Harvey Weinstein – Page 3 – Chairman's Blog

October 31, 2014May 18, 2016

Manka Bros. To Produce 157 Movies Based On MC Comics Characters Through 2050

Good afternoon.

The title pretty much says it all.

THIS SHIT IS REAL!

So come on, Comic Con geeks – let your heads commence to explode.

THIS IS A HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT and a financial commitment unparalleled in the history of Hollywood (and way more impressive than DC Comics or Marvel’s puny little movie announcements).

We’ve talked about getting these world-class characters out of the comic book pages and onto the big screen for months – especially when you see some of those box office grosses – Jesus Christ – people will watch anything!

And MC Comics has arguably the best characters in the universe – it is Manka Bros.’ crown jewel.

I think the entire planet is ready for a “Captain Stoppo” movie (which, unfortunately, isn’t part of our current plan).

And what is the plan? Here you go, movie dorks – and, by the way, YOU’RE WELCOME!

Starting 2015, Manka Bros. will release 3-5 MC Comics SUPERMOVIES™ a year. (I don’t call them event films or tentpoles – I call them SUPERMOVIES™ – meaning big, awesome and insanely profitable).

By 2050, the story arcs we have mapped out over the past few days will be completed and we’ll be ready to go in a new direction.

Maybe we’ll start doing epic romantic comedies or something. No matter what, we’ll be able to do whatever the fuck we want because we’re going to make so much bank on these comic book movies it’s not even funny.

Enough of my chatter -let’s get to the release schedule – it’s going to be a long scroll:

2015:

The Javelin: End Of Innocence (March 4)
Uncle Knuckles: Unnecessary Evil (July 2)
The Brown Haze: Code of H.O.N.O.R.(November 18)

2016:

Doctor Proctor: Aliens Unite (June 9)
The Jacobeans: Copernican Revolution (August 12)
Skullboy: Birth of T.O.R.N.A.T.O. (featuring The Javelin, Uncle Knuckles, The Brown Haze, Microwife and Sheetah) (TBD)
Johnny Crasp & The Lost Trood (Christmas)

2017:

Sheetah: Harvest of Sorrow (February 14)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O.: Midnight Storm (May 6)
The Javelin 2: Heroes Unwelcome (July 18)
Pebble Boy: Who Is Pebble Boy? (October 20)

2018:

Uncle Knuckles 2: Evil Is Not Necessary (April 3)
Gray Goose & Orange Crush: Earth’s Last Stand (June 27)
The Father: Obey (November 8)
The Jacobeans 2: The Smell of Death (Christmas)

2019:

Buddha vs. Moses: Curse of the Millennium (March 17)
Doctor Proctor 2: Always Say Never (July 6)
The Son: Adore & Glorify (November 7)
The Brown Haze 2: Planet on Fire (Thanksgiving)

2020:

T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 2: Bluetooth Ascends(April 6)
The Black Wasp: Deadly Flight (July 7)
The Holy Ghost: You Must Fear (November 9)
Skullboy 2: Sailors Delight (December 18)

2021:

Pebble Boy 2: Clayhead’s Revenge (March 14)
Johnny Crasp & The Lost Trood 2: Seasons In The Sun (August 25)
The Father vs. The Son vs. The Holy Ghost: Heaven’s On Fire (Christmas)

2022:

Sheetah 2: Inside The Dark (February 10)
Uncle Knuckles 3: Evil Stand Down (May 5)
Buddha vs. Moses vs. The Black Wasp: End Of Days (Thanksgiving)
The Jacobeans 3: Birth Of A Nation (Christmas)

2023:

Vertebraek: The Mayan Dutchman (March 8)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 3: Everything Dies (May 20)
The Human Jaguar vs. The Animal Jaguar: Gorilla Warfare (Part 1 of 5) (July 23)
The Holy Ghost 2: Down To Earth (December 22)

2024:

The Javelin 3: The New Javelin (April 18)
The Black Wasp 2: Dead Dead Dead (Never To Return) (July 4)
Buddha, Jesus, Moses & Young (A Comedy) (November 4)

2025:

Pebble Boy 3: Pebble Man (January 16)
Doctor Proctor 3: Fatal Examination (June 28)
The Human Jaguar vs. The Animal Jaguar: Skinned Alive (Part 2 of 5) (November 14)

2026:

Vertebraek 2: Deathert Storm (February 12)
The Brown Haze 3: Clear Skies (May 15)
The Human Jaguar vs. The Animal Jaguar: Shot In The Back (Part 3 of 5) (November 12)
Joe Jitsu: The Death of Chuck Spalding (Christmas)

2027:

T.O.R.N.A.T.O 4: Fresh Dawn (featuring new characters including The New Javelin, Joe Jitsu, Moses, Mysteria, Groan and The Kentuckian) (May 5)
The Jacobeans 4: Pandemic (July 3)
The Black Wasp 3: Never Stay Dead (October 4)
The Human Jaguar vs. The Animal Jaguar: Filthy Beast (Part 4 of 5) (November 15)

2028:

The New Javelin: The Indian Train Porter (March 20)
Phillip Jagstone: The Human Box (June 16)
Smack-O-Lantern: World On Fire (October 24)
The Human Jaguar vs. The Animal Jaguar: Somebody Wins (Part 5 of 5 – Part 1) (November 18)

2029:

Pebble Man: The Birth Of Pebble Boy (March 17)
Johnny Crasp & The Lost Trood 3: Bleeding City Of Gold (June 16)
Uncle Knuckles: No Surrender (brand refresh) (October 17)
The Human Jaguar vs. The Animal Jaguar: Somebody Wins (Part 5 of 5 – Part 2) (November 19)

2030:

The Indian Train Porter: Mumbai Monsoon (April 17)
Joe Jitsu 2: The Masked Apparition (August 2)
The Human Jaguar vs. The Animal Jaguar: Somebody Wins (Part 5 of 5 – Part 3) November 20
The Duchess of Malfi vs. The Human Box (Christmas)

2031:

The New Javelin 2: Killosopher’s Last Stand (March 18)
Colonel Albania: Czechmate (July 17)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 1 of 6) (November 12)
The Forgotten 8: Pointillist Rising (featuring The Lifter, Pinch Hitter, 2 Of Clubs, Da Boss, Everlass, Slacks, The Ghost of Hamlet’s Father and Soknotta) (Christmas)

2032:

Pebble Boy vs. The Brown Haze: Sundown (May 5)
The Black Wasp 4: Gravity Ends (July 17)
The Human Box: The Phillip Jagstone Chronicles (Part 1 of 3) (October 14)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 2 of 6) (November 13)

2033:

Vertebraek 3: Seeds Of Destruction (April 3)
The Indian Train Porter 2: Controlled Substance (August 15)
Smack-O-Lantern 2: Sending My Love (October 22)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 3 of 6) (November 12)
Joe Jitsu 3: Groan & Gasp (November 26)
The Duchess Of Malfi: Prelude To A Storm (Christmas)

2034:

Colonel Albania 2: Lethalania (February 3)
Sheetah 3: There’s A New Sheetah In Town (April 7)
The Human Box: The Phillip Jagstone Chronicles (Part 2 of 3) (July 23)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 4 of 6) (November 13)
Buddha vs. Moses vs. The Black Wasp 2: Exodus (Christmas)

2035:

The New Javelin 3: The Rebirth Of T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 1 (featuring all the original T.O.R.N.A.T.O. members but younger (The Javelin, Uncle Knuckles, The Brown Haze, Microwife and Sheetah) – not to be confused with the T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile series characters (The New Javelin, Joe Jitsu, Moses, Mysteria, Groan and The Kentuckian) (May 13)
Johnny Crasp & The Lost Trood 4: Skullinary Art (August 10)
Pebble Boy vs. Crocodoll: Island On Fire (October 10)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 5 of 6) (November 15)

2036:

The Amazing Echo: Deceptikon 436 (February 2)
The Forgotten 8 2: Hope Laughs (April 18)
The Human Box: The Phillip Jagstone Chronicles (Part 3 of 3 – Part 1) (July 16)
Smack-O-Lantern 3: Death Knocks (October 20)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 6 of 6 – Part 1) (November 18)

2037:

Groan & Gasp: The Fall Of Smugly (February 6)
New Sheetah: Sunrise At Dawn (March 29)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O 1: Universal Upheaval (July 16)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 6 of 6 – Part 2) (November 15)
The Indian Train Porter 3: Cry Of The Creed Whacker (December 18)

2038:

Madgician: Death To The Forgotten 8 (March 7)
The Human Box: The Phillip Jagstone Chronicles (Part 3 of 3 – Part 2) (July 7)
General Albania: Promotion Granted (August 17)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 6 of 6 – Part 3) (November 7)
The Jacobeans vs. Mandito: God Will Decide (Christmas)

2039:

Uncle Knuckles / Pebble Boy Crossover Event (Title TBD) (March 12)
Doctor Proctor: Lou Tonium’s Final War (July 4)
The Amazing Echo 2: The Inertian (October 10)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 6 of 6 – Part 4) (November 20)

2040:

Johnny Crasp & the Lost Trood 5: Found Trood (February 14)
Sheetah & The Human Jaguar vs. Joe Jitsu & Uncle Knuckles: Hell Unbound (May 25)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 2: Universe Unhinged (July 6)
The Holy Ghost 3: Fear The Reaper (August 17)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. Guerre Civile (Part 6 of 6 – Part 5) (November 22)
The Fissureman: Earth Walker (December 14)

2041:

Groan & Gasp 2: The Story Of Gunshine (March 6)
Pebble Boy vs. Crocodoll 2: The Death Of Crocodoll, The Birth Of Brawlcano (May 14)
Vertebraek 4: Welcome To Hades (July 16)
Smack-O-Lantern 4: A Musical Horromedy (October 20)
New Sheetah 2: Old Sheetah’s Shadow (December 3)

2042:

Clayhead 2: High School Sucks (April 24)
The New Brown Haze: Big Bang (brand refresh) (Jun 15)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O: God Help Us All (July 17)
Insurance Squad No. 1: Galaxy Implosion (November 15)

2043:

The Forgotten 8 3: Burn In Hell (March 25)
Brawlcano: Mind The Gap (July 15)
Lou Tonium: The World Is Flattened (October 20)
Uncle Knuckles / Pebble Boy Crossover Event 2 (Title TBD) (November 16)
The Ghost Of Hamlet’s Father: Murder Most Foul (Christmas)

2044:

The Jacobeans vs. Mandito 2: Splat (February 22)
The Kentuckian: Galactic Hoedown (June 25)
Sheetah & The Human Jaguar vs. Joe Jitsu & Uncle Knuckles 2: Hell Unscrewed (November 3)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 2: Hell’s Apocalypse (November 27)
The Fissureman 2: Earth Runner (Christmas)

2045:

Groan & Gasp 2: Dr. Flamenco’s Return (January 23)
Clayhead 3: High School Still Sucks (April 19)
The Indian Train Porter 4: One More Job (July 20)
Smack-O-Lantern: Back To Terror (October 17)
General Albania 2: White Sea Cannibal (Christmas)

2046:

Madgician 2: Revenge Of Madgician’s Rabbit (March 4)
Glassh vs. Smugly: No One Survives (May 26)
Lou Tonium 2: Quarantined (July 6)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 3: Serious Business (November 15)
Crocodoll’s Christmas In Virginia (December 12)

2047:

Dr. Flamenco: The Last Dance (February 14)
The Forgotten 8 4: Habeas Corpus (June 17)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O 4: All Is Lost (November 12)
The Kentuckian 2: Galactic Barbecue (December 3)

2048:

Sheetah & The Human Jaguar vs. Joe Jitsu & Uncle Knuckles 3: Hell’s Last Stand (March 7)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 5: Gotterdammerung (Part 1) (June 3)
Insurance Squad No. 2: Solar Eclipse (August 15)
The Indian Train Porter Dies (October 23)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 5: Gotterdammerung (Part 2) (November 17)
Crocodoll’s Christmas In Virginia 2: Valentine’s Day (December 20)

2049:

General Albania vs. Pebble Boy: Soviet Beatdown (February 14)
Clayhead 4: College Sucks (April 15)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 5: Gotterdammerung (Part 3) (July 4)
Lou Tonium 3: Damn It! (August 24)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 5: Gotterdammerung (Part 4) (November 12)

2050:

Insurance Squad No. 3: Flame Throwers (March 14)
The Fissureman 3: Into The Jungle (May 7)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 5: Gotterdammerung (Part 5) (July 2)
Doctor Proctor & Sheetah Get Married (working title) (August 12)
Smack-O-Lantern: Swallow This (October 18)
T.O.R.N.A.T.O. vs. T.O.R.N.A.T.O. 5: Gotterdammerung (Part 6) (November 6)
Crocodoll’s Christmas In Virginia 3: Columbus Day (Christmas)

Whew, that’s a lot of content! I certainly hope WALL STREET (pricks) gets as excited about this list of titles as I am.

So now we’re just going to go out and make these 157 movies. We’ll start hiring writers and directors and actors and come up with costumes and all that stuff.

Manka Bros. has, once again, proven that we are – by a long shot- the world’s largest media company!

Take that Jack Ma!

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – I’d like to thank my assistant Vicky Adler-Modry for typing up this gigantic list. I’ve given her the rest of the evening off.

October 10, 2014October 10, 2014

I Am Not Giving Up The Jet

Good morning.

At Manka Bros. Studios, we have a suggestion box placed near the Fountain of Wisdom next to the 12-foot statue of my uncle – the great Khan Manka, Sr.

Normally, I don’t pay too much attention to the suggestions as they are mostly about the small portions served at the cafeteria; why isn’t gym membership free; and why we don’t give away more free stuff (like DVDs of our movies), etc.

But yesterday, I was made aware of a suggestion that I felt I should take head on:

“If Manka Bros. is currently going through a cost-cutting program which includes pretty severe headcount cuts, why wouldn’t you consider selling the Manka Bros. corporate jet in order to save a few of those jobs?”

This is a very thoughtful, but, I hate to say, very stupid and short-sighted question.

The jet stays.

Period.

I have never considered selling the jet for one very special reason – I need it. And I am the Chairman & CEO. Capische?

Without the jet, I would never have been able to take a call from COO Lloyd Grohl informing me we had won the movie rights to Cormac McCarthy’s “Rampage of the Stegosaur.”

Sure, I could have learned about it when I touched down in New York like a normal schlub at JFK or some such shit (if I was flying commercial like an idiot) – but I think it was important that I got that news an hour earlier so that I could think about what it meant for the company.

“But that movie lost $200 million,” you say.

And I say, shut the fuck up. We’re not done with that property, moron.

We have a musical coming out on Broadway that could end up making $1 billion. Nobody knows the future (though the music and lyrics need lots of work. Oy, those songs).

Without the jet, I wouldn’t have been able to fly to the Olympics in Sochi without going through security. Those lines were really long!

And do you know how hard it is to get to your house in the Seychelles when you’re flying commercial?!

Or Sun Valley? That would look pathetic to the other moguls.

So don’t tell me to sell the jet that I earned!

I’m a “MANKA,” goddamnit! Asking me to sell my plane is like me asking you to sell your child.

Go ahead, sell your child. I bet you could save a couple jobs with the money you make in the black-market-child-selling-ring.

Who looks foolish now, Ray Adler in Home Video? Oh, I mean, “Anonymous.”

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 14, 2014July 15, 2014

Manka Bros. To Produce Lots Of Event Series

Good evening from my house in the Seychelles!

I flew here directly from Herb Allen’s worst Sun Valley conference ever.

Maybe he should just stop and hand it off to Herbert Allen, Jr. Jr. (if there is such a thing).

There’s really no point to these blow fests every year.

The only thing we learned this year was that if you are powerful in business you probably suck at comedy.

It’s nearly 10pm here and I’m bored out of my mind.

Sometimes liquor is a great cure for boredom. Not this time and the internet is awful in the summer with everything being written by interns while the normal writers are on vacation. (Actually, the internet is pretty much always awful.)

I did notice on Deadline.com (which is the reason I’m blogging) that Spike TV is producing “Tut” – an event series starring Sir Ben Kingsley based on the life of King Tut.

SIR BEN KINGSLEY ON SPIKE TV?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Spike TV is the lowest of the low. Maybe a few WWE wrestlers can make cameos in “Tut” and cross-promote.

It seems like this kind of production would need muscle guys slathered in oil screaming at each other.

Is it that easy these days to get Sir Ben Kingsley in a TV series?

Or has his career sunken so low that he has to appear on Spike?

Either way – Manka Bros. is leaping into this phenomenon called “Event Series” with an incredibly ambitious slate that I just thought of in the past few minutes.

Highlights from our upcoming productions include:

“Attila” – A 20-part event series based on the life of Attila the Hun.

“Stalin” – A 15-part event series based on the life of Joseph Stalin.

“Arianna” – A 19-part event series based on the life of Arianna Huffington.

“Quixote” – A 9-part event series based on the life of Don Quixote.

“Thor” – A 12-part event series based on the life of the Norse God Thor.

“Khan” – A 30-part event series based on the life of Khan Manka (Sr.)

“Einstein” – A 12-part event series based on the life of Albert Einstein.

“Super” – A 17-part event series based on the life of Super Dave Osborne.

“Confucius” – A 5-part event series based on the life of Confucius.

“Fillmore” – A 13-part event series based on the life of Millard Fillmore.

“Wagner” – A 20-part event series based on the life of Robert Wagner.

“Wagner” – A 6-part event series based on the life of Richard Wagner.

“Picasso” – A 4-part event series based on the life of Pablo Picasso.

(Note: All of these may star Sir Ben Kingsley or actors who know Sir Ben Kingsley.)

——————————————-

The list goes on and on.

I can think up names of historical figures all day long with the best of ’em. (Are you paying attention, Ben Silverman?)

And Manka Bros. is going to own this market of thinking up event series ideas based on people’s lives (ideas that strangely didn’t appeal to anyone in Hollywood over last few decades even though the source material was always just sitting there).

I may return to the States later this week to attend Comic-Con even though they said they wouldn’t invite me back after my last keynote address.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 10, 2014July 10, 2014

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2014 – Improv Night

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2014

Day 1: The End Of Cynicism

Day 2: Pivot

Day 3: Improv Night

You know what? F these young tech dorks!

The great John Grisham once wrote there is a “Time To Kill” (or Jesus said it in the Bible – I don’t know)… but last night was almost my time to kill several asshole billionaire millennials.

I just wanted to strangle them with those tight t-shirts they’re so proud of wearing.

Herb Allen has lost control of this conference. He has been overly enamored and completely overrun by the arrogant pricks that are the Silicon Valley t-shirt mafia.

Let me step back…

After a fucking long day of interviews and presentations from the likes of Phil Jackson and Larry Page (Larry talked about robots – that’s the pot calling the kettle black – he IS a robot!) in which they said everything and yet nothing, all we in the captive audience wanted to do was relax, have a drink and a little fun.

Every year, there is always one night that is set aside for some type of entertainment in which we, the attendees, are the entertainers.

It could be a karaoke night. A boxing tournament. Or even the controversial (and truly horrific) “Burning Mogul” event from a couple of years ago.

This year, Herb decided it would be fun to put on skits and songs like kids do at real summer camps. It sort of sounded like fun – many emails were sent back and forth from everyone and we all agreed.

Warren Buffett fought very hard to put on some sort of Broadway musical but there weren’t enough female moguls available to fill all the parts of something like that.

So short little rehearsed sketches or songs was the final decision.

Tim Armstrong was going to be at the piano (he plays better than Lang Lang, you know) and would accompany anyone that needed it.

It was all set.

Harvey Weinstein and I were going to do the “Dave’s not here” bit from Cheech & Chong. I had that record memorized when I was younger.

But then punk ass Zuckerberg decided he didn’t want to do a skit or song. He wanted to do improv and have an improv jam.

An improv jam in the Great Hall of the Moguls (The Limelight Ballroom)?

The fuck?!

And Herb Allen caved immediately and said it was a great idea. Much better than what he had planned.

So the skits were off and I witnessed what was possibly the worst display of comedy I have seen since our pilot episode of “My Wife Left Me For Bucky Dent.”

I would have preferred to sit and watch Barry Diller play video games on Twitch than to watch this terrible terrible improv show.

True horror is watching Mark Zuckerberg, Jeff Weiner and Ben Horowitz improvising a rap version of the “Gilligan’s Island” theme song (on an audience suggestion by Jeff Bezos).

Words can’t describe the discomfort we all felt when General Stanley McChrystal was pulled up into a scene where he was asked to get a reservation at a Mexican restaurant from an unintelligible Mexican waiter (played painfully by Les Moonves).

The General was genuinely angry and absolutely flustered by the whole experience.

It was gut-wrenching.

But the young punks ate it up.

I haven’t seen people laugh at something so awful since I was kneed in the nuts by Sumner Redstone in front of his family.

Other lowlights include:

A Charlie Rose chiquita banana bit (no further comment necessary)

A painful first date improv which took place at a laundry mat featuring Marissa Mayer (who still refuses to fix her thrashed voice – though she was the first to arrive, well ahead of schedule) and Michael Bloomberg. There was so much silence and embarrassment that people started shouting out things for them to say. They still stood, unable to come up with anything and then just stopped.

To finish, Harvey Weinstein jumped up and did a sort of one man show where he is ordering God to make some changes on Earth. It sounds funnier than it was because his changes were so stupid and it went on like 25 minutes.

It was a complete humiliation for everyone involved.

The coming together of old and new media took a huge step backwards last night.

Just a massive epic fail.

Oh well – today’s panels are dominated by old media guys talking about content. It’s our day to shine!

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 9, 2014July 10, 2014

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2014 – Day 2 – Pivot

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2014

Day 1: The End Of Cynicism

Day 2: Pivot

Day 3: Improv Night

I hate buzz words.

I don’t use them. I make fun of those that use them.

I didn’t go to business school so I didn’t learn how to speak cliches in meetings.

I went to drug-taking-son-of-movie-mogul school and we didn’t use buzz words except for “far out.”

It seems that everyone you hire from Ivy leagues schools has lost their ability to express themselves in a natural way.

Yet we keep hiring them because there are only so many drug-taking sons-of-movie-moguls in the talent pool and we can’t take a chance on someone from Arizona State (seriously).

But today, a buzz word is apt.

Manka Bros. and Hollywood MUST PIVOT!

Last night, as I got hammered with my old media buddies and talked about the houses we own and the places we’re planning to go for the summer – I noticed over in a corner a bunch of the young tech heads who weren’t getting that drunk and who weren’t talking about anything other than the products they create.

We have NO CHANCE against much younger people who want to do nothing but talk about their work.

There are too many distractions in Hollywood.

We are rich men living rich men lives.

We drink a lot of expensive wine and scotch.

If we’re just going to concentrate on our work all the time we may as well live in a fleabag apartment in Pacoima and take the bus to work.

The spoils are the reason we got in this business.

So here I am with Rupert (who is not allowed to buy my company at any price. I’m a real mogul – not a hired mogul) and Haim Saban and a few other old media guys at the bar getting lit.

Over in one corner, sporting various wearable devices (Google glasses, Oculus viewfinders, GoPro cameras, etc.) are Larry Page, Sergey Brin, Mark Zuckerberg and the Pinterest guy and the GoPro surfer guy… and they’re freakin’ talking about the shit they make!!

And then I spot Bob Iger wearing that virtual reality helmet.

What?! Bob Iger?!

You see, Bob is no idiot.

He knows what the Hell is going on.

Though he does look ridiculous in his high collar shirt with the Oculus thing on his face pretending to be skydiving.

All this change has been happening and we have been so ignorant and so resistant!

I left my old drunk friends at the bar and squeezed my way into the hacky-sack circle of tech punks and I learned a few things.

First of all, according to the Google guys, we need to get a YouTube channel and probably buy some multi-channel network (called MCNs) of some sort.

There is a MankaBrosStudios YouTube channel, but surprise surprise, we don’t own it.

I think we should buy it back for whatever it costs and maybe one of those gamer channels where dumb asses pay to watch other dumb asses play video games on the internet.

YouTube is buying something called Twitch and I think we need to get into that as well. Some Twitch channel that dumb asses will pay us to watch.

I have ordered my assistant, Vicky Adler-Modry, to give these instructions to the Manka Business Development group to make all of this happen immediately!

(Note: She shouldn’t have to do that because, as you know, reading my blog is mandatory and subject to termination if you don’t!)

Manka Bros. must PIVOT, DISRUPT, LEAN IN and EXECUTE!

CAPISCE?

Today, there is an endless stream of horrific PowerPoint presentations that I said I would attend. There is break this afternoon before our dinner tonight and annual variety show. FYI, Harvey Weinstein and I are doing an old Cheech & Chong bit which should surely kill in that room.

If anyone needs to reach me – the afternoon window is your only chance.

Make this shit happen or all of you are toast and I’ll restaff with new recruits from Arizona State!

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 8, 2014July 10, 2014

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2014 – Day 1 – The End of Cynicism

Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2014

Day 1: The End of Cynicism

Day 2: Pivot

Day 3: Improv Night

Well, fuck, it’s that time of year again.

I contemplated not going at all to the Herb Allen’s Sun Valley snorefest, but decided it was in my company’s best interest… ah, fuck that, I just wanted to get away from Hollywood which is so freakin’ boring in the summer.

But something magical happened to me on the two-hour flight up here from Burbank.

Captain Randy let me fly the plane for a bit over the mountains and it was just so beautiful that I actually started to smile. And I decided then and there to try and make this week a POSITIVE experience.

Over the past few years (2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013), I was so negative about the pointlessness of the whole week, that I didn’t even try to have a good attitude.

(I mean, seriously, it is hard to have a good attitude when the planned events include the Mogolympics, Burning Mogul – and who could forget 2012’s acid trip experiment – see right.)

But none of that this year, I am going to be a willing participant no matter how stupid the activity.

I may even try to drum up a little business for the studio.

We haven’t done any major deals in a while and we’re just sitting on a bunch of cash which I really haven’t found any use for (except for a few personal real estate transactions).

One deal that definitely won’t happen, Manka Bros. will not buy DreamWorks Animation so stop with the texts, Katzenberg – though I will keep the champagne you sent to my room.

So, I have a arrived – one of the first ones here as always. As I sip my champagne (not the first of the day – I had a couple of belts on the plane) while dictating this blog over the phone to my assistant, I am genuinely excited about what is to come.

There are great changes happening in our business – even though my mogul brethren and I hate to acknowledge it – and we must embrace these changes or die.

We don’t want the dorks from Oculus Rift taking over the store.

WE will continue to produce and control the best content known to man (and wo-man) and no one is going to take that away from us.

Movie studios have always been the incubators of the world’s greatest creative minds and NOT relic-filled museums.

But I digress so that I may drink.

I understand the best bartender on the planet, Bin Tran is back at his post in The Drankin’ Hole after taking last year off (family emergency my ass).

Things are already looking up.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – I wonder whose job it is to make sure Marissa Mayer doesn’t sleep through dinner tonight?

May 29, 2014

Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer Kevin Reilly A Job

It has been brought to my attention that Kevin Reilly – the futurist former head of the Fox Broadcasting Company – has been forcibly removed from his post and is now looking forward to forcibly spending “more time with his family.”

Rupert Murdoch, my old friend, you have made a grave mistake.

Kevin Reilly had the balls to bring us such shows as…

(I don’t really know, can someone in Media Research fill in the rest of this sentence – he must have done something, right?)

Did Fox do “Barney Miller”?

He has also done tons of other really important shit (again, Research, help me out).

Anyway, Kevin, I speak directly to you now – I love that you wanted to eliminate pilot season.

I, personally, have decided to eliminate the development process. We just go directly to series based on first drafts.

Anyone who writes in complete sentences knows more than Jay McBee (President of the Manka Bros. Television Group), so why would we want him to read scripts and make notes. What the fuck does he know? He was a Radio Shack cashier before he won that goddamned reality show contest which made him the head of the Television Group.

But I digress…

Kevin, seriously, you can take any job you want. Over-the-Top networks are pretty trendy right now. We could give you money to make little videos for YouTube. That’s cool, right?

Or you could produce shit for Manka Broadway. Or publish books in our book division. Or even sell branded socks in Consumer Products.

Whatever job you want – you can have. Except mine. And except Lloyd Grohl.

You could even have a Board seat. We are so ready to dump Diahann Carroll it’s not even funny.

Think about it, Kevin. This is the best offer you will get.

Everyone else is doomed to fail.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

May 6, 2014May 6, 2014

Manka Bros. Would Like To Hire Lara Logan

Good afternoon.

It was brought to my attention that CBS news correspondent Lara Logan is getting some backlash for her 60 Minutes report on Benghazi. In fact, I have heard that she may not be allowed to return to CBS News.

If that were to happen, Manka Bros. would like to hire her to run our news department.

We have several news initiatives that we are planning to launch including a documentary channel (Manka Docs) and a Vice-style guerrilla news operation (Manka Vice) in which we will be covering the major conflicts around the world.

It’s a very ambitious plan but we feel that Ms. Logan would be perfect to lead these efforts.

We don’t care if news is reported inaccurately. We just care that it’s reported and gets on the air.

So – I look forward to Ms. Logan calling my office and setting up a lunch (or dinner).

If possible, maybe this weekend (or tonight). I could be in New York in four hours. I have a plane.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

March 12, 2014March 12, 2014

Profits Up – Time For Cuts

Good morning.

As many of you know, Manka Bros. had an excellent 2013 (mainly from the asbestos lawsuit payout from the state [yeah, baby!] and increased attendance at our Manka Fun Parks due to the new Animaltered Attractions in Des Moines and Halifax).

Because of our good fortune and superior senior management (with the exception of Jay McBee in the Television Group), we, unfortunately, must make some severe cuts in order to continue to grow.

Many of the overhead cuts we must make will certainly impact many lives (because you won’t be getting paid anymore and we live in a society where money is important), but those affected can take comfort in the fact that because they lost their job, Manka Bros. will continue to thrive.

I will leave it to the divisional heads to make the ultimate decision on who and how many get cut put here is a percentage breakdown of the mandatory cuts:

MANKA BROS. THEATRICAL GROUP:

Manka Bros. Films: Great looking 2014 Film Slate (great work, Robin!) should be a solid year [20% ACROSS THE BOARD CUT]

Manka Highbrow: Another solid slate for 2014. Small films can be profitable as long as we cut cut cut! [15% CUT]

Manka Dogme: No cuts – love that Barbecue movie!

Manka Docs: Moving to an acquisition only strategy [EVERYONE IN PRODUCTION CUT]

Manka Mumblecore: Launching division in 2nd Quarter [30% CUT]

MANKA BROS. TELEVISION GROUP:

MBS: Broadcast is dying, our management sucks and we need MUCH better programming – [40% CUT IN DEVELOPMENT]

Manka Business Channel: Must relaunch with a new political leaning – [100% OF LIBERALS CUTS – FISCAL CONSERVATIVES HIRED TO REPLACE]

Manka Classic Movies: Doing great – subs and subscriber fees are up. [20% CUT – but that’s only 2 people – 10 people run that whole channel!]

Manka Legends, Manka Memories, Manka Food & Drink Channel and Manka Sports Network [NO CUTS – ALL ARE RELAUNCHING]

MANKA MUSIC GROUP:

NO CUTS! The Music Industry is incredibly healthy! Thanks to Seamus and Mac McCord for excellent album launches!

MANKA PUBLISHING GROUP:

Manka Books and Mankazines: You don’t need me to tell you how fucked you are – you can either CUT yourselves or wait until somebody comes around to your cubicle but it will happen at some point (unless you work on the few blockbuster titles/authors we have remaining.

OTHER BUSINESSES:

Manka Kids and Manka Fun Parks: No cuts yet – formulating new strategy/expansion plans.

Manka Broadway: Will evaluate after the opening of “Rampage of the Stegosaur – The Musical.”

Corporate has recommended to me that no cuts be made in Corporate.

I’ll go along with that for now – but I’ll be watching!

——————–

So that’s it.

Get to work making those cuts.

After the task is complete, I’ll have some sort of barbecue or party at my house for those who are left.

Looking forward to a very bright future!

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

January 17, 2014January 17, 2014

Sundance: Manka Bros. Acquires ‘Scoiattolo che mangia arancio’

Amy Mcgee, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, Bob Weinstein, Brooks Addicott, Casey De la Rosa, Derek Cianfrance, Elizabeth Leidt, FilmBuff, Harvey Weinstein, James Schamus, Jeff Schamus, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, John Cooper, John Sloss, John Wells, Julieta Esteban, Khan Manka, Krissy Bailey, Kristina Parker, Lauren Larson, Lisa Cholodenko, Maggie Sowell, Manka Bros., Mark Gill, Melissa Ventura, Peter Rice, Ricki Stern, Ricky Van Veen, Rob Epstein, Robert Redford, Rosie Wong, Shari Springer Berman, Spencer Susser, Tatiana Tensen, Terry Semel, The Weinstein Company

Hello from Maui!

I’m feeling much better and have recovered from the outrageous snub from the Motion Picture Academy – yet still, fuck the Academy Awards.

But life in Hollywood must continue.

As many of you have read, Manka Bros. has stopped going to the Sundance Film Festival because certain executives in the past chose to spend the week living like Caligula rather than conducting business.

Plus, I was getting sick of all the shit that was coming out of that festival – nothing but whiny little prick characters wearing soiled winter coats and not combing their hair. They all were meeting up with fucked up siblings and visiting their fucked up parents for the last time before somebody died.

Either that or some crappy “found footage” horror movie.

And when you would meet the filmmaker, you would discover deep-down what they really want to do is direct the next “Batman” movie and bang chicks. And the female directors pretty much wanted to do the same thing.

All phonies.

But finally a breakthrough!

We discovered a movie that transcends all the bullshit. It is pure, beautiful filmmaking and I knew we needed to have it.

And, goddamnit, we got it! We beat that son of a bitch Harvey Weinstein.

Suck on that, loser!

It’s a short (without sound) – which just might the future – and didn’t cost that much – a few hundred thousand – but it’s a masterpiece.

Congratulations to the team who discovered this online (another cost saver!) and get ready world because “Scoiattolo che mangia arancio” is a game changer!

Click here to watch:

SCOIATTOLO CHE MANGIA ARANCIO

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company