Jeff Immelt – Page 2 – Chairman's Blog

March 9, 2010May 5, 2011

Abu Dhabi Media Summit

Good afternoon from Yas Island – Abu Dhabi U.A.E.

I am dictating this blog from a mud bath in the giant purple Yas Hotel Spa Resort. Thanks to Stefania Bianchi and Nour Malas from the Wall Street Journal for taking this down and getting it to my office. I apologize for the smell.

When the U.A.E. ruler and prime minister Sheik Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum called me over the weekend to see if I could come to speak at the Abu Dhabi Media Summit, I told him absolutely not. I was preparing for another disastrous night at the Oscars (in which Manka Bros. was shut out yet again!) and did not want to travel 10,000 miles (or whatever) to speak about Manka Bros.’ future in the Middle East.

As far as I’m concerned, there isn’t a future for Manka Bros. in the Middle East. Construction of our Manka Fun Park in Yemen has gotten off to a horrible start due to various terrorist acts in and around the park site, so optimism about the future is not something I’m feeling right now.

But, in a stunning coincidence, as I was speaking to the Sheik, Rupert Murdoch called from his airport and asked if I wanted to hitch a ride to Abu Dhabi on his jet (The Roger Ailes 1).

It’s hard to turn down Rupert – so here I am.

(Note: To Ethan Rubidoux, we’re stopping through Yemen on the way back to check on Manka Fun Park Yemen’s progress. Please triple my personal security and make sure Johnny Walker Blue is stocked in the mini-bar).

I will be speaking at the Abu Dhabi Media Conference tomorrow morning. It will most likely be a variation on my recent speech to the Davos World Economic Forum.

Rupert spoke tonight. He rambled on and on about freedom of the press in the Middle East (or some such bullshit).

Hey Rupert, from one freedom crusher to another – “Nice try.” Think the Sheik buy will that crap from the owner of Fox News?

Rupert was supposed to meet me here at the spa after his speech but I haven’t seen him yet. He has two hours blocked out for a chemical peel.

Later tonight, I’m meeting Eric Schmidt at the Noodle Box here at the hotel. He wanted to meet at the Wandering Camel Discoteque (something like that) but I had to take a pass. My knee has been f-ed up ever since I took a tumble down Whistler while at the Vancouver Olympics. Dancing until dawn is something I can’t really handle right now.

Eric wants Manka Bros. to go exclusive to the Google Android with our mobile content. I’m going to tell him the only way we would agree to that would be if he changed his name to Steve Jobs and changed his company name to Apple.

He won’t respond well to that. But I don’t respond well to others trying to push around The World’s Largest Media Company!

Here’s Rupert now (with Steve Ballmer – and three other guys carrying Steve’s stuff).

Wish me luck tomorrow. I just pray they let me leave the country after I destroy their delusions of creating a “New Media Paradise” in the middle of this miserable desert.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

February 10, 2010May 6, 2011

Manka Bros. Corporate Offsite

Adrian Monck, Al Berkeley, Alan Marcus, Alex Wong, Andre Schneider, Angela Bromstad, Ari Emanuel, Bali Four Seasons, Ben Silverman, Carine Benetti, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, Carlos Ghosn, Carsten Sudhoff, Chairman's Blog, Christine Lagarde, Christophe Weber, corporate layoffs, Corporate Offsite, Cristiana Falcone, David Aikman, Davos World Economic Forum, Denise Burnet, Dominic Waughray, Electus, Emilio Lozoya Austin, Ernesto Zedillo Ponce de Leon, Fon Mathuros, Giancarlo Bruno, Gilbert Probst, Guy Goodwin, Guy-Serge Baer, H.M. Queen Rania, Harry Manka, Heizo Takenaka, Helena Leurent, Indra Nooyi, Irene Mia, Ivan Pictet, Jean-Loup Denereaz, Jean-Pierre Rosso, Jeff Immelt, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jennifer Blanke, Jeremy Jurgens, John Moavenzadeh, Josef Ackermann, Joseph Schoendorf, Julianne Jammers, Katerine Tweedie, Kevin Steinberg, Khan Manka, Klaus Schwab, Kofi Annan, Kristel Van der Elst, Kurt Alig, Laurent Desnoux, Lee Howell, Lisa Dreier, Logan Stanton, Maldives Four Seasons, Malte Godbersen, Manka Bros., Margareta Drzeniek Hanouz, Martina Gmur, Massimo Marino, Maurice Levy, Max von Bismarck, Melanie Rogers, Michael Dell, Mirjam Schoning, movie studio, Nazi gold, Niall FitzGerald, Nicolas Sarkozy, Olivier Raynaud, OnMedea, Orit Gadiesh, Paul Smyke, Peter Brabeck-Letmathe, Peter Sutherland, Piers Cumberlege, Pratik Bhatnagar, Rajat Gupta, Regula Waltenspuel, Richard Samans, Ricky Van Veen, Robert Greenhill, Rupert Murdoch, Saadia Zahidi, Sarita Nayyar, Sheana Tambourgi, Sherif El Diwany, Stephanie Janet, Stephen Kinnock, Sumner Redstone, Super Bowl, Susan Hockfield, Sushant Palakurthi Rao, Terry Semel, Tony Blair, Victor L.L. Chu, William George, world's largest media company

Good morning. I have returned from my keynote speech in Davos with a new sense of optimism about our business. After the global success of Avatar and the record-breaking television ratings of the Super Bowl, Old Media is back and we must quickly capture this lightning in a bottle before the New Media geeks take it away from us again.

So… with the recent layoffs and terrible financial news that our company endured last year, it is more important than ever for us to get our ducks in a row. That said, I am arranging a senior management offsite in about a month to determine where we will go from here.

I have narrowed our offsite location choice down to either Bali or the The Maldives.

Please vote on your preference via email or leave a blog comment. I’ll make the final decision in the next few days.

Now, more than ever, we need to commit our resources smartly in order to prosper in this very difficult economic environment.

Also, congratulations to Lloyd Grohl, he was the winner of the Manka Bros. Super Bowl pool. Please drop by my office for your $15,250 winnings. Asshole.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

January 28, 2010May 6, 2011

Davos World Economic Forum – Khan Manka, Jr. Keynote Address

Adrian Monck, Al Berkeley, Alan Marcus, Alex Wong, Andre Schneider, Angela Bromstad, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, Carine Benetti, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, Carlos Ghosn, Carsten Sudhoff, Christine Lagarde, Christophe Weber, Cristiana Falcone, David Aikman, Davos World Economic Forum, Denise Burnet, Dominic Waughray, Electus, Emilio Lozoya Austin, Ernesto Zedillo Ponce de Leon, Fon Mathuros, Giancarlo Bruno, Gilbert Probst, Guy Goodwin, Guy-Serge Baer, H.M. Queen Rania, Harry Manka, Heizo Takenaka, Helena Leurent, Indra Nooyi, Irene Mia, Ivan Pictet, Jean-Loup Denereaz, Jean-Pierre Rosso, Jeff Immelt, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jennifer Blanke, Jeremy Jurgens, John Moavenzadeh, Josef Ackermann, Joseph Schoendorf, Julianne Jammers, Katerine Tweedie, Kevin Steinberg, Khan Manka, Klaus Schwab, Kofi Annan, Kristel Van der Elst, Kurt Alig, Laurent Desnoux, Lee Howell, Lisa Dreier, Logan Stanton, Malte Godbersen, Manka Bros., Margareta Drzeniek Hanouz, Martina Gmur, Massimo Marino, Maurice Levy, Max von Bismarck, Melanie Rogers, Michael Dell, Mirjam Schoning, Nazi gold, Niall FitzGerald, Nicolas Sarkozy, Olivier Raynaud, OnMedea, Orit Gadiesh, Paul Smyke, Peter Brabeck-Letmathe, Peter Sutherland, Piers Cumberlege, Pratik Bhatnagar, Rajat Gupta, Regula Waltenspuel, Richard Samans, Ricky Van Veen, Robert Greenhill, Rupert Murdoch, Saadia Zahidi, Sarita Nayyar, Sheana Tambourgi, Sherif El Diwany, Stephanie Janet, Stephen Kinnock, Sumner Redstone, Susan Hockfield, Sushant Palakurthi Rao, Terry Semel, Tony Blair, Victor L.L. Chu, William George, world's largest media company

[Manka Bros. Studios Chairman & CEO Khan Manka, Jr. gave a keynote address today at the Davos World Economic Forum in Switzerland. He wanted me to post a transcript of his speech for everyone at the studio to read. It is posted, unedited, below. — Vicky Adler-Modry – Senior Executive Assistant to Khan Manka, Jr.]

KHAN MANKA, JR. ADDRESSES THE 2010 DAVOS, SWITZERLAND WORLD ECONOMIC FORUM – JANUARY 28, 2010

Khan Manka, Jr.: Thank you very much President Sarkozy for that incredible introduction. I had no idea of the impact I and my company have had on you throughout your life. I was genuinely moved by your words. Give my love to your smoking hot wife.

[French President Nicolas Sarkozy embraces Khan Manka, Jr. and exits the stage.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Thanks to the World Economic Forum Committee – or as I like to call them “The Drunken Dozen” – for choosing me to address this conference. It’s not often that an ex-hippie song plugger from the Laurel Canyon neighborhood of Los Angeles gets this kind of an opportunity. But it’s not often that a hippie song plugger from Laurel Canyon becomes the head of the World’s Largest Media Company. I can thank my bastard dad (legendary Hollywood mogul and Manka Bros. founding brother Harry Manka) for dying 35 years ago and sticking me with this suck ass job.

[Khan Manka, Jr. has to hold while the audience laughs uproariously.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Let me get right to it. You bankers with your ski resort conferences and presentations looking for answers on what went wrong is such a joke to me.

[A few audible hisses and one very loud “bull shit” is heard from the crowd.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Fuck you guys. The global economy is not a difficult thing to figure out. Make shit that people want to buy and sell it for a price that people can pay. There is a reason Manka Bros. is the World’s Largest Media Company. It’s simple. It’s because we are the biggest and we are not stupid. When Jimmy Cameron came to me and said he wanted to make a $400 million dollar movie about blue people set on a distant planet, I passed. No fucking way am I shooting a movie on another planet. It’s expensive enough in California!

[Silence.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: I then asked him if he had any teenage Frankenstein movies. Actually, he did. I’m happy to say Manka Bros. has started production on James Cameron’s “Frankie Stein” – for a budget that is almost half of what it cost to make “Avatar“. THAT’S good business. That’s why we’re still IN business.

[Silence.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: The media world is especially easy to figure out. Everybody is trying to come up with new business models, new gadgets, new ways for people to experience the crappy shit we all produce. Translation: We’ve got to exploit this horrible movie or TV series on multiple platforms so we can get our money back. MAKE GOOD CONTENT AND PEOPLE WILL BUY IT. If you want to stick it on an iPad or a Lieberscanner 3000, go right ahead. But first, find writers who can write, directors who can direct, actors who can act, and producers who can produce. Everything else will take care of itself.

[Applause and a few shouts of approval.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: You international bankers are a real freaky bunch. You love to find ways not to give me money for my movies. It’s not like you’re strapped for cash. You recovered and kept all that gold the Nazi’s stole, for Christ’s sake!

[There is gasp from the audience.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: But you’ll all be sorry. We’ve got a great film slate. I thought you idiots liked Will Ferrell. We’ve got three movies with him ready to go: “Gregory Lopez: Excellent Plumber”, “Ray Edwards: African Explorer”, and, my favorite, “Mud Jenkins: County Assessor”. We’re going to make billions with or without your precious money… that you stole!

[A red light flashes in Khan Manka, Jr.’s face.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: I’m being told to wrap it up. So I will end with these words from my Uncle – the great Khan Manka, Sr. – “Hollywood is a town where everybody is desperate for success and nearly everyone fails. But if you are a mogul and you make movies, you will get laid… a lot.” Thank you. I’ll be drinking tonight with the Money Honey at the Hotel Eden bar if anyone would like to come over and get drunk with me.

[Khan Manka, Jr. exits the stage.]

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company