Tag: Art LInklletter

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I Once Ate A Man In Korea

AARP, Alf Landon, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, cannibalism, CNN, east lansing, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, korean war, lester aldrich, manka bros., Michigan, octogenarian, those damn kids, World's largest Media Company, Paul Harvey, Art LInklletter, Lawrence Welk, Garrison Keillor, Andy Rooney, Douglas Macarthur

I once ate a man in Korea.  I’d prefer not to go into details.  The Pentagon told us never to discuss it.  I obey my orders from the Pentagon unlike all these pussy generals that parade onto CNN and talk about how we’re not fighting the war right.  Shut the fuck up! – with all due respect – sirs!

Anyway, I once ate a man in Korea.  The whole man.  Like the Indians with the buffalo, I used every piece of that unlucky son of a bitch.

It was a freezing spring day in 1952 when the “incident” occurred.  Eighteen inches of snow, frozen roads, sub-zero temperatures.  I saw a man’s face shatter like ice when he was shaving with a rusty razor.  Brutal.  Goddamned brutal.  So rather than die of starvation and loneliness – I ate that dead Korean.

AARP, Alf Landon, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, cannibalism, CNN, east lansing, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, korean war, lester aldrich, manka bros., Michigan, octogenarian, those damn kids, World's largest Media Company, Paul Harvey, Art LInklletter, Lawrence Welk, Garrison Keillor, Andy Rooney, Douglas MacarthurAll THOSE DAMN KIDS know how to do is fall off their skateboards and throw dog shit onto my lawn.

I’m going to mark the edge of my property with sulfuric acid so the next time Snotty Scotty falls on my grass the skin will fall right off his ass!  That’s what that punk deserves and that’s what I want to see!

I’ve heard stories that people from Michigan are cannibals by nature.  I’m not sure if that’s true or not.

I haven’t eaten anyone since 1952.  Mrs. Aldrich hasn’t eaten anyone since 1986 (that’s a joke).  It was closer to 1982 (that’s also a joke).  As far as I know, she’s never eaten one person.  But she’s from Iowa.  And people from Iowa are more interested in chicken.

Days like this make me sad.

THOSE DAMN KIDS giggling like gorillas and rolling down my street on their fat bodies will never know what it’s like to be really hungry.  I mean REALLY hungry.  So hungry that you’d… well, you know…

The sacrifices I made just so they could go to Arby’s…

I’ll talk at you next week…

AARP, Alf Landon, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, cannibalism, CNN, east lansing, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, korean war, lester aldrich, manka bros., Michigan, octogenarian, those damn kids, World's largest Media Company, Paul Harvey, Art LInklletter, Lawrence Welk, Garrison Keillor, Andy Rooney, Douglas MacarthurLester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

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I Have A Goddamned Brown Spot The Size Of A Saucer On My Stomach

AARP, Alf Landon, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, cannibalism, CNN, east lansing, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, korean war, lester aldrich, manka bros., Michigan, octogenarian, those damn kids, World's largest Media Company, Paul Harvey, Art LInklletter, Lawrence Welk, Garrison Keillor, Andy Rooney, Douglas Macarthur, AARP, Alf Landon, Andy Rooney, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Art LInklletter, Ben Silverman, brown spot on stomach, cannibalism, CNN, Douglas Macarthur, east lansing, Garrison Keillor, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, kidney removal, korean war, Lawrence Welk, lester aldrich, lung removal, manka bros., Michigan, octogenarian, Paul Harvey, those damn kids, World's largest Media Company

I have a goddamned brown spot the size of a saucer on my stomach.  I don’t know what the hell it is.  It doesn’t hurt.  It doesn’t affect my ability to empty my bodily waste into the colostomy bag.  But it’s annoying as hell to look at.

Dick Shepherd’s got brown spots all over his body.  He never seems to complain about them.  That’s what I like about ol’ Shep.  He’s only got one quarter of a lung left, half a kidney, six fingers (out of  possible ten) and just one eye (and he’s damn near blind out of the other).  If ol’ Shep doesn’t complain, then neither will I.

THOSE DAMN KIDS have really outdone themselves over the last week.  Snotty Scotty has discovered stink bombs and loves to throw them in Mrs. Aldrich’s flower beds.  She cut half of one bush down because she thought they stank like the worst fucking shit ever (my words).

Every time Snotty Scotty throws another one it reminds me of Korea.  If I get hold of that little bastard, I’ll tell him about the stench of burning flesh.  That will teach him.  I wish we could keep a record of smells like a movie can capture images from the past.  If these stupid kids could just smell some of the horrors I’ve smelled, they’d treat me with the respect I deserve.

April is nearly here and I can only hope I’ll be dead before May.  I don’t know how long it takes little brown spots to work their magic, but it won’t be soon enough as far as I’m concerned.

As far as my plans for the rest of the spring go, me and Mrs. Aldrich will be in the bomb shelter eating beans and talking about war.

I’ll talk at you next week…

Lester Aldrich is a freelance columnist for Octogenarian Magazine. Manka Bros. Studios is not responsible for any action by our freelance writers. If Mr. Aldrich actually kills someone, that’s his problem. Manka Bros. cannot (and will not) be held responsible.