Bobby Kotick – Page 2 – Chairman's Blog

July 18, 2012July 18, 2012

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012 – Day 3 – The Future

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Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012

Over the past few days, I have received several emails saying “Come on, Khan, you goddamned prick – where is your fucking write-up of Day 3 of the Herb Allen suckfest?

Well, Michael Eisner, here it is, asshole. Read it and weep. Your business is fucked.

And stop driving by my house – you’re creeping out my daughter.

Day 3 – The Future

I was initially thinking of having a nice sunrise picture to symbolize the optimism I have for the future of the big media companies. Instead, I chose the picture of a tornado with lightning. I think that is more accurate.

This is my last full day in Sun Valley and instead of participating in endless, pointless panels on how the future will include selling our library content to galactic markets outside of Earth, I decided to go The Drankin Hole (aka The Duchin Lounge) and hang with my only true friend at the conference – bartender Bin Tran.

Tomorrow, I have to go to another pointless conference – Comic-Con. I gave a keynote speech there a couple years ago and now I’m returning to premiere footage from a Holocaust movie we have coming out and to sit on a Future of Publishing panel with, most likely, people dressed as Wookiees.

I grabbed a handful of bacon at Herbie’s House of Slop (the affectionate name given to the morning hangover breakfast that is served) and headed to the bar.

Bin Tran was either just getting to work or just finishing up his nightly shift (since Marc Andreessen and John Malone were still there in their clothes from last night, I’m betting on the latter).

Brian Grazer was the only other person in the bar – just sitting in a corner and crying into his phone.

I sat at the far end of the bar, away from everyone.

Bin Tran set me up with a dirty martini and a shot of Tabasco to shake out the cobwebs from yesterday’s Acid Trip.

We had a conversation.

Khan Manka, Jr. (KM): Bin, what do you do for entertainment?

Bin Tran (BT): Me, Mr. Khan? I watch a Vietnamese channel out of Boise. Mostly game shows and singing shows with comedy. I also like ‘Modern Family.’

KM: You know all of us here at the conference? We control how most of the world spends their leisure time. Either through movies, television, games, books, magazines, newspapers, sports… it’s all managed by the people at this hotel. And none of us knows what the fuck to do about the future.

BT: My kids like the ‘Batman’ movies. Did you make the ‘Batman’ movies?

KM: No. We have ‘Captain Stoppo’ coming next year if fucking Cormac McCarthy can finish a fucking script in this lifetime.

BT: Oh… you should make ‘Batman’ movies.

KM: Yeah.

I gulped down my drink and pushed the glass out for more.

The next morning, I was carried by the Sun Valley Guard (in their shocking orange pants) to a limo and then to my plane.

I didn’t really learn much this week about the future or how my company will navigate what is coming other than… we need to make ‘Batman’ movies.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 12, 2012July 3, 2013

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012 – Day 2 – The Acid Trip

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012

Day 1 – Day 2 – Day 3

————————-

“One pill makes you larger

And one pill makes you small

And the ones that mother gives you

Don’t do anything at all

Go ask Alice, when she’s ten feet tall.”

Yeah… so that was the song that woke us all up this morning – ‘White Rabbit’ by Jefferson Airplane.

I definitely prefer to wake up to a song like that than the horrible ‘Dawn of the Mogul’ written by Michael Eisner.

I don’t remember getting back to my room last night. Michael Ovitz and I were pounding Slivovitz shots (at one low point he said he was going to change his name to Sliv Ovitz) and arguing about modern art. I believe I won the argument – it IS a bunch of crap. I also told him I had no interest in buying any art from his collection so that he could pay his utility bills.

Getting angrier and angrier, Ovitz disagreed with my blog yesterday. He said I was throwing old media under the bus. I told him I would throw him under the bus. He stood up (I think) and made a few awkward Kung Fu poses and facial contortions and threatened to kick my ass.

Bob Iger leaned over from the next stool and placed a hand on his shoulder. Ovitz sat down, did a shot, and that was the end of that.

But let me get back to this morning because this is a significant day in the history of the world (no platitudes, seriously).

Because today was the day Herbert A. Allen, Jr. convinced some of the greatest minds in the world of business to drop acid.

It’s no secret that nearly everyone that is attending this Conference has read the Steve Jobs book by Walter Isaacson.

How do I know that? Because now, everyone is calling themselves “artists” and the products they produce is now “art.” And they’re also calling everyone else’s ideas “shit” and “I think that new product is shit” and “Is that what you’re wearing, because I think it looks like shit.”

“Shit” is the 2012 buzzword of the Conference.

It’s also no secret that Steve Jobs was a big fan of LSD and believes that his creativity stems from the years he spent doing it. He even went through a phase where he didn’t even want to hire anyone who hadn’t done it.

So Herb wanted to see what all the fuss was about.

Me, personally, I was the son of a legendary movie mogul and a Hollywood brat. Needless to say, I’ve dropped acid many, many times.

I was also a Deadhead for a couple of years during my sabbatical from the studio in the late 1980s (127 shows!) and really the only creativity I got out of it was finding new and different angles to stare at my hand. (I also thought up a couple of movie ideas with monkeys that we eventually made at the studio. One included a monkey becoming Pope – by accident! It was – and still is – hilarious. And one day we will make that movie!)

Anyway… we all assembled in the Great Hall of the Moguls (The Limelight Ballroom). Nearly everyone stood or sat in complete confusion – totally dazed from the night before. Anne Sweeney was definitely not doing well.

Herb Allen, wearing a fringe jacket and Sonny Bono-type fur boots circa 1970, entered the room holding a round glass container with a lid.

I’m getting long winded here, so let me just say that after many (MANY) protestations (especially from Warren Buffet and Jordan’s King Abdullah II), we all stuck out our tongues and, per Herb’s instructions (from Wikipedia) we let the tab of acid dissolve in our mouths a bit and then swallowed.

While we waited for the effects to kick in, there was panel discussion on digital diversity moderated by Charlie Rose.

After a while, as people started to emit strange sounds and have visible facial ticks, some ground rules were laid out.

Hotel security, photographers, press and any hangers on were removed from the property for the next several hours. Herb told us to explore every inch of the space and to let our minds go.

In two hours, we would be rounded up and brought back so that we could brainstorm.

The goal was to come up with ten new ideas – ideas that could change the world or change our business.

The first thing that I decided to do was to follow that small rainbow pig into the coat check closet. I think it must have come from the surrounding mountains.

After a half hour in the closet, I came out – not really sure why I went in the closet.

There was just way too much going on in the room to accurately put it down here. Some highlights that I observed:

Mark Zuckerberg was sprawled on the floor. He was pleading – sweating profusely – “Help me! I’m not really Spider-Man! These suction cups are losing their suck! I’m sliding down this building! Help!”

Rupert Murdoch was trying to pull the yellow out of the carpet and saying over and over again – “It’s not working. I don’t feel anything.”

Barry Diller was laying under a table, happily drawing a series of self-portraits (see right).

Bob Iger came up to me: “Do you think people on this drug would enjoy the ‘Main Street Electrical Parade’? Perhaps we could sell it at the parks to enhance their enjoyment. I told him that if he didn’t take off his Bob Iger mask I would take it off for him.

Viacom CEO Philippe Dauman approached, holding a piece of broken glass – his arm a bit bloody: “There are some musical instruments in the corner over there. I think we should set them up and play ‘Smoke On The Water.’ I know the chords.”

For the next hour we attempted to plug in a keyboard but constantly got sidetracked by the sheer ingenuity of the keyboard plug.

I could go on and on and on – and maybe one day I’ll write a full book form version – but for now, after a few hours, here are the 10 ideas the roomful of moguls came up with (directly taken off the white board):

1. Sell movies and TV shows on the Internet. (subnote: Seriously this time!)

2. Film is so much more beautiful than digital but profit margins are shit so fuck it (subnote: “I could totally swim to Catalina” signed “Brian Roberts”).

3. If NASA could figure out how to get the Mars Rover onto Mars, WE should be able to get something onto at least Saturn.

4. Why do we need birds and how do we solve that problem?

5. Sinbad was a funny comic at one time but he just didn’t crossover to be a movie star.

6. $10 million dollars is nothing. We’re talking about my house here. If the marble is not right then back to fucking Italy it goes. (subnote: You people are idiots!)

7. We should change the word “palindrome” to an actual word that is a palindrome.

8. Instead of telling people when our shows are on television, why don’t we tell them to fuck off instead? (That one got a big laugh.)

9. Maybe we should transition back to analog. Life was better then. (Added underneath: “SAYS YOUR MOM!” – signed “Zuckerberg”)

10. England Dan & John Ford Coley were so much better than Hall & Oates, they just didn’t have the management.

————————————

As I dictate this to my assistant, hours later, the effects have pretty much worn off. Though I still need to get these Barry Diller tattoos or whatever they are off my legs, then I am going to nap, shower and join everyone for dinner and drinks.

I’m glad I came. Tomorrow should be fun.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 10, 2012July 1, 2015

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012 – Day 1 – Disappearing Mogul

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012

Day 1 – Day 2 – Day 3

“The sun was warmer then.”

This may be the last year I come here.

If I was looking for a complete waste of time, I would have gone back to Comic-Con.

You know the world is f-ed when you realize you are sitting in a ballroom with many of the world’s most powerful men (and WOMAN) in media and politics and the main topic of conversation is the temperature in the room.

Half of the room is wearing comfortable summer clothes (short sleeve shirts accentuating the effects of personal trainers) and the other half is wearing sweaters and badgering the wait staff to ‘turn up the Goddamned heat!’

It’s mostly generational (young = muscle shirt; old = sweater) with the exception of Bob Iger – but he’ll age and get fat one day (and it won’t be pretty).

I have two questions as Herb Allen’s 2012 Conference gets under way: How long will we have to endure pointless PowerPoint presentations about bullshit made-up research and how soon can we get to the bar? (I have a feeling these are also Oprah’s questions.)

I am, however, very excited that the Prime Minister of Italy (Mario Monti) is here and can’t wait to get a taste of his private wine stash (I heard he brought his own booze in a giant steamer trunk).

I’ve told bartender virtuoso Bin Tran to swap out the wine of one of Mr. Monti’s prized bottles with California’s own Two Buck Chuck. I’ll try to take a video of his reaction – see if I can make Herb’s end-of-conference blooper reel (which is always dominated by Jeffrey Katzenberg and his animal calls).

So, on the fun side, there should be a few highlights.

On the business side, it’s Goddamned depressing.

I look around the room at my friends and see nothing but old white men – men who were once powerful but now frail.

And I’m one of them, I fear.

“Disruption” is a current buzz word in the media business but everyone should remember, my old mogul friends freakin’ invented media disruption:

In the 1920s, Sumner Redstone helped usher in the transition from silent movies to sound.

In the 1940s, Barry Diller convinced a reluctant movie industry to start producing content for a new technology called “television.”

In the 1960s, Bob Iger convinced the black & white television industry to transition to a new technology called “color television.”

In the 1980s, if it wasn’t for me, Hollywood’s iconic, beautifully rendered animated characters wouldn’t have started showing up in Happy Meals and on Big Gulp cups.

And even today, my good friend Rupert Murdoch is changing the way news is gathered. By tapping directly into the victim’s phone messages, he has bypassed the tedious step of finding a credible source to get that same information.

These were seismic shifts in our industry. And now, we’re irrelevant?

As a sign of the times, just outside the ballroom here at the Sun Valley Lodge, LinkedIn CEO Jeff Weiner was sitting at a table by himself hoping to sign copies of his Forbes Magazine cover (he also has poster sized ones available for $100).

That used to be Michael Eisner out there signing shit!

(Personally, I think being on the cover of Forbes is the equivalent of a football player being on the cover of Madden NFL. Others recently on the cover of Forbes include Andrew Mason, Paul Graham and Justin Bieber.)

If you only read Forbes, you would think Silicon Valley is the future of all media!

So… is Hollywood done?

Definitely… if you listen to the heads of the top Silicon Valley companies. According to them, they’ve got it all figured out. The general opinion there is that Hollywood is old, out of touch and getting older and out of toucher by the day.

Well, we’ll see about that, my young padawans.

Remember the first “Karate Kid” (30 years ago) when Mr. Miyagi kicks four young karate students’ asses in about 15 seconds? Hollywood is Mr. Miyagi.

Sure, you say, that’s a movie and not real. Bull shit, I say. Hollywood movies are in our DNA (something Silicon Valley will never understand) and we know how to manufacture happy endings.

There are already signs Silicon Valley is losing a bit of its swagger.

Last year, with a “guaranteed blockbuster IPO” on the horizon, I remember Mark Zuckerberg and Sheryl Sandberg arrived at the Conference on Hoverboards.

This year, they came on a bus.

So… the battle is joined on the neutral territory of the Sun Valley Lodge.

Hollywood vs. Silicon Valley. One will win. One will go back to their parents’ basement.

May God have mercy on us all.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 9, 2012July 18, 2012

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2012

Day 1 – Disappearing Mogul

Day 2 – The Acid Trip

Day 3 – The Future

———————–

Leaving (7/10/12):

OK – I suppose I’m going to this thing.

Herb called me acting like a kid before his 10th birthday party, all worried that no one was going to show up.

So OK, Herb, I’m on my way.

Based on the last couple of years, I can expect some really weird freaky ass shit to go on again this year.

[To read about that really weird freaky ass shit – go here for 2011 and here for 2010.]

To anyone trying to reach me – fuck off.

I’ll be at The Drankin’ Hole with Chase Carey and our best friend for the next several days – bartender Bin Tran (the best Goddamned dirty martini maker in the world).

The only instructions we have been given by Herb this year are to bring comfortable shoes and have an open mind.

This could mean any number of things when it comes to Herb.

The last time he said bring comfortable shoes we had to participate in that pathetic “Mogulympics” competition.

And the last time he said to have an open mind we got “Burning Mogul” – I still have nightmares from that horrible night.

I’ll do my best to report on how things are going here.

Remember, everything you read in this space for the next few days will be written by a very drunk man.

If I’m not back by Friday, send the other jet with my security team and some local police, for I may be locked in Herb’s dungeon underneath the Sun Valley Lodge.

Herb likes to punish those who do not fully participate and, this year, I do not plan on fully participating.

God speed and get back to work!

Manka Bros. is having another terrible year because YOU are all terrible.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

May 4, 2012May 4, 2012

Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer Scott Thompson A Job

Allen & Company retreat, Anne Mulcahy, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Bobby Kotick, Carol Bartz, Charlie Rose, Cory Booker, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Erin Burnett, Gina Bianchini, Harvey Weinstein, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jean-Bernard Levy, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, John Donahue, Ken Auletta, Khan Manka, Lachlan Murdoch, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lionel Barber, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marc Andreessen, Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Martin Sorrell, Mathias Dopfner, Mike Bloomberg, Niall FitzGerald, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Wiesenthal, Robert L. Johnson, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, Tom Freston, Tom Friedman, Ursula Burns, Vivi Nevo, Warren Buffett, World's Largest Media Company, Rupert Murdoch, Jose Maria Aznar, natalie Bancroft, Peter Barnes, Chase Carey, Kenneth Cowley, David DeVoe, Viet Dinh, Rod Eddington, Joel Klein, Andrew S.B. Knight, James Murdoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Thomas Perkins, Arthur Siskind, John Thornton, Stanley Shuman, Rebekah Brooks, Les Hinton, Teri Everett, jack Horner, Julie Henderson, Reed Nolte, Roger Ailes, Janet Nova, John Nallen, Beryl Cook, Michael Regan, Genie Gavenchak, Brian Lewis, Irena Briganti, Dan Berger, Rosabel Tao, Steven Rubenstein, Suzanne Halpin, Elisabeth Murdoch, Carol Bartz, Roy Bostock, Patti Hart, Sue James, Vyomesh Joshi, David Kenny, Arthur Kern, Brad Smith, Gary Wilson, Jerry Yang, Blake Irving, Ross Levinsohn, Rose Tsou, Rich Riley, Tim Morse, Michael J. Callahan, David Dibble, David Filo, Dr. Prabhakar Roghavan, Jeff Russakow, Elisa Steele, David Windley

It seems that Silicon Valley and Wall Street are going ape shit over the fact that Scott Thompson didn’t really go to college or didn’t get a degree in whatever he said he got one in – or whatever.

At Manka Bros., we could care less about that crap and I would like to offer Scott Thompson a job.

For the record, I, Khan Manka, Jr., didn’t go to college and yet, here I am, Chairman & CEO of the World’s Largest Media Company.

Granted, my father, the asshole Harry Manka, was head of the studio until he died and legally forced me into the job after his death when I would have much rather been concentrating on drugs, girls and my band (the under-appreciated ‘King Khan’).

That said, I’ve been doing it successfully for 36 years and I can barely fucking read.

So, Scott Thompson, it’s time for you to leave those tight-assed judgmental blue-bloods in Silicon Valley and come down to Hollywood where the literacy rate is much lower and we actually go out on dates.

Former heads of Yahoo! have been a great recruiting opportunity for us here at Manka Bros., having previously offered jobs to Carol Bartz and Jerry Yang (still waiting to hear).

The job offer to you is similar – you can pretty much pick any area you want to work (except in New Media or Tech – we have a much higher education standard in place for those jobs).

I would suggest either the Theatrical or Television groups – both are sucking up a storm lately and I’ve been looking to replace Robin Rafe and Jay McBee for the past year (off the record).

The only jobs that are not available are mine and Lloyd Grohl.

Everything else is in play.

Let me know as soon as you are fired – we’d like to get you going here in the next couple of weeks. There is a lot of shit to fix.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

March 12, 2012March 7, 2018

The Death Of A Mogul

Accel Partners, Alan Eustace, Allen & Company retreat, Allen Blue, Ann Mather, Anne Mulcahy, Ari Emanuel, Arvind Rajan, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Bobby Kotick, Bret Taylor, Carol Bartz, CES 2011, Chamath Palihapitiya, Charlie Rose, Chris Hughes, Christopher Cox, Cory Booker, Dan Rose, David Drummond, David Ebersman, David Fischer, David Henke, David Kirkpatrick, David Sze, Deep Nishar, DumbDumb, Dustin Moskovitz, Eduardo Saverin, Electus, Ellen Levy, Elliot Schrage, Emilie Choi, Eric Schmidt, Erika Rottenberg, Erin Burnett, Gerald Levin, Gina Bianchini, Greylock Partners, Harvey Weinstein, HBO, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jean-Bernard Levy, Jean-Luc Vaillant, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Jill Kennedy, Jim Breyer, Joanna Shields, John Doerr, John Donahue, John Hennessy, Jon Miller, Jonathan Heiliger, Jonathan Rosenberg, Justin Aselage, Katrina Hau, Ken Auletta, Kevin Eyres, Khan Manka, Lachlan Murdoch, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Li Ka-shing, Lionel Barber, Lloyd Grohl, Lori Goler, Manka Bros., Marc Andreessen, Marissa Mayer, Mark Cuban, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Martin Sorrell, Mathias Dopfner, Matt Cohler, Mike Bloomberg, Mike Gamson, Mike Murphy, Mike Schroepfer, MySpace, Niall FitzGerald, Nicolas Carlson, Nikesh Arora, OnMedea, Owen Van Natta, Patrick Crane, Patrick Pichette, Paul Buchheit, Paul Madera, Paul Otellini, Peter Chernin, Peter Thiel, Phillippe Dauman, Ram Shriram, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Wiesenthal, Robby Kwok, Robert L. Johnson, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Shirley Tilghman, Shona Brown, Steve Cadigan, Steve Jobs, Steve Patrizi, Steve Sordello, Sumner Redstone, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Ted Ullyot, Terry Semel, Tom Freston, Tom Friedman, Tony DiSanto, Toy Story 3, Ursula Burns, Vivi Nevo, Warren Buffett, Warren Lieberfarb, World's Largest Media Company

Good morning.

On March 7, 1958, my Uncle Simeon died.

The next day, his body was flown back his birthplace (Yambol, Bulgaria) for burial.

My asshole father, Harry, did not attend nor did he talk to Simeon during the last five years of his life.

Uncle Simeon’s story is a tragic Hollywood tale of weakness and insanity.

He died on March 7, 1958 on Hollywood Boulevard wearing only a sandwich board advertisement for “Benny’s World Of Beef.”

I have never heard of Benny’s World Of Beef so obviously he didn’t do a very good job promoting it. Perhaps he wasn’t promoting it at all and simply wore the sign because he had no other clothes.

From what I understand from my father, Simeon went insane around the turn of the 20th century. He would have been 18 at the time. That means he was insane for 58 years.

All I remember is that he used to bang into stuff all the time.

He dubbed Manka Bros.’ films into Bulgarian doing all of the voices himself (it was very small market for us).

He urinated on everything at the studio – marking his territory I suppose.

He would urinate on movie sets, on movie stars, the food in the cafeteria… everything.

He must have constantly been hydrating.

But I digress… this is not a day to piss (excuse the pun) on his grave. This is a day to remember one of the founding brothers of this great company – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company.

He was the only Manka brother to be buried in their homeland of Bulgaria.

My other uncle (the great Khan Manka) wanted to be buried next to Napoleon (he wasn’t… Forrest Lawn actually); and my father Harry was buried under his old office (currently my office) here on the Manka Bros. Studio lot (Main Administration Bldg. 2).

So Manka Bros. employees, take a moment to remember your company’s history and then get back to fucking work – we’re having a terrible year!

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

January 17, 2012January 17, 2012

Jerry Yang: Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer You A Job

Good afternoon.

I was just made aware by one of my assistants that Jerry Yang (founder and Chief Yahoo! of Yahoo! – whatever the fuck that means) is leaving the company.

I guess the Board of Directors and the Shareholders finally got their way and successfully shoved him out.

As someone who is constantly being told to leave my own company due to poor performance, I can empathize with Jerry.

My only question is, why didn’t they shove him out after he stupidly refused Microsoft’s $32/share offer to buy Yahoo!?

But no matter – I’m not here to shit on his grave and piss on his legacy. I’m here to offer him a job.

Manka Bros. is the world’s largest media company and can offer a decent salary, dental, medical, life and dismemberment insurance package (God forbid you get dismembered sitting at a desk) that rivals all the other studios in Hollywood (except maybe Disney – you get free Disneyland admission when you work there – that’s a $10,000 value… per trip).

So – Jerry – I know you’re reeling right now and probably worried about where your next paycheck is coming from. But worry no more – your next paycheck is coming from Manka Bros.

You can basically pick which area you would like to work in (except in our online group – your track record is pretty spotty there).

I would be happy to replace any of the suck ass senior executives that are currently running the various divisions. They’re all terrible at their jobs (off the record – no, fuck it – ON the record).

Give me a call at my office at your earliest convenience so we can discuss a start date.

FYI, I will be leaving for the Davos World Economic Forum in a couple of days where I will be giving yet another keynote address – so get back to me before then.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO (& Chief Yahoo!) – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

September 8, 2011September 8, 2011

Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer Carol Bartz A Job

Good afternoon.

I am back from my house in the Seychelles and ready to go. I trust everyone had a good July and August (with the exception of my great friend Rupert Murdoch) and I pray Manka Bros. can finish strong to help save this cesspool of a year.

(If anyone asks me about my summer or how things are going with Leann Womack, you will be fired.)

On my return to the office (by the way, would it have killed anyone to fucking dust my goddamned desk?), I noticed that the idiots on the Yahoo! Board of Directors (yes, I’m talking to you Vyomesh Joshi!) fired CEO Carol Bartz.

Are they out of their fucking minds?

Before Ms. Bartz came along, Yahoo! was nothing but a second-rate search engine with a decent news and finance area. And now look at them!

Fucking idiots.

I could tell things were bad at Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Retreat this year. She wasn’t pounding whiskey sours the way I know she can. She must have known something was coming.

Well, Ms. Bartz, if I may write at you directly, today is your lucky day.

Manka Bros. – the World’s Largest Media Company – would like to hire you. And you can pretty much pick which area of the studio you would like to run.

Since everyone seems to suck at their jobs lately, I would be more than happy to fire the person you would like to replace.

It would be really sweet to get rid of Jay McBee – but you may not have much of an interest in television.

We offer a competitive salary and benefits package (comparable to all of the other division heads at Manka Bros. – with the exception of COO Lloyd Grohl who, I think, even earns more than I do).

If you accept, be sure and bring that foul mouth with you.

I would love to see you go off on someone who might accidentally park in your parking spot. That would make my day!

So, think about it. Burbank is really nice this time of year.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – If things don’t work out and our Board of Directors has to fire you, I can assure you it will be in person and not via text or phone message. The Board gets off on seeing the face of the person being fired.

July 22, 2011July 5, 2022

Leaving For My House In The Seychelles

Allen & Company retreat, Anne Mulcahy, Anne Sweeney, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Bobby Kotick, Carol Bartz, Charlie Rose, Cory Booker, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Erin Burnett, Gina Bianchini, Harvey Weinstein, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jean-Bernard Levy, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, John Donahue, Ken Auletta, Khan Manka, Lachlan Murdoch, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lionel Barber, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marc Andreessen, Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Martin Sorrell, Mathias Dopfner, MIchelle Caruso-Cabrera, Mike Bloomberg, Niall FitzGerald, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Wiesenthal, Robert L. Johnson, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, Tom Freston, Tom Friedman, Ursula Burns, Vivi Nevo, Warren Buffett, World's Largest Media Company, Comic-Con, Leann Womack, Captain Stoppo, Lloyd Grohl

Good morning.

This afternoon, I will be leaving for my house in the Seychelles and probably won’t return until after Labor Day.

(Quick reminder: Labor Day is not a Holiday at Manka Bros. – this was my father’s thing for some reason and I will uphold the tradition.)

Manka Bros. is having a terrible year and, like my friend Rupert Murdoch, I put the blame squarely on you, the mid-to-lower level employees.

I’m not sure what else you people expect Senior Management to do. We’ve done all we can. It’s now up to you to pull us out of the shitter!

It’s very simple. Make movies that will be successful and TV shows that people want to watch. That’s it. We’re not asking you to create a new life-form.

I would also like someone to solve the digital transition issue by the time I get back.

Lloyd Grohl will have complete control over the studio while I am gone. If anyone needs to reach me – you can’t. I’ll be in touch with you (but probably not).

The plane will be picking up Leann Womack (I know, it’s back on – don’t ask) in Nashville. After that, my phone will be turned off for six weeks. I may blog, I may not.

Also, as some of you may know, Manka Bros. did not have a presence at Comic-Con this year. I gave a keynote address there last year and realized it’s just a little too ridiculous for someone of my stature.

Along those lines, I have decided NOT to move forward with a Captain Stoppo movie. It appears that comic book movies are dead. FYI, this may affect headcount at MC Comics.

I’ll see you in September. Pray that I have good weather and the sand isn’t too hard on my feet.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 18, 2011July 18, 2011

In Defense of Rupert Murdoch

Rupert Murdoch doesn’t have a lot of friends these days.

It seems the only defenders he has are the people he pays to write puff pieces in the newspapers he owns.

As a fellow media mogul, I feel I must defend my good friend Rupert.

It is not easy to build an empire. And it’s certainly not easy to hold one together – just ask Caesar or one of those other Roman guys.

Crushing the opposition can be tiresome. It’s much easier to be passive.

Rupert’s empire is unraveling – an empire that started with him taking over a failed junior high school newspaper in some God forsaken bush town in the Australian Outback (or something) and building it into one of the largest media companies in the world (though Manka Bros. remains #1).

How did he do it? He worked hard, he was fearless, and, yes, he hacked into voice mails. [Manka Bros. legal disclaimer: This last statement should read ‘allegedly’ – we don’t know if he was ‘fearless’.]

I last spoke to Rupert a couple of weeks ago at Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference. We participated in the ‘Mogulympics’ together. He was quite impressive in the long jump – though he kept hitting the foul line which kept him out of the medals.

This, I suppose, could be a metaphor for the way he conducts business. Or, he’s just 80 years old and doesn’t really know what the fuck he is doing anymore.

I was lucky. I inherited my media empire from my father and my uncles. I didn’t have to build it from scratch like Rupert or Sumner or my uncles (who sold a donkey to buy a movie camera).

In fact, I haven’t really had to do shit for the past 30 years (though there have been lots of lunches and galas which can get exhausting). The bullying, intimidation, spying and threats on other people’s lives was done by those before me. Because of my large security staff, people know not to fuck with Manka Bros.… so they don’t.

Now I must speak directly to Rupert for a moment:

If you choose to roll over, Rupert, it will be an insult to all of us moguls.

Even if you are guilty and did, in fact, ruin people’s lives, etc. you must continue to deny it and blame others. That’s the mogul way. Honesty is for losers.

And if, God forbid, you find yourself becoming remorseful over what you’ve done (ugh) and have an uncontrollable urge to “do the right thing”, remember the Mogul Credo: “I am a mogul, I am better than all others.” (Copyright 2003 – Bob Iger)

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Rupert Murdoch is my friend (though he did try to run me out of business in the 1990s and still owes me $100 from a Super Bowl pool he didn’t win… but I digress).

Rupert runs a charity (M.I.L.K) to find lost kittens.

Rupert is an active participant in my monthly book club for moguls.

The embroidered pillow cases Rupert personally made for my daughter’s Bat Mitzvah were incredibly beautiful.

It just kills me that he is going through all this ‘hacking’ unpleasantness.

Don’t people realize that every time you log onto Facebook, or buy a movie ticket, milk, gas, etc., those companies get all of your personal information going back to the sonogram when you were in the womb?

Anyone who reads this blog might as well hand over the deed to their house. We know the movies you went to this weekend, the TV shows you watched… the food you ate. Hey Jenny B. in Tuscon, how did you enjoy “Harry Potter”? And did you like Papa John’s new stuffed crust pizza? We noticed you had three pieces – it must have been good!

So, people of the world, don’t get all schadenfreude-ish with Rupert and hope that his empire comes crashing down. All moguls do what he’s doing and will continue to long after he’s gone (either death or jail).

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company