May 2012 – Chairman's Blog

It seems that Silicon Valley and Wall Street are going ape shit over the fact that Scott Thompson didn’t really go to college or didn’t get a degree in whatever he said he got one in – or whatever.

At Manka Bros., we could care less about that crap and I would like to offer Scott Thompson a job.

For the record, I, Khan Manka, Jr., didn’t go to college and yet, here I am, Chairman & CEO of the World’s Largest Media Company.

Granted, my father, the asshole Harry Manka, was head of the studio until he died and legally forced me into the job after his death when I would have much rather been concentrating on drugs, girls and my band (the under-appreciated ‘King Khan’).

That said, I’ve been doing it successfully for 36 years and I can barely fucking read.

So, Scott Thompson, it’s time for you to leave those tight-assed judgmental blue-bloods in Silicon Valley and come down to Hollywood where the literacy rate is much lower and we actually go out on dates.

Former heads of Yahoo! have been a great recruiting opportunity for us here at Manka Bros., having previously offered jobs to Carol Bartz and Jerry Yang (still waiting to hear).

The job offer to you is similar – you can pretty much pick any area you want to work (except in New Media or Tech – we have a much higher education standard in place for those jobs).

I would suggest either the Theatrical or Television groups – both are sucking up a storm lately and I’ve been looking to replace Robin Rafe and Jay McBee for the past year (off the record).

The only jobs that are not available are mine and Lloyd Grohl.

Everything else is in play.

Let me know as soon as you are fired – we’d like to get you going here in the next couple of weeks. There is a lot of shit to fix.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

What’s the big freakin’ deal?

Have you ever tried doing anything in China?

It’s impossible if you don’t bribe.

If you don’t bribe, you don’t get in the country. (You suddenly have issues with your visa?)

If you don’t bribe, you get a hotel room with a disgusting hole in the floor instead of a western toilet.

If you don’t bribe, your car breaks down in the middle of some god forsaken scrub land in the hills outside of Beijing. Then you have to sit on the side of the road while your driver laughs at you and then proceeds to sacrifice a chicken and cooks the legs for lunch using his cigarette lighter.

If you don’t bribe, you don’t do business in China.

But it really doesn’t take much. It’s not nearly as expensive as the bribes I had to pay to American officials and union bosses.

You would be amazed how much work you can get done in China just by dangling a carton of Camel Turkish Gold cigarettes in front of someone.

Funny story – I was in China a couple of years ago visiting my girlfriend on the set of our movie “Tae Kwon Doug”. When I got to the set, no one was doing anything. The Chinese crew was playing some bizarre game with colored tiles and drinking some white lightning dragon fire pure alcohol.

I started to ask the American actors what the fuck was going on and I was told the bribe we paid in order to start shooting was in local RMB currency and not in American dollars. Local RMB is like toilet paper to the Chinese. American dollars are preferred.

I immediately fired the American producer, pulled out a few $1 bills from my pocket, spread them around – and suddenly, everyone was ready to work.

As a bonus, I threw in a carton of Camel Turkish Gold and a bottle of American whiskey. We finished shooting the entire movie in three days. It was supposed to be a six week shoot.

That’s what I call results.

So… memo to the Department of Justice… if you want me to cooperate with your little investigation into our business practices in China, it’s going to cost you a few dollars, a few cigarettes and a whole lot of booze.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company