I Have A Goddamned Brown Spot The Size Of A Saucer On My Stomach

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I have a goddamned brown spot the size of a saucer on my stomach.  I don’t know what the hell it is.  It doesn’t hurt.  It doesn’t affect my ability to empty my bodily waste into the colostomy bag.  But it’s annoying as hell to look at.

Dick Shepherd’s got brown spots all over his body.  He never seems to complain about them.  That’s what I like about ol’ Shep.  He’s only got one quarter of a lung left, half a kidney, six fingers (out of  possible ten) and just one eye (and he’s damn near blind out of the other).  If ol’ Shep doesn’t complain, then neither will I.

THOSE DAMN KIDS have really outdone themselves over the last week.  Snotty Scotty has discovered stink bombs and loves to throw them in Mrs. Aldrich’s flower beds.  She cut half of one bush down because she thought they stank like the worst fucking shit ever (my words).

Every time Snotty Scotty throws another one it reminds me of Korea.  If I get hold of that little bastard, I’ll tell him about the stench of burning flesh.  That will teach him.  I wish we could keep a record of smells like a movie can capture images from the past.  If these stupid kids could just smell some of the horrors I’ve smelled, they’d treat me with the respect I deserve.

April is nearly here and I can only hope I’ll be dead before May.  I don’t know how long it takes little brown spots to work their magic, but it won’t be soon enough as far as I’m concerned.

As far as my plans for the rest of the spring go, me and Mrs. Aldrich will be in the bomb shelter eating beans and talking about war.

I’ll talk at you next week…

Lester Aldrich is a freelance columnist for Octogenarian Magazine. Manka Bros. Studios is not responsible for any action by our freelance writers. If Mr. Aldrich actually kills someone, that’s his problem. Manka Bros. cannot (and will not) be held responsible.

You Know You’re Getting Old When You Start Bleeding From The Ass

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Don’t fret, idiots, that’s not the subject of my column today – as always, it’s THOSE DAMN KIDS!

However, when I am bleeding from the ass (e.g., this morning), my hatred of those damn kids grows tenfold!  The picture of the elephant on the toilet is not meant to amuse you – it’s to educate you about my daily battle with the toilet.

Let me know give you a little insight into my day.  I get up at 4:30am and will have read the entire Lansing State Journal rag by the time most of the goddamned pipsqueaks on my block have crawled out of bed and had their first bowl of frutti-tutti flakes.

Every morning, me and Mrs. Aldrich sit on our porch and watch dumbfounded as those little jerks scrape dogshit off their sneakers and onto my lawn.

The vicious cycle starts with the parents of those little Hitlers.  Wine swilling, middle class asshole who let their little yap dogs (with their craps the size of Lake Michigan) shit on my sidewalk without cleaning it up.  Come rain or shine, those damn kids step in it every morning, then they say “ewww”, scrape it on my lawn then skip off to school so they can learn how to piss on the flag.

It doesn’t matter if it’s on a day when my ass is bleeding or not – IT DRIVES ME FUCKING CRAZY!!!

But don’t cry for me.  As long as I have blood in my veins and bullets in my gun, I’ll always have the upper hand against THOSE DAMN KIDS!

I’ll talk at you another time…

Lester Aldrich is a freelance columnist for Octogenarian MagazineManka Bros. Studios is not responsible for any action by our freelance writers.  If Mr. Aldrich actually kills someone, that’s his problem.  Manka Bros. cannot (and will not) be held responsible.

Things Aren’t As Funny As They Used To Be

 

Here it is, another morning that I managed to wake up.  Jesus fucking Christ.  Oh, well…

As I edge toward my 90s, things aren’t as funny as they used to be.

It’s not as funny when Mrs. Aldrich falls down the steps.  She gets hurt now and I have to get out of my chair to do something about it.

It’s not as funny on the Archie Bunker show when they flush the toilet.  It used to be so funny.  But that was 40 years ago.

It’s not as funny when I see Those Damn Kids fall down on their skateboards and break their legs.  There was a time a few years ago when I would laugh for days when that happened.  Now it’s just a couple of chuckles and I’m done with it.

Maybe it’s this terrible recession and my retirement savings going down the drain – or maybe it’s my horrible eyesight and my inability to see the television too clearly – or maybe I’m just dying and that’s just not as funny as it used to be.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

I’ll talk at you next week…

AARP, Alf Landon, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, cannibalism, CNN, east lansing, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, korean war, lester aldrich, manka bros., Michigan, octogenarian, those damn kids, World's largest Media Company, Paul Harvey, Art LInklletter, Lawrence Welk, Garrison Keillor, Andy Rooney, Douglas MacarthurLester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids