Tag: Charles de Gaulle

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When John Glenn Circled The Earth

AARP, Afghanistan, aging, Alf Landon, Andy Rooney, Antonio ( "El Bailarín" ) Ruiz Soler, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Art LInkletter, Ben Silverman, bleeding from the ass, brown spot on stomach, cannibalism, Carmen Amaya, Charles de Gaulle, CNN, colon bleeding, colostomy bag, Ding Dong Ditch 'em, Douglas Macarthur, East Lansing, east lansing, Edgard de Larminat, El Farruco, elephant toilet, Erich Von Manstein, Flamenco, Flaming bags of manure, Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Friendship 7, Garrison Keillor, George Burns, George Herbert Walker Bush, Iraq, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, John Glenn, José Greco, Joseph de Goislard de Monsabert, Juan Manuel ( "El Farruquito" ) Fernández, Khan Manka, korean war, Korean War, La Argentina, La Argentinita, la trucha, lansing state journal, Lawrence Welk, Lester, lester aldrich, Lew Wasserman, Maginot Line, manka bros., Manka Bros., Mercury Atlas 6, Michigan, octogenarian, old man blog, Paul Harvey, Rupert Murdoch, Satan, Seven Plagues of the Bible, Spain during World War 2, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, those damn kids, Those Damn Kids, VFW Hall, Vicente Escudero, Vietnam War, World War 2, World's largest Media Company

AARP, Afghanistan, aging, Alf Landon, Andy Rooney, Antonio ( "El Bailarín" ) Ruiz Soler, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Art LInkletter, Ben Silverman, bleeding from the ass, brown spot on stomach, cannibalism, Carmen Amaya, Charles de Gaulle, CNN, colon bleeding, colostomy bag, Ding Dong Ditch 'em, Douglas Macarthur, East Lansing, east lansing, Edgard de Larminat, El Farruco, elephant toilet, Erich Von Manstein, Flamenco, Flaming bags of manure, Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Friendship 7, Garrison Keillor, George Burns, George Herbert Walker Bush, Iraq, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, John Glenn, José Greco, Joseph de Goislard de Monsabert, Juan Manuel ( "El Farruquito" ) Fernández, Khan Manka, korean war, Korean War, La Argentina, La Argentinita, la trucha, lansing state journal, Lawrence Welk, Lester, lester aldrich, Lew Wasserman, Maginot Line, manka bros., Manka Bros., Mercury Atlas 6, Michigan, octogenarian, old man blog, Paul Harvey, Rupert Murdoch, Satan, Seven Plagues of the Bible, Spain during World War 2, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, those damn kids, Those Damn Kids, VFW Hall, Vicente Escudero, Vietnam War, World War 2, World's largest Media CompanyThere’s not a man outside waiting to kill me if I step out of my house and there’s NOT a terrible flu virus killing off the old people of the world (Swine Flu is for pussies!).

The only problem, as I see it from my front porch in eastern Michigan, is THOSE DAMN KIDS!

Fifty years ago TODAY(!), when John Glenn circled the world in the Friendship 7 in 1962, there weren’t kids on skateboards jumping over your car or riding bikes and sleds onto your lawn.

The only kids I saw back then were saluting the flag.

The only kids I saw back then respected their elders.

Look here, I can remember 1932.   How many of you assholes can say that? (ed. note: non-octogenarians, that is)

I remember when things were really bad.

When children cried when they were hungry and policemen were corrupt.  We’ve won six wars over the past 80 years (eight if you count Iraq and Afghanistan!).

What have the 12 year-olds of today done?

AARP, Afghanistan, aging, Alf Landon, Andy Rooney, Antonio ( "El Bailarín" ) Ruiz Soler, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Art LInkletter, Ben Silverman, bleeding from the ass, brown spot on stomach, cannibalism, Carmen Amaya, Charles de Gaulle, CNN, colon bleeding, colostomy bag, Ding Dong Ditch 'em, Douglas Macarthur, East Lansing, east lansing, Edgard de Larminat, El Farruco, elephant toilet, Erich Von Manstein, Flamenco, Flaming bags of manure, Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Friendship 7, Garrison Keillor, George Burns, George Herbert Walker Bush, Iraq, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, John Glenn, José Greco, Joseph de Goislard de Monsabert, Juan Manuel ( "El Farruquito" ) Fernández, Khan Manka, korean war, Korean War, La Argentina, La Argentinita, la trucha, lansing state journal, Lawrence Welk, Lester, lester aldrich, Lew Wasserman, Maginot Line, manka bros., Manka Bros., Mercury Atlas 6, Michigan, octogenarian, old man blog, Paul Harvey, Rupert Murdoch, Satan, Seven Plagues of the Bible, Spain during World War 2, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, those damn kids, Those Damn Kids, VFW Hall, Vicente Escudero, Vietnam War, World War 2, World's largest Media CompanyThey broke my front window for one.  Yep, they sure did that.

Hit Mrs. Aldrich in the legs with a ball.  That sure was “cool”.

Ding dong ditch ’em?  Oh, you bet.

Flaming manure?  12 bags, 12 days.

One day, Mrs. Aldrich and I were on our way out to movie and little Snotty Scotty got it into his mind to throw firecrackers at Mrs. Aldrich.

Real classy, Snotty.  You’re lucky she lost her hearing years ago, jerk!

Kids at the supermarket yell at me for parking in a handicap spot.

I haven’t straightened my right leg in 20 goddamned years, fuckers!  Of course I’m handicapped!  You want me to empty my colostomy bag inside your boots!

I hate the kids of today.  I wish they were all dead.

No, there’s no Seven Plagues of the Bible or Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse coming to destroy the world.

The only thing that will destroy this God forsaken planet is THOSE DAMN KIDS!

GOD SPEED, JOHN GLENN!

I’ll talk at you next week…

AARP, Alf Landon, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, cannibalism, CNN, east lansing, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, korean war, lester aldrich, manka bros., Michigan, octogenarian, those damn kids, World's largest Media Company, Paul Harvey, Art LInklletter, Lawrence Welk, Garrison Keillor, Andy Rooney, Douglas MacarthurLester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

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Pension Fund Shot?

Retirement money dried up?

Stop your bitching and do what me and Mrs. Aldrich do – EAT DOG FOOD.  And not that premium Alpo crap – I’m talking Chappie Original Dog Food Meal!

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Me and the Mrs. have been through tougher times than this.  A 39 cent can of dog food is a goddamned feast compared to what we used to eat.

Every time I see Those Damn Kids out on my lawn eating ice cream like it’s VJ Day, I just want to take the flag off my porch, impale them and carry them back to the depression where after we ran out of dirt to eat, we were forced to eat the termites that were eating our house.

I don’t know who’s to blame for this economic crisis (George Bush, Barack Obama, Lansing Mayor Virg Bernero, Those Damn Kids) – frankly, I don’t care.

Not as long as there is decent food to be had for $0.39!

I’ll talk at you next week…

AARP, Alf Landon, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, cannibalism, CNN, east lansing, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, korean war, lester aldrich, manka bros., Michigan, octogenarian, those damn kids, World's largest Media Company, Paul Harvey, Art LInklletter, Lawrence Welk, Garrison Keillor, Andy Rooney, Douglas MacarthurLester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

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I Was A Teenager In The Great Depression

AARP, aging, Alf Landon, Andy Rooney, Antonio ( "El Bailarín" ) Ruiz Soler, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Art LInkletter, Ben Silverman, bleeding from the ass, brown spot on stomach, cannibalism, Carmen Amaya, Charles de Gaulle, CNN, colon bleeding, colostomy bag, Douglas Macarthur, east lansing, Edgard de Larminat, El Farruco, elephant toilet, Erich Von Manstein, Flamenco, Garrison Keillor, George Burns, George Herbert Walker Bush, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, José Greco, Joseph de Goislard de Monsabert, Juan Manuel ( "El Farruquito" ) Fernández, Khan Manka, korean war, Korean War, La Argentina, La Argentinita, la trucha, lansing state journal, Lawrence Welk, lester aldrich, Lew Wasserman, Maginot Line, manka bros., Manka Bros., Michigan, octogenarian, old man blog, Paul Harvey, Rupert Murdoch, Satan, Spain during World War 2, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, Those Damn Kids, those damn kids, VFW Hall, Vicente Escudero, Vietnam War, World War 2, World's largest Media Company, the great depression, richard fuld, pension fund… My father was unemployed.

We had very little food.

We never bathed.

I didn’t go to school very often.

But I was a teenager so I didn’t give a shit about any of that stuff.

I just wanted to have sexual relations with Mary Dell’gato.

Today, my pension is completely gone (thanks, 3 years ago, to that no good motherfucker Richard Fuld and his bankrupt Lehman Brothers!).

My ass doesn’t really work anymore. 

THOSE DAMN KIDS rip apart my lawn and TP my trees.  And I’m a really old man.

The Great Depression was better.

I’ll talk at you next week.

AARP, Alf Landon, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, cannibalism, CNN, east lansing, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, korean war, lester aldrich, manka bros., Michigan, octogenarian, those damn kids, World's largest Media Company, Paul Harvey, Art LInklletter, Lawrence Welk, Garrison Keillor, Andy Rooney, Douglas MacarthurLester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

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In 1944, I Was Ordered To Go To Spain

AARP, Alf Landon, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, cannibalism, CNN, east lansing, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, korean war, lester aldrich, manka bros., Michigan, octogenarian, those damn kids, World's largest Media Company, Paul Harvey, Art LInklletter, Lawrence Welk, Garrison Keillor, Andy Rooney, Douglas MacarthurOn this date, in 1944, I was ordered to go to Spain after five months of heavy fighting in eastern France.

I counted 35 kills in my personal quest to get to the Rhine but my fuck-ass superior officer thought I was ‘over-zealous’ in my hatred for strangers and told me to take a break from killing.

My superior officer was a pussy – but I won’t smear his name here – he was, after all, a decorated hero in the war to end all wars (WWI) and a valuable member of the super-duper war to end all wars (WWIl).

AARP, aging, Alf Landon, Andy Rooney, Antonio ( "El Bailarín" ) Ruiz Soler, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Art LInkletter, Ben Silverman, bleeding from the ass, brown spot on stomach, cannibalism, Carmen Amaya, Charles de Gaulle, CNN, colon bleeding, colostomy bag, Douglas Macarthur, east lansing, Edgard de Larminat, El Farruco, elephant toilet, Erich Von Manstein, Flamenco, Garrison Keillor, George Burns, George Herbert Walker Bush, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, José Greco, Joseph de Goislard de Monsabert, Juan Manuel ( "El Farruquito" ) Fernández, Khan Manka, korean war, Korean War, La Argentina, La Argentinita, la trucha, lansing state journal, Lawrence Welk, lester aldrich, Lew Wasserman, Maginot Line, manka bros., Manka Bros., Michigan, octogenarian, old man blog, Paul Harvey, Rupert Murdoch, Satan, Spain during World War 2, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, Those Damn Kids, those damn kids, VFW Hall, Vicente Escudero, Vietnam War, World War 2, World's largest Media CompanyI think Captain Ralph “Ol’ Pussy” Jackson (oops) would have been ashamed of himself if he actually thought the allies would win.

But I think he always thought the Nazis would win, so he hedged his bets.

We can only hope Ol’ Pussy Jackson is burning in Hell now for being weak.

Though I don’t think Satan would have much to do with him.

What does Satan need with pussy ass weak field commanders?

Anyway, I was ordered to go to Spain.  Southern Spain.

The only thing I knew about southern Spain was nothing.  I knew they ate goat brains and pig feet but that was it.

AARP, aging, Alf Landon, Andy Rooney, Antonio ( "El Bailarín" ) Ruiz Soler, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Art LInkletter, Ben Silverman, bleeding from the ass, brown spot on stomach, cannibalism, Carmen Amaya, Charles de Gaulle, CNN, colon bleeding, colostomy bag, Douglas Macarthur, east lansing, Edgard de Larminat, El Farruco, elephant toilet, Erich Von Manstein, Flamenco, Garrison Keillor, George Burns, George Herbert Walker Bush, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, José Greco, Joseph de Goislard de Monsabert, Juan Manuel ( "El Farruquito" ) Fernández, Khan Manka, korean war, Korean War, La Argentina, La Argentinita, la trucha, lansing state journal, Lawrence Welk, lester aldrich, Lew Wasserman, Maginot Line, manka bros., Manka Bros., Michigan, octogenarian, old man blog, Paul Harvey, Rupert Murdoch, Satan, Spain during World War 2, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, Those Damn Kids, those damn kids, VFW Hall, Vicente Escudero, Vietnam War, World War 2, World's largest Media CompanyI wasn’t expecting to see “La Trucha” (The Trout).  La Truca was a flamenco dancer.  And she was the love of my life.  And I don’t give a shit if Mrs. Aldrich reads this!

I never knew a dance could seduce me so.  Once you are in “La Trucha’s” grip you pretty much have to kill her to get out.

I spent five glorious days with “the trout” and then I had to leave and kill more Nazis. 

Ol’ Pussy Jackson came to his senses and realized that the Nazis had to be killed.   La Trucha tried keep me with her by threatening my life with her high-heel nail-studded Flamenco shoes.  But I got away… yep… and I’m not saying what happened to La Trucha on that July night in 1944.

Fuck La Trucha!  She might have been a double agent for all I knew.  Fuck that bitch!  As long as Nazis are alive, I must kill them.

I would have killed La Trucha – the love of my life – if she were a Nazi.  I would kill my mother if she were a Nazi.

ALL NAZIS MUST DIE!  Don’t try to win me over with your flamenco crap.  It won’t work!

SCREW YOU, LA TRUCHA!  No fish will defeat democracy!

I realize this has nothing to do with THOSE DAMN KIDS, but sometimes you have to kill others in order to kill yourself.

Capisce?

I’ll talk at you next week…

AARP, Alf Landon, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, cannibalism, CNN, east lansing, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, korean war, lester aldrich, manka bros., Michigan, octogenarian, those damn kids, World's largest Media Company, Paul Harvey, Art LInklletter, Lawrence Welk, Garrison Keillor, Andy Rooney, Douglas MacarthurLester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

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The Octogenarian Revolution Has Begun!

AARP, Afghanistan, aging, Alf Landon, Andy Rooney, Antonio ( "El Bailarín" ) Ruiz Soler, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Art LInkletter, Ben Silverman, bleeding from the ass, brown spot on stomach, cannibalism, Carmen Amaya, Charles de Gaulle, Chiang Kai-Shek, Chinese Civil War, CNN, colon bleeding, colostomy bag, Communists, Confucius, Ding Dong Ditch 'em, dope smoking, Douglas Macarthur, east lansing, East Lansing, Edgard de Larminat, El Farruco, elephant toilet, Erich Von Manstein, Flamenco, Flaming bags of manure, Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Friendship 7, Garrison Keillor, George Burns, George Herbert Walker Bush, Iraq, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, John Glenn, José Greco, Joseph de Goislard de Monsabert, Juan Manuel ( "El Farruquito" ) Fernández, Khan Manka, Korean War, korean war, La Argentina, La Argentinita, la trucha, lansing state journal, Lawrence Welk, Lester, lester aldrich, Lew Wasserman, Maginot Line, manka bros., Manka Bros., Mercury Atlas 6, Michigan, octogenarian, Octogenarian Revolution, old man blog, Paul Harvey, Rupert Murdoch, Satan, Seven Plagues of the Bible, Spain during World War 2, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, those damn kids, Those Damn Kids, VFW Hall, Vicente Escudero, Vietnam War, World War 2, World's largest Media Company

AARP, Afghanistan, aging, Alf Landon, Andy Rooney, Antonio ( "El Bailarín" ) Ruiz Soler, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Art LInkletter, Ben Silverman, bleeding from the ass, brown spot on stomach, cannibalism, Carmen Amaya, Charles de Gaulle, Chiang Kai-Shek, Chinese Civil War, CNN, colon bleeding, colostomy bag, Communists, Confucius, Ding Dong Ditch 'em, dope smoking, Douglas Macarthur, east lansing, East Lansing, Edgard de Larminat, El Farruco, elephant toilet, Erich Von Manstein, Flamenco, Flaming bags of manure, Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Friendship 7, Garrison Keillor, George Burns, George Herbert Walker Bush, Iraq, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, John Glenn, José Greco, Joseph de Goislard de Monsabert, Juan Manuel ( "El Farruquito" ) Fernández, Khan Manka, Korean War, korean war, La Argentina, La Argentinita, la trucha, lansing state journal, Lawrence Welk, Lester, lester aldrich, Lew Wasserman, Maginot Line, manka bros., Manka Bros., Mercury Atlas 6, Michigan, octogenarian, Octogenarian Revolution, old man blog, Paul Harvey, Rupert Murdoch, Satan, Seven Plagues of the Bible, Spain during World War 2, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, those damn kids, Those Damn Kids, VFW Hall, Vicente Escudero, Vietnam War, World War 2, World's largest Media CompanyMrs. Aldrich is absolutely sick of THOSE DAMN KIDS!

It’s bad enough she has go to the doctor three times a week and take a bag full of pills each day just to have the strength to watch television, but THOSE DAMN KIDS keep tormenting her with footballs in our shrubs and bicycles that crush her precious rose bushes.

There’s only so much old people can stomach before we take the law into our own hands!  If it means I have to shoot and torture some of THOSE DAMN KIDS, I just might have to do it.

I’m an old man.  I’ve lived a long time and I know when all this hooliganism started.  It was the day marijuana came into this country.  Brought over by the dope smoking Chinese after Chiang Kai-shek lost the war to the Communists.  Ever since then THOSE DAMN KIDS have been HIGH ON POT.

Confucius was wrong when he said, ‘He who stands on the toilet gets high on pot.’  I say, he who smokes reefer gets high on pot – and gets so high on pot that they treat old people like a fist full of maggots.

AARP, Afghanistan, aging, Alf Landon, Andy Rooney, Antonio ( "El Bailarín" ) Ruiz Soler, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Art LInkletter, Ben Silverman, bleeding from the ass, brown spot on stomach, cannibalism, Carmen Amaya, Charles de Gaulle, Chiang Kai-Shek, Chinese Civil War, CNN, colon bleeding, colostomy bag, Communists, Confucius, Ding Dong Ditch 'em, dope smoking, Douglas Macarthur, east lansing, East Lansing, Edgard de Larminat, El Farruco, elephant toilet, Erich Von Manstein, Flamenco, Flaming bags of manure, Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Friendship 7, Garrison Keillor, George Burns, George Herbert Walker Bush, Iraq, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, John Glenn, José Greco, Joseph de Goislard de Monsabert, Juan Manuel ( "El Farruquito" ) Fernández, Khan Manka, Korean War, korean war, La Argentina, La Argentinita, la trucha, lansing state journal, Lawrence Welk, Lester, lester aldrich, Lew Wasserman, Maginot Line, manka bros., Manka Bros., Mercury Atlas 6, Michigan, octogenarian, Octogenarian Revolution, old man blog, Paul Harvey, Rupert Murdoch, Satan, Seven Plagues of the Bible, Spain during World War 2, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, those damn kids, Those Damn Kids, VFW Hall, Vicente Escudero, Vietnam War, World War 2, World's largest Media CompanyWell, listen up, sonny boys and sonny girls, THERE’S GOING TO BE A REVOLUTION and it’s going to be started by the OCTOGENARIANS of this country!  If it means a lot of blood is spilled, then so be it.

But by God, we’re going to take this country back!

Historians will analyze the revolution and write, ‘I think we could have stopped all the carnage and loss of life if THOSE DAMN KIDS would have stayed off my fucking lawn!”

I’ll talk at you next week…

AARP, Alf Landon, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, cannibalism, CNN, east lansing, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, korean war, lester aldrich, manka bros., Michigan, octogenarian, those damn kids, World's largest Media Company, Paul Harvey, Art LInklletter, Lawrence Welk, Garrison Keillor, Andy Rooney, Douglas MacarthurLester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

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Things Aren’t As Funny As They Used To Be

 

Here it is, another morning that I managed to wake up.  Jesus fucking Christ.  Oh, well…

As I edge toward my 90s, things aren’t as funny as they used to be.

It’s not as funny when Mrs. Aldrich falls down the steps.  She gets hurt now and I have to get out of my chair to do something about it.

It’s not as funny on the Archie Bunker show when they flush the toilet.  It used to be so funny.  But that was 40 years ago.

It’s not as funny when I see Those Damn Kids fall down on their skateboards and break their legs.  There was a time a few years ago when I would laugh for days when that happened.  Now it’s just a couple of chuckles and I’m done with it.

Maybe it’s this terrible recession and my retirement savings going down the drain – or maybe it’s my horrible eyesight and my inability to see the television too clearly – or maybe I’m just dying and that’s just not as funny as it used to be.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

I’ll talk at you next week…

AARP, Alf Landon, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, cannibalism, CNN, east lansing, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, korean war, lester aldrich, manka bros., Michigan, octogenarian, those damn kids, World's largest Media Company, Paul Harvey, Art LInklletter, Lawrence Welk, Garrison Keillor, Andy Rooney, Douglas MacarthurLester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids