Steve Jobs – Page 4 – Chairman's Blog

September 8, 2011September 8, 2011

Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer Carol Bartz A Job

Allen & Company retreat, Anne Mulcahy, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Bobby Kotick, Carol Bartz, Charlie Rose, Cory Booker, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Erin Burnett, Gina Bianchini, Harvey Weinstein, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jean-Bernard Levy, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, John Donahue, Ken Auletta, Khan Manka, Lachlan Murdoch, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lionel Barber, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marc Andreessen, Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Martin Sorrell, Mathias Dopfner, Mike Bloomberg, Niall FitzGerald, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Wiesenthal, Robert L. Johnson, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, Tom Freston, Tom Friedman, Ursula Burns, Vivi Nevo, Warren Buffett, World's Largest Media Company, Rupert Murdoch, Jose Maria Aznar, natalie Bancroft, Peter Barnes, Chase Carey, Kenneth Cowley, David DeVoe, Viet Dinh, Rod Eddington, Joel Klein, Andrew S.B. Knight, James Murdoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Thomas Perkins, Arthur Siskind, John Thornton, Stanley Shuman, Rebekah Brooks, Les Hinton, Teri Everett, jack Horner, Julie Henderson, Reed Nolte, Roger Ailes, Janet Nova, John Nallen, Beryl Cook, Michael Regan, Genie Gavenchak, Brian Lewis, Irena Briganti, Dan Berger, Rosabel Tao, Steven Rubenstein, Suzanne Halpin, Elisabeth Murdoch, Carol Bartz, Roy Bostock, Patti Hart, Sue James, Vyomesh Joshi, David Kenny, Arthur Kern, Brad Smith, Gary Wilson, Jerry Yang, Blake Irving, Ross Levinsohn, Rose Tsou, Rich Riley, Tim Morse, Michael J. Callahan, David Dibble, David Filo, Dr. Prabhakar Roghavan, Jeff Russakow, Elisa Steele, David Windley

Good afternoon.

I am back from my house in the Seychelles and ready to go. I trust everyone had a good July and August (with the exception of my great friend Rupert Murdoch) and I pray Manka Bros. can finish strong to help save this cesspool of a year.

(If anyone asks me about my summer or how things are going with Leann Womack, you will be fired.)

On my return to the office (by the way, would it have killed anyone to fucking dust my goddamned desk?), I noticed that the idiots on the Yahoo! Board of Directors (yes, I’m talking to you Vyomesh Joshi!) fired CEO Carol Bartz.

Are they out of their fucking minds?

Before Ms. Bartz came along, Yahoo! was nothing but a second-rate search engine with a decent news and finance area. And now look at them!

Fucking idiots.

I could tell things were bad at Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Retreat this year. She wasn’t pounding whiskey sours the way I know she can. She must have known something was coming.

Well, Ms. Bartz, if I may write at you directly, today is your lucky day.

Manka Bros. – the World’s Largest Media Company – would like to hire you. And you can pretty much pick which area of the studio you would like to run.

Since everyone seems to suck at their jobs lately, I would be more than happy to fire the person you would like to replace.

It would be really sweet to get rid of Jay McBee – but you may not have much of an interest in television.

We offer a competitive salary and benefits package (comparable to all of the other division heads at Manka Bros. – with the exception of COO Lloyd Grohl who, I think, even earns more than I do).

If you accept, be sure and bring that foul mouth with you.

I would love to see you go off on someone who might accidentally park in your parking spot. That would make my day!

So, think about it. Burbank is really nice this time of year.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – If things don’t work out and our Board of Directors has to fire you, I can assure you it will be in person and not via text or phone message. The Board gets off on seeing the face of the person being fired.

July 22, 2011July 5, 2022

Leaving For My House In The Seychelles

Allen & Company retreat, Anne Mulcahy, Anne Sweeney, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Bobby Kotick, Carol Bartz, Charlie Rose, Cory Booker, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Erin Burnett, Gina Bianchini, Harvey Weinstein, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jean-Bernard Levy, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, John Donahue, Ken Auletta, Khan Manka, Lachlan Murdoch, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lionel Barber, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marc Andreessen, Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Martin Sorrell, Mathias Dopfner, MIchelle Caruso-Cabrera, Mike Bloomberg, Niall FitzGerald, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Wiesenthal, Robert L. Johnson, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, Tom Freston, Tom Friedman, Ursula Burns, Vivi Nevo, Warren Buffett, World's Largest Media Company, Comic-Con, Leann Womack, Captain Stoppo, Lloyd Grohl

Good morning.

This afternoon, I will be leaving for my house in the Seychelles and probably won’t return until after Labor Day.

(Quick reminder: Labor Day is not a Holiday at Manka Bros. – this was my father’s thing for some reason and I will uphold the tradition.)

Manka Bros. is having a terrible year and, like my friend Rupert Murdoch, I put the blame squarely on you, the mid-to-lower level employees.

I’m not sure what else you people expect Senior Management to do. We’ve done all we can. It’s now up to you to pull us out of the shitter!

It’s very simple. Make movies that will be successful and TV shows that people want to watch. That’s it. We’re not asking you to create a new life-form.

I would also like someone to solve the digital transition issue by the time I get back.

Lloyd Grohl will have complete control over the studio while I am gone. If anyone needs to reach me – you can’t. I’ll be in touch with you (but probably not).

The plane will be picking up Leann Womack (I know, it’s back on – don’t ask) in Nashville. After that, my phone will be turned off for six weeks. I may blog, I may not.

Also, as some of you may know, Manka Bros. did not have a presence at Comic-Con this year. I gave a keynote address there last year and realized it’s just a little too ridiculous for someone of my stature.

Along those lines, I have decided NOT to move forward with a Captain Stoppo movie. It appears that comic book movies are dead. FYI, this may affect headcount at MC Comics.

I’ll see you in September. Pray that I have good weather and the sand isn’t too hard on my feet.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 18, 2011July 18, 2011

In Defense of Rupert Murdoch

Rupert Murdoch doesn’t have a lot of friends these days.

It seems the only defenders he has are the people he pays to write puff pieces in the newspapers he owns.

As a fellow media mogul, I feel I must defend my good friend Rupert.

It is not easy to build an empire. And it’s certainly not easy to hold one together – just ask Caesar or one of those other Roman guys.

Crushing the opposition can be tiresome. It’s much easier to be passive.

Rupert’s empire is unraveling – an empire that started with him taking over a failed junior high school newspaper in some God forsaken bush town in the Australian Outback (or something) and building it into one of the largest media companies in the world (though Manka Bros. remains #1).

How did he do it? He worked hard, he was fearless, and, yes, he hacked into voice mails. [Manka Bros. legal disclaimer: This last statement should read ‘allegedly’ – we don’t know if he was ‘fearless’.]

I last spoke to Rupert a couple of weeks ago at Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference. We participated in the ‘Mogulympics’ together. He was quite impressive in the long jump – though he kept hitting the foul line which kept him out of the medals.

This, I suppose, could be a metaphor for the way he conducts business. Or, he’s just 80 years old and doesn’t really know what the fuck he is doing anymore.

I was lucky. I inherited my media empire from my father and my uncles. I didn’t have to build it from scratch like Rupert or Sumner or my uncles (who sold a donkey to buy a movie camera).

In fact, I haven’t really had to do shit for the past 30 years (though there have been lots of lunches and galas which can get exhausting). The bullying, intimidation, spying and threats on other people’s lives was done by those before me. Because of my large security staff, people know not to fuck with Manka Bros.… so they don’t.

Now I must speak directly to Rupert for a moment:

If you choose to roll over, Rupert, it will be an insult to all of us moguls.

Even if you are guilty and did, in fact, ruin people’s lives, etc. you must continue to deny it and blame others. That’s the mogul way. Honesty is for losers.

And if, God forbid, you find yourself becoming remorseful over what you’ve done (ugh) and have an uncontrollable urge to “do the right thing”, remember the Mogul Credo: “I am a mogul, I am better than all others.” (Copyright 2003 – Bob Iger)

——————————————

Rupert Murdoch is my friend (though he did try to run me out of business in the 1990s and still owes me $100 from a Super Bowl pool he didn’t win… but I digress).

Rupert runs a charity (M.I.L.K) to find lost kittens.

Rupert is an active participant in my monthly book club for moguls.

The embroidered pillow cases Rupert personally made for my daughter’s Bat Mitzvah were incredibly beautiful.

It just kills me that he is going through all this ‘hacking’ unpleasantness.

Don’t people realize that every time you log onto Facebook, or buy a movie ticket, milk, gas, etc., those companies get all of your personal information going back to the sonogram when you were in the womb?

Anyone who reads this blog might as well hand over the deed to their house. We know the movies you went to this weekend, the TV shows you watched… the food you ate. Hey Jenny B. in Tuscon, how did you enjoy “Harry Potter”? And did you like Papa John’s new stuffed crust pizza? We noticed you had three pieces – it must have been good!

So, people of the world, don’t get all schadenfreude-ish with Rupert and hope that his empire comes crashing down. All moguls do what he’s doing and will continue to long after he’s gone (either death or jail).

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 7, 2011July 7, 2011

Khan Manka, Jr. Speech – Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference 2011 – Day 3

Allen & Company retreat, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Carol Bartz, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Gina Bianchini, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Khan Manka, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, World's Largest Media Company, Chase Carey, James Murdoch, Elisabeth Murdoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Jim Gianopulos, Joel Klein, Jon Miller, Steve Burke, Michael Angelakis, Leslie Moonves, Philippe Dauman, Jeff Bewkes, John Martin, Howard Stringer, Rob Wiesenthal, Michael Lynton, John Malone, Greg Maffei, Haim Saban, David Zaslav, John Hendricks, Mike White, Edgar Bronfman, Len Blavatnik, Tim Armstrong, Peter Chernin, Tom Freston, Carol Bartz, Jerry Yang, Mark Pincus, Owen Van Natta, Brian Roberts, Jason Kilar, Wayne Willich, Reid Hoffman, Harvey Weinstein, Diane Von Furstenberg, Andrew Mason, Jason Kilar, Ben Horowitz, Gina Bianchini, Mark Pincus, Ali Pincus, Robert Wiesenthal, Tom Freston, Bing Gordon, Bill Gates, Chris Christie, Martin Sorrell, Eric Lefkofsky, Oprah Winfrey

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2011

Day 1 — Day 2 — Day 2.5 – Day 3

[The following is a transcript of the speech Khan Manka, Jr. gave at Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference today. It has been transcribed from an audio recording made by Mr. Manka. Herb Allen is heard first introducing Mr. Manka – followed by applause and a few audible ‘boos’. This transcription has not been edited or reviewed by Mr. Manka.]

Herb Allen: OK – OK. Can I have the mic up, please? It is? Can I have it louder, please? There we go. There we go. Can I get your attention please, everyone? Terry Semel? Come on, I’m trying to… OK… thank you. Thanks to all of you for moving over here to the Opera House on such short notice. I can’t believe our room was double-booked. I just hope the Morgan Family Reunion finishes earlier than planned so we can move back.

[… incoherent rumblings and chatter – finally it gets quiet…]

Herb Allen: I’ve got a real treat here this afternoon. Over the past couple of years, he’s been quite the Sun Valley Squire – thanks for all the revealing blogs you put out there, Khan. Privacy obviously isn’t one of your concerns! But thanks for the tip on the “Saban” spray tan – I”ll try to get one of those before I leave here.

[Laughs throughout the room.]

Herb Allen: You don’t need me to tell you about Khan Manka, Jr. You hear all you would ever want to hear about it him every night at the bar – except that Singapore midget thing – thanks not right – just horrible, Khan. But anyway, here he is… one of the great moguls right here in our midst – Khan Manka, Jr.

[Applause – some ‘boos’.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Thanks, Donner. That’s a ‘Mogulympics’ reference from yesterday’s blog. ‘Blog’ makes me sound like I’m a hip new media guy–

Mark Zuckerberg’s voice: No, it doesn’t. Maybe in 1996!

[Laughs…]

Khan Manka, Jr.: What? Is that Zuckerberg? You just got here and it’s already with the cheap shots, huh? You’re just worried about Manka’s new Facebook killer we have coming out – Caligula.

Mark Zuckerberg: No… I’m not… at all. I’ve seen it. It sucks. Non-awesome.

[Big laugh from the room.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: OK, OK – you know what? I’m just gonna punt on my prepared remarks because every time I do one of these speeches it ends in fucking chaos. People ‘booing’, fighting… it’s just crazy. If you want to read my speech to CES titled “The Future Is Last Year”, go to the website. I’m gonna wing it, Herb, just finish your wine. I have a few things to say. Look… all I do is speak the truth. And the truth is this: The Hollywood mogul is dead, killed by the geeks.

[Chuckles from a few… one loud “BULLSHIT!”]

Khan Manka, Jr.: No, I’m sorry, Bob – Bob Iger everybody – it’s true. I look around this room – half are not even looking at me, buried in their phones, the other half are looking me but are thinking an afternoon nap sounds really good. Us old media guys don’t stand a chance.

[Silence. A sniffle. A cough.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: This is not just a generational thing. This is a real problem. Technological innovations have been coming at us so fast and furious (right, Ron Meyer?) that the older moguls can’t keep up with the changes AND play golf at the same time. And most of us don’t even want to try. Seriously, I don’t need a goddamned phone every fucking month! And I certainly don’t want to keep digitizing my film library into a new format every couple of months for your stupid new phones!

[A few claps… someone is babbling something incoherently.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: The old moguls, and I suppose you can count me that group, just want to produce really great content, put it in a movie theater or on a television, get reports on the ratings or the box office – and it do all again next week. That’s it. We don’t want that to end. You ‘new media’ types have no respect for that culture. No respect for the work we’ve done. You think it’s easy what we do. ‘Comedy is easy – creating an App, that’s hard.’ I say ‘Go F yourselves.’

[A few claps… more ‘boos’, a few shouts and one “Fuck you, too.”]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Why the hell would Reid Hoffman be considered a mogul? He runs a little chat room for people trying to get work.

[… lots of ‘boos’, shouts and ‘fuck yous’…]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Come on, seriously? A mogul produces movies and TV shows, owns networks and has long lunches at really nice restaurants with other moguls. You new people eat at your desks or the company cafeteria. You don’t produce anything. You have data servers in the Mojave Desert. How the hell that does make you a mogul? How is the Groupon guy a mogul? Freakin’ coupons for laser hair removal? HE’S a mogul?

[… the room is in chaos with shouts, ‘boos’, audible punching sounds…]

Herb Allen is heard on another mic. Mr. Manka continues in the background.

Khan Manka, Jr.: WHO THE HELL THREW THAT?!!

Herb Allen: Hold it! Please do NOT throw your cellphones at Mr. Manka! Thank you.

[Total chaos.]

Herb Allen: Khan, listen… LISTEN!!! When I started this conference twenty some years ago, I never intended it to be a “mogul fest” – I was just trying to gather successful, interesting people who run successful, interesting companies. The entertainment people tend to get the most press and so it became known – by the press, which most of the people in this room own and run – as a ‘Mogul Fest’. It wasn’t my intention.

Khan Manka, Jr.: Well… as long as we’re clear that Mark Zuckerberg is not a mogul.

Mark Zuckerberg: Hey, we distribute your shitty movies on Facebook. Nobody buys them, but they are available.

Khan Manka, Jr.: Fine. Fair enough. You’re a mogul. Any questions? If you new media people want to get hammered tonight, I’m buying at the bar.

[Applause… shouts of approval… audio ends.]

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 7, 2011July 7, 2011

Sun Valley Shore – Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference 2011 – Day 2.5

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference 2011

Day 1 — Day 2 — Day 2.5 – Day 3

————————————–

It’s no secret that most moguls love to be tanned and almost all have new, whiter, straighter teeth put in over their old, yellow, crooked teeth.

Who wouldn’t want that, right?

It’s also no secret that the only reason moguls do all that is to look good to 25-year-old girls.

What we moguls don’t seem to understand is, we’re all incredibly wealthy and powerful and many 25-year-old girls (and boys) will find us attractive even if we didn’t have a spray tan or new teeth. (Duh!)

I would wager $1,000,000 that the combined age of all of the moguls teeth at this conference doesn’t even equal the age of one Sumner Redstone.

For the record, most moguls get the “Saban” tan – which is a really dark, unrealistic orange kind of hue.

I prefer the “Strauss Zelnick” which really brings out the whiteness of the teeth. The “Avi Nevo” isn’t bad either but the fragrance is way too strong.

But no matter how much we whiten our teeth and darken our skin and de-gray our hair, it’s still hard for most of us to get out of bed. And it’s really hard to run a 100-meter dash or jump over a high bar (suck-ass Mogulympics).

Just because my face is as tight and smooth as a teenager’s face doesn’t mean I have the energy of a teenager.

And why the fuck would I want the energy of a teenager? I’m a goddamned billionaire in Sun Valley living the dream.

It makes me feel good when I see a mogul (oh, let’s say, Barry Diller) who really could care less how he looks. He’s got power and doesn’t need all those tricks. He’ll take that giant T-shirt and shorts look to the grave! That’s why I admire Barry so much.

The new slobby tech moguls are less comforting to me – they’re just creepy and disturbing.

I was asked to present an updated version of the keynote speech I gave earlier this year to the CES convention in Las Vegas – so I don’t have time to get into too many details about last night’s very elaborate dinner (or the unbelievable concert by Tony Orlando & Dawn… not the old ‘Dawn’, a much younger and hotter ‘Dawn’).

Most of the conversation last night consisted of anything BUT the Rupert Murdoch hacking scandal.

I was at Rupert’s table and all he talked about was how many tomatoes he’s going to get from his garden this year.

Later this afternoon, before cocktails (or during – we’ll see), I will give my assistant a more detailed account of what is going on and she will have the online geeks write it up and add pictures, etc.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 6, 2011July 5, 2012

Mogulympics – Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – Day 2

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference

Day 1 — Day 2 – Day 2.5 – Day 3

——————————-

The sight of Harvey Weinstein in tight gym shorts is an image that I won’t soon forget.

But let me back up.

I am dictating this in a secret business center somewhere beneath the Sun Valley Lodge after experiencing one of the most horrific and demoralizing mornings of my life.

At 4:30 am, I was blasted awake by “The Call of the Moguls” fanfare (written by Michael Eisner years ago when he still had power). As I had only gone to bed a couple of hours before (because I was pounding drinks well into the wee hours with my new drinking buddy Chase Carey), this was a most unwelcome sound.

In the room next to me, I could hear Eric Schmidt screaming out the window “Shut the fuck up!”

An envelope slid under my door. I opened it and recognized Herb’s handwriting:

“Please report to Herb Allen Field immediately! Wear your gym clothes and sneakers. – Herb A.”

So I did as I was told and dragged myself down to a converted grassy area that has been rebranded “Herb Allen Field” for the length of the conference.

I immediately saw Jeffrey Katzenberg and LinkedIn’s Jeff Weiner hopping up and down, stretching. A few others were mingling about but I couldn’t make out their faces in the dark.

That’s when I saw Harvey Weinstein in his too small gym shorts and too small t-shirt smoking a cigarette. Don’t get me wrong, I like Harvey quite a bit, but man…

For the next few moments, I just sort of stood there in the pre-dawn staring at the ground. This was an epic hangover. What I needed was sleep and a large a quantity of bacon. In that order. Not this bullshit.

After another anthem – “The Dawn of the Mogul” – finished playing, a loud coaches whistle pierced all of our brains. There were various grunts and swears from the assembled moguls.

Herb Allen appeared, fresh and full of energy. He reminded me, with his baseball cap and coaches whistle, of Donner – the reindeer coach from “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer”… Sorry, that’s the most current reference I can think of. If you saw him, you would say the same thing.

Herb Allen: OK, gentlemen, you made it through the night–

Rupert Murdoch: Where are the women?

Herb Allen: I don’t know, Rupert, why don’t you hack into their emails to find out?

Rupert Murdoch: You shall be murdered, you son of a fucking–

Herb Allen: Calm down. I’m joking, Rupert. The women are having spa treatments. I gave them an option – because they aren’t flabby and undisciplined. You assholes don’t get an option.

Khan Manka, Jr.: Fuck that shit.

Herb Allen approached me like a crazy drill sergeant.

Herb Allen: What was that, Manka?

Khan Manka: I said, ‘Fuck that shit, Herb.’ I speak for my fellow moguls when I say we are all too hungover for this crap. I choose spa treatments, too!

At that moment, Sheryl Sandberg ran up and fell into the line of moguls.

Sheryl Sandberg: Sorry, I’m late. I had a 5:00 a.m. conference call with China. I’m ready.

Les Moonves: Oooh… We do business with China, too, Facebook lady. Big deal.

Tim Armstrong: (to Sheryl, pointing to his ear) – I’m on a call right now but I was on time.

Sheryl Sandberg: Hi, Tim, I wanted to ask you about Patch. How’s that going?

Tim Armstrong: Oh, no, you didn’t!

Herb Allen blows his whistle and screamed for everyone to calm down. He then explained why we were all there. He has started a ridiculous new annual tradition called “Mogulympics”…

Herb Allen: (he continued) … this competition is designed to encourage physical fitness among our most elite moguls. Because a flabby mogul is less likely to adapt to change. Flabby moguls tend to be more lazy and set in their ways. Flabby moguls are not the future leaders of media.

Harvey Weinstein: (smoking) – Suck it, Herb.

Herb Allen: How the hell did you wrangle an invite this year, Weinstein? You’re not even a mogul anymore.

Harvey Weinstein: “King’s Speech” – Academy Award. Scoreboard, bitch.

Things sort of degenerated from there. More fighting, more snippy little remarks about old media from the new media and tech people…

Finally, Herb got everyone onto the field and the first Mogulympics began.

I won’t do a blow-by-blow account of all the competitions as I am due to serve on a panel with Bob Iger and Steve Burke on how best to preserve our core businesses while growing new businesses.

(Here’s what I say: “MAKE GOOD CONTENT THAT PEOPLE WANT TO BUY!” – end of panel discussion. Let’s go drink.)

——————————————————————————

HERE ARE THE HIGHLIGHTS (there were only four events – more to be added each year):

High Jump: Winner – Jeffrey Katzenberg – final height – 4′ 3″. Jon Miller should have won but he kept trying to extend into the Chinese splits while going over the bar.

Long Jump: Winner – Jason Kilar – final distance – 8′ 2″ (but it’s possible his medal will be acquired by another mogul – ha!). This event was Rupert’s best chance to get a medal but he kept fouling. He seemed distracted.

400 Meters: Winner – Sheryl Sandberg (untimed). Bob Iger was in position to win it until someone in the pack made a crack to Sheryl about ‘the glass ceiling’ and she took off like a gazelle, crushing the field. I walked the final 350 meters with Harvey. He tried to convince me that he wasn’t overweight no matter how much he smokes, drinks and eats every day .

100 Meters: Winner – Sheryl Sandberg (untimed). You know, moguls just can’t run – and probably shouldn’t try. And by this point in the competition most of us had stopped participating and were on our phones. Sheryl beat Mark Pincus (though he forgot his tennis shoes and was only wearing flip-flops), Jeff Weiner and Andrew Mason of Groupon.

Sheryl Sandberg was named Herb Allen’s Top Mogul Athlete of the Conference and received a trophy similar to the picture above. For her victory she will receive an automatic invite to next year’s conference to defend her title.

When it was all over and we had thoroughly embarrassed ourselves in front of each other, I quickly retreated to the Great Hall of the Moguls dining room and ate a pound of bacon.

The women who chose the spa treatment option (Oprah, Diane Von Furstenberg, etc.) were lounging in bath robes, drinking coffee, having a leisurely breakfast. The sort of thing moguls should be doing.

That was my morning. I can’t wait to see what the rest of the day will bring.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 5, 2011July 8, 2011

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – Day 1

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference 2011

Day 1 — Day 2 – Day 2.5 – Day 3

DAY 1 – TUESDAY AFTERNOON UPDATE:

My plane landed safely at Friedman Airport. I was picked up on the tarmac by a self-driving Google car. This scared the shit out of me, especially when I sat in the back and was greeted with a video of Sergey Brin asking me “Where do you want to go today, Khan?” I told the Sergey screen to take me immediately to The Drankin’ Hole at the Sun Valley Lodge. The Google car performed pretty well in mid-day traffic (Idaho traffic) – though the small talk conversation with the Sergey video screen was a little forced.

I am now safely at The Drankin Hole and have ordered two dirty martinis from my favorite bartender in the world – Bin Tran. Philippe Dauman is at the other end of the bar talking to himself. I don’t want to interrupt.

———————————————————————————————

DAY 1 – TUESDAY MORNING

Good morning.

OK, so I decided (after a couple of long, late night conversations with Sumner Redstone) that I would attend Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference again this year.

After last year’s conference (an absolute drunken freak fest), I vowed never to attend again. On top of that, I’m still recovering from my horrifying keynote address to the Bilderberg Conference last month in Switzerland.

But then I received Herb’s child-like invitation a few weeks ago (see left) – and it was so charming, like a 3-year-old’s birthday party invitation – that I started to change my mind.

Believe me, a child-like mentality is what is necessary for a conference like this. It’s all bullshit, you know, and if you don’t come in with an absolute open mind, what’s the point of any of it, right?

Sumner will not be attending and that makes me a little sad but, deep down, that’s fine because I’m fairly young (in mogul years) and don’t want to be linked with that dinosaur forever. I mean, Rupert is bad enough – put Rupert and Sumner together and it’s time to break out the knitting shawls and crank up the heat.

The other night Sumner was talking about how great Cinemascope was and I just had to get off the phone. Dig up Carl Laemmle or my dad if you want to talk about that shit, old man. Leave me out of it. I’m into digital now, loser.

But I digress…

So, yes, I am heading up to Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference and will be posting updates as much as I possibly can – depending on my state of inebriation.

I feel it is my duty as Chairman & CEO of the World’s Largest Media Company to attend this very important conference (at least in Herb’s mind) for the sake of my stockholders and board of directors.

I’ve been told to bring comfortable clothes, really good workout shoes and as many Dramamine as I can fit in my bag. I’m not sure what that last order meant – but I’ll abide it all the same – Herb is God up there and you don’t want to fuck with God.

So, another Sun Valley fest is upon us. May Herb have mercy on us all.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

May 24, 2011June 11, 2015

Rupert Murdoch’s Special Charity

Rupert Murdoch hosted a charity benefit over the weekend in his North Hollywood apartment.

I was expecting a man of his wealth and power to have a nicer place in Los Angeles. He said keeping his living expenses down is the only reason he has stayed in business during the worst economy since the Dutch Tulip Bubble Burst in 1637.

We all agreed the Dutch Tulip Bubble Burst in 1637 was indeed a bleak time.

Rupert almost came to blows with Sumner Redstone after making a crack that Sumner had witnessed it first hand.

It’s fine to live in a crappy one bedroom apartment in the middle of one of the most crime-ridden, seedy neighborhoods in L.A. – but the cement block and plywood bookshelves were just too much to believe.

But we weren’t there for furniture, we were there for charity – and that was the important thing.

For many years, Rupert has been involved in the charity Moguls Find Lost Kittens (or M.I.L.K.). He started it after his son, Lachlan, lost his kitten, Joey, when he was 17 years old and wouldn’t stop crying, screaming and sucking his thumb.

Rupert vowed to find Joey and launched a charity in the process called Murdoch Finds Lost Kittens (also M.I.L.K.). (It was changed to “Moguls” after Jeffrey Immelt and Sumner Redstone heard about it and also wanted to get involved. Legend has it they both had traumatic childhoods that involved lost kittens.)

The party was okay. The food not bad. I didn’t realize it was BYOB so I had to bum a couple of beers from Sheryl Crow, who was the evening’s entertainment. There wasn’t room in the apartment for her band – so she just did a few songs on acoustic guitar.

After we all had some Doritos and cubes of cheddar cheese, Rupert stood in front of the crammed gathering in his living room. Most were sitting on the floor or the window sill. I got the couch because I had to put my foot up due to a flare up of my injured ankle.

Rupert waited for silence. Bob Iger was getting pretty drunk on the two bottles of 1997 Opus One that he brought [he didn’t share] and wouldn’t stop yakking about the Pirates of the Caribbean international box office. Okay, okay – it was good – shut the F up! You don’t hear me bragging about Manka Bros.’ successes.

When it was quiet, Sheryl Crow started to play softly on the guitar and Rupert held up a picture of a kitten: “This is Joey. In 1988, my son, Lachlan, lost this kitten and nearly committed suicide. I vowed on that day to find all the lost kittens of the world. It is a monumental task. A far bigger task than building a media empire. Everyone in this room knows how to do that. But we don’t know how to find all the lost kittens. Will you join me in this effort?”

Terry Semel and LinkedIn CEO Jeff Weiner were completely overcome with emotion and inconsolable.

In fact, we were all visibly moved. And we all got out our checkbooks.

Rupert Murdoch is a great friend. And a great man.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

May 19, 2011January 10, 2012

Social Networks Are Dead

Jeff Weiner, Nick Besbeas, Steve Cadigan, Mike Gamson, David Henke, Robby Kwok, Deep Nishar, Erika Rottenberg, Steve Sordello, Reid Hoffman, Allen Blue, Konstantin Guericke, Eric Ly, jean-Luc Vaillant, A George "Skip" Battle, Leslie Kilgore, Stanley Meresman, Michael J. Moritz, David Sze, Mark Zuckerberg, Sheryl Sandberg, Accel Partners, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Chris Hughes, David Kirkpatrick, Dustin Moskovitz, Eduardo Saverin, Gerald Levin, Greylock Partners, HBO, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Zucker, Jill Kennedy, Joanna Shields, Jon Miller, Khan Manka, Li Ka-shing, Manka Bros., Mark Cuban, Mark Zuckerberg, Matt Cohler, MySpace, Nicolas Carlson, OnMedea, Owen Van Natta, Paul Buchheit, Peter Thiel, Rupert Murdoch, Sheryl Sandberg, Sumner Redstone, Toy Story 3

You social media punks make me sick!

It’s time for those of us in old media to fight back so we can return to making films and TV shows like the old days.

You people need to realize that fragmentation blows and loss of creative control for the studios sucks.

Manka Bros. has been entertaining the world for over 90 years and you don’t see people screaming and crying to buy our stock! It’s a fucked up system!

New media and all this social networking bull shit is really screwing with what we do best and I’ve had it!

So – LinkedIn had a splashy IPO and is now valued at around $10 billion. (UPDATE: Thank God Groupon and Zynga flopped!)

Considering the insignificance of this crappy little social network (“Next year we may have zero earnings! Whoo-hoo!”), I would peg Manka Bros.’ current valuation (regardless of our current stock price, goddamn it!) at around $1 trillion dollars!

Sounds crazy, right? But at least Manka Bros. makes stuff that people actually want.

Seriously, what the hell do you do on LinkedIn? Meet other people on LinkedIn? Send messages to strangers in the hope they will put you in their “network”?

In Hollywood, this is called stalking.

I have every message that is sent to me filtered by three people. Even someone like Bob Iger hardly ever gets through. I just can’t be bothered – I’M RUNNING THE WORLD’S LARGEST MEDIA COMPANY FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!

And if I need to hire someone (which I believe is a key function of LinkedIn), I will just bring in someone from my family or one my friends’ families. You think I’m going to hire someone from a website?

And if you Silicon Valley freaks keep trying to tell us in Hollywood how to run our businesses, me, Bob Iger, Rupert Murdoch and Sumner Redstone will shut the internet down and ship you nerds off to our MIS departments in Poland.

Or, even better, Manka Bros.’ ‘Facebook Killer’ (Caligula) will launch and make you all insignificant overnight! (We just have a few bugs to work out.)

So… to the newly-minted millionaires at LinkedIn, all I can say is ‘Congratulations and … SELL SELL SELL!’

To the future millionaires (and billionaires) at Facebook, Twitter, Groupon and all those other ridiculous websites, I say ‘good luck’ – I hope LinkedIn didn’t ruin it for the rest of you by manipulating the valuation so much that it scares off future investors.

And, finally, to all the strangers out there who would like to be my Friend on Facebook, please send me a request, I can’t wait to see pictures of the new baby.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

April 27, 2011July 8, 2021

Fishing With Barry Diller

Good afternoon.

I hope you are all enjoying your vacations. I mean, you can’t possibly be working because if you were MANKA BROS. WOULDN’T BE HAVING SUCH A HORRIBLE YEAR! If you are working, then you obviously suck at your job and should immediately quit for the good of the company!

Anyway…

Last weekend, I went fishing with Barry Diller up at Pyramid Lake (it’s a man-made lake about 60 miles up from Los Angeles off the I-5 freeway). It turns out, Barry likes to go there a lot. He has a little boat parked there in a shed.

I knew he was a wild man (from his Burning Mogul antics at the Herb Allen Mogul Retreat this year) but I had no idea he was such an outdoors man.

He picked me up on Saturday in his Toyota Tundra which was loaded down with a lot of supplies (fishing gear, cooler of beer [Coors], a little BBQ, a shotgun, some granola bars, etc.).

I don’t know the first thing about fishing. I went one other time in my life – a couple of years ago – at a daddy-daughter weekend in Aspen with some other media moguls. When Connie, my daughter, tried to cast out a fishing line, the hook got caught in my nose and pretty much did a full on Roman Polanski / Jack Nicholson nose rip from “Chinatown“.

I vowed never to fish or camp again.

But Barry Diller is very persuasive. He said he needed to get away from everything before heading back to New York for an IAC earnings call this week.

I suggested the Bacara Resort in Santa Barbara. He suggested a little row boat on Pyramid Lake.

Pyramid Lake is not your typical mogul hotspot. It’s mainly a place for drunken jet skiers from the Inland Empire.

The first thing I noticed as we drove up the I-5 was Barry’s taste in music. He is a huge Southern Fried Rock guy (Lynyrd Skynrd, the Outlaws, BTO, etc).

I had no idea. Maybe the drunken jet skiers from the Inland Empire were his cup of tea.

It took a while to get to the lake (he insisted on stopping to help a stranded motorist change a tire) but once we were there, it was surprisingly serene. Not too many rednecks. The weather was nice.

His boat – THE VON FURSTENBERG (neatly stenciled on the side) – is very small. It barely had enough room for two people. Throw in a cooler full of Coors and the fishing supplies and there was very little space to move.

Once we finally got out on the lake, Barry attempted to show me what to do but I had no interest at all. He pulled a Nightcrawler out of a can of worms and quickly baited his hook like a pro. He handed me the can and expected me to do the same.

“Fuck that,” I said. “Look, Barry, I just want to sit here, talk and drink beer. I’ll never go fishing again after today.”

Barry looked a little hurt, sighed, and deftly cast his own line into the lake. “I like to imagine different people when I stick the hook through the worm”, Barry said. You know, John Malone, Ben Silverman, Michael Eisner… it’s kind of like a fun game, you know?”

I immediately wanted to grab that can of worms and start sticking hooks into them – Jay McBee [stick], Robin Rafe, Ethan Rubidoux… all those in Manka Bros. senior management who suck at their jobs and deserve a sharp hook.

Suddenly, Barry’s line tensed and his rod started to bend – “Got one! Grab the net!”

I won’t go into any of the actual fishing details (there are people out there better than me to describe what happens when one fishes) other than to say we bagged that fish and eight more.

The rest of day we spent out on THE VON FURSTENBERG drinking the entire cooler of beer and talking about the digital transition and how it is affecting our companies. It was a nice day with an old friend. (Perhaps one day I’ll write about our digital transition conversation – it was really interesting and I think we solved the problem – or I’ll just have Jill Kennedy at OnMedea write about it.)

I don’t remember much about the rest of the trip but I would like to thank the Rolling Thunder Motorcycle Club for bringing me back home. I’m not sure how Barry got home – but he obviously made it back for his earnings call.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company