A completely… totally… unbelievably fucked up summer.
And everyone is at fault.
But mostly, the fault lies in our film slate development strategy.
The reason?
ORIGINAL FILMS FAIL
Did you morons seriously believe we’d have a global, four-quadrant hit with “Monty” (the animated praying mantis who becomes an atheist)?
Or “Flap Yo Wings”? A hugely overbudget original 1930s-era musical?
From this day forward, I do not want any of you Ivy League eggheads to think creatively again.
From this day forward, we only produce sequels of previously popular films; adaptations from popular books (preferably from our Manka Books division); and other popular IP such as board games and cartoon characters.
I do NOT want to hear about anything I have never heard about before!
Capisce?
Hey, Robin Rafe, what made you think “The End Of Daves” was a home run? And what made you think July 4th weekend was the perfect time for it?
Because of you idiots, this past summer may be the last summer I am able to spend at my house in the Seychelles.
Thanks for ruining the best three months I spend all year!
I can’t wait to see how our next original film will do – “The Beer Hunter” – sounds hilarious – only it’s NOT A FUCKING COMEDY!
Great work, guys.
Really looking forward to the failures we have in 2014.
So – to be clear – I want everyone in theatrical (and television, for that matter) development to call your agent contacts and tell them all to fuck off with their original ideas. I want only sequels of hits and other movies based on strong previously popular IP.
Hell, why don’t we just start making our own version of “The Wizard Of Oz”? Apparently, no one has the rights.
And I know we haven’t started shooting the “Captain Stoppo” movie yet – but let’s get going on a sequel as well. Or better yet, we should start thinking about five of everything before we start a project.
And if I hear of one writer or producer in a pitch meeting that tries to slip in an idea that they thought up all by themselves, I will have them thrown off the lot and ruined forever in show business.
I’m sure the planners of these conferences (not just Herb Allen’s but corporate offsites the world over) always dream great things will happen – that an idea will emerge that changes the world; that partnerships will form to create new and better companies… such wasted optimism.
And at the beginning of the week, most attendees seem to go along with the party line (drinking the Kool-aid and vodka, if you will).
And even though I have been cynical from the beginning (read every Day 1 post I’ve ever had from previous conferences (2009 – 2010 – 2011 – 2012 – and 2013) – deep down there is a slight tinge of hope that this might be worth my time.
But then the week drags on – and we drink at the bar late at night – have a hangover breakfast with lots of greasy meats – go to some mindless panel about how important content, sports and new distribution platforms are in all our lives – play golf – get drunk – eat wedding caliber food – get drunk some more (repeat repeat repeat)…
Maybe it’s because most of the attendees (like me) are so old and set in our ways.
Perhaps the new ideas will come from the Herb Allen III conference in Phoenix next year (because Herb Allen III is younger!) that focuses on new media… younger moguls, newer, fresher ideas (based on older, staler ideas) – a new energy that everyone seems to need.
Or not.
The biggest problem with Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference is the new moguls all try to act like old moguls – try to hang with the heavy scotch drinkers and cigar smokers, try to wear the Polo shirts that only an old mogul can look right in… it’s not easy to be an old mogul and actually look like an old mogul.
Out of the millions of stiff, awkward middle managers in media companies around the world only one or at most two will rise to become a true mogul (i.e., Ben Silverman will never be a mogul – try though he may; and the jury is definitely still out on Thomas Tull who is attempting to buy his way into moguldom).
You can’t fake it. It has to be organic.
Image Courtesy Of Manka Bros. Media Blogger: OnMedea http://mankabros.com/blogs/onmedea
It was originally titled Day 3 – “China” – because there was a huge focus today on China opportunities and how do media companies (and businesses in general) crack that Chinese nut?
First of all, you can’t (there’s that cynicism again!). But it’s absolutely true.
To get the scale in China that companies need would require being able to grow our businesses into significantbusinesses. Just making a few bucks here and there and having a movie work every once in a while isn’t going to cut it. We need to have a significant presence in China to make it worth all this effort.
And as soon as a foreign company gets a significant presence in China – the Chinese government will dial you back. They may not kick you out but they may decide not to distribute your movie for “censorship issues,” or not to release your new handset because of “environmental reasons”(ridiculous, right?) or not offer your content in a streaming service due to some other excuse that the government won’t even attempt to make  creative or fair.
I led a panel this morning on “How To Properly Bribe Chinese Officials.” I’ve written on this in the past – and have learned over the years you can actually get a lot more accomplished by offering bottles of Slivovitz and cartons of American cigarettes than by offering cash or personal favors (i.e., helping to get a Chinese government official’s kid get into Harvard, etc.)
We just have to be realistic about China. It’s fine if your expectations are low and you are okay with having a small business and making a little bit of money or using the cheap labor to build your toys and American flags. But for distributing content and for growing a huge, profitable business – China sucks and will always suck.
The only excitement left at this year’s conference (and wasn’t Building-A-Bike and a nauseous river raft ride enough excitement for one person) is tomorrow’s media panel with Rupert Murdoch,John Malone and Barry Diller (the same team from yesterday’s disastrous “Build-A-Bike”exercise).
Watching three guys who really hate each other attempting to be cordial (while offering nothing new) should be truly entertaining.
Or not at all. That’s the problem – just when you think maybe something will come out of the conference, nothing does.
Outside of that, the drunkening continues.
I have now been forced to make my own drinks because Vin Tran has had some sort of breakdown and can barely function (he talks often about bringing shame to his family).
There is a rumor the great Bin Tran will triumphantly return for the final night of the conference since his daughter gave birth yesterday (congratulations, Bin – never go away again).
They put me in the Batman room this year. This room is not easy to get. I think it was scheduled to be Thomas Tull’s room – but well, you know, shit happens. So now it’s mine! (I’m sure the Time Warner guys aren’t too happy about that – but Jeff Bewkes actually requested the Nicolas Sparks’ “The Notebook” room – so it’s all good.)
You see, all of the rooms at the Sun Valley Lodge have a different theme.
There’s a Disney Princess room (probably for Bob Iger and his wife Thunder Bay – I think that’s her name); a Star Wars room (there is always a fight over which tech dork gets that one); a Harry Potter room (which is under the main staircase – another favorite among Time Warner people and Brits);  a Haunted Alligators swamp room (a poor effort to throw a bone to a Manka Bros. IP); a Prison room (sometimes used to help a banker CEO get ready for real prison – ha!), etc. etc.
They should add a few Facebook rooms for those who don’t want any privacy at all – ha ha!
Themed rooms are great for families and sexually adventurous couples but really awful for a media mogul trying to get stuff done. Every time I call the concierge all I get back is “Yes, Batman” – “Of course, Batman” – “Right away, Batman.” Enough already!
And it doesn’t really matter what kind of agenda Herb “crafts” – it always comes down to the same shit: How the fuck is old media going to survive after traditional TV and film die an ugly death?
The answer is simple – we either roll over and wait for Google to acquire us all and then wait for our instructions… or we band together and acquire Google and Facebook and Apple and everyone else that is threatening our very existence and shut them down without mercy.
I like the second option.
In the meantime, I have avoided the press and retreated to The Drankin’ Hole to record my thoughts for this blog and to have a few dirty martinis and the Sun Valley Lodge’s world famous chili cheese fries.
To my horror, the greatest bartender in the world – Bin Tran – is not here this week! He has a daughter that is giving birth to his twelfth  grandchild (or some such shit) and he is at the hospital. His brother – Vin Tran – is taking his place for the week.
His brother sucks at making dirty martinis. He even had trouble with Brian Roberts’ club soda!
Day 1 is always slow and always makes me wonder why the hell I came up here – though the goodie bag is nice.
Inside this year’s bag is:
An  iWatch (though we were told not to show anyone outside of the conference or even acknowledge that it exists. Off the record, it’s really amazing and everyone will buy one);
The key fob to a new Tesla (courtesy of Elon Musk). Only 10 will unlock the doors of new Teslas at the end of the Conference. To my chagrin, EVERYONE does not get a new car!
A small, specially made, hand-crafted balloon dog sculpture by Jeff Koons;
A box of See’s Candies;
And, what I thought was really unique, a bar of gold.
OK – this place is starting to fill up.
Michael Eisner and former UK Prime Minister Tony Blair just walked in (not together – thank God) so I’m going to cut it off here and get busy drinking. I have to warn Tony Blair to not order anything from Vin Tran more difficult than a Jack & Coke.
Check back here tomorrow for an update on the always exciting Day 2.
A few of us are having a great night drinking schnapps and eating crab. I won’t name names for security reasons but their initials are DM, RM, BD, JB, CC – you figure it out.
I just received my daily fax of important Hollywood internet stories from my assistant, Vicky Adler-Modry, and noticed that apparently Nikki Finke was fired from Deadline Hollywood.
I didn’t even realize that was possible – basically the equivalent of me getting fired from Manka Bros. We all know this is an impossible thing. It would take gunfire and a hostage situation to remove me from my post and that wouldn’t be legal – so I guess nothing could get me out.
[Goddamnit, Barry Diller just fucking spilled watermelon schnapps on my white carpet! But I digress…]
Let me get right to the point and I’ll speak directly to Nikki as I write:
Manka Bros. would like to offer you, Nikki Finke, a job – doing pretty much whatever you would like. If you’ve seen our numbers lately, we need help in most areas of the business.
If you would like to start a cut-throat-destroy-someone’s-life-type blog like you are currently running – that would be fine.
If you would like to work as a partner with our own in-house cut-throat-destroy-someone’s-life-type-blog – OnMedea – that would be fine as well. She would love the help.
If you would like to run our Theatrical Group– that would be fine, too. Robin Rafe has really been sucking lately and needs to be replaced at some point (off the record).
Or just pick something off our Jobs board – we’ve got a few great openings right now.
So, think about it, Nikki – Manka Bros. is one place you will never be fired from (unless you write about me or my family). Call my assistant at the studio, Vicky Adler-Modry (or just Friend her on Facebook).
I have to get back to karaoake – Rupert’s about to sing “MacArthur Park” – (never to be missed).
With the upcoming death of Sumner Redstone (any day now based on how he looked in recent photos) and the increasing dementia of Rupert Murdoch, it’s clear there is soon to be only one true Hollywood mogul remaining.
Brothers from Poland and Bulgaria and Kansas City and New York, etc. etc. – all coming to Hollywood with a dream and the sociopathic guts to do whatever it took to succeed (and a whole lot of luck).
When Sumner Redstone dies (I’m gonna say by mid-summer) and hundreds of people are forced to go to that funeral (who would will willingly want to go unless they’re trying to pitch some new idea to Brad Grey) it will be down to me and Rupert.
And we all know Rupert is certifiably insane – so he doesn’t count anymore.
I don’t even want to hear arguments about Spielberg and Katzenberg and Geffen being moguls. They tried. They failed. Next.
Many may say I don’t deserve to be called a mogul because I wasn’t a founder of the company and didn’t build it from scratch. In fact, I was given the job of Chairman and CEO right out of high school after my father died. I didn’t even want the job. I was very happy in my band, King Khan. We were awesome and on our way.
But I took the job and built Manka Bros. into the global media powerhouse it is today.
In 1976, when I took over – the company didn’t even have its own plane or free food and car allowances for senior management. I took care of that immediately.
Without that shit, we would have had no chance to land a super executive like Lloyd Grohl to run operations.
I only hope that I live another 40-50 years so that those who are young now at least have a small idea of how great things used to be when, like mafia families, studio heads would be willing to kill in order come out on top.
The FBI has a file cabinet full of all the things my father and uncles did in order to survive in early Hollywood. (The FBI needed an entire warehouse to store the files on Louis B. Mayer!)
Those days are gone and things are very passive-aggressive and “nice” in Hollywood. On the outside, everyone appears to be happy for everyone else’s success while they all kill themselves on the inside.
[The following is a transcript of Khan Manka, Jr.’s keynote address at MIPCOM 2012. Â A disclaimer:Â Mr. Manka arrived late and was unable to have his speech entered into the TelePrompTer so his prepared remarks were not given.]
MIPCOM 2012 – KHAN MANKA, JR. KEYNOTE ADDRESS
“Rock You Like A Hurricane” plays as Khan Manka, Jr. walks to the MIPCOM podium.
Khan Manka, Jr. (KMJ): Look, we’re all a little fucked up today. I left my speech at the Carlton Bar this morning – technically last night – right, Ben?
Ben Silverman, in the front row, wearing sunglasses and a fedora, gives a thumbs up.
KMJ:  Damn, dude, you know a lot of crazy chicks! But I don’t need my speech.  I know what I want to say – and it’s much better than what Harvey Weinstein said earlier, right? Come on, I’ll fight all of you! Is it just me or is Harvey Weinstein starting to look more and more every day  like Charles Laughton in Hunchback of Notre Dame.  Huh?!
The lights flash on and off.
KMJ: OK OK – I get it. No fat Harvey jokes – allright! Jesus freakin’ Christ. Apparently, the head of MIPCOM – I don’t know his name – I’ll call him DICK COM – doesn’t like jokes. But, of course, Steve Levitan comes out here and does some lame ass shit and you’re falling all over the floor. I’ll bet you wouldn’t have laughed at that crap before he was famous.
Another flash of the lights.
KMJ: Â FUCK YOU – I UNDERSTAND! Television. Let’s talk television. I disagree with anyone who says this is a new Golden Age of television. They called the 50s the Golden Age. But what was the 70s? Goddamned Norman Lear? How could not call that a Golden Age? There was a lot of golden crap produced in the 1950s and every decade after that. For every “Modern Family” produced there is a “Mob Doctor” or, Jesus, “Mob Wives” – sorry, Ben, but it’s total shit and should be against the law – or at least against the laws of God.
Ben Silverman is talking to the waitress who brought over his drink order and is not paying attention.
KMJ: Look, at Manka Bros. we don’t believe in platitudes – we simply produce the world’s best television. There is no question about that. It’s not subjective. It is a fact. But that doesn’t mean we’re profitable. Our fucking international buying agents clearly have had their heads up their asses for several years now. I recommend you all go to our website and check the fall schedule for MBS. Not a flop in the bunch. Suck on that, Fox! LOOK OUT BELOW!
Khan Manka, Jr. wavers a bit and then falls to the floor. He quickly pops back up, takes a cocktail from Ben Silverman and continues.
KMJ: We’ve developed a new content model at Manka Bros. We call it the Circus-Circus-All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet model. Because it doesn’t matter what you produce – be it a feature film, scripted drama, comedy, reality series, web series – Shields & Yarnell crappy ass mime show – whatever – it’s all about how much and where you consume it. And, like, the Circus Circus Buffet, whether you’re eating those frightening powdered eggs or Cap’n Crunch, it’s all going to come out the same color in the end. And that color is green. Like money color.
Khan Manka, Jr. takes a long drink and closes his eyes for about 10 seconds, regaining his bearings.
KMJ: From this day forward, everything we produce will be available on a worldwide day-and-date basis. If we make a movie, you can watch it on TV, in a theater, at home, on your iPad, in the airplane, at the hotel… in the… in the… toilet. Anywhere you want for as long as you want for one price… $129.95. Any questions?
Nearly every hand raises in the audience. Khan Manka, Jr. stumbles off the stage. Ben Silverman stands and applauds. “Rock You Like A Hurricane” starts to play.
I’m not exactly sure how I wound up in one of Caesars’ vomitoriums face down – and I’m not sure why I wasn’t wearing pants.
Lying in the stall next to me was Harvey Weinstein – out cold. Â I was not going to investigate his pants situation.
I left Harvey, got a pack of gum from the guy standing at the sink and went to find some pants. Â I would like to publicly thank the Hugo Boss store in the Caesars’ Forum Shops for being open so early.
I was not the only one there needing to buy pants. Â Inside were various computer geeks, Silicon Valley dorks and movie executives all scouring the rack for anything that would fit. Â “Happens all the time, especially during CES,” – said Ky – our store helper.
What a night! Â I’m not sure what kind of drugs they were putting in the drinks at the Microsoft event – but whatever they were, they were potent. Â God, Ballmer sucked, didn’t he? Â Fuck that Tweet choir! Â SELL SELL SELL! Â [MANKA BROS. LEGAL DISCLAIMER: It can’t be proved that Microsoft or anyone else put drugs in the drinks.]
Bob Iger freaking me out with his sleight of hand magic tricks.
Discussing Schopenhauer with Ryan Seacrest. Â I will never forget him stumbling over and screaming in my face: “After your death you will be what you were before your birth… bitch!”
Ben Silverman trying to convince me he is a visionary (epic fail).
Barry Diller calling me over to the nickel slots so that he could tell me how much he loves the Oakland Raiders.
Rupert Murdoch teaching me to blow smoke out of my eyes.
Sumner Redstone dancing on Cleopatra’s Barge… with Cleopatra!
It goes on and on. Â A never ending parade of drunken moguls and fucked up geeks.
Thank God I am back in my regular suite and have eaten a great deal of bacon. Â Tonight, I fear, will be another drunken night.
I wasn’t planning on coming to Vegas. Â I hate CES. Â Especially CES After Dark. Â But Sumner wanted to party – so I took pity on the old man and agreed.
I gave a keynote speech here last year telling everyone how much I hated CES.
This year my only goal is to drink until I throw up and then pass out. Â Night #1: Â Mission accomplished.
Now I have to go sit on a stupid panel for a idiotic Facebook game my company is producing. Â A bullshit thing based on our high-profile summer blockbuster flop “Rampage Of The Stegosaur.” Â You get points by clicking on the dinosaurs until they become extinct.
We purchased ‘Red Dot’ – the wildly popular Manga character (now a “Manka” character – ha ha) from Kodansha, Ltd.– for $300 million.
I realize that is a shit load of money for a little red dot that doesn’t really do anything – but I have been assured that this is a very popular character with the kids (especially boys 9-14). So the acquisition price will seem like peanuts in the long run.
Many of you are probably wondering how this acquisition came about so quickly.
For one thing, I am very good friends with Kodansha President Sawako Noma. She would probably hate that I’m telling you all this, but we used to date in the early 1980s.
At the time, Japanese companies were buying up a lot of American companies (thank you Ronald Reagan) and she came over to the studio to ‘kick the tires’, if you will. I won’t go into details but to say that she ‘kicked the tires’ for two straight hot weeks (including an unforgettable weekend in Vegas). But then she was recalled to Japan by her family and that was that. They didn’t buy the studio. My heart was broken.
From today forward, we will only be producing movies with BIG IDEAS.
A guy trying to cure a disease in his basement is a small idea.
The moon landingis a small idea.
Saving the family farm? Not on my watch. If you want to save the fucking family farm – call Fox Searchlight or Sony Classics.
The Theatrical Group has been thinking small for too many years – and that changes today. For Christ’s sake, just look at the 2011 Slate for Manka Bros. Films! A movie about Sign Spinners? “My Autumn In Milan“? Are you fucking kidding me? (Though I must say, I do like our chances with the “Hey, Diddle Diddle” – you can’t go wrong with a fairy tale movie!)
So… this is your mandate.Â
BIG IDEAS.
I want ideas about saving galaxies and saving planets. Global wars. Boxing Presidents. Superheroes (but not mild-mannered ones – BIG SUPERHEROES WITH BIG IDEAS!). If X doesn’t do Y then the planet explodes! Shit like that.
I want Jesusto come back to the earth, read our scripts and say “Man, that’s a BIG idea!”
Just because you’re low-budget arthouse labels doesn’t mean you can’t have BIG ideas. No more punks who don’t comb their hair and talk about how they don’t know what they want to do with their lives. You can be poor and have a big story – just look at Moses.
Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company
