Publishing – Page 3 – Chairman's Blog

March 12, 2014March 12, 2014

Profits Up – Time For Cuts

Good morning.

As many of you know, Manka Bros. had an excellent 2013 (mainly from the asbestos lawsuit payout from the state [yeah, baby!] and increased attendance at our Manka Fun Parks due to the new Animaltered Attractions in Des Moines and Halifax).

Because of our good fortune and superior senior management (with the exception of Jay McBee in the Television Group), we, unfortunately, must make some severe cuts in order to continue to grow.

Many of the overhead cuts we must make will certainly impact many lives (because you won’t be getting paid anymore and we live in a society where money is important), but those affected can take comfort in the fact that because they lost their job, Manka Bros. will continue to thrive.

I will leave it to the divisional heads to make the ultimate decision on who and how many get cut put here is a percentage breakdown of the mandatory cuts:

MANKA BROS. THEATRICAL GROUP:

Manka Bros. Films: Great looking 2014 Film Slate (great work, Robin!) should be a solid year [20% ACROSS THE BOARD CUT]

Manka Highbrow: Another solid slate for 2014. Small films can be profitable as long as we cut cut cut! [15% CUT]

Manka Dogme: No cuts – love that Barbecue movie!

Manka Docs: Moving to an acquisition only strategy [EVERYONE IN PRODUCTION CUT]

Manka Mumblecore: Launching division in 2nd Quarter [30% CUT]

MANKA BROS. TELEVISION GROUP:

MBS: Broadcast is dying, our management sucks and we need MUCH better programming – [40% CUT IN DEVELOPMENT]

Manka Business Channel: Must relaunch with a new political leaning – [100% OF LIBERALS CUTS – FISCAL CONSERVATIVES HIRED TO REPLACE]

Manka Classic Movies: Doing great – subs and subscriber fees are up. [20% CUT – but that’s only 2 people – 10 people run that whole channel!]

Manka Legends, Manka Memories, Manka Food & Drink Channel and Manka Sports Network [NO CUTS – ALL ARE RELAUNCHING]

MANKA MUSIC GROUP:

NO CUTS! The Music Industry is incredibly healthy! Thanks to Seamus and Mac McCord for excellent album launches!

MANKA PUBLISHING GROUP:

Manka Books and Mankazines: You don’t need me to tell you how fucked you are – you can either CUT yourselves or wait until somebody comes around to your cubicle but it will happen at some point (unless you work on the few blockbuster titles/authors we have remaining.

OTHER BUSINESSES:

Manka Kids and Manka Fun Parks: No cuts yet – formulating new strategy/expansion plans.

Manka Broadway: Will evaluate after the opening of “Rampage of the Stegosaur – The Musical.”

Corporate has recommended to me that no cuts be made in Corporate.

I’ll go along with that for now – but I’ll be watching!

——————–

So that’s it.

Get to work making those cuts.

After the task is complete, I’ll have some sort of barbecue or party at my house for those who are left.

Looking forward to a very bright future!

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

October 25, 2013December 16, 2013

Old Media Fights Back

“Generation C” can suck it.

It’s time for Old Media to strike back against the bullshit that is “Generation C” and the power this group of slack-jawed dorks seems to have over the way we have done business for over 100 years!

Every goddamned meeting we have these days is focused on how we can reach these asshole kids who, frankly, could care less about what we do as long as we occasionally vomit out another “Iron Man” sequel.

Well, I think it’s time for the industry to say – fuck them – we’re going to do what we do best and the rest of the world is going to like it – like they used to… until about 10 years ago.

Probably when YouTube started.

Now all you read is story after story about teens cutting cords, “visionary” teens creating their own content and building their own empires. This cannot stand or we’ll all be out of business before the decade ends.

I’m spending more and more of my day seeing presentations about how we should buy this or that dumb ass YouTube channel or some other dumb ass OTT channel that gets 2 billions views a day for some unwatchable piece of shit that cost $2 dollars while our horrible TV networks get 2 million viewers for something that costs $2 million dollars.

Hollywood studios need to remember this – WE DECIDE WHO IS FAMOUS AND WE DECIDE WHO GETS TO PRODUCE CONTENT!

I’ve talked to Bob Iger, Rupert Murdoch, Jeff Bewkes, Brian Roberts and Sumner Redstone and we are all in agreement. Even Barry Diller agrees that things are getting out of control (and he considers himself a card carrying member of Generation C).

Content production is a precious commodity that must be under OUR control at all time. Chuck Lorre and Jerry Seinfeld will create our comedy. Aaron Sorkin and JJ Abrams will write our drama. Seamus and Tony Bennett will sing our songs. Alison Fogle and Nicolas Sparks will write our books. etc. etc. etc.

That’s just the way it has to be.

PewDiePie and his disruptive merry band of a-holes on YouTube must not be allowed to cross the border into Hollywood.

Let me be clear – our future sucks.

We can’t just keep throwing bigger and bigger budgets at our horrible horrible movies and TV shows and expect audiences will just bow down at our amazing lighting, acting and camera images.

My 14-year-old daughter, Connie (from whom I first heard the term “Generation C”), produces high quality videos that look just as good as anything on television and her camera cost $39.95.

No, the only option we have for our survival is to crush any new platforms and ideas created by this satanic Generation C. They are trying to destroy our impenetrable bubble. They WILL NOT destroy my lifestyle.

From this day forward, the new PewDiePie is I.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

September 6, 2013September 1, 2015

Original Films Fail

Summer was a disaster at Manka Bros.

We didn’t have one film that worked.

A completely… totally… unbelievably fucked up summer.

And everyone is at fault.

But mostly, the fault lies in our film slate development strategy.

The reason?

ORIGINAL FILMS FAIL

Did you morons seriously believe we’d have a global, four-quadrant hit with “Monty” (the animated praying mantis who becomes an atheist)?

Or “Flap Yo Wings”? A hugely overbudget original 1930s-era musical?

From this day forward, I do not want any of you Ivy League eggheads to think creatively again.

From this day forward, we only produce sequels of previously popular films; adaptations from popular books (preferably from our Manka Books division); and other popular IP such as board games and cartoon characters.

I do NOT want to hear about anything I have never heard about before!

Capisce?

Hey, Robin Rafe, what made you think “The End Of Daves” was a home run? And what made you think July 4th weekend was the perfect time for it?

Because of you idiots, this past summer may be the last summer I am able to spend at my house in the Seychelles.

Thanks for ruining the best three months I spend all year!

I can’t wait to see how our next original film will do – “The Beer Hunter” – sounds hilarious – only it’s NOT A FUCKING COMEDY!

Great work, guys.

Really looking forward to the failures we have in 2014.

So – to be clear – I want everyone in theatrical (and television, for that matter) development to call your agent contacts and tell them all to fuck off with their original ideas. I want only sequels of hits and other movies based on strong previously popular IP.

Hell, why don’t we just start making our own version of “The Wizard Of Oz”? Apparently, no one has the rights.

And I know we haven’t started shooting the “Captain Stoppo” movie yet – but let’s get going on a sequel as well. Or better yet, we should start thinking about five of everything before we start a project.

And if I hear of one writer or producer in a pitch meeting that tries to slip in an idea that they thought up all by themselves, I will have them thrown off the lot and ruined forever in show business.

Capisce?

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 11, 2013February 18, 2014

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2013 – Day 3 – The Drunkening

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2013

Day 1 – It Begins

Day 2 – Build-A-Bike

Day 3 – The Drunkening

Ugh.

I’m sure the planners of these conferences (not just Herb Allen’s but corporate offsites the world over) always dream great things will happen – that an idea will emerge that changes the world; that partnerships will form to create new and better companies… such wasted optimism.

And at the beginning of the week, most attendees seem to go along with the party line (drinking the Kool-aid and vodka, if you will).

And even though I have been cynical from the beginning (read every Day 1 post I’ve ever had from previous conferences (2009 – 2010 – 2011 – 2012 – and 2013) – deep down there is a slight tinge of hope that this might be worth my time.

But then the week drags on – and we drink at the bar late at night – have a hangover breakfast with lots of greasy meats – go to some mindless panel about how important content, sports and new distribution platforms are in all our lives – play golf – get drunk – eat wedding caliber food – get drunk some more (repeat repeat repeat)…

Maybe it’s because most of the attendees (like me) are so old and set in our ways.

Perhaps the new ideas will come from the Herb Allen III conference in Phoenix next year (because Herb Allen III is younger!) that focuses on new media… younger moguls, newer, fresher ideas (based on older, staler ideas) – a new energy that everyone seems to need.

Or not.

The biggest problem with Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference is the new moguls all try to act like old moguls – try to hang with the heavy scotch drinkers and cigar smokers, try to wear the Polo shirts that only an old mogul can look right in… it’s not easy to be an old mogul and actually look like an old mogul.

Out of the millions of stiff, awkward middle managers in media companies around the world only one or at most two will rise to become a true mogul (i.e., Ben Silverman will never be a mogul – try though he may; and the jury is definitely still out on Thomas Tull who is attempting to buy his way into moguldom).

You can’t fake it. It has to be organic.

It was originally titled Day 3 – “China” – because there was a huge focus today on China opportunities and how do media companies (and businesses in general) crack that Chinese nut?

First of all, you can’t (there’s that cynicism again!). But it’s absolutely true.

To get the scale in China that companies need would require being able to grow our businesses into significant businesses. Just making a few bucks here and there and having a movie work every once in a while isn’t going to cut it. We need to have a significant presence in China to make it worth all this effort.

And as soon as a foreign company gets a significant presence in China – the Chinese government will dial you back. They may not kick you out but they may decide not to distribute your movie for “censorship issues,” or not to release your new handset because of “environmental reasons”(ridiculous, right?) or not offer your content in a streaming service due to some other excuse that the government won’t even attempt to make creative or fair.

I led a panel this morning on “How To Properly Bribe Chinese Officials.” I’ve written on this in the past – and have learned over the years you can actually get a lot more accomplished by offering bottles of Slivovitz and cartons of American cigarettes than by offering cash or personal favors (i.e., helping to get a Chinese government official’s kid get into Harvard, etc.)

We just have to be realistic about China. It’s fine if your expectations are low and you are okay with having a small business and making a little bit of money or using the cheap labor to build your toys and American flags. But for distributing content and for growing a huge, profitable business – China sucks and will always suck.

The only excitement left at this year’s conference (and wasn’t Building-A-Bike and a nauseous river raft ride enough excitement for one person) is tomorrow’s media panel with Rupert Murdoch, John Malone and Barry Diller (the same team from yesterday’s disastrous “Build-A-Bike” exercise).

Watching three guys who really hate each other attempting to be cordial (while offering nothing new) should be truly entertaining.

Or not at all. That’s the problem – just when you think maybe something will come out of the conference, nothing does.

Outside of that, the drunkening continues.

I have now been forced to make my own drinks because Vin Tran has had some sort of breakdown and can barely function (he talks often about bringing shame to his family).

There is a rumor the great Bin Tran will triumphantly return for the final night of the conference since his daughter gave birth yesterday (congratulations, Bin – never go away again).

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 10, 2013July 11, 2013

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2013 – Day 2 – Build-A-Bike

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2013

Day 1 – It Begins

Day 2 – Build-A-Bike

Day 3 – The Drunkening

Herb Allen always makes Day 2 into an adventure.

Last year was the disastrous Acid Trip.

The year before was the disastrous Mogulympics.

And the year before for that was the disastrous Burning Mogul.

This year, Herb decided to focus on team building. And what better way to do that than by building a bunch of bikes for underprivileged kids in the Sun Valley area (which probably means those kids whose parents earn less than $1 million).

My initial reaction was exactly the same as Sheryl Sandberg’s who said: “What kind of crappy ass bullshit is this waste of goddamned fucking time?!”

After a morning with Roger Goodell talking about how great the NFL is and a presentation by Larry Page talking about how great Google is (the only negatives seemed to be that both the NFL and Google have an extraordinary number of head injuries) – we now have to build bikes.

Bikes are a big part of Herb’s Sun Valley gatherings. We all ride around on them all week looking like dorks.

Bikes were even a part of the very first Herb Allen gathering – presumably with Herb Allen’s grandfather (Sr. minus 1) – back in the early 1900s (see right).

But seriously, we’ve all made our fortune building very successful teams. You don’t get to the top of the media world without a little bit of knowledge on how build a winning team.

So nearly everyone complained when we all gathered in the Great Hall of the Moguls and saw a big pile of bike parts in the middle several round tables.

Kazuo Hirai’s “Fuck this!” was probably the loudest one I heard in the room (and there were many).

But as we got into the exercise, I began to realize the value and learning how difficult it is for a room full of arrogant pricks to actually work together and produce anything at all. Maybe there was a lesson to be learned here.

See, we moguls don’t have to do anything by ourselves. We are driven everywhere, our food is prepared for us, everything we own is always taken care of by others… if you do something yourself, you are weak and a loser. Some of us even have our own ass wiped (I promise not to mention any names, Harvey).

But we weren’t just going to be building bikes (and this is where the genius of Herb Allen really shines through), we were going to be building bikes with people we hate.

Michael Eisner was put on the same team with Jeffrey Katzenberg (and, just for fun, Michael Ovitz)…

Rupert Murdoch was teamed with his sons James and Lachlan…

Barry Diller was teamed with Leslie Moonves and John Malone…

I could go on and on with hateful matching – but, basically, if one person was known to hate another person, they were put on the same team.

Because Herb knew that I would probably either not show up or not want to participate, he made me a facilitator . I just had to walk around the room and make sure people were completing their task.

Each team had 30 minutes. Herb Allen banged the Great Gong of the Moguls (left) and everyone started to build their bikes.

The first table I stopped at was with the team of Thomas Tull, Brian Roberts, Steve Burke and Jeff Bewkes. Tull and his new Comcast NBC Universal brethren seemed to be working together pretty well – with Jeff Bewkes disengaged, looking at his phone.

[For the record, Manka Bros. officially passed on a deal with Legendary weeks ago after Mr. Tull requested (on top of an insultingly low theatrical distribution fee of 8%) my parking space, complete access to my executive spa and vomitorium and a further demand that I call him “Lord Thomas.” The distribution fee I could stomach but the other things – all non-starters.]

After a few moments of harmony, things started to break down and Thomus Tull got really frustrated that he wasn’t being allowed to build the bike all by himself. So he decided to go to an unassigned table and build another bike himself. The Comcast guys tried to get him to stay by saying: “Lord Thomas, please, let’s give it another shot… you can put the wheels on… we won’t interfere… etc. etc.. (Humorous anecdote: When he tried to ride his bike at the end, the wheels fell off.)

I then moved over to Rupert Murdoch’s table. Rupert was yelling at his son James “Righty tighty! Lefty loosey, you idiot!” Lachlan then repeated what he dad said but with less enthusiasm. “Chase Carey knows how to screw on a bolt!”

Things were really heated at the Barry Diller, Les Moonves and John Malone table. Definitely no love loss there. No one had budged an inch to start the process. Finally, Barry Diller said: “Whatever, let’s just fucking put this thing together and get to the bar.”

Les Moonves got right up in Barry’s face: “I hope you brought one of the little antennas, the TV in the bar ain’t free for you.”

Barry Diller: “I definitely brought enough little antennas for your mother! I think it’s adorable how you defend something so old as broadcast television. Like helping an old lady across the street.”

Les Moonves: “Yeah, I’d like to help your mother across the street!”

Barry Diller: “That’s not even an insult.”

John Malone got involved: “Frankly, I don’t care what you do to broadcast – but if you come after cable, Diller, I’m gonna have a problem with that. And you don’t want me or my karate friends in cable to have a problem.”

Barry Diller: “Oh my God, the testosterone of old media is so pathetic.”

I intervened before a silly slap fight broke out and reminded them of the task at hand.

I continued on. Most in the room were just talking or looking at their phones. There was one young group of Silicon Valley guys doing hacky-sack.

Then I heard one group finish because Sumner Redstone yelled “Bingo!”

Everyone looked over to see Sumner and Sergey Brin and Larry Page (with King Abdullah II of Jordan thrown in for good measure) posed in front of a gleaming new bike. They were all wearing Google Glass. (I don’t think Sumner remembered that the Google guys were also the YouTube guys and that he was suing them for $1 billion.)

There was a non-caring disappointed groan in the room and then a non-caring round of applause for the winners.

And that was it – another Day 2 disaster at the Sun Valley conference.

The Build-A-Bike technicians came in at the end and finished all the bikes.

They actually turned out so cool that we all decided to keep the bikes for ourselves.

Because of my bad back, I passed on the river raft ride (there’s nothing more pathetic than a couple of hundred CEOs acting like they know how to white water raft).

I’m at the The Drankin’ Hole dictating this blog and then off to a BBQ hosted by Bobby Flay.

What will tomorrow bring? More bullshit. More crap. Don’t envy us. Our lives suck just as much as yours.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

June 3, 2013

Manka Bros Would Like To Offer Nikki Finke A Job

Allen & Company retreat, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Carol Bartz, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Gina Bianchini, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Khan Manka, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, World's Largest Media Company, Chase Carey, James Murdoch, Elisabeth Murdoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Jim Gianopulos, Joel Klein, Jon Miller, Steve Burke, Michael Angelakis, Leslie Moonves, Philippe Dauman, Jeff Bewkes, John Martin, Howard Stringer, Rob Wiesenthal, Michael Lynton, John Malone, Greg Maffei, Haim Saban, David Zaslav, John Hendricks, Mike White, Edgar Bronfman, Len Blavatnik, Tim Armstrong, Peter Chernin, Tom Freston, Carol Bartz, Jerry Yang, Mark Pincus, Owen Van Natta, Brian Roberts, Jason Kilar, Wayne Willich, Reid Hoffman, Harvey Weinstein, Diane Von Furstenberg, Andrew Mason, Jason Kilar, Ben Horowitz, Gina Bianchini, Mark Pincus, Ali Pincus, Robert Wiesenthal, Tom Freston, Bing Gordon, Bill Gates, Chris Christie, Martin Sorrell, Eric Lefkofsky, Oprah Winfrey, Jeff Bezos, Tim Cook, Cory Booker, Michael Bloomberg, Joel Klein, Lachlan Murdoch, James Murdoch, Bobby Kotick, Marc Andreessen, Peter Thiel, Dick Costolo, Ross Levinsoh, Paul Sagan, Leslie Moonves, Tim Armstrong, Glenn Britt, Donald Graham, Kazuo Hirai, Howard Stringer, Jae-Yong Lee, Bryan Lourd, Ron Meyer, Brad Grey, Edmund Lee, Anthony Palazzo, John Malone, Chris Silbermann, Jim Berkus, Roger Goodell, David Stern, Chris Christie, Julius Genachowski, Erin Burnett, Charlie Rose, Becky Quick, Todd Davidson, Reed Hastings, Terry Semel, Jerry Yang, Ken Allen, Laurene Powell Jobs, Jean-Bernard Levy, Lucian Grainge, Jonathan Boyar, Mark Pincus, Michael Lynton, Mandy Tavakol, Mario Monti, Dave DeVoe, John Martin, Brian Roberts, David Zaslav, Mel Karmazin, Carol Bartz, Scott Thompson, Jason Kilar, King Abdullah II, Queen Rania, Queen Noor, #sv12, #Sunvalley2012, #allenco, Robert Johnson, Anne Sweeney, Brian Grazer, Michael Ovitz, Hiroshi Mikitani, Owen Van Natta, Don Mattrick, Nikki Finke, Sharon Waxman, Jay Penske, Deadline Hollywood

Good morning from my house in the Seychelles.

A few of us are having a great night drinking schnapps and eating crab. I won’t name names for security reasons but their initials are DM, RM, BD, JB, CC – you figure it out.

I just received my daily fax of important Hollywood internet stories from my assistant, Vicky Adler-Modry, and noticed that apparently Nikki Finke was fired from Deadline Hollywood.

I didn’t even realize that was possible – basically the equivalent of me getting fired from Manka Bros. We all know this is an impossible thing. It would take gunfire and a hostage situation to remove me from my post and that wouldn’t be legal – so I guess nothing could get me out.

[Goddamnit, Barry Diller just fucking spilled watermelon schnapps on my white carpet! But I digress…]

Let me get right to the point and I’ll speak directly to Nikki as I write:

Manka Bros. would like to offer you, Nikki Finke, a job – doing pretty much whatever you would like. If you’ve seen our numbers lately, we need help in most areas of the business.

If you would like to start a cut-throat-destroy-someone’s-life-type blog like you are currently running – that would be fine.

If you would like to work as a partner with our own in-house cut-throat-destroy-someone’s-life-type-blog – OnMedea – that would be fine as well. She would love the help.

If you would like to run our Theatrical Group – that would be fine, too. Robin Rafe has really been sucking lately and needs to be replaced at some point (off the record).

Or just pick something off our Jobs board – we’ve got a few great openings right now.

So, think about it, Nikki – Manka Bros. is one place you will never be fired from (unless you write about me or my family). Call my assistant at the studio, Vicky Adler-Modry (or just Friend her on Facebook).

I have to get back to karaoake – Rupert’s about to sing “MacArthur Park” – (never to be missed).

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

October 9, 2012October 10, 2012

Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer Jack Welch A Job

[The following is a transcribed phone conversation that Khan Manka, Jr. wanted posted on his Chairman’s Blog. Per his request, this is unedited – so I apologize for any unseemly language.]

Hello from Cannes!

Earlier today, I gave the keynote address at MIPCOM and now I am sitting here at the Hotel Carlton bar with my good friends Ben Silverman and Harvey Weinstein (though Harvey is not really sitting but sort of bent over on the floor). He is not passed out – so fuck you paparazzi – nothing to see here!

There are also myriad of hangers-on and wannabees – I’m talking to you Jeff Zucker!

It was just brought to my attention that the dumb asses at Fortune forced Jack Welch to quit his little blogger job over some Tweets or some shit? (I’ve been traveling and am a little vague on any details other than what it costs for a Cape Cod in Cannes – 20 fucking Euros!)

Well, whatever the truth (and I’m just dictating this over the phone to my assistant Vicky, the lawyers still have to do the official shit), Manka Bros. would like to offer, you, Jack Welch, a job.

I, frankly, don’t care what area you work in, I just know we would love to be in the Jack Welch business.

We don’t make jet engines or 3D printers (or whatever it was you used to do), but we do make the best damn creative content on the freakin’ planet.

Hang on, Jack. Fuck you, Silverman, you suck!

Sorry, Jack, Ben’s talking to the Mob Wives or something.

Hang on – yes, and put some goddamned alcohol in it this time!

Sorry, Jack.

Anyway, I’m thinking you could do a financial blog for us or even run the TV division – Jay McBee has really been sucking lately (off the record). My philosophy there has always been “Anyone But Silverman” in that job. We have a very prestigious Business Channel and we really need a cranky old nut case like you as one of the morning screamers – it would be a real boon to the ratings.

Just let me know as soon as you can – there are a lot of ex-moguls that would love this opportunity and I’m leaving them hanging until I hear back from you.

Ben’s trying to grab my phone so he can tell you off – did you both work at NBC?! – I’m hanging up!

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 18, 2012July 18, 2012

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012 – Day 3 – The Future

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012

Day 1 – Day 2 – Day 3

Over the past few days, I have received several emails saying “Come on, Khan, you goddamned prick – where is your fucking write-up of Day 3 of the Herb Allen suckfest?

Well, Michael Eisner, here it is, asshole. Read it and weep. Your business is fucked.

And stop driving by my house – you’re creeping out my daughter.

Day 3 – The Future

I was initially thinking of having a nice sunrise picture to symbolize the optimism I have for the future of the big media companies. Instead, I chose the picture of a tornado with lightning. I think that is more accurate.

This is my last full day in Sun Valley and instead of participating in endless, pointless panels on how the future will include selling our library content to galactic markets outside of Earth, I decided to go The Drankin Hole (aka The Duchin Lounge) and hang with my only true friend at the conference – bartender Bin Tran.

Tomorrow, I have to go to another pointless conference – Comic-Con. I gave a keynote speech there a couple years ago and now I’m returning to premiere footage from a Holocaust movie we have coming out and to sit on a Future of Publishing panel with, most likely, people dressed as Wookiees.

I grabbed a handful of bacon at Herbie’s House of Slop (the affectionate name given to the morning hangover breakfast that is served) and headed to the bar.

Bin Tran was either just getting to work or just finishing up his nightly shift (since Marc Andreessen and John Malone were still there in their clothes from last night, I’m betting on the latter).

Brian Grazer was the only other person in the bar – just sitting in a corner and crying into his phone.

I sat at the far end of the bar, away from everyone.

Bin Tran set me up with a dirty martini and a shot of Tabasco to shake out the cobwebs from yesterday’s Acid Trip.

We had a conversation.

Khan Manka, Jr. (KM): Bin, what do you do for entertainment?

Bin Tran (BT): Me, Mr. Khan? I watch a Vietnamese channel out of Boise. Mostly game shows and singing shows with comedy. I also like ‘Modern Family.’

KM: You know all of us here at the conference? We control how most of the world spends their leisure time. Either through movies, television, games, books, magazines, newspapers, sports… it’s all managed by the people at this hotel. And none of us knows what the fuck to do about the future.

BT: My kids like the ‘Batman’ movies. Did you make the ‘Batman’ movies?

KM: No. We have ‘Captain Stoppo’ coming next year if fucking Cormac McCarthy can finish a fucking script in this lifetime.

BT: Oh… you should make ‘Batman’ movies.

KM: Yeah.

I gulped down my drink and pushed the glass out for more.

The next morning, I was carried by the Sun Valley Guard (in their shocking orange pants) to a limo and then to my plane.

I didn’t really learn much this week about the future or how my company will navigate what is coming other than… we need to make ‘Batman’ movies.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 12, 2012July 3, 2013

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012 – Day 2 – The Acid Trip

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012

Day 1 – Day 2 – Day 3

————————-

“One pill makes you larger

And one pill makes you small

And the ones that mother gives you

Don’t do anything at all

Go ask Alice, when she’s ten feet tall.”

Yeah… so that was the song that woke us all up this morning – ‘White Rabbit’ by Jefferson Airplane.

I definitely prefer to wake up to a song like that than the horrible ‘Dawn of the Mogul’ written by Michael Eisner.

I don’t remember getting back to my room last night. Michael Ovitz and I were pounding Slivovitz shots (at one low point he said he was going to change his name to Sliv Ovitz) and arguing about modern art. I believe I won the argument – it IS a bunch of crap. I also told him I had no interest in buying any art from his collection so that he could pay his utility bills.

Getting angrier and angrier, Ovitz disagreed with my blog yesterday. He said I was throwing old media under the bus. I told him I would throw him under the bus. He stood up (I think) and made a few awkward Kung Fu poses and facial contortions and threatened to kick my ass.

Bob Iger leaned over from the next stool and placed a hand on his shoulder. Ovitz sat down, did a shot, and that was the end of that.

But let me get back to this morning because this is a significant day in the history of the world (no platitudes, seriously).

Because today was the day Herbert A. Allen, Jr. convinced some of the greatest minds in the world of business to drop acid.

It’s no secret that nearly everyone that is attending this Conference has read the Steve Jobs book by Walter Isaacson.

How do I know that? Because now, everyone is calling themselves “artists” and the products they produce is now “art.” And they’re also calling everyone else’s ideas “shit” and “I think that new product is shit” and “Is that what you’re wearing, because I think it looks like shit.”

“Shit” is the 2012 buzzword of the Conference.

It’s also no secret that Steve Jobs was a big fan of LSD and believes that his creativity stems from the years he spent doing it. He even went through a phase where he didn’t even want to hire anyone who hadn’t done it.

So Herb wanted to see what all the fuss was about.

Me, personally, I was the son of a legendary movie mogul and a Hollywood brat. Needless to say, I’ve dropped acid many, many times.

I was also a Deadhead for a couple of years during my sabbatical from the studio in the late 1980s (127 shows!) and really the only creativity I got out of it was finding new and different angles to stare at my hand. (I also thought up a couple of movie ideas with monkeys that we eventually made at the studio. One included a monkey becoming Pope – by accident! It was – and still is – hilarious. And one day we will make that movie!)

Anyway… we all assembled in the Great Hall of the Moguls (The Limelight Ballroom). Nearly everyone stood or sat in complete confusion – totally dazed from the night before. Anne Sweeney was definitely not doing well.

Herb Allen, wearing a fringe jacket and Sonny Bono-type fur boots circa 1970, entered the room holding a round glass container with a lid.

I’m getting long winded here, so let me just say that after many (MANY) protestations (especially from Warren Buffet and Jordan’s King Abdullah II), we all stuck out our tongues and, per Herb’s instructions (from Wikipedia) we let the tab of acid dissolve in our mouths a bit and then swallowed.

While we waited for the effects to kick in, there was panel discussion on digital diversity moderated by Charlie Rose.

After a while, as people started to emit strange sounds and have visible facial ticks, some ground rules were laid out.

Hotel security, photographers, press and any hangers on were removed from the property for the next several hours. Herb told us to explore every inch of the space and to let our minds go.

In two hours, we would be rounded up and brought back so that we could brainstorm.

The goal was to come up with ten new ideas – ideas that could change the world or change our business.

The first thing that I decided to do was to follow that small rainbow pig into the coat check closet. I think it must have come from the surrounding mountains.

After a half hour in the closet, I came out – not really sure why I went in the closet.

There was just way too much going on in the room to accurately put it down here. Some highlights that I observed:

Mark Zuckerberg was sprawled on the floor. He was pleading – sweating profusely – “Help me! I’m not really Spider-Man! These suction cups are losing their suck! I’m sliding down this building! Help!”

Rupert Murdoch was trying to pull the yellow out of the carpet and saying over and over again – “It’s not working. I don’t feel anything.”

Barry Diller was laying under a table, happily drawing a series of self-portraits (see right).

Bob Iger came up to me: “Do you think people on this drug would enjoy the ‘Main Street Electrical Parade’? Perhaps we could sell it at the parks to enhance their enjoyment. I told him that if he didn’t take off his Bob Iger mask I would take it off for him.

Viacom CEO Philippe Dauman approached, holding a piece of broken glass – his arm a bit bloody: “There are some musical instruments in the corner over there. I think we should set them up and play ‘Smoke On The Water.’ I know the chords.”

For the next hour we attempted to plug in a keyboard but constantly got sidetracked by the sheer ingenuity of the keyboard plug.

I could go on and on and on – and maybe one day I’ll write a full book form version – but for now, after a few hours, here are the 10 ideas the roomful of moguls came up with (directly taken off the white board):

1. Sell movies and TV shows on the Internet. (subnote: Seriously this time!)

2. Film is so much more beautiful than digital but profit margins are shit so fuck it (subnote: “I could totally swim to Catalina” signed “Brian Roberts”).

3. If NASA could figure out how to get the Mars Rover onto Mars, WE should be able to get something onto at least Saturn.

4. Why do we need birds and how do we solve that problem?

5. Sinbad was a funny comic at one time but he just didn’t crossover to be a movie star.

6. $10 million dollars is nothing. We’re talking about my house here. If the marble is not right then back to fucking Italy it goes. (subnote: You people are idiots!)

7. We should change the word “palindrome” to an actual word that is a palindrome.

8. Instead of telling people when our shows are on television, why don’t we tell them to fuck off instead? (That one got a big laugh.)

9. Maybe we should transition back to analog. Life was better then. (Added underneath: “SAYS YOUR MOM!” – signed “Zuckerberg”)

10. England Dan & John Ford Coley were so much better than Hall & Oates, they just didn’t have the management.

————————————

As I dictate this to my assistant, hours later, the effects have pretty much worn off. Though I still need to get these Barry Diller tattoos or whatever they are off my legs, then I am going to nap, shower and join everyone for dinner and drinks.

I’m glad I came. Tomorrow should be fun.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 10, 2012July 1, 2015

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012 – Day 1 – Disappearing Mogul

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012

Day 1 – Day 2 – Day 3

“The sun was warmer then.”

This may be the last year I come here.

If I was looking for a complete waste of time, I would have gone back to Comic-Con.

You know the world is f-ed when you realize you are sitting in a ballroom with many of the world’s most powerful men (and WOMAN) in media and politics and the main topic of conversation is the temperature in the room.

Half of the room is wearing comfortable summer clothes (short sleeve shirts accentuating the effects of personal trainers) and the other half is wearing sweaters and badgering the wait staff to ‘turn up the Goddamned heat!’

It’s mostly generational (young = muscle shirt; old = sweater) with the exception of Bob Iger – but he’ll age and get fat one day (and it won’t be pretty).

I have two questions as Herb Allen’s 2012 Conference gets under way: How long will we have to endure pointless PowerPoint presentations about bullshit made-up research and how soon can we get to the bar? (I have a feeling these are also Oprah’s questions.)

I am, however, very excited that the Prime Minister of Italy (Mario Monti) is here and can’t wait to get a taste of his private wine stash (I heard he brought his own booze in a giant steamer trunk).

I’ve told bartender virtuoso Bin Tran to swap out the wine of one of Mr. Monti’s prized bottles with California’s own Two Buck Chuck. I’ll try to take a video of his reaction – see if I can make Herb’s end-of-conference blooper reel (which is always dominated by Jeffrey Katzenberg and his animal calls).

So, on the fun side, there should be a few highlights.

On the business side, it’s Goddamned depressing.

I look around the room at my friends and see nothing but old white men – men who were once powerful but now frail.

And I’m one of them, I fear.

“Disruption” is a current buzz word in the media business but everyone should remember, my old mogul friends freakin’ invented media disruption:

In the 1920s, Sumner Redstone helped usher in the transition from silent movies to sound.

In the 1940s, Barry Diller convinced a reluctant movie industry to start producing content for a new technology called “television.”

In the 1960s, Bob Iger convinced the black & white television industry to transition to a new technology called “color television.”

In the 1980s, if it wasn’t for me, Hollywood’s iconic, beautifully rendered animated characters wouldn’t have started showing up in Happy Meals and on Big Gulp cups.

And even today, my good friend Rupert Murdoch is changing the way news is gathered. By tapping directly into the victim’s phone messages, he has bypassed the tedious step of finding a credible source to get that same information.

These were seismic shifts in our industry. And now, we’re irrelevant?

As a sign of the times, just outside the ballroom here at the Sun Valley Lodge, LinkedIn CEO Jeff Weiner was sitting at a table by himself hoping to sign copies of his Forbes Magazine cover (he also has poster sized ones available for $100).

That used to be Michael Eisner out there signing shit!

(Personally, I think being on the cover of Forbes is the equivalent of a football player being on the cover of Madden NFL. Others recently on the cover of Forbes include Andrew Mason, Paul Graham and Justin Bieber.)

If you only read Forbes, you would think Silicon Valley is the future of all media!

So… is Hollywood done?

Definitely… if you listen to the heads of the top Silicon Valley companies. According to them, they’ve got it all figured out. The general opinion there is that Hollywood is old, out of touch and getting older and out of toucher by the day.

Well, we’ll see about that, my young padawans.

Remember the first “Karate Kid” (30 years ago) when Mr. Miyagi kicks four young karate students’ asses in about 15 seconds? Hollywood is Mr. Miyagi.

Sure, you say, that’s a movie and not real. Bull shit, I say. Hollywood movies are in our DNA (something Silicon Valley will never understand) and we know how to manufacture happy endings.

There are already signs Silicon Valley is losing a bit of its swagger.

Last year, with a “guaranteed blockbuster IPO” on the horizon, I remember Mark Zuckerberg and Sheryl Sandberg arrived at the Conference on Hoverboards.

This year, they came on a bus.

So… the battle is joined on the neutral territory of the Sun Valley Lodge.

Hollywood vs. Silicon Valley. One will win. One will go back to their parents’ basement.

May God have mercy on us all.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company