You Know You’re Getting Old When You Start Bleeding From The Ass


Don’t fret, idiots, that’s not the subject of my column today – as always, it’s THOSE DAMN KIDS!

However, when I am bleeding from the ass (e.g., this morning), my hatred of those damn kids grows tenfold!  The picture of the elephant on the toilet is not meant to amuse you – it’s to educate you about my daily battle with the toilet.

Let me know give you a little insight into my day.  I get up at 4:30am and will have read the entire Lansing State Journal rag by the time most of the goddamned pipsqueaks on my block have crawled out of bed and had their first bowl of frutti-tutti flakes.

Every morning, me and Mrs. Aldrich sit on our porch and watch dumbfounded as those little jerks scrape dogshit off their sneakers and onto my lawn.

The vicious cycle starts with the parents of those little Hitlers.  Wine swilling, middle class asshole who let their little yap dogs (with their craps the size of Lake Michigan) shit on my sidewalk without cleaning it up.  Come rain or shine, those damn kids step in it every morning, then they say “ewww,” scrape it on my lawn then skip off to school so they can learn how to piss on the flag.

It doesn’t matter if it’s on a day when my ass is bleeding or not – IT DRIVES ME FUCKING CRAZY!!!

But don’t cry for me.  As long as I have blood in my veins and bullets in my gun, I’ll always have the upper hand against THOSE DAMN KIDS!

I’ll talk at you another time…

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