hand on his shoulder. Ovitz sat down, did a shot, and that was the end of that.

But let me get back to this morning because this is a significant day in the history of the world (no platitudes, seriously).

Because today was the day Herbert A. Allen, Jr. convinced some of the greatest minds in the world of business to drop acid.

It’s no secret that nearly everyone that is attending this Conference has read the Steve Jobs book by Walter Isaacson.

How do I know that? Because now, everyone is calling themselves “artists” and the products they produce is now “art.” And they’re also calling everyone else’s ideas “shit” and “I think that new product is shit” and “Is that what you’re wearing, because I think it looks like shit.”

“Shit” is the 2012 buzzword of the Conference.

It’s also no secret that Steve Jobs was a big fan of LSD and believes that his creativity stems from the years he spent doing it. He even went through a phase where he didn’t even want to hire anyone who hadn’t done it.

So Herb wanted to see what all the fuss was about.

Me, personally, I was the son of a legendary movie mogul and a Hollywood brat. Needless to say, I’ve dropped acid many, many times.

I was also a Deadhead for a couple of years during my sabbatical from the studio in the late 1980s (127 shows!) and really the only creativity I got out of it was finding new and different angles to stare at my hand. (I also thought up a couple of movie ideas with monkeys that we eventually made at the studio. One included a monkey becoming Pope – by accident! It was – and still is – hilarious. And one day we will make that movie!)

Anyway… we all assembled in the Great Hall of the Moguls (The Limelight Ballroom). Nearly everyone stood or sat in complete confusion – totally dazed from the night before. Anne Sweeney was definitely not doing well.

Herb Allen, wearing a fringe jacket and Sonny Bono-type fur boots circa 1970, entered the room holding a round glass container with a lid.

I’m getting long winded here, so let me just say that after many (MANY) protestations (especially from Warren Buffet and Jordan’s King Abdullah II), we all stuck out our tongues and, per Herb’s instructions (from Wikipedia) we let the tab of acid dissolve in our mouths a bit and then swallowed.

While we waited for the effects to kick in, there was panel discussion on digital diversity moderated by Charlie Rose.

After a while, as people started to emit strange sounds and have visible facial ticks, some ground rules were laid out.

Hotel security, photographers, press and any hangers on were removed from the property for the next several hours. Herb told us to explore every inch of the space and to let our minds go.

In two hours, we would be rounded up and brought back so that we could brainstorm.

The goal was to come up with ten new ideas – ideas that could change the world or change our business.

The first thing that I decided to do was to follow that small rainbow pig into the coat check closet. I think it must have come from the surrounding mountains.

After a half hour in the closet, I came out – not really sure why I went in the closet.

There was just way too much going on in the room to accurately put it down here. Some highlights that I observed:

Mark Zuckerberg was sprawled on the floor. He was pleading – sweating profusely – “Help me! I’m not really Spider-Man! These suction cups are losing their suck! I’m sliding down this building! Help!”

Rupert Murdoch was trying to pull the yellow out of the carpet and saying over and over again – “It’s not working. I don’t feel anything.”

Barry Diller was laying under a table, happily drawing a series of self-portraits (see right).

Bob Iger came up to me: “Do you think people on this drug would enjoy the ‘Main Street Electrical Parade’? Perhaps we could sell it at the parks to enhance their enjoyment. I told him that if he didn’t take off his Bob Iger mask I would take it off for him.

Viacom CEO Philippe Dauman approached, holding a piece of broken glass – his arm a bit bloody: “There are some musical instruments in the corner over there. I think we should set them up and play ‘Smoke On The Water.’ I know the chords.”

For the next hour we attempted to plug in a keyboard but constantly got sidetracked by the sheer ingenuity of the keyboard plug.

I could go on and on and on – and maybe one day I’ll write a full book form version – but for now, after a few hours, here are the 10 ideas the roomful of moguls came up with (directly taken off the white board):

1. Sell movies and TV shows on the Internet. (subnote: Seriously this time!)

2. Film is so much more beautiful than digital but profit margins are shit so fuck it (subnote: “I could totally swim to Catalina” signed “Brian Roberts”).

3. If NASA could figure out how to get the Mars Rover onto Mars, WE should be able to get something onto at least Saturn.

4. Why do we need birds and how do we solve that problem?

5. Sinbad was a funny comic at one time but he just didn’t crossover to be a movie star.

6. $10 million dollars is nothing. We’re talking about my house here. If the marble is not right then back to fucking Italy it goes. (subnote: You people are idiots!)

7. We should change the word “palindrome” to an actual word that is a palindrome.

8. Instead of telling people when our shows are on television, why don’t we tell them to fuck off instead? (That one got a big laugh.)

9. Maybe we should transition back to analog. Life was better then. (Added underneath: “SAYS YOUR MOM!” – signed “Zuckerberg”)

10. England Dan & John Ford Coley were so much better than Hall & Oates, they just didn’t have the management.

————————————

As I dictate this to my assistant, hours later, the effects have pretty much worn off. Though I still need to get these Barry Diller tattoos or whatever they are off my legs, then I am going to nap, shower and join everyone for dinner and drinks.

I’m glad I came. Tomorrow should be fun.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 10, 2012July 1, 2015

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012 – Day 1 – Disappearing Mogul

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012

Day 1 – Day 2 – Day 3

“The sun was warmer then.”

This may be the last year I come here.

If I was looking for a complete waste of time, I would have gone back to Comic-Con.

You know the world is f-ed when you realize you are sitting in a ballroom with many of the world’s most powerful men (and WOMAN) in media and politics and the main topic of conversation is the temperature in the room.

Half of the room is wearing comfortable summer clothes (short sleeve shirts accentuating the effects of personal trainers) and the other half is wearing sweaters and badgering the wait staff to ‘turn up the Goddamned heat!’

It’s mostly generational (young = muscle shirt; old = sweater) with the exception of Bob Iger – but he’ll age and get fat one day (and it won’t be pretty).

I have two questions as Herb Allen’s 2012 Conference gets under way: How long will we have to endure pointless PowerPoint presentations about bullshit made-up research and how soon can we get to the bar? (I have a feeling these are also Oprah’s questions.)

I am, however, very excited that the Prime Minister of Italy (Mario Monti) is here and can’t wait to get a taste of his private wine stash (I heard he brought his own booze in a giant steamer trunk).

I’ve told bartender virtuoso Bin Tran to swap out the wine of one of Mr. Monti’s prized bottles with California’s own Two Buck Chuck. I’ll try to take a video of his reaction – see if I can make Herb’s end-of-conference blooper reel (which is always dominated by Jeffrey Katzenberg and his animal calls).

So, on the fun side, there should be a few highlights.

On the business side, it’s Goddamned depressing.

I look around the room at my friends and see nothing but old white men – men who were once powerful but now frail.

And I’m one of them, I fear.

“Disruption” is a current buzz word in the media business but everyone should remember, my old mogul friends freakin’ invented media disruption:

In the 1920s, Sumner Redstone helped usher in the transition from silent movies to sound.

In the 1940s, Barry Diller convinced a reluctant movie industry to start producing content for a new technology called “television.”

In the 1960s, Bob Iger convinced the black & white television industry to transition to a new technology called “color television.”

In the 1980s, if it wasn’t for me, Hollywood’s iconic, beautifully rendered animated characters wouldn’t have started showing up in Happy Meals and on Big Gulp cups.

And even today, my good friend Rupert Murdoch is changing the way news is gathered. By tapping directly into the victim’s phone messages, he has bypassed the tedious step of finding a credible source to get that same information.

These were seismic shifts in our industry. And now, we’re irrelevant?

As a sign of the times, just outside the ballroom here at the Sun Valley Lodge, LinkedIn CEO Jeff Weiner was sitting at a table by himself hoping to sign copies of his Forbes Magazine cover (he also has poster sized ones available for $100).

That used to be Michael Eisner out there signing shit!

(Personally, I think being on the cover of Forbes is the equivalent of a football player being on the cover of Madden NFL. Others recently on the cover of Forbes include Andrew Mason, Paul Graham and Justin Bieber.)

If you only read Forbes, you would think Silicon Valley is the future of all media!

So… is Hollywood done?

Definitely… if you listen to the heads of the top Silicon Valley companies. According to them, they’ve got it all figured out. The general opinion there is that Hollywood is old, out of touch and getting older and out of toucher by the day.

Well, we’ll see about that, my young padawans.

Remember the first “Karate Kid” (30 years ago) when Mr. Miyagi kicks four young karate students’ asses in about 15 seconds? Hollywood is Mr. Miyagi.

Sure, you say, that’s a movie and not real. Bull shit, I say. Hollywood movies are in our DNA (something Silicon Valley will never understand) and we know how to manufacture happy endings.

There are already signs Silicon Valley is losing a bit of its swagger.

Last year, with a “guaranteed blockbuster IPO” on the horizon, I remember Mark Zuckerberg and Sheryl Sandberg arrived at the Conference on Hoverboards.

This year, they came on a bus.

So… the battle is joined on the neutral territory of the Sun Valley Lodge.

Hollywood vs. Silicon Valley. One will win. One will go back to their parents’ basement.

May God have mercy on us all.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 9, 2012July 18, 2012

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012

Day 1 – Disappearing Mogul

Day 2 – The Acid Trip

Day 3 – The Future

———————–

Leaving (7/10/12):

OK – I suppose I’m going to this thing.

Herb called me acting like a kid before his 10th birthday party, all worried that no one was going to show up.

So OK, Herb, I’m on my way.

Based on the last couple of years, I can expect some really weird freaky ass shit to go on again this year.

[To read about that really weird freaky ass shit – go here for 2011 and here for 2010.]

To anyone trying to reach me – fuck off.

I’ll be at The Drankin’ Hole with Chase Carey and our best friend for the next several days – bartender Bin Tran (the best Goddamned dirty martini maker in the world).

The only instructions we have been given by Herb this year are to bring comfortable shoes and have an open mind.

This could mean any number of things when it comes to Herb.

The last time he said bring comfortable shoes we had to participate in that pathetic “Mogulympics” competition.

And the last time he said to have an open mind we got “Burning Mogul” – I still have nightmares from that horrible night.

I’ll do my best to report on how things are going here.

Remember, everything you read in this space for the next few days will be written by a very drunk man.

If I’m not back by Friday, send the other jet with my security team and some local police, for I may be locked in Herb’s dungeon underneath the Sun Valley Lodge.

Herb likes to punish those who do not fully participate and, this year, I do not plan on fully participating.

God speed and get back to work!

Manka Bros. is having another terrible year because YOU are all terrible.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company