Tag: bleeding from the ass

Posted on

The Last Day I Was Happy

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Lester Aldrich, Those Damn Kids, East Lansing, Michigan, Those Damn Kids, Octogenarian, AARP, Alf Landon, old person blog, retirement sucksThe last day I was happy was August 3rd, 1976.  Maybe down the line a piece I’ll tell you what happened on that day.  But not today.  I’m too sick and tired to talk about something happy.

The Spartans have broken my heart again in the NCAA tournament.  Next year, they will do the same – if I live that long.  It’s always cold as Hell in this God forsaken Michigan!  I don’t think I’ll ever be warm again.

THOSE DAMN KIDS can do whatever they want to me and Mrs. Aldrich today… I just don’t care.

If you want to throw rocks at Mrs. Aldrich… well then goddamned get on with it!

If you want to stick vegetables in the tailpipe of my car… then knock yourselves out!

If you want to dump wet cement over my rose bushes again – it’s all yours, boys!

If you want to stick super glue under the door handle of the car so Mrs. Aldrich’s hand gets stuck again – nobody named Lester is going to stop you!

I’m not going to kill them today because I just don’t care enough to kill.

This is my 86th March 25th and whoop-ti-fucking-do, what a day it is.  Bring on the Slivovitz.

I’ll talk at you next week…

Lester Aldrich is a freelance columnist for Octogenarian Magazine. Manka Bros. Studios is not responsible for any action by our freelance writers. If Mr. Aldrich actually kills someone, that’s his problem. Manka Bros. cannot (and will not) be held responsible.

Posted on

You Know You’re Getting Old When You Start Bleeding From The Ass

AARP, aging, Alf Landon, Andy Rooney, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Art LInkletter, Ben Silverman, bleeding from the ass, cannibalism, CNN, colon bleeding, colostomy bag, Douglas Macarthur, east lansing, elephant toilet, Garrison Keillor, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Khan Manka, Korean War, korean war, lansing state journal, Lawrence Welk, lester aldrich, Lew Wasserman, Manka Bros., manka bros., Michigan, octogenarian, old man blog, Paul Harvey, Rupert Murdoch, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, those damn kids, World War 2, World's largest Media Company

Don’t fret, idiots, that’s not the subject of my column today – as always, it’s THOSE DAMN KIDS!

However, when I am bleeding from the ass (e.g., this morning), my hatred of those damn kids grows tenfold!  The picture of the elephant on the toilet is not meant to amuse you – it’s to educate you about my daily battle with the toilet.

Let me know give you a little insight into my day.  I get up at 4:30am and will have read the entire Lansing State Journal rag by the time most of the goddamned pipsqueaks on my block have crawled out of bed and had their first bowl of frutti-tutti flakes.

Every morning, me and Mrs. Aldrich sit on our porch and watch dumbfounded as those little jerks scrape dogshit off their sneakers and onto my lawn.

The vicious cycle starts with the parents of those little Hitlers.  Wine swilling, middle class asshole who let their little yap dogs (with their craps the size of Lake Michigan) shit on my sidewalk without cleaning it up.  Come rain or shine, those damn kids step in it every morning, then they say “ewww”, scrape it on my lawn then skip off to school so they can learn how to piss on the flag.

It doesn’t matter if it’s on a day when my ass is bleeding or not – IT DRIVES ME FUCKING CRAZY!!!

But don’t cry for me.  As long as I have blood in my veins and bullets in my gun, I’ll always have the upper hand against THOSE DAMN KIDS!

I’ll talk at you another time…

Lester Aldrich is a freelance columnist for Octogenarian Magazine.  Manka Bros. Studios is not responsible for any action by our freelance writers.  If Mr. Aldrich actually kills someone, that’s his problem.  Manka Bros. cannot (and will not) be held responsible.

Posted on

Things Aren’t As Funny As They Used To Be

 

Here it is, another morning that I managed to wake up.  Jesus fucking Christ.  Oh, well…

As I edge toward my 90s, things aren’t as funny as they used to be.

It’s not as funny when Mrs. Aldrich falls down the steps.  She gets hurt now and I have to get out of my chair to do something about it.

It’s not as funny on the Archie Bunker show when they flush the toilet.  It used to be so funny.  But that was 40 years ago.

It’s not as funny when I see Those Damn Kids fall down on their skateboards and break their legs.  There was a time a few years ago when I would laugh for days when that happened.  Now it’s just a couple of chuckles and I’m done with it.

Maybe it’s this terrible recession and my retirement savings going down the drain – or maybe it’s my horrible eyesight and my inability to see the television too clearly – or maybe I’m just dying and that’s just not as funny as it used to be.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

I’ll talk at you next week…

AARP, Alf Landon, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, cannibalism, CNN, east lansing, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, korean war, lester aldrich, manka bros., Michigan, octogenarian, those damn kids, World's largest Media Company, Paul Harvey, Art LInklletter, Lawrence Welk, Garrison Keillor, Andy Rooney, Douglas MacarthurLester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids