Manka Bros. – Page 10 – Chairman's Blog

September 16, 2011September 16, 2011

Camel Turkish Gold – Breathe In The Turkish

Andrew D. Gilchrist, Ari Emanuel, Ayn Rand, Ben Silverman, blog advertising, Camel Turkish Gold, Chairman's Blog, cigarette advertising, Daniel J. Herko, Daniel M. Delan, Forensics, High School Forensics, Jay McBee, Jeff Weiner, Khan Manka, Lisa J. Caldwell, Manka Bros., MBS, Nikki Finke, R.J. Reynolds, Robert H. Dunham, Sharon Waxman, Terry Semel, thewrap.com, Walton T. Carpenter, world's largest media company

Good afternoon.

As the writer of a wildly popular blog (I only started it to better communicate with my employees at Manka Bros.) and the fact that I am a major figure in the media world, I receive quite a few offers to endorse products.

Most of them shit products like Coke or BMW.

Frankly, there is nothing I would rather do less than endorse someone else’s stupid product. It offends me that anyone thinks they can buy my services for any price.

If you want to hire a whore, call Jay McBee (President of the Manka Bros. Television Group) or Michael Eisner or Ben Silverman (!!).

So when the good people of Camel called my office to see if I wanted to push their Turkish Gold cigarettes on my blog, I was completely offended and told them to get the fuck off my phone!

Who the hell do they think they are? I’m Khan Fucking Manka!

I don’t push YOUR products – you push MINE!

Assholes!

I don’t need to be paid a boatload of money by some greedy corporation to express my love for Camel Turkish Gold cigarettes.

Seriously, each drag of a Camel Turkish Gold cigarette is super smooth – silky almost. Like an autumn breeze in Instanbul.

It’s the only cigarette I would ever smoke.

Camel Turkish Gold – “Breathe In The Turkish!”

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. Camel Turkish Gold is the sole sponsor of Forensics on MBS.

September 8, 2011September 8, 2011

Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer Carol Bartz A Job

Allen & Company retreat, Anne Mulcahy, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Bobby Kotick, Carol Bartz, Charlie Rose, Cory Booker, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Erin Burnett, Gina Bianchini, Harvey Weinstein, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jean-Bernard Levy, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, John Donahue, Ken Auletta, Khan Manka, Lachlan Murdoch, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lionel Barber, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marc Andreessen, Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Martin Sorrell, Mathias Dopfner, Mike Bloomberg, Niall FitzGerald, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Wiesenthal, Robert L. Johnson, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, Tom Freston, Tom Friedman, Ursula Burns, Vivi Nevo, Warren Buffett, World's Largest Media Company, Rupert Murdoch, Jose Maria Aznar, natalie Bancroft, Peter Barnes, Chase Carey, Kenneth Cowley, David DeVoe, Viet Dinh, Rod Eddington, Joel Klein, Andrew S.B. Knight, James Murdoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Thomas Perkins, Arthur Siskind, John Thornton, Stanley Shuman, Rebekah Brooks, Les Hinton, Teri Everett, jack Horner, Julie Henderson, Reed Nolte, Roger Ailes, Janet Nova, John Nallen, Beryl Cook, Michael Regan, Genie Gavenchak, Brian Lewis, Irena Briganti, Dan Berger, Rosabel Tao, Steven Rubenstein, Suzanne Halpin, Elisabeth Murdoch, Carol Bartz, Roy Bostock, Patti Hart, Sue James, Vyomesh Joshi, David Kenny, Arthur Kern, Brad Smith, Gary Wilson, Jerry Yang, Blake Irving, Ross Levinsohn, Rose Tsou, Rich Riley, Tim Morse, Michael J. Callahan, David Dibble, David Filo, Dr. Prabhakar Roghavan, Jeff Russakow, Elisa Steele, David Windley

Good afternoon.

I am back from my house in the Seychelles and ready to go. I trust everyone had a good July and August (with the exception of my great friend Rupert Murdoch) and I pray Manka Bros. can finish strong to help save this cesspool of a year.

(If anyone asks me about my summer or how things are going with Leann Womack, you will be fired.)

On my return to the office (by the way, would it have killed anyone to fucking dust my goddamned desk?), I noticed that the idiots on the Yahoo! Board of Directors (yes, I’m talking to you Vyomesh Joshi!) fired CEO Carol Bartz.

Are they out of their fucking minds?

Before Ms. Bartz came along, Yahoo! was nothing but a second-rate search engine with a decent news and finance area. And now look at them!

Fucking idiots.

I could tell things were bad at Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Retreat this year. She wasn’t pounding whiskey sours the way I know she can. She must have known something was coming.

Well, Ms. Bartz, if I may write at you directly, today is your lucky day.

Manka Bros. – the World’s Largest Media Company – would like to hire you. And you can pretty much pick which area of the studio you would like to run.

Since everyone seems to suck at their jobs lately, I would be more than happy to fire the person you would like to replace.

It would be really sweet to get rid of Jay McBee – but you may not have much of an interest in television.

We offer a competitive salary and benefits package (comparable to all of the other division heads at Manka Bros. – with the exception of COO Lloyd Grohl who, I think, even earns more than I do).

If you accept, be sure and bring that foul mouth with you.

I would love to see you go off on someone who might accidentally park in your parking spot. That would make my day!

So, think about it. Burbank is really nice this time of year.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – If things don’t work out and our Board of Directors has to fire you, I can assure you it will be in person and not via text or phone message. The Board gets off on seeing the face of the person being fired.

July 22, 2011July 5, 2022

Leaving For My House In The Seychelles

Allen & Company retreat, Anne Mulcahy, Anne Sweeney, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Bobby Kotick, Carol Bartz, Charlie Rose, Cory Booker, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Erin Burnett, Gina Bianchini, Harvey Weinstein, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jean-Bernard Levy, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, John Donahue, Ken Auletta, Khan Manka, Lachlan Murdoch, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lionel Barber, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marc Andreessen, Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Martin Sorrell, Mathias Dopfner, MIchelle Caruso-Cabrera, Mike Bloomberg, Niall FitzGerald, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Wiesenthal, Robert L. Johnson, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, Tom Freston, Tom Friedman, Ursula Burns, Vivi Nevo, Warren Buffett, World's Largest Media Company, Comic-Con, Leann Womack, Captain Stoppo, Lloyd Grohl

Good morning.

This afternoon, I will be leaving for my house in the Seychelles and probably won’t return until after Labor Day.

(Quick reminder: Labor Day is not a Holiday at Manka Bros. – this was my father’s thing for some reason and I will uphold the tradition.)

Manka Bros. is having a terrible year and, like my friend Rupert Murdoch, I put the blame squarely on you, the mid-to-lower level employees.

I’m not sure what else you people expect Senior Management to do. We’ve done all we can. It’s now up to you to pull us out of the shitter!

It’s very simple. Make movies that will be successful and TV shows that people want to watch. That’s it. We’re not asking you to create a new life-form.

I would also like someone to solve the digital transition issue by the time I get back.

Lloyd Grohl will have complete control over the studio while I am gone. If anyone needs to reach me – you can’t. I’ll be in touch with you (but probably not).

The plane will be picking up Leann Womack (I know, it’s back on – don’t ask) in Nashville. After that, my phone will be turned off for six weeks. I may blog, I may not.

Also, as some of you may know, Manka Bros. did not have a presence at Comic-Con this year. I gave a keynote address there last year and realized it’s just a little too ridiculous for someone of my stature.

Along those lines, I have decided NOT to move forward with a Captain Stoppo movie. It appears that comic book movies are dead. FYI, this may affect headcount at MC Comics.

I’ll see you in September. Pray that I have good weather and the sand isn’t too hard on my feet.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 18, 2011July 18, 2011

In Defense of Rupert Murdoch

Rupert Murdoch doesn’t have a lot of friends these days.

It seems the only defenders he has are the people he pays to write puff pieces in the newspapers he owns.

As a fellow media mogul, I feel I must defend my good friend Rupert.

It is not easy to build an empire. And it’s certainly not easy to hold one together – just ask Caesar or one of those other Roman guys.

Crushing the opposition can be tiresome. It’s much easier to be passive.

Rupert’s empire is unraveling – an empire that started with him taking over a failed junior high school newspaper in some God forsaken bush town in the Australian Outback (or something) and building it into one of the largest media companies in the world (though Manka Bros. remains #1).

How did he do it? He worked hard, he was fearless, and, yes, he hacked into voice mails. [Manka Bros. legal disclaimer: This last statement should read ‘allegedly’ – we don’t know if he was ‘fearless’.]

I last spoke to Rupert a couple of weeks ago at Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference. We participated in the ‘Mogulympics’ together. He was quite impressive in the long jump – though he kept hitting the foul line which kept him out of the medals.

This, I suppose, could be a metaphor for the way he conducts business. Or, he’s just 80 years old and doesn’t really know what the fuck he is doing anymore.

I was lucky. I inherited my media empire from my father and my uncles. I didn’t have to build it from scratch like Rupert or Sumner or my uncles (who sold a donkey to buy a movie camera).

In fact, I haven’t really had to do shit for the past 30 years (though there have been lots of lunches and galas which can get exhausting). The bullying, intimidation, spying and threats on other people’s lives was done by those before me. Because of my large security staff, people know not to fuck with Manka Bros.… so they don’t.

Now I must speak directly to Rupert for a moment:

If you choose to roll over, Rupert, it will be an insult to all of us moguls.

Even if you are guilty and did, in fact, ruin people’s lives, etc. you must continue to deny it and blame others. That’s the mogul way. Honesty is for losers.

And if, God forbid, you find yourself becoming remorseful over what you’ve done (ugh) and have an uncontrollable urge to “do the right thing”, remember the Mogul Credo: “I am a mogul, I am better than all others.” (Copyright 2003 – Bob Iger)

——————————————

Rupert Murdoch is my friend (though he did try to run me out of business in the 1990s and still owes me $100 from a Super Bowl pool he didn’t win… but I digress).

Rupert runs a charity (M.I.L.K) to find lost kittens.

Rupert is an active participant in my monthly book club for moguls.

The embroidered pillow cases Rupert personally made for my daughter’s Bat Mitzvah were incredibly beautiful.

It just kills me that he is going through all this ‘hacking’ unpleasantness.

Don’t people realize that every time you log onto Facebook, or buy a movie ticket, milk, gas, etc., those companies get all of your personal information going back to the sonogram when you were in the womb?

Anyone who reads this blog might as well hand over the deed to their house. We know the movies you went to this weekend, the TV shows you watched… the food you ate. Hey Jenny B. in Tuscon, how did you enjoy “Harry Potter”? And did you like Papa John’s new stuffed crust pizza? We noticed you had three pieces – it must have been good!

So, people of the world, don’t get all schadenfreude-ish with Rupert and hope that his empire comes crashing down. All moguls do what he’s doing and will continue to long after he’s gone (either death or jail).

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 7, 2011July 7, 2011

Khan Manka, Jr. Speech – Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference 2011 – Day 3

Allen & Company retreat, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Carol Bartz, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Gina Bianchini, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Khan Manka, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, World's Largest Media Company, Chase Carey, James Murdoch, Elisabeth Murdoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Jim Gianopulos, Joel Klein, Jon Miller, Steve Burke, Michael Angelakis, Leslie Moonves, Philippe Dauman, Jeff Bewkes, John Martin, Howard Stringer, Rob Wiesenthal, Michael Lynton, John Malone, Greg Maffei, Haim Saban, David Zaslav, John Hendricks, Mike White, Edgar Bronfman, Len Blavatnik, Tim Armstrong, Peter Chernin, Tom Freston, Carol Bartz, Jerry Yang, Mark Pincus, Owen Van Natta, Brian Roberts, Jason Kilar, Wayne Willich, Reid Hoffman, Harvey Weinstein, Diane Von Furstenberg, Andrew Mason, Jason Kilar, Ben Horowitz, Gina Bianchini, Mark Pincus, Ali Pincus, Robert Wiesenthal, Tom Freston, Bing Gordon, Bill Gates, Chris Christie, Martin Sorrell, Eric Lefkofsky, Oprah Winfrey

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2011

Day 1 — Day 2 — Day 2.5 – Day 3

[The following is a transcript of the speech Khan Manka, Jr. gave at Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference today. It has been transcribed from an audio recording made by Mr. Manka. Herb Allen is heard first introducing Mr. Manka – followed by applause and a few audible ‘boos’. This transcription has not been edited or reviewed by Mr. Manka.]

Herb Allen: OK – OK. Can I have the mic up, please? It is? Can I have it louder, please? There we go. There we go. Can I get your attention please, everyone? Terry Semel? Come on, I’m trying to… OK… thank you. Thanks to all of you for moving over here to the Opera House on such short notice. I can’t believe our room was double-booked. I just hope the Morgan Family Reunion finishes earlier than planned so we can move back.

[… incoherent rumblings and chatter – finally it gets quiet…]

Herb Allen: I’ve got a real treat here this afternoon. Over the past couple of years, he’s been quite the Sun Valley Squire – thanks for all the revealing blogs you put out there, Khan. Privacy obviously isn’t one of your concerns! But thanks for the tip on the “Saban” spray tan – I”ll try to get one of those before I leave here.

[Laughs throughout the room.]

Herb Allen: You don’t need me to tell you about Khan Manka, Jr. You hear all you would ever want to hear about it him every night at the bar – except that Singapore midget thing – thanks not right – just horrible, Khan. But anyway, here he is… one of the great moguls right here in our midst – Khan Manka, Jr.

[Applause – some ‘boos’.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Thanks, Donner. That’s a ‘Mogulympics’ reference from yesterday’s blog. ‘Blog’ makes me sound like I’m a hip new media guy–

Mark Zuckerberg’s voice: No, it doesn’t. Maybe in 1996!

[Laughs…]

Khan Manka, Jr.: What? Is that Zuckerberg? You just got here and it’s already with the cheap shots, huh? You’re just worried about Manka’s new Facebook killer we have coming out – Caligula.

Mark Zuckerberg: No… I’m not… at all. I’ve seen it. It sucks. Non-awesome.

[Big laugh from the room.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: OK, OK – you know what? I’m just gonna punt on my prepared remarks because every time I do one of these speeches it ends in fucking chaos. People ‘booing’, fighting… it’s just crazy. If you want to read my speech to CES titled “The Future Is Last Year”, go to the website. I’m gonna wing it, Herb, just finish your wine. I have a few things to say. Look… all I do is speak the truth. And the truth is this: The Hollywood mogul is dead, killed by the geeks.

[Chuckles from a few… one loud “BULLSHIT!”]

Khan Manka, Jr.: No, I’m sorry, Bob – Bob Iger everybody – it’s true. I look around this room – half are not even looking at me, buried in their phones, the other half are looking me but are thinking an afternoon nap sounds really good. Us old media guys don’t stand a chance.

[Silence. A sniffle. A cough.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: This is not just a generational thing. This is a real problem. Technological innovations have been coming at us so fast and furious (right, Ron Meyer?) that the older moguls can’t keep up with the changes AND play golf at the same time. And most of us don’t even want to try. Seriously, I don’t need a goddamned phone every fucking month! And I certainly don’t want to keep digitizing my film library into a new format every couple of months for your stupid new phones!

[A few claps… someone is babbling something incoherently.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: The old moguls, and I suppose you can count me that group, just want to produce really great content, put it in a movie theater or on a television, get reports on the ratings or the box office – and it do all again next week. That’s it. We don’t want that to end. You ‘new media’ types have no respect for that culture. No respect for the work we’ve done. You think it’s easy what we do. ‘Comedy is easy – creating an App, that’s hard.’ I say ‘Go F yourselves.’

[A few claps… more ‘boos’, a few shouts and one “Fuck you, too.”]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Why the hell would Reid Hoffman be considered a mogul? He runs a little chat room for people trying to get work.

[… lots of ‘boos’, shouts and ‘fuck yous’…]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Come on, seriously? A mogul produces movies and TV shows, owns networks and has long lunches at really nice restaurants with other moguls. You new people eat at your desks or the company cafeteria. You don’t produce anything. You have data servers in the Mojave Desert. How the hell that does make you a mogul? How is the Groupon guy a mogul? Freakin’ coupons for laser hair removal? HE’S a mogul?

[… the room is in chaos with shouts, ‘boos’, audible punching sounds…]

Herb Allen is heard on another mic. Mr. Manka continues in the background.

Khan Manka, Jr.: WHO THE HELL THREW THAT?!!

Herb Allen: Hold it! Please do NOT throw your cellphones at Mr. Manka! Thank you.

[Total chaos.]

Herb Allen: Khan, listen… LISTEN!!! When I started this conference twenty some years ago, I never intended it to be a “mogul fest” – I was just trying to gather successful, interesting people who run successful, interesting companies. The entertainment people tend to get the most press and so it became known – by the press, which most of the people in this room own and run – as a ‘Mogul Fest’. It wasn’t my intention.

Khan Manka, Jr.: Well… as long as we’re clear that Mark Zuckerberg is not a mogul.

Mark Zuckerberg: Hey, we distribute your shitty movies on Facebook. Nobody buys them, but they are available.

Khan Manka, Jr.: Fine. Fair enough. You’re a mogul. Any questions? If you new media people want to get hammered tonight, I’m buying at the bar.

[Applause… shouts of approval… audio ends.]

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 7, 2011July 7, 2011

Sun Valley Shore – Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference 2011 – Day 2.5

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference 2011

Day 1 — Day 2 — Day 2.5 – Day 3

————————————–

It’s no secret that most moguls love to be tanned and almost all have new, whiter, straighter teeth put in over their old, yellow, crooked teeth.

Who wouldn’t want that, right?

It’s also no secret that the only reason moguls do all that is to look good to 25-year-old girls.

What we moguls don’t seem to understand is, we’re all incredibly wealthy and powerful and many 25-year-old girls (and boys) will find us attractive even if we didn’t have a spray tan or new teeth. (Duh!)

I would wager $1,000,000 that the combined age of all of the moguls teeth at this conference doesn’t even equal the age of one Sumner Redstone.

For the record, most moguls get the “Saban” tan – which is a really dark, unrealistic orange kind of hue.

I prefer the “Strauss Zelnick” which really brings out the whiteness of the teeth. The “Avi Nevo” isn’t bad either but the fragrance is way too strong.

But no matter how much we whiten our teeth and darken our skin and de-gray our hair, it’s still hard for most of us to get out of bed. And it’s really hard to run a 100-meter dash or jump over a high bar (suck-ass Mogulympics).

Just because my face is as tight and smooth as a teenager’s face doesn’t mean I have the energy of a teenager.

And why the fuck would I want the energy of a teenager? I’m a goddamned billionaire in Sun Valley living the dream.

It makes me feel good when I see a mogul (oh, let’s say, Barry Diller) who really could care less how he looks. He’s got power and doesn’t need all those tricks. He’ll take that giant T-shirt and shorts look to the grave! That’s why I admire Barry so much.

The new slobby tech moguls are less comforting to me – they’re just creepy and disturbing.

I was asked to present an updated version of the keynote speech I gave earlier this year to the CES convention in Las Vegas – so I don’t have time to get into too many details about last night’s very elaborate dinner (or the unbelievable concert by Tony Orlando & Dawn… not the old ‘Dawn’, a much younger and hotter ‘Dawn’).

Most of the conversation last night consisted of anything BUT the Rupert Murdoch hacking scandal.

I was at Rupert’s table and all he talked about was how many tomatoes he’s going to get from his garden this year.

Later this afternoon, before cocktails (or during – we’ll see), I will give my assistant a more detailed account of what is going on and she will have the online geeks write it up and add pictures, etc.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 5, 2011July 8, 2011

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – Day 1

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference 2011

Day 1 — Day 2 – Day 2.5 – Day 3

DAY 1 – TUESDAY AFTERNOON UPDATE:

My plane landed safely at Friedman Airport. I was picked up on the tarmac by a self-driving Google car. This scared the shit out of me, especially when I sat in the back and was greeted with a video of Sergey Brin asking me “Where do you want to go today, Khan?” I told the Sergey screen to take me immediately to The Drankin’ Hole at the Sun Valley Lodge. The Google car performed pretty well in mid-day traffic (Idaho traffic) – though the small talk conversation with the Sergey video screen was a little forced.

I am now safely at The Drankin Hole and have ordered two dirty martinis from my favorite bartender in the world – Bin Tran. Philippe Dauman is at the other end of the bar talking to himself. I don’t want to interrupt.

———————————————————————————————

DAY 1 – TUESDAY MORNING

Good morning.

OK, so I decided (after a couple of long, late night conversations with Sumner Redstone) that I would attend Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference again this year.

After last year’s conference (an absolute drunken freak fest), I vowed never to attend again. On top of that, I’m still recovering from my horrifying keynote address to the Bilderberg Conference last month in Switzerland.

But then I received Herb’s child-like invitation a few weeks ago (see left) – and it was so charming, like a 3-year-old’s birthday party invitation – that I started to change my mind.

Believe me, a child-like mentality is what is necessary for a conference like this. It’s all bullshit, you know, and if you don’t come in with an absolute open mind, what’s the point of any of it, right?

Sumner will not be attending and that makes me a little sad but, deep down, that’s fine because I’m fairly young (in mogul years) and don’t want to be linked with that dinosaur forever. I mean, Rupert is bad enough – put Rupert and Sumner together and it’s time to break out the knitting shawls and crank up the heat.

The other night Sumner was talking about how great Cinemascope was and I just had to get off the phone. Dig up Carl Laemmle or my dad if you want to talk about that shit, old man. Leave me out of it. I’m into digital now, loser.

But I digress…

So, yes, I am heading up to Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference and will be posting updates as much as I possibly can – depending on my state of inebriation.

I feel it is my duty as Chairman & CEO of the World’s Largest Media Company to attend this very important conference (at least in Herb’s mind) for the sake of my stockholders and board of directors.

I’ve been told to bring comfortable clothes, really good workout shoes and as many Dramamine as I can fit in my bag. I’m not sure what that last order meant – but I’ll abide it all the same – Herb is God up there and you don’t want to fuck with God.

So, another Sun Valley fest is upon us. May Herb have mercy on us all.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 2, 2011July 3, 2019

Manka Bros. Acquires ‘Red Dot’ From Kodansha

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Herb Allen's Sun Valley Conference 2013, Sun Valley Lodge, Bin Tran, Vin Tran, Lee S Ainslie III, Yousef Al Otaiba, Hans-Holger Albrecht, Paul G Allen, James Anderson, Marc Andreessen, Michael Angelakis, Tim Armstrong, Nikesh Arora, Neil M Ashe, Emilio Azcarraga, Manvinder S Banga, Lionel Barber, Craig R Barrett, Willow Bay, Andreas Bechtolsheim, Marc Benioff, Jeffrey Berg, James Berkus, Michael S Berman, Mark Bertolini, Gary Bettman, Jeff Bewkes, Jeffrey P Bezos, Aneel Bhusri, The Right Honorable Tony Blair, Gregory R Blatt, Anthony H Bloom, Michael R Bloomberg, Steven R Boal, Scott A Bommer, Cory A Booker, Jeffrey H Boyd, Sergey Brin, Glenn Britt, Tom Brokaw, Michael J Brown, Howard G Buffett, Susie Buffett, Warren Buffett, John Burbank, Stephen Burke, Erin Burnett, Ursula Burns, John E Bush, Jeanie Buss, John A Canning Jr., Chase Carey, Wences Casares, Mark Casey, Kenneth Chenault, Peter Chernin, Brian Chesky, Richard Chilton, Chris Christie, Lewis Cime, Adriana Cisneros, Gustavo Cisneros, Vittorio Colao, Timothy Collins, Patrick Collison, Timothy Cook, Anderson Cooper, David Corkins, Delos Cosgrove, Dick Costolo, Cristian Croitoru, Henry Crumpton, Jose Luis Cutrale, Will Danoff, Philippe Dauman, Christopher Davis, Alfonso de Angoitia, John DeGioia, Diego Della Valle, Brian Demain, Andre Desmarais, David DeVoe, Feroz Dewan, William DeWitt, Barry Diller, Daniel Doctoroff, Jonathan Dolgen, John Donahoe, Jack Dorsey, Michael Duke, Mathias Dopfner, David Ebersman, Wesley Edens, Marvin Edwards, Eric Eisner, Michael Eisner, John Elkann, Thomas Evans, Randel Falco, Jose Antonio Fernandez, Michael Ferror, Niall W. A. 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This morning, we made a very exciting announcement (Press Release) that will be a huge boost to our Manka Kids and MC Comics divisions.

We purchased ‘Red Dot’ – the wildly popular Manga character (now a “Manka” character – ha ha) from Kodansha, Ltd. – for $300 million.

I realize that is a shit load of money for a little red dot that doesn’t really do anything – but I have been assured that this is a very popular character with the kids (especially boys 9-14). So the acquisition price will seem like peanuts in the long run.

Many of you are probably wondering how this acquisition came about so quickly.

For one thing, I am very good friends with Kodansha President Sawako Noma. She would probably hate that I’m telling you all this, but we used to date in the early 1980s.

At the time, Japanese companies were buying up a lot of American companies (thank you Ronald Reagan) and she came over to the studio to ‘kick the tires’, if you will. I won’t go into details but to say that she ‘kicked the tires’ for two straight hot weeks (including an unforgettable weekend in Vegas). But then she was recalled to Japan by her family and that was that. They didn’t buy the studio. My heart was broken.

Life hasn’t been the same since.

So welcome Red Dot to the Manka Bros. Family of Characters!

I really don’t get why it’s popular. It’s just a stupid red dot that anyone can draw – but I’m not a 9 year old boy.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

June 9, 2011June 10, 2011

Bilderberg Conference – Khan Manka, Jr. Keynote Address

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[The following is a transcript of Khan Manka, Jr.’s keynote address to the 2011 Bilderberg Conference in St. Moritz, Switzerland. Mr. Manka insisted a word-for-word translation be put up on the blog. While physical and legal threats against our lives and livelihoods have been made, we will do as Mr. Manka has asked. His speech is presented here in its entirety. – Signed Anonymous]

Khan Manka, Jr. – Bilderberg Conference – Keynote Address – June 9, 2011

Lionel Richie is finishing a rousing final chorus to “All Night Long”. The gathered group of men [and maybe one woman – it’s hard to say] are dancing with abandon in the cavernous Suvretta House hotel bomb shelter.

As Lionel Richie exits the stage and cocktail refills are being served by hooded waiters, Bilderberg Steering Committee Chairman Etienne Davignon comes out to the microphone.

Chairman Davignon (in English): Thank you so much, Lionel Richie. Would it have killed you to play “Brick House”?

(Big laughs from the room.)

Chairman Davignon: I have a real treat for my powerful friends here today. When you think about the media and entertainment landscape in the world, you have to start with Manka Bros. Studios. Not only are they the world’s largest media company, one would argue they are also the most influential in terms of how the people of the world spend their leisure time. Under great logistical stress, we were able to get Mr. Khan Manka, Jr. here today at the conference.

(Spontaneous applause and some dinging on champagne glasses.)

Chairman Davignon: You can read Mr. Manka’s biography in the handout on the back table by the cheese platter. What I will say is he has been the Chairman & CEO of Manka Bros. Studios for 35 years now and I’m sure he has seen it all. Gentlemen and Lady, I present Mr. Khan Manka, Jr.

(Applause. The piano theme music to “Eyes Wide Shut” plays over the speakers.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: Thanks Chairman-I’m-not-sure-how-to-say-your-name-so-I-won’t-try…

(Big laugh.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: It was quite a surprise when I was awoken in the middle the night – in my bedroom – in my secured house – by a couple of Swiss goons talking through some sort of modulator box telling me I had been chosen to speak to the most powerful group of people in the world. I joked and said “Will I be talking into a mirror?”

(Big laugh.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: The goons didn’t get the joke, so I listened to them. They told me about this Bilderberg Conference in Switzerland which basically controls which way the Earth’s axis rotates. I had no idea people controlled that – especially a bunch of old white men in suits.

(Silence.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m very familiar with shadowy, creepy cults. I have to do business with Scientologists for Christ’s sake! Am I right?

(Uncomfortable shuffling and a lone ‘gasp’.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: I know you didn’t ask me here to call you a bunch of ‘creeps’. So I’ll just get on to my prepared remarks. As I was flying over here from L.A. (in a blacked out jet, I might add), I was given the guest list of the conference attendees. Frankly, I don’t know who the fuck any of you are – but you must be powerful – and you must be influential or you wouldn’t be sitting in a hotel bomb shelter figuring out which way the world turns… literally.

(There are a few ‘boos’ and much chattering in the audience.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: I spoke at Davos last year, maybe I met a few of you then, but we were all so drunk it’s hard to remember anything, right? The only person I recognize here is Peter Thiel – a venture capitalist who hit the lottery with a couple of those nutty internet investments. So I guess that makes you powerful, eh, Peter? Peter has a new foundation that encourages college students to drop out of school. I didn’t need a foundation like that, Peter. I dropped out on my own – so I could focus more on pot smoking and playing bongos on the beach. Am I right?

(Lionel Richie is pushed out onto the stage.)

Lionel Richie: “Brick House” is coming up – right after this speech! So wrap it up, Khan.

Khan Manka, Jr.: I don’t need some failed Commodore to come out and cut me off, all right? This happens almost every speech I give and I’m sick of it.

(A couple of black hooded Swiss goons quickly approach Mr. Manka.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: YOU WILL NOT DRAG ME OFF! You assholes don’t know anything about how the world works! You drink, you chase chambermaids – THAT’S RIGHT, I SAID IT! All of this bullshit – these conferences with caviar and champagne – and the world isn’t getting any better–!

(A solid wall of ‘boos’.)

Khan Manka, Jr.: Get your Goddamned hands off–! Hey, there’s Charlie Rose! What the fuck are you doing here? You’re not powerful. Hey, Charlie, help me–!

(The lights go out – the piano theme “Eyes Wide Shut” plays – there is a scuffle – a couple of shouts. The lights come back up. Lionel Richie is on stage. The opening notes of “Brick House” begin to play.)

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

June 8, 2011June 8, 2011

Content Is Still King – But Only BIG Content

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Good morning.

Today, before I go pound Slivovitz shots with the gamer geeks at E3 (more on that tomorrow), I am announcing – with the full cooperation of Robin Rafe – President of the Manka Bros. Theatrical Group – a complete strategy shift in the way Manka Bros. develops, produces and distributes films for all of the theatrical divisions (Manka Bros. Films, Manka Highbrow, Manka Dogme, Manka Docs, and Manka Shorts).

From today forward, we will only be producing movies with BIG IDEAS.

A guy trying to cure a disease in his basement is a small idea.

The moon landing is a small idea.

Saving the family farm? Not on my watch. If you want to save the fucking family farm – call Fox Searchlight or Sony Classics.

The Theatrical Group has been thinking small for too many years – and that changes today. For Christ’s sake, just look at the 2011 Slate for Manka Bros. Films! A movie about Sign Spinners? “My Autumn In Milan“? Are you fucking kidding me? (Though I must say, I do like our chances with the “Hey, Diddle Diddle” – you can’t go wrong with a fairy tale movie!)

So… this is your mandate.

BIG IDEAS.

I want ideas about saving galaxies and saving planets. Global wars. Boxing Presidents. Superheroes (but not mild-mannered ones – BIG SUPERHEROES WITH BIG IDEAS!). If X doesn’t do Y then the planet explodes! Shit like that.

I want Jesus to come back to the earth, read our scripts and say “Man, that’s a BIG idea!”

And I don’t want to hear any complaints from Manka Highbrow (your 2011 Slate is pathetic as well) or Manka Dogme.

Just because you’re low-budget arthouse labels doesn’t mean you can’t have BIG ideas. No more punks who don’t comb their hair and talk about how they don’t know what they want to do with their lives. You can be poor and have a big story – just look at Moses.

Get to work. If you need me, I’ll be drunk.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s LARGEST Media Company