Jerome Calimeri – Chairman's Blog

January 15, 2015June 3, 2015

Again, F The Academy Awards

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Producers Guild of America, 2011 nominations, Steven Spielberg, Mark Gordon, Hawk Koch, Gary Lucchesi, Hayma "Screech" Washington, Shuler Donner, Gale Anne Hurd, John Hadity, Marshall Herskovitz, Jeffrey Lerner, Chris Thomes, Amy Jacobson Kurokawa, Darla K. Anderson, Fred Baron, Jerome Calimeri, Bruce Cohen, Kathleen Courtney, Maureen Dooling, Tracey Edmonds, Shoshanna R. Ezra, James Fino, Tim Gibbons, Richard Gladstein, Gary Goetzman, Brian Grazer, Sarah Green, Vanessa Hayes, Rachel Klein, Christina Lee Storm, Megan Mascena-Gaspar, Chris Pfaff, David Picker, Lydia Dean Pilcher, Judy Race, Alison Savitch, Paula Wagner, Stephen C. Grossman, George A. Sunga, Dana Kuznetzkoff, Mark Marabella, David Fox, Jeff Gomez, John Hoffman, Nelle Nugent, Amy Robinson, Peter Saraf, Roger Birnbaum, Ian Bryce, Donald DeLine, David Friendly, Ali LeRoi, Lori McCreary, Erin O'Malley, David Picker, Lydia Dean Pilcher, Cathy Schulman, Josh Schwartz, Karen Spiegel, Mike Tollin, Paula Weinstein, James Fino, Kendall Allen, Michael Bellavia, Dina Benadon, Laurent Bouzereau, Mariana Danilovic, Jeanette DePatie, Shawn Gold, John Heinsen, Derek Hildebrandt, Charlotte Huggins, Sophia Kim, Cindy Pound, Marc Scarpa, Deborah Todd, Chris Williams, Felicia Wong, Susan Zwerman, Jeff Lerner, Kimberly Austin, Christina Lee Storm, Suzette Brown, Jerome Calimeri, Carrie Certa, David Hartle, Susan Sherayko, Rebecca Graham Forde, Terra Abroms, Derek Bartholomaus, Wendy Wallace, Maureen Dooling, Jen Haire, RJ Hume, John Peterman, Mitchell Ferm, Allen Maris, Vance Van Petten, Chris Green, Nikki Livolsi, Kyle Katz, Jo-Ann West, Bryce Averitt, Diane Salerno, Erik Bogh, Will Bryan, Scott Bengston, Mitzie Rothzeid, Patrick Gerety, Ben Silverman, Colin Firth, Harrison Ford, Jake Gyllenhaal, Laura Linney, James McAvoy, Mo'Nique, Julianne Moore, Christoph Waltz, Colleen Atwood, Milena Canonero, Betsy Heimann, Judianna Mokovsky, Ha Nguyen, Ken Adam, Rick Carter, Lilly Kilvert, Rusty Smith, George DeTitta, K.C. Fox, nancy Haigh, Leslie Pope, Sandy Reynolds Wasco, Russ Alsobrook, Robbie Greenberg, Julio Macat, Hiro Narita, Amelia Vincent, Wes Anderson, Roger Corman, Lasse Hallstrom, Mike Leigh, Errol Morris, Lone Scherfig, Joe Berlinger, Liz Garbus, Alex Gibney, Mark Lewis, Julia Reichert, Michael Barker, Peter Chernin, Camela Galano, Brad Grey, Lisa Henson, Bill Mechanic, Robert Shaye, Patrick Wachsberger, David Brenner, Lisa Zeno Churgin, Lynzee Klingman, Michael Tronick, Billy Weber, Lois Burwell, David Marti, Montse Ribe, Ve Neill, Aldo Signoretti, Kazuhiro Tsuji, Bryan Adams, Eric Clapton, The Edge, Michael Giacchino, Suzana Peric, Dean Pitchford, Arthur Cohn, Eric Fellner, Samuel Goldwyn, Charles Roven, Jennifer Todd, Suzanne Todd, Duncan Clark, Therese Curtin, Rob Friedman, Nancy Utley, Jochen Alexander Freydank, Martin McDonagh, Dean Parisot, Signe Baumane, Sharon Calahan, Pete Docter, Chris Landreth, Bill Plympton, Wendy Tilby, Chris Wedge, Karen Baker Landers, Willie Burton, Benjamin Burtt, Anthony Ciccolini, Mary Jo Lang, Virginia Cook-McGown, Dean Zupancic, Eric Brevig, John Frazier, Michele Moen, Mark Stetson, Hoyt Yeatman, Hossein Amini, Judd Apatow, Guillermo Arriaga, Diablo Cody, Geoffrey Fletcher, Christopher Hampton, Robin Swicord, Grover Crisp, Ray Dolby, Sarah Halley Finn, Ron Stein, Beverly Joanna Wood, Peter Dinklage, Jennifer Hudson, Wes Studi, Michelle Williams, Pedro Almodovar, Lisa Cholodenko, Christopher Nolan, John Singleton, Kathleen Bennett, Bono, T Bone Burnett, Pablo Helman, Van Ling, Helena Packer, Lynzee Klingman, Demian Bichir, George Clooney, Jean Dujardin, Gary Oldman, Brad Pitt, Kenneth Branagh, Jonah Hill, Nick Nolte, Christopher Plummer, Max Von Sydow, Glenn Close, Viola Davis, Rooney Mara, Meryl Streep, Michelle Williams, Berenice Bejo, Jessica Chastain, Melissa McCarthy, Janet McTeer, Octavia Spencer, Alain Gognol, Jean-Loup Felicioli, Fernando Trueba, Javier Mariscal, Jennifer Yuh Nelson, Chris Miller, Gore Verbinski, Robert Gould, Stuart Craig, Stephenie McMillan, Dante Ferretti, Francesca Lo Schiavo, Anne Seibel, Helene Dubreuil, Rick Carter, Lee Sandales, Guillaume Schiffman, Jeff Cronenweth, Robert Richardson, Emmanuel Lubezki, Janusz Kaminski, Lisy Christl, Mark Bridges, Sandy Powell, Michael O'Connor, Arianne Phillips, Michel Hazanavicius, Alexander Payne, Martin Scorsese, Woody Allen, Terrence Malick, Danfung Dennis, Mike Lerner, Marhsal Curry, Sam Cullman, Joe Berlinger, Bruce Sinofsky, Wim Wenders, Gian-Piero Ringel, TJ Martin, Dan Lindsay, Richard Middlemas, Robin Fryday, Gail Dolgin, Rebecca Cammisa, Julie Anderson, James Spione, Daniel Junge, Sharmeen Obaid-Chinoy, Lucy Walker, Kira Carstensen, Anne-Sophie Bion, Kevin Tent, Kirk Baxter, Angus Wall, Thelma Schoonmaker, Christopher Tellefesn, Martial Corneville, Lynn Johnston, Matthew Mungle, Nick Dudman, Amanda Knight, Lisa Tomblin, Mark Coulier, J. Roy Helland, John Williams, Ludovic Bource, Howard Shore, Alberto Iglesias, Bret McKenzie, Sergio Mendes, Carlinhos Brown, Siedah Garrett, Thomas Langmann, Jim Burke, Jim Taylor, Scott Rudin, Brunson Green, Chris Columbus, Michael Barnathan, Graham King, Letty Aronson, Stephen Tenenbaum, Michael De Luca, Rachael Horovitz, Kathleen Kennedy, Patrick Doyon, William Joyce, Brandon Oldenburg, Enrico Casarosa, Grant Orchard, Sue Goffe, Amanda Forbis, Wendy Tilby, Peter McDonald, Eimear O'Kane, Max Zahle, Stefan Gieren, Terry George, Oorlagh George, Andrew Bowler, Gigi Causey, Hallvar Witzo, Lon Bender, Victor Ray Ennis, Ren Kylce, Philip Stockton, Eugene Gearty, Ethan Van der Ryn, Erik Aadahl, Richard Hymns, Gary Rydstrom, David Parker, Michael Semanick, Ren Klyce, Bo Persson, Tom Fleischman, John Midgley, Deb Adair, Ron Bochar, David Giammarco, Ed Novick, Greg Russell, Gary Summers, Jeffrey Haboush, Peter Devlin, Gary Rydstrom, Andy Nelson, Tom Johnson, Stuart Wilson, Tim Burke, David Vickery, Greg Butler, John Richardson, Rob Legato, Joss Williams, Ben Grossman, Alex Henning, Erik Nash, John Rosengrant, Dan Taylor, Swen Gillberg, Joe Letteri, Dan Lemmon, R. Christopher White, Daniel Barrett, Scott Farrar, Scott Benza, Matthew Butler, John Frazier, Nat Faxon, Jim Rash, John Logan, Grant Heslov, Beau Willimon, Steven Zaillian, Aaron Sorkin, Stan Chervin, Bridget O'Connor, Peter Straughan, Annie Mumolo, Kristin Wiig, J.C. Chandor, Asghar Farhadi

I can’t believe I got up at 5:30 this morning for nothing.

Bob Iger gets up at 5:30 every morning to hang upside-down from a bar like a bat.

I’m not a whack job like he is – I sleep until a normal hour.

But I got up like an idiot expecting to hear that Manka Bros. had received several Academy Award nominations.

But no – not a one.

Not even some bullshit nomination like visual effects or something.

I have to keep reminding myself that I don’t care about this shit.

Little awards given by little people – everyone’s so fucking happy.

The Golden Globes are one thing – seriously who cares about that bunch chain smoking, disco-holics?

But the Academy Awards is where our business is supposed to celebrate the best of the best.

HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU CELEBRATE THE BEST OF THE BEST WITHOUT MANKA BROS.!!?

We didn’t freakin’ make “Flaccid Trip” for its big box office potential.

We’re making 157 comic book movies over the next 35 years to make money – you idiots!

We made “Flaccid Trip” to win Academy Awards.

Capisce?

It’s called a “prestige picture.”

Take a look:

See what I mean?

I’m calling this the biggest snub at Academy Awards since the Manka Bros. film “Two-Legged Race” wasn’t nominated in 1950.

This has been a rough week for us.

It seems we are getting MAJOR push-back from various governments and other studios at our proposal to build a Manka Fun Park in Yemen due to the whole terrorist thing going on there.

Um – you know, for the record “Je Suis Charlie” – okay? I’m not at all sympathetic to those murderers – okay?

The good people of Yemen (I’m sure there are some) are desperate for roller coasters and funny characters dressed up in costumes. Not everyone in that country is a terrorist.

I think this video lays out our plans pretty well.

See – completely non-offensive and something like this could really change the attitude of the terrorists over there.

At Manka Bros., we’re freakin’ trying to change the world for the better.

Get the fuck out of our way!

Finally, it seems the real life ex-Yankee baseball great Bucky Dent is trying to stop us from going forward with a hilarious new sitcom called “My Wife Left Me For Bucky Dent” – just look at how fantastic this table read is.

He could make millions (if we gave him a piece of the show which I’m fully convinced we DON’T have to do and don’t plan to do):

So, in light these horrible things (plus many others that I won’t mention) that seem to be happening to us every day – I urge the Academy to reconsider and nominate “Flaccid Trip” for Best Picture and all other major awards.

If you don’t, I will start my own competing Award Show to air opposite your little pageant which will effectively bring you down.

Choose wisely, my (ex) friends.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

January 16, 2014January 16, 2014

F The Academy Awards

Another year – another snub.

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences can F itself.

The same goes for the Hollywood Foreign Press Association…

And while I’m at it, The Producer’s Guild can suck it…

… and any other suck ass group of idiots who wouldn’t know a quality movie if it bit them in the balls.

Did you not even watch the screeners for “The Last Train To Crazy” or “The Forgotten 8”?

You obviously didn’t watch “American Hustle” or “Gravity.” If you had, you would have seen a couple of truly amateur efforts by complete amateurs.

David O. Russell hasn’t made a decent movie since “Spanking The Monkey”!

You even gave nominations to The Weinstein Company – that’s the biggest insult of all.

Harvey Weinstein is the Chris Christie of Hollywood.

Jesus.

Well, members of the Academy, I hope you enjoy all the cash, wine and spa vouchers I sent!

Hawk Koch – you are on my list.

You were officially the worst Academy President ever!

Ms. Boone had better clean up that organization or it will have one less member next year!

Goddamnit!

That is all.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Compan

January 10, 2013January 10, 2013

Again, The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences Can F Itself

What I said last year can be repeated this year.

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences can F itself.

The same goes for the Hollywood Foreign Press Association…

And while I’m at it, The Producer’s Guild can suck it…

… and any other suck ass group of idiots who wouldn’t know a quality movie if it bit them in the balls.

Did you not even watch the screeners for “The Moonbeamers”?

I know for sure you all kept the cash and spa treatment coupons I sent!

Hawk Koch – you are on my list.

Bad move, pal.

You are officially the worst Academy President ever!

Go ahead and peruse our Manka Bros. Films 2013 Film Slate and our Manka Highbrow 2013 Film Slate so you can decide which movies you won’t vote for next year.

Goddamnit!

That is all.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

January 24, 2012January 24, 2012

The Academy Of Motion Picture Arts And Sciences Can F Itself

Good evening from Davos!

I am here preparing for my keynote address tomorrow to the World Economic Forum (I also spoke here two years ago).

The subject of my speech will be the importance of media in the global economy and how Hollywood will defeat Silicon Valley after their recent challenge to bring us down.

Paul Graham of Y Combinator is an idiot who says Hollywood has peaked. Manka Bros.’ blogger Jill Kennedy at OnMedea got it right when she said “Y Combinator Is a Stupid Idea.”

Listen, geeks, just because you talk like the characters on “Big Bang Theory” doesn’t mean you can write their dialogue. There are people who are professional comedy writers and there are people who are computer engineers. Rarely do the two sides of the brain come together allowing you to do both well.

But I’ll get into that tomorrow.

Today, I am here to say The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences can go fuck itself.

Who in the fuck do you have to give a bottle of Slivovitz to in order to get a goddamned Oscar nomination! (Or if you’re in the Hollywood Foreign Press – who can also fuck off – who do you have to give a carton of Camel Turkish Gold cigarettes.)

JESUS CHRIST!

Now, I’m a little drunk (at my normal barstool in Davos at the Hotel Eden), and tomorrow I may deny ever writing this, but today, I am fucking pissed off!

Adding insult to injury is the fact that Steven Spielberg got a nomination for “War Horse” – are you fucking kidding me?

Spielberg hasn’t made anything decent since that Joan Crawford “Night Gallery” episode!

And “Tree Of Life”? What?! I guarantee not one of you freaks in the Academy understood at all what was happening in that movie. Sean Penn said he didn’t understand it – AND HE WAS IN IT!

Did the Academy not see “Freedom Swimmers” starring Michael Phelps? Did they not see “Last Train To Crazy”? Or “Bella Sangiovese”? 2011 was Manka Bros. at its finest!

Well, don’t worry about nominating us next year – I am done with you. You’re a bunch of freakin’ dinosaurs who decide nominations over martinis and cheese toast at The Smoke House.

FYI, here is the Manka Bros. Films 2012 Slate and our Manka Highbrow 2012 Slate. These are the films you won’t be allowed to nominate.

Your loss, losers.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

January 3, 2012January 3, 2012

The Producers Guild Can Suck It

And while I’m at it – the Hollywood Foreign Press can suck it, too!

So, this morning I returned to the studio from a month long vacation at my house in the Seychelles – feeling relaxed, very tan and ready to make 2012 the biggest and most profitable year in Manka Bros. history.

I even had a smile on my face.

One of my assistants (Vicky, I think??? – the one with the thing on her face), even told me that I looked happy for the first time ever. And then she told me that the Producer’s Guild nominations were out – and a copy was on my desk.

Fantastic. I couldn’t wait to see how many films from the 2011 Manka Bros. Films slate and/or Manka Highbrow slate made the list.

I sat down at my desk. A very nice bowl of high-fiber fruit was waiting for me (because I ate way too much extra sharp cheddar cheese over the holidays). I made a quick check of the list.

Hmmm… no Manka Bros. titles.

I looked a little closer. Nope.

That’s really odd. I sent cases of Opus One to that fucking place.

(And I sent cartons of Camel Turkish Blend cigarettes to the Hollywood Foreign Press which didn’t result in any nominations either.)

There must be some mistake.

Perhaps we were so loaded down with Television nominations the Producers Guild felt it would have been too much to give us a Theatrical nomination.

Certainly there would be a few shows from the Manka Bros. Television slate on that list. Everyone has told me that Forensics: The New Voices is a virtual lock for a best drama nomination.

Hmmmm…. no TV nominations either.

I mean, what in the fucking goddamned shit is going on?!!

Adding insult to injury is the fact that Steven Spielberg got TWO NOMINATIONS! TWO! For “War Horse” and “Tintin” – are you fucking kidding me?

Spielberg hasn’t made anything decent since that Joan Crawford “Night Gallery” episode!

Did the Producers Guild not see “Freedom Swimmers” starring Michael Phelps? Did they not see “Last Train To Crazy”? Or “Bella Sangiovese”?

Well, Producers Guild, don’t worry about nominating us next year – I am done with you. You’re a bunch of freakin’ dinosaurs who decide nominations over martinis and cheese toast at The Smoke House.

FYI, here is the Manka Bros. Films 2012 Slate and our Manka Highbrow 2012 Slate. These are the films you won’t be allowed to nominate.

Your loss, losers.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – Please return my very expensive wine. There are many others more deserving of my bribes.