Kimmo on Kino – Page 2 – Behind the Proscenium

September 6, 2013September 6, 2013

Riddick [REVIEW]

Riddick

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

As summer ends, it begins.

In the southern of California, my new happy place, I smile for the heat is less than it was and yet women wear no clothes.

Win, win!

Although it is a time for a movie suckage-fest that makes my brain say “Eyeballs! No more of the film watching! I am becoming a mush brain!” the summer has many of the good.

As before when I said, auditioning but never working actress people in sun dresses are better for eyeballs than Cinema.

Hubba.

Then, my sadness is rising as my body is limping – the heat is for arrival.

Hot.

Heat.

100 degrees and my air conditioned cooler machine works like Baz Luhrmann directing “Platoon.” As in, my apartment was to be cooled by American soldiers in Vietnam dancing to Beyoncé music while wearing gold-lamé banana hammocks.

Or to say with less words, the AC didn’t work.

My taint is a jungle. Steaming. Sweaty. With an itch that I fear to scratch.

Like “Riddick.”

The last of the movies that summer spits up into the multi-plex.

Just when good movie time is to begin again – movie Spring in Fall – the last drooling retard movie must stumble into the theater.

“Come on in Riddick – I can handle your drool-ish suck.”

But wait… I am in for the surprising! WTF?

I am all for “Riddick”!

Confession – I made love to “Pitch Black” (beautiful dreams). Radha Mitchell was to be my Queen (before even Ginnifer Goodwin).

Then my thumbs drooped for “The Chronicles of Riddick” (that had as much to do with “Pitch Black” as American soldiers in gold-lamé banana hammocks, etc., etc.).

I no exciting thoughts had in my mind for the new one.

Wrong. Yes, there is the admission.

Plot? Ka-boom!!! Good ka-boom.

Here goes (give me the forgiving, for this is short, as the spoilage must be avoided):

Riddick (Vin Diesel) – post crappy “Chronicles” – is betrayed by his own people and left for dead on a desolate, sun-scorched planet.

There is nothing to do… but then come on forces to mess with Riddick and battle the alien predators that beset him. Because the alien predators beset everybody.

These are not the alien predators with dreadlocks. These have no sense of humor and would easily lose to Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Riddick waits until he is stronger than ever and a team of bounty hunters in the universe can challenge to open hunting him.

While a devastating storm comes raging, swears the bad-ass soldiers of misfortune (clever!) that they will only leave the planet if they have the head of Riddick in a box – like the end of “Se7en” says Team Better Clothes Boss Johns (Matt Nable).

But with his enemy exactly where he wants, Riddick start his own merciless revenge.

Only he can pave the way to return to home planet Furya back. The leader of Team We Don’t Shave (Jordi Molla) is also in the way.

The good?

EVERYTHING!

Especially the toughest ass-kick woman on seven solar systems, Dahl (Katee Sackhoff). Maybe more solar systems.

I pulled seven from the hole behind my jungle taint. And Riddick kills slimy alien monster bastards with his hands and other appendages.

Damn straight.

Then there is more alien killing, more human killing, and a big ass storm!

Yeehaw!!!

So, two thumbs reaching up to the planet where on day I will frolic with Radha Mitchell – even though the heat makes me wilt like the Swedes in modern warfare (oh, that’s right Sweden, you’re neutral – or maybe…NEUTERED!).

I was too tired to smoke the sweet, sweet smoke and too much thirsty to drink other than bubbly sugar water and I still want to see “Riddick” three more times.

And not just for the air conditioning. If for that, I would see it ten more.

Go, now. Or better yet, go yesterday – then comment and say how much you loved “Riddick” – and missed Radha Mitchell.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Only four more episodes of “Breaking Bad.” I am not ready for an ending to come. My Sunday’s will more have Skinny Pete and Badger. No more Saul. No more Jesse. Who on my television screen will yell “Yo, bitch!”? My face is in the shape of sad. I will miss you, Walter White. Marie, I will not miss you, so go to hell.

August 23, 2013

The World’s End [REVIEW]

The World’s End

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

There are times in which life is art.

And then the art is also life, in reality.

The brain sees, with his eyeball friends, things that are not real reality – but film reality which is sometimes MORE real, although not at all.

This is that time, or was.

When I was in “The World’s End.”

Or so I had the thought that it was true.

I’ll explain.

“The World’s End” is my life story without me and my life.

“How am this be possible, Kimmo?” shouts your thoughts.

So did my own thinking thoughts, with the shouting. I was confusion.

See if this helps:

Plot? Hell right!

In the distant past, before internet porn, Gary (Simon Pegg) was too cool for most school. He had too cool friends – Peter (Eddie Marsan), Oliver (Martin Freeman), Steven (Paddy Considine) and funny fat guy Andrew (Nick Frost).

They are different actors when younger. Even with the sweet, sweet smoke there was no brain confusion from this.

They went on the most ever of all epic pub crawls (in Finland we call this “pretty much every day of the week”) – “The Golden Mile” only to become whimpy nerds after six.

This failing causes them all to be boring older persons, except for Gary, who is still good at drinking.

In the today times, Gary wants to recreate the moment and defeat “The Golden Mile” and make it to the last pub (The World’s End) where there will be much vomiting if done correctly.

He gathers his older, more hairless gang, and head to town.

Then weird shit hits the fan.

I will give no spoiling, only to say that the trailer had robots and the movie has robots. On a pub crawl.

This is where it is my life.

In Finland, there are many crawling to pubs AND there are robots. Son of a bitch.

Why is my living life on the movie screen? I am in freak out mode.

Simon Pegg is playing me. WTF?

When I had a calmer time, I began to see the genius of it all. Make a movie about Kimmo, without Kimmo, and Kimmo will love the damn thing!

So, what have my feelings on this to say?

First, great, great movie!

Friends, beer, hot chicks, beer, shots, beer, robots, beer, and then more beer.

Acting – great! Andy drinks water and Gary is all “you are for the drinking of rain!”. So, writing is good, too.

If you are of the drinking person type, you will drool into your popcorn.

I did.

The beer is luxuriously photo’d. Damn, the beer was pretty.

Then there are three girls known in the past as “The Marmalade Sandwich.”

They deserve it, and prove it in the best sequence that had no nudity but was still “ooo la la” to my nether regions. My loins quivered.

My only fault finding with this film was that the three were not butt naked. The movie would have then been an instant classical movie.

So, two thumbs straining to the sky! I am all happiness, for now I know that Hollywood (English Hollywood – they talk more better and party hearty!) knows how my mind thinks and that makes me happy.

For I miss Finland.

I miss crawling to pubs.

And I miss crawling to pubs with robots.

Go to Finland and one day you will miss these things, too.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. American football is almost here. I have now eaten a hot wing, a nacho, and those quesadilla things. American football will make me a fatty fatterson! And I am in love with it!

August 16, 2013

Lee Daniels’ The Butler

[Editor’s Note: Mr. Mustonenen has taken an unorthodox approach to this week’s review of “Lee Daniels’ The Butler.” We at Behind The Proscenium support his decision completely. If you have any talent and/or interest in film review and criticism, please e-mail us at intern@mankabros.com or let us know why you would be great for the job in the comments below Thank you for your continued support!]

Lee Daniels’ The Butler

With Wit, NOT Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

This is not reviewing a movie.

I did not see the movie and feel that to review what did not walk on my eyes would be like a lie, but with less evil.

More of leading you into a non-existence that would be now existing, but impossible.

Like Silver Lake, but with less neck-beard, skinny jean, fake eyeglass wearing hipster douching bags.

Or just as many. I don’t know. I didn’t see it.

Crazy.

So. I sit in my car, maximum bonging taking up my last minutes before to work I must go.

My lung sacks burned by the sweet, sweet smoke. My mind now has the “artist time” thoughts.

Also the “I’m for the chewing of popcorn” thoughts and “time for a shot of Kossu” thoughts and “that American girl has twin pendulous personalities” thoughts (nerds, I am referring to epic boob-dom – touch one/both sometime, it is awesome).

My ass crack is ready for theater seating.

Then my eyeballs are swung to the marquee. My mind now has not thoughts.

My mind is “WTF?”

Because my mind sees (with the eyeball help) “Lee Daniels’ The Butler.”

I am confusion.

I am to see “The Butler.” Who in Justin Bieber hell is Lee Daniels? And how does his name grow in front of a movie?

Tyler Perry may do this. He is the Queen of Drag and may command it.

I have no remembering of any other asshole with a name before a movie.

Oh. Cheech and Chong. But they share a genius brain and I think I am related.

Mr. Daniels man has an ego inflated like my stomach balloon after six Taco Bell Nacho Cheese Loco Tacos. Only with the taco orgy, I can later lift a butt cheek and deflate myself hideously.

Nothing could deflate Mr. Daniels. Proof?

His last asshole movie name was “Precious (Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire).”

WTF? This man is an asshole. Or as we cry in Finland, “sir, you are an asshole.”

Lee Daniels, sir, you are an asshole.

By the time these thoughts choke for air in my car and mind, thinking and thinking (and hating), I am seeing that movie time for watching is in the past 30 minutes. Do I stay? Do I go?

Then I think, “if this dick-face made “Shark Night in 3D 2” I would not let my eyes watch.”

I speak the truth. What an ass-hat.

So, now, I must talk on the good. And the good was even gooder. Not cinema. No.

“Breaking Bad, Season 5B, Episode One.”

I will never be Mr. Meth-Head tweeker, spitting teeth into the breakfast and hair balls like the cat. Bad news. But why couldn’t Walter White (Bryan Cranston) had the botany hard on?

Good thing that is a no – because his ganj would be in my bowl, and I would be forever in the parking lot, pupils pointed at the marquee, thinking “Who the hell does this jerking off Lee Daniels think he is?”

There would still be much waiting for an answer… but MUCH less of the caring.

For concluding: Lee Daniels, my whirling butt-cherry is for the kissing. Now.

Next week – “The World’s End.” Nerds, start your engine motors!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

August 9, 2013

Elysium [REVIEW]

Elysium

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

The days of a dog summer are arrived.

The testicle kick torture that is summer movie season nears its end.

How much more can my two amigos take?

“The Great Gatsby” – pow, right in the pills.

“Fast and the Furious 6” – a hard punch to the giggleberries.

“White House Downer” – bitch slap to my plucked turkeys.

My junk can take no more. My area is a mess.

There is hope… It is called “Elysium.”

Neill Blomkamp made my head kaboom with “District 9.” The story of giant shrimp oppressed and the man (Sharlto Copley) who through a shrimp STD becomes another shrimp. He has their pain. He isn’t a shrimp Nelson Mandela – but that may never be, sadly. “District 9” had effects, good. Plot, surprise! Acting, cool.

What did my brain want with “Elysium”?

Good effects, surprise plot, cool acting. One out of three ain’t good (sorry Meatloaf).

Plot? Yes.

Used many times in the past times – used again.

In the further future, after “Blade Runner,” the rain has stopped in Los Angeles. The Japanese people have gone back to their homes and the Hispanics have returned from Japan.

It is daylight. Neon is not longer in fashion. Robots look like robots, not “I wanna make a little replicant with you” replicants like Sean Young (in the last century, she had for the hot – no shit).

Max (Matt Damon) was a child with Frey (Alice Braga). They are cute orphans. We cannot smell their orphan smell, so we still like them.

When older, Max having starred in “Fast and The Furious 73,” now just wants to build robots and be harassed by cop robots who are really cops from today in robot suits.

All are dusty and tattooed. All want to go up to Elysium.

Especially when Max gets a case of special die in exactly five days radiation.

Why Elysium?

Elysium is Las Vegas, but with healing, without cigarette smoke.

Delacourt (Jodie Foster) wants to keep it Las Vegas and is a bitch.

She hates Hispanics, giant shrimp, possibly the Japanese, and Max.

They are not allowed the Las Vegas.

Not even State Line.

There are mind thought transfers. Max becomes low-budget Transformer. Frey is pretty. Charles Manson Kruger (Sharlto Copley again –please speak English when speaking English – I will never know how you said what you said until I get the Blu-ray and use the CC) will soon attend Overactor’s Anonymous.

This night was a Kossu only for Kimmo night.

Big mistake.

I could see the future of the film before that future was the now.

Poor people, sad.

Rich people, mean.

Movie goer, still waiting for giant shrimp.

Would a better place be film “Elysium” with the sweet, sweet smoke? This can never be known.

So, two thumbs needing exo-skeleton to stand tall – waiting for five day radiation death, but only having to survive the hour and forty-nine minute movie film which seemed like five day radiation death.

But no 3D! Praise Odin!!!

Bad? No.

Good? No.

Matt Damon? He did many sit-ups and push-ups for preparing to act. I now feel fat.

So… see “Elysium” and feel fat. High praise!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Fall is coming. Which says Winter is coming. Which says “Game of Thrones” will return. Soon Westeros will be Finland, with more nudity (and dragons – no dragons in Finland). Who is point with thumbs at his face like a spastic and grinning and saying “who cannot wait for nude Finn Westeros Game of Thrones? This guy!”

Boom!

July 26, 2013July 26, 2013

The Wolverine [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kate Middleton, Pippa MIddleton, Prince George of Cambridge, Comic Con, Jack Kirby, George Miller, Tim Burton, Jonas Salk, The Wolverine, James Mangold, Mark Bomback, Scott Frank, Christopher McQuarrie, Hugh Jackman, Tao Okamoto, Rila Fukushima, Hiroyuki Sanada, Svetlana Khodchenkova, Brian Tee, Hal Yamanouchi, Will Yun Lee, Ken Yamamura, Famke Janssen, Nobutaka Aoyagi, Seiji Funamoto, Nobuaki Kakuda, Sarah Naylor-Liddell, J Remlton, Andy Owens, Geoff Burke, Joshua Remilton, Yaeko Kimura, Ryula Kimura, Briden Starr, Marla Lukasheva, William Takayanagi-Temm, Erich Chickashi Linzbichler, Yoshinori Fukushige, Hiroshi Kasuga, Kosuke Masano, Keiko Matsumoto, Yumiko Nakamura, Garret Sato, Yoji Tatsuta, James Fraser, Ian McKellen, Patrick Stewart, Luke Webb, Joseph M Caracciolo, Stan Lee, Hutch Parker, Lauren Shuler Donner, Marco Beltrami, Ross Emery, Michael McCusker, Yoko Narahashi, Francois Audouy, Ian Gracie, Riki Nakanishi, Michael Turner, Isis Mussenden, Kelly Allison, Anne Bruning, Aaron Downing, Motoki Ishida, Nadia Paine, Sam Alvelo, Debbie Antoniou, Drew Bailey, Hideaki Jimbo, Yoshi Ando, Maggie Baron, Danielle Blakey, Jason Bogard, James Bramley, Susannah Brengel, Kate Buckman, Kit Conners, Jessica Derhammer, Pru Donovan, Jim Dunlap, Aleisha Rose Groth, Colleen Hanafin, Jordan Haro, Charles Harrington, Koichiro Iwagami, Ronin Jonathan, Jonny Kennerley, Oscar Knott, Amy Libowsky, Lynnette Lai Suet Lynn, Ross Maloney, Lance Masa, Phillip Roope, Xiao Sun, Roberto Tarrats, Molly Tompkins, Satoko Tsuji, Taris Tyler, Ryan Unicomb, Minn Vo, Sheila Waldron, Natacha Williams, Lesley Wise, Carl Wood, Shane Wynter, Michael Horvath

The Wolverine

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

There is much to fall out of my brain and skipping my mouth through straight to typing.

First, “The Wolverine.” I will review it. I promise this right into your face.

Seconded, the goddamn Royalty child.

Is he to be Luke Skywalker?

Is he to be Jonas Salk?

Will he be able to stuff delicious sausage in his kitchen someday, like cousin Raimo or family friend Petteri?

Maybe all.

Most likely none.

It is a little human squirm worm in the now – all poopy and drooly.

CNN, let the tiny King clone grow into something before filling my 50 inch plasma with nothing.

Thank you.

But the Royal sister in law. Pippen.

I would see her naked and stuff her with my own delicious sausage.

I believe such an action is the way to her heart.

Her royal butt is a national treasure and must be preserved in the Tower or wherever they place the royal butts for public viewing.

Third, why at Comic-Con are there very few for comics to see?

Not crappy “I am standing in front of a mike opening and boy are my arms tired for flapping comic”

No.

Comic BOOK.

Comic-Con needs to have the name “Movies That Nerds Will Squirt On-Com” in the now time. Because the comic book part slides away into the place where A-Ha lives.

Like Purgatory.

Or Chatsworth (L.A. humor FTW!!!).

The Jack Kirby panel was awesome, I must say once or twice. Not Justice League Movie blah, blah, blah.

So suck it, nerds.

Oh, and Batman vs. Superman? You mean the movie Tim Burton should have made slightly after the Big Bang event of too big movies in my childhood?

“The Dark Night Returns” is still waiting for the filming to be in its now (graphic novel – 1986 – “I’ve got the home stretch all to myself…”).

Where have you gone, Frank Miller? Make it happen!

Damn! That was a good feeling for me!

With words my mind can lance the icky boil of its own making. The mind cluster thoughts that make me yell at my cat.

Yet, she never listens or makes mad.

Good kitty.

Ooze, mind boil. Ooze. My cat needs no more loud words.

“The Wolverine.”

I almost had to forget why we are here.

I saw “X-Men Origins – Wolverine.” I thought the same was to be, but no. There is now Japan, and when there is not Anime.

Boy howdy, without Anime Japan can be cool.

This is good.

The Kossu and sweet, sweet smoke had me to believe that the before times were the now times (at the same time! Mind blown.)

No. The more things are the same the more they may change.

Plot? Is anybody there? Does anybody care? Does anybody see what I review?

Encountering each other once they were in Nagasaki during the atomic bomb (in the past) are Logan/Wolverine (Hugh Jackman – veiny muscles!!!) with important Japanese guy (Important Japanese Actor – I was not racist, just higher than Asgard – still am), is in the apocalyptic destruction of violence for a fleeting moment, an impression of the curse and blessing of Wolverine’s superhuman self-healing forces.

Atom bomb?

Yo, I’m Wolverine, bitch (thank you Jesse Pinkman!)!!!

This capability provides Yashida (Important Actor is Haruhiko Yamanouchi, HA, apologize to Kimmo now!) to take on himself, so that his old friend can have a normal life with “an ordinary death” – and he himself immortality.

Son of a bitch.

Wolverine hesitates long enough to burial Yashida whose granddaughter and sole heiress Mariko (Tao Okamoto) has desperately needed a seemingly invulnerable watch dog.

That’s it. Dammit.

The Kossu says “no more GD plot – it brings back the flashbacks.”

I’m done.

My brain cells are back at Comic-Con, hearing nerds argue over which Princess Leia was more for boner eruption.

Obviously, the one in glasses. But only those that had a prescription. Fake glasses are the suck and make a loser.

Like a fake wheelchair. Not cool.

Except, I guess, for line cutting at the land of Disney. I am ashamed for doing it…

So, two thumbs… UP! Like my bone.

Crazy.

Famke Janssen alone is my magnificent queen! Two hot old chicks with their asses making to kick in a row (see “R.I.P.D.” review from last week, I will not stop you – Mary-Louise Parker is waiting for your eyes for her to see her) is summer movie greatness.

Finally, and no CGI needed. I’m ready for my “Pacific Rim” job. Heh, heh, heh.

You go, girls.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Under The Dome” from great to “dog butt scoot carpet stain” in four weeks. It took “Lost” six seasons to ruin the rug that was my senses. Congrats, Under the Dumb. You are the Oreck Vacuum of suck.

July 19, 2013

R.I.P.D. [REVIEW]

R.I.P.D.

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Our brains can be crap.

Yes, this happens.

We think the excited, only for the suck to rise.

Why can this be for the happening?

We crave good.

I will give anything more than ever the chances it (“good movie, please Odin” speaks my brain) deserves.

I am for wanting every movie that is watched to be the greatness that was “Shark Night 3D”.

The universe thinks I deserve a worsening. So the universe makes me be with “R.I.P.D.”

Lord.

A mess this is in my mind place. My brain crap is now confusion.

I have seen this movie!

Three times.

“Men Are Black,” “Men Are Black II,” and “Men Are Black III (in 3D!).”

Tommy Lee Jones (“Abraham Lincoln Laywer”) and Will Smith (“Legend I Am”) put their good foot right in the ass while kicking. New thoughts and stories made my face a happy smile place.

Now this crap. Ugh.

Plot? You know it. I mean, you really know it. I go on anyway.

Nick the Cop (Ryan Reynolds) is killed by Hayes (Kevin Bacon – here, one degree from toilet water). Nick goes to Dilbert Heaven – corporate Heaven would really be Hell, although having the hot, hot, hot Mary-Louise Parker (is she really almost 49? – her soul must have been rented to the devil) there gives it some hope – and he (Nick) gets to become “Death Cop – Deado Killer.”

Really.

He is paired with Tommy Lee Jo- No.

Shit! He is paired with Roy (Jeff Bridges) who talks with his mouth like he has had a stroke.

Or two.

They are disguised to be a Chinese and Hot Boob-ula Chick (Marisa Miller – so hot when on the page and not moving, not so hot when talking). We must never know they are just actors, acting badly.

They are after “Deados” – dead people who are escaping the movie to get to a real life. Like T.V.’s “Reaper”, only less good stuff.

Nick wants to be with his not dead wife again.

Did it happen? Did I care?

Did I drink so much Kossu that the last 25 minutes where placed in a brain blender to be remembered as “whoooosh”?

I don’t know. No. And yes.

This hot mess did not direct itself. No. First, the story board was published in 2001 (now are you nerds happy?). Then Robert Schwentke needed money and said “sure! I’ll poop one out for ya!”

Voila! “R.I.P.D.”

Why, Hollywood, why?

Must all summer flicks be regurgitated Franken-films that am made from the body parts of other movies. Or be a clone of previous clone movies?

As long as the dollars flow to box offices like Kossu flows to my liver nightly we will be seeing the Franken-films forever. Damn…

My thumbs are weird and confusing. They twitched when things went boom. They twitched when the Hot Boob-ula Chick would walk in the slo-mo.

They twitched when I ran out of the most delicious ice cream Bon Bons even chewed by a man (me).

So, for this “R.I.P.D.” I had epileptic thumbs. Pointing every direction but up.

Tell your eyes to wait for “The Conjuring” or “The Smurfs 2.” I kid about the Smurfs. I would rather be shot in the face and eaten by weasels.

I speak the truth.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Breaking Bad” is about to come to an ending. My sadness is bulging for there will be no more shows to see to. My love for this T.V. showing is so great that I will name my fantasy hockey club “Team Heisenberg” this year. If this is beyond your understanding sign up with Netflix and watch the damn show. Yesterday.

You’re welcome.

HEY – NOW “LIKE” ME ON FACEBOOK PLEASE!

June 28, 2013

White House Down [REVIEW]

White House Down

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Hollywood has hit me in my surprise place.

How is this possible?

I have large Hollywood knowledge – it cannot sneak up on myself.

But it did.

“Olympus Has Fallen Over” was released to us in March. It is June and the remake is already out!

Surprise!!!

A movie film that made $93 million is for to be a new movie costing $150 million in making.

Hollywood is smart.

“White Houses Downer” jumped from Roland Emmerich’s head and onto the screen with a splatter.

Bummer to me? Sure – but at least I didn’t have to review “The Heat” – flaming pain death would be better than that.

Or a kick to the ball sack.

Plot? Sure.

“White Houses Downer” is another “Die Hard” in the White House.

Django (Jamie Foxx) is as President Obama. He is for the quipping and is cool. Mike the Magician (Channing Tatum) is John McClane, with shoes.

There is a kid stuffed with cute. Hans Gruber (Who Cares) is running wild after falling from Nakatomi Plaza. Argyle (Nicolas Wright) has with a promotion now tours for the White House (not a downer, nor falling over) and is somehow whiter.

Maggie Gyllenhall looks more for the weird than ever (impossible! Yet true… would still do her if drunk).

Now (drums roll with excitement) – summer action movie roll-call… BEGIN!

CGI explosions: Here, sir!

CGI buildings falling down: Here, sir!

CGI car chases: Here, sir!

CGI aircraft: Here, sir!

Two dimensional characters: Here, sir!

Interesting thought inducing story:

Oh, shit.

Not here.

Ever.

Damn.

Where have you gone, Steven Seagal? You were never “just the cook.” Your “Die Hard” was better than this “Die Hard.” And on a boat.

And Magic Mike – why? Lucky for you there is more clothes than the last movie where you wear a mere banana hammock.

Terrorists could easily have defeated you in your budgie smugglers.

You have the muscles for wearing the nut huggers, but when defeating bad guys, the packed lunch is not to be out front.

Good job Magic Mike.

So… my thumbs know not what they have to do. I stayed awake. Is that good?

Maybe there is a yes – but the movie had so much loud ka-bang that not even the dead could stay asleep.

My butt did not hurt. But, again, the ka-bang made my seat into magic fingers that caressed my gluteus nicely with love.

I still had yearnings for the sweet, sweet smoke (I’m for the cutting down of it – to many munchies making me Mr. Fat Finn) but not so much that I cried for “White Houses Downer” to end.

See it if you missed “Olympus Has Fallen Over.”

Or have so much time for wasting that your life is a worthless pile. Then see the thing. That is all.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Under the Dome” is the shit. A cow was cut in to two pieces. There was teenager sexing, plane explosions and death. How to be perfection? Acting lessons. And maybe Malin Akerman’s little sister. She is candy in my eye. Make it so, CBS. Now.

June 7, 2013

The Purge [REVIEW]

The Purge

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I lost at betting.

Son of a bitch.

“The Purge” was in my thinking mind in the past a game on video.

I ran in the night, a gun as my hand-end, blood lust making me lust –yes, LUST, to kill Ethan Hawke.

I had only one night, and my violence, like Taco Bell, would give me “The Purge,” but with less mess.

No. I was thinking Unreal Tournament 2004 (never gets the olds!).

In my “sweet, sweet smoke life” (high, who haven’t read past Kimmo) I enter the arena and all I am to kill is Ethan Hawke.

Everyone or thing that runs in my perfect mind is Ethan Hawke.

“Head Shot!”

Ethan.

“Multi-Kill!”

A shit-ton of Ethans.

“Rampage!”

The entire Republic of Ethan Hawke… Dead.

But “The Purge” is a movie, but not even real. The greatest disappointment.

Review? If I must.

Plot? Sure. In ten years, America is back in the 1750s. Morality is cool because everyone has the job to just live.

Remember “Rollerball”? The good one? 1975?

“In the not too distant future, wars will no longer exist – but there will be… ROLLERBALL!”

Cue Bach.

In the not too distant future, crime will no longer exist – but there will be… a low budget movie trying to make my mind believe that those on the crack will not rob suburban people except on gang-banger Christmas – or “The Purge.”

Ethan Hawke is a rich guy. He is married to Cersei Lannister (Lena Headey). The Purge is a yearly festival where there is corn dogs and candy – plus the unlimited killing and illegal parking.

Ethan’s children let a man with no home (sad) into the house during the fun. Pants-around-the-knees-people and others who should be schooling want the homeless man to end up “Head Shot!”

I start to run with my RPG and look for Ethan Hawke!

Dammit!

Movie, not game.

Only Kossu can sooth my mind now. What in Hell’s name is happening to the thoughts that normally roost with ease on the stick that is my mind perch?

Game. Movie. Game. Movie.

Nothing and everything is so real that my reality wants nothing more than Cheetos. And a large coke. The smoke is talking.

Thank you, sweet smoke!

Okay. Two thumbs right on up there. Any thought from my brain stem that remembers me on the “Rollerball” (the good one) gets everything up in my book. Yes, everything – remember Ella?

No? And your mouth tells me you are a movie fan… Disappoint. See “Rollerball.”

Now, as my bet was for losing, I must watch “Moulin Rouge” again. Sober.

Ethan Hawke – please kill me with your RPG. Fair is fair.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Heidi Klum on “America’s Got Talent”? How about Heidi Klum on Kimmo Mustonenen? Please Odin! I would take that over Tuukka Rask (Finnish brother!) winning the Stanley Cup. I am ashamed of this –yet I stand with it.

Heidi, my Kossu, my smoke, and little Kimmo wait for you…

May 24, 2013

Fast & Furious 6 [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, Fast and Furious 6, Justin Lin, Chris Morgan, Gary Scott Thompson, Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Dwayne Johnson, Jordana Brewster, Michelle Rodriguez, Tyrese Gibson, Sung Kang, Gai Gadot, Ludacris, Luke Evans, Elsa Pataky, Gina Carano, Clara Paget, Kim Kold, Johannes Taslim, Samuel M. Stewart, Benjamin Davies, Matthew Stirling, David Ajala, Thure Lindhardt, Shea Whigham, Andrei Zayats, John Ortiz, Jason Thorpe, Huggy Leaver, Alexander Vegh, Magda Rodriguez, Andy Pointon, Victor Gardener, Estrella Lorenzo, Carolina Pozo, Reveil Beat, Sarah Yan Li, Lee Asquith-Coe, Jin Au-Yeung, Mark Badham, Paul Blackwell, Lee Bolton, Jonathan Brooks, Siong Loong Choong, Leon Corbin, Max William Crane, Lee Craven, Gioacchino Jim Cuffaro, Catherine Delaloye, Rowena Diamond, Amy Forrest, Michael Hagen, Lewis James, Baron Jay, Denis Khoroshko, Stephen Marcus, Alex Martin, Allistair McNab, Rita Ora, Diezel Ramos, Deborah Rosan, Eddie Ruben, Glen Stanway, Jason Stratham, Julian Stone, Bao Tieu, Alexander Dostal, Neal H Moritz, Clayton Townsend, Lucas Vidal, Stephen F Windon, Greg D'Auria, Kelly Matsumoto, Christian Wagner, Lucinda Syson, Jan Roelfs, Guy Bradley, David Cain, Frank Cuomo, Simon Emanuel, Nick Fulton, Tobin Hughes, Barrett J. Leigh, Michael Malone, Jason Pomerantz, Adam Teeuw, Sergey Yahontov, Valentina Borfecchia, Gadi Cimand, Alex Aitken

Fast & Furious 6

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I remember once the confusion of the now.

In my head.

Years in the past, I wandered in the theater.

I saw the sign – “Fast and The Furious 5.”

“A cool new band!” I thought.

How much of the cool could be this singer Fast? Rock star name!

And The Furious Five? Double down the cool.

Then the confusion.

Awesome rock roll band is nowhere – instead very loud, very dumb film called “Fast & Furious 5.”

Oh, how much wishing I was doing for myself that “Fast & Furious 6” would really be the nowhere band of Fast made into real reality with an additional Furious.

No. Another very loud, very dumb film.

Plot?

Really? You care? Okay.

So the last one is in the front of your brain. Remember that… And it is precisely this last scene of the furious hammer action “Fast & Furious 5” linked onto “Fast & Furious 6” and knitting a functional, though not particularly exciting story about it.

In this Hobbs (The Rock – he smells what you’re cookin’!) shows up to Dom (Vin Diesel) and Brian (Paul Walker), who have fled abroad from the grasp of U.S. authorities, and their dream of freedom living abroad, together, in love.

Brian is now father and makes it much more leisurely approach as Dom. After all, one has no more financial worries thanks to the coup in Brazil, but that is for other times.

But Hobbs, the steamroller in the service of crime, both will not lock up unexpectedly. Rather, he needs their help.

He is investigating Owen Shaw (Luke Evans), a mercenary who performs with his crew around the globe spectacular raids and currently the items of a “techno bomb” shit-storm maker that could turn off the communication of a crucial state for hours (they must have been looking at T.V’s “Revolution” – suck breeds suck).

He receives support from all of Letty (Michelle Rodriguez). There is certainly no question that Dom and Brian drum up their old team to put the craft Shaw, Letty to bring back to the family and to earn a pardon for past deeds.

Then…

VROOM!

SCREECH!

CRASH!

KABOOM!

AAARRRRGHHH!!!

AIRPLANE!

TANK!

HOT BUTT!

DOUBLE VROOM!

WHOOSH!

Then finally ZZZZZZZZZZ…

That is me – sleeping. So loud, this film, but noise is easily defeated by the sweet, sweet smoke.

I get it. I’m in the know. These things poop money into giant piles. I understand.

Word of advice to film crafter and makers – take some of the excess treasure and hire a writer of smart words and good ideas. Then very loud, very stupid money maker can be loud, fun money maker and I can be awake and my ears not be bleeding.

Think about this. Please.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “American Idol” is now almost to the death. We want White Guy With Guitar 6. You give us Candice Glover. And Nicki Minaj? The circus has called for it’s clown to come back! Ha! I win, you lose…

May 10, 2013

The Great Gatsby [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, Kyrle Lendhoffer, The Great Gatsby, Baz Luhrmann, Craig Pearce, F Scott Fitzgerald, Lisa Adam, Frank Adridge, Amitabh Bachchan, Steve Bisley, Richard Carter, Jason Clarke, Adelaide Clemens, Vince Colosimo, Max Cullen, Mal Day, Elizabeth Debicki, Leonardo DiCaprio, Joel Edgerton, Emmanuel Ekwenski, Eden Falk, Isla Fisher, Emily Foreman, Tiger Leacey Wyvill, Charlize Skinner, Garrett William Fountain, David Furlong, Daniel Gill, Iota, Price Johnson, Stephen James King, Goran D Kleut, Kim Knuckey, Barrie Laws, Mark Lemon, John Maumau, Brendan Maclean, Tobey Maguire, Callan McAuliffe, Ben McIvor, Hamish Michael, Brian Rooney, Kevin McGlothan, Nick Meenahan, Olga Miller, Heather Mitchell, Gus Murray, Kate Mulvany, Barry Otto, John O'Connell, Corey Blake Owers, Tasman Palazzi, Brenton Prince, Bryan Probets, Milan Pulvermacher, Alfred Quinten, Ghardir Rajab, Jake Ryan, John Sheenin, Nicholas Simpson, Kasla Stelmach, Nick Tate, Jack Thompson, Kieran Van Bunnik, Sylvana Vandertouw, Gemma Ward, Matthew Whittet, Felix Williamson, Bill Young, Nancy Denis, Kahlia Greksa, Karinna Greksa, Natasha Marconi, Jacklyn Seymour, Briden Aspinall, Charles Bartley, Veronica Beattie, Kane Bonke, Kirby Burgess, Henry Byalikov, Thomas Egan, Danielle Evrat, Ryan Gonzalez, Lyndell Harradine, Sophie Rose Holloway, Michelle Hopper, James May, Zac McAliece, Lara Mulcahy, Mikaela Smith, Alex Stewart, Romina Villafranca, Mitchell Woodcock, Kaylie Yee, Tiana Canterbury, Morgan Choice, Eden Dessalegn, Elenoa Rokobaro, Lisa Viola, Betsy Effie Nikrumah, Thabang Baloyi, Alison Benstead, Joel Amos Byrnes, Elliott Colinson, Arthur Dignam, Simon Edds, Conor Fogarty, Nigel Harbach, Jacek Koman, Alex Lissine, Corey Mills, Stefan MOgel, Jey Osman, Kai Pantano, Drew Pearson, Chris Proctor, Eddie Ritchard, Alexander Roberts, Roger Adam Smith, Bruce Berman, Lucy Fisher, Jaz-Z, Catherine Knapman, Catherine Martin, Anton Monsted, Barrie M Osborne, Douglas Wick, Craig Armstrong, Simon Duggan, Jason Ballantine, Jonathan Redmond, Matt Villa, Nikki Barrett, Ronna Kress, Damien Drew, Ian Gracie, Michael Turner, Bill Draper, Afnahn Khan, Peter Neil, Lehi Tahau, Alex Taussig, Maree Cochrane, Luke Doolan, Nash Edgerton, Leon Stripp, Simon Allan, Sian Bates, Mark Jeffries, Luca Byrne, Angela Cerasi, Vanessa Taylor, Tim Weyers, Craig Beckett, Tony Blondell, Adam Grace, Jes Anderson, Kira Bohn, James Bramley, Lisa Breitman, Sam Bromell, Alex Cardy, James Carrick, Kieran Cato, Merilyn Cook, Lauren Cooper, Isabella Cramp, Matt Cranleigh, Tony Cypres, Chloe Donaldson, Robert Eberfein, Guy Efrat, Hannah English, Jason Huberman, Drew Johnson, Richard Keeshan, Geoff Kelly, Jon Kuyper, April Lamb, Hamish Mason, Khanya Mikhize, Tim MOnich, Sophie Mullen, Padraic Murphy, Laura Nagy, Bruce Rieck, Sam Smith, Blake Temacz, Robert Threadgold, Anwyn Watkins, Taris Tyler, John O'Connell, Stephanie Scott, Kane Senes, Shay Spencer, Matthew Webb, Ardeshir Radpour

The Great Gatbsy

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I have a changing of ways.

Too many movies have been battered by the tongues and other mouth parts of reviewers around me at screenings for the press.

My colleagues are dark clouds that also think they are smart clouds.

No fun.

They aren’t even clouds!

I went out to see a movie, paying with my own treasure, and sat amongst you people for thinking that my eye holes would see like your eye holes – that there would be no darkness.

I was stupid.

My first sadness – I have to see “The Great Gatsby” by über-hack Baz Luhrmann. He is stuck in most rememberings as the man who pulled down his pants, grabbed each butt-cheek, bent over, and sprayed “Moulin Rouge” on movie screens.

I don’t mind. I now know that to un-crapify “Gatsby” I just need to lap up Kossu. Then the real part of reality rips my knowledge – “closed” says the sign on the Theater Bar!

The Theater Bar is closed!

They are having a “We Love You Mr. Gatsby and Baz Luhrmann, too, So We Will Dress Up As Time Travelers From One of Gatsby’s Make Believe Movie Parties” party so… no public in the bar!

That is me! Madness! Anarchy!

I mind thoughts are now limp. No Kossu – my heart will have no armor and will be in pain.

Terrible pain.

Note to American Women – in the 1920’s, flapper women had no extra skin. They had a Depression coming and so practiced starving. They were hot as smoke in little flapper dresses.

Modern women have become hippos with the sucking of McDonald’s meat in through their lip gap. My eyes were scorched by a 21^st Century flapper herd moving through the lobby.

There was flapping – but it was giant arm sausages flapping against other bare skin.

So never, in my life time, dress this way again.

Now a review.

Baz Luhrmann had someone say, “Hey Baz! Let me tell you about a book my eyes read to me long ago! It is romantic. So listen to my mouth repeat it…”

So Baz never read the book.

The story opens with a sad Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) being sad because he ran out of alcohol.

So he goes to a Sad Home and makes a Doctor listen to his bitching about rich people.

His brain wanders through history to a feminine product commercial with lots of curtains getting wind blown and sees his cousin Daisy Duke (Carey Mulligan – cute, but too much clothing). Her husband is a dick, so Peter goes to a party next door at Gay Disneyland Heaven – wanting the meet The Great Gatsby.

He does.

Then the fever dream (still very feverish) takes Peter on Mr. Gatsby’s Wild Ride (coming soon to Baz Luhrmann’s Gay Disneyland Heaven with even more CGI and 3-D!) and eat lunch at a barber shop that serves lobster (covered with tribbles and fine herbs – this shit is not made up).

A time travel band from 2013 plays music that makes no sense.

At this point – there is great joy… I found an old joint in my jacket pocket of “contraband-and-fun-times” and inhaled the sweet, sweet smoke from my mouth and into my mind-brain while in the Men’s Crapper – then bought Hot Tamales and a large Coke.

Because of my lucky joint, the last 40 minutes wasn’t too much suck.

Leonardo DiCaprio did not stink. He now looks almost 16 in human years, but was not as good as recently in “Unchain Django!”

There were other actors.

And car chases I remember making up in my “Only I See It” world in my mind when I was 5.

There was a cute dog eating from a plate.

And whores – and politicians (these are the same).

So, one thumb, saying with much relief, “Thank you Odin – this was not the great brain rape that was Moulin Rouge!”

The other thumb saying, “Mr. Luhrmann – if you are going to steal ideas, steal good ones – better movie for everyone!”

Both thumbs were much recovered in happiness when the smoke finally calmed all to calmness. If only I had Kossu in the first times and not had my vision assaulted by flapper cows.

At least they didn’t “moo” for Leonardo…

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. There is much for hoping! A better “Gatsby” is in the future – and a music filled musical! See the early rehearsals for “That’s Gatsby” and purge your brain of Luhrmann-cheese.

You’re welcome.

April 19, 2013

The Lords Of Salem [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo on Kino, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Roger Ebert, The Lords of Salem, Rob Zombie, Sheri Moon Zombie, Bruce Davidson, Jeff Daniel Phillips, Judy Geeson, Meg Foster, Patrica Quinn, Ken Foree, Dee Wallace, Maria Conchita Alonso, Richard Fancy, Andrew Prine, Michael Berryman, Sid Haig, Bonita Friedericy, Nancy Linehan Charles, Flo Lawrence, Brynn Horrocks, Suzanne Voss, Susan Gray, Torsten Voges, Niko Posey, Julian Acosta, Lisa Marie, Brandon Cruz, Gabriel Pimentel, John 5, Piggy D, Roger W. Morrissey, Barbara Crampton, Michael Shamus Wiles, Dustin Quick, James Messersmith, Troy, Ernest Thomas, Carlos del Valle, Clint Howard, Camille Keaton, Udo Kier, Richard Lynch, Daniel Roebuck, Christopher Knight, Christine Ames, Diana Hart, Silvia Moore, Maria Olsen, Judy Thompson, Jobeth Wagner, Jason Blum, Michael Brigante, Jeanette Brill, Bailey Conway, Andy Gould, Jessica L Hall, Brian Kavanaugh-Jones, Oren Peli, Jeremy Platt, Steven Schneider, Griffin Boice, Brandon Trost, Glenn Garland, Monika Mikkelsen, Jennifer Spence, Lori Mazuer, Leah Butler, Megan Brown, Michelle Chung, Richard Evans, Wayne Toth, Laura Altmann, Phillip Dawe, Rick Osako, Kenneth Donaldson, Danny Giles, James MOran, Marc Newland, Laura Altmann, Renetta G Amador, Keith Blomberg, Eric Fleischman, Vanessa Grayson, Nicole Kreuzer, Megan Lurty, Murray Miller, Christopher Perez, Chelsea Peters, Alex Saks, Adam Stone, Cat Stone, David Thornsberry, Bob Weber, Emily Weithman, Lee Anna Winhoffer, Mandy Yaeger

I have not been up for the writing of things.

People die.

It’s what we are supposed to do.

When we are old and shaking, pooping pants and falling over, forgetting who you are but remembering what should be un-remembered – it is time to die.

I get this.

Sometimes, cancer lands on your face and God wants your chin.

Death is close then.

Just ask Roger Ebert.

My eyes had the squirts like a little girl when his death arrived.

He was my hero – watch him as he goes (thank you Foo Fighters!) Even with a giant Kossu mouth swallow and lung bag full of kush, my writing was never like The Ebert.

He was the shit. Read this (http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/to-the-wonder-2013) and then choke on your “Ebert was not the shit” argument.

Yes… choke on it.

Like a choking little bitch.

I’ll wait.

Now for a review.

The Lords of Salem

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Rob Zombie is not the man his name says he is to be.

Not an extra in the great TV show “The Dead Are Walking Around.” Not stuck in Jamaican voodoo haze, much like myself when brain is high centered on the speed bump of sweet, sweet bong smoke (that I love, even with the drool-face I make).

No.

Zombie makes movies.

Some good. Some bad.

Most good-bad existing side by side, like a twin – with no skin sharing.

Now Mr. Zombie is back with “The Lords of Salem.”

The good? Sherri Moon Zombie.

Although she is getting long teeth, she still can stir my man thing and start the underwear party.

Her acting is really not anything. Nothing better (her hotness remains), nothing worse (the underwear party continues).

She plays a DJ who is given the wax for spinning from Satan’s house band. This brings evil because it plays itself backwards (which in days of the past would kill Paul McCartney – if only now it would result in immediate Justin Beiber death… that would be cool).

The band gets back together, but VH1 Classic is not to be seen. There is Hell to pay. Pay to play – and the like.

Zombie makes us for the creep with skin crawling in ways that it wasn’t meant to crawl. Evil is abounding. Death is cheap and easily available.

If for a plot you give shit then go see “Oblivion” (since it has plots taken from every sci-fi movie ever made).

If you want a scare to smack your brain until you squirt in to your chonies – this is the poop squirter for you.

So, my thumbs are confused. When compared to good movies, this is not good.

When compared to others in the horror held up to comparison? Good.

Damn good.

So, since you are reading this you give a horror crap. So go see “The Lords of Salem.”

Before the seeing, do NOT inhale too much of the beautiful smoke. Paranoia will explode your head.

You have been warned.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. The world is back-assward. Ebert is dead. Rex Reed still breaths (and wastes) perfectly good oxygen. Depeche Mode (for a bunch of pansy-men whining like babies with tiny baby problems) got one right – listen to “Blasphemous Rumors” and think on this. Rex Reed lives. Son of a bitch.

Please list the best film smart guy reviewer people for the best reading in my future in the Comments below.

P.P.S. “Game of Thrones” is a cooler movie on TV than most movies that are movies. With boobs. Damn!

March 25, 2013

Ginger & Rosa [REVIEW]

Ginger & Rosa

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

What the hell?!?

I am sent to see the independently filmed “Ginger & Rosa.”

I have depression, for it is no “Olympus is Falling Over!”

That would have been the shit.

But no.

“Ginger & Rosa.”

Then my disappointment was to disappear – like hangover pain after a good bong load.

I see on the screen something almost not possible.

But is.

There are two Fannings now.

My mind is blow up. I already knew this, but this new one is now more formed.

There was once one Fanning – cute, with oozing talent, charm. Like young Drew Barrymore with less drugs.

Then she started with the dirty in “The Runaways.”

Pretty soon, 18 and naked – please (this is not a bad thing and my fingers are crossed).

So the Dakota parents make a clone.

This clone is not perfect – less a twin and more like a little sister.

She is very serious. And in “8mm” the only actor who acted.

Now she is very, very serious. Red hair serious.

Plot? Not so much.

Atmosphere? Totally.

Early 1960s England is a very cold place with nuclear bomb fear stuck on everybody. There is nothing to do but have bomb fear (Angry Birds is still 100 years into the future and texting even further away).

So schoolgirl friends, the smart Ginger (Elle Fanning) and increasingly horny Rosa (Alice Englert), have no time for nothing but smoking crappy cigarettes and looking at the sea.

And hanging out, while looking at the sea.

Then, there is more sea looking.

Ginger’s father Roland (Alessandro Nivola) is of the art-type, and a pussy when war was a thing to do.

He is a pre-hippy.

With a boat.

There is a lot of hanging out and smoking (and sea looking).

There are gay guys who aren’t gay at all.

Annette Bening is for no reason. Cuba then has a crisis.

SPOILER ALERT! SERIOUSLY!

Finally, some plot. Or not. Ginger goes all anti-bomb death – Rosa goes all “I need me some daddy time” – Roland goes all “I need me some teenage [censored by editor]”.

Can friendship survive worst screen father in Cuban Crisis history?

Will Christina Hendricks (as Ginger’s big boobed Mom) ever show off her amazing chest puppies?

Will someone explain why Annette Bening is on the screen?

END SPOILERS!!!

I can’t help but to be in the liking of this movie.

None of my thumbs scream skyward, yet none of them are too droopy as well.

I partook of the sweet, sweet smoke. I drank Kossu before sitting at this typing computer.

Maybe see it for free. Time is not too wasted (unlike me, Kimmo, who is totally wasted).

Elle Fanning will some day be a star. Until she, too, has to be dirty and third Fanning (second clone) will be unleashed. The count down to 18 has begun…

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “The Voice” is coming back, but no Xtina! I hope Shakira wears little clothes. And Blake Shelton accepts my invitation to drink until Kossu madness is achieved. And they have now an asshole (and Justin Bieber enabler) instead of the cool dwarf. I hope there is no hate in my heart and head for the new.

March 1, 2013

Jack the Giant Slayer [REVIEW]

Jack the Giant Slayer

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Times have hard.

We know this.

Hollywood then shows us.

We watch The Mr. Oscar Show and strange face “Look At Me, I Am Also Smug Guy Who Wants To Sing In Your Face” person is on hourly, for what is to me, also forever.

Pretty people also are staging to the T.V., some with awards, more with sadness in their brain thoughts.

On the carpet, all women admit to wearing the clothes of someone else – yet none of the carpet questioning people feel the creeps.

This is Hollywood.

This is the Academy Awards.

This review is “Jack The Giant Slayer.”

It needs not to worry about the Academy Awards.

Ever.

But, even though winning is not to be foreseen – this is good for the film worker people. If for to win, they would have to talk to “Smug Guy Who Was Upstaged By Captain Kirk” which would be the suck.

But all is not bad. Really.

First, I, Kimmo, will not use Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum in the film review.

All critics who do – or use any variable of the 4-F’s – is of the review school hack class.

No Fee, Fi, Fo, Fun for good review.

No Fe, Fi, Fo, Dumb for bad review.

No Fee, Fi, Foo, Meh for a review tweener.

This reviewer (though many times with drunks and stoned) is not of laziness.

So review I must.

Plot? Fe, Fi, Fo, YES! Damn, it was too much to not do.

Plot – Jack is a kid with stories talked to his ear hole by Dad (look out Dad! Here comes the plague!).

Isabella is a kid who has the same stories (look out Mom! Etc). and grows up to be hot.

In real life, Jack (Nicholas Hoult) got to diddle Jennifer Lawrence and motor-boat her rack (for this, Hoult deserves Lifetime Achievement Award). Then, she, Jennifer, was too good for a bean kid.

To continue, hot Isabella (Eleanor Tomlinson) is now fap fantasy for Roderick (Stanley Tucci – with creepy sameness inside from “The Lovely Boner”) who is shopping for the Magic Crown that lets the owner control Giants – people who are taller than Abraham Lincoln (see review).

Jack does stuff, like slaying Giants, but damn spoiler title told you that already.

The move is in the land of Not Bad.

CGI Giants are CGI from the days of Tecmo Bowl Nintendo. Fun after bong sucking, fun after the beer chug, cheesy in my real reality.

The 3D was realistic as to make me barf. Yes, the 3D, not the too much overdrunk beer and stale Raisonettes.

I stand by this statement.

For you readers with bigger brains, see the ripped off for this movie – “Trollhunter.” This move is more better than “Jack blah blah blah” in the way that all of Scandinavia (minus Sweden) is superior to Los Angeles (except for the weather – so I really hate Scandinavia, I guess – my mind is confusion).

The Trolls are better computer beasts than the Giants – although the Giants have more lines.

So one and a half thumbs in the atmosphere. There is enjoyment.

I expected a major suck (like that damn Twilight turd-fest) and the suck did not appear.

The secret to liking a film (I’m now thinking) is to expect it to be full of the horrible.

This did not work for the Twilight films, but seem to work for all else.

I will continue this film experiment – since summer is coming, with its crap-storm of film stink. Here is hoping my expecting is not my reality.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. It is almost again the time for baseballs! I don’t have understanding for the game so much, but love Dodger Dogs – and cold beer that is more money worth than gold in its cost. This game is not hockey (the greatest of all since it was played by God Himself), but not bad for steroid boys with bats. Not to mention hot baseball groupies. Play balls!

February 16, 2013February 16, 2013

The Year In Films Of The Year 2012

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, Django Unchained, Quentin Tarantino, Jamie Foxx, Samuel L, Jackson, Leonardo DiCaprio, Harvey Weinstein, Lincoln, Daniel Day Lewis, Steven Spielberg, Kathleen Kennedy, Frank Marshall, Sally Field, Tony Kushner, Bruce McGill, James Spader, Tommy Lee Jones, House of Animals, Yao Ming, FDR American Badass, Bruce McGill, Barry Bostwick, Garrett Brawith, Ross Patterson, William Mapother, Kevin Sorbo, Ray Wise, Silver Linings Playbook, Jennifer Lawrence, Bradley Cooper, David O. Russel, Robert DeNiro, Jacki Weaver, Chris Tucker, Matthew Quick, Skyfall, James Bond, Daniel Craig, Sam Mendes, Barbara Broccoli, Javier Bardem, Judi Dench, Albert Finney, David Pope, Wreck-It Ralph, Walt Disney, John C Reilly, Sarah Silverman, Jack McBrayer, Jane Lynch, Best of 2012 Movies

The Year In Films Of The Year – 2012

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Busy?

Damn, yes.

Why is life, so with amaze, such, at times, a bitchy bitch?

More tragedies making small of my family even smaller in Finland.

American girlfriend who I find with beauty then find with STD after she is of the unfaithful type (I hate you, Sakko, for your disease and your butt face – forever).

My time in hospital for “stress therapy reduction” yet there is no Kossu or the sweet, sweet smoke.

This was the most stressful.

And more important in my thoughts, my missing of you cool readers who I have missed with an ache in my heart muscle.

Really.

So now, the films that in 2012 gave a big stiffy to myself.

Django Unchained

Django (unchained) goes on a personal war with a dentist friend (and former Nazi) to find Black Broomhilde (the comic book witch) who is being held by Gilbert Grape’s retardo brother.

And Samuel L. Jackson (“I have had it with these motherfucking slaves on this motherfucking plantation!”) is much awesome, too.

Django’s ass is so bad that Lincoln is forced to free the slaves.

—————————————-

Lincoln

America’s tallest American (until Yao Ming) has become President because he is tall.

But he is tired and weary from fighting The Confederation.

Lincoln (read my review HERE) has learned (from Django) that all are equal – but Django is more equal than others.

So politics happen.

Tommy Lee Jones has crazy hair and then does not hair at all.

James Spader is fat.

And then there is, from House of Animals, Bruce McGill.

—————————————-

FDR: American Badass!

With Bruce McGill! Most times, history gives me the sleepy bores. Not 2012 (see above so far).

Best of all film history is this film.

History comes alive – with a machine gun wheelchair and Werewolf Hitler (Jesse Merlin). In Finland the “Nazi = Werewolf” knowledge was always a fact.

To see it on screen as truth?

I had a case of leaky eye. Battles, Italians, naked women, brilliant quotes (“Shut the fuck up, Einstein!”) this film had it all.

Suck the bong – see this film. In that order.

————————————-

Silver Linings Playbook

Jennifer Lawrence has the most awesome boobies in the world.

She wears tight dance clothes.

She has too much talk at award shows.

What more can I say?

Oh, and Bradley Cooper does not play a dick.

—————————————————-

Skyfall

Boom!

Kablooey!

Gay Javier Bardem!

Daniel Craig shot (that’s what you get for stealing Rachel Weisz from me, asshole)!

Death!

Hot Bond chick!

And Oscar winner Dame Judi Dench. She does not get the excited exclamation. Because she (SPOILER ALERT) dies.

———————————————–

Wreck-It Ralph

Film of the year!!!

No shit.

Ziggy and I went to the screening fully loaded on the smoke.

Fully.

Loaded.

Then came popcorn, washed down with Kossu.

Then came the movie.

Son of a bitch.

I was in the 80s and a video game ALL AT THE SAME TIME!

My life was a treat – I never wanted for me to leave this heaven.

And Sarah Silverman was there but little-girl style – creepy.

Pac Man. Dig Dug. Forbert.

I was completed. I could no more have the wanting of anything.

Then the thing damn ended.

I wept.

Ziggy wept.

We smoked more of the smoke, shot more of Kossu, and into the next screening we were snuck.

And again.

Then one more time.

FILM OF THE YEAR!

———————————————–

I have only been scratching my surface. There are more. I will add as real reviews pop back to the internet space and to my friends – you – weekly.

I am running out of family in Finland for so to die, so this promise I may keep. The weekly writing. But you knew that.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. I cannot find Jalapeno Cheddar Cheetos anywhere. WTF?!? Together, for Cheeto freedom, we must together band, like a twin, or a litter of puppies (really vicious puppies)! Make the tastiest of the tasty be available everywhere! Are you with me?

December 7, 2012November 27, 2017

Lincoln [REVIEW]

Lincoln

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Nothing can bring the fear.

Nothing like the season of the fjord.

We are not lucky (unlucky) in fjords.

We are not Norway.

Sweden not, too, as well (Swedes are pussies so this is in the OK zone).

Yet the tragedy comes. Like winter.

More family drowning while trying to defeat cod.

The cod fight so hard, the winning may never happen.

Yet, I will eat their deep fried flesh. And the herring’s picked bodies.

I am a Finn.

I will fight the fish.

And I will eat.

Why all of this?

Another Mustonenen down. In the drink. Davey Jones’ locker, breathing water until the end.

Sadness makes my brain say “Hells no, ‘Silver Linings Playbook’, when my family has a dead member. Bradley Cooper is still an asshole. And Jennifer Lawrence cannot be lusted after without Jesus being bummed. Thanks for the cock block Jesus.”

So, “Lincoln.”

Plot? Are you giving me the kids?

In the Middle Ages, America chose its leader by height. Lincoln was taller than hell. So he became King of America.

Lincoln (Daniel Day-Lewis) used his height to look down (like a God) and could somehow read the thoughts of those who were his enemies/friends.

Except he married The Flying Nun before she became annoying (retards, look up the reference).

Finally, America likes her. They really, really like her. But she is a bitch ass shrew. With hair from “Star Wars – Episode 4” (if you’re a nerd who has never kissed a girl or tasted a teat – to real people just damn “Star Wars”).

Anyway, the tallest man in America (who always had a helium suck before talking – squeak – where was James Earl Jones?) held the cards for political poker.

Then the entire movie started to seem like “Midnight Poker” on ESPN. With fake facial hair that could an automobile be purchased.

Luckily, an alcoholic puff-ball named James Spader showed up to make me want to have the drinking of the Kossu and the sweet, sweet smoke.

I had both.

And Tommy Lee Jones had the best hair in the America since Phil Spector. Yet there were no restaurant deaths. Too bad. His love for his woman made things boring.

So, tons of bad hair of the face.

Sweet Jesus, has nothing advanced since “Gettysburg” (worst face hair ever!)?

And casting Bruce McGill… genius, if only for his appearance in best history ever, “FDR: American Badass.” My world would have been completed if he only said, face to camera – “He’s Abraham Lincoln, motherfucker!”

Steven Spielberg has no balls. I believe they belong to Amy Irving.

Thumbs? Pretty damn up. Daniel Day-Lewis plays tall better than any man since Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in “Game of Death.”

I truly in my mind believe that the tallest man (so the greatest man) in America was Abraham Lincoln. He allowed black people to talk and kung-fu Bruce Lee in the chest.

It is a weave that does tangle that American cinema weaves.

My mind is mush. I go back and forth between great cinema and another Finnish family death.

Oh well, Finland can take it in the anal pore. I am an American now and forever. And if tall people rule – well, then Daniel Day-Lewis is my leader forever. He stayed up late and told stories.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Game of Thrones” in three, maybe four months. My excitement hurts. Winter is coming! If my words have no meaning then your mind is potato. Seriously.